O Cynthia, hast thou lost thy mind?
Have I no claim on thine affection?
Dost love the chill Illyrian wind
With something passing predilection?
And is thy friend—whoe'er he be—
The kind to take the place of me?
Ah, canst thou bear the surging deep?
Canst thou endure the hard ship's-mattress?
For scant will be thy hours of sleep
From Staten Island to Cape Hatt'ras;
And won't thy fairy feet be froze
With treading on the foreign snows?
I hope that doubly blows the gale,
With billows twice as high as ever,
So that the captain, fain to sail,
May not achieve his mad endeavour!
The winds, when that they cease to roar,
Shall find me wailing on the shore.
Yet merit thou my love or wrath,
O False, I pray that Galatea
May smile upon thy watery path!
A pleasant trip,—that's the idea.
Light of my life, there never shall
For me be any other gal.
And sailors, as they hasten past,
Will always have to hear my query:
"Where have you seen my Cynthia last?
Has anybody seen my dearie?"
I'll shout: "In Malden or Marquette
Where'er she be, I'll have her yet!"
Fragment
"Militis in galea nidum fecere columbæ."—PETRONIUS
Within the soldier's helmet see
The nesting dove;
Venus and Mars, it seems to me,
In love.
On the Uses of Adversity
"Nam nihil est, quod non mortalibus afferat usum."—PETRONIUS
Nothing there is that mortal man may utterly despise;
What in our wealth we treasured, in our poverty we prize.
The gold upon a sinking ship has often wrecked the boat,
While on a simple oar a shipwrecked man may keep afloat.
The burglar seeks the plutocrat, attracted by his dress—
The poor man finds his poverty the true preparedness.
After Hearing "Robin Hood"
The songs of Sherwood Forest
Are lilac-sweet and clear;
The virile rhymes of merrier times
Sound fair upon mine ear.
Sweet is their sylvan cadence
And sweet their simple art.
The balladry of the greenwood tree
Stirs memories in my heart.
O braver days and elder
With mickle valour dight,
How ye bring back the time, alack!
When Harry Smith could write!
Maud Muller Mutatur
In 1909 toilet goods were
not considered a serious
matter and no special department
of the catalogs
was devoted to it. A few
perfumes and creams were
scattered here and there
among bargain goods.
In 1919 an assortment of
perfumes that would rival
any city department store
is shown, along with six
pages of other toilet articles,
including rouge and
eyebrow pencils.
—From "How the Farmer Has Changed in a Decade:
Toilet Goods," in Farm and Fireside's advertisement.
Maud Muller, on a summer's day,
Powdered her nose with Bon Sachet.
Beneath her lingerie hat appeared
Eyebrows and cheeks that were well veneered.
Singing she rocked on the front piazz,
To the tune of "The Land of the Sky Blue Jazz."
But the song expired on the summer air,
And she said "This won't get me anywhere."
The judge in his car looked up at her
And signalled "Stop!" to his brave chauffeur.
He smiled a smile that is known as broad,
And he said to Miss Muller, "Hello, how's Maud?"
"What sultry weather this is? Gee whiz!"
Said Maud. Said the judge, "I'll say it is."
"Your coat is heavy. Why don't you shed it?
Have a drink?" said Maud. Said the judge, "You said it."
And Maud, with the joy of bucolic youth,
Blended some gin and some French vermouth.
Maud Muller sighed, as she poured the gin,
"I've got something on Whittier's heroine."
"Thanks," said the judge, "a peppier brew
From a fairer hand was never knew."
And when the judge had had number 7,
Maud seemed an angel direct from Heaven.
And the judge declared, "You're a lovely girl,
An' I'm for you, Maudie, I'll tell the worl'."
And the judge said, "Marry me, Maudie dearie?"
And Maud said yes to the well known query.
And she often thinks, in her rustic way,
As she powders her nose with Bon Sachet,
"I never'n the world would 'a got that guy,
If I'd waited till after the First o' July."
And of all glad words of prose or rhyme,
The gladdest are, "Act while there yet is time."
The Carlyles
[I was talking with a newspaper man the other day
who seemed to think that the fact that Mrs. Carlyle
threw a teacup at Mr. Carlyle should be given to the
public merely as a fact.
But a fact presented to people without the proper—or
even, if necessary, without the improper—human
being to go with it does not mean anything and does
not really become alive or caper about in people's minds.
But what I want and what I believe most people want
when a fact is being presented is one or two touches
that will make natural and human questions rise in and
play about like this:
"Did a servant see Mrs. Carlyle throw the teacup?
Was the servant an English servant with an English
imagination or an Irish servant with an Irish imagination?
What would the fact have been like if Mr.
Browning had been listening at the keyhole? Or Oscar
Wilde, or Punch, or the Missionary Herald, or The New
York Sun, or the Christian Science Monitor?"—Gerald
Stanley Lee in the Satevepost.]
BY OUR OWN ROBERT BROWNING
As a poet heart- and fancy-free—whole,
I listened at the Carlyles' keyhole;
And I saw, I, Robert Browning, saw,
Tom hurl a teacup at Jane's jaw.
She silent sat, nor tried to speak up
When came the wallop with the teacup—
A cup not filled with Beaune or Clicquot,
But one that brimmed with Orange Pekoe.
"Jane Welsh Carlyle," said Thomas, bold,
"The tea you brewed for m' breakfast's cold!
I'm feeling low i' my mind; a thing
You know b' this time. Have at you!"... Bing!
And hurled, threw he at her the teacup;
And I wrote it, deeming it unique, up.
BY OUR OWN OSCAR WILDE
Lady Leffingwell (coldly).—A full teacup!
What a waste! So many good women
and so little good tea.
[Exit Lady Leffingwell]
FROM OUR OWN "PUNCH"
A Manchester autograph collector, we are
informed, has just offered £50 for the signature
of Tea Carlyle.
FROM OUR OWN "MISSIONARY HERALD"
From what clouds cannot sunshine be distilled!
When, in a fit of godless rage, Mr.
Carlyle threw a teacup at the good woman he
had vowed at the altar to love, honour, and
obey, she smiled and the thought of China
entered her head.
Yesterday Mrs. Carlyle enrolled as a missionary,
and will sail for the benighted land
of the heathen to-morrow.
FROM OUR OWN "NEW YORK SUN"
Fortunate is Mrs. Jane Welsh Carlyle
to have escaped with her life, though if she
had not, no American worthy of the traditions
of Washington could simulate acute
sorrow. Mr. Carlyle, wearied of the dilatory
methods of the Bakerian War Department,
properly took the law into his own
strong hands.
The argument that resulted in the teacup's
leaving Mr. Carlyle's hands was common in
most households. It transpires that Mrs.
Carlyle, with a Bolshevistic tendency that
makes patriots wonder what the Department
of Justice—to borrow a phrase from a newspaper
cartoonist—thinks about, had been
championing the British-Wilson League of
Nations, that league which will make ironically
true our "E Pluribus Unum"—one of
many. Repeated efforts by Mr. Carlyle, in
appeals to the Department of Justice, the
Military Intelligence Division, and the City
Government, were of no avail. And so Mr.
Carlyle, like the red-blooded American he
is, did what the authorities should have saved
him the embarrassing trouble of doing.
FROM OUR OWN "CHRISTIAN SCIENCE MONITOR"
It is reported that Mr. Thomas Carlyle has
thrown a teacup at Mrs. Carlyle, and much
exaggerated and acrid comment has been
made on this incident.
If it had been a whiskey glass, or a cocktail
glass, the results might have been fatal.
In Oregon, which went dry in 1916, the number
of women hit by crockery has decreased
4.2 per cent in three years. Of 1,844 women
in Oregon hit by crockery in 1915, 1,802 were
hit by glasses containing, or destined to contain,
alcoholic stimulants. More than 94 per
cent of these accidents resulted fatally. The
remaining 22 women, hit by tea or coffee
cups, are now happy, useful members of
society.
If Amy Lowell Had Been James
Whitcomb Riley
A DECADE
When you came you were like red wine and honey,
And the taste of you burnt my mouth with its sweetness.
Now you are like morning bread—
Smooth and pleasant,
I hardly taste you at all, for I know your savour,
But I am completely nourished.
—Amy Lowell, in The Chimæra.
When I wuz courtin' Annie, she wuz honey an' red wine,
She made me feel all jumpy, did that ol' sweetheart o' mine;
Wunst w'en I went to Crawfordsville, on one o' them there trips,
I kissed her—an' the burnin' taste wuz sizzlin' on my lips.
An' now I've married Annie, an' I see her all the time,
I do not feel the daily need o' bustin' into rhyme.
An' now the wine-y taste is gone, fer Annie's always there,
An' I take her fer granted now, the same ez sun an' air.
But though the honey taste wuz sweet, an' though the wine wuz strong,
Yet ef I lost the sun an' air, I couldn't git along.
If the Advertising Man Had
Been Gilbert
Never mind that slippery wet street—
The tire with a thousand claws will hold you.
Stop as quickly as you will—
Those thousand claws grip the road like a vise.
Turn as sharply as you will—
Those thousand claws take a steel-prong grip on the road to prevent a side skid.
You're safe—safer than anything else will make you—
Safe as you would be on a perfectly dry street.
And those thousand claws are mileage insurance, too.
—From the Lancaster Tire and Rubber Company's
advertisement in the Satevepost.
Never mind it if you find it wet upon the street and slippery;
Never bother if the street is full of ooze;
Do not fret that you'll upset, that you will spoil your summer frippery,
You may turn about as sharply as you choose.
For those myriad claws will grip the road and keep the car from skidding,
And your steering gear will hold it fast and true;
Every atom of the car will be responsive to your bidding,
AND those thousand claws are mileage insurance, too—
Oh, indubitably,
Those thousand claws are mileage insurance, too.
If the Advertising Man Had
Been Praed, or Locker
"C'est distingue," says Madame La Mode,
'Tis a fabric of subtle distinction.
For street wear it is superb.
The chic of the Rue de la Paix—
The style of Fifth Avenue—
The character of Regent Street—
All are expressed in this new fabric creation.
Leather-like but feather-light—
It drapes and folds and distends to perfection.
And it may be had in dull or glazed,
Plain or grained, basket weave or moiréd surfaces!
—Advertisement of Pontine, in Vanity Fair.
"C'est distingue," says Madame La Mode.
Subtly distinctive as a fabric fair;
Nor Keats nor Shelley in his loftiest ode
Could thrum the line to tell how it will wear.
The flair, the chic that is Rue de la Paix,
The style that is Fifth Avenue, New York.
The character of Regent Street in May—
As leather strong, yet light as any cork.
All these for her in this fair fabric clad.
(Light of my life, O thou my Genevieve!)
In surface dull or glazed it may be had—
In plain or grained, moiréd or basket weave.
Georgie Porgie
By Mother Goose and Our Own Sara Teasdale
Bennie's kisses left me cold,
Eddie's made me yearn to die,
Jimmie's made me laugh aloud,—
But Georgie's made me cry.
Bennie sees me every night,
Eddie sees me every day,
Jimmie sees me all the time,—
But Georgie stays away.
On First Looking into Bee
Palmer's Shoulders
WITH BOWS TO KEATS AND KEITH'S
["The World's Most Famous Shoulders"]
"Then felt I like some watcher of the skies
When a new planet swims into his ken,
Or like stout Cortez when with eagle eyes
He stared at the Pacific—and all his men
Looked at each other with a wild surmise—
Silent upon a peak in Darien."
"Bee" Palmer has taken the raw, human—all too
human—stuff of the underworld, with its sighs of sadness
and regret, its mad merriment, its swift blaze of
passion, its turbulent dances, its outlaw music, its songs
of the social bandit, and made a new art product of the
theatre. She is to the sources of jazz and the blues
what François Villon was to the wild life of Paris.
Both have found exquisite blossoms of art in the sector
of life most removed from the concert room and the
boudoir, and their harvest has the vigour, the resolute
life, the stimulating quality, the indelible impress of
daredevil, care-free, do-as-you-please lives of the picturesque
men and women who defy convention.—From
Keith's Press Agent.
Much have I travell'd in the realms of jazz,
And many goodly arms and shoulders seen
Quiver and quake—if you know what I mean;
I've seen a lot, as everybody has.
Some plaudits got, while others got the razz.
But when I saw Bee Palmer, shimmy queen,
I shook—in sympathy—my troubled bean,
And said, "This is the utter razmataz."
Then felt I like some patient with a pain
When a new surgeon swims into his ken,
Or like stout Brodie, when, with reeling brain,
He jumped into the river. There and then
I subwayed up and took the morning train
To Norwalk, Naugatuck, and Darien.
To a Vers Librist
"Oh bard," I said, "your verse is free;
The shackles that encumber me,
The fetters that are my obsession,
Are never gyves to your expression.
"The fear of falsities in rhyme,
In metre, quantity, or time,
Is never yours; you sing along
Your unpremeditated song."
"Correct," the young vers librist said.
"Whatever pops into my head
I write, and have but one small fetter:
I start each line with a capital letter.
"But rhyme and metre—Ishkebibble!—
Are actually negligible.
I go ahead, like all my school,
Without a single silly rule."
Of rhyme I am so reverential
He made me feel inconsequential.
I shed some strongly saline tears
For bards I loved in younger years.
"If Keats had fallen for your fluff,"
I said, "he might have done good stuff.
If Burns had thrown his rhymes away,
His songs might still be sung to-day."
O bards of rhyme and metre free,
My gratitude goes out to ye
For all your deathless lines—ahem!
Let's see, now.... What is one of them?
How Do You Tackle Your Work?
How do you tackle your work each day?
Are you scared of the job you find?
Do you grapple the task that comes your way
With a confident, easy mind?
Do you stand right up to the work ahead
Or fearfully pause to view it?
Do you start to toil with a sense of dread?
Or feel that you're going to do it?
You can do as much as you think you can,
But you'll never accomplish more;
If you're afraid of yourself, young man,
There's little for you in store.
For failure comes from the inside first,
It's there if we only knew it,
And you can win, though you face the worst,
If you feel that you're going to do it.
Success! It's found in the soul of you,
And not in the realm of luck!
The world will furnish the work to do,
But you must provide the pluck.
You can do whatever you think you can,
It's all in the way you view it.
It's all in the start that you make, young man:
You must feel that you're going to do it.
How do you tackle your work each day?
With confidence clear, or dread?
What to yourself do you stop and say
When a new task lies ahead?
What is the thought that is in your mind?
Is fear ever running through it?
If so, just tackle the next you find
By thinking you're going to do it.
—From "A Heap o' Livin'," by Edgar A. Guest
I tackle my terrible job each day
With a fear that is well defined;
And I grapple the task that comes my way
With no confidence in my mind.
I try to evade the work ahead,
As I fearfully pause to view it,
And I start to toil with a sense of dread,
And doubt that I'm going to do it.
I can't do as much as I think I can,
And I never accomplish more.
I am scared to death of myself, old man,
As I may have observed before.
I've read the proverbs of Charley Schwab,
Carnegie, and Marvin Hughitt;
But whenever I tackle a difficult job,
O gosh! how I hate to do it!
I try to believe in my vaunted power
With that confident kind of bluff,
But somebody tells me The Conning Tower
Is nothing but awful stuff.
And I take up my impotent pen that night,
And idly and sadly chew it,
As I try to write something merry and bright,
And I know that I shall not do it.
And that's how I tackle my work each day—
With terror and fear and dread—
And all I can see is a long array
Of empty columns ahead.
And those are the thoughts that are in my mind,
And that's about all there's to it.
As long as it's work, of whatever kind,
I'm certain I cannot do it.
Recuerdo
We were very tired, we were very merry—
We had gone back and forth all night on the ferry.
It was bare and bright, and smelled like a stable—
But we looked into a fire, we leaned across a table,
We lay on the hill-top underneath the moon;
And the whistles kept blowing, and the dawn came soon.
We were very tired, we were very merry—
We had gone back and forth all night on the ferry;
And you ate an apple, and I ate a pear,
From a dozen of each we had bought somewhere;
And the sky went wan, and the wind came cold,
And the sun rose dripping, a bucketful of gold.
We were very tired, we were very merry,
We had gone back and forth all night on the ferry.
We hailed, "Good morrow, mother!" to a shawl-covered head,
And bought a morning paper, which neither of us read;
And she wept, "God bless you!" for the apples and pears,
And we gave her all our money but our subway fares.
—Edna St. Vincent Millay, in Poetry.
I was very sad, I was very solemn—
I had worked all day grinding out a column.
I came back from dinner at half-past seven,
And I couldn't think of anything till quarter to eleven;
And then I read "Recuerdo," by Miss Millay,
And I said, "I'll bet a nickel I can write that way."
I was very sad, I was very solemn—
I had worked all day whittling out a column.
I said, "I'll bet a nickel I can chirp such a chant,"
And Mr. Geoffrey Parsons said, "I'll bet you can't."
I bit a chunk of chocolate and found it sweet,
And I listened to the trucking on Frankfort Street.
I was very sad, I was very solemn—
I had worked all day fooling with a column.
I got as far as this and took my verses in
To Mr. Geoffrey Parsons, who said, "Kid, you win."
And—not that I imagine that any one'll care—
I blew that jitney on a subway fare.
On Tradition
LINES PROVOKED BY HEARING A YOUNG MAN WHISTLING
No carmine radical in Art,
I worship at the shrine of Form;
Yet open are my mind and heart
To each departure from the norm.
When Post-Impressionism emerged,
I hesitated but a minute
Before I saw, though it diverged,
That there was something healthy in it.
And eke when Music, heavenly maid,
Undid the chains that chafed her feet,
I grew to like discordant shade—
Unharmony I thought was sweet.
When verse divorced herself from sound,
I wept at first. Now I say: "Oh, well,
I see some sense in Ezra Pound,
And nearly some in Amy Lowell."
Yet, though I storm at every change,
And each mutation makes me wince,
I am not shut to all things strange—
I'm rather easy to convince.
But hereunto I set my seal,
My nerves awry, askew, abristling:
I'll never change the way I feel
Upon the question of Free Whistling.
Unshackled Thoughts on Chivalry,
Romance, Adventure, Etc.
Yesterday afternoon, while I was
walking on Worth Street,
A gust of wind blew my hat off.
I swore, petulantly, but somewhat noisily.
A young woman had been near, walking behind me;
She must have heard me, I thought.
And I was ashamed, and embarrassedly sorry.
So I said to her: "If you heard me, I beg your pardon."
But she gave me a frightened look
And ran across the street,
Seeking a policeman.
So I thought, Why waste five hours trying to versify the incident?
Vers libre would serve her right.
Results Ridiculous
("Humourists have amused themselves by translating
famous sonnets into free verse. A result no less ridiculous
would have been obtained if somebody had rewritten
a passage from 'Paradise Lost' as a rondeau."—George
Soule in the New Republic.)
"PARADISE LOST"
Sing, Heavenly Muse, in lines that flow
More smoothly than the wandering Po,
Of man's descending from the height
Of Heaven itself, the blue, the bright,
To Hell's unutterable throe.
Of sin original and the woe
That fell upon us here below
From man's pomonic primal bite—
Sing, Heavenly Muse!
Of summer sun, of winter snow,
Of future days, of long ago,
Of morning and "the shades of night,"
Of woman, "my ever new delight,"
Go to it, Muse, and put us joe—
Sing, Heavenly Muse!
* * * * *
"THE RIME OF THE ANCIENT MARINER"
The wedding guest sat on a stone,
He could not choose but hear
The mariner. They were there alone.
The wedding guest sat on a stone.
"I'll read you something of my own,"
Declared that mariner.
The wedding guest sat on a stone—
He could not choose but hear.
Regarding (1) the U. S. and (2)
New York
Before I was a travelled bird,
I scoffed, in my provincial way,
At other lands; I deemed absurd
All nations but these U. S. A.
And—although Middle-Western born—
Before I was a travelled guy,
I laughed at, with unhidden scorn,
All cities but New York, N. Y.
But now I've been about a bit—
How travel broadens! How it does!
And I have found out this, to wit:
How right I was! How right I was!
Broadmindedness
How narrow his vision, how cribbed and confined!
How prejudiced all of his views!
How hard is the shell of his bigoted mind!
How difficult he to excuse!
His face should be slapped and his head should be banged;
A person like that ought to die!
I want to be fair, but a man should be hanged
Who's any less liberal than I.
The Jazzy Bard
Labor is a thing I do not like;
Workin's makes me want to go on strike;
Sittin' in an office on a sunny afternoon,
Thinkin' o' nothin' but a ragtime tune.
'Cause I got the blues, I said I got the blues,
I got the paragraphic blues.
Been a-sittin' here since ha' pas' ten,
Bitin' a hole in my fountain pen;
Brain's all stiff in the creakin' joints,
Can't make up no wheezes on the Fourteen Points;
Can't think o' nothin' 'bout the end o' booze,
'Cause I got the para—, I said the paragraphic, I mean the column conductin' blues.
Lines on and from "Bartlett's
Familiar Quotations"
("Sir: For the first time in twenty-three years 'Bartlett's
Familiar Quotations' has been revised and enlarged,
and under separate cover we are sending you a
copy of the new edition. We would appreciate an
expression of opinion from you of the value of this
work after you have had an ample opportunity of
examining it."—The Publishers.)
Of making many books there is no end—
So Sancho Panza said, and so say I.
Thou wert my guide, philosopher and friend
When only one is shining in the sky.
Books cannot always please, however good;
The good is oft interred with their bones.
To be great is to be misunderstood,
The anointed sovereign of sighs and groans.
The Moving Finger writes, and, having writ,
I never write as funny as I can.
Remote, unfriended, studious let me sit
And say to all the world, "This was a man!"
Go, lovely Rose that lives its little hour!
Go, little booke! and let who will be clever!
Roll on! From yonder ivy-mantled tower
The moon and I could keep this up forever.
Thoughts in a Far Country
I rise and applaud, in the patriot manner,
Whenever (as often) I hear
The palpitant strains of "The Star Spangled Banner,"—
I shout and cheer.
And also, to show my unbounded devotion,
I jump to me feet with a "Whee!"
Whenever "Columbia, the Gem of the Ocean"
Is played near me.
My fervour's so hot and my ardour so searing—
I'm hoarse for a couple of days—
You've heard me, I'm positive, joyously cheering
"The Marseillaise."
I holler for "Dixie." I go off my noodle,
I whistle, I pound, and I stamp
Whenever an orchestra plays "Yankee Doodle,"
Or "Tramp, Tramp, Tramp."
But if you would enter my confidence, Reader,
Know that I'd go clean off my dome,
And madly embrace any orchestra leader
For "Home, Sweet Home."
When You Meet a Man from Your
Own Home Town
Sing, O Muse, in the treble clef,
A little song of the A. E. F.,
And pardon me, please, if I give vent
To something akin to sentiment.
But we have our moments Over Here
When we want to cry and we want to cheer;
And the hurrah feeling will not down
When you meet a man from your own home town.
It's many a lonesome, longsome day
Since you embarked from the U. S. A.,
And you met some men—it's a great big war—
From towns that you never had known before;
And you landed here, and your rest camp mate
Was a man from some strange and distant state.
Liked him? Yes; but you wanted to see
A man from the town where you used to be.
And then you went, by design or chance,
All over the well-known map of France;
And you yearned with a yearn that grew and grew
To talk with a man from the burg you knew.
And some lugubrious morning when
Your morale is batting about .110,
"Where are you from?" and you make reply,
And the O. D. warrior says, "So am I."
The universe wears a smiling face
As you spill your talk of the old home place;
You talk of the streets, and the home town jokes,
And you find that you know each other's folks;
And you haven't any more woes at all
As you both decide that the world is small—
A statement adding to its renown
When you meet a man from your own home town.
You may be among the enlisted men,
You may be a Lieut. or a Major-Gen.;
Your home may be up in the Chilkoot Pass,
In Denver, Col., or in Pittsfield, Mass.;
You may have come from Chicago, Ill.,
Buffalo, Portland, or Louisville—
But there's nothing, I'm gambling, can keep you down,
When you meet a man from your own home town.
* * * * *
If you want to know why I wrote this pome,
Well ... I've just had a talk with a guy from home.
The Shepherd's Resolution