Shal. Nere talke to me, Ile make a star-chamber matter of it.
The Councell shall know it.
Page. Nay good maister Shallow be perswaded by mee.
Slen. Nay surely my vncle shall not put it vp so.
5 Sir Hu. Wil you not heare reasons M. Slenders?
You should heare reasons.
Shal. Tho he be a knight, he shall not thinke to carrie it so away.
M. Page I will not be wronged. For you
Syr, I loue you, and for my cousen,
10 He comes to looke vpon your daughter.
Pa. And heres my hand, and if my daughter
Like him so well as I, wee’l quickly haue it a match:
In the meane time let me entreate you to soiourne
Here a while. And on my life Ile vndertake
15 To make you friends.
Sir Hu. I pray you M. Shallowes let it be so.
The matter is pud to arbitarments.
The first man is M. Page, videlicet M. Page.
The second is my selfe, videlicet my selfe.
20 The third and last man, is mine host of the gartyr.
Heere is sir Iohn himselfe now, looke you.
Fal. Now M. Shallow, youle complaine of me to the Councell, I heare?
Fal. But not kissed your keepers daughter.
Shal. Well this shall be answered.
Fal. He answere it strait. I haue done all this.
This is now answred.
30 Shal. Well, the Councell shall know it.
Fal. Twere better for you twere knowne in counsell,
Youle be laught at.
Sir Hugh. Good vrdes sir Iohn, good vrdes.
Fal. Good vrdes, good Cabidge.
35 Slender I brake your head,
What matter haue you against mee?
Slen. I haue matter in my head against you and your cogging companions, Pistoll and Nym. They carried mee to the Tauerne, and made mee drunke, and afterward picked my pocket.
40 Fal. What say you to this Pistoll, did you picke Maister Slenders purse Pistoll?
Slen. I by this handkercher did he. Two faire shouell boord shillings, besides seuen groats in mill sixpences.
Fal. What say you to this Pistoll?
45 Pist. Sir Iohn, and Maister mine, I combat craue
Of this same laten bilbo. I do retort the lie
Euen in thy gorge, thy gorge, thy gorge.
Slen. By this light it was he then.
Nym. Syr my honor is not for many words,
I. 50 But if you run bace humors of me,
I will say mary trap. And there’s the humor of it.
Fal. You heare these matters denide gentlemen,
You heare it.
Pa. No more now,
55 I thinke it be almost dinner time,
For my wife is come to meete vs.
Fal. Mistresse Foord, I think your name is,
If I mistake not.
Syr Iohn kisses her.
Mis. Ford. Your mistake sir is nothing but in the Mistresse.
60 But my husbands name is Foord sir.
Fal. I shall desire your more acquaintance.
The like of you good misteris Page.
Mis. Pa. With all my hart sir Iohn.
Come husband will you goe?
65 Dinner staies for vs.
Pa. With all my hart, come along Gentlemen.
Exit all, but Slender and Mistresse Anne.
Anne. Now forsooth why do you stay me?
What would you with me?
Slen. Nay for my owne part, I would litle or nothing with you. 70 I loue you well, and my vncle can tell you how my liuing stands. And if you can loue me why so. If not, why then happie man be his dole.
An. You say well M. Slender.
But first you must giue me leaue to
I. 75 Be acquainted with your humor,
And afterward to loue you if I can.
Slen. Why by God, there’s neuer a man in christendome can desire more. What haue you beares in your Towne mistresse Anne, your dogs barke so?
80 An. I cannot tell M. Slender, I think there be.
Slen. Ha how say you? I warrant your afeard of a Beare let loose, are you not?
An. Yes trust me.
Slen. Now that’s meate and drinke to me,
85 He run yon to a beare, and take her by the mussell,
You neuer saw the like.
But indeed I cannot blame you,
For they are maruellous rough things.
Anne. Will yo go into dinner M. Slendor?
90 The meate staies for you.
Slen. No faith not I. I thanke you,
I cannot abide the smell of hot meate
Nere since I broke my shin. Ile tel you how it came
By my troth. A Fencer and I plaid three venies
95 For a dish of stewd prunes, and I with my ward
Defending my head, he hot my shin. Yes faith.
Pa. Come, come Maister Slender, dinner staies for you.
Slen. I can eate no meate, I thanke you.
Pa. You shall not choose I say.
I. 100 Slen. Ile follow you sir, pray leade the way.
Nay be God misteris Anne, you shall goe first,
I haue more manners then so, I hope.
An. Well sir, I will not be troublesome.
Exit omnes.
Sir Hu. Hark you Simple, pray you beare this letter to doctor Cayus house, the French Doctor. He is twell vp along the street, and enquire of his house for one mistris Quickly, his woman, or his try nurse, and deliuer this Letter to her, it tis about Maister Slender. 5 Looke you, will you do it now?
Sim. I warrant you sir.
Sir Hu. Pray you do, I must not be absent at the grace.
I will goe make an end of my dinner,
There is pepions and cheese behinde.
Exit omnes.
Fal. Mine Host of the Garter.
Host. What ses my bully Rooke?
Speake schollerly and wisely.
Fal. Mine Host, I must turne away some of my followers.
5 Host. Discard bully, Hercules cassire.
Let them wag, trot, trot.
Fal. I sit at ten pound a weeke.
Host. Thou art an Emperor Cæsar, Phesser and Kesar bully.
Ile entertaine Bardolfe. He shall tap, he shall draw.
10 Said I well, bully Hector?
Fal. Do good mine Host.
Host. I haue spoke. Let him follow. Bardolfe
Let me see thee froth, and lyme. I am at
A word. Follow, follow.
Exit Host.
15 Fal. Do Bardolfe, a Tapster is a good trade,
An old cloake will make a new Ierkin,
A withered seruingman, a fresh Tapster:
Follow him Bardolfe.
Bar. I will sir, Ile warrant you Ile make a good shift to liue.
Exit Bardolfe.
20 Pis. O bace gongarian wight, wilt thou the spicket willd?
Nym. His minde is not heroick. And theres the humor of it.
Fal. Well my Laddes, I am almost out at the heeles.
Pis. Why then let cybes insue.
Nym. I thanke thee for that humor.
III. 25 Fal. Well I am glad I am so rid of this tinder Boy.
His stealth was too open, his filching was like
An vnskilfull singer, he kept not time.
Nym. The good humour is to steale at a minutes rest.
Pis. Tis so indeed Nym, thou hast hit it right.
30 Fal. Wel, afore God, I must cheat, I must conycatch.
Which of you knowes Foord of this Towne?
Pis. I ken the wight, he is of substance good.
Fal. Well my honest Lads, Ile tell you what
I am about.
Pis. Two yards and more.
Fal. No gibes now Pistoll: indeed I am two yards
In the wast, but now I am about no wast:
Briefly, I am about thrift you rogues you,
I do intend to make loue to Foords wife,
40 I espie entertainment in her. She carues, she
Discourses. She giues the lyre of inuitation,
And euery part to be constured rightly is, I am
Syr Iohn Falstaffes.
Pis. Hee hath studied her well, out of honestie
45 Into English.
Fal. Now the report goes, she hath all the rule
Of her husbands purse. She hath legians of angels.
Pis. As many diuels attend her.
And to her boy say I.
III. 50 Fal. Heree’s a Letter to her. Heeres another to misteris Page. Who euen now gaue me good eies too, examined my exteriors with such a greedy intention, with the beames of her beautie, that it seemed as she would a scorged me vp like a burning glasse. Here is another Letter to her, shee beares the purse too. They shall be Excheckers 55 to me, and Ile be cheaters to them both. They shall be my East and West Indies, and Ile trade to them both. Heere beare thou this Letter to mistresse Foord. And thou this to mistresse Page. Weelethriue Lads, we will thriue.
Nym. Here, take your humor Letter againe,
For my part, I will keepe the hauior
Of reputation. And theres the humor of it.
65 Fal. Here sirrha beare me these Letters titely,
Saile like my pinnice to the golden shores:
Hence slaues, avant. Vanish like hailstones, goe.
Falstaffe will learne the humor of this age,
French thrift you rogue, my selfe and scirted Page.
Exit Falstaffe, and the Boy.
70 Pis. And art thou gone? Teaster Ile haue in pouch
When thou shalt want, bace Phrygian Turke,
Nym. I haue operations in my head, which are humors of reuenge.
Pis. Wilt thou reuenge?
III. 75 Nym. By Welkin and her Fairies.
Pis. By wit, or sword?
Nym. With both the humors I will disclose this loue to Page. He poses him with Iallowes,
And theres the humor of it.
80 Pis. And I to Foord will likewise tell
How Falstaffe varlot vilde,
Would haue her loue, his doue would proue,
And eke his bed defile.
Nym. Let vs about it then.
85 Pis. He second thee: sir Corporall Nym troope on.
Exit omnes.
Quic. M. Slender is your masters name say you?
Sim. I indeed that is his name.
Quic. How say you? I take it hee is somewhat a weakly man:
And he has as it were a whay coloured beard.
5 Sim. Indeed my maisters beard is kane colored.
Quic. Kane colour, you say well.
And is this Letter from sir You, about misteris An,
Is it not?
Sim. I indeed is it.
10 Quic. So: and your Maister would haue me as it twere to speak to misteris Anne concerning him: I promise you my M. hath a great affectoned mind to mistresse Anne himselfe. And if he should know that I should as they say, giue my verdit for any one but himselfe, I should heare of it throughly: For I tell you friend, he puts all his priuities 15 in me.
Sim. I by my faith you are a good staie to him.
Quic. Am I? I and you knew all yowd say so:
Washing, brewing, baking, al goes through my hands,
Or else it would be but a woe house.
20 Sim. I beshrow me, one woman to do all this, Is very painfull.
Quic. Are you auised of that? I, I warrant you,
Take all, and paie all, all goe through my hands,
And he is such a honest man, and he should chance
IV. 25 To come home and finde a man here, we should
Haue no who with him. He is a parlowes man.
Sim. Is he indeed?
Quic. Is he, quoth you? God keepe him abroad:
Lord blesse me, who knocks there?
30 For Gods sake step into the Counting-house,
While I go see whose at doore.
He steps into the Counting-house.
What Iohn Rugby, Iohn,
Are you come home sir alreadie?
And she opens the doore.
Doct. I begar I be forget mine oyntment,
35 Where be Iohn Rugby?
Rug. Here sir, do you call?
Doct. I you be Iohn Rugbie, and you be Iack Rugby
Goe run vp met your heeles, and bring away
De oyntment in the vindoe present:
40 Make haste Iohn Rugbie. O I am almost forget
My simples in a boxe in de Counting-house:
O Ieshu vat be here, a deuella, a deuella?
My Rapier Iohn Rugby, Vat be you, vat make
You in my Counting-house?
45 I tinck you be a teefe.
Quic. Ieshu blesse me, we are all vndone.
Sim. O Lord sir no: I am no theefe,
I am a Seruingman:
My name is Iohn Simple, I brought a Letter sir
IV. 50 From my M. Slender, about misteris Anne Page
Sir: Indeed that is my comming.
Doct. I begar is dat all? Iohn Rugby giue a ma pen
An Inck: tarche vn pettit tarche a little.
The Doctor writes.
Sim. O God what a furious man is this?
55 Quic. Nay it is well he is no worse:
I am glad he is so quiet.
Doc. Here giue that same to sir Hu, it ber ve chalenge
Begar tell him I will cut his nase, will you?
Sim. I sir, Ile tell him so.
60 Doc. Dat be vell, my rapier Iohn Rugby, follow may.
Exit Doctor.
Quic. Well my friend, I cannot tarry, tell your
Maister Ile doo what I can for him,
And so farewell.
Sim. Marry will I, I am glad I am got hence.
Exit omnes.
Mis. Pa. Mistresse Page I loue you. Ask me no reason,
Because theyr impossible to alledge. Your faire,
And I am fat. You loue sack, so do I:
As I am sure I haue no mind but to loue,
5 So I know you haue no hart but to grant
A souldier doth not vse many words where a knowes
A letter may serue for a sentence. I loue you,
And so I leaue you.
Yours Syr Iohn Falstaffe.
10 Now Ieshu blesse me, am I methomorphised?
I think I knowe not my selfe. Why what a Gods name doth this man see in me, that thus he shootes at my honestie? Well but that I knowe my owne heart, I should scarcely perswade my selfe I were hand. Why what an vnreasonable woolsack is this. He was neuer 15 twice in my companie, and if then I thought I gaue such assurance with my eies, Ide pull them out, they should neuer see more holie daies. Well, I shall trust fat men the worse while I liue for his sake. O God, that I knew how to be reuenged of him. But in good time, heeres mistresse Foord.
20 Mis. For. How now mistris Page, are you are reading Loue letters? How do you woman?
Mis. Pa. O woman I am I know not what:
In loue vp to the hard eares. I was neuer in such a case in my life.
Mis. Ford. In loue, now in the name of God with whom?
V. 25 Mis. Pa. With one that sweares he loues me,
And I must not choose but do the like againe:
I prethie looke on that Letter.
Mis. For. He match your letter iust with the like,
Line for line, word for word. Onely the name
30 Of misteris Page, and misteris Foord disagrees:
Do me the kindnes to looke vpon this.
Mis. Pa. Why this is right my letter.
O most notorious villaine!
Why what a bladder of iniquity is this?
35 Lets be reuenged what so ere we do.
Mis. For. Reuenged, if we liue weel be reuenged.
O Lord if my husband should see this Letter,
Ifaith this would euen giue edge to his Iealousie.
Mis. Pa. See where our husbands are,
40 Mine’s as far from Iealousie,
As I am from wronging him.
Pis. Ford the words I speake are forst:
Beware, take heed, for Falstaffe loues thy wife:
When Pistoll lies do this.
45 Ford. Why sir my wife is not young.
Pis. He wooes both yong and old, both rich and poore,
None comes amis. I say he loues thy wife:
Faire warning did I giue, take heed,
For sommer comes, and cuckoo birds appeare;
V. 50 Page belieue him what he ses. Away sir Corporal Nym.
Exit Pistoll:
Nym. Syr the humor of it is, he loues your wife,
I should ha borne the humor Letter to her:
I speake and I auouch tis true: My name is Nym.
Farwell, I loue not the humor of bread and cheese:
55 And theres the humor of it.
Exit Nym.
Pa. The humor of it, quoth you:
Heres a fellow frites humor out of his wits.
Mis. Pa. How now sweet hart, how dost thou?
Pa. How now man? how do you mistris Ford?
60 Mis. For. Well I thanke you good M. Page.
How now husband, how chaunce thou art so melancholy?
Ford. Melancholy, I am not melancholy.
Goe get you in, goe.
Mis. For. God saue me, see who yonder is:
65 Weele set her a worke in this businesse.
Mis Pa. O sheele serue excellent.
Now you come to see my daughter An I am sure.
Quic. I forsooth that is my comming.
Mis. Pa. Come go in with me. Come Mis. Ford.
70 Mis. For. I follow you Mistresse Page.
Exit Mistresse Ford, Mis. Page, and Quickly.
For. M. Page did you heare what these fellows said?
Pa. Yes M. Ford, what of that sir?
For. Do you thinke it is true that they told vs?
Pa. No by my troth do I not,
V. 75 I rather take them to be paltry lying knaues,
Such as rather speakes of enuie,
Then of any certaine they haue
Of any thing. And for the knight, perhaps
He hath spoke merrily, as the fashion of fat men
80 Are: But should he loue my wife,
Ifaith Ide turne her loose to him:
And what he got more of her,
Then ill lookes, and shrowd words,
Why let me beare the penaltie of it.
85 For. Nay I do not mistrust my wife,
Yet Ide be loth to turne them together,
A man may be too confident.
Enter Host and Shallow.
Pa. Here comes my ramping host of the garter,
Ther’s either licker in his hed, or mony in his purse,
90 That he lookes so merily. Now mine Host?
Host. God blesse you my bully rookes, God blesse you.
Caualera Iustice I say.
Shal. At hand mine host, at hand. M. Ford. god den to you
God den and twentie good M. Page.
95 I tell you sir we haue sport in hand.
Host. Tell him cauelira Iustice: tell him bully rooke.
Ford. Mine Host a the garter:
Host. What ses my bully rooke?
Ford. A word with you sir.
Ford and the Host talkes.
V. 100 Shal. Harke you sir, Ile tell you what the sport shall be
Doctor Cayus and sir Hu are to fight,
My merrie Host hath had the measuring
Of their weapons, and hath
Appointed them contrary places. Harke in your eare:
105 Host: Hast thou no shute against my knight, My guest, my cauellira.
For. None I protest: But tell him my name
Is Rrooke, onlie for a Iest.
Host: Thy hand bully: thou shalt
110 Haue egres and regres, and thy Name shall be Brooke:
Sed I well bully Hector?
Shal. I tell you what M. Page, I beleeue
The Doctor is no Iester, heele laie it on:
For tho we be Iustices and Doctors,
115 And Church men, yet we are
The sonnes of women M. Page:
Pa: True maister Shallow:
Shal: It will be found so maister Page:
Pa. Maister Shallow, you your selfe
120 Haue bene a great fighter,
Though now a man of peace:
Shal: M. Page, I haue seene the day that yong
Tall fellowes with their stroke and their passado,
I haue made them trudge Maister Page,
V. 125 A tis the hart, the hart doth all: I
Haue seene the day, with my two hand sword
I would a made you foure tall Fencers
Scipped like Rattes.
Host. Here boyes, shall we wag, shall we wag?
Shal. Ha with you mine host.
Exit Host and Shallow.
Pa. Come M. Ford, shall we to dinner?
I know these fellowes sticks in your minde.
For. No in good sadnesse, not in mine:
Yet for all this Ile try it further,
135 I will not leaue it so:
Come M. Page, shall we to dinner?
Page. With all my hart sir, Ile follow you.
Exit omnes.
Fal. Ile not lend thee a peny.
Pis. I will retort the sum in equipage.
Fal. Not a pennie: I haue beene content you shuld lay my countenance to pawne: I haue grated vpon my good friends for 3 repriues, 5 for you and your Coach-follow Nym, else you might a looked thorow a grate like a geminy of babones. I am damned in hell for swearing to Gentlemen your good souldiers and tall fellowes: and when mistrisse Briget lost the handle of her Fan, I tooked on my ho- thou hadst it not.
10 Pis. Didst thou not share? hadst thou not fifteene pence?
Fal. Reason you rogue, reason.
Doest thou thinke Ile indanger my soule gratis?
In briefe, hang no more about mee, I am no gybit for you. A short knife and a throng to your manner of pickt hatch, goe. Youle not 15 beare a Letter for me you rogue you: you stand vpon your honor. Why thou vnconfinable basenesse thou, tis as much as I can do to keepe the termes of my honor precise. I, I my selfe sometimes, leauing the feare of God on the left hand, am faine to shuffel, to filch and to lurch. And yet you stand vpon your honor, you rogue. You, 20 you.
Pis. I do recant: what woulst thou more of man?
Fal. Well, gotoo, away, no more.
Quic. Good you god den sir.
Fal. Good den faire wife.
VI. 25 Quic. Not so ant like your worship.
Fal. Faire mayd then.
Quic. That I am Ile be sworne, as my mother was
The first houre I was borne.
Sir I would speake with you in priuate.
30 Fal. Say on I prethy, heeres none but my owne houshold.
Quic. Are they so? Now God blesse them, and make them his seruants.
Syr I come from Mistresse Foord.
Fal. So from Mistresse Foord. Goe on.
35 Quic. I sir, she hath sent me to you to let you
Vnderstand she hath receiued your Letter,
And let me tell you, she is one stands vpon her credit.
Fal. Well, come Misteris Ford, Misteris Ford.
Quic. I sir, and as they say, she is not the first
40 Hath bene led in a fooles paradice.
Fal. Nay prethy be briefe my good she Mercury.
Quic. Mary sir, sheed haue you meet her betweene eight and nine.
Fal. So betweene eight and nine:
45 Qu. I forsooth, for then her husband goes a birding,
Fal. Well commend me to thy mistris, tel her
I will not faile her: Boy giue her my purse.
Quic. Nay sir I haue another arant to do to you
From misteris Page:
VI. 50 Fal. From misteris Page? I prethy what of her?
Qu. By my troth I think you work by Inchantments,
Els they could neuer loue you as they doo:
Fal. Not I, I assure thee; setting the attraction of my
Good parts aside, I vse no other inchantments:
55 Quic. Well sir, she loues you extreemly:
And let me tell you, shees one that feares God,
And her husband giues her leaue to do all:
For he is not halfe so iealousie as M. Ford is.
Fal. But harke thee, hath misteris Page and mistris Ford,
60 Acquainted each other how dearly they loue me?
Quic. O God no sir: there were a iest indeed.
Fal. Well farwel, commend me to misteris Ford,
I will not faile her say.
Quic. God be with your worship.
Exit Mistresse Quickly.
65 Bar. Sir, heer’s a Gentleman,
One M. Brooke, would speak with you,
He hath sent you a cup of sacke.
Fal. M. Brooke, hees welcome: bid him come vp,
Such Brookes are alwaies welcome to me:
70 A Iack, will thy old bodie yet hold out?
Wilt thou after the expence of so much mony
Be now a gainer? Good bodie I thanke thee,
And Ile make more of thee then I ha done:
Ha, ha, misteris Ford, and misteris Page, haue
VI. 75 I caught you a the hip? go too.
For. God saue you sir.
Fal. And you too, would you speak with me?