I remain with respectful affection,
Ever yours,
Henry Murray.
Mrs. Julia Freeman,
Philadelphia.
18.—From a Lady to an Inconstant Lover.
Dear Harry:
It is with great reluctance that I enter upon a subject which has given me great pain, and upon which silence has become impossible if I would preserve my self-respect. You cannot but be aware that I have just reason for saying that you have much displeased me. You have apparently forgotten what is due to me, circumstanced as we are, thus far at least. You cannot suppose that I can tamely see you disregard my feelings, by conduct toward other ladies from which I should naturally have the right to expect you to abstain. I am not so vulgar a person as to be jealous. When there is cause to infer changed feelings, or unfaithfulness to promises of constancy, jealousy is not the remedy. What the remedy is I need not say—we both of us have it in our hands. I am sure you will agree with me that we must come to some understanding by which the future shall be governed. Neither you nor I can bear a divided allegiance. Believe me that I write more in sorrow than in anger. You have made me very unhappy, and perhaps thoughtlessly. But it will take much to reassure me of your unaltered regard.
Yours truly,
Emma.
1. It takes acquaintance to found a noble esteem, but politeness prepares the way. Indeed, as Montaigne says, Courtesy begets esteem at sight. Urbanity is half of affability, and affability is a charm worth possessing.
2. A pleasing demeanor is often the scales by which the pagan weighs the Christian. It is not virtue, but virtue inspires it. There are circumstances in which it takes a great and strong soul to pass under the little yoke of courtesy, but it is a passport to a greater soul standard.
3. Matthew Arnold says, "Conduct is three-fourths of character," and Christian benignity draws the line for conduct. A high sense of rectitude, a lowly soul, with a pure and kind heart are elements of nobility which will work out in the life of a human being at home—everywhere. "Private refinement makes public gentility."
4. If you would conciliate the favor of men, rule your resentment. Remember that if you permit revenge or malice to occupy your soul, you are ruined.
5. Cultivate a happy temper; banish the blues; a cheerful saguine spirit begets cheer and hope.
6. Be trustworthy and be trustful.
7. Do not place a light estimate upon the arts of good reading and good expression; they will yield perpetual interest.
8. Study to keep versed in world events as well as in local occurrences, but abhor gossip, and above all scandal.
9. Banish a self-conscience spirit—the source of much awkwardness—with a constant aim to make others happy. Remember that it is incumbent upon gentlemen and ladies alike to be neat in habits.
10. The following is said to be a correct posture for walking. Head erect—not too rigid—chin in, shoulders back. Permit no unnecessary motion about the thighs. Do not lean over to one side in walking, standing or sitting; the practice is not only ungraceful, but it is deforming and therefore unhealthful.
11. Beware of affectation and of Beau Brummel airs.
12. If the hands are allowed to swing in walking, the arc should be limited, and the lady will manage them much more gracefully, if they almost touch the clothing.
13. A lady should not stand with her hands behind her. We could almost say, forget the hands except to keep them clean, including the nails, cordial and helpful. One hand may rest easily in the other. Study repose of attitude here as well as in the rest of the body.
14. Gestures are for emphasis in public speaking; do not point elsewhere, as a rule.
15. Greet your acquaintances as you meet them with a slight bow and smile, as you speak.
16. Look the person to whom you speak in the eye. Never under any circumstances wink at another or communicate by furtive looks.
17. Should you chance to be the rejected suitor of a lady, bear in mind your own self-respect, as well as the inexorable laws of society, and bow politely when you meet her. Reflect that you do not stand before all woman-kind as you do at her bar. Do not resent the bitterness of flirtation. No lady or gentleman will flirt. Remember ever that painful prediscovery is better than later disappointment. Let such experience spur you to higher exertion.
18. Discretion should be exercised in introducing persons. Of two gentlemen who are introduced, if one is superior in rank or age, he is the one to whom the introduction should be made. Of two social equals, if one be a stranger in the place, his name should be mentioned first.
19. In general the simpler the introduction the better.
20. Before introducing a gentleman to a lady, remember that she is entitled to hold you responsible for the acquaintance. The lady is the one to whom the gentleman is presented, which may be done thus: "Miss A, permit me to introduce to you my friend, Mr. B."; or, "Miss A., allow me to introduce Mr. B." If mutual and near friends of yours, say simply, "Miss A., Mr. B."
21. Receive the introduction with a slight bow and the acknowledgment, "Miss A., I am happy to make your acquaintance"; or, "Mr. B., I am pleased to meet you." There is no reason why such stereotyped expressions should always be used, but something similar is expected. Do not extend the hand usually.
22. A true lady will avoid familiarity in her deportment towards gentlemen. A young lady should not permit her gentlemen friends to address her by her home name, and the reverse is true. Use the title Miss and Mr. respectively.
23. Ladies should be frank and cordial towards their lady friends, but never gushing.
24. Should you meet a friend twice or oftener, at short intervals, it is polite to bow slightly each time after the first.
25. A lady on meeting a gentleman with whom she has slight acquaintance will make a medium bow—neither too decided nor too slight or stiff.
26. For a gentleman to take a young lady's arm, is to intimate that she is feeble, and young ladies resent the mode.
27. If a young lady desires to visit any public place where she expects to meet a gentleman acquaintance, she should have a chaperon to accompany her, a person of mature years when possible, and never a giddy girl.
28. A lady should not ask a gentleman to walk with her.
1. If you desire to be respected, keep clean. The finest attire and decorations will add nothing to the appearance or beauty of an untidy person.
2. Clean clothing, clean skin, clean hands, including the nails, and clean, white teeth, are a requisite passport for good society.
3. A bad breath should be carefully remedied, whether it proceeds from the stomach or from decayed teeth.
4. To pick the nose, finger about the ears, or scratch the head or any other part of the person, in company, is decidedly vulgar.
5. When you call at any private residence, do not neglect to clean your shoes thoroughly.
6. A gentleman should always remove his hat in the presence of ladies, except out of doors, and then he should lift or touch his hat in salutation. On meeting a lady a well-bred gentleman will always lift his hat.
7. An invitation to a lecture, concert, or other entertainment, may be either verbal or written, but should always be made at least twenty-four hours before the time.
8. On entering a hall or church the gentleman should precede the lady in walking up the aisle, or walk by her side, if the aisle is broad enough.
9. A gentleman should always precede a lady upstairs, and follow her downstairs.
10. Visitors should always observe the customs of the church with reference to standing, sitting, or kneeling during the services.
11. On leaving a hall or church at the close of entertainment or services, the gentleman should precede the lady.
12. A gentleman walking with a lady should carry the parcels, and never allow the lady to be burdened with anything of the kind.
13. A gentleman meeting a lady on the street and wishing to speak to her, should never detain her, but may turn around and walk in the same direction she is going, until the conversation is completed.
14. If a lady is traveling with a gentleman, simply as a friend, she should place the amount of her expenses in his hands, or insist on paying the bills herself.
15. Never offer a lady costly gifts unless you are engaged to her, for it looks as if you were trying to purchase her goodwill; and when you make a present to a lady use no ceremony whatever.
16. Never carry on a private conversation in company. If secrecy is necessary, withdraw from the company.
17. Never sit with your back to another without asking to be excused.
18. It is as unbecoming for a gentleman to sit with legs crossed as it is for a lady.
19. Never thrum with your fingers, rub your hands, yawn, or sigh aloud in company.
20. Loud laughter, loud talking, or other boisterous manifestations should be checked in the society of others, especially on the street and in public places.
21. When you are asked to sing or play in company, do so without being urged, or refuse in a way that shall be final; and when music is being rendered in company, show politeness to the musician by giving attention. It is very impolite to keep up a conversation. If you do not enjoy the music, keep silent.
22. Contentions, contradictions, etc., in society should be carefully avoided.
23. Pulling out your watch in company, unless asked the time of day, is a mark of the demi-bred. It looks as if you were tired of the company and the time dragged heavily.
24. You should never decline to be introduced to any one or all of the guests present at a party to which you have been invited.
25. A gentleman who escorts a lady to a party, or who has a lady placed under his care, is under particular obligations to attend to her wants and see that she has proper attention. He should introduce her to others, and endeavor to make the evening pleasant. He should escort her to the supper table and provide for her wants.
26. To take small children or dogs with you on a visit of ceremony is altogether vulgar, though in visiting familiar friends, children are not objectionable.
In the matter of making calls it is the correct thing:
For the caller who arrived first to leave first.
To return a first call within a week and in person.
To call promptly and in person after a first invitation.
For the mother or chaperon to invite a gentleman to call.
To call within a week after any entertainment to which one has been invited.
You should call upon an acquaintance who has recently returned from a prolonged absence.
It is proper to make the first call upon people in a higher social position, if one is asked to do so.
It is proper to call, after an engagement has been announced, or a marriage has taken place, in the family.
For the older residents in the city or street to call upon the newcomers to their neighborhood is a long recognized custom.
It is proper, after a removal from one part of the city to another, to send out cards with one's new address upon them.
To ascertain what are the prescribed hours for calling in the place where one is living, or making a visit, and to adhere to those hours is a duty that must not be overlooked.
A gentleman should ask for the lady of the house as well as the young ladies, and leave cards for her as well as for the head of the family.
Don't say Miss or Mister without the person's name.
Don't say pants for trousers.
Don't say gents for gentlemen.
Don't say female for woman.
Don't say elegant to mean everything that pleases you.
Don't say genteel for well-bred.
Don't say ain't for isn't.
Don't say I done it for I did it.
Don't say he is older than me; say older than I.
Don't say she does not see any; say she does not see at all.
Don't say not as I know; say not that I know.
Don't say he calculates to get off; say he expects to get off.
Don't say he don't; say he doesn't.
Don't say she is some better; say she is somewhat better.
Don't say where are you stopping? say where are you staying?
Don't say you was; say you were.
Don't say I say, says I, but simply say I said.
Don't sign your letters yours etc., but yours truly.
Don't say lay for lie; lay expresses action; lie expresses rest.
Don't say them bonnets; say those bonnets.
Don't say party for person.
Don't say it looks beautifully, but say it looks beautiful.
Don't say feller, winder, to-morrer, for fellow, window, tomorrow.
Don't use slangy words; they are vulgar.
Don't use profane words; they are sinful and foolish.
Don't say it was her, when you mean it was she.
Don't say not at once for at once.
Don't say he gave me a recommend, but say he gave me a recommendation.
Don't say the two first for the first two.
Don't say he learnt me French; say he taught me French.
Don't say lit the fire; say lighted the fire.
Don't say the man which you saw; say the man whom you saw.
Don't say who done it; say who did it.
Don't say if I was rich I would buy a carriage; say if I were rich.
Don't say if I am not mistaken you are in the wrong; say if I mistake not.
Don't say who may you be; say who are you?
Don't say go lay down; say go lie down.
Don't say he is taller than me; say taller than I.
Don't say I shall call upon him; say I shall call on him.
Don't say I bought a new pair of shoes; say I bought a pair of new shoes.
Don't say I had rather not; say I would rather not.
Don't say two spoonsful; say two spoonfuls.
Don't let one day pass without a thorough cleansing of your person.
Don't sit down to your evening meal before a complete toilet if you have company.
Don't cleanse your nails, your nose or your ears in public.
Don't use hair dye, hair oil or pomades.
Don't wear evening dress in daytime.
Don't wear jewelry of a gaudy character; genuine jewelry modestly worn is not out of place.
Don't overdress yourself or walk affectedly.
Don't wear slippers or dressing-gown or smoking-jacket out of your own house.
Don't sink your hands in your trousers' pockets.
Don't whistle in public places, nor inside of houses either.
Don't use your fingers or fists to beat a tattoo upon floor, desk or window panes.
Don't examine other people's papers or letters scattered on their desk.
Don't bring a smell of spirits or tobacco into the presence of ladies.
Never use either in the presence of ladies.
Don't drink spirits; millions have tried it to their sorrow.
1. Your conduct on the street should always be modest and dignified. Ladies should carefully avoid all loud and boisterous conversation or laughter and all undue liveliness in public.
2. When walking on the street do not permit yourself to be absent-minded, as to fail to recognize a friend; do not go along reading a book or newspaper.
3. In walking with a lady on the street give her the inner side of the walk, unless the outside is the safer part; in which case she is entitled to it.
4. Your arm should not be given to any lady except your wife or a near relative, or a very old lady, during the day, unless her comfort or safety requires it. At night the arm should always be offered; also in ascending the steps of a public building.
5. In crossing the street a lady should gracefully raise her dress a little above her ankle with one hand. To raise the dress with both hands is vulgar, except in places where the mud is very deep.
6. A gentleman meeting a lady acquaintance on the street should not presume to join her in her walk without first asking her permission.
7. If you have anything to say to a lady whom you may happen to meet in the street, however intimate you may be, do not stop her, but turn round and walk in company with her; you can take leave at the end of the street.
8. A lady should not venture out upon the street alone after dark. By so doing she compromises her dignity, and exposes herself to indignity at the hands of the rougher class.
9. Never offer to shake hands with a lady in the street if you have on dark or soiled gloves, as you may soil hers.
10. A lady does not form acquaintances upon the street, or seek to attract the attention of the other sex or of persons of her own sex. Her conduct is always modest and unassuming. Neither does a lady demand services or favors from a gentleman. She accepts them graciously, always expressing her thanks. A gentleman will not stand on the street corners, or in hotel doorways, or store windows and gaze impertinently at ladies as they pass by. This is the exclusive business of loafers.
11. In walking with a lady who has your arm, should you have to cross the street, do not disengage your arm and go around upon the outside, unless the lady's comfort renders it necessary. In walking with a lady, where it is necessary for you to proceed singly, always go before her.
1. A lady should be a lady, and a gentleman a gentleman under any and all circumstances.
2. Female Indifference to Man.—There is nothing that affects the nature and pleasure of man so much as a proper and friendly recognition from a lady, and as women are more or less dependent upon man's good-will, either for gain or pleasure, it surely stands to their interest to be reasonably pleasant and courteous in his presence or society. Indifference is always a poor investment, whether in society or business.
3. Gallantry and Ladyism should be a prominent feature in the education of young people. Politeness to ladies cultivates the intellect and refines the soul, and he who can be easy and entertaining in the society of ladies has mastered one of the greatest accomplishments. There is nothing taught in school, academy or college, that contributes so much to the happiness of man as a full development of his social and moral qualities.
4. Ladylike Etiquette.—No woman can afford to treat men rudely. A lady must have a high intellectual and moral ideal and hold herself above reproach. She must remember that the art of pleasing and entertaining gentlemen is infinitely more ornamental than laces, ribbons or diamonds. Dress and glitter may please man, but it will never benefit him.
5. Cultivate Deficiencies.—Men and women poorly sexed treat each other with more or less indifference, whereas a hearty sexuality inspires both to a right estimation of the faculties and qualities of each other. Those who are deficient should seek society and overcome their deficiencies. While some naturally inherit faculties as entertainers, others are compelled to acquire them by cultivation.
6. Ladies' Society.—He who seeks ladies' society should seek an education and should have a pure heart and a pure mind. Read good, pure and wholesome literature and study human nature, and you will always be a favorite in the society circle.
7. Woman Haters.—Some men with little refinement and strong sensual feelings virtually insult and thereby disgust and repel every female they meet. They look upon woman with an inherent vulgarity, and doubt the virtue and integrity of all alike. But it is because they are generally insincere and impure themselves, and with such a nature culture and refinement are out of the question, there must be a revolution.
8. Men Haters.—Women who look upon all men as odious, corrupt or hateful, are no doubt so themselves, though they may be clad in silk and sparkle with diamonds and be as pretty as a lily; but their hypocrisy will out, and they can never win the heart of a faithful, conscientious and well balanced man. A good woman has broad ideas and great sympathy. She respects all men until they are proven unworthy.
9. Fond of Children.—The man who is naturally fond of children will make a good husband and a good father. So it behooves the young man, to notice children and cultivate the art of pleasing them. It will be a source of interest, education and permanent benefit to all.
10. Excessive Luxury.—Although the association with ladies is an expensive luxury, yet it is not an expensive education. It elevates, refines, sanctifies and purifies, and improves the whole man. A young man who has a pure and genuine respect for ladies, will not only make a good husband, but a good citizen as well.
11. Masculine Attention.—No woman is entitled to any more attention than her loveliness and ladylike conduct will command. Those who are most pleasing will receive the most attention, and those who desire more should aspire to acquire more by cultivating those graces and virtues which ennoble woman, but no lady should lower or distort her own true ideal, or smother and crucify her conscience, in order to please any living man. A good man will admire a good woman, and deceptions cannot long be concealed. Her show of dry goods or glitter of jewels cannot long cover up her imperfections or deceptions.
12. Purity.—Purity of purpose will solve all social problems. Let all stand on this exalted sexual platform, and teach every man just how to treat the female sex, and every woman how to behave towards the masculine; and it will incomparably adorn the manners of both, make both happy in each other, and mutually develop each other's sexuality and humanity.
1. Help ladies with a due appreciation; do not overload the plate of any person you serve. Never pour gravy on a plate without permission. It spoils the meat for some persons.
2. Never put anything by force upon any one's plate. It is extremely ill-bred, though extremely common, to press one to eat of anything.
3. If at dinner you are requested to help any one to sauce or gravy, do not pour it over the meat or vegetables, but on one side of them. Never load down a person's plate with anything.
4. As soon as you are helped, begin to eat, or at least begin to occupy yourself with what you have before you. Do not wait till your neighbors are served—a custom that was long ago abandoned.
5. Should you, however, find yourself at a table where they have the old-fashioned steel forks, eat with your knife, as the others do, and do not let it be seen that you have any objection to doing so.
6. Bread should be broken. To butter a large piece of bread and then bite it, as children do, is something the knowing never do.
7. In eating game or poultry do not touch the bones with your fingers. To take a bone in the fingers for the purpose of picking it, is looked upon as being very inelegant.
8. Never use your own knife or fork to help another. Use rather the knife or fork of the person you help.
9. Never send your knife or fork, or either of them, on your plate when you send for second supply.
10. Never turn your elbows out when you use your knife and fork. Keep them close to your sides.
11. Whenever you use your fingers to convey anything to your mouth or to remove anything from the mouth, let it be the fingers of the left hand.
12. Tea, coffee, chocolate and the like are drank from the cup and never from the saucer.
13. In masticating your food, keep your mouth shut; otherwise you will make a noise that will be very offensive to those around you.
14. Don't attempt to talk with a full mouth. One thing at a time is as much as any man can do well.
15. Should you find a worm or insect in your food, say nothing about it.
16. If a dish is distasteful to you, decline it, and without comment.
17. Never put bones or bits of fruit on the table cloth. Put them on the side of your plate.
18. Do not hesitate to take the last piece on the dish, simply because it is the last. To do so is to directly express the fear that you would exhaust the supply.
19. If you would be what you would like to be—abroad, take care that you are what you would like to be—at home.
20. Avoid picking your teeth at the table if possible; but if you must, do it, if you can, where you are not observed.
21. If an accident of any kind soever should occur during dinner, the cause being who or what it may, you should not seem to note it.
22. Should you be so unfortunate as to overturn or to break anything, you should make no apology. You might let your regret appear in your face, but it would not be proper to put it in words.
Man in Society is like a flower,
Blown in its native bed. 'Tis there alone
His faculties expanded in full bloom
Shine out, there only reach their proper use.—Cowper.
The primal duties shine aloft like stars;
The charities that soothe, and heal, and bless,
Are scatter'd at the feet of man like flowers.—Wordsworth.
1. Membership in Society.—Many fail to get hold of the idea that they are members of society. They seem to suppose that the social machinery of the world is self-operating. They cast their first ballot with an emotion of pride, perhaps, but are sure to pay their first tax with a groan. They see political organizations in active existence; the parish, and the church, and other important bodies that embrace in some form of society all men, are successfully operated; and yet these young men have no part or lot in the matter. They do not think of giving a day's time to society.
2. Begin Early.—One of the first things a young man should do is to see that he is acting his part in society. The earlier this is begun the better. I think that the opponents of secret societies in colleges have failed to estimate the benefit which it must be to every member to be obliged to contribute to the support of his particular organization, and to assume personal care and responsibility as a member. If these societies have a tendency to teach the lessons of which I speak, they are a blessed thing.
3. Do Your Part.—Do your part, and be a man among men. Assume your portion of social responsibility, and see that you discharge it well. If you do not do this, then you are mean, and society has the right to despise you just as much as it chooses to do so. You are, to use a word more emphatic than agreeable, a sneak, and have not a claim upon your neighbors for a single polite word.
4. A Whining Complainer.—Society, as it is called, is far more apt to pay its dues to the individual than the individual to society. Have you, young man, who are at home whining over the fact that you cannot get into society, done anything to give you a claim to social recognition? Are you able to make any return for social recognition and social privileges? Do you know anything? What kind of coin do you propose to pay in the discharge of the obligation which comes upon you with social recognition? In other words, as a return for what you wish to have society do for you, what can you do for society? This is a very important question—more important to you than to society. The question is, whether you will be a member of society by right, or by courtesy. If you have so mean a spirit as to be content to be a beneficiary of society—to receive favors and to confer none—you have no business in the society to which you aspire. You are an exacting, conceited fellow.
5. What Are You Good For?—Are you a good beau, and are you willing to make yourself useful in waiting on the ladies on all occasions? Have you a good set of teeth, which you are willing to show whenever the wit of the company gets off a good thing? Are you a true, straightforward, manly fellow, with whose healthful and uncorrupted nature it is good for society to come in contact? In short, do you possess anything of any social value? If you do, and are willing to impart it, society will yield itself to your touch. If you have nothing, then society, as such, owes you nothing. Christian philanthropy may put its arm around you, as a lonely young man, about to spoil for want of something, but it is very sad and humiliating for a young man to be brought to that. There are people who devote themselves to nursing young men, and doing them good. If they invite you to tea, go by all means, and try your hand. If, in the course of the evening, you can prove to them that your society is desirable, you have won a point. Don't be patronized.
6. The Morbid Condition.—Young men, you are apt to get into a morbid state of mind, which declines them to social intercourse. They become devoted to business with such exclusiveness, that all social intercourse is irksome. They go out to tea as if they were going to jail, and drag themselves to a party as to an execution. This disposition is thoroughly morbid, and to be overcome by going where you are invited, always, and with a sacrifice of feeling.
7. The Common Blunder.—Don't shrink from contact with anything but bad morals. Men who affect your unhealthy minds with antipathy, will prove themselves very frequently to be your best friends and most delightful companions. Because a man seems uncongenial to you, who are squeamish and foolish, you have no right to shun him. We become charitable by knowing men. We learn to love those whom we have despised by rubbing against them. Do you not remember some instance of meeting a man or woman whom you had never previously known or cared to know—an individual, perhaps, against whom you have entertained the strongest prejudices—but to whom you became bound by a lifelong friendship through the influence of a three days' intercourse? Yet, if you had not thus met, you would have carried through life the idea that it would be impossible for you to give your fellowship to such an individual.
8. The Foolishness of Man.—God has introduced into human character infinite variety, and for you to say that you do not love and will not associate with a man because he is unlike you, is not only foolish but wrong. You are to remember that in the precise manner and decree in which a man differs from you, do you differ from him; and that from his standpoint you are naturally as repulsive to him, as he, from your standpoint, is to you. So, leave all this talk of congeniality to silly girls and transcendental dreamers.
9. Do Business in Your Way and Be Honest.—Do your business in your own way, and concede to every man the privilege which you claim for yourself. The more you mix with men, the less you will be disposed to quarrel, and the more charitable and liberal will you become. The fact that you do not understand a man, is quite as likely to be your fault as his. There are a good many chances in favor of the conclusion that, if you fail to like an individual whose acquaintance you make it is through your own ignorance and illiberality. So I say, meet every man honestly; seek to know him; and you will find that in those points in which he differs from you rests his power to instruct you, enlarge you, and do you good. Keep your heart open for everybody, and be sure that you shall have your reward. You shall find a jewel under the most uncouth exterior; and associated with homeliest manners and oddest ways and ugliest faces, you will find rare virtues, fragrant little humanities, and inspiring heroisms.
10. Without Society, Without Influence.—Again: you can have no influence unless you are social. An unsocial man is as devoid of influence as an ice-peak is of verdure. It is through social contact and absolute social value alone that you can accomplish any great social good. It is through the invisible lines which you are able to attach to the minds with which you are brought into association alone that you can tow society, with its deeply freighted interests, to the great haven of your hope.
11. The Revenge of Society.—The revenge which society takes upon the man who isolates himself, is as terrible as it is inevitable. The pride which sits alone will have the privilege of sitting alone in its sublime disgust till it drops into the grave. The world sweeps by the man, carelessly, remorselessly, contemptuously. He has no hold upon society, because he is no part of it.
12. The Conclusion of the Whole Matter.—You cannot move men until you are one of them. They will not follow you until they have heard your voice, shaken your hand, and fully learned your principles and your sympathies. It makes no difference how much you know, or how much you are capable of doing. You may pile accomplishment upon acquisition mountain high; but if you fail to be a social man, demonstrating to society that your lot is with the rest, a little child with a song in its mouth, and a kiss for all and a pair of innocent hands to lay upon the knees, shall lead more hearts and change the direction of more lives than you.
1. Beautiful Behavior.—Politeness has been described as the art of showing, by external signs, the internal regard we have for others. But one may be perfectly polite to another without necessarily paying a special regard for him. Good manners are neither more nor less than beautiful behavior. It has been well said that "a beautiful form is better than a beautiful face, and a beautiful behavior is better than a beautiful form; it gives a higher pleasure than statues or pictures—it is the finest of the fine arts."
2. True Politeness.—The truest politeness comes of sincerity. It must be the outcome of the heart, or it will make no lasting impression; for no amount of polish can dispense with truthfulness. The natural character must be allowed to appear, freed of its angularities and asperities. Though politeness, in its best form, should resemble water—"best when clearest, most simple, and without taste"—yet genius in a man will always cover many defects of manner, and much will be excused to the strong and the original. Without genuineness and individuality, human life would lose much of its interest and variety, as well as its manliness and robustness of character.
3. Personality of Others.—True politeness especially exhibits itself in regard for the personality of others. A man will respect the individuality of another if he wishes to be respected himself. He will have due regard for his views and opinions, even though they differ from his own. The well-mannered man pays a compliment to another, and sometimes even secures his respect by patiently listening to him. He is simply tolerant and forbearant, and refrains from judging harshly; and harsh judgments of others will almost invariably provoke harsh judgments of ourselves.
4. The Impolite.—The impolite, impulsive man will, however, sometimes rather lose his friend than his joke. He may surely be pronounced a very foolish person who secures another's hatred at the price of a moment's gratification. It was a saying of Burnel, the engineer—himself one of the kindest-natured of men—that "spite and ill-nature are among the most expensive luxuries in life." Dr. Johnson once said: "Sir, a man has no more right to say a rude thing to another than to knock him down."
5. Feelings of Others.—Want of respect for the feelings of others usually originates in selfishness, and issues in hardness and repulsiveness of manner. It may not proceed from malignity so much, as from want of sympathy, and want of delicacy—a want of that perception of, and attention to, those little and apparently trifling things, by which pleasure is given or pain occasioned to others. Indeed, it may be said that in self-sacrifice in the ordinary intercourse of life, mainly consists the difference between being well and ill bred. Without some degree of self-restraint in society a man may be found almost insufferable. No one has pleasure in holding intercourse with such a person, and he is a constant source of annoyance to those about him.
6. Disregard of Others.—Men may show their disregard to others in various impolite ways, as, for instance, by neglect of propriety in dress, by the absence of cleanliness, or by indulging in repulsive habits. The slovenly, dirty person, by rendering himself physically disagreeable, sets the tastes and feelings of others at defiance, and is rude and uncivil, only under another form.
7. The Best School of Politeness.—The first and best school of politeness, as of character, is always the home, where woman is the teacher. The manners of society at large are but the reflex of the manners of our collective homes, neither better nor worse. Yet, with all the disadvantages of ungenial homes, men may practice self-culture of manner as of intellect, and learn by good examples to cultivate a graceful and agreeable behavior towards others. Most men are like so many gems in the rough, which need polishing by contact with other and better natures, to bring out their full beauty and lustre. Some have but one side polished, sufficient only to show the delicate graining of the interior; but to bring out the full qualities of the gem, needs the discipline of experience, and contact with the best examples of character in the intercourse of daily life.
8. Captiousness of Manner.—While captiousness of manner, and the habit of disputing and contradicting every thing said, is chilling and repulsive, the opposite habit of assenting to, and sympathizing with, every statement made, or emotion expressed, is almost equally disagreeable. It is unmanly, and is felt to be dishonest. "It may seem difficult," says Richard Sharp, "to steer always between bluntness and plain dealing, between merited praises and lavishing indiscriminate flattery; but it is very easy—good humor, kindheartedness, and perfect simplicity, being all that are requisite to do what is right in the right way." At the same time many are impolite, not because they mean to be so, but because they are awkward, and perhaps know no better.
9. Shy People.—Again many persons are thought to be stiff, reserved, and proud, when they are only shy. Shyness is characteristic of most people of the Teutonic race. From all that can be learned of Shakespeare, it is to be inferred that he was an exceedingly shy man. The manner in which his plays were sent into the world—for it is not known that he edited or authorized the publication of a single one of them,—and the dates at which they respectively appeared, are mere matters of conjecture.
10. Self-Forgetfulness.—True politeness is best evinced by self-forgetfulness, or self-denial in the interest of others. Mr. Garfield, our martyred president, was a gentleman of royal type. His friend, Col. Rockwell, says of him: "In the midst of his suffering he never forgets others. For instance, to-day he said to me, 'Rockwell, there is a poor soldier's widow who came to me before this thing occurred, and I promised her, she should be provided for. I want you to see that the matter is attended to at once.' He is the most docile patient I ever saw."
11. Its Bright Side.—We have thus far spoken of shyness as a defect. But there is another way of looking at it; for even shyness has its bright side, and contains an element of good. Shy men and shy races are ungraceful and undemonstrative, because, as regards society at large, they are comparatively unsociable. They do not possess those elegancies of manner acquired by free intercourse, which distinguish the social races, because their tendency is to shun society rather than to seek it. They are shy in the presence of strangers, and shy even in their own families. They hide their affections under a robe of reserve, and when they do give way to their feelings, it is only in some very hidden inner chamber. And yet, the feelings are there, and not the less healthy and genuine, though they are not made the subject of exhibition to others.
12. Worthy of Cultivation.—While, therefore, grace of manner, politeness of behavior, elegance of demeanor, and all the arts that contribute to make life pleasant and beautiful, are worthy of cultivation, it must not be at the expense of the more solid and enduring qualities of honesty, sincerity, and truthfulness. The fountain of beauty must be in the heart more than in the eye, and if it does not tend to produce beautiful life and noble practice, it will prove of comparatively little avail. Politeness of manner is not worth much, unless it is accompanied by polite actions.