Business girl's motto: "Better marry and be a poor man's slave than stay single and be a rich man's stenographer."
When a clever girl lets fly the arrows of wit she should be careful to see that a man's vanity is not the bull's eye.
It is difficult for a man to reconcile a girl's absorbing interest in picture-hats, pearl powder, and Paquin models with real brains; but somehow his own enthusiasm for baseball and golf never seems to him incompatible with superior intelligence.
Don't fancy your husband has ceased to love you merely because he no longer seems to notice your presence around the house; wait until he gets so that he doesn't even notice your absence.
A good husband is one who will get up and lift the ice off the dumbwaiter instead of lying back and lifting his voice to tell you how to do it without "hurting your itsy bitsy fingers."
The shallower a man's love, the more it bubbles over into eloquence. When his emotions go deep, words stick in his throat, and have to be hauled out of him with a derrick.
To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little; to be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
A man with savoir faire may scintillate in a crowd, but it takes a "bashful man" to shine in a dim cozy corner.
Every bride fancies that she married the original "cave-man" until she tries to persuade him to go out and argue with the furniture-movers.
What a man calls his conscience in a love affair is merely a pain in his vanity, the moral ache that accompanies a headache, or the mental action that follows a sentimental reaction.
It never pays to compromise! Cheap clothes, cheap literature, cheap sports, cheap flirtations—a life filled with these is nothing but an electric flash, advertising "something just as good."
Just at first, every man seems to fancy that it takes nothing but brute force and determination to run an automobile or a wife; after the smash-up he changes his mind.
Brains and beauty are an impossible combination in a woman—not necessarily impossible to find, but impossible to live with.
When a woman looks at a man in evening dress, she sometimes can't help wondering why he wants to blazon his ancestry to the world by wearing a coat with a long tail to it.
When a man says he loves you don't ask him "Why," because by the time he has found his reason he will undoubtedly have lost his enthusiasm.
Pshaw! It is no more reasonable to expect a man to love you tomorrow because he loves you today, than it is to assume that the sun will be shining tomorrow because the weather is pleasant today.
Sending a man a sentimental note, just after he has spent the evening with you, has about the same thrilling effect as offering him a sandwich, immediately after dinner.
A "good woman," according to Mrs. Grundy, is one who would scorn to sacrifice society for the sake of a man but will cheerfully sacrifice the man she marries for the sake of society.
The flower of a man's love is not an immortelle, but a morning-glory; which fades the moment the sun of a woman's smiles becomes too intense and glowing.
The sweetest part of a love affair is just before the confession when you begin discussing love in the abstract and gazing concretely into one another's eyes.
Marriage is a photogravure made from the glowing illusions which Love has painted on the canvas of the heart.
A woman may have to reach heaven before she tastes supernal joy; but to taste supreme punishment she has only to watch the love-mist die out of a man's eyes.
Nothing frightens a man like a woman's stony silence. Somehow in spite of his lack of intuition, he has a subconscious premonition that her love is dead when she is too weary and disinterested to "answer back."
The satisfaction in flattering a man consists in the fact that, whether you lay it on thick or thin, rough or smooth, a little of it is always bound to stick.
Love is a furnace in which the man builds the fire, and forever afterward expects the woman to keep it glowing, by supplying all the fuel.
The gods must love summer flirtations—they die so young.
A man may have heart enough to love more than one woman at a time, but unless he is a fatalist he should have brains enough not to try it.
When love dies a wise married couple give its ashes a respectful burial, and hang a good photograph of it on the wall for the benefit of the public.
EVERY TIME A MAN
FALLS IN LOVE HE
FANCIES THAT HE HAS
JUST DISCOVERED A
BRAND NEW SENSATION;
BUT, ALAS, IT ALWAYS
TURNS OUT, LIKE THE
HOTEL SOUP, TO BE
JUST THE SAME OLD
"STOCK" WITH A DIFFERENT
FLAVORING
|
Always send your former husband a notice of your marriage; true politeness consists in giving pleasure to others.
If you meet your ex-husband's fiancée, treat her with sympathetic courtesy. Remember that she is more to be pitied than scorned.
If the bridegroom does not show up, marry the best man. After a few weeks you will not be able to notice the difference between them. Either will make you the same old excuses, tell you the same stories and give you the same "stock" kisses in the morning.
When your second husband begins to speak wistfully of your first husband, do not chide him; remember that misery loves company, and perhaps it is a comfort to him to think that some one else has been as foolish as he has.
Never consider your wedding a settled thing until you have gotten the man to the altar. The primary rule for marrying is "First catch your husband!"
Besides, there's many a slip 'twixt the license and the certificate—and you may let him slip.
In selecting husbands, always consider that it is quality, not quantity, that counts.
One or two marriages, like one or two drinks, may not have any visible effect upon you. But don't make it a custom.
A woman marries the first time, you know, for love, the second time for companionship, the third time for a support—and the rest of the time just from habit.
When marrying a second time refrain from asking your friends what they think about it. Remember that they all think you are a fool.
The hardest thing in life is to discover the exact geographical location of a man's grouch—whether it is in his tooth, his vanity or his digestion, or is just a chronic condition of the whole system.
Being in love is like a fascinating spin at will in an automobile; being married, like a trolley trip on rails, with somebody ringing the bell at you every few minutes.
A woman's love is composed of maternal tenderness, childlike inconsistency, torturing jealousy and sublime unselfishness—and how is a man ever going to comprehend a mixture like that?
Alas, why is it that the most popular and fascinating women are so often the last to marry, and then nearly always pluck either a broken stick from the tide of life or a brand from the burning?
Some women can be fooled all of the time, and all women can be fooled some of the time, but the same woman can't be fooled by the same man in the same way more than half of the time.
A woman always wants her photograph to flatter her, but a man is perfectly satisfied if he gets one that looks as fascinating and impressive as he thinks he does.
A jealous husband can put two and two together—and make fourteen.
When a man hesitates to propose to a girl he is never quite sure whether it is the fear of being "turned down" or the fear of being "taken up" which paralyzes him.
Spring is the time of the year when the eternal monotony of the daily grind gives a man brain-fag—and the eternal monotony of any one girl appears to give him heart-fag.
A wise woman puts a grain of sugar into everything she says to a man and takes a grain of salt with everything he says to her.
Of course, a girl hates to wound a man; but sometimes, after a painful parting, it would seem so much more artistic if he would only remain "wounded" just a little longer.
Making a man promise to drop a woman simply excites his sympathy for her, so that, before he has fairly cut the string, he is anxious to tie a knot in it again.
The hardest task of a girl's life, nowadays, is to prove to a man that his intentions are serious.
Love, without faith, illusions and trust, is—Lord forgive us—cinders, ashes and dust!
A man who strays for love of a woman may sometimes be reclaimed; but the man who strays for love of amusement or love or novelty will never "stay put" for any girl.
Most girls, nowadays, would give almost as much for a little genuine sentiment and a really convincing kiss, as for a genuine "old master" and a really convincing novel.
There are a hundred things that the cleverest man in the world never can understand—and ninety-nine of them are women.
Many a man who is too tender-hearted to pour salt on an oyster will pour sarcasm all over his wife's vanity and then wonder why she always shrivels up in her shell at the sight of him.
A grub may become a butterfly, but the man who marries a butterfly, expecting to turn her into a grub, should remember that nature never works that way.
A married man's hardest cross is not to be able to brag to his wife about the women who "tried to flirt with him."
Plato has lured more men into matrimony than Cupid. A man can see an arrow coming and dodge it, but platonic friendship strikes him in the back.
Many a man has started out to "string" a girl, and gotten so tangled up, that the string ended in a marriage tie.
Habit is the cement which holds the links of matrimony together when the ties of romance have crumbled.
He that telleth a secret unto a married man may prepare himself for a lot of free advertising; for, lo, the conjugal pillow is the root of all gossip.
To make a man perfectly happy tell him he works too hard, that he spends too much money, that he is "misunderstood" or that he is "different;" none of this is necessarily complimentary, but it will flatter him infinitely more than merely telling him that he is brilliant, or noble, or wise, or good.
After a woman has lain awake half the night in order to be able to call her husband in time to catch his train it's rather hard to be hated for it, just like an alarm clock.
A man expects a woman to laugh at all his jokes, admire all his bon mots, agree with all his opinions, and be blind to all his faults—and then he scornfully wonders why women are so "hypocritical."
A diamond and a lump of coal are merely two varieties of carbon; but they are as different as the two things which the right wife and the wrong wife can make of the same man.
Sometimes man proposes—and then keeps the girl waiting until the Lord kindly interposes.
A WOMAN
FLEES FROM
TEMPTATION,
BUT A MAN
JUST CRAWLS
AWAY FROM IT
IN THE CHEERFUL
HOPE
THAT IT MAY
OVERTAKE HIM
|
RIB—That part of man's self of which he thinks the least and brags the most.
WIFE (The Inferior Fraction)—The excuse for all a man's sins, the cause of all his failings, the keeper of his conscience, the guardian of his digestion, and the repository of his grouches.
BETTER-HALF—The half that is always left at home.
COQUETTE—Any woman who is so unreasonable as not to return a man's affections.
FLIRT—Any woman, over whom a man has insisted on making a fool of himself.
OLD MAID—An unmarried woman with more wrinkles than money.
BACHELOR GIRL—An unmarried woman with more money than wrinkles.
KITTEN—Any woman under sixty for whom a man feels a temporary tenderness.
QUEEN—A pretty woman whom a man has not yet kissed.
"IDEAL"—The particular woman, to whom a man happens to be making love.
CLINGING VINE—A woman who allows her husband to think that he is having his own way.
HELPMATE—A combination of playmate, soul-mate, and light-running domestic.
GODDESS—An impossible woman, who exists only in novels and in a man's imagination.
PARAGON—The kind of woman a man ought to marry, wants to marry, intends to marry—and never does.
PESSIMISM IS A MAN'S
NATURAL REACTION
AFTER TOO MUCH
OF ANYTHING—WINE,
LOVE, FOOD, FLIRTATION
OR OPTIMISM
|
WHERE IS THE SWEET,
OLD-FASHIONED WIFE
WHO USED TO GET UP
AT 6 O'CLOCK IN THE
MORNING AND COOK
HER HUSBAND'S
BREAKFAST? GONE,
GONE, ALAS, WITH
THE SWEET OLD-FASHIONED
HUSBAND
WHO USED TO COME
HOME AT 6 O'CLOCK
IN THE EVENING AND
STAY THERE Two Leaves
|
When a man complains of the girls who "pursue" him, don't forget that the mark of a real "girl-charmer" is his dead silence concerning all women except the one to whom he happens to be talking.
A man's idea of displaying "resolution" appears to be first to find out what a woman wants him to do, and then to proceed "resolutely" not to do it.
Presence of mind in love making is a sure sign of absence of heart; no man begins to be serious until he begins to be foolish.
The girl a man marries is never the one he ought to marry or intended to marry, but just some "innocent bystander" who happened to be in the way at the psychological moment.
A woman's heart is like a frame, which holds only one picture at a time; a man's is more like a cinemetograph.
A man's love is not actually dead until he begins subconsciously to think of his wife as the person who makes him wear his rubbers, mow the lawn, put up the fly-screens, and explain where he has been all Saturday afternoon.
The average man is so busy backing away from the girls he ought to marry that he usually backs right into the arms of the one woman under Heaven that he ought not to marry.
A man is like a motor-car which always balks on the trolley-tracks and runs at top speed down hill; a wife is the human brake that prevents him from going to destruction.
When a girl refuses a man his greatest emotion is not disappointment, but astonishment that she should be so blind to her own luck.
Nothing bores a man so much as for a woman to give him all her love—when he wanted only a little of it.
Solomon was the only man who ever had six hundred and ninety-nine alibis when one of his wives detected the fragrance of another woman's sachet on his coat lapel.
Every man "rocks the boat" of happiness at least once during a love affair—usually by trying to leap out of it before it lands in the port of Matrimony. All a man needs in order to win any woman is a little audacity, a little mendacity and plenty of pertinacity.
The only chain that can bind love is an endless chain of compliments.
When a woman doesn't marry it is usually because she has never met the man with whom she could be perfectly happy; but when a man remains single it is usually because he has never met the woman without whom he could not be perfectly happy.
Most men expect to "reform" between the last dose of medicine and the last breath.
Speaking of the modern advance in the "arts and crafts" it requires more art to get a husband and more craft to keep one nowadays, than it ever did.
A frank man may be the noblest work of God, but he is as much of a nuisance in feminine society as a woman on a fishing trip.
There is always a chance that a man may escape from the bonds of matrimony; but an old bachelor is wedded by all the bonds of nature to a collection of habits from which nothing but death can divorce him.
By the time he marries, a bachelor's heart has been pressed, cleaned and mended so often that it will barely hold together through the honeymoon.
It seems so unreasonable of man to expect a woman to think straight, walk straight, or talk straight, considering that she was made from his rib—the crookedest bone in his body.
Motto for a married man's den: "Others love your wife, why not you?"
A man's idea of being perfectly loyal to a woman is to "think of her always"—even when he is kissing another woman.
Love is just a glittering illusion with which we gild the hard, cold facts of life—until all the world seems bright and shining!
Most men are so busy dodging one love affair that they step right back under the wheels of another, and are fatally mangled.
A brave man is always ready to "face the music"—provided it isn't that old tune from Lohengrin.
If married couples would show as much respect for one another's personal liberty, habits and preferences as they do for one another's toothbrushes, love's young dream would not so often turn into a nightmare. It is the Siamese twin existence they impose on themselves that drives them to distraction or destruction.
A man kills time with a golf stick; a woman with a lip-stick.
It is foolish to fancy that a man is thinking of proposing to you; a man never proposes to any woman, until he has gotten past "thinking."
If a man would employ a little more commonsense before marriage and a little more incense afterwards, matrimony would be more of an inspiration and less of a visitation.
Never trust a husband too far, nor a bachelor too near.
The man who takes a kiss "for granted" doesn't stand a chance beside the man who takes it before it is granted.
Husband: A miniature volcano, constantly smoking, usually grumbling, and always liable to violent and unexpected eruptions.
On the journey of matrimony, there are no garages where punctured illusions can be patched up, shattered ideals mended, and empty hearts refilled.
Of course a man is not as jealous as a woman—because it's so hard for him to believe that a girl on whom he bestows himself could possibly wish for anything better.
The making of a husband out of a mere man is not a sinecure; it's one of the highest plastic arts known to civilization.
Before marriage a woman says sweetly, "I understand you!" After marriage she says coldly, "I see through you!"
Being the confessions of the 700th wife. A book that is much appreciated and is destined to entertain Helen Rowland's fast growing audience for years to come.
"Yet whichever he weddeth, he regretteth it all the days of his life."
Clever, cynical and witty, with a philosophical trend that will entertain men and woman alike—the older ones—the younger ones. Read this book for a mirror likeness to yourself.
Border decorations in color size 5 × 71/2.
Here is a little book of delightful love stories, brimful of clever, witty epigrams. The Widow is—well, say that she is lovable—only more so; and the Man—read, know and love both.
Illustrated bound in boards 41/2 × 71/4.
An exceedingly clever parody both in verses and illustrations. Every yearning, timorous bachelor should read and ponder; so, too, each damsel, read and—"then, in your mercy, Friend, forbear to smile."
Illustrations and border decorations by Harold Speakman, attractively bound in cloth with inlay in color size 53/4 × 71/2.
Text uses both caveman and cave-man, commonsense and common-sense, goodby and good-by.
Corrections made are indicated by dotted lines under the corrections. Scroll the mouse over the word and the original text will appear.