APPENDIX OF EPIGRAMS, etc.

NOTE.

Herrick's coarser epigrams and poems are included
in this Appendix. A few decent, but somewhat
pointless, epigrams have been added.

APPENDIX OF EPIGRAMS.

5. [TO HIS BOOK.] ANOTHER.

Who with thy leaves shall wipe, at need,
 The place where swelling piles do breed;
 May every ill that bites or smarts
 Perplex him in his hinder parts.

6. TO THE SOUR READER.

If thou dislik'st the piece thou light'st on first,
 Think that of all, that I have writ, the worst:
 But if thou read'st my book unto the end,
 And still do'st this and that verse, reprehend;
 O perverse man! if all disgustful be,
 The extreme scab take thee, and thine, for me.

41. THE VINE.

I dreamt this mortal part of mine
 Was metamorphos'd to a vine;
 Which crawling one and every way
 Enthrall'd my dainty Lucia.
 Methought, her long small legs and thighs
 I with my tendrils did surprise;
 Her belly, buttocks, and her waist
 By my soft nerv'lets were embrac'd;
} About her head I writhing hung,
 And with rich clusters, hid among
 The leaves, her temples I behung:
 So that my Lucia seem'd to me
 Young Bacchus ravish'd by his tree.
 My curls about her neck did crawl,
 And arms and hands they did enthrall:
 So that she could not freely stir,
 All parts there made one prisoner.
 But when I crept with leaves to hide
 Those parts, which maids keep unespy'd,
 Such fleeting pleasures there I took,
 That with the fancy I awoke;
 And found, ah me! this flesh of mine
 More like a stock than like a vine.

64. ONCE POOR, STILL PENURIOUS.

Goes the world now, it will with thee go hard:
 The fattest hogs we grease the more with lard.
 To him that has, there shall be added more;
 Who is penurious, he shall still be poor.

99. UPON BLANCH.

Blanch swears her husband's lovely; when a scald
 Has blear'd his eyes: besides, his head is bald
 Next, his wild ears, like leathern wings full spread,
 Flutter to fly, and bear away his head.

109. UPON CUFFE. EPIG.

Cuffe comes to church much: but he keeps his bed
 Those Sundays only whenas briefs are read.
 This makes Cuffe dull; and troubles him the most,
 Because he cannot sleep i' th' church free cost.

Briefs.—Letters recommending the collection of alms.

110. UPON FONE A SCHOOLMASTER. EPIG.

Fone says, those mighty whiskers he does wear
 Are twigs of birch, and willow, growing there:
 If so, we'll think too, when he does condemn
 Boys to the lash, that he does whip with them.

126. UPON SCOBBLE. EPIG.

Scobble for whoredom whips his wife; and cries
 He'll slit her nose; but blubb'ring, she replies,
 Good sir, make no more cuts i' th' outward skin,
 One slit's enough to let adultry in.

129. UPON GLASCO. EPIG.

Glasco had none, but now some teeth has got;
 Which though they fur, will neither ache or rot.
 Six teeth he has, whereof twice two are known
 Made of a haft that was a mutton bone.
 Which not for use, but merely for the sight,
 He wears all day, and draws those teeth at night.

131. THE CUSTARD.

For second course, last night, a custard came
 To th' board, so hot as none could touch the same:
 Furze three or four times with his cheeks did blow
 Upon the custard, and thus cooled so;
 It seem'd by this time to admit the touch,
 But none could eat it, 'cause it stunk so much.

135. UPON GRYLL.

Gryll eats, but ne'er says grace; to speak the truth,
 Gryll either keeps his breath to cool his broth,
 Or else, because Gryll's roast does burn his spit,
 Gryll will not therefore say a grace for it.

148. UPON STRUT.

Strut, once a foreman of a shop we knew;
 But turn'd a ladies' usher now, 'tis true:
 Tell me, has Strut got e're a title more?
 No; he's but foreman, as he was before.

163. UPON JOLLY'S WIFE.

First, Jolly's wife is lame; then next loose-hipp'd:
 Squint-ey'd, hook-nos'd; and lastly, kidney-lipp'd.

171. UPON PAGGET.

Pagget, a schoolboy, got a sword, and then
 He vow'd destruction both to birch and men:
 Who would not think this younker fierce to fight?
 Yet coming home, but somewhat late (last night),
 Untruss, his master bade him; and that word
 Made him take up his shirt, lay down his sword.

183. UPON PRIG.

Prig now drinks water, who before drank beer;
 What's now the cause? we know the case is clear;
 Look in Prig's purse, the chev'ril there tells you
 Prig money wants, either to buy or brew.

Chevril, kid.

184. UPON BATT.

Batt he gets children, not for love to rear 'em;
 But out of hope his wife might die to bear 'em.

188. UPON MUCH-MORE. EPIG.

Much-more provides and hoards up like an ant,
 Yet Much-more still complains he is in want.
 Let Much-more justly pay his tithes; then try
 How both his meal and oil will multiply.

199. UPON LUGGS. EPIG.

Luggs, by the condemnation of the Bench,
 Was lately whipt for lying with a wench.
 Thus pains and pleasures turn by turn succeed:
 He smarts at last who does not first take heed.

200. UPON GUBBS. EPIG.

Gubbs calls his children kitlings: and would bound,
 Some say, for joy, to see those kitlings drown'd.

206. UPON BUNCE. EPIG.

Money thou ow'st me; prethee fix a day
 For payment promis'd, though thou never pay:
 Let it be Dooms-day; nay, take longer scope;
 Pay when th'art honest; let me have some hope.

221. GREAT BOAST SMALL ROAST.

Of flanks and chines of beef doth Gorrell boast
 He has at home; but who tastes boil'd or roast?
 Look in his brine-tub, and you shall find there
 Two stiff blue pigs'-feet and a sow's cleft ear.

222. UPON A BLEAR-EY'D WOMAN.

Wither'd with years, and bed-rid Mumma lies;
 Dry-roasted all, but raw yet in her eyes.

233. NO LOCK AGAINST LETCHERY.

Bar close as you can, and bolt fast too your door,
 To keep out the letcher, and keep in the whore;
 Yet quickly you'll see by the turn of a pin,
 The whore to come out, or the letcher come in.

237. UPON SUDDS, A LAUNDRESS.

Sudds launders bands in piss, and starches them
 Both with her husband's and her own tough fleam.

239. UPON GUESS. EPIG.

Guess cuts his shoes, and limping, goes about
 To have men think he's troubled with the gout;
 But 'tis no gout, believe it, but hard beer,
 Whose acrimonious humour bites him here.

242. UPON A CROOKED MAID.

Crooked you are, but that dislikes not me:
 So you be straight where virgins straight should be.

261. UPON GROYNES. EPIG.

Groynes, for his fleshly burglary of late,
 Stood in the holy forum candidate;
 The word is Roman; but in English known:
 Penance, and standing so, are both but one.

Candidate, clothed in white.

272. UPON PINK, AN ILL-FAC'D PAINTER. EPIG.

To paint the fiend, Pink would the devil see;
 And so he may, if he'll be rul'd by me;
 Let but Pink's face i' th' looking-glass be shown,
 And Pink may paint the devil's by his own.

273. UPON BROCK. EPIG.

To cleanse his eyes, Tom Brock makes much ado,
 But not his mouth, the fouler of the two.
 A clammy rheum makes loathsome both his eyes:
 His mouth, worse furr'd with oaths and blasphemies.

277. LAUGH AND LIE DOWN.

Y'ave laughed enough, sweet, vary now your text!
 And laugh no more; or laugh, and lie down next.

292. UPON SHARK. EPIG.

Shark, when he goes to any public feast,
 Eats to one's thinking, of all there, the least.
 What saves the master of the house thereby
 When if the servants search, they may descry
 In his wide codpiece, dinner being done,
 Two napkins cramm'd up, and a silver spoon?

305. UPON BUNGY.

Bungy does fast; looks pale; puts sackcloth on;
 Not out of conscience, or religion:
 Or that this younker keeps so strict a Lent,
 Fearing to break the king's commandement:
 But being poor, and knowing flesh is dear,
 He keeps not one, but many Lents i' th' year.

311. UPON SNEAPE. EPIG.

Sneape has a face so brittle, that it breaks
 Forth into blushes whensoe'er he speaks.

315. UPON LEECH.

Leech boasts, he has a pill, that can alone
 With speed give sick men their salvation:
 'Tis strange, his father long time has been ill,
 And credits physic, yet not trusts his pill:
 And why? he knows he must of cure despair,
 Who makes the sly physician his heir.

317. TO A MAID.

You say, you love me! that I thus must prove:
 It that you lie, then I will swear you love.

326. UPON GREEDY. EPIG.

An old, old widow Greedy needs would wed,
 Not for affection to her or her bed;
 But in regard, 'twas often said, this old
 Woman would bring him more than could be told.
 He took her; now the jest in this appears,
 So old she was, that none could tell her years.

357. LONG AND LAZY.

That was the proverb. Let my mistress be
 Lazy to others, but be long to me.

358. UPON RALPH. EPIG.

Curse not the mice, no grist of thine they eat;
 But curse thy children, they consume thy wheat.

361. UPON MEASE. EPIG.

Mease brags of pullets which he eats: but Mease
 Ne'er yet set tooth in stump or rump of these.

363. UPON PASKE, A DRAPER.

Paske, though his debt be due upon the day
 Demands no money by a craving way;
 For why, says he, all debts and their arrears
 Have reference to the shoulders, not the ears.

368. UPON PRIGG.

Prigg, when he comes to houses, oft doth use,
 Rather than fail, to steal from thence old shoes:
 Sound or unsound be they, or rent or whole,
 Prigg bears away the body and the sole.

369. UPON MOON.

Moon is a usurer, whose gain,
 Seldom or never knows a wain,
 Only Moon's conscience, we confess,
 That ebbs from pity less and less.

372. UPON SHIFT.

Shift now has cast his clothes: got all things new;
 Save but his hat, and that he cannot mew.

Mew, change feathers.

373. UPON CUTS.

If wounds in clothes Cuts calls his rags, 'tis clear
 His linings are the matter running there.

374. GAIN AND GETTINGS.

When others gain much by the present cast,
 The cobblers' getting time is at the last.

379. UPON DOLL. EPIG.

Doll, she so soon began the wanton trade,
 She ne'er remembers that she was a maid.

380. UPON SKREW. EPIG.

Skrew lives by shifts; yet swears by no small oaths
 For all his shifts he cannot shift his clothes.

381. UPON LINNET. EPIG.

Linnet plays rarely on the lute, we know;
 And sweetly sings, but yet his breath says no.

385. UPON GLASS. EPIG.

Glass, out of deep, and out of desp'rate want,
 Turn'd from a Papist here a Predicant.
 A vicarage at last Tom Glass got here,
 Just upon five and thirty pounds a year.
 Add to that thirty-five but five pounds more,
 He'll turn a Papist, ranker than before.

398. UPON EELES. EPIG.

Eeles winds and turns, and cheats and steals; yet Eeles
 Driving these sharking trades, is out at heels.

400. UPON RASP. EPIG.

Rasp plays at nine-holes; and 'tis known he gets
 Many a tester by his game and bets:
 But of his gettings there's but little sign;
 When one hole wastes more than he gets by nine.

401. UPON CENTER, A SPECTACLE-MAKER WITH A
FLAT NOSE.

Center is known weak-sighted, and he sells
 To others store of helpful spectacles.
 Why wears he none? Because we may suppose,
 Where leaven wants, there level lies the nose.

410. UPON SKINNS. EPIG.

Skinns, he dined well to-day: how do you think?
 His nails they were his meat, his rheum the drink.

411. UPON PIEVISH. EPIG.

Pievish doth boast that he's the very first
 Of English poets, and 'tis thought the worst.

412. UPON JOLLY AND JILLY. EPIG.

Jolly and Jilly bite and scratch all day,
 But yet get children (as the neighbours say).
 The reason is: though all the day they fight,
 They cling and close some minutes of the night.

419. UPON PATRICK, A FOOTMAN. EPIG.

Now Patrick with his footmanship has done,
 His eyes and ears strive which should fastest run.

420. UPON BRIDGET. EPIG.

Of four teeth only Bridget was possest;
 Two she spat out, a cough forced out the rest.

424. UPON FLIMSEY. EPIG.

Why walks Nick Flimsey like a malcontent!
 Is it because his money all is spent?
 No, but because the dingthrift now is poor,
 And knows not where i' th' world to borrow more.

425. UPON SHEWBREAD. EPIG.

Last night thou didst invite me home to eat;
 And showed me there much plate, but little meat.
 Prithee, when next thou do'st invite, bar state,
 And give me meat, or give me else thy plate.

428. UPON ROOTS. EPIG.

Roots had no money; yet he went o' the score,
 For a wrought purse; can any tell wherefore?
 Say, what should Roots do with a purse in print,
 That had not gold nor silver to put in't?

429. UPON CRAW.

Craw cracks in sirrop; and does stinking say,
 Who can hold that, my friends, that will away?

430. OBSERVATION.

Who to the north, or south, doth set
 His bed, male children shall beget.

433. PUTREFACTION.

Putrefaction is the end
 Of all that nature doth intend.

434. PASSION.

Were there not a matter known,
 There would be no passion.

435. JACK AND JILL.

Since Jack and Jill both wicked be;
 It seems a wonder unto me,
 That they, no better do agree.

436. UPON PARSON BEANES.

Old Parson Beanes hunts six days of the week,
 And on the seventh, he has his notes to seek.
 Six days he hollows so much breath away,
 That on the seventh, he can nor preach or pray.

438. SHORT AND LONG BOTH LIKES.

This lady's short, that mistress she is tall;
 But long or short, I'm well content with all.

440. UPON ROOK. EPIG.

Rook he sells feathers, yet he still doth cry
 Fie on this pride, this female vanity.
 Thus, though the Rook does rail against the sin,
 He loves the gain that vanity brings in.

456. UPON SPUNGE. EPIG.

Spunge makes his boasts that he's the only man
 Can hold of beer and ale an ocean;
 Is this his glory? then his triumph's poor;
 I know the tun of Heidleberg holds more.

464. UPON ONE WHO SAID SHE WAS ALWAYS
YOUNG.

You say you're young; but when your teeth are told
 To be but three, black-ey'd, we'll think you old.

465. UPON HUNCKS. EPIG.

Huncks has no money, he does swear or say,
 About him, when the tavern's shot's to pay.
 If he has none in 's pockets, trust me, Huncks
 Has none at home in coffers, desks, or trunks.

476. UPON A CHEAP LAUNDRESS. EPIG.

Feacie, some say, doth wash her clothes i' th' lie
 That sharply trickles from her either eye.
 The laundresses, they envy her good-luck,
 Who can with so small charges drive the buck.
 What needs she fire and ashes to consume,
 Who can scour linens with her own salt rheum?

Drive the buck, wash clothes.

482. UPON SKURF.

Skurf by his nine-bones swears, and well he may:
 All know a fellon eat the tenth away.

Fellon, whitlow.

500. UPON JACK AND JILL. EPIG.

When Jill complains to Jack for want of meat,
 Jack kisses Jill and bids her freely eat:
 Jill says, Of what? says Jack, On that sweet kiss,
 Which full of nectar and ambrosia is,
 The food of poets. So I thought, says Jill,
 That makes them look so lank, so ghost-like still.
 Let poets feed on air, or what they will;
 Let me feed full, till that I fart, says Jill.

503. UPON PARRAT.

Parrat protests 'tis he, and only he
 Can teach a man the art of memory:
 Believe him not; for he forgot it quite,
 Being drunk, who 'twas that can'd his ribs last night.

514. KISSING AND BUSSING.

Kissing and bussing differ both in this;
 We buss our wantons, but our wives we kiss.

520. UPON MAGGOT, A FREQUENTER OF ORDINARIES.

Maggot frequents those houses of good-cheer,
 Talks most, eats most, of all the feeders there.
 He raves through lean, he rages through the fat,
 (What gets the master of the meal by that?)
 He who with talking can devour so much,
 How would he eat, were not his hindrance such?

533. ON JOAN.

Joan would go tell her hairs; and well she might,
 Having but seven in all: three black, four white.

534. UPON LETCHER. EPIG.

Letcher was carted first about the streets,
 For false position in his neighbour's sheets:
 Next, hanged for thieving: now the people say,
 His carting was the prologue to this play.

535. UPON DUNDRIGE.

Dundrige his issue hath; but is not styl'd,
 For all his issue, father of one child.

553. WAY IN A CROWD.

Once on a Lord Mayor's Day, in Cheapside, when
 Skulls could not well pass through that scum of men,
 For quick despatch Skulls made no longer stay
 Than but to breathe, and everyone gave way;
 For, as he breathed, the people swore from thence
 A fart flew out, or a sir-reverence.

Sir-reverence, "save-reverence," the word of apology used for the indecency itself.

557. UPON ONE-EY'D BROOMSTED. EPIG.

Broomsted a lameness got by cold and beer:
 And to the bath went, to be cured there:
 His feet were helped, and left his crutch behind;
 But home returned, as he went forth, half blind.

563. UPON SIBILLA.

With paste of almonds, Syb her hands doth scour;
 Then gives it to the children to devour.
 In cream she bathes her thighs, more soft than silk;
 Then to the poor she freely gives the milk.

570. UPON TOOLY.

The eggs of pheasants wry-nosed Tooly sells,
 But ne'er so much as licks the speckled shells:
 Only, if one prove addled, that he eats
 With superstition, as the cream of meats.
 The cock and hen he feeds; but not a bone
 He ever picked, as yet, of anyone.

Superstition, reverence.

573. UPON BLANCH. EPIG.

I have seen many maidens to have hair,
 Both for their comely need and some to spare;
 But Blanch has not so much upon her head
 As to bind up her chaps when she is dead.

574. UPON UMBER.

Umber was painting of a lion fierce,
 And, working it, by chance from Umber's erse
 Flew out a crack, so mighty, that the fart,
 As Umber states, did make his lion start.

579. UPON URLES.

Urles had the gout so, that he could not stand;
 Then from his feet it shifted to his hand:
 When 'twas in's feet, his charity was small;
 Now 'tis in's hand, he gives no alms at all.

580. UPON FRANCK.

Franck ne'er wore silk she swears; but I reply,
 She now wears silk to hide her blood-shot eye.

590. UPON A FREE MAID, WITH A FOUL BREATH.

You say you'll kiss me, and I thank you for it;
 But stinking breath, I do as hell abhor it.

591. UPON COONE. EPIG.

What is the reason Coone so dully smells?
 His nose is over-cool'd with icicles.

596. UPON SPALT.

Of pushes Spalt has such a knotty race,
 He needs a tucker for to burl his face.

Pushes, pimples.
Tucker, a fuller.
Burl, to remove knots from cloth.

597. OF HORNE, A COMBMAKER.

Horne sells to others teeth; but has not one
 To grace his own gums, or of box, or bone.

600. UPON A SOUR-BREATH LADY. EPIG.

Fie, quoth my lady, what a stink is here?
 When 'twas her breath that was the carrionere.

Carrionere, carrion-carrier.

612. UPON COCK.