Who told Creed Haymond he was witty?—who
  Had nothing better in this world to do?
  Could no greased pig's appeal to his embrace
  Kindle his ardor for the friendly chase?
  Did no dead dog upon a vacant lot,
  Bloated and bald, or curdled in a clot,
  Stir his compassion and inspire his arms
  To hide from human eyes its faded charms?

  If not to works of piety inclined,
  Then recreation might have claimed his mind.
  The harmless game that shows the feline greed
  To cinch the shorts and make the market bleed[A]
  Is better sport than victimizing Creed;
  And a far livelier satisfaction comes
  Of knowing Simon, autocrat of thumbs.[B]
  If neither worthy work nor play command
  This gentleman of leisure's heart and hand,
  Then Mammon might his idle spirit lift
  By hope of profit to some deed of thrift.
  Is there no cheese to pare, no flint to skin,
  No tin to mend, no glass to be put in,
  No housewife worthy of a morning visit,
  Her rags and sacks and bottles to solicit?
  Lo! the blind sow's precarious pursuit
  Of the aspiring oak's familiar fruit!—
  'Twould more advantage any man to steal
  This easy victim's undefended meal
  Than tell Creed Haymond he has wit, and so
  Expose the state to his narcotic flow!

  [Footnote A: "Pussy Wants a Corner."]

  [Footnote B: "Simon Says Thumbs Up."]