The Captain, Thraso, being ignorant of the same, has brought from abroad a girl who used wrongly to be called the sister of Thais, and presents her to Thais herself: she in reality is a citizen of Attica. To the same woman, Phædria, an admirer of Thais, orders a Eunuch whom he has purchased, to be taken, and he himself goes away into the country, having been entreated to give up two days to Thraso. A youth, the brother of Phædria, having fallen in love with the damsel sent to the house of Thais, is dressed up in the clothes of the Eunuch. Parmeno prompts him; he goes in; he ravishes the maiden; but at length her brother being discovered, a citizen of Attica, betroths her who has been ravished, to the youth, and Thraso prevails upon Phædria by his entreaties.
If there is any one who desires to please as many good men as possible, and to give offense to extremely few, among those does our Poet enroll his name. Next, if there is one who thinks21 that language too harsh, is here applied to him, let him bear this in mind—that it is an answer, not an attack; inasmuch as he has himself been the first aggressor; who, by translating plays verbally,22 and writing them in bad Latin, has made out of good Greek Plays Latin ones by no means good. Just as of late he has published the Phasma23 [the Apparition] of Menander; and in the Thesaurus [the Treasure] has described24 him from whom the gold is demanded, as pleading his cause why it should be deemed his own, before the person who demands it has stated how this treasure belongs to him, or how it came into the tomb of his father. Henceforward, let him not deceive himself, or fancy thus, “I have now done with it; there’s nothing that he can say to me.” I recommend him not to be mistaken, and to refrain from provoking me. I have many other points, as to which for the present he shall be pardoned, which, however, shall be brought forward hereafter, if he persists in attacking me, as he has begun to do. After the Ædiles had purchased the Eunuch of Menander, the Play which we are about to perform, he managed to get an opportunity of viewing it.25 When the magistrates were present it began to be performed. He exclaimed that a thief, no Poet, had produced the piece, but still had not deceived26 him; that, in fact, it was the Colax, an old Play of Plautus;27 and that from it were taken the characters of the Parasite and the Captain. If this is a fault, the fault is the ignorance of the Poet; not that he intended to be guilty of theft. That so it is, you will now be enabled to judge. The Colax is a Play of Menander’s; in it there is Colax, a Parasite, and a braggart Captain: he does not deny that he has transferred these characters into his Eunuch from the Greek; but assuredly he does deny this, that he was aware that those pieces had been already translated into Latin. But if it is not permitted us to use the same characters as others, how can it any more be allowed to represent hurrying servants,28 to describe virtuous matrons, artful courtesans, the gluttonous parasite, the braggart captain, the infant palmed off, the old man cajoled by the servant, about love, hatred, suspicion? In fine, nothing is said now that has not been said before. Wherefore it is but just that you should know this, and make allowance, if the moderns do what the ancients used to do. Grant me your attention, and give heed in silence, that you may understand what the Eunuch means.
Enter Phædria and Parmeno.
Phæd. What, then, shall I do?29 Ought I not to go, not now even, when I am sent for of her own accord? Or ought I rather so to behave myself as not to put up with affronts from Courtesans? She shut her door against me; she now invites me back. Ought I to return? No; though she should implore me.
Par. I’faith, if indeed you only can, there’s nothing better or more spirited; but if you begin, and can not hold out stoutly, and if, when you can not endure it, while no one asks you, peace being not made, you come to her of your own accord, showing that you love her, and can not endure it, you are done for; it’s all over with you; you are ruined outright. She’ll be jilting you, when she finds you overcome. Do you then, while there’s time, again and again reflect upon this, master, that a matter, which in itself admits of neither prudence nor moderation, you are unable to manage with prudence. In love there are all these evils; wrongs, suspicions, enmities, reconcilements, war, then peace; if you expect to render these things, naturally uncertain, certain by dint of reason, you wouldn’t effect it a bit the more than if you were to use your endeavors to be mad with reason. And, what you are now, in anger, meditating to yourself, “What! I to her?30 Who—him! Who—me! Who wouldn’t? Only let me alone; I had rather die; she shall find out what sort of a person I am;” these expressions, upon my faith, by a single false tiny tear, which, by rubbing her eyes, poor thing, she can hardly squeeze out perforce, she will put an end to; and she’ll be the first to accuse you; and you will be too ready to give satisfaction to her.
Phæd. O disgraceful conduct! I now perceive, both that she is perfidious, and that I am a wretched man. I am both weary of her, and burn with passion; knowing and fully sensible, alive and seeing it, I am going to ruin; nor do I know what I am to do.
Par. What you are to do? Why, only to redeem yourself, thus captivated, at the smallest price you can; if you can not at a very small rate, still for as little as you can; and do not afflict yourself.
Phæd. Do you persuade me to this?
Par. If you are wise. And don’t be adding to the troubles which love itself produces; those which it does produce, bear patiently. But see, here she is coming herself, the downfall of our fortunes,31—for that which we ought ourselves to enjoy she intercepts.
Enter Thais from her house.
Thais (to herself, not seeing them.) Ah wretched me! I fear lest Phædria should take it amiss or otherwise than I intended it, that he was not admitted yesterday.
Phæd. (aside to Parmeno.) I’m trembling and shivering all over, Parmeno, at the sight of her.
Par. (apart.) Be of good heart; only approach this fire,32 you’ll soon be warmer than you need.
Thais (turning round.) Who is it that’s speaking here? What, are you here, my Phædria? Why are you standing here! Why didn’t you come into the house at once?
Par. (whispering to Phædria.) But not a word about shutting you out!
Thais. Why are you silent?
Phæd. Of course, it’s because33 this door is always open to me, or because I’m the highest in your favor?
Thais. Pass those matters by.
Phæd. How pass them by? O Thais, Thais, I wish that I had equal affection with yourself, and that it were in like degree, that either this, might distress you in the same way that it distresses me, or that I might be indifferent at this being done by you.
Thais. Prithee, don’t torment yourself, my life, my Phædria. Upon my faith, I did it, not because I love or esteem any person more than you; but the case was such that it was necessary to be done.
Par. (ironically.) I suppose that, poor thing, you shut him out of doors, for love, according to the usual practice.
Thais. Is it thus you act, Parmeno? Well, well. (To Phædria.) But listen—the reason for which I desired you to be sent for hither—
Phæd. Go on.
Thais. First tell me this; can this fellow possibly hold his tongue? (pointing to Parmeno.)
Par. What, I? Perfectly well. But, hark you, upon these conditions I pledge my word to you; the truth that I hear, I’m silent upon, and retain it most faithfully; but if I hear what’s false and without foundation, it’s out at once; I’m full of chinks, and leak in every direction. Therefore, if you wish it to be kept secret, speak the truth.
Thais. My mother was a Samian; she lived at Rhodes—
Par. That may be kept a secret.
Thais. There, at that period, a certain merchant made present to my mother of a little girl, who had been stolen away from Attica here.
Par. What, a citizen?
Thais. I think so; we do not know for certain: she herself used to mention her mother’s and her father’s name; her country and other tokens she didn’t know, nor, by reason of her age, was she able. The merchant added this: that he had heard from the kidnappers that she had been carried off from Sunium.34 When my mother received her, she began carefully to teach her every thing, and to bring her up, just as though she had been her own daughter. Most persons supposed that she was my sister. Thence I came hither with that stranger, with whom alone at that period I was connected; he left me all which I now possess—
Par. Both these things are false; out it goes.
Thais. How so?
Par. Because you were neither content with one, nor was he the only one to make you presents; for he likewise (pointing to Phædria) brought a pretty considerable share to you.
Thais. Such is the fact; but do allow me to arrive at the point I wish. In the mean time, the Captain, who had begun to take a fancy to me, set out to Caria;35 since when, in the interval, I became acquainted with you. You yourself are aware how very dear I have held you; and how I confess to you all my nearest counsels.
Phæd. Nor will Parmeno be silent about that.
Par. O, is that a matter of doubt?
Thais. Attend; I entreat you. My mother died there recently; her brother is somewhat greedy after wealth. When he saw that this damsel was of beauteous form and understood music, hoping for a good price, he forthwith put her up for sale, and sold her. By good fortune this friend of mine was present; he bought her as a gift to me, not knowing or suspecting any thing of all this. He returned; but when he perceived that I had formed a connection with you as well, he feigned excuses on purpose that he might not give her; he said that if he could feel confidence that he should be preferred to yourself by me, so as not to apprehend that, when I had received her, I should forsake him, then he was ready to give her to me; but that he did fear this. But, so far as I can conjecture, he has set his affections upon the girl.
Phæd. Any thing beyond that?
Thais. Nothing; for I have made inquiry. Now, my Phædria, there are many reasons why I could wish to get her away from him. In the first place, because she was called my sister; moreover, that I may restore and deliver her to her friends. I am a lone woman; I have no one here, neither acquaintance nor relative; wherefore, Phædria, I am desirous by my good offices to secure friends. Prithee, do aid me in this, in order that it may be the more easily effected. Do allow him for the few next days to have the preference with me. Do you make no answer?
Phæd. Most vile woman! Can I make you any answer after such behavior as this?
Par. Well done, my master, I commend you; (aside) he’s galled at last. (To Phædria.) You show yourself a man.
Phæd. I was not aware what you were aiming at; “she was carried away from here, when a little child; my mother brought her up as though her own; she was called my sister; I wish to get her away, that I may restore her to her friends.” The meaning is, that all these expressions, in fine, now amount to this, that I am shut out, he is admitted. For what reason? Except that you love him more than me: and now you are afraid of her who has been brought hither, lest she should win him, such as he is, from yourself.
Thais. I, afraid of that?
Phæd. What else, then, gives you concern? Let me know. Is he the only person who makes presents? Have you found my bounty shut against you? Did I not, when you told me that you wished for a servant-maid from Æthiopia,36 setting all other matters aside, go and seek for one? Then you said that you wanted a Eunuch, because ladies of quality37 alone make use of them; I found you one. I yesterday paid twenty minæ38 for them both. Though slighted by you, I still kept these things in mind; as a reward for so doing, I am despised by you.
Thais. Phædria, what does this mean? Although I wish to get her away, and think that by these means it could most probably be effected; still, rather than make an enemy of you, I’ll do as you request me.
Phæd. I only wish that you used that expression from your heart and truthfully, “rather than make an enemy of you.” If I could believe that this was said sincerely, I could put up with any thing.
Par. (aside.) He staggers; how instantaneously is he vanquished by a single expression!
Thais. I, wretched woman, not speak from my heart? What, pray, did you ever ask of me in jest, but that you carried your point? I am unable to obtain even this of you, that you would grant me only two days.
Phæd. If, indeed, it is but two days; but don’t let these days become twenty.
Thais. Assuredly not more than two days, or—
Phæd. “Or?” I won’t have it.
Thais. It shall not be; only do allow me to obtain this of you.
Phæd. Of course that which you desire must be done.
Thais. I love you as you deserve; you act obligingly.
Phæd. (to Parmeno.) I shall go into the country; there I shall worry myself for the next two days: I’m resolved to do so; Thais must be humored. Do you, Parmeno, take care that they are brought hither.
Par. Certainly.
Phæd. For the next two days then, Thais, adieu.
Thais. And the same to you, my Phædria; do you desire aught else?
Phæd. What should I desire? That, present with the Captain, you may be as if absent; that night and day you may love me; may feel my absence; may dream of me; may be impatient for me; may think about me; may hope for me; may centre your delight in me; may be all in all with me; in fine, if you will, be my very life, as I am yours.
Exeunt Phædria and Parmeno.
Thais alone.
Thais, (to herself.) Ah wretched me!39 perhaps now he puts but little faith in me, and forms his estimate of me from the dispositions of other women.40 By my troth, I, who know my own self, am very sure of this, that I have not feigned any thing that’s false, and that no person is dearer to my heart than this same Phædria; and whatever in the present case I have done, for this girl’s sake have I done it; for I trust that now I have pretty nearly discovered her brother, a young man of very good family; and he has appointed this day to come to me at my house. I’ll go hence in-doors, and wait until he comes.
She goes into her house.
Enter Phædria and Parmeno.
Phæd. Mind that those people are taken there, as I ordered.
Par. I’ll do so.
Phæd. And carefully.
Par. It shall be done.
Phæd. And with all speed.
Par. It shall be done.
Phæd. Have you had sufficient instructions?
Par. Dear me! to ask the question, as though it were a matter of difficulty. I wish that you were able, Phædria, to find any thing as easily as this present will be lost.
Phæd. Together with it, I myself am lost, which concerns me more nearly. Don’t bear this with such a feeling of vexation.
Par. By no means; on the contrary, I’ll see it done. But do you order any thing else?
Phæd. Set off my present with words, as far as you can; and so far as you are able, do drive away that rival of mine from her.
Par. Pshaw! I should have kept that in mind, even if you hadn’t reminded me.
Phæd. I shall go into the country and remain there.
Par. I agree with you. (Moves as if going.)
Phæd. But hark you!
Par. What is it you want?
Phæd. Are you of opinion that I can muster resolution and hold out so as not to come back within the time?
Par. What, you? Upon my faith, I don’t think so; for either you’ll be returning at once, or by-and-by, at night, want of sleep will be driving you hither.
Phæd. I’ll do some laborious work, that I may be continually fatigued, so as to sleep in spite of myself.
Par. When wearied, you will be keeping awake; by this you will be making it worse.
Phæd. Oh, you talk to no purpose, Parmeno: this softness of spirit, upon my faith, must be got rid of; I indulge myself too much. Could I not do without her, pray, if there were the necessity, even for a whole three days?
Par. Whew! an entire three days! Take care what you are about.
Phæd. My mind is made up.
Exit.
Parmeno alone.
Par. (to himself.) Good Gods! What a malady is this! That a man should become so changed through love, that you wouldn’t know him to be the same person! Not any one was there41 less inclined to folly than he, and no one more discreet or more temperate. But who is it that’s coming this way? Heyday! surely this is Gnatho, the Captain’s Parasite; he’s bringing along with him the damsel as a present to her. Heavens! How beautiful! No wonder if I make but a sorry figure here to-day with this decrepit Eunuch of mine. She surpasses Thais herself.
Stands aside.
Enter Gnatho at a distance, leading Pamphila.
Gna. (to himself.) Immortal Gods! how much does one man excel another! What a difference there is between a wise person and a fool! This strongly came into my mind from the following circumstance. As I was coming along to-day, I met a certain person of this place, of my own rank and station, no mean fellow, one who, like myself, had guttled away his paternal estate; I saw him, shabby, dirty, sickly, beset with rags and years;—“What’s the meaning of this garb?” said I; he answered, “Because, wretch that I am, I’ve lost what I possessed: see to what I am reduced,—all my acquaintances and friends forsake me.” On this I felt contempt for him in comparison with myself. “What!” said I, “you pitiful sluggard, have you so managed matters as to have no hope left? Have you lost your wits together with your estate? Don’t you see me, who have risen from the same condition? What a complexion I have, how spruce and well dressed, what portliness of person? I have every thing, yet have nothing; and although I possess nothing, still, of nothing am I in want.” “But I,” said he, “unhappily, can neither be a butt nor submit to blows.”42 “What!” said I, “do you suppose it is managed by those means? You are quite mistaken. Once upon a time, in the early ages, there was a calling for that class; this is a new mode of coney-catching; I, in fact, have been the first to strike into this path. There is a class of men who strive to be the first in every thing, but are not; to these I make my court; I do not present myself to them to be laughed at; but I am the first to laugh with them, and at the same time to admire their parts: whatever they say, I commend; if they contradict that self-same thing, I commend again. Does any one deny? I deny: does he affirm? I affirm: in fine, I have so trained myself as to humor them in every thing. This calling is now by far the most productive.”
Par. (apart.) A clever fellow, upon my faith! From being fools he makes men mad outright.
Gna. (to himself, continuing.) While we were thus talking, in the mean time we arrived at the market-place; overjoyed, all the confectioners ran at once to meet me; fishmongers,43 butchers, cooks,44 sausage-makers, and fishermen, whom, both when my fortunes were flourishing and when they were ruined, I had served, and often serve still: they complimented me, asked me to dinner, and gave me a hearty welcome. When this poor hungry wretch saw that I was in such great esteem, and that I obtained a living so easily, then the fellow began to entreat me that I would allow him to learn this method of me; I bade him become my follower45 if he could; as the disciples of the Philosophers take their names from the Philosophers themselves, so too, the Parasites ought to be called Gnathonics.
Par. (apart to the Audience.) Do you see the effects of ease and feeding at another’s cost?
Gna. (to himself, continuing.) But why do I delay to take this girl to Thais, and ask her to come to dinner? (Aside, on seeing Parmeno.) But I see Parmeno, our rival’s servant, waiting before the door of Thais with a sorrowful air; all’s safe; no doubt these people are finding a cold welcome. I’m resolved to have some sport with this knave.
Par. (aside.) They fancy that, through this present, Thais is quite their own.
Gna. (accosting Parmeno.) With his very best wishes Gnatho greets Parmeno, his very good friend.—What are you doing?
Par. I’m standing.46
Gna. So I perceive. Pray, do you see any thing here that don’t please you?
Par. Yourself.
Gna. I believe you,—but any thing else, pray?
Par. Why so?
Gna. Because you are out of spirits.
Par. Not in the least.
Gna. Well, don’t be so; but what think you of this slave? (pointing to her.)
Par. Really, not amiss.
Gna. (aside.) I’ve galled the fellow.
Par. (aside, on overhearing him.) How mistaken you are in your notion!
Gna. How far do you suppose this gift will prove acceptable to Thais?
Par. It’s this you mean to say now, that we are discarded there. Hark you, there are vicissitudes in all things.
Gna. For the next six months, Parmeno, I’ll set you at ease; you sha’n’t have to be running to and fro, or sitting up till daylight. Don’t I make you happy?
Par. Me? O prodigiously!
Gna. That’s my way with my friends.
Par. I commend you.
Gna. I’m detaining you; perhaps you were about to go somewhere else.
Par. Nowhere.
Gna. In that case then, lend me your services a little; let me be introduced to her.
Par. Very well; (Gnatho knocks at the door, which immediately opens) now the door is open for you, (aside) because you are bringing her.
Gna. (going into the house of Thais, ironically.) Should you like any one to be called out from here?
Goes in with Pamphila, and shuts the door.
Parmeno, alone.
Par. (to himself.) Only let the next two days go by; you who, at present, in such high favor, are opening the door with one little finger, assuredly I’ll cause to be kicking at that door full oft, with your heels, to no purpose.
Re-enter Gnatho from the house.
Gna. Still standing here, Parmeno? Why now, have you been left on guard here, that no go-between might perchance be secretly running from the Captain to her?
Exit.
Par. Smartly said; really they ought to be wonderful things to please the Captain. But I see my master’s youngest son coming this way; I wonder why he has come away from the Piraeus,47 for he is at present on guard there in the public service. It’s not for nothing; he’s coming in a hurry, too; I can’t imagine why he’s looking around in all directions.
Enter Chærea on the other side of the stage, in haste.
Chæ. (to himself.) I’m utterly undone! The girl is nowhere; nor do I know where I am myself, to have lost sight of her. Where to inquire for her, where to search for her, whom to ask, which way to turn, I’m at a loss. I have only this hope; wherever she is, she can not long be concealed. O what beauteous features! from this moment I banish all other women from my thoughts; I can not endure these every-day beauties.
Par. (apart.) Why look, here’s the other one. He’s saying something, I don’t know what, about love. O unfortunate old man, their father! This assuredly is a youth, who, if he does begin, you will say that the other one was mere play and pastime, compared with what the madness of this one will cause.
Chæ. (to himself, aloud.) May all the Gods and Goddesses confound that old fellow who detained me to-day, and me as well who stopped for him, and in fact troubled myself a straw about him. But see, here’s Parmeno. (Addressing him.) Good-morrow to you.
Par. Why are you out of spirits, and why in such a hurry? Whence come you?
Chæ. What, I? I’faith, I neither know whence I’m come, nor whither I’m going; so utterly have I lost myself.
Par. How, pray?
Chæ. I’m in love.
Par. (starting.) Ha!
Chæ. Now, Parmeno, you may show what sort of a man you are. You know that you often promised me to this effect: “Chærea, do you only find some object to fall in love with; I’ll make you sensible of my usefulness in such matters,” when I used to be storing up my father’s provisions for you on the sly in your little room.48
Par. To the point, you simpleton.
Chæ. Upon my faith, this is the fact. Now, then, let your promises be made good, if you please, or if indeed the affair is a deserving one for you to exert your energies upon. The girl isn’t like our girls, whom their mothers are anxious to have with shoulders kept down, and chests well girthed,49 that they may be slender. If one is a little inclined to plumpness, they declare that she’s training for a boxer,50 and stint her food; although their constitutions are good, by their treatment they make them as slight as bulrushes; and so for that reason they are admired, forsooth.
Par. What sort of a girl is this one of yours?
Chæ. A new style of beauty.
Par. (ironically.) Astounding!
Chæ. Her complexion genuine,51 her flesh firm and full of juiciness.52
Par. Her age?
Chæ. Her age? Sixteen.
Par. The very flower of youth.53
Chæ. Do you make it your care to obtain her for me either by force, stealth, or entreaty; so that I only gain her, it matters not how to me.
Par. Well, but to whom does the damsel belong?
Chæ. That, i’faith, I don’t know.
Par. Whence did she come?
Chæ. That, just as much.
Par. Where does she live?
Chæ. Nor yet do I know that.
Par. Where did you see her?
Chæ. In the street.
Par. How did you come to lose her?
Chæ. Why, that’s what I was just now fretting myself about; and I do not believe that there is one individual to whom all good luck is a greater stranger than to myself. What ill fortune this is! I’m utterly undone!
Par. What’s the matter?
Chæ. Do you ask me? Do you know Archidemides, my father’s kinsman and years’-mate?
Par. Why not?
Chæ. He, while I was in full pursuit of her, met me.
Par. Unseasonably, upon my faith.
Chæ. Aye, unhappily, rather; for other ordinary matters are to be called “unseasonable,” Parmeno. It would be safe for me to make oath that I have not seen him for fully these six or seven months, until just now, when I least wanted, and there was the least occasion. Come now! isn’t this like a fatality? What do you say?
Par. Extremely so.
Chæ. At once he came running up to me, from a considerable distance, stooping, palsied, hanging his lip, and wheezing. “Halloo, Chærea! halloo!” said he; “I’ve something to say to you.” I stopped. “Do you know what it is I want with you?” said he. “Say on,” said I. “To-morrow my cause comes on,” said he. “What then?” “Be sure and tell your father to remember and be my advocate54 in the morning.” In talking of this, an hour elapsed.55 I inquired if he wanted any thing else. “That’s all,” said he. I left him. When I looked in this direction for the damsel, she had that very instant turned thia way down this street of ours.
Par. (aside.) It’s a wonder if he doesn’t mean her who has just now been made a present of to Thais here.
Chæ. When I got here, she was nowhere to be seen.
Par. Some attendants, I suppose, were accompanying the girl?
Chæ. Yes; a Parasite, and a female servant.
Par. (apart.) It’s the very same. (To Chærea.) It’s all over with you; make an end of it; you’ve said your last.56
Chæ. You are thinking about something else.
Par. Indeed I’m thinking of this same matter.
Chæ. Pray, tell me, do you know her, or did you see her?
Par. I did see, and I do know her; I am aware to what house she has been taken.
Chæ. What, my dear Parmeno, do you know her, and are you aware where she is?
Par. She has been brought here (pointing) to the house of Thais the Courtesan.57 She has been made a present to her.
Chæ. What opulent person is it, to be presenting a gift so precious as this?
Par. The Captain Thraso, Phædria’s rival.
Chæ. An unpleasant business for my brother, it should seem.
Par. Aye, and if you did but know what present he is pitting against this present, you would say so still more.
Chæ. Troth now, what is it, pray?
Par. A Eunuch.58
Chæ. What! that unsightly creature, pray, that he purchased yesterday, an old woman?
Par. That very same.
Chæ. To a certainty, the gentleman will be bundled out of doors, together with his present; but I wasn’t aware that this Thais is our neighbor.
Par. It isn’t long since she came.
Chæ. Unhappy wretch that I am! never to have seen her, even. Come now, just tell me, is she as handsome as she is reported to be?59
Par. Quite.
Chæ. But nothing in comparison with this damsel of mine?
Par. Another thing altogether.
Chæ. Troth now, Parmeno, prithee do contrive for me to gain possession of her.
Par. I’ll do my best, and use all my endeavors; I’ll lend you my assistance. (Going.) Do you want any thing else with me?
Chæ. Where are you going now?
Par. Home; to take those slaves to Thais, as your brother ordered me.
Chæ. Oh, lucky Eunuch that! really, to be sent as a present to that house! Par. Why so?
Chæ. Do you ask? Ho will always see at home a fellow-servant of consummate beauty, and he conversing with her; he will be in the same house with her; sometimes he will take his meals with her; sometimes sleep near her.
Par. What now, if you yourself were to be this fortunate person?
Chæ. By what means, Parmeno? Tell me.
Par. Do you assume his dress.
Chæ. His dress! Well, what then?
Par. I’ll take you there instead of him.
Chæ. (musing.) I hear you.
Par. I’ll say that you are he.
Chæ. I understand you.
Par. You may enjoy those advantages which you just now said he would enjoy; you may take your meals together with her, be in company with her, touch her, dally with her, and sleep by her side; as not one of these women is acquainted with you, nor yet knows who you are. Besides, you are of an age and figure that you may easily pass for a eunuch.
Chæ. You speak to the purpose; I never knew better counsel given. Well, let’s go in at once; dress me up, take me away, lead me to her, as fast as you can.
Par. What do you mean? Really, I was only joking.
Chæ. You talk nonsense.
Par. I’m undone! Wretch that I am! what have I done? (Chærea pushes him along.) Whither are you pushing me? You’ll throw me down presently. I entreat you, be quiet.
Chæ. Let’s be off. (Pushes him.)
Par. Do you still persist?
Chæ. I am resolved upon it.
Par. Only take care that this isn’t too rash a project.
Chæ. Certainly it isn’t; let me alone for that.
Par. Aye, but I shall have to pay the penalty60 for this?
Chæ. Pshaw!
Par. We shall be guilty of a disgraceful action.
Chæ. What, is it disgraceful61 to be taken to the house of a Courtesan, and to return the compliment upon those tormentors who treat us and our youthful age so scornfully, and who are always tormenting us in every way;—to dupe them just as we are duped by them? Or is it right and proper that in preference my father should be wheedled out of his money by deceitful pretexts? Those who knew of this would blame me; while all would think the other a meritorious act.
Par. What’s to be done in such case? If you are determined to do it, you must do it: but don’t you by-and-by be throwing the blame upon me.
Chæ.. I shall not do so.
Par. Do you order me, then?
Chæ. I order, charge, and command you; I will never disavow my authorizing you.
Par. Follow me; may the Gods prosper it!
They go into the house of Laches.
Enter Thraso and Gnatho.
Thra. Did Thais really return me many thanks?
Gna. Exceeding thanks.
Thra. Was she delighted, say you?
Gna. Not so much, indeed, at the present itself, as because it was given by you; really, in right earnest, she does exult at that.
Enter Parmeno unseen, from Laches’ house.
Par. (apart.) I’ve come here to be on the look-out, that when there is an opportunity I may take the presents. But see, here’s the Captain.
Thra. Undoubtedly it is the case with me, that every thing I do is a cause for thankfulness.
Gna. Upon my faith, I’ve observed it.
Thra. The most mighty King,62 even, always used to give me especial thanks for whatever I did; but not so to others.
Gna. He who has the wit that you have, often by his words appropriates to himself the glory that has been achieved by the labor of others.
Thra. You’ve just hit it.63
Gna. The king, then, kept you in his eye.64
Thra. Just so.
Gna. To enjoy your society.
Thra. True; he intrusted to me all his army, all his state secrets.
Gna. Astonishing!
Thra. Then if, on any occasion, a surfeit of society, or a dislike of business, came upon him, when he was desirous to take some recreation; just as though—you understand?65
Gna. I know; just as though on occasion he would rid his mind of those anxieties.
Thra. You have it. Then he used to take me aside as his only boon companion.
Gna. Whew! You are telling of a King of refined taste.
Thra. Aye, he is a person of that sort; a man of but very few acquaintanceships.
Gna. (aside.) Indeed, of none,66 I fancy, if he’s on intimate terms with you.
Thra. All the people envied me, and attacked me privately. I don’t care one straw. They envied me dreadfully; but one in particular, whom the King had appointed over the Indian elephants.67 Once, when he became particularly troublesome, “Prithee, Strato,” said I, “are you so fierce because you hold command over the wild beasts?”
Gna. Cleverly said, upon my faith, and shrewdly. Astounding! You did give the fellow a home thrust. What said he?
Thra. Dumfounded, instantaneously.
Gna. How could he be otherwise?
Par. (apart.) Ye Gods, by our trust in you! a lost and miserable fellow the one, and the other a scoundrel.
Thra. Well then, about that matter, Gnatho, the way in which I touched up the Rhodian at a banquet—did I never tell you?
Gna. Never; but pray, do tell me. (Aside.) I’ve heard it more than a thousand times already.
Thra. There was in my company at a banquet, this young man of Rhodes, whom I’m speaking of. By chance I had a mistress there; he began to toy with her, and to annoy me. “What are you doing, sir impudence?” said I to the fellow; “a hare yourself, and looking out for game?”68
Gna. (pretending to laugh very heartily.) Ha, ha, ha!
Thra. What’s the matter?
Gna. How apt, how smart, how clever; nothing could be more excellent. Prithee, was this a saying of yours? I fancied it was an old one.
Thra. Did you ever hear it before?
Gna. Many a time; and it is mentioned among the first-rate ones.
Thra. It’s my own.
Gna. I’m sorry though that it was said to a thoughtless young man, and one of respectability.
Par. (apart.) May the Gods confound you!
Gna. Pray, what did he do?
Thra. Quite disconcerted. All who were present were dying with laughter; in short, they were all quite afraid of me.
Gna. Not without reason.
Thra. But hark you, had I best clear myself of this to Thais, as to her suspicion that I’m fond of this girl?
Gna. By no means: on the contrary, rather increase her jealousy.
Thra. Why so?
Gna. Do you ask me? Don’t you see, if on any occasion she makes mention of Phædria or commends him, to provoke you——
Thra. I understand.
Gna. That such may not be the case, this method is the only remedy. When she speaks of Phædria, do you instantly mention Pamphila. If at any time she says, “Let’s invite Phædria to make one,” do you say, “Let’s ask Pamphila to sing.” If she praises his good looks, do you, on the other hand, praise hers. In short, do you return like for like, which will mortify her.
Thra. If, indeed, she loved me,69 this might be of some use, Gnatho.
Gna. Since she is impatient for and loves that which you give her, she already loves you; as it is, then, it is an easy matter for her to feel vexed. She will be always afraid lest the presents which she herself is now getting, you may on some occasion be taking elsewhere.
Thra. Well said; that never came into my mind.
Gna. Nonsense. You never thought about it; else how much more readily would you yourself have hit upon it, Thraso!
Enter Thais from her house, attended by Pythias.
Thais, (as she comes out.) I thought I just now heard the Captain’s voice. And look, here he is. Welcome, my dear Thraso.
Thra. O my Thais, my sweet one, how are you? How much do you love me in return for that music girl?
Par. (apart.) How polite! What a beginning he has made on meeting her!
Thais. Very much, as you deserve.
Gna. Let’s go to dinner then. (To Thraso.) What do you stand here for?
Par. (apart.) Then there’s the other one: you would declare that he was born for his belly’s sake.
Thra. When you please; I sha’n’t delay.
Par. (apart.) I’ll accost them, and pretend as though I had just come out. (He comes forward.) Are you going any where, Thais?
Thais. Ha! Parmeno; well done; just going out for the day.
Par. Where?
Thais, (aside, pointing at Thraso.) Why! don’t you see him?
Par. (aside.) I see him, and I’m sorry for it. (Aloud.) Phædria’s presents are ready for you when you please.
Thra. (impatiently.) Why are we to stand here? Why don’t we be off?
Par. (to Thraso.) Troth now, pray, do let us, with your leave, present to her the things we intend, and accost and speak to her.
Thra. (ironically.) Very fine presents, I suppose, or at least equal to mine.
Par. The fact will prove itself. (Goes to the door of Laches’ house and calls.) Ho there! bid those people come out of doors at once, as I ordered.
Enter from the house a Black Girl.
Par. Do you step forward this way, (To Thais.) She comes all the way from Æthiopia.
Thra. (contemptuously.) Here are some three minæ in value.
Gna. Hardly so much.
Par. Where are you, Dorus? Step this way.
Enter Chærea from the house, dressed like the Eunuch.
Par. There’s a Eunuch for you—of what a genteel appearance! of what a prime age!
Thais. God bless me, he’s handsome.
Par. What say you, Gnatho? Do you see any thing to find fault with? And what say you, Thraso? (Aside.) They hold their tongues; they praise him sufficiently thereby. (To Thais.) Make trial of him in literature, try him in exercises,70 and in music; I’ll warrant him well skilled in what it becomes a gentleman to know.
Thra. That Eunuch, if occasion served,71 even in my sober senses, I—
Par. And he who has sent these things makes no request that you will live for him alone, and that for his own sake others may be excluded; he neither tells of battles nor shows his scars, nor does he restrict you as (looking at Thraso) a certain person does; but when it is not inconvenient, whenever you think fit, whenever you have the time, he is satisfied to be admitted.
Thra. (to Gnatho, contemptuously.) It appears that this is the servant of some beggarly, wretched master.
Gna. Why, faith, no person, I’m quite sure of that, could possibly put up with him, who had the means to get another.
Par. You hold your tongue—a fellow whom I consider beneath all men of the very lowest grade: for when you can bring yourself to flatter that fellow (pointing at Thraso), I do believe you could pick your victuals out of the very flames.72
Thra. Are we to go now?
Thais. I’ll take these in-doors first (pointing to Chærea and the Æthiopian), and at the same time I’ll order what I wish; after that I’ll return immediately.
Goes into the house with Pythias, Chærea, and the Slave.
Thra. (to Gnatho.) I shall be off. Do you wait for her.
Par. It is not a proper thing for a general to be walking in the street with a mistress.
Thra. Why should I use many words with you? You are the very ape of your master.
Exit Parmeno.
Gna. (laughing.) Ha, ha, ha!
Thra. What are you laughing at?
Gna. At what you were mentioning just now; that saying, too, about the Rhodian, recurred to my mind. But Thais is coming out.
Thra. You go before; take care that every thing is ready at home.
Gna. Very well.
Exit.
Re-enter Thais, with Pythias and Female Attendants.
Thais. Take care, Pythias, and be sure that if Chremes should happen to come,73 to beg him to wait; if that is not convenient, then to come again; if he can not do that, bring him to me.
Pyth. I’ll do so.
Thais. Well, what else was I intending to say? O, do you take particular care of that young woman; be sure that you keep at home.
Thra. Let us begone.
Thais, (to her attendants.) You follow me.
Exeunt Thais and Thraso, followed by the Attendants. Pythias goes into the house.
Enter Chremes.
Chrem. (to himself.) Why, really, the more and more I think of it, I shouldn’t be surprised if this Thais should be doing me some great mischief; so cunningly do I perceive myself beset by her. Even on the occasion when she first requested me to be fetched to her (any one might ask me, “What business had you with her?” Really I don’t know.) When I came, she found an excuse for me to remain there; she said that she had been offering a sacrifice,74 and that she was desirous to speak upon some important business with me. Even then I had a suspicion that all these things were being done for her artful purposes. She takes her place beside me; pays every attention to me; seeks an opportunity of conversation. When the conversation flagged, she turned off to this point—how long since my father and mother died? I said that it was now a long time ago. Whether I had any country-house at Sunium, and how far from the sea? I suppose that this has taken her fancy, and she expects to get it away from me. Then at last, whether any little sister of mine had been lost from there; whether any person was with her; what she had about her when she was lost; whether any one could recognize her. Why should she make these inquiries? Unless, perhaps, she pretends—so great is her assurance—that she herself is the same person that was formerly lost when a little girl. But if she is alive, she is sixteen years old, not older; whereas Thais is somewhat older than I am. She has sent to press me earnestly to come. Either let her speak out what she wants, or not be troublesome; I assuredly shall not come a third time (knocking at the door of Thais). Ho! there, ho! there! Is any one here? It’s I, Chremes.
Enter Pythias from the house.
Pyth. O most charming, dear creature!
Chrem. (apart.) I said there was a design upon me.
Pyth. Thais entreated you most earnestly to come again to-morrow.
Chrem. I’m going into the country.
Pyth. Do, there’s a dear sir.