Pa. Come wife, you an I will in, weele leaue M. Slender
And my daughter to talke together. M. Shallow,
You may stay sir if you please.
Exit Page and his wife.
35 Shal. Mary I thanke you for that:
To her cousin, to her.
Slen. Ifaith I know not what to say.
An. Now M. Slender, what’s your will?
40 Slen. Godeso, theres a Iest indeed: why misteris An, I neuer made will yet: I thank God I am wise inough for that.
Shal. Fie cusse fie, thou art not right,
O thou hadst a father.
Slen. I had a father misteris Anne, good vncle
Tell the Iest how my father stole the goose out of
45 The henloft. All this is nought, harke you mistresse Anne.
Shal. He will make you ioynter of three hundred pound a yeare, he shall make you a Gentlewoman.
Slend. I be God that I vill, come cut and long taile, as good as any is in Glostershire, vnder the degree of a Squire.
XII. 50 An. O God how many grosse faults are hid
And couered in three hundred pound a yeare?
Well M. Slender, within a day or two Ile tell you more.
Slend. I thanke you good misteris Anne, vncle I shall haue her.
Quic. M. Shallow, M. Page would pray you to come you, and you 55 M. Slender, and you mistris An.
Slend. Well Nurse, if youle speake for me,
Ile giue you more than Ile talke of.
Exit omnes but Quickly.
Quic. Indeed I will, Ile speake what I can for you,
But specially for M. Fenton:
60 But specially of all for my Maister.
And indeed I will do what I can for them all three.
Exit.
Mis. For. Do you heare? when your M. comes take vp this basket as you did before, and if your M. bid you set it downe, obey him.
65 Ser. I will forsooth.
Mis. For. Syr Iohn welcome.
Fal. What are you sure of your husband now?
Mis. For. He is gone a birding sir Iohn, and I hope will not come home yet.
70 Gods body here is misteris Page,
Step behind the arras good sir Iohn.
He steps behind the arras.
Mis. Pa. Misteris Ford, why woman your husband is in his old vaine againe, hees comming to search for your sweet heart, but I am glad he is not here.
XII. 75 Mis. For. O God misteris Page the knight is here,
What shall I do?
Mis. Pa. Why then you’r vndone woman, vnles you make some meanes to shift him away.
Mis. For. Alas I know no meanes, unlesse 80 we put him in the basket againe.
Fal. No Ile come no more in the basket,
Ile creep vp into the chimney.
Mis For. There they use to discharge their Fowling peeces.
Fal. Why then Ile goe out of doores.
85 Mi. Pa. Then your vndone, your but a dead man.
Fal. For Gods sake deuise any extremitie,
Rather then a mischiefe.
Mis. Pa. Alas I know not what meanes to make,
If there were any womans apparell would fit him,
90 He might put on a gowne and a mufler, And so escape.
Mi. For. Thats wel remembred, my maids Aunt
Gillian of Brainford, hath a gowne aboue.
Mis. Pa. And she is altogether as fat as he.
95 Mis. For. I that will serue him of my word.
Mis. Pa. Come goe with me sir Iohn, Ile helpe to dresse you.
Fal. Come for God sake, any thing.
Exit Mis. Page and Sir Iohn.
For. Come along I pray, you shal know the cause,
How now whither goe you? Ha whither go you?
XII. 100 Set downe the basket you ssaue,
You panderly rogue, set it downe.
Mis. For. What is the reason that you vse me thus?
For. Come hither set downe the basket,
Misteris Ford the modest woman,
105 Misteris Ford the vertuous woman,
She that hath the iealous foole to her husband,
I mistrust you without cause do I not?
Mis. For. I Gods my record do you. And if
you mistrust me in any ill sort.
110 Ford. Well sed brazen face, hold it out,
You youth in a basket, come out here,
Pull out the cloathes, search.
Hu. Ieshu plesse me, will you pull vp your wiues cloathes.
Pa. Fie M. Ford, you are not to go abroad if you be in these fits.
115 Sir Hugh. By so kad vdge me, tis verie necessarie
He were put in pethlem.
For. M. Page, as I am an honest man M. Page,
There was one conueyd out of my house here yesterday out of this basket, why may he not be here now?
120 Mi. For. Come mistris Page, bring the old woman downe.
For. Old woman, what old woman?
Mi. For. Why my maidens Ant, Gillian of Brainford.
A witch, haue I not forewarned her my house,
Alas we are simple we, we know not what
XII. 125 Is brought to passe vnder the colour of fortune-Telling.
Come downe you witch, come downe.
Away you witch get you gone.
Sir Hu. By Ieshu I verily thinke she is a witch indeed,
I espied vnder her mufler a great beard.
130 Ford. Pray come helpe me to search, pray now.
Pa. Come weele go for his minds sake.
Exit omnes.
Mi. For. By my troth he beat him most extreamly.
Mi. Pa. I am glad of it, what shall we proceed any further?
Mi. For. No faith, now if you will let vs tell our husbands of it.
135 For mine I am sure hath almost fretted himselfe to death.
Mi. Pa. Content, come weele go tell them all,
And as they agree, so will we proceed.
Exit both.
Bar. Syr heere be three Gentlemen come from the Duke the Stanger sir, would haue your horse.
Host. The Duke, what Duke? let me speake with the Gentlemen, do they speake English?
5 Bar. He call them to you sir.
Host. No Bardolfe, let them alone, He sauce them:
They haue had my house a weeke at command,
I haue turned away my other guesse,
They shall haue my horses Bardolfe,
10 They must come off, He sawce them.
Exit omnes.
Ford. Well wife, heere take my hand, vpon my soule I loue thee dearer then I do my life, and ioy I haue so true and constant wife, my iealousie shall neuer more offend thee.
Mi. For. Sir I am glad, and that which I haue done,
5 Was nothing else but mirth and modestie.
Pa. I misteris Ford, Falstaffe hath all the griefe,
And in this knauerie my wife was the chiefe.
Mi. Pa. No knauery husband, it was honest mirth.
Hu. Indeed it was good pastimes & merriments.
10 Mis. For. But sweete heart shall wee leaue olde Falstaffe so?
Mis. Pa. O by no meanes, send to him againe.
Pa. I do not thinke heele come being so much deceiued.
For. Let me alone, Ile to him once again like Brooke, and know his mind whether heele come or not.
15 Pa. There must be some plot laide, or heele not come.
Mis. Pa. Let vs alone for that. Heare my deuice.
Oft haue you heard since Horne the hunter dyed,
That women to affright their litle children,
Ses that he walkes in shape of a great stagge.
20 Now for that Falstaffe hath bene so deceiued,
As that he dares not venture to the house,
Weele send him word to meet vs in the field,
Disguised like Horne, with huge horns on his head.
The houre shalbe iust betweene twelue and one,
XIV. 25 And at that time we will meet him both:
Then would I haue you present there at hand,
With litle boyes disguised and dressed like Fayries,
For to affright fat Falstaffe in the woods.
And then to make a period to the Iest,
30 Tell Falstaffe all, I thinke this will do best.
Pa. Tis excellent, and my daughter Anne,
Shall like a litle Fayrie be disguised.
Mis. Pa. And in that Maske Ile make the Doctor steale my daughter An, and ere my husband knowes it, to carrie her to Church, 35 and marrie her.
Mis. For. But who will buy the silkes to tyre the boyes?
Pa. That will I do, and in a robe of white
Ile cloath my daughter, and aduertise Slender
To know her by that signe, and steale her thence,
40 And vnknowne to my wife, shall marrie her.
Hu. So kad vdge me the deuises is excellent.
I will also be there, and will be like a Iackanapes,
And pinch him most cruelly for his lecheries.
Mis. Pa. Why then we are reuenged sufficiently.
45 First he was carried and throwne in the Thames,
Next beaten well, I am sure youle witnes that.
Mi. For. Ile lay my life this makes him nothing fat.
Pa. Well lets about this stratagem, I long
To see deceit deceiued, and wrong haue wrong.
XIV. 50 For. Well send to Falstaffe, and if he come thither,
Twill make vs smile and laugh one moneth togither.
Exit omnes.
Host. What would thou haue boore, what thick-skin?
Speake, breath, discus, short, quick, briefe, snap.
Sim. Sir, I am sent from my M. to sir Iohn Falstaffe.
Host. Sir Iohn, theres his Castle, his standing bed, his trundle 5 bed, his chamber is painted about with the story of the prodigall, fresh and new, goe knock, heele speak like an Antripophiginian to thee:
Knock I say.
Sim. Sir I should speak with an old woman that went vp into 10 his chamber.
Host. An old woman, the knight may be robbed, Ile call bully knight, bully sir Iohn. Speake from thy Lungs military: it is thine host, thy Ephesian calls.
Fal. Now mine host,
15 Host: Here is a Bohemian tarter bully, tarries the comming downe of the fat woman: Let her descend bully, let her descend, my chambers are honorable, pah priuasie, fie.
Fal. Indeed mine host there was a fat woman with me,
But she is gone.
20 Sim. Pray sir, was it not the wise woman of Brainford?
Fal. Marry was it Musselshell, what would you?
Sim. Marry sir my maister Slender sent me to her,
To know whether one Nim that hath his chaine,
Cousoned him of it, or no.
XV. 25 Fal. I talked with the woman about it.
Sim. And I pray you sir what ses she?
Fal. Marry she ses the very same man that
Beguiled maister Slender of his chaine,
Cousoned him of it.
30 Sim. May I be bolde to tell my maister so sir?
Fal. I tike, who more bolde.
Sim. I thanke you sir, I shall make my maister a glad man at these tydings, God be with you sir.
Exit.
Host. Thou art clarkly sir Iohn, thou art clarkly,
35 Was there a wise woman with thee?
Fal. Marry was there mine host, one that taught
Me more wit then I learned this 7. yeare,
And I paid nothing for it,
But was paid for my learning.
40 Bar. O lord sir cousonage, plaine cousonage.
Host. Why man, where be my horses? where be the Germanes?
Bar. Rid away with your horses:
After I came beyond Maidenhead,
They flung me in a slow of myre, & away they ran.
45 Doc. Where be my Host de gartyre?
Host. O here sir in perplexitie.
Doc. I cannot tell vad be dad,
But begar I will tell you van ting,
Dear be a Garmaine Duke come to de Court,
XV. 50 Has cosened all the host of Branford,
And Redding: begar I tell you for good will,
Ha, ha, mine Host, am I euen met you?
Exit.
Sir Hu. Where is mine host of the gartyr?
Now my Host, I would desire you looke you now,
55 To haue a care of your entertainments,
For there is three sorts of cosen garmombles,
Is cosen all the Host of Maidenhead and Readings,
Now you are an honest man, and a scuruy beggerly lowsie knaue beside:
60 And can point wrong places,
I tell you for good will, grate why mine Host.
Exit.
Host. I am cosened Hugh, and coy Bardolfe,
Sweet knight assist me, I am cosened.
Exit.
Fal. Would all the worell were cosened for me,
65 For I am cousoned and beaten too.
Well, I neuer prospered since I forswore
Myselfe at Primero: and my winde
Were but long inough to say my prayers,
Ide repent, now from whence come you?
70 Quic. From the two parties forsooth.
Fal. The diuell take the one partie,
And his dam the other,
And theyle be both bestowed.
I haue endured more for their sakes,
XV. 75 Then man is able to endure.
Quic. O Lord sir, they are the sorowfulst creatures
That euer liued: specially mistresse Ford,
Her husband hath beaten her that she is all
Blacke and blew poore soule.
80 Fal. What tellest me of blacke and blew,
I haue bene beaten all the colours in the Rainbow,
And in my escape like to a bene apprehended
For a witch of Brainford, and set in the stockes.
Quic. Well sir, she is a sorrowfull woman,
85 And I hope when you heare my errant,
Youle be perswaded to the contrarie.
Fal. Come goe with me into my chamber, Ile heare thee.
Exit omnes.
Host. Speake not to me sir, my mind is heauie,
I haue had a great losse.
Fen. Yet heare me, and as I am a gentleman,
Ile giue you a hundred pound toward your losse.
5 Host. Well sir Ile heare you, and at least keep your counsell.
Fen. Then thus my host. Tis not vnknown to you,
The feruent loue I beare to young Anne Page,
And mutally her loue againe to mee:
But her father still against her choise,
10 Doth seeke to marrie her to foolish Slender,
And in a robe of white this night disguised,
Wherein fat Falstaffe had a mightie scare,
Must Slender take her and carrie her to Catlen,
And there vnknowne to any, marrie her.
15 Now her mother still against that match,
And firme for Doctor Cayus, in a robe of red
By her deuice, the Doctor must steale her thence,
And she hath giuen consent to goe with him.
Host. Now which meanes she to deceiue, father or mother?
20 Fen. Both my good Host, to go along with me.
Now here it rests, that you would procure a priest,
And tarry readie at the appointment place,
To giue our harts vnited matrimonie.
Host. But how will you come to steale her from among them?
XVI. 25 Fen. That hath sweet Nan and I agreed vpon,
And by a robe of white, the which she weares,
With ribones pendant flaring bout her head,
I shalbe sure to know her, and conuey her thence,
And bring her where the priest abides our comming,
30 And by thy furtherance there be married.
Host. Well, husband your deuice, Ile to the Vicar,
Bring you the maide, you shall not lacke a Priest.
Fen. So shall I euermore be bound vnto thee,
Besides Ile always be thy faithful friend.
Exit omnes.
Fal. This is the third time, well Ile venter,
They say there is good luck in old numbers,
[Ioue transform’d himselfe into a Bull,]
And I am here a Stag, and I thinke the fattest
5 In all Windsor forrest: well I stand here
For Horne the hunter, waiting my Does comming.
Mis. Pa. Sir Iohn, where are you?
Fal. Art thou come my doe? What and thou too?
Welcome Ladies.
10 Mi. For. I I sir Iohn, I see you will not faile,
Therefore you deserue far better then our loues,
But it grieues me for your late crosses.
Fal. This makes amends for all.
Come diuide me betweene you, each a hanch,
15 For my horns Ile bequeath them to your husbands,
Do I speake like Horne the hunter, ha?
Mis. Pa. God forgiue me, what noise is this?
There is a noise of hornes, the two women run away.
Quic: You Fayries that do haunt these shady groues,
Looke round about the wood if you can espie
A mortall that doth haunt our sacred round:
If such a one you can espy, giue him his due,
And leaue not till you pinch him blacke and blew:
Giue them their charge Puck ere they part away.
Sir Hu. Come hither Peane, goe to the countrie houses,
XVII. 25 And when you finde a slut that lies a sleepe,
And all her dishes foule, and roome vnswept,
With youre long nailes pinch her till she crie,
And sweare to mend her sluttish huswiferie.
Fai. I warrant you I will perform your will.
30 Hu. Where is Pead? Go and see where Brokers sleep,
And Foxe-eyed Seriants with their mase,
Goe laie the proctors in the street,
And pinch the lowsie Seriants face:
Spare none of these when they are a bed,
35 But such whose nose lookes plew and red.
Quic. Away begon, his mind fulfill,
And looke that none of you stand still.
Some do that thing, some do this,
All do something, none amis.
40 Hir Hu. I smell a man of middle earth.
Fal. God blesse me from that wealch Fairie.
Quic. Looke euery one about this round,
And if that any here be found,
For his presumption in this place,
45 Spare neither legge, arme, head, nor face.
Sir Hu. See I haue spied one by good luck,
His bodie man, his head a buck.
Fal. God send me good fortune now, and I care not.
Quick. Go strait, and do as I commaund,
XVII. 50 And take a Taper in your hand,
And set it to his fingers endes,
And if you see it him offends,
And that he starteth at the flame,
Then is he mortall, know his name:
55 If with an F. it doth begin,
Why then be shure he is full of sin.
About it then, and know the truth,
Of this same metamorphised youth.
Sir Hugh. Giue me the Tapers, I will try
60 And if that he loue venery.
They put the Tapers to his fingers, and he starts.
Sir Hu. It is right indeed, he is full of lecheries and iniquitie.
Quic. A little distant from him stand,
And euery one take hand in hand,
And compasse him within a ring,
65 First pinch him well, and after sing.
Fal. Horne the hunter quoth you: am I ghost?
Sblood the Fairies hath made a ghost of me:
What hunting at this time at night?
He lay my life the mad prince of Wales
70 Is stealing his fathers Deare. How now who haue we here, what is all Windsor stirring? Are you there?
Shal. God saue you sir Iohn Falstaffe.
Sir Hu. God plesse you sir Iohn, God plesse you.
Pa. Why how now sir Iohn, what a pair of horns in your XVII. 75 hand?
For. Those hornes he ment to place vpon my head,
And M. Brooke and he should be the men:
Why how now sir Iohn, why are you thus amazed?
We know the Fairies man that pinched you so,
80 Your throwing in the Thames, your beating well,
And what’s to come sir Iohn, that can we tell.
Mi. Pa. Sir Iohn tis thus, your dishonest meanes
To call our credits into question,
Did make vs vndertake to our best,
85 To turn your leaud lust to a merry Iest.
Fal. Iest, tis well, haue I liued to these yeares
To be gulled now, now to be ridden?
Why then these were not Fairies?
Mis. Pa. No sir Iohn but boyes.
90 Fal. By the Lord I was twice or thrise in the mind
They were not, and yet the grosnesse
Of the fopperie perswaded me they were.
Well, and the fine wits of the Court heare this,
Thayle so whip me with their keene Iests,
95 That thayle melt me out like tallow,
Drop by drop out of my grease. Boyes!
Fal. I, tis well I am your May-pole,
XVII. 100 You haue the start of mee,
Am I ridden too with a wealch goate?
With a peece of toasted cheese?
Sir Hu. Butter is better then cheese sir Iohn,
You are all butter, butter.
105 For. There is a further matter yet sir Iohn,
There’s 20. pound you borrowed of M. Brooke sir Iohn,
And it must be paid to M. Ford sir Iohn.
Mi. For. Nay husband let that go to make amends,
Forgiue that sum, and so weele all be friends.
110 For. Well here is my hand, all’s forgiuen at last.
Fal. It hath cost me well,
I haue beene well pinched and washed.
Mi. Pa. Now M. Doctor, sonne I hope you are.
Doct. Sonne begar you be de ville voman,
115 Begar I tinck to marry metres An, and begar
Tis a whorson garson Iack boy.
Mis. Pa. How a boy?
Doct. I begar a boy.
Pa. Nay be not angry wife, Ile tell thee true,
120 It was my plot to deceiue thee so:
And by this time your daughter’s married
To M. Slender, and see where he comes.
Now sonne Slender,
Where’s your bride?
XVII. 125 Slen. Bride, by Gods lyd I thinke theres neuer a man in the worell hath that crosse fortune that I haue: begod I could cry for verie anger.
Page. Why whats the matter sonne Slender?
Slen. Sonne, nay by God I am none of your son.
130 Pa. No, why so?
Slen. Why so God saue me, tis a boy that I haue married.
Page. How, a boy? why did you mistake the word?
Slen. No neither, for I came to her in red as you bad me, and I cried mum, and hee cried budget, so well as euer you heard, and I 135 haue married him.
Sir Hugh. Ieshu M. Slender, cannot you see but marrie boyes?
Pa. O I am vext at hart, what shal I do?
Mis. Pa. Here comes the man that hath deceiued vs all:
How now daughter, where haue you bin?
140 An. At Curch forsooth.
Pa. At Church, what haue you done there?
Fen. Married to me, nay sir neuer storme,
Tis done sir now, and cannot be vndone.
Ford: Ifaith M. Page neuer chafe your selfe,
145 She hath made her choise wheras her hart was fixt,
Then tis in vaine for you to storme or fret.
Fal. I am glad yet that your arrow hath glanced.
Mi. For. Come mistris Page, Ile be bold with you,
Tis pitie to part loue that is so true.
XVII. 150 Mis. Pa. Altho that I haue missed in my intent,
Yet I am glad my husbands match was crossed,
Here M. Fenton, take her, and God giue thee ioy.
Sir Hu: Come M. Page, you must needs agree.
Fo. I yfaith sir come, you see your wife is wel pleased:
155 Pa. I cannot tel, and yet my hart’s well eased,
And yet it doth me good the Doctor missed.
Come hither Fenton, and come hither daughter,
Go too you might haue stai’d for my good will,
But since your choise is made of one you loue,
160 Here take her Fenton, & both happie proue.
Sir. Hu. I wil also dance & eate plums at your weddings.
For. All parties pleased, now let vs in to feast,
And laugh at Slender and the Doctors ieast.
He hath got the maiden, each of you a boy
165 To waite vpon you, so God giue you ioy,
And sir Iohn Falstaffe now shal you keep your word,
For Brooke this night shall lye with mistris Ford.
Exit omnes.