For. Mary would I sir, I am somewhat bolde to trouble you,
My name is Brooke.
80 Fal. Good M. Brooke your verie welcome.
For. Ifaith sir I am a gentleman and a traueller,
That haue seen somewhat. And I haue often heard
That if mony goes before, all waies lie open.
Fal. Mony is a good souldier sir, and will on.
85 For. Ifaith sir, and I haue a bag here,
Would you wood helpe me to beare it.
Fal. O Lord, would I could tell how to deserue
To be your porter.
For. That may you easily sir Iohn: I haue an earnest
90 Sute to you. But good sir Iohn when I haue
Told you my griefe, cast one eie of your owne
Estate, since your selfe knew what tis to be
Such an offender.
Fal. Verie well sir, proceed.
95 For. Sir I am deeply in loue with one Fords wife
Of this Towne. Now sir Iohn you are a gentleman
Of good discoursing, well beloued among Ladies,
A man of such parts that might win 20. such as she.
Fal. O good sir.
VI. 100 For. Nay beleeue it sir Iohn, for tis time. Now my loue
Is so grounded vpon her, that without her loue
I shall hardly liue.
Fal. Haue you importuned her by any means?
Ford. No neuer sir.
105 Fal. Of what qualitie is your loue then?
Ford. Ifaith sir, like a faire house set vpon
Another mans foundation.
Fal. And to what end haue you vnfolded this to me?
For. O sir, when I haue told you that, I told you all:
110 For she sir stands so pure in the firme state
Of her honestie, that she is too bright to be looked
Against: Now could I come against her
With some detection, I should sooner perswade her
From her marriage vow, and a hundred such nice
115 Tearmes that sheele stand vpon.
Fal. Why would it apply well to the veruensie of your affection,
That another should possesse what you would enjoy?
Meethinks you prescribe verie preposterously
To your selfe.
120 For. No sir, for by that meanes should I be certaine of that which I now misdoubt.
Fal. Wel M. Brooke, Ile first make bold with your mony,
Next, giue me your hand. Lastly, you shall
And you will, enioy Fords wife.
VI. 125 Foord. O good sir.
Fal. M. Brooke, I say you shall.
For. Want no mony syr Iohn, you shall want none.
Fal. Want no misteris Ford M. Brooke,
You shall want none. Euen as you came to me,
130 Her spokes mate, her go between parted from me:
I may tell you M. Brooke, I am to meet her
Betweene 8 and 9, for at that time the Iealous
Cuckally knaue her husband wil be from home,
Come to me soone at night, you shall know how
135 I speed M. Brooke.
Ford. Sir do you know Ford?
Fal. Hang him poore cuckally knaue, I know him not,
And yet I wrong him to call him poore. For they
Say the cuckally knaue hath legions of angels,
140 For the which his wife seemes to me well fauored,
And Ile vse her as the key of the cuckally knaues
Coffer, and there’s my randeuowes.
Foord. Meethinkes sir it were good that you knew
Ford, that you might shun him.
145 Fal. Hang him cuckally knaue, Ile stare him
Out of his wits, Ile keepe him in awe
With this my cudgell: It shall hang like a meator
Ore the wittolly knaues head, M. Brooke thou shalt
See I will predominate ore the peasant,
VI. 150 And thou shalt lie with his wife. M. Brooke
Thou shalt know him for knaue and cuckold,
Come to me soone at night.
Exit Falstaffe.
Ford. What a damned epicurian is this?
My wife hath sent for him, the plot is laid:
155 Page is an Asse, a foole. A secure Asse,
Ile sooner trust an Irishman with my
Aquauita bottle, Sir Hu our parson with my cheese,
A theefe to walke my ambling gelding, then my wife
With her selfe: then she plots, then she ruminates,
160 And what she thinkes in her hart she may effect,
Sheele breake her hart but she will effect it.
God be praised, God be praised for my iealousie:
Well Ile go preuent him, the time drawes on,
Better an houre too soone, then a minit too late,
165 Gods my life cuckold, cuckold.
Exit Ford.
Doc. Iohn Rugbie goe looke met your eies ore de stall,
And spie and you can see de parson.
Rug. Sir I cannot tell whether he be there or no,
But I see a great many comming.
5 Doc. Bully moy, mon rapier Iohn Rugabie, begar de
Hearing be not so dead as I shall make him.
Pa. God saue you M. Doctor Cayus.
Shal. How do you M. Doctor?
Ho. God blesse thee my bully doctor, God blesse thee,
10 Doct. Vat be all you, Van to tree come for, a?
Host. Bully to see thee fight, to see thee foine, to see thee trauerse, to see thee here, to see thee there, to see thee passe the punto. The stock, the reuerse, the distance: the montnce is a dead my francoyes? Is a dead my Ethiopian? Ha, what ses my gallon? my 15 escuolapis? Is a dead bullies taile, is a dead?
Doct. Begar de preest be a coward Iack knaue,
He dare not shew his face.
Host. Thou art a castallian king vrinall.
Hector of Greece my boy.
20 Sha. He hath showne himselfe the wiser man, M. Doctor:
Sir Hugh is a parson, and you a Phisition. You must
Goe with me, M. Doctor.
Host. Pardon bully Iustice. A word monsire mockwater.
Doct. Mockwater, vat me dat?
VII. 25 Host. That is in our English tongue, Vallor bully, vallor.
Doct. Begar den I haue as mockuater as de Inglish Iack dog, knaue.
Host. He will claperclaw thee titely bully.
Doct. Claperclawe, vat be dat?
30 Host. That is, he will make thee amends.
Doct. Begar I do looke he shal claperclaw me den,
And Ile prouoke him to do it, or let him wag:
And moreouer bully, but M. Page and M. Shallow,
And eke cauellira Slender, go you all ouer the fields to Frogmore?
35 Pa. Sir Hugh is there, is hee?
Host. He is there: go see what humor hee is in,
Ile bring the Doctor about by the fields:
Will it do well?
Shal. We wil do it my host. Farewel M. Doctor.
Exit all but the Host and Doctor.
40 Doc. Begar I will kill de cowardly Iack preest,
He is make a foole of moy.
Host. Let him die, but first sheth your impatience,
Throw cold water on your collor, com go with me
Through the fields to Frogmore, and Ile bring thee
45 Where mistris An Page is a feasting at a farm house,
And thou shalt wear hir cried game: sed I wel bully.
Doct. Begar excellent vel: and if you speake pour moy, I shall procure you de gesse of all de gentlemen mon patinces. I begar I sall.
VII. 50 Host. For the which Ile be thy aduersary
To misteris An Page: sed I well?
Doct. I begar excellent.
Host. Let vs wag then.
Doct. Alon, alon, alon.
Exit omnes.
Sir Hu. I pray you do so much as see if you can espie
Doctor Cayus comming, and giue me intelligence,
Or bring me vrde if you please now.
Sim. I will sir.
5 Sir Hu. Ieshu ples mee, how my hart trobes, and trobes,
And then she made him bedes of Roses,
And a thousand fragrant poses,
To shallow riueres. Now so kad vdge me, my hart
Swelles more and more. Mee thinks I can cry
10 Verie well. There dwelt a man in Babylon,
To shallow riuers and to falles,
Melodious birds sing Madrigalles.
Sim. Sir here is M. Page, and M. Shallow,
Comming hither as fast as they can.
15 Sir Hu. Then it is verie necessary I put vp my sword,
Pray give me my cowne too, marke you.
Pa. God saue you sir Hugh.
Shal. God saue you M. parson.
Sir Hu. God plesse you all from his mercies sake now.
20 Pa. What the word and the sword, doth that agree well?
Sir Hu. There is reasons and causes in all things,
I warrant you now.
Pa. Well sir Hugh, we are come to crane
Your helpe and furtherance in a matter.
VIII. 25 Sir Hu. What is I pray you?
Pa. Ifaith tis this sir Hugh. There is an auncient friend of ours, a man of verie good sort, so at oddes with one patience, that I am sure you would hartily grieue to see him. Now sir Hugh, you are a scholler well red, and verie perswasiue, we would intreate you to see 30 if you could intreat him to patience.
Sir Hu. I pray you who is it? Let vs know that.
Pa. I am shure you know him, tis Doctor Cayus.
Sir Hu. I had as leeue you should tel me of a messe of poredge,
35 He is an arant lowsie beggerly knaue:
And he is a coward beside.
Pa. Why Ile laie my life tis the man
That he should fight withall.
Shal. Keep them asunder, take away their weapons.
40 Host. Disarme, let them question.
Shal. Let them keepe their limbs hole, and hack our English.
Doct. Harke van vrd in your eare. You be vn daga
And de Iack, coward preest.
45 Sir Hu. Harke you, let vs not be laughing stockes to other mens humors. By Ieshu I will knock your vrinalls about your knaues cock-comes, for missing your meetings and appointments.
Doct. O Ieshu mine host of de garter, Iohn Rogoby,
Haue I not met him at de place he make apoint,
Haue I not?
VIII. 50 Sir Hu. So kad vdge me, this is the pointment place,
Witnes by my Host of the garter.
Host. Peace I say gawle and gawlia, French and Wealch,
Soule curer and bodie curer.
Doc. This be verie braue, excellent.
55 Host. Peace I say, heare mine host of the garter,
Am I wise? am I polliticke? am I Matchauil?
Shal I lose my doctor? No, he giues me the motions
And the potions. Shal I lose my parson, my sir Hu?
No, he giues me the prouerbes, and the nouerbes:
60 Giue me thy hand terestiall, So giue me thy hand celestiall:
So boyes of art I haue deceiued you both,
I haue directed you to wrong places,
Your hearts are mightie, you skins are whole,
65 Bardolfe laie their swords to pawne. Follow me lads
Of peace, follow me. Ha, ra, la. Follow.
Exit Host.
Shal. Afore God a mad host, come let vs goe.
Doc. I begar haue you mocka may thus?
I will be euen met you my Iack Host.
70 Sir Hugh. Giue me your hand doctor Cayus,
We be all friends:
But for mine hosts foolish knauery, let me alone.
Doc. I dat be veil begar I be friends.
(Exit omnes.
For. The time drawes on he shuld come to my house,
Well wife, you had best worke closely,
Or I am like to goe beyond your cunning:
I now wil seeke my guesse that comes to dinner,
5 And in good time see where they all are come.
By my faith a knot well met: your welcome all.
Pa. I thanke you good M. Ford.
For. Welcome good M. Page,
I would your daughter were here.
10 Pa. I thank you sir, she is very well at home.
Slen. Father Page I hope I haue your consent
For Misteris Anne?
Pa. You haue sonne Slender, but my wife here,
Is altogether for maister Doctor.
15 Doc. Begar I tanck her hartily.
Host. But what say you to yong Maister Fenton?
He capers, he daunces, he writes verses, he smelles
All April and May: he wil cary it, he wil carit,
Tis in his betmes he wil carite.
20 Pa. My host not with my consent: the gentleman is
Wilde, he knowes too much: If he take her,
Let him take her simply: for my goods goes
With my liking, and my liking goes not that way.
For. Well, I pray go home with me to dinner:
IX. 25 Besides your cheare Ile shew you wonders: Ile
Shew you a monster. You shall go with me
M. Page, and so shall you sir Hugh, and you Maister Doctor.
S. Hu. If there be one in the company, I shal make two:
Doc. And dere be ven to, I sail make de tird:
Sir Hu, In your teeth for shame,
Shal. wel, wel, God be with you, we shall haue the fairer
Wooing at Maister Pages:
Exit Shallow and Slender.
Host. Ile to my honest knight sir Iohn Falstaffe,
And drinke Canary with him.
Exit host.
35 For. I may chance to make him drinke in pipe wine,
First come gentlemen.
Exit omnes.
Mis. For. Sirrha, if your M. aske you whither
You carry this basket, say to the Launderers,
I hope you know how to bestow it?
Ser. I warrant you misteris.
Exit seruant.
5 Mis. For. Go get you in. Well sir Iohn,
I beleeue I shall serue you such a trick,
You shall haue little mind to come againe.
Fal. Haue I caught my heauenlie Iewel?
Why now let me die. I haue liued long inough.
10 This is the happie houre I haue desired to see,
Now shall I sin in my wish,
I would thy husband were dead.
Mis. For. Why how then sir Iohn?
Fal. By the Lord, Ide make thee my Ladie.
15 Mis. For. Alas sir Iohn, I should be a verie simple Ladie.
Fal. Goe too, I see how thy eie doth emulate the Diamond.
And how the arched bent of thy brow
Would become the ship tire, the tire vellet,
Or anie Venetian attire, I see it.
20 Mis. For. A plaine kercher sir Iohn, would fit me better.
Fal. By the Lord thou art a traitor to saie so:
What made me loue thee? Let that perswade thee
Ther’s somewhat extraordinarie in thee: Goe too I loue thee:
Mistris Ford, I cannot cog, I cannot prate, like one
X. 25 Of these fellowes that smels like Bucklers-berie,
In simple time, but I loue thee,
And none but thee.
Mis. For. Sir Iohn, I am afraid you loue misteris Page.
Fal. I thou mightest as well saie
30 I loue to walke by the Counter gate,
Which is as hatefull to me
As the reake of a lime kill.
Mis. Pa. Mistresse Ford, Mis. Ford, where are you?
Mis. For. O Lord step aside good sir Iohn.
Falstaffe stands behind the aras.
35 How now Misteris Page, what’s the matter?
Mis. Pa. Why your husband woman is comming,
With halfe Windsor at his heeles,
To looke for a gentleman, that he ses
Is hid in his house: his wifes sweet hart.
40 Mis. For. Speak louder. But I hope tis not true Misteris Page.
Mis. Pa. Tis too true woman. Therefore if you
Haue any here, away with him, or your vndone for euer.
Mis. For. Alas mistresse Page, what shall I do?
Here is a gentleman my friend, how shall I do?
45 Mis. Pa. Gode body woman, do not stand what shal I do, and what shall I do. Better any shift, rather then you shamed. Looke heere, here’s a buck-basket, if hee be a man of any reasonable sise, heele in here.
Mis. For. Alas I feare he is too big.
X. 50 Fal. Let me see, let me see, Ile in, Ile in,
Follow your friends counsell.
Mis. Pa. Fie sir Iohn, is this your loue? Go too. (Aside.
Fal. I loue thee, and none but thee:
Helpe me to conuey me hence,
55 Ile neuer come here more.
Ford. Come pray along, you shall see all.
How now who goes heare? whither goes this?
Whither goes it? set it downe.
Mis. For. Now let it go, you had best meddle with 60 buck-washing.
Ford. Buck, good buck, pray come along,
Master Page take my keyes: helpe to search. Good
Sir Hugh pray come along, helpe a little, a little,
He shew you all.
65 Sir Hu. By Ieshu these are iealosies and distemperes.
Exit omnes.
Mis. Pa. He is in a pittifull taking.
Mis. I wonder what he thought
When my husband bad them set downe the basket.
Mis. Pa. Hang him dishonest slaue, we cannot vse
Him bad inough. This is excellent for your
Husbands iealousie.
Mi. For. Alas poore soule it grieues me at the hart,
But this will be a meanes to make him cease
His iealous fits, if Falstaffes love increase.
X. 75 Mis. Pa. Nay we wil send to Falstaffe once again,
Tis great pittie we should leaue him:
What wiues may be merry, and yet honest too.
Mi. For. Shall we be condemnd because we laugh?
Tis old, but true: still sowes eate all the draffe.
80 Mis. Pa. Here comes your husband, stand aside.
For. I can find no body within, it may be he lied.
Mis. Pa. Did you heare that?
Mis. For. I, I, peace.
For. Well, Ile not let it go so, yet Ile trie further.
85 S. Hu. By Ieshu if there be any body in the kitchin
Or the cuberts, or the presse, or the buttery,
I am an arrant Iew: now God plesse me:
You serue me well, do you not?
Pa. Fie M. Ford you are too blame:
90 Mis. Pa. I faith tis not well M. Ford to suspect
Her thus without cause.
Doc. No by my trot it be no vell:
For. Wel, I pray bear with me, M. Page pardon me.
I suffer for it, I suffer for it:
95 Sir Hu: You suffer for a bad conscience looke you now:
Ford: Well I pray no more, another time Ile tell you all:
The mean time go dine with me, pardon me wife,
I am sorie; M. Page, pray goe in to dinner,
Another time Ile tell you all.
X. 100 Pa: Wel let it be so, and to morrow I inuite you all
To my house to dinner: and in the morning weele
A birding, I haue an excellent Hauke for the bush.
Ford: Let it be so: Come M. Page, come wife;
I pray you come in all, y’are welcome, pray come in.
105 Sir Hu: By so kad vdgme, M. Fordes is
Not in his right wittes:
Exit omnes:
Fal: Bardolfe brew me a pottle sack presently:
Bar: With Egges sir?
Fal: Simply of it selfe, Ile none of these pullets sperme
In my drink: goe make haste.
5 Haue I liued to be carried in a basket
And throwne into the Thames like a barow of Butchers offoll. Well, and I be serued such another tricke, Ile giue them leaue to take out my braines and butter them, and giue them to a dog for a new-yeares gift. Sblood, the rogues slided me in with as little remorse as if they 10 had gone to drowne a blinde bitches puppies in the litter: and they might know by my sise I haue a kind of alacritie in sinking: and the bottom had bin as deep as hell I should downe. I had bene drowned, but that the shore was sheluie and somewhat shallowe: a death that I abhorre. For you know the water swelles a man: and what a thing 15 should I haue bene when I had bene swelled? By the Lord a mountaine of money. Now is the Sacke brewed?
Bar. I sir, there’s a woman below would speake with you.
Fal. Bid her come vp. Let me put some Sacke among this cold water, for my belly is as cold as if I had swallowed snow-balles 20 for pilles.
Now whats the newes with you?
Quic. I come from misteris Ford forsooth.
Fal. Misteris Ford, I haue had Ford inough,
I haue bene throwne into the Ford, my belly is full
XI. 25 Of Ford: she hath tickled mee.
Quic. O Lord sir, she is the sorrowfullest woman that her seruants mistooke, that euer liued. And sir, she would desire you of all loues you will meet her once againe, to morrow sir, betweene ten and eleuen, and she hopes to make amends for all.
30 Fal. Ten, and eleuen, saiest thou?
Quic. I forsooth.
Fal. Well, tell her Ile meet her. Let her but think
Of mans frailtie: Let her iudge what man is,
And then thinke of me. And so farwell.
35 Quic. Youle not faile sir?
Exit mistresse Quickly.
Fal. I will not faile. Commend me to her.
I wonder I heare not of M. Brooke, I like his
Mony well. By the masse here he is.
For. God saue you sir.
40 Fal. Welcome good M. Brooke. You come to know how matters goes.
Ford. Thats my comming indeed sir Iohn.
45 For. And how sped you sir?
Fal. Verie ilfauouredly sir.
For. Why sir, did she change her determination?
Fal. No M. Brooke, but you shall heare. After we had kissed and imbraced, and as it were euen amid the prologue of our incounter, XI. 50 who should come, but the iealous knaue her husband, and a rabble of his companions at his heeles, thither prouoked and instigated by his distemper. And what to do thinke you? to search for his wiues loue. Euen so, plainly so.
For. While ye were there?
55 Fal. Whilst I was there.
For. And did he search and could not finde you?
Fal. You shall heare sir, as God would haue it,
A litle before comes me one Pages wife,
Giues her intelligence of her husbands
60 Approach: and by her inuention, and Fords wiues
Distraction, conueyd me into a buck-basket.
Ford. A buck basket!
Fal. By the Lord a buck-basket, rammed me in
With foule shirts, stokins, greasie napkins,
65 That M. Brooke, there was a compound of the most
Villanous smel, that euer offended nostrill.
Ile tell you M. Brooke, by the Lord for your sake
I suffered three egregious deaths: First to be
Crammed like a good bilbo, in the circomference
70 Of a pack, Hilt to point, heele to head: and then to
Be stewed in my owne grease like a Dutch dish:
A man of my kidney; by the Lord it was maruell I
Escaped suffication; and in the heat of all this,
To be throwne into Thames like a horshoo hot:
XI. 75 Maister Brooke, thinke of that hissing heate, Maister Brooke.
Ford. Well sir then my shute is void?
Youle vndertake it no more?
Fal. M. Brooke, Ile be throwne into Etna
As I haue bene in the Thames,
80 Ere I thus leaue her: I haue receiued
Another appointment of meeting,
Betweene ten and eleuen is the houre.
Ford: Why sir, tis almost ten alreadie:
Fal: Is it? why then will I addresse my selfe
85 For my appointment: M. Brooke, come to me soone
At night, and you shall know how I speed,
And the end shall be, you shall enjoy her loue:
You shall cuckold Foord: come to mee soone at at night.
Exit Falstaffe.
For. Is this a dreame? Is it a vision?
90 Maister Ford, maister Ford, awake maister Ford,
There is a hole made in your best coat M. Ford,
And a man shall not onely endure this wrong,
But shall stand vnder the taunt of names,
Lucifer is a good name, Barbason good: good
95 Diuels names: but cuckold, wittold, godeso
The diuel himselfe hath not such a name:
And they may hang hats here, and napkins here
Vpon my homes: well Ile home, I ferit him,
And vnlesse the diuel himselfe should aide him.
XI. 100 Ile search vnpossible places: Ile about it, Least
I repent too late:
Exit omnes.
Fen: Tell me sweet Nan, how doest thou yet resolue,
Shall foolish Slender haue thee to his wife?
Or one as wise as he, the learned Doctor?
Shall such as they enjoy thy maiden hart?
5 Thou knowst that I haue alwaies loued thee deare,
And thou hast oft times swore the like to me.
An: Good M. Fenton, you may assure your selfe
My hart is setled vpon none but you,
Tis as my father and mother please:
10 Get their consent, you quickly shall haue mine.
Fen: Thy father thinks I loue thee for his wealth,
Tho I must needs confesse at first that drew me,
But since thy vertues wiped that trash away,
I loue thee Nan, and so deare is it set,
15 That whilst I liue, I nere shall thee forget.
[Quic:] Godes pitie here comes her father.
Pa. M. Fenton I pray what make you here?
You know my answere sir, shees not for you:
Knowing my vow, to blame to vse me thus.
20 Fen. But heare me speake sir.
Pa. Pray sir get you gon: Come hither daughter,
Sonne Slender let me speak with you. (they whisper.
Quic. Speake to misteris Page.
Fen. Pray misteris Page let me haue your consent.
Mis. Pa. Ifaith M. Fenton tis as my husband please.
For my part, Ile neither hinder you, nor further you.
Quic. How say you this was my doings?
I bid you speake to misteris Page.
Fen. Here nurse, theres a brace of angels to drink,
30 Worke what thou canst for me, farwell. (Exit Fen.
Quic. By my troth so I will, good hart.