Syr. (coming forward and whispering to Clitipho.) What is it he is saying?
Clit. (aside, to Syrus.) I’m utterly undone!
Syr. Clitipho, these same injunctions I gave you. You have acted the part of a prudent and discreet person.68
Clit. Hold your tongue, I beg.
Syr. Very good.
Chrem. (approaching them.) Syrus, I am ashamed of him.
Syr. I believe it; and not without reason. Why, he vexes myself even.
Clit. (to Syrus.) Do you persist, then?
Syr. I’ faith, I’m saying the truth, as it appears to me.
Clit. May I not go near them?
Chrem. How now—pray, is there but one way69 of going near them?
Syr. (aside.) Confusion! He’ll be betraying himself before I’ve got the money. (Aloud.) Chremes, will you give attention to me, who am but a silly person?
Chrem. What am I to do?
Syr. Bid him go somewhere out of the way.
Clit. Where am I to go?
Syr. Where you please; leave the place to them; be off and take a walk.
Clit. Take a walk! where?
Syr. Pshaw! Just as if there was no place to walk in. Why, then, go this way, that way, where you will.
Chrem. He says right, I’m of his opinion.
Clit. May the Gods extirpate you, Syrus, for thrusting me away from here.
Syr. (aside to Clitipho.) Then do you for the future keep those hands of yours within bounds. (Exit Clitipho.) Really now (to Chremes), what do you think? What do you imagine will become of him next, unless, so far as the Gods afford you the means, you watch him, correct and admonish him?
Chrem. I’ll take care of that.
Syr. But now, master, he must be looked after by you.
Chrem. It shall be done.
Syr. If you are wise,—for now he minds me less and less every day.
Chrem. What say you? What have you done, Syrus, about that matter which I was mentioning to you a short time since? Have you any plan that suits you, or not yet even?
Syr. You mean the design upon Menedemus? I have; I have just hit upon one.
Chrem. You are a clever fellow; what is it? Tell me.
Syr. I’ll tell you; but, as one matter arises, out of another——
Chrem. Why, what is it, Syrus?
Syr. This Courtesan is a very bad woman.
Chrem. So she seems.
Syr. Aye, if you did but know. O shocking! just see what she is hatching. There was a certain old woman here from Corinth,—this Bacchis lent her a thousand silver drachmæ.
Chrem. What then?
Syr. She is now dead: she has left a daughter, a young girl. She has been left with this Bacchis as a pledge for that sum.
Chrem. I understand you.
Syr. She has brought her hither along with her, her I mean who is now with your wife.70
Chrem. What then?
Syr. She is soliciting Clinia at once to advance her this money; she says, however, that this girl is to be a security, that, at a future time, she will repay the thousand pieces of money.
Chrem. And would she really be a security?71
Syr. Dear me, is it to be doubted? I think so.
Chrem. What then do you intend doing?
Syr. What, I? I shall go to Menedemus; I’ll tell him she is a captive from Caria, rich, and of noble family; if he redeems her, there will be a considerable profit in this transaction.
Chrem. You are in an error.
Syr. Why so?
Chrem. I’ll now answer you for Menedemus—I will not purchase her.
Syr. What is it you say? Do speak more agreeably to our wishes.
Chrem. But there is no occasion.
Syr. No occasion?
Chrem. Certainly not, i’ faith.
Syr. How so, I wonder?
Chrem. You shall soon know.72
Syr. Stop, stop; what is the reason that there is such a great noise at our door?
They retire out of sight.
Enter Sostrata and a Nurse in haste from the house of Chremes, and Chremes and Syrus on the other side of the stage unperceived.
Sos. (holding up a ring and examining it.) Unless my fancy deceives me, surely this is the ring which I suspect it to be, the same with which my daughter was exposed.
Chrem. (apart.) Syrus, what is the meaning of these expressions?
Sos. Nurse, how is it? Does it not seem to you the same?
Nur. As for me, I said it was the same the very instant that you showed it me.
Sos. But have you now examined it thoroughly, my dear nurse?
Nur. Thoroughly.
Sos. Then go in-doors at once, and if she has now done bathing, bring me word. I’ll wait here in the mean time for my husband.
Syr. (apart.) She wants you, see what it is she wants; she is in a serious mood, I don’t know why; it is not without a cause—I fear what it may be.
Chrem. What it may be? I’ faith, she’ll now surely be announcing some important trifle, with a great parade.
Sos. (turning round.) Ha! my husband!
Chrem. Ha! my wife!
Sos. I was looking for you.
Chrem. Tell me what you want.
Sos. In the first place, this I beg of you, not to believe that I have ventured to do any thing contrary to your commands.
Chrem. Would you have me believe you in this, although so incredible? Well, I will believe you.
Syr. (aside.) This excuse portends I know not what offense.
Sos. Do you remember me being pregnant, and yourself declaring to me, most peremptorily, that if I should bring forth a girl, you would not have it brought up.
Chrem. I know what you have done, you have brought it up.
Syr. (aside.) Such is the fact, I’m sure: my young master has gained a loss73 in consequence.
Sos. Not at all; but there was here an elderly woman of Corinth, of no indifferent character; to her I gave it to be exposed.
Chrem. O Jupiter! that there should be such extreme folly in a person’s mind.
Sos. Alas! what have I done?
Chrem. And do you ask the question?
Sos. If I have acted wrong, my dear Chremes, I have done so in ignorance.
Chrem. This, indeed, I know for certain, even if you were to deny it, that in every thing you both speak and act ignorantly and foolishly: how many blunders you disclose in this single affair! For, in the first place, then, if you had been disposed to obey my orders, the child ought to have been dispatched; you ought not in words to have feigned her death, and in reality to have left hopes of her surviving. But that I pass over; compassion, maternal affection, I allow it. But how finely you did provide for the future! What was your meaning? Do reflect. It’s clear, beyond a doubt, that your daughter was betrayed by you to this old woman, either that through you she might make a living by her, or that she might be sold in open market as a slave. I suppose you reasoned thus: “any thing is enough, if only her life is saved:” what are you to do with those who understand neither law, nor right and justice? Be it for better or for worse, be it for them or against them, they see nothing except just what they please.
Sos. My dear Chremes, I have done wrong, I own; I am convinced. Now this I beg of you; inasmuch as you are more advanced in years than I, be so much the more ready to forgive; so that your justice may be some protection for my weakness.
Chrem. I’ll readily forgive you doing this, of course; but, Sostrata, my easy temper prompts you to do amiss. But, whatever this circumstance is, by reason of which this was begun upon, proceed to tell it.
Sos. As we women are all foolishly and wretchedly superstitious, when I delivered the child to her to be exposed, I drew a ring from off my finger, and ordered her to expose it, together with the child; that if she should die, she might not be without74 some portion of our possessions.
Chrem. That was right; thereby you proved the saving of yourself and her.75
Sos. (holding out the ring.) This is that ring.
Chrem. Whence did you get it?
Sos. From the young woman whom Bacchis brought here with her.
Syr. (aside.) Ha!
Chrem. What does she say?
Sos. She gave it me to keep for her, while she went to bathe. At first I paid no attention to it; but after I looked at it, I at once recognized it, and came running to you.
Chrem. What do you suspect now, or have you discovered, relative to her?
Sos. I don’t know; unless you inquire of herself whence she got it, if that can possibly be discovered.
Syr. (aside.) I’m undone! I see more hopes76 from this incident than I desire. If it is so, she certainly must be ours.
Chrem. Is this woman living to whom you delivered the child?
Sos. I don’t know.
Chrem. What account did she bring you at the time?
Sos. That she had done as I had ordered her.
Chrem. Tell me what is the woman’s name, that she may be inquired after.
Sos. Philtere.
Syr. (aside.) ’Tis the very same. It’s a wonder if she isn’t found, and I lost.
Chrem. Sostrata, follow me this way in-doors.
Sos. How much beyond my hopes has this matter turned out! How dreadfully afraid I was, Chremes, that you would now be of feelings as unrelenting as formerly you were on exposing the child.
Chrem. Many a time a man can not be77 such as he would be, if circumstances do not admit of it. Time has now so brought it about, that I should be glad of a daughter; formerly I wished for nothing less.
Chremes and Sostrata go into the house.
Syrus alone.
Syr. Unless my fancy deceives me,78 retribution79 will not be very, far off from me; so much by this incident are my forces now utterly driven into straits; unless I contrive by some means that the old man mayn’t come to know that this damsel is his son’s mistress. For as to entertaining any hopes about the money, or supposing I could cajole him, it’s useless; I shall be sufficiently triumphant, if I’m allowed to escape with my sides covered.80 I’m vexed that such a tempting morsel has been so suddenly snatched away from my jaws. What am I to do? Or what shall I devise? I must begin upon my plan over again. Nothing is so difficult, but that it may be found out by seeking. What now if I set about it after this fashion. (He considers.) That’s of no use. What, if after this fashion? I effect just about the same. But this I think will do. It can not. Yes! excellent. Bravo! I’ve found out the best of all—I’ faith, I do believe that after all I shall lay hold of this same runaway money.81
Enter Clinia at the other side of the stage.
Clin. (to himself.) Nothing can possibly henceforth befall me of such consequence as to cause me uneasiness; so extreme is this joy that has surprised me. Now then I shall give myself up entirely to my father, to be more frugal than even he could wish.
Syr. (apart.) I wasn’t mistaken; she has been discovered, so far as I understand from these words of his. (Advancing.) I am rejoiced that this matter has turned out for you so much to your wish.
Clin. O my dear Syrus, have you heard of it, pray?
Syr. How shouldn’t I, when I was present all the while?
Clin. Did you ever hear of any thing falling out so fortunately for any one?
Syr. Never.
Clin. And, so may the Gods prosper me, I do not now rejoice so much on my own account as hers, whom I know to be deserving of any honor.
Syr. I believe it: but now, Clinia, come, attend to me in my turn. For your friend’s business as well,—it must be seen to—that it is placed in a state of security, lest the old gentleman should now come to know any thing about his mistress.
Clin. O Jupiter!
Syr. Do be quiet.
Clin. My Antiphila will be mine.
Syr. Do you still interrupt me thus?
Clin. What can I do? My dear Syrus, I’m transported with joy! Do bear with me.
Syr. I’ faith, I really do bear with you.
Clin. We are blest with the life of the Gods.
Syr. I’m taking pains to no purpose, I doubt.
Clin. Speak; I hear you.
Syr. But still you’ll not mind it.
Clin. I will.
Syr. This must be seen to, I say, that your friend’s business as well is placed in a state of security. For if you now go away from us, and leave Bacchis here, our old man will immediately come to know that she is Clitipho’s mistress; if you take her away with you, it will be concealed just as much as it has been hitherto concealed.
Clin. But still, Syrus, nothing can make more against my marriage than this; for with what face am I to address my father about it? You understand what I mean?
Syr. Why not?
Clin. What can I say? What excuse can I make?
Syr. Nay, I don’t want you to dissemble; tell him the whole case just as it really is.
Clin. What is it you say?
Syr. I bid you do this; tell him that you are in love with her, and want her for a wife: that this Bacchis is Clitipho’s mistress.
Clin. You require a thing that is fair and reasonable, and easy to be done. And I suppose, then, you would have me request my father to keep it a secret from your old man.
Syr. On the contrary; to tell him directly the matter just as it is.
Clin. What? Are you quite in your senses or sober? Why, you were for ruining him outright. For how could he be in a state of security? Tell me that.
Syr. For my part, I yield the palm to this device. Here I do pride myself exultingly, in having in myself such exquisite resources, and power of address so great, as to deceive them both by telling the truth: so that when your old man tells ours that she is his son’s mistress, he’ll still not believe him.
Clin. But yet, by these means you again cut off all hopes of my marriage; for as long as Chremes believes that she is my mistress, he’ll not give me his daughter. Perhaps you care little what becomes of me, so long as you provide for him.
Syr. What the plague, do you suppose I want this pretense to be kept up for an age? ’Tis but for a single day, only till I have secured the money: you be quiet; I ask no more.
Clin. Is that sufficient? If his father should come to know of it, pray, what then?
Syr. What if I have recourse to those who say, “What now if the sky were to fall?”82
Clin. I’m afraid to go about it.
Syr. You, afraid! As if it was not in your power to clear yourself at any time you like, and discover the whole matter.
Clin. Well, well; let Bacchis be brought over to our house.
Syr. Capital! she is coming out of doors.
Enter Bacchis and Phrygia, from the house of Chremes.
Bacch. (pretending not to see Clinia and Syrus.) To a very fine purpose,83 upon my faith, have the promises of Syrus brought me hither, who agreed to lend me ten minæ. If now he deceives me, oft as he may entreat me to come, he shall come in vain. Or else, when I’ve promised to come, and fixed the time, when he has carried word back for certain, and Clitipho is on the stretch of expectation, I’ll disappoint him and not come. Syrus will make atonement to me with his back.
Clin. (apart, to Syrus.) She promises you very fairly.
Syr. (to Clinia.) But do you think she is in jest? She’ll do it, if I don’t take care.
Bacch. (aside.) They’re asleep84—I’faith, I’ll rouse them. (Aloud.) My dear Phrygia, did you hear about the country-seat of Charinus, which that man was showing us just now?
Phry. I heard of it.
Bacch. (aloud.) That it was the next to the farm here on the right-hand side.85
Phry. I remember.
Bacch. (aloud) Run thither post-haste; the Captain is keeping the feast of Bacchus86 at his house.
Syr. (apart.) What is she going to be at?
Bacch. (aloud.) Tell him I am here very much against my inclination, and am detained; but that by some means or other I’ll give them the slip and come to him.
Phrygia moves.
Syr. (coming forward.) Upon my faith, I’m ruined! Bacchis, stay, stay; prithee, where are you sending her? Order her to stop.
Bacch. (to Phrygia.) Be off.
Syr. Why, the money’s ready.
Bacch. Why, then I’ll stay.
Phrygia returns.
Syr. And it will be given you presently.
Bacch. Just when you please; do I press you?
Syr. But do you know what you are to do, pray?
Bacch. What?
Syr. You must now go over to the house of Menedemus, and your equipage must be taken over thither.
Bacch. What scheme are you upon, you rascal?
Syr. What, I? Coining money to give you.
Bacch. Do you think me a proper person for you to play upon?
Syr. It’s not without a purpose.
Bacch. (pointing to the house.) Why, have I any business then with you here?
Syr. O no; I’m only going to give you what’s your own.
Bacch. Then let’s be going.87
Syr. Follow this way. (Goes to the door of Menedemus, and calls.) Ho there! Dromo.
Enter Dromo from the house.
Dro. Who is it wants me?
Syr. Syrus.
Dro. What’s the matter?
Syr. Take over all the attendants of Bacchis to your house here immediately.
Dro. Why so?
Syr. Ask no questions. Let them take what they brought here with them. The old gentleman will hope his expenses are lightened by their departure; for sure he little knows how much loss this trifling gain will bring him. You, Dromo, if you are wise, know nothing of what you do know.
Dro. You shall own that I’m dumb.
Clinia, Bacchis, and Phrygia go into the house of Menedemus, and Dromo follows with Bacchis’s retinue and baggage.
Enter Chremes from his house.
Chrem. (to himself.) So may the Deities prosper me, I am now concerned for the fate of Menedemus, that so great a misfortune should have befallen him. To be maintaining that woman with such a retinue! Although I am well aware he’ll not be sensible of it for some days to come, his son was so greatly missed by him; but when he sees such a vast expense incurred by him every day at home, and no limit to it, he’ll wish that this son would leave him a second time. See—here comes Syrus most opportunely.
Syr. (to himself, as he comes forward.) Why delay to accost him?
Chrem. Syrus.
Syr. Well.
Chrem. How go matters?
Syr. I’ve been wishing for some time for you to be thrown in my way.
Chrem. You seem, then, to have effected something, I know not what, with the old gentleman.
Syr. As to what we were talking of a short time since? No sooner said than done.
Chrem. In real earnest?
Syr. In real.
Chrem. Upon my faith, I can not forbear patting your head for it. Come here, Syrus; I’ll do you some good turn for this matter, and with pleasure. (Patting his head.)
Syr. But if you knew how cleverly it came into my head——
Chrem. Pshaw! Do you boast because it has turned out according to your wishes?
Syr. On my word, not I, indeed; I am telling the truth.
Chrem. Tell me how it is.
Syr. Clinia has told Menedemus, that this Bacchis is your Clitipho’s mistress, and that he has taken her thither with him in order that you might not come to know of it.
Chrem. Very good.
Syr. Tell me, please, what you think of it.
Chrem. Extremely good, I declare.
Syr. Why yes, pretty fair. But listen, what a piece of policy still remains. He is then to say that he has seen your daughter—that her beauty charmed him as soon as he beheld her; and that he desires her for a wife.
Chrem. What, her that has just been discovered?
Syr. The same; and, in fact, he’ll request that she may be asked for.
Chrem. For what purpose, Syrus? For I don’t altogether comprehend it.
Syr. O dear, you are so dull.
Chrem. Perhaps so.
Syr. Money will be given him for the wedding—with which golden trinkets and clothes——do you understand me?
Chrem. To buy them——?
Syr. Just so.
Chrem. But I neither give nor betroth my daughter to him.
Syr. But why?
Chrem. Why, do you ask me? To a fellow——
Syr. Just as you please. I don’t mean that in reality you should give her to him, but that you should pretend it.
Chrem. Pretending is not in my way; do you mix up these plots of yours, so as not to mix me up in them. Do you think that I’ll betroth my daughter to a person to whom I will not marry her?
Syr. I imagined so.
Chrem. By no means.
Syr. It might have been cleverly managed; and I undertook this affair for the very reason, that a short time since you so urgently requested it.
Chrem. I believe you.
Syr. But for my part, Chremes, I take it well and good, either way.
Chrem. But still, I especially wish you to do your best for it to be brought about; but in some other way.
Syr. It shall be done: some other method must be thought of; but as to what I was telling you of,—about the money which she owes to Bacchis,—that must now be repaid her. And you will not, of course, now be having recourse to this method; “What have I to do with it? Was it lent to me? Did I give any orders? Had she the power to pawn my daughter without my consent?” They quote that saying, Chremes, with good reason, “Rigorous law88 is often rigorous injustice.”
Chrem. I will not do so.
Syr. On the contrary, though others were at liberty, you are not at liberty; all think that you are in good and very easy circumstances.
Chrem. Nay rather, I’ll at once carry it to her myself.
Syr. Why no; request your son in preference.
Chrem. For what reason?
Syr. Why, because the suspicion of being in love with her has been transferred to him with Menedemus.
Chrem. What then?
Syr. Because it will seem to be more like probability when he gives it her; and at the same time I shall effect more easily what I wish. Here he comes too; go, and bring out the money.
Chrem. I’ll bring it.
Goes into his house.
Enter Clitipho.
Clit. (to himself.) There is nothing so easy but that it becomes difficult when you do it with reluctance. As this walk of mine, for instance, though not fatiguing, it has reduced me to weariness. And now I dread nothing more than that I should be packed off somewhere hence once again, that I may not have access to Bacchis. May then all the Gods and Goddesses, as many as exist, confound you, Syrus, with these stratagems and plots of yours. You are always devising something of this kind, by means of which to torture me.
Syr. Will you not away with you—to where you deserve? How nearly had your forwardness proved my ruin!
Clit. Upon my faith, I wish it had been so; just what you deserve.
Syr. Deserve? How so? Really, I’m glad that I’ve heard this from you before you had the money which I was just going to give you.
Clit. What then would you have me to say to you? You’ve made a fool of me; brought my mistress hither, whom I’m not allowed to touch——
Syr. Well, I’m not angry then. But do you know where Bacchis is just now?
Clit. At our house.
Syr. No.
Clit. Where then?
Syr. At Clinia’s.
Clit. I’m ruined!
Syr. Be of good heart; you shall presently carry to her the money that you promised her.
Clit. You do prate away.—Where from?
Syr. From your own father.
Clit. Perhaps you are joking with me.
Syr. The thing itself will prove it.
Clit. Indeed, then, I am a lucky man. Syrus, I do love you from my heart.
Syr. But your father’s coming out. Take care not to express surprise at any thing, for what reason it is done; give way at the proper moment; do what he orders, and say but little.
Enter Chremes from the house, with a bag of money.
Chrem. Where’s Clitipho now?
Syr. (aside to Clitipho.) Say—here I am.
Clit. Here am I.
Chrem. (to Syrus.) Have you told him how it is?
Syr. I’ve told him pretty well every thing.
Chrem. Take this money, and carry it. (Holding out the bag.)
Syr. (aside to Clitipho.) Go—why do you stand still, you stone; why don’t you take it?
Clit. Very well, give it me. (Receives the bag.)
Syr. (to Clitipho.) Follow me this way directly. (To Chremes.) You in the mean while will wait here for us till we return; for there’s no occasion for us to stay there long.
Clitipho and Syrus go into the house of Menedemus.
Chrem. (to himself.) My daughter, in fact, has now had ten minæ from me, which I consider as paid for her board; another ten will follow these for clothes; and then she will require two talents for her portion. How many things, both just and unjust, are sanctioned by custom!89 Now I’m obliged, neglecting my business, to look out for some one on whom to bestow my property, that has been acquired by my labor.
Enter Menedemus from his house.
Men. (to Clinia within.) My son, I now think myself the happiest of all men, since I find that you have returned to a rational mode of life.
Chrem. (aside.) How much he is mistaken!
Men. Chremes, you are the very person I wanted; preserve, so far as in you lies, my son, myself, and my family.
Chrem. Tell me what you would have me do.
Men. You have this day found a daughter.
Chrem. What then?
Men. Clinia wishes her to be given him for a wife.
Chrem. Prithee, what kind of a person are you?
Men. Why?
Chrem. Have you already forgotten what passed between us, concerning a scheme, that by that method some money might be got out of you?
Men. I remember.
Chrem. That self-same thing they are now about.
Men. What do you tell me, Chremes? Why surely, this Courtesan, who is at my house, is Clitipho’s mistress.
Chrem. So they say, and you believe it all; and they say that he is desirous of a wife, in order that, when I have betrothed her, you may give him money, with which to provide gold trinkets and clothing, and other things that are requisite.
Men. That is it, no doubt; that money will be given to his mistress.
Chrem. Of course it is to be given.
Men. Alas! in vain then, unhappy man, have I been overjoyed; still however, I had rather any thing than be deprived of him. What answer now shall I report from you, Chremes, so that he may not perceive that I have found it out, and take it to heart?
Chrem. To heart, indeed! you are too indulgent to him, Menedemus.
Men. Let me go on; I have now begun: assist me in this throughout, Chremes.
Chrem. Say then, that you have seen me, and have treated about the marriage.
Men. I’ll say so—what then?
Chrem. That I will do every thing; that as a son-in-law he meets my approbation; in fine, too, if you like, tell him also that she has been promised him.
Men. Well, that’s what I wanted—
Chrem. That he may the sooner ask of you, and you may as soon as possible give him what you wish.
Men. It is my wish.
Chrem. Assuredly, before very long, according as I view this matter, you’ll have enough of him. But, however that may be, if you are wise, you’ll give to him cautiously, and a little at a time.
Men. I’ll do so.
Chrem. Go in-doors and see how much he requires. I shall be at home, if you should want me for any thing.
Men. I certainly do want you; for I shall let you know whatever I do.
They go into their respective houses.
Enter Menedemus from his house.
Men. (to himself.) I am quite aware that I am not so overwise, or so very quick-sighted; but this assistant, prompter, and director90 of mine, Chremes, outdoes me in that. Any one of those epithets which are applied to a fool is suited to myself, such as dolt, post, ass,91 lump of lead; to him not one can apply; his stupidity surpasses them all.
Enter Chremes, speaking to Sostrata within.
Chrem. Hold now, do, wife, leave off dinning the Gods with thanksgivings that your daughter has been discovered; unless you judge of them by your own disposition, and think that they understand nothing, unless the same thing has been told them a hundred times. But, in the mean time, why does my son linger there so long with Syrus?
Men. What persons do you say are lingering?
Chrem. Ha! Menedemus, you have come opportunely. Tell me, have you told Clinia what I said?
Men. Every thing.
Chrem. What did he say?
Men. He began to rejoice, just like people do who wish to be married.
Chrem. (laughing.) Ha! ha! ha!
Men. Why are you laughing?
Chrem. The sly tricks of my servant, Syrus, just came into my mind.
Men. Did they?
Chrem. The rogue can even mould the countenances of people.92
Men. That my son is pretending that he is overjoyed, is it that you mean?
Chrem. Just so. (Laughing.)
Men. The very same thing came into my mind.
Chrem. A crafty knave!
Men. Still more would you think such to be the fact, if you knew more.
Chrem. Do you say so?
Men. Do you give attention then?
Chrem. Just stop—first I want to know this, what money you have squandered; for when you told your son that she was promised, of course Dromo would at once throw in a word that golden jewels, clothes, and attendants would be needed for the bride, in order that you might give the money.
Men. No.
Chrem. How, no?
Men. No, I tell you.
Chrem. Nor yet your son himself?
Men. Not in the slightest, Chremes. He was only the more pressing on this one point, that the match might be concluded to-day.
Chrem. You say what’s surprising. What did my servant Syrus do? Didn’t even he say any thing?
Men. Nothing at all.
Chrem. For what reason, I don’t know.
Men. For my part, I wonder at that, when you know other things so well. But this same Syrus has moulded your son,93 too, to such perfection, that there could not be even the slightest suspicion that she is Clinia’s mistress!
Chrem. What do you say?
Men. Not to mention, then, their kissing and embracing; that I count nothing.
Chrem. What more could be done to carry on the cheat?
Men. Pshaw!
Chrem. What do you mean?
Men. Only listen. In the inner part of my house there is a certain room at the back; into this a bed was brought, and was made up with bed-clothes.
Chrem. What took place after this?
Men. No sooner said than done, thither went Clitipho.
Chrem. Alone?
Men. Alone.
Chrem. I’m alarmed.
Men. Bacchis followed directly.
Chrem. Alone?
Men. Alone.
Chrem. I’m undone!
Men. When they had gone into the room, they shut the door.
Chrem. Well—did Clinia see all this going on?
Men. How shouldn’t he? He was with me.
Chrem. Bacchis is my son’s mistress, Menedemus—I’m undone.
Men. Why so?
Chrem. I have hardly substance to suffice for ten days.94
Men. What! are you alarmed at it, because he is paying attention to his friend?
Chrem. His “she-friend” rather.95
Men. If he really is paying it.
Chrem. Is it a matter of doubt to you? Do you suppose that there is any person of so accommodating and tame a spirit as to suffer his own mistress, himself looking on, to—
Men. (chuckling and speaking ironically.) Why not? That I may be imposed upon the more easily.
Chrem. Do you laugh at me? You have good reason. How angry I now am with myself! How many things gave proof, whereby, had I not been a stone, I might have been fully sensible of this? What was it I saw? Alas! wretch that I am! But assuredly they shall not escape my vengeance if I live; for this instant—
Men. Can you not contain yourself? Have you no respect for yourself? Am I not a sufficient example to you?
Chrem. For very anger, Menedemus, I am not myself.
Men. For you to talk in that manner! Is it not a shame for you to be giving advice to others, to show wisdom abroad and yet be able to do nothing for yourself?
Chrem. What shall I do?
Men. That which you said I failed to do: make him sensible that you are his father; make him venture to intrust every thing to you, to seek and to ask of you; so that he may look for no other resources and forsake you.96
Chrem. Nay, I had much rather he would go any where in the world, than by his debaucheries here reduce his father to beggary! For if I go on supplying his extravagance, Menedemus, in that case my circumstances will undoubtedly be soon reduced to the level of your rake.
Men. What evils you will bring upon yourself in this affair, if you don’t act with caution! You’ll show yourself severe, and still pardon him at last; that too with an ill grace.
Chrem. Ah! you don’t know how vexed I am.
Men. Just as you please. What about that which I desire—that she may be married to my son? Unless there is any other step that you would prefer.
Chrem. On the contrary, both the son-in-law and the connection are to my taste.
Men. What portion shall I say that you have named for your daughter? Why are you silent?
Chrem. Portion?
Men. I say so.
Chrem. Alas!
Men. Chremes, don’t be at all afraid to speak, if it is but a small one. The portion is no consideration at all with us.
Chrem. I did think that two talents were sufficient, according to my means. But if you wish me to be saved, and my estate and my son, you must say to this effect, that I have settled all my property on her as her portion.
Men. What scheme are you upon?
Chrem. Pretend that you wonder at this, and at the same time ask him the reason why I do so.
Men. Why, really, I can’t conceive the reason for your doing so.
Chrem. Why do I do so? To check his feelings, which are now hurried away by luxury and wantonness, and to bring him down so as not to know which way to turn himself.
Men. What is your design?
Chrem. Let me alone, and give me leave to have my own way in this matter.
Men. I do give you leave: is this your desire?
Chrem. It is so.
Men. Then be it so.
Chrem. And now let your son prepare to fetch the bride. The other one shall be schooled in such language as befits children. But Syrus——
Men. What of him?
Chrem. What? If I live, I will have him so handsomely dressed, so well combed out, that he shall always remember me as long as he lives; to imagine that I’m to be a laughing-stock and a plaything for him! So may the Gods bless me! he would not have dared to do to a widow-woman the things which he has done to me.97
They go into their respective houses.
Enter Menedemus, with Clitipho and Syrus.
Clit. Prithee, is it really the fact, Menedemus, that my father can, in so short a space of time, have cast off all the natural affection of a parent for me? For what crime? What so great enormity have I, to my misfortune, committed? Young men generally do the same.
Men. I am aware that this must be much more harsh and severe to you, on whom it falls; but yet I take it no less amiss than you. How it is so I know not, nor can I account for it, except that from my heart I wish you well.
Clit. Did not you say that my father was waiting here?
Enter Chremes from his house.
Men. See, here he is.
Menedemus goes into his house.
Chrem. Why are you blaming me, Clitipho? Whatever I have done in this matter, I had a view to you and your imprudence. When I saw that you were of a careless disposition, and held the pleasures of the moment of the first importance, and did not look forward to the future, I took measures that you might neither want nor be able to waste this which I have. When, through your own conduct, it was not allowed me to give it you, to whom I ought before all, I had recourse to those who were your nearest relations; to them I have made over and intrusted every thing.98 There you’ll always find a refuge for your folly; food, clothing, and a roof under which to betake yourself.
Clit. Ah me!
Chrem. It is better than that, you being my heir, Bacchis should possess this estate of mine.
Syr. (apart.) I’m ruined irrevocably!—Of what mischief have I, wretch that I am, unthinkingly been the cause?
Clit. Would I were dead!
Chrem. Prithee, first learn what it is to live. When you know that, if life displeases you, then try the other.
Syr. Master, may I be allowed——?
Chrem. Say on.
Syr. But may I safely?
Chrem. Say on.
Syr. What injustice or what madness is this, that that in which I have offended, should be to his detriment?
Chrem. It’s all over.99 Don’t you mix yourself up in it; no one accuses you, Syrus, nor need you look out for an altar,100 or for an intercessor for yourself.
Syr. What is your design?
Chrem. I am not at all angry either with you (to Syrus), or with you (to Clitipho); nor is it fair that you should be so with me for what I am doing.
He goes into his house.
Syr. He’s gone. I wish I had asked him——
Clit. What, Syrus?
Syr. Where I am to get my subsistence; he has so utterly cast us adrift. You are to have it, for the present, at your sister’s, I find.
Clit. Has it then come to this pass, Syrus—that I am to be in danger even of starving?
Syr. So we only live, there’s hope——
Clit. What hope?
Syr. That we shall be hungry enough.
Clit. Do you jest in a matter so serious, and not give me any assistance with your advice?
Syr. On the contrary, I’m both now thinking of that, and have been about it all the time your father was speaking just now; and so far as I can perceive——
Clit. What?
Syr. It will not be wanting long. (He meditates.)
Clit. What is it, then?
Syr. It is this—I think that you are not their son.
Clit. How’s that, Syrus? Are you quite in your senses?
Syr. I’ll tell you what’s come into my mind; be you the judge. While they had you alone, while they had no other source of joy more nearly to affect them, they indulged you, they lavished upon you. Now a daughter has been found, a pretense has been found in fact on which to turn you adrift.
Clit. It’s very probable.
Syr. Do you suppose that he is so angry on account of this fault?
Clit. I do not think so.
Syr. Now consider another thing. All mothers are wont to be advocates for their sons when in fault, and to aid them against a father’s severity; ’tis not so here.
Clit. You say true; what then shall I now do, Syrus?
Syr. Question them on this suspicion; mention the matter without reserve; either, if it is not true, you’ll soon bring them both to compassion, or else you’ll soon find out whose son you are.
Clit. You give good advice; I’ll do so.
He goes into the home of Chremes.
Syr. (to himself.) Most fortunately did this come into my mind. For the less hope the young man entertains, the greater the difficulty with which he’ll bring his father to his own terms. I’m not sure even, that he may not take a wife, and then no thanks for Syrus. But what is this? The old man’s coming out of doors; I’ll be off. What has so far happened, I am surprised at, that he didn’t order me to be carried off from here: now I’ll away to Menedemus here, I’ll secure him as my intercessor; I can put no trust in our old man.
Goes into the house of Menedemus.
Enter Chremes and Sostrata from the house.
Sos. Really, sir, if you don’t take care, you’ll be causing some mischief to your son; and indeed I do wonder at it, my husband, how any thing so foolish could ever come into your head.
Chrem. Oh, you persist in being the woman? Did I ever wish for any one thing in all my life, Sostrata, but that you were my contradicter on that occasion? And yet if I were now to ask you what it is that I have done amiss, or why you act thus, you would not know in what point you are now so obstinately opposing me in your folly.
Sos. I, not know?
Chrem. Yes, rather, I should have said you do know; inasmuch as either expression amounts to the same thing.101
Sos. Alas! you are unreasonable to expect me to be silent in a matter of such importance.
Chrem. I don’t expect it; talk on then, I shall still do it not a bit the less.