Enter Chremes.
Sim. I greet you, Chremes.
Chrem. O, you are the very person I was looking for.
Sim. And I for you.
Chrem. You meet me at a welcome moment. Some persons have been to me, to say that they had heard from you, that my daughter was to be married to your son to-day; I’ve come to see whether they are out of their senses or you.
Sim. Listen; in a few words you shall learn both what I want of you, and what you seek to know.
Chrem. I am listening; say what you wish.
Sim. By the Gods, I do entreat you, Chremes, and by our friendship, which, commencing with our infancy, has grown up with our years, and by your only daughter and by my own son (of preserving whom the entire power lies with you), that you will assist me in this matter; and that, just as this marriage was about to be celebrated, it may be celebrated.
Chrem. O, don’t importune me; as though you needed to obtain this of me by entreaty. Do you suppose I am different now from what I was formerly, when I promised her? If it is for the advantage of them both that it should take place, order her to be sent for. But if from this course there would result more harm than advantage for each, this I do beg of you, that you will consult for their common good, as though she were your own daughter, and I the father of Pamphilus.
Sim. Nay, so I intend, and so I wish it to be, Chremes; and I would not ask it of you, did not the occasion itself require it.
Chrem. What is the matter?
Sim. There is a quarrel between Glycerium and my son.
Chrem. (ironically) I hear you.
Sim. So much so, that I’m in hopes they may be separated.
Chrem. Nonsense!
Sim. It really is so.
Chrem. After this fashion, i’faith, I tell you, “the quarrels of lovers are the renewal of love.”
Sim. Well—this I beg of you, that we may prevent it. While an opportunity offers, and while his passion is cooled by affronts, before the wiles of these women and their tears, craftily feigned, bring back his love-sick mind to compassion, let us give him a wife. I trust, Chremes, that, when attached by intimacy and a respectable marriage, he will easily extricate himself from these evils.
Chrem. So it appears to you; but I do not think66 that either he can possibly hold to her with constancy, or that I can put up with it if he does not.
Sim. How then can you be sure of that, unless you make the experiment?
Chrem. But for that experiment to be made upon a daughter is a serious thing——
Sim. Why look, all the inconvenience in fine amounts to this—possibly, which may the Gods forfend, a separation may take place. But if he is reformed, see how many are the advantages: in the first place, you will have restored a son to your friend; you will obtain a sure son-in-law67 for yourself, and a husband for your daughter.
Chrem. What is one to say to all this? If you feel persuaded that this is beneficial, I don’t wish that any advantage should be denied you.
Sim. With good reason, Chremes, have I always considered you a most valuable friend.
Chrem. But how say you——?
Sim. What?
Chrem. How do you know that they are now at variance?
Sim. Davus himself, who is privy to all their plans, has told me so; and he advises me to expedite the match as fast as I can. Do you think he would do so, unless he was aware that my son desired it? You yourself as well shall presently hear what he says. (Goes to the door of his house and calls.) Halloo there! Call Davus out here. Look, here he is; I see him just coming out.
Enter Davus from the house.
Dav. I was coming to you.
Sim. Why, what’s the matter?
Dav. Why isn’t the bride sent for?68 It’s now growing late in the day.
Sim. Do you hear me? I’ve been for some time not a little apprehensive of you, Davus, lest you should do that which the common class of servants is in the habit of doing, namely, impose upon me by your artifices; because my son is engaged in an amour.
Dav. What, I do that?
Sim. I fancied so; and therefore, fearing that, I concealed from you what I shall now mention.
Dav. What?
Sim. You shall know; for now I almost feel confidence in you.
Dav. Have you found out at last what sort of a person I am?
Sim. The marriage was not to have taken place.
Dav. How? Not to have taken place?
Sim. But I was making pretense, that I might test you all.
Dav. (affecting surprise.) What is it you tell me?
Sim. Such is the fact.
Dav. Only see! I was not able to discover that. Dear me! what a cunning contrivance!
Sim. Listen to this. Just as I ordered you to go from here into the house, he (pointing to Chremes) most opportunely met me.
Dav. (aside.) Ha! Are we undone, then?
Sim. I told him what you just now told me.
Dav. (aside.) Why, what am I to hear?
Sim. I begged him to give his daughter, and with difficulty I prevailed upon him.
Dav. (aside.) Utterly ruined!
Sim. (overhearing him speaking.) Eh—What was it you said?
Dav. Extremely well done, I say.
Sim. There’s no delay on his part now.
Chrem. I’ll go home at once; I’ll tell her to make due preparation, and bring back word here.
Exit.
Sim. Now I do entreat you, Davus, since you by yourself have brought about this marriage for me——
Dav. I myself, indeed!69
Sim. Do your best still to reform my son.
Dav. Troth, I’ll do it with all due care.
Sim. Do it now, while his mind is agitated.
Dav. You may be at ease.
Sim. Come then; where is he just now?
Dav. A wonder if he isn’t at home.
Sim. I’ll go to him; and what I’ve been telling you, I’ll tell him as well.
Goes into his house.
Davus alone.
Dav. (to himself.) I’m a lost man! What reason is there why I shouldn’t take my departure straightway hence for the mill? There’s no room left for supplicating; I’ve upset every thing now; I’ve deceived my master; I’ve plunged my master’s son into a marriage; I’ve been the cause of its taking place this very day, without his hoping for it, and against the wish of Pamphilus. Here’s cleverness for you! But, if I had kept myself quiet, no mischief would have happened. (Starting.) But see, I espy him; I’m utterly undone! Would that there were some spot here for me, from which I might this instant pitch myself headlong!
Stands apart.
Enter Pamphilus in haste from Simo’s house.
Pam. Where is he? The villain, who this day—I’m ruined; and I confess that this has justly befallen me, for being such a dolt, so devoid of sense; that I should have intrusted my fortunes to a frivolous slave!70 I am suffering the reward of my folly; still he shall never get off from me unpunished for this.
Dav. (apart.) I’m quite sure that I shall be safe in future, if for the present I get clear of this mishap.
Pam. But what now am I to say to my father? Am I to deny that I am ready, who have just promised to marry? With what effrontery could I presume to do that? I know not what to do with myself.
Dav. (apart.) Nor I with myself, and yet I’m giving all due attention to it. I’ll tell him that I will devise something, in order that I may procure some respite in this dilemma.
Pam. (Catching sight of him.) Oho!
Dav. (apart.) I’m seen.
Pam. (sneeringly.) How now, good sir, what are you about? Do you see how dreadfully I am hampered by your devices?
Dav. Still, I’ll soon extricate you.
Pam. You, extricate me?
Dav. Assuredly, Pamphilus.
Pam. As you have just done, I suppose.
Dav. Why no, better, I trust.
Pam. What, am I to believe you, you scoundrel?71 You, indeed, make good a matter that’s all embarrassment and ruin! Just see, in whom I’ve been placing reliance—you who this day from a most happy state have been and plunged me into a marriage. Didn’t I say that this would be the case?
Dav. You did say so.
Pam. What do you deserve?72
Dav. The cross.73 But allow me a little time to recover myself; I’ll soon hit upon something.
Pam. Ah me! not to have the leisure to inflict punishment upon you as I desire! for the present conjuncture warns me to take precautions for myself, not to be taking vengeance on you.
Exeunt.
Enter Charinus, wringing his hands.
Char. (to himself.) Is this to be believed or spoken of; that malice so great could be inborn in any one as to exult at misfortunes, and to derive advantage from the distresses of another! Oh, is this true? Assuredly, that is the most dangerous class of men, in whom there is only a slight degree of hesitation at refusing; afterward, when the time arrives for fulfilling their promises, then, obliged, of necessity they discover themselves. They are afraid, and yet the circumstances74 compel them to refuse. Then, in that case, their very insolent remark is, “Who are you? What are you to me? What should I give up to you what’s my own? Look you, I am the most concerned in my own interests.”75 But if you inquire where is honor, they are not ashamed.76 Here, where there is occasion, they are not afraid; there, where there is no occasion, they are afraid. But what am I to do? Ought I not to go to him, and reason with him upon this outrage, and heap many an invective upon him? Yet some one may say, “you will avail nothing.” Nothing? At least I shall have vexed him, and have given vent to my own feelings.
Enter Pamphilus and Davus.
Pam. Charinus, unintentionally I have ruined both myself and you, unless the Gods in some way befriend us.
Char. Unintentionally, is it! An excuse has been discovered at last. You have broken your word.
Pam. How so, pray?
Char. Do you expect to deceive me a second time by these speeches?
Pam. What does this mean?
Char. Since I told you that I loved her, she has become quite pleasing to you. Ah wretched me! to have judged of your disposition from my own.
Pam. You are mistaken.
Char. Did this pleasure appear to you not to be quite complete, unless you tantalized me in my passion, and lured me on by groundless hopes?—You may take her.
Pam. I, take her? Alas! you know not in what perplexities, to my sorrow, I am involved, and what vast anxieties this executioner of mine (pointing to Davus) has contrived for me by his devices.
Char. What is it so wonderful, if he takes example from yourself?
Pam. You would not say that if you understood either myself or my affection.
Char. I’m quite aware (ironically); you have just now had a dispute with your father, and he is now angry with you in consequence, and has not been able to-day to prevail upon you to marry her.
Pam. No, not at all,—as you are not acquainted with my sorrows, these nuptials were not in preparation for me; and no one was thinking at present of giving me a wife.
Char. I am aware; you have been influenced by your own inclination.
Pam. Hold; you do not yet know all.
Char. For my part, I certainly do know that you are about to marry her.
Pam. Why are you torturing me to death? Listen to this. He (pointing to Davus) never ceased to urge me to tell my father that I would marry her; to advise and persuade me, even until he compelled me.
Char. Who was this person?
Pam. Davus.
Char. Davus! For what reason?
Pam. I don’t know; except that I must have been under the displeasure of the Gods, for me to have listened to him.
Char. Is this the fact, Davus?
Dav. It is the fact.
Char. (starting.) Ha! What do you say, you villain? Then may the Gods send you an end worthy of your deeds. Come now, tell me, if all his enemies had wished him to be plunged into a marriage, what advice but this could they have given?
Dav. I have been deceived, but I don’t despair.
Char. (ironically.) I’m sure of that.
Dav. This way it has not succeeded; we’ll try another. Unless, perhaps, you think that because it failed at first, this misfortune can not now possibly be changed for better luck.
Pam. Certainly not; for I quite believe that if you set about it, you will be making two marriages for me out of one.
Dav. I owe you this, Pamphilus, in respect of my servitude, to strive with hands and feet, night and day; to submit to hazard of my life, to serve you. It is your part, if any thing has fallen out contrary to expectation, to forgive me. What I was contriving has not succeeded; still, I am using all endeavors; or, do you yourself devise something better, and dismiss me.
Pam. I wish to; restore me to the position in which you found me.
Dav. I’ll do so.
Pam. But it must be done directly.
Dav. But the door of Glycerium’s house here makes a noise.77
Pam. That’s nothing to you.
Dav. (assuming an attitude of meditation.) I’m in search of—
Pam. (ironically.) Dear me, what, now at last?
Dav. Presently I’ll give you what I’ve hit upon.
Enter Mysis from the house of Glycerium.
Mys. (calling at the door to Glycerium within.) Now, wherever he is, I’ll take care that your own Pamphilus shall be found for you, and brought to you by me; do you only, my life, cease to vex yourself.
Pam. Mysis.
Mys. (turning round.) Who is it? Why, Pamphilus, you do present yourself opportunely to me. My mistress charged me to beg of you, if you love her, to come to her directly; she says she wishes to see you.
Pam. (aside.) Alas! I am undone; this dilemma grows apace! (To Davus.) For me and her, unfortunate persons, now to be tortured this way through your means; for I am sent for, because she has discovered that my marriage is in preparation.
Char. From which, indeed, how easily a respite could have been obtained, if he (pointing to Davus) had kept himself quiet.
Dav. (ironically to Charinus.) Do proceed; if he isn’t sufficiently angry of his own accord, do you irritate him.
Mys. (to Pamphilus.) Aye faith, that is the case; and for that reason, poor thing, she is now in distress.
Pam. Mysis, I swear by all the Gods that I will never forsake her; not if I were to know that all men would be my enemies in consequence. Her have I chosen for mine; she has fallen to my lot; our feelings are congenial; farewell they, who wish for a separation between us; nothing but Death separates her from me.
Mys. I begin to revive.
Pam. Not the responses of Apollo are more true than this. If it can possibly be contrived that my father may not believe that this marriage has been broken off through me, I could wish it. But if that can not be, I will do that which is easily effected, for him to believe that through me it has been caused. What do you think of me?
Char. That you are as unhappy as myself.
Dav. (placing his finger on his forehead.) I’m contriving an expedient.
Char. You are a clever hand; if you do set about any thing.
Dav. Assuredly, I’ll manage this for you.
Pam. There’s need of it now.
Dav. But I’ve got it now.
Char. What is it?
Dav. For him (pointing to Pamphilus) I’ve got it, not for you, don’t mistake.
Char. I’m quite satisfied.
Pam. What will you do? Tell me.
Dav. I’m afraid that this day won’t be long enough for me to execute it, so don’t suppose that I’ve now got leisure for relating it; do you betake yourself off at once, for you are a hinderance to me.
Pam. I’ll go and see her.
Goes into the house of Glycerium.
Dav. (to Charinus.) What are you going to do? Whither are you going from here?
Char. Do you wish me to tell you the truth?
Dav. No, not at all; (aside) he’s making the beginning of a long story for me.
Char. What will become of me?
Dav. Come now, you unreasonable person, are you not satisfied that I give you a little respite, by putting off his marriage?
Char. But yet, Davus—
Dav. What then?
Char. That I may marry her—
Dav. Absurd.
Char. Be sure to come hither (pointing in the direction of his house) to my house, if you can effect any thing.
Dav. Why should I come? I can do nothing for you.
Char. But still, if any thing—
Dav. Well, well, I’ll come.
Char. If you can; I shall be at home.
Exit.
Mysis and Davus.
Dav. Do you, Mysis, remain here a little while, until I come out.
Mys. For what reason?
Dav. There’s a necessity for so doing.
Mys. Make haste.
Dav. I’ll be here this moment, I tell you.
He goes into the house of Glycerium.
Mysis alone.
Mys. (to herself.) That nothing can be secure to any one! Ye Gods, by our trust in you! I used to make sure that this Pamphilus was a supreme blessing for my mistress; a friend, a protector, a husband secured under every circumstance; yet what anguish is she, poor thing, now suffering through him? Clearly there’s more trouble for her now than there was happiness formerly. But Davus is coming out.
Enter Davus from the house of Glycerium with the child.
Mys. My good sir, prithee, what is that? Whither are you carrying the child?
Dav. Mysis, I now stand in need of your cunning being brought into play in this matter, and of your address.
Mys. Why, what are you going to do?
Dav. (holding out the child.) Take it from me directly, and lay it down before our door.
Mys. Prithee, on the ground?
Dav. (pointing.) Take some sacred herbs78 from the altar here,79 and strew them under it.
Mys. Why don’t you do it yourself?
Dav. That if perchance I should have to swear to my master that I did not place it there, I may be enabled to do so with a clear conscience.
Mys. I understand; have these new scruples only just now occurred to you, pray?
Dav. Bestir yourself quickly, that you may learn what I’m going to do next. (Mysis lays the child at Simo’s door.) Oh Jupiter!
Mys. (starting up.) What’s the matter?
Dav. The father of the intended bride is coming in the middle of it all. The plan which I had first purposed I now give up.80
Mys. I don’t understand what you are talking about.
Dav. I’ll pretend too that I’ve come in this direction from the right. Do you take care to help out the conversation by your words, whenever there’s necessity.81
Mys. I don’t at all comprehend what you are about; but if there’s any thing in which you have need of my assistance, as you understand the best, I’ll stay, that I mayn’t in any way impede your success.
Davus retires out of sight.
Enter Chremes on the other side of the stage, going toward the house of Simo.
Chrem. (to himself.) After having provided the things necessary for my daughter’s nuptials, I’m returning, that I may request her to be sent for. (Seeing the child.) But what’s this? I’faith, it’s a child. (Addressing Mysis.) Woman, have you laid that here (pointing to the child)?
Mys. (aside, looking out for Davus.) Where is he?
Chrem. Don’t you answer me?
Mys. (looking about, to herself.) He isn’t any where to be seen. Woe to wretched me! the fellow has left me and is off.
Dav. (coming forward and pretending not to see them.) Ye Gods, by our trust in you! what a crowd there is in the Forum! What a lot of people are squabbling there! (Aloud.) Then provisions are so dear. (Aside.) What to say besides, I don’t know.
Chremes passes by Mysis, and goes to a distance at the back of the stage.
Mys. Pray, why did you leave me here alone?
Dav. (pretending to start on seeing the child.) Ha! what story is this? How now, Mysis, whence comes this child? Who has brought it here?
Mys. Are you quite right in your senses, to be asking me that?
Dav. Whom, then, ought I to ask, as I don’t see any one else here?
Chrem. (apart to himself.) I wonder whence it has come.
Dav. Are you going to tell me what I ask?
Mys. Pshaw!
Dav. (in a whisper.) Step aside to the right.
They retire on one side.
Mys. You are out of your senses; didn’t you your own self?
Dav. (in a low voice.) Take you care not to utter a single word beyond what I ask you. Why don’t you say aloud whence it comes?
Mys. (in a loud voice.) From our house.
Dav. (affecting indignation.) Heyday, indeed! it really is a wonder if a woman, who is a courtesan, acts impudently.
Chrem. (apart.) So far as I can learn, this woman belongs to the Andrian.
Dav. Do we seem to you such very suitable persons for you to be playing tricks with us in this way?
Chrem. (apart.) I came just in time.
Dav. Make haste then, and take the child away from the door here: (in a low voice) stay there; take care you don’t stir from that spot.
Mys. (aside.) May the Gods confound you! you do so terrify poor me.
Dav. (in a loud voice.) Is it to you I speak or not?
Mys. What is it you want?
Dav. (aloud.) What—do you ask me again? Tell me, whose child have you been laying here? Let me know.
Mys. Don’t you know?
Dav. (in a low voice.) Have done with what I know; tell me what I ask.
Mys. (aloud.) It belongs to your people.
Dav. (aloud.) Which of our people?
Mys. (aloud.) To Pamphilus.
Dav. (affecting surprise in a loud tone.) How? What—to Pamphilus?
Mys. (aloud.) How now—is it not so?
Chrem. (apart.) With good reason have I always been averse to this match, it’s clear.
Dav. (calling aloud.) O abominable piece of effrontery!
Mys. Why are you bawling out so?
Dav. (aloud.) What, the very one I saw being carried to your house yesterday evening?
Mys. O you impudent fellow!
Dav. (aloud.) It’s the truth. I saw Canthara stuffed out beneath her clothes.82
Mys. I’faith, I thank the Gods that several free women were present83 at the delivery.
Dav. (aloud.) Assuredly she doesn’t know him, on whose account she resorts to these schemes. Chremes, she fancies, if he sees the child laid before the door, will not give his daughter; i’faith, he’ll give her all the sooner,.
Chrem. (apart.) I’faith, he’ll not do so.
Dav. (aloud.) Now therefore, that you may be quite aware, if you don’t take up the child, I’ll roll it forthwith into the middle of the road; and yourself in the same place I’ll roll over into the mud.
Mys. Upon my word, man, you are not sober.
Dav. (aloud.) One scheme brings on another. I now hear it whispered about that she is a citizen of Attica—
Chrem. (apart.) Ha!
Dav. (aloud.) And that, constrained by the laws,84 he will have to take her as his wife.
Mys. Well now, pray, is she not a citizen?
Chrem. (apart.) I had almost fallen unawares into a comical misfortune.
Comes forward.
Dav. Who’s that, speaking? (Pretending to look about.) O Chremes, you have come in good time. Do listen to this.
Chrem. I have heard it all already.
Dav. Prithee, did you hear it? Here’s villainy for you! she (pointing at Mysis) ought to be carried off85 hence to the torture forthwith. (To Mysis, pointing at Chremes.) This is Chremes himself; don’t suppose that you are trifling with Davus only.
Mys. Wretched me! upon my faith I have told no untruth, my worthy old gentleman.
Chrem. I know the whole affair. Is Simo within?
Dav. He is.
Chremes goes into Simo’s house.
Davus and Mysis.
Mys. (Davus attempting to caress her.) Don’t touch me, villain. (Moving away.) On my word, if I don’t tell Glycerium all this....
Dav. How now, simpleton, don’t you know what has been done?
Mys. How should I know?
Dav. This is the bride’s father. It couldn’t any other way have been managed that he should know the things that we wanted him to know.
Mys. You should have told me that before.
Dav. Do you suppose that it makes little difference whether you do things according to impulse, as nature prompts, or from premeditation?
Enter Crito, looking about him.
Crito (to himself.) It was said that Chrysis used to live in this street, who preferred to gain wealth here dishonorably to living honestly as a poor woman in her own country: by her death that property has descended to me by law.86 But I see some persons of whom to make inquiry. (Accosting them.) Good-morrow to you.
Mys. Prithee, whom do I see? Isn’t this Crito, the kinsman of Chrysis? It is he.
Cri. O Mysis, greetings to you.
Mys. Welcome to you, Crito.
Cri. Is Chrysis then——?87 Alas!
Mys. Too truly. She has indeed left us poor creatures quite heart-broken.
Cri. How fare you here, and in what fashion? Pretty well?
Mys. What, we? Just as we can, as they say; since we can’t as we would.
Cri. How is Glycerium? Has she discovered her parents yet?
Mys. I wish she had.
Cri. What, not yet? With no favorable omen did I set out for this place; for, upon my faith, if I had known that, I never would have moved a foot hither. She was always said to be, and was looked upon as her sister; what things were hers she is in possession of; now for me to begin a suit at law here, the precedents of others warn me, a stranger,88 how easy and profitable a task it would be for me. At the same time, I suppose that by this she has got some friend and protector; for she was pretty nearly a grown-up girl when she left there. They would cry out that I am a sharper; that, a pauper, I’m hunting after an inheritance; besides, I shouldn’t like to strip the girl herself.
Mys. O most worthy stranger! I’faith, Crito, you still adhere to your good old-fashioned ways.
Cri. Lead me to her, since I have come hither, that I may see her.
Mys. By all means.
They go into the house of Glycerium.
Dav. (to himself.) I’ll follow them; I don’t wish the old man to see me at this moment.
He follows Mysis and Crito.
Enter Chremes and Simo from the house of Simo.
Chrem. Enough already, enough, Simo, has my friendship toward you been proved. Sufficient hazard have I begun to encounter; make an end of your entreaties, then. While I’ve been endeavoring to oblige you, I’ve almost fooled away my daughter’s prospects in life.
Sim. Nay but, now in especial, Chremes, I do beg and entreat of you, that the favor, commenced a short time since in words, you’ll now complete by deeds.
Chrem. See how unreasonable you are from your very earnestness; so long as you effect what you desire, you neither think of limits to compliance, nor what it is you request of me; for if you did think, you would now forbear to trouble me with unreasonable requests.
Sim. What unreasonable requests?
Chrem. Do you ask? You importuned me to promise my daughter to a young man engaged in another attachment, averse to the marriage state, to plunge her into discord and a marriage of uncertain duration; that through her sorrow and her anguish I might reclaim your son. You prevailed; while the case admitted of it I made preparations. Now it does not admit of it; you must put up with it; they say that she is a citizen of this place; a child has been born; do cease to trouble us.
Sim. By the Gods, I do conjure you not to bring your mind to believe those whose especial interest it is that he should be as degraded as possible. On account of the marriage, have all these things been feigned and contrived. When the reason for which they do these things is removed from them, they will desist.
Chrem. You are mistaken: I myself saw the servant-maid wrangling with Davus.
Sim. (sneeringly.) I am aware.
Chrem. With an appearance of earnestness, when neither at the moment perceived that I was present there.
Sim. I believe it; and Davus a short time since forewarned me that this would be the case; and I don’t know how I forgot to tell it you to-day, as I had intended.
Enter Davus from the house of Glycerium.
Dav. (aloud at the door, not seeing Simo and Chremes.) Now then, I bid you set your minds at ease.
Chrem. (to Simo.) See you, there’s Davus.
Sim. From what house is he coming out?
Dav. (to himself.) Through my means, and that of the stranger——
Sim. (overhearing.) What mischief is this?
Dav. (to himself.) I never did see a more opportune person, encounter, or occasion.
Sim. The rascal! I wonder who it is he’s praising?
Dav. All the affair is now in a safe position.
Sim. Why do I delay to accost him?
Dav. (to himself, catching sight of Simo.) It’s my master; What am I to do?
Sim. (accosting him.) O, save you, good sir!
Dav. (affecting surprise.) Hah! Simo! O, Chremes, my dear sir, all things are now quite ready in-doors.
Sim. (ironically.) You have taken such very good care.
Dav. Send for the bride when you like.
Sim. Very good: (ironically) of course, that’s the only thing that’s now wanting here. But do you answer me this, what business had you there? (Pointing to the house of Glycerium.)
Dav. What, I?
Sim. Just so.
Dav. I?
Sim. Yes, you.
Dav. I went in just now.
Sim. As if I asked how long ago!
Dav. Together with your son.
Sim. What, is Phamphilus in there? (Aside.) To my confusion, I’m on the rack (To Davus.) How now? Didn’t you say that there was enmity between them, you scoundrel?
Dav. There is.
Sim. Why is he there, then?
Chrem. Why do you suppose he is? (Ironically.) Quarreling with her, of course.
Dav. Nay but, Chremes, I’ll let you now hear from me a disgraceful piece of business. An old man, I don’t know who he is, has just now come here; look you, he is a confident and shrewd person; when you look at his appearance, he seems to be a person of some consequence. There is a grave sternness in his features, and something commanding in his words.
Sim. What news are you bringing, I wonder?
Dav. Why nothing but what I heard him mention.
Sim. What does he say then?
Dav. That he knows Glycerium to be a citizen of Attica.
Sim. (going to his door.) Ho there! Dromo, Dromo!
Enter Dromo hastily from the house.
Dro. What is it?
Sim. Dromo!
Dav. Hear me.
Sim. If you add a word—Dromo!
Dav. Hear me, pray.
Dro. (to Simo.) What do you want?
Sim. (pointing to Davus.) Carry him off on your shoulders in-doors as fast as possible.
Dro. Whom?
Sim. Davus.
Dav. For what reason?
Sim. Because I choose. (To Dromo.) Carry him off, I say.
Dav. What have I done?
Sim. Carry him off.
Dav. If you find that I have told a lie in any one matter, then kill me.
Sim. I’ll hear nothing. I’ll soon have you set in motion.89
Dav. What? Although this is the truth.
Sim. In spite of it. (To Dromo.) Take care he’s kept well secured; and, do you hear? Tie him up hands and feet together.90 Now then, be off; upon my faith this very day, if I live, I’ll teach you what hazard there is in deceiving a master, and him in deceiving a father.
Dromo leads Davus into the house.
Chrem. Oh, don’t be so extremely vexed.
Sim. O Chremes, the dutifulness of a son! Do you not pity me? That I should endure so much trouble for such a son! (Goes to the door of Glycerium’s house.) Come, Pamphilus, come out, Pamphilus! have you any shame left?
Enter Pamphilus in haste from Glycerium’s house.
Pam. Who is it that wants me? (Aside.) I’m undone! it’s my father.
Sim. What say you, of all men, the—?
Chrem. Oh! rather speak about the matter itself, and forbear to use harsh language.
Sim. As if any thing too severe could now be possibly said against him. Pray, do you say that Glycerium is a citizen—
Pam. So they say.
Sim. So they say! Unparalleled assurance! does he consider what he says? Is he sorry for what he has done? Does his countenance, pray, at all betray any marks of shame? That he should be of mind so weak, as, without regard to the custom and the law91 of his fellow-citizens, and the wish of his own father, to be anxious, in spite of every thing, to have her, to his own utter disgrace!
Pam. Miserable that I am!
Sim. Ha! have you at last found that out only just now, Pamphilus? Long since did that expression, long since, when you made up your mind, that what you desired must be effected by you at any price; from that very day did that expression aptly befit you. But yet why do I torment myself? Why vex myself? Why worry my old age with this madness? Am I to suffer the punishment for his offenses? Nay then, let him have her, good-by to him, let him pass his life with her.
Pam. My father——
Sim. How, “my father?” As if you stood in any need of this father. Home, wife, and children, provided by you against the will of your father! People suborned, too, to say that she is a citizen of this place! You have gained your point.
Pam. Father, may I say a few words?
Sim. What can you say to me?
Chrem. But, Simo, do hear him.
Sim. I, hear him? Why should I hear him, Chremes?
Chrem. Still, however, do allow him to speak.
Sim. Well then, let him speak: I allow him.
Pam. I own that I love her; if that is committing a fault, I own that also. To you, father, do I subject myself. Impose on me any injunction you please; command me. Do you wish me to take a wife? Do you wish me to give her up? As well as I can, I will endure it. This only I request of you, not to think that this old gentleman has been suborned by me. Allow me to clear myself, and to bring him here before you.
Sim. To bring him here?
Pam. Do allow me, father.
Chrem. He asks what’s reasonable; do give him leave.
Pam. Allow me to obtain thus much of you.
Sim. I allow it. I desire any thing, so long as I find, Chremes, that I have not been deceived by him.
Pamphilus goes into the house of Glycerium.
Chrem. For a great offense, a slight punishment ought to satisfy a father.
Re-enter Pamphilus with Crito.
Cri. (to Pamphilus, as he is coming out.) Forbear entreating. Of these, any one reason prompts me to do it, either your own sake, or the fact that it is the truth, or that I wish well for Glycerium herself.
Chrem. (starting.) Do I see Crito of Andros? Surely it is he.
Cri. Greetings to you, Chremes.
Chrem. How is it that, so contrary to your usage, you are at Athens?
Cri. So it has happened. But is this Simo?
Chrem. It is he.
Cri. Simo, were you asking for me?
Sim. How now, do you say that Glycerium is a citizen of this place?
Cri. Do you deny it?
Sim. (ironically.) Have you come here so well prepared?
Cri. For what purpose?
Sim. Do you ask? Are you to be acting this way with impunity? Are you to be luring young men into snares here, inexperienced in affairs, and liberally brought up, by tempting them, and to be playing upon their fancies by making promises?
Cri. Are you in your senses?
Sim. And are you to be patching up amours with Courtesans by marriage?
Pam. (aside.) I’m undone! I fear that the stranger will not put up with this.
Chrem. If, Simo, you knew this person well, you would not think thus; he is a worthy man.
Sim. He, a worthy man! To come so opportunely to-day just at the very nuptials, and yet never to have come before? (Ironically.) Of course, we must believe him, Chremes.
Pam. (aside.) If I didn’t dread my father, I have something, which, in this conjuncture, I could opportunely suggest to him.92
Sim. (sneeringly, to Chremes.) A sharper!93
Cri. (starting.) Hah!
Chrem. It is his way, Crito; do excuse it.
Cri. Let him take heed how he behaves. If he persists in saying to me what he likes, he’ll be hearing things that he don’t like. Am I meddling with these matters or interesting myself? Can you not endure your troubles with a patient mind? For as to what I say, whether it is true or false what I have heard, can soon be known. A certain man of Attica, a long time ago,94 his ship being wrecked, was cast ashore at Andros, and this woman together with him, who was then a little girl; he, in his destitution, by chance first made application to the father of Chrysis—
Sim. (ironically.) He’s beginning his tale.
Chrem. Let him alone.
Cri. Really, is he to be interrupting me in this way?
Chrem. Do you proceed.
Cri. He who received him was a relation of mine. There I heard from him that he was a native of Attica. He died there.
Chrem. His name?
Cri. The name, in such a hurry!
Pam. Phania.
Chrem. (starting.) Hah! I shall die!
Cri. I’faith, I really think it was Phania; this I know for certain, he said that he was a citizen of Rhamnus.95
Chrem. O Jupiter!
Cri. Many other persons in Andros have heard the same, Chremes.
Chrem. (aside.) I trust it may turn out as I hope. (To Crito.) Come now, tell me, what did he then say about her? Did he say she was his own daughter?
Cri. No.
Chrem. Whose then?
Cri. His brother’s daughter.
Chrem. She certainly is mine.
Cri. What do you say?
Sim. What is this that you say?
Pam. (aside.) Prick up your ears, Pamphilus.
Sim. Why do you suppose so?
Chrem. That Phania was my brother.
Sim. I knew him, and I am aware of it.
Chrem. He, flying from the wars, and following me to Asia, set out from here. At the same time he was afraid to leave her here behind; since then, this is the first time I have heard what became of him.
Pam. (aside.) I am scarcely myself, so much has my mind been agitated by fear, hope, joy, and surprise at this so great, so unexpected blessing.
Sim. Really, I am glad for many reasons that she has been discovered to be a citizen.
Pam. I believe it, father.
Chrem. But there yet remains one difficulty96 with me, which keeps me in suspense.
Pam. (aside.) You deserve to be——, with your scruples, you plague. You are seeking a knot in a bulrush.97
Cri. (to Chremes.) What is that?
Chrem. The names don’t agree.
Cri. Troth, she had another when little.
Chrem. What was it, Crito? Can you remember it?
Cri. I’m trying to recollect it.
Pam. (aside.) Am I to suffer his memory to stand in the way of my happiness, when I myself can provide my own remedy in this matter? I will not suffer it. (Aloud.) Hark you, Chremes, that which you are trying to recollect is “Pasibula.”
Chrem. The very same.
Cri. That’s it.
Pam. I’ve heard it from herself a thousand times.
Sim. I suppose, Chremes, that you believe that we all rejoice at this discovery.
Chrem. So may the Gods bless me, I do believe it.
Pam. What remains to be done, father?
Sim. The event itself has quite brought me to reconcilement.
Pam. O kind father! With regard to her as a wife, since I have taken possession of her, Chremes will not offer any opposition.
Chrem. The plea is a very good one, unless perchance your father says any thing to the contrary.
Pam. Of course, I agree.
Sim. Then be it so.98