Chrem. I can not, I tell you.
Pyth. Then stay here at our house till she comes back.
Chrem. Nothing less likely.
Pyth. Why, my dear Chremes? (Taking hold of him.)
Chrem. (shaking her off.) Away to perdition with you!
Pyth. If you are so determined about it, pray do step over to the place where she is.
Chrem. I’ll go there.
Pyth. (calling at the door.) Here, Dorias (Dorias enters), show this person directly to the Captain’s.
Exit Chremes with Dorias, Pythias goes into the house.
Enter Antipho.
Ant. (to himself.) Yesterday some young fellows of us agreed together at the Piræus that we were to go shares today in a club-entertainment. We gave Chærea charge of this matter; our rings were given75 as pledges; the place and time arranged. The time has now gone by; at the place appointed there was nothing ready. The fellow himself is nowhere to be met with; I neither know what to say nor what to suppose. Now the rest have commissioned me with this business, to look for him. I’ll go see, therefore, if he’s at home. But who’s this, I wonder, coming out of Thais’s? Is it he, or is it not? ’Tis the very man! What, sort of being is this? What kind of garb is this? What mischief is going on now? I can not sufficiently wonder or conjecture. But, whatever it is, I should like first at a distance to try and find out.
He stands apart.
Enter Chærea from the house of Thais, in the Eunuch’s dress.
Chæ. (looking around, then aloud to himself.) Is there anybody here? There’s no one. Is there any one following me from there? There’s not a person. Now am I not at liberty to give vent to these raptures? O supreme Jupiter! now assuredly is the time for me to meet my death,76 when I can so well endure it; lest my life should sully this ecstasy with some disaster. But is there now no inquisitive person to be intruding upon me, to be following me wherever I go, to be deafening me, worrying me to death, with asking questions; why thus transported, or why so overjoyed, whither I’m going, whence I’m come, where I got this garb, what is my object, whether I’m in my senses or whether downright mad?
Ant. (apart.) I’ll accost him, and I’ll do him the favor which I see he’s wishing for. (Accosting him.) Chærea, why are you thus transported? What’s the object of this garb? Why is it that you’re so overjoyed? What is the meaning of this? Are you quite right in your senses? Why do you stare at me? What have you to say?
Chæ. O joyous day! O welcome, my friend! There’s not one in all the world whom I would rather wish to see at this moment than yourself.
Ant. Pray, do tell me what all this means.
Chæ. Nay rather, i’faith, I beg of you to listen to me. Do you know the mistress whom my brother is so fond of?
Ant. I know her; I suppose you mean Thais?
Chæ. The very same.
Ant. So far I recollect.
Chæ. To-day a certain damsel was presented to her. Why now should I extol or commend her beauty to you, Antipho, since you yourself know how nice a judge of beauty I am? I have been smitten by her.
Ant. Do you say so?
Chæ. If you saw her, I am sure you would say she’s exquisite. What need of many words? I fell in love with her. By good luck there was at our house a certain Eunuch, whom my brother had purchased for Thais, and he had not as yet been sent to her. On this occasion, Parmeno, our servant, made a suggestion to me, which I adopted.
Ant. What was it?
Chæ. Be quiet, and you shall hear the sooner; to change clothes with him, and order myself to be taken there in his stead.
Ant. What, instead of the Eunuch?
Chæ. The fact.
Ant. To receive what advantage, pray, from this plan?
Chæ. Do you ask? That I might see, hear, and be in company with her whom I loved, Antipho. Is that a slight motive, or a poor reason? I was presented to the woman. She, as soon as she received me, joyfully took me home to her house and intrusted the damsel—
Ant. To whom? To you?
Chæ. To me.
Ant. (ironically.) In perfect safety, at all events.
Chæ. She gave orders that we male was to come near her, and commanded me not to stir away from her; that I was to remain alone with her in the inner apartments.77 Looking bashfully on the ground, I nodded assent.
Ant. (ironically.) Poor fellow!
Chæ. (continuing.) “I am going out,” said she, “to dinner.” She took her maids with her; a few novices of girls78 remained, to be about her. These immediately made preparations for her to bathe. I urged them to make haste. While preparations were being made, the damsel sat in a room looking up at a certain painting,79 in which was represented how Jove80 is said once to have sent a golden shower into the bosom of Danaë. I myself began to look at it as well, and as he had in former times played the like game, I felt extremely delighted that a God should change himself into money, and slily come through the tiles of another person’s house, to deceive the fair one by means of a shower. But what God was this? He who shakes the most lofty temples of heaven with his thunders. Was I, a poor creature of a mortal,81 not to do the same? Certainly, I was to do it, and without hesitation. While I was thinking over these matters with myself, the damsel meantime was fetched away to bathe; she went, bathed, and came back; after which they laid her on a couch. I stood waiting to see if they gave me any orders. One came up, “Here, Dorus,” said she, “take this fan,82 and let her have a little air in this fashion, while we are bathing; when we have bathed, if you like, you may bathe too.” With a demure air I took it.
Ant. Really, I should very much have liked to see that impudent face of yours just then, and what figure a great donkey like you made, holding a fan!
Chæ. (continuing.) Hardly had she said this, when all, in a moment, betook themselves off: away they went to bathe, and chattered aloud;83 just as the way is when masters are absent. Meanwhile, sleep overtook the damsel; I slily looked askance84 through the fan;85 this way (showing how): at the same time I looked round in all directions, to see whether all was quite safe. I saw that it was. I bolted the door.
Ant. What then?
Chæ. Eh? What then, you simpleton?
Ant. I own I am.
Chæ. Was I to let slip the opportunity offered me, so excellent, so short-lived,86 so longed for, so unexpected. In that case, i’faith, I really should have been the person I was pretending to be.
Ant. Troth, you certainly are in the right; but, meantime, what has been arranged about the club-entertainment?
Chæ. All’s ready.
Ant. You are a clever band; but where? At your house?
Chæ. No, at Discus’s, our freedman.
Ant. That’s a long way off.
Chæ. Then let’s make so much the greater haste.
Ant. Change your dress.
Chæ. Where am I to change it? I’m at a loss; for at present I’m an exile from home; I’m afraid of my brother, lest he should be in-doors: and then again of my father, lest he should have returned from the country by this.
Ant. Let’s go to my house; there is the nearest place for you to change.
Chæ. You say right. Let’s be off; besides, I want to take counsel with you about this girl, by what means I may be able to secure the future possession of her.
Ant. Very well.
Exeunt.
Enter Dorias, with a casket in her hand.
Dorias (to herself.) So may the Gods bless me, but from what I have seen, I’m terribly afraid that this mad fellow will be guilty of some disturbance to-day or of some violence to Thais. For when this young man, the brother of the damsel, arrived, she begged the Captain to order him to be admitted; he immediately began to get into a passion, and yet didn’t dare refuse; Thais still insisted that he would invite the man in. This she did for the sake of detaining him; because there was no opportunity just then of telling him what she wanted to disclose about her sister. He was invited in, and took his seat. Then she entered into discourse with him. But the Captain, fancying it was a rival brought before his very eyes, wanted in his turn to mortify her: “Hark you, boy,” said he, “go fetch Pamphila, that she may amuse us here.” She exclaimed, “At a banquet! Certainly not.” The Captain still persisted to a downright quarrel. Meanwhile my mistress secretly took off her golden jewels,87 and gave them to me to take away: this is a sign, I’m sure, that she’ll betake herself from there as soon as she possibly can.
Goes into the house.
Enter Phædria.
Phæd. (to himself.) While I was going88 into the country, I began on the road, as it mostly happens when there is any anxiety on the mind, to reflect with myself upon one thing after another, and upon every thing in the worst light. What need of words? While I was musing thus, inadvertently I passed my country-house. I had already got some distance from it, when I perceived this; I returned again, really feeling quite uneasy; when I came to the very turning that leads to the house, I came to a stop, and began to reason with myself; “What! must I stay here alone for two days without her? Well, and what then? It’s nothing at all. What? Nothing at all? Well now, if I haven’t the privilege of touching her, am I not even to have that of seeing her? If I may not do the one, at least I may the other. Surely to love at a distance89 even, is better than nothing at all.” I purposely passed the house. But how’s this, that Pythias is suddenly hurrying out in such a fright?
Stands apart.
Enter Pythias and Dorias in haste from the house of Thais.
Pyth. (aloud.) Where, wretch that I am, shall I find this wicked and impious fellow? Or where look for him? That he should dare to commit so audacious a crime as this! I’m ruined outright!
Phæd. (apart.) I dread what this may be.
Pyth. Besides, too, the villain, after he had abused the girl, rent all the poor thing’s clothes, and tore her hair as well.
Phæd. (apart, in surprise.) Ha!
Pyth. If he were just now in my reach, how eagerly would I fly at that villain’s eyes with my nails!
Phæd. (apart.) Really I can’t imagine what disturbance has happened to us at home in my absence. I’ll accost them. (Going up to them.) What’s the matter? Why in such haste? Or whom are you looking for, Pythias?
Pyth. Why, Phædria, whom should I be looking for? Away with you, as you deserve, with such fine presents of yours.
Phæd. What is the matter?
Pyth. What, do you ask? The Eunuch you gave us, what confusion he has caused. He has ravished the girl whom the Captain made present of to my mistress.
Phæd. What is it you say?
Pyth. I’m ruined outright!
Phæd. You are drunk.
Pyth. I wish that they were so, who wish ill to me.
Dorias. Oh, prithee, my dear Pythias, what a monstrous thing this is!
Phæd. You are out of your senses. How could a Eunuch possibly do this?
Pyth. I know nothing about him: as to what he has done, the thing speaks for itself. The girl is in tears; and when you ask her what’s the matter, she does not dare tell. But he, a precious fellow, is nowhere to be seen. To my sorrow I suspect too, that when he took himself off he carried something away from the house.
Phæd. I can not enough wonder, whither this varlet can possibly have betaken himself to any distance from here; unless perhaps he has returned home to our house.
Pyth. Pray, go and see whether he is there.
Phæd. I’ll let you know immediately.
Goes into the house of Laches.
Dorias. Ruined outright! Prithee, my dear, I never did so much as hear of a deed so abominable!
Pyth. Why, faith, I had heard that they were extremely fond of the women, but were incapable; unfortunately what has happened never came into my mind; otherwise I should have shut him up somewhere, and not have intrusted the girl to him.
Enter Phædria from the house of Laches, with Dorus in Chærea’s clothes.
Phæd. (dragging him out.) Come out, you villain! What, do you lag behind, you runaway? Out with you, you sorry bargain!
Dorus (crying out.) Mercy, I do entreat you!
Phæd. Oh, do look at that! How the villain distorts his face. What means your coming back hither? Why this change of dress? What have you to say? If I had delayed a moment, Pythias, I shouldn’t have found him at home: he had just prepared, in this fashion, for flight. (Pointing at his dress.)
Pyth. Have you caught the fellow, pray?
Phæd. Caught him, why not?
Pyth. O well done!
Dorias. Upon my faith that really is capital!
Pyth. Where is he?
Phæd. Do you ask the question? Don’t you see him? (Pointing to the Eunuch.)
Pyth. (staring about.) See whom, pray?
Phæd. This fellow, to be sure (pointing).
Pyth. What person is this?
Phæd. The same that was brought to your house to-day.
Pyth. Not one of our people has ever beheld this person with her eyes, Phædria.
Phæd. Not beheld him?
Pyth. Prithee, did you fancy that this was he who was brought to our house?
Phæd. Why, I had no other.
Pyth. O dear! this one really isn’t to be compared with the other. He was of a handsome and genteel appearance.
Phæd. He seemed so, just then, because he was decked out in party-colored clothes:90 now he appears ugly, for this reason—because he hasn’t got them on.
Pyth. Prithee, do hold your tongue; as though indeed the difference was so trifling. A young man was brought to our house to-day, whom, really, Phædria, you would have liked to look upon. This is a withered, antiquated, lethargic, old fellow, with a speckled complexion.91
Phæd. (starting.) Hah! What tale is this? You’ll so be-fool me that I sha’n’t know what I bought. (To Dorus.) How now, sirrah, did I not buy you?
Dorus. You did buy me.
Pyth. Bid him answer me in my turn.
Phæd. Question him.
Pyth. (to Dorus.) Did you come here to-day to our house? (Dorus shakes his head.) He says, no. But it was the other one that came, about sixteen years of age; whom Parmeno brought with him.
Phæd. (to Dorus.) Well now, in the first place tell me this, where did you get that dress that you have on? What, are you silent? Monster of a fellow, are you not going to speak (Shakes him.)
Dorus. Chærea came.
Phæd. What, my brother?
Dorus. Yes.
Phæd. When?
Dorus. To-day.
Phæd. How long since?
Dorus. Just now.
Phæd. With whom?
Dorus. With Parmeno.
Phæd. Did you know him before?
Dorus. No.
Phæd. How did you know he was my brother?
Dorus. Parmeno said he was. He gave me these clothes.
Phæd. I’m undone!
Dorus. He himself put on mine; afterward, they both went out together.
Pyth. Now are you quite satisfied that I am sober, and that we have told you no falsehood? Is it now sufficiently evident that the girl has been ravished?
Phæd. Avaunt, you beast, do you believe what he says?
Pyth. What is there to believe? The thing speaks for itself.
Phæd. (apart to Dorus.) Step aside a little this way. Do you hear? (Dorus steps aside.) A little further still. That will do. Now tell me this once more; did Chærea take your clothes off you?
Dorus. He did.
Phæd. And did he put them on?
Dorus. He did.
Phæd. And was he brought here instead of you?
Dorus. Yes.
Phæd. Great Jupiter! O wicked and audacious fellow!
Pyth. Woe unto me! Now at last will you believe that we have been insulted in a disgraceful manner?
Phæd. It is no wonder that you believe what the fellow says. (Aside.) What I’m to do I know not. (Aside to Dorus.) Hark you, deny it all again. (Aloud.) Can I not this day extract the truth from you? Did you really see my brother Chærea?
Dorus. No.
Phæd. He can’t be brought to confess without being punished, I see: follow me this way. At one moment he affirms, at another denies. (Aside.) Ask pardon of me.
Dorus. Indeed, I do entreat you, Phædria.
Phæd. (kicking him.) Be off in-doors.
Dorus. Oh! oh!
Phæd. (aside.) How in any other fashion to get decently out of this I don’t know; for really it’s all up with me. (Aloud, with pretended indignation.) Will you be trifling with me even here, you knave?
Follows Dorus into the house.
Pythias and Dorias.
Pyth. I’m as certain that this is the contrivance of Parmeno as that I’m alive.
Dorias. So it is, no doubt.
Pyth. I’faith, I’ll find out a method to-day to be even with him. But now, what do you think ought to be done, Dorias?
Dorias. Do you mean with regard to this girl?
Pyth. Yes; whether I ought to mention it or be silent?
Dorias. Upon my word, if you are prudent, you won’t know what you do know, either about the Eunuch or the girl’s misfortune. By this method you’ll both rid yourself of all perplexity, and have done a service to her.92 Say this only, that Dorus has run away.
Pyth. I’ll do so.
Dorias. But don’t I see Chremes? Thais will be here just now.
Pyth. Why so?
Dorias. Because when I came away from there, a quarrel had just commenced between them.
Pyth. Take in these golden trinkets; I shall learn from him what’s the matter.
Dorias takes the casket into the house.
Enter Chremes, somewhat drunk.
Chrem. Heyday! upon my faith, I’ve been bamboozled: the wine that I’ve drunk has got the upper hand. But, so long as I was reclining, how extremely sober I did seem to myself to be; when I got up, neither feet nor senses were quite equal to their duty.
Pyth. Chremes!
Chrem. (turning round.) Who’s that? What, Pythias; dear me, how much more charming you now seem to me than a short time since!
Pyth. Troth now, you are much more merry, that’s certain.
Chrem. Upon my faith, it is a true saying, that “Venus grows cold without Ceres and Bacchus.” But has Thais got here long before me?
Pyth. Has she already come away from the Captain’s?
Chrem. A long time ago; an age since. There has been a most violent quarrel between them.
Pyth. Did she say nothing about you following her?
Chrem. Nothing at all; only, on going away, she gave me a nod.
Pyth. Well now, wasn’t that enough?
Chrem. Why, I didn’t know that she meant that, until the Captain gave me an explanation, because I was dull of comprehension; for he bundled me out of the house. But look, here she is; I wonder how it was I got here before her.
Enter Thais.
Thais. (to herself.) I really do believe that he’ll be here presently, to force her away from me. Let him come; but if he touches her with a single finger, that instant his eyes shall be torn out. I can put up with his impertinences and his high-sounding words, as long as they remain words: but if they are turned into realities, he shall get a drubbing.
Chrem. Thais, I’ve been here some time.
Thais. O my dear Chremes, you are the very person I was wanting. Are you aware that this quarrel took place on your account, and that the whole of this affair, in fact, bore reference to yourself?
Chrem. To me? How so, pray?
Thais. Because, while I’ve been doing my best to recover and restore your sister to you, this and a great deal more like it I’ve had to put up with.
Chrem. Where is she?
Thais. At home, at my house.
Chrem. (starting.) Hah!
Thais. What’s the matter? She has been brought up in a manner worthy of yourself and of her.
Chrem. What is it you say?
Thais. That which is the fact. Her I present to you, nor do I ask of you any return for her.
Chrem. Thanks are both felt and shall be returned in such way, Thais, as you deserve.
Thais. But still, take care, Chremes, that you don’t lose her, before you receive her from me; for it is she, whom the Captain is now coming to take away from me by force. Do you go, Pythias, and bring out of the house the casket with the tokens.93
Chrem. (looking down the side Scene.) Don’t you see him, Thais?
Pyth. (to Thais.) Where is it put?
Thais. In the clothes’ chest. Tiresome creature, why do you delay?
Pythias goes into the house.
Chrem. What a large body of troops the Captain is bringing with him against you. Bless me!
Thais. Prithee, are you frightened, my dear sir?
Chrem. Get out with you. What, I frightened? There’s not a man alive less so.
Thais. Then now is the time to prove it.
Chrem. Why, I wonder what sort of a man you take me to be.
Thais. Nay, and consider this too; the person that you have to deal with is a foreigner;94 of less influence than you, less known, and one that has fewer friends here.
Chrem. I’m aware of that; but it’s foolish to run the risk of what you are able to avoid. I had rather we should prevent it, than, having received an injury, avenge ourselves upon him. Do you go in and fasten the door, while I run across hence to the Forum; I should like us to have the aid of some legal adviser in this disturbance. (Moves, as if going.)
Thais. (holding him.) Stay.
Chrem. Let me go, I’ll be here presently.
Thais. There’s no occasion, Chremes. Only say that she is your sister, and that you lost her when a little girl, and have now recognized her; then show the tokens.
Re-enter Pythias from the house, with the trinkets.
Pyth. (giving them to Thais.) Here they are.
Thais. (giving them to Chremes.) Take them. If he offers any violence, summon the fellow to justice; do you understand me?
Chrem. Perfectly.
Thais. Take care and say this with presence of mind.
Chrem. I’ll take care.
Thais. Gather up your cloak. (Aside.) Undone! the very person whom I’ve provided as a champion, wants one himself.
They all go into the house.
Enter Thraso, followed by Gnatho, Sanga, and other Attendants.
Thra. Am I to submit, Gnatho, to such a glaring affront as this being put upon me? I’d die sooner. Simalio, Donax, Syriscus, follow me! First, I’ll storm the house.
Gna. Quite right.
Thra. I’ll carry off the girl.
Gna. Very good.
Thra. I’ll give her own self a mauling.
Gna. Very proper.
Thra. (arranging the men.) Advance hither to the main body, Donax, with your crowbar; you, Simalio, to the left wing; you, Syriscus, to the right. Bring up the rest; where’s the centurion Sanga, and his maniple95 of rogues?
San. (coming forward.) See, here he is.
Thra. What, you booby, do you think of fighting with a dish-clout,96 to be bringing that here?
San. What, I? I knew the valor of the general, and the prowess of the soldiers; and that this could not possibly go on without bloodshed; how was I to wipe the wounds?
Thra. Where are the others?
San. Plague on you, what others? Sannio is the only one left on guard at home.
Thra. (to Gnatho.) Do you draw up your men in battle order; I’ll be behind the second rank;97 from that position I’ll give the word to all.
Takes his place behind the second rank.
Gna. (aside.) That’s showing prudence; as soon as he has drawn them up, he secures a retreat for himself.
Thra. (pointing to the arrangements.) This is just the way Pyrrhus used to proceed.98
Chremes and Thais appear above at a window.
Chrem. Do you see, Thais, what plan he is upon? Assuredly, that advice of mine about closing the door was good.
Thais. He who now seems to you to be a hero, is in reality a mere vaporer; don’t be alarmed.
Thra. (to Gnatho.) What seems best to you?
Gna. I could very much99 like a sling to be given you just now, that you might pelt them from here on the sly at a distance; they would be taking to flight.
Thra. (to Gnatho.) But look (pointing), I see Thais there herself.
Gna. How soon are we to fall to?
Thra. Hold (holding him back); it behooves a prudent person to make trial of every thing before arms. How do you know but that she may do what I bid her without compulsion?
Gna. Ye Gods, by our trust in you, what a thing it is to be wise! I never come near you but what I go away from you the wiser.
Thra. Thais, in the first place, answer me this. When I presented you that girl, did you not say that you would give yourself up to me alone for some days to come?
Thais. Well, what then?
Thra. Do you ask the question? You, who have been and brought your lover under my very eyes? What business had you with him? With him, too, you clandestinely betook yourself away from me.
Thais. I chose to do so.
Thra. Then give me back Pamphila; unless you had rather she were taken away by force.
Chrem. Give her back to you, or you lay hands upon her? Of all the—
Gna. Ha! What are you about? Hold your tongue.
Thra. What do you mean? Am I not to touch my own?
Chrem. Your own, indeed, you gallows-bird!100
Gna. (to Chremes.) Have a care, if you please. You don’t know what kind of man you are abusing now.
Chrem. (to Gnatho.) Won’t you be off from here? Do you know how matters stand with you? If you cause any disturbance here to-day, I’ll make you remember the place, and day, and me too, for the rest of your life.
Gna. I pity you, who are making so great a man as this your enemy.
Chrem. I’ll break your head this instant if you are not off.
Gna. Do you really say so, puppy? Is it that you are at?
Thra. (to Chremes.) What fellow are you? What do you mean? What business have you with her?
Chrem. I’ll let you know: in the first place, I assert that she is a freeborn woman.
Thra. (starting.) Ha!
Chrem. A citizen of Attica.
Thra. Whew!
Chrem. My own sister.
Thra. Brazen face!
Chrem. Now, therefore, Captain, I give you warning; don’t you use any violence toward her. Thais, I’m going to Sophrona, the nurse, that I may bring her here and show her these tokens.
Thra. What! Are you to prevent me from touching what’s my own?
Chrem. I will prevent it, I tell you.
Gna. (to Thraso.) Do you hear him? He is convicting himself of theft. Is not that enough for you?
Thra. Do you say the same, Thais?
Thais. Go, find some one to answer you.
She and Chremes go away from the window.
Thra. (to Gnatho.) What are we to do now?
Gna. Why, go back again: she’ll soon be with you, of her own accord, to entreat forgiveness.
Thra. Do you think so?
Gna. Certainly, yes. I know the disposition of women: when you will, they won’t; when you won’t, they set their hearts upon you of their own inclination.
Thra. You judge right.
Gna. Shall I dismiss the army then?
Thra. Whenever you like.
Gna. Sanga, as befits gallant soldiers,101 take care in your turn to remember your homes and hearths.
San. My thoughts have been for some time among the sauce-pans.
Gna. You are a worthy fellow.
Thra. (putting himself at their head.) You follow me this way.
Exeunt omnes.
Enter Thais from her house, followed by Pythias.
Thais. What! do you persist, hussy, in talking ambiguously to me? “I do know;” “I don’t know;” “he has gone off;” “I have heard;” “I wasn’t there.” Don’t you mean to tell me plainly, whatever it is? The girl in tears, with her garments torn, is mute; the Eunuch is off: for what reason? What has happened? Won’t you speak?
Pyth. Wretch that I am, what am I to say to you? They declare that he was not a Eunuch.
Thais. What was he then?
Pyth. That Chærea.
Thais. What Chærea?
Pyth. That stripling, the brother of Phædria.
Thais. What’s that you say, you hag?
Pyth. And I am satisfied of it.
Thais. Pray, what business had he at my house? What brought him there?
Pyth. I don’t know; unless, as I suppose, he was in love with Pamphila.
Thais. Alas! to my confusion, unhappy woman that I am, I’m undone, if what you tell me is true. Is it about this that the girl is crying?
Pyth. I believe so.
Thais. How say you, you arch-jade? Did I not warn you about this very thing, when I was going away from here?
Pyth. What could I do? Just as you ordered, she was intrusted to his care only.
Thais. Hussy, I’ve been intrusting the sheep to the wolf. I’m quite ashamed to have been imposed upon in this way. What sort of man was he?
Pyth. Hush! hush! mistress, pray; we are all right. Here we have the very man.
Thais. Where is he?
Pyth. Why there, to the left. Don’t you see?
Thais. I see.
Pyth. Order him to be seized as quickly as possible.
Thais. What can we do to him, simpleton?
Pyth. What do to him, do you ask? Pray, do look at him; if his face doesn’t seem an impudent one.
Thais. Not at all.
Pyth. Besides, what effrontery he has.
Enter Chærea, in the Eunuch’s dress, on the other side of the stage.
Chæ. (to himself.) At Antipho’s,102 both of them, father and mother, just as if on purpose, were at home, so that I couldn’t any way get in, but that they must have seen me. In the mean time, while I was standing before the door, a certain acquaintance of mine was coming full upon me. When I espied him, I took to my heels as fast as I could down a narrow unfrequented alley; thence again to another, and thence to another; thus have I been most dreadfully harassed with running about, that no one might recognize me. But isn’t this Thais that I see? It is she. I’m at a stand. What shall I do? But what need I care? What can she do to me?
Thais, (to Pythias.) Let’s accost him. (To Chærea.) Good Mister Dorus, welcome; tell me, have you been running away?
Chæ. Madam, I did so.
Thais. Are you quite pleased with it?
Chæ. No.
Thais. Do you fancy that you’ll get off with impunity?
Chæ. Forgive this one fault; if I’m ever guilty of another, then kill me.
Thais. Were you in fear of my severity?
Chæ. No.
Thais. No? What then?
Chæ. (pointing at Pythias.) I was afraid of her, lest she might be accusing me to you.
Thais. What had you done?
Chæ. A mere trifle.
Pyth. Come now, a trifle, you impudent fellow. Does this appear a trifle to you, to ravish a virgin, a citizen?
Chæ. I took her for my fellow-servant.
Pyth. Fellow-servant? I can hardly restrain myself from flying at his hair. A miscreant! Even of his own free will he comes to make fun of us.
Thais, (to Pythias.) Won’t you begone from here, you mad woman?
Pyth. Why so? Really, I do believe I should be something in this hang-dog’s debt, if I were to do so; especially as he owns that he is your servant.
Thais. We’ll pass that by. Chærea, you have behaved unworthily of yourself; for if I am deserving in the highest degree of this affront, still it is unbecoming of you to be guilty of it. And, upon my faith, I do not know what method now to adopt about this girl: you have so confounded all my plans, that I can not possibly return her to her friends in such a manner as is befitting and as I had intended; in order that, by this means, I might, Chærea, do a real service to myself.
Chæ. But now, from henceforth, I hope, Thais, that there will be lasting good-will between us. Many a time, from some affair of this kind and from a bad beginning, great friendships have sprung up. What if some Divinity has willed this?
Thais. I’faith, for my own part I both take it in that view and wish to do so.
Chæ. Yes, prithee, do so. Be sure of this one thing, that I did not do it for the sake of affronting you, but in consequence of passion.
Thais. I understand, and, i’faith, for that reason do I now the more readily forgive you. I am not, Chærea, of a disposition so ungentle, or so inexperienced, as not to know what is the power of love.
Chæ. So may the Deities kindly bless me, Thais; I am now smitten with you as well.
Pyth. Then, i’faith, mistress, I foresee you must have a care of him.
Chæ. I would not dare—
Pyth. I won’t trust you at all in any thing.
Thais, (to Pythias.) Do have done.
Chæ. Now I entreat you that you will be my assistant in this affair. I intrust and commit myself to your care; I take you, Thais, as my protectress; I implore you; I shall die if I don’t have her for my wife.
Thais. But if your father should say any thing—
Chæ. Oh, he’ll consent, I’m quite sure of that, if she is only a citizen.
Thais. If you will wait a little, the brother himself of the young woman will be here presently; he has gone to fetch the nurse, who brought her up when a little child; you yourself, shall be present Chærea, at his recognition of her.
Chæ. I certainly will stay.
Thais. In the mean time, until he comes, would you prefer that we should wait for him in the house, rather than here before the door?
Chæ. Why yes, I should like it much.
Pyth. (to Thais.) Prithee, what are you going to do?
Thais. Why, what’s the matter?
Pyth. Do you ask? Do you think of admitting him after this into your house?
Thais. Why not?
Pyth. Trust my word for it, he’ll be creating some new disturbance.
Thais. O dear, prithee, do hold your tongue.
Pyth. You seem to me to be far from sensible of his assurance.
Chæ. I’ll not do any thing, Pythias.
Pyth. Upon my faith, I don’t believe you, Chærea, except in case you are not trusted.
Chæ. Nay but, Pythias, do you be my keeper.
Pyth. Upon my faith, I would neither venture to give any thing to you to keep, nor to keep you myself: away with you!
Thais. Most opportunely the brother himself is coming.
Chæ. I’faith, I’m undone. Prithee, let’s be gone in-doors, Thais. I don’t want him to see me in the street with this dress on.
Thais. For what reason, pray? Because you are ashamed?
Chæ. Just so.
Pyth. Just so? But the young woman——
Thais. Go first; I’ll follow. You stay here, Pythias, that you may show Chremes in.
Thais and Chærea go into the house.
Enter Chremes and Sophrona.
Pyth. (to herself.) Well! what now can suggest itself to my mind? What, I wonder, in order that I may repay the favor to that villain who palmed this fellow off upon us?
Chrem. Really, do bestir yourself more quickly, nurse.
Soph. I am bestirring.
Chrem. So I see; but you don’t stir forward.
Pyth. (to Chremes.) Have you yet shown the tokens to the nurse?
Chrem. All of them.
Pyth. Prithee, what does she say? Does she recognize them?
Chrem. Yes, with a full recollection of them.
Pyth. Upon my faith, you do bring good news; for I really wish well to this young woman. Go in-doors: my mistress has been for some time expecting you at home. (Chremes and Sophrona go into Thais’s house.) But look, yonder I espy that worthy fellow, Parmeno, coming: just see, for heaven’s sake, how leisurely he moves along. I hope I have it in my power to torment him after my own fashion. I’ll go in-doors, that I may know for certain about the discovery; afterward I’ll come out, and give this villain a terrible fright.
Goes into the house.
Enter Parmeno.
Par. (to himself.) I’ve just come back to see what Chærea has been doing here. If he has managed the affair with dexterity, ye Gods, by our trust in you, how great and genuine applause will Parmeno obtain! For not to mention that a passion, full of difficulty and expense, with which he was smitten for a virgin, belonging to an extortionate courtesan, I’ve found means of satisfying for him, without molestation, without outlay, and without cost; then, this other point—that is really a thing that I consider my crowning merit, to have found out the way by which a young man may be enabled to learn the dispositions and manners of courtesans, so that by knowing them betimes, he may detest them ever after. (Pythias enters from the house unperceived.) For while they are out of doors, nothing seems more cleanly, nothing more neat or more elegant; and when they dine with a gallant, they pick daintily about:103 to see the filth, the dirtiness, the neediness of these women; how sluttish they are when at home, and how greedy after victuals; in what a fashion they devour the black bread with yesterday’s broth:—to know all this, is salvation to a young man.
Enter Pythias from the house.
Pyth. (apart, unseen by Parmeno.) Upon my faith, you villain, I’ll take vengeance upon you for these sayings and doings; so that you sha’n’t make sport of us with impunity. (Aloud, coming forward.) O, by our trust in the Gods, what a disgraceful action! O hapless young man! O wicked Parmeno, to have brought him here!
Par. What’s the matter?
Pyth. I do pity him; and so that I mightn’t see it, wretched creature that I am, I hurried away out of doors. What a dreadful example they talk of making him!
Par. O Jupiter! What is this tumult? Am I then undone? I’ll accost her. What’s all this, Pythias? What are you saying? An example made of whom?
Pyth. Do you ask the question, you most audacious fellow? You’ve proved the ruin of the young man whom you brought hither for the Eunuch, while you were trying to put a trick upon us.
Par. How so, or what has happened? Tell me.
Pyth. I’ll tell you: that young woman who was to-day made a present to Thais, are you aware that she is a citizen of this place, and that her brother is a person of very high rank?
Par. I didn’t know that.
Pyth. But so she has been discovered to be; he, unfortunate youth, has ravished her. When the brother came to know of this being done, in a most towering rage, he——
Par. Did what, pray?
Pyth. First, bound him in a shocking manner.
Par. Bound him?
Pyth. And even though Thais entreated him that he wouldn’t do so——
Par. What is it you tell me?
Pyth. Now he is threatening that he will also do that which is usually done to ravishers; a thing that I never saw done, nor wish to.
Par. With what assurance does he dare perpetrate a crime so heinous?
Pyth. How “so heinous?”
Par. Is it not most heinous? Who ever saw any one taken up as a ravisher in a courtesan’s house?
Pyth. I don’t know.
Par. But that you mayn’t be ignorant of this, Pythias, I tell you, and give you notice that he is my master’s son.
Pyth. How! Prithee, is it he?
Par. Don’t let Thais suffer any violence to be done to him. But why don’t I go in myself?
Pyth. Take care, Parmeno, what you are about, lest you both do him no good and come to harm yourself; for it is their notion, that whatever has happened, has originated in you.
Par. What then, wretch that I am, shall I do, or how resolve? But look, I see the old gentleman returning from the country; shall I tell him or shall I not? By my troth, I will tell him; although I am certain that a heavy punishment is in readiness for me; but it’s a matter of necessity, in order that he may rescue him.
Pyth. You are wise. I’m going in-doors; do you relate to him every thing exactly as it happened.
Goes into the house.
Enter Laches.
Lach. (to himself.) I have this advantage104 from my country-house being so near at hand; no weariness, either of country or of town, ever takes possession of me; when satiety begins to come on, I change my locality. But is not that our Parmeno? Surely it is he. Whom are you waiting for, Parmeno, before the door here?
Par. (pretends not to see him.) Who is it? (Turning round.) Oh, I’m glad that you have returned safe.
Lach. Whom are you waiting for?
Par. (aside.) I’m undone: my tongue cleaves to my mouth through fright.
Lach. Why, what is it you are trembling about? Is all quite right? Tell me.
Par. Master, in the first place, I would have you persuaded of what is the fact; whatever has happened in this affair has happened through no fault of mine.
Lach. What is it?
Par. Really you have reason to ask. I ought first to have told you the circumstances. Phædria purchased a certain Eunuch, to make a present of to this woman here.
Lach. To what woman?
Par. To Thais.
Lach. Bought? Good heavens, I’m undone! For how much?
Par. Twenty minæ.
Lach. Done for, quite.
Par. Then, Chærea is in love with a certain music-girl here. (Pointing to Thais’s house.)
Lach. How! What? In love? Does he know already what a courtesan means? Is he come to town? One misfortune close upon another.
Par. Master, don’t look so at me; he didn’t do these things by my encouragement.
Lach. Leave off talking about yourself. If I live, you hang-dog, I’ll——But first give me an account of it, whatever it is.
Par. He was taken to the house of Thais in place of the Eunuch.
Lach. In place of the Eunuch?
Par. Such is the fact. They have since apprehended him in the house as a ravisher, and bound him.
Lach. Death!
Par. Mark the assurance of courtesans.
Lach. Is there any other calamity or misfortune besides, that you have not told me of?
Par. That’s all.
Lach. Do I delay rushing in here?
Runs into the house of Thais.