SCENE II. — ANOTHER ROOM IN THE SAME.
   ENTER FALLACE AND FUNGOSO RUNNING; SHE CLAPS TO THE DOOR.

   FAL.  Help me, brother!  Ods body, an you come here I'll do myself a mischief.

   DELI.  [WITHIN.]  Nay, hear me, sweet wife; unless thou wilt have me go, I
   will not go.

   FAL.  Tut, you shall never have that vantage of me, to say, you are undone
   by me.  I'll not bid you stay, I.  Brother, sweet brother, here's four
   angels, I'll give you towards your suit:  for the love of gentry, and as
   ever you came of Christian creature, make haste to the water side, (you
   know where master Fastidious uses to land,) and give him warning of my
   husband's malicious intent; and tell him of that lean rascal's treachery.
   O heavens, how my flesh rises at him!  Nay, sweet brother, make haste:  you
   may say, I would have writ to him, but that the necessity of the time would
   not permit.  He cannot choose but take it extraordinarily from me:  and
   commend me to him, good brother; say, I sent you.
   [EXIT.

   FUNG.  Let me see, these four angels, and then forty shillings more I can
   borrow on my gown in Fetter Lane. — Well, I will go presently, say on my
   suit, pay as much money as I have, and swear myself into credit with my
   tailor for the rest.
   [EXIT.

   SCENE III. — ANOTHER ROOM IN THE SAME.

   ENTER DELIRO AND MACILENTE.

   DELI.  O, on my soul you wrong her, Macilente.  Though she be froward, yet
   I know she is honest.

   MACI.  Well, then have I no judgment.  Would any woman, but one that were
   wild in her affections, have broke out into that immodest and violent
   passion against her husband?  or is't possible —

   DELI.  If you love me, forbear; all the arguments i' the world shall never
   wrest my heart to believe it.
   [EXEUNT.

   COR.  How like you the deciphering of his dotage?

   MIT.  O, strangely:  an of the other's envy too, that labours so seriously
   to set debate betwixt a man and his wife.  Stay, here comes the knight
   adventurer.

   COR.  Ay, and his scrivener with him.

   SCENE IV. — PUNTARVOLO'S LODGINGS.

   ENTER PUNTARVOLO, NOTARY, AND SERVANTS WITH THE DOG AND CAT.

   PUNT.  I wonder monsieur Fastidious comes not!  But, notary, if thou please
   to draw the indentures the while, I will give thee thy instructions.

   NOT.  With all my heart, sir; and I'll fall in hand with them presently.

   PUNT.  Well then, first the sum is to be understood.

   NOT.  [WRITES.]  Good, sir.

   PUNT.  Next, our several appellations, and character of my dog and cat,
   must be known.  Shew him the cat, sirrah.

   NOT.  So, sir.

   PUNT.  Then, that the intended bound is the Turk's court in Constantinople;
   the time limited for our return, a year; and that if either of us miscarry,
   the whole venture is lost.  These are general, conceiv'st thou?  or if
   either of us turn Turk.

   NOT.  Ay, sir.

   PUNT.  Now, for particulars:  that I may make my travels by sea or land, to
   my best liking; and that hiring a coach for myself, it shall be lawful for
   my dog or cat, or both, to ride with me in the said coach.

   NOT.  Very good, sir.

   PUNT.  That I may choose to give my dog or cat, fish, for fear of bones; or
   any other nutriment that, by the judgment of the most authentical
   physicians where I travel, shall be thought dangerous.

   NOT.  Well, sir.

   PUNT.  That, after the receipt of his money, he shall neither, in his own
   person, nor any other, either by direct or indirect means, as magic,
   witchcraft, or other such exotic arts, attempt, practise, or complot any
   thing to the prejudice of me, my dog, or my cat:  neither shall I use the
   help of any such sorceries or enchantments, as unctions to make our skins
   impenetrable, or to travel invisible by virtue of a powder, or a ring, or
   to hang any three-forked charm about my dog's neck, secretly conveyed into
   his collar; (understand you?) but that all be performed sincerely, without
   fraud or imposture.

   NOT.  So, sir.

   PUNT.  That, for testimony of the performance, myself am to bring thence a
   Turk's mustachio, my dog a Grecian hare's lips, and my cat the train or
   tail of a Thracian rat.

   NOT.  [WRITES.]  'Tis done, sir.

   PUNT.  'Tis said, sir; not done, sir.  But forward; that, upon my return,
   and landing on the Tower-wharf, with the aforesaid testimony, I am to
   receive five for one, according to the proportion of the sums put forth.

   NOT.  Well, sir.

   PUNT.  Provided, that if before our departure, or setting forth, either
   myself or these be visited with sickness, or any other casual event, so
   that the whole course of the adventure be hindered thereby, that then he is
   to return, and I am to receive the prenominated proportion upon fair and
   equal terms.

   NOT.  Very good, sir; is this all?

   PUNT.  It is all, sir; and dispatch them, good notary.

   NOT.  As fast as is possible, sir.
   [EXIT.

   ENTER CARLO.
   PUNT.  O Carlo!  welcome:  saw you monsieur Brisk?

   CAR.  Not I:  did he appoint you to meet here?

   PUNT.  Ay, and I muse he should be so tardy; he is to take an hundred
   pounds of me in venture, if he maintain his promise.

   CAR.  Is his hour past?

   PUNT.  Not yet, but it comes on apace.

   CAR.  Tut, be not jealous of him; he will sooner break all the
   commandments, than his hour; upon my life, in such a case trust him.

   PUNT.  Methinks, Carlo, you look very smooth, ha!

   CAR.  Why, I came but now from a hot-house; I must needs look smooth.

   PUNT.  From a hot-house!

   CAR.  Ay, do you make a wonder on't?  why, it is your only physic.  Let a
   man sweat once a week in a hot-house, and be well rubb'd, and froted, with
   a good plump juicy wench, and sweet linen, he shall ne'er have the pox.

   PUNT.  What, the French pox?

   CAR.  The French pox!  out pox:  we have them in as good a form as they,
   man; what?

   PUNT.  Let me perish, but thou art a salt one!  was your new-created
   gallant there with you, Sogliardo?

   CAR.  O porpoise!  hang him, no:  he's a leiger at Horn's ordinary, yonder;
   his villainous Ganymede and he have been droning a tobacco-pipe there ever
   since yesterday noon.

   PUNT.  Who?  signior Tripartite, that would give my dog the whiffe?

   CAR.  Ay, he.  They have hired a chamber and all, private, to practise in,
   for the making of the patoun, the receipt reciprocal, and a number of other
   mysteries not yet extant.  I brought some dozen or twenty gallants this
   morning to view them, as you'd do a piece of perspective, in at a key-hole;
   and there we might see Sogliardo sit in a chair, holding his snout up like
   a sow under an apple-tree, while the other open'd his nostrils with a
   poking-stick, to give the smoke a more free delivery.  They had spit some
   three or fourscore ounces between 'em, afore we came away.

   PUNT.  How!  spit three or fourscore ounces?

   CAR.  Ay, and preserv'd it in porrengers, as a barber does his blood, when
   he opens a vein.

   PUNT.  Out, pagan!  how dost thou open the vein of thy friend?

   CAR.  Friend!  is there any such foolish thing in the world, ha?  'slid I
   never relished it yet.

   PUNT.  Thy humour is the more dangerous.

   CAR.  No, not a whit, signior.  Tut, a man must keep time in all; I can oil
   my tongue when I meet him next, and look with a good sleek forehead; 'twill
   take away all soil of suspicion, and that's enough:  what Lynceus can see
   my heart?  Pish, the title of a friend!  it's a vain, idle thing, only
   venerable among fools; you shall not have one that has any opinion of wit
   affect it.

   ENTER DELIRO AND MACILENTE.
   DELI.  Save you, good sir Puntarvolo.

   PUNT.  Signior Deliro!  welcome.

   DELI.  Pray you, sir, did you see master Fastidious Brisk?  I heard he was
   to meet your worship here.

   PUNT.  You heard no figment, sir; I do expect him at every pulse of my watch.

   DELI.  In good time, sir.

   CAR.  There's a fellow now looks like one of the patricians of Sparta;
   marry, his wit's after ten i' the hundred:  a good bloodhound, a
   close-mouthed dog, he follows the scent well; marry, he's at fault now,
   methinks.

   PUNT.  I should wonder at that creature is free from the danger of thy tongue.

   CAR.  O, I cannot abide these limbs of satin, or rather Satan indeed, that
   will walk, like the children of darkness, all day in a melancholy shop,
   with their pockets full of blanks, ready to swallow up as many poor
   unthrifts as come within the verge.

   PUNT.  So!  and what hast thou for him that is with him, now?

   CAR.  O, d—n me!  immortality!  I'll not meddle with him; the pure element
   of fire, all spirit, extraction.

   PUNT.  How, Carlo!  ha, what is he, man?

   CAR.  A scholar, Macilente; do you not know him?  a rank, raw-boned
   anatomy, he walks up and down like a charged musket, no man dares encounter
   him:  that's his rest there.

   PUNT.  His rest!  why, has he a forked head?

   CAR.  Pardon me, that's to be suspended; you are too quick, too apprehensive.

   DELI.  Troth, now I think on't, I'll defer it till some other time.

   MACI.  Not by any means, signior, you shall not lose this opportunity, he
   will be here presently now.

   DELI.  Yes, faith, Macilente, 'tis best.  For, look you, sir, I shall so
   exceedingly offend my wife in't, that —

   MACI.  Your wife!  now for shame lose these thoughts, and become the master
   of your own spirits.  Should I, if I had a wife, suffer myself to be thus
   passionately carried to and fro with the stream of her humour, and neglect
   my deepest affairs, to serve her affections?  'Slight, I would geld myself
   first.

   DELI.  O, but signior, had you such a wife as mine is, you would —

   MACI.  Such a wife!  Now hate me, sir, if ever I discern'd any wonder in
   your wife yet, with all the speculation I have:  I have seen some that have
   been thought fairer than she, in my time; and I have seen those, have not
   been altogether so tall, esteem'd properer women; and I have seen less
   noses grow upon sweeter faces, that have done very well too, in my
   judgment.  But in good faith, signior, for all this, the gentlewoman is a
   good, pretty, proud, hard-favour'd thing, marry not so peerlessly to be
   doted upon, I must confess:  nay, be not angry.

   DELI.  Well, sir, however you please to forget yourself, I have not
   deserv'd to be thus played upon; but henceforth, pray you forbear my house,
   for I can but faintly endure the savour of his breath, at my table, that
   shall thus jade me for my courtesies.

   MACI.  Nay, then, signior, let me tell you, your wife is no proper woman,
   and by my life, I suspect her honesty, that's more, which you may likewise
   suspect, if you please, do you see?  I'll urge you to nothing against your
   appetite, but if you please, you may suspect it.

   DELI.  Good sir.
   [EXIT.

   MACI.  Good, sir!  now horn upon horn pursue thee, thou blind, egregious
   dotard!

   CAR.  O, you shall hear him speak like envy. — Signior Macilente, you saw
   monsieur Brisk lately:  I heard you were with him at court.

   MACI.  Ay, Buffone, I was with him.

   CAR.  And how is he respected there?  I know you'll deal ingenuously with
   us; is he made much of amongst the sweeter sort of gallants?

   MACI.  Faith, ay; his civet and his casting-glass
   Have helpt him to a place amongst the rest:
   And there, his seniors give him good slight looks,
   After their garb, smile, and salute in French
   With some new compliment.

   CAR.  What, is this all?

   MACI.  Why say, that they should shew the frothy fool
   Such grace as they pretend comes from the heart,
   He had a mighty windfall out of doubt!
   Why, all their graces are not to do grace
   To virtue or desert; but to ride both
   With their gilt spurs quite breathless, from themselves.
   'Tis now esteem'd precisianism in wit,
   And a disease in nature, to be kind
   Toward desert, to love or seek good names.
   Who feeds with a good name?  who thrives with loving?
   Who can provide feast for his own desires,
   With serving others? — ha, ha, ha!
   'Tis folly, by our wisest worldlings proved,
   If not to gain by love, to be beloved.

   CAR.  How like you him?  is't not a good spiteful slave, ha?

   PUNT.  Shrewd, shrewd.

   CAR.  D—n me!  I could eat his flesh now; divine sweet villain!

   MACI.  Nay, prithee leave:  What's he there?

   CAR.  Who?  this in the starched beard?  it's the dull stiff knight
   Puntarvolo, man; he's to travel now presently:  he has a good knotty wit;
   marry, he carries little on't out of the land with him.

   MACI.  How then?

   CAR.  He puts it forth in venture, as he does his money upon the return of
   a dog and cat.

   MACI.  Is this he?

   CAR.  Ay, this is he; a good tough gentleman:  he looks like a shield of
   brawn at Shrove-tide, out of date, and ready to take his leave; or a dry
   pole of ling upon Easter-eve, that has furnish'd the table all Lent, as he
   has done the city this last vacation.

   MACI.  Come, you'll never leave your stabbing similes:  I shall have you
   aiming at me with 'em by and by; but —

   CAR.  O, renounce me then!  pure, honest, good devil, I love thee above the
   love of women:  I could e'en melt in admiration of thee, now.  Ods so, look
   here, man; Sir Dagonet and his squire!

   ENTER SOGLIARDO AND SHIFT.
   SOG.  Save you, my dear gallantos:  nay, come, approach, good cavalier:
   prithee, sweet knight, know this gentleman, he's one that it pleases me to
   use as my good friend and companion; and therefore do him good offices:  I
   beseech you, gentles, know him, I know him all over.

   PUNT.  Sir, for signior Sogliardo's sake, let it suffice, I know you.

   SOG.  Why, as I am a gentleman, I thank you, knight, and it shall suffice.
   Hark you, sir Puntarvolo, you'd little think it; he's as resolute a piece
   of flesh as any in the world.

   PUNT.  Indeed, sir!

   SOG.  Upon my gentility, sir:  Carlo, a word with you; do you see that same
   fellow, there?

   CAR.  What, cavalier Shirt?

   SOG.  O, you know him; cry you mercy:  before me, I think him the tallest
   man living within the walls of Europe.

   CAR.  The walls of Europe!  take heed what you say, signior, Europe's a
   huge thing within the walls.

   SOG.  'Tut, an 'twere as huge again, I'd justify what I speak.  'Slid, he
   swagger'd even now in a place where we were — I never saw a man do it more
   resolute.

   CAR.  Nay, indeed, swaggering is a good argument of resolution.  Do you
   hear this, signior?

   MACI.  Ay, to my grief.  O, that such muddy flags,
   For every drunken flourish should achieve
   The name of manhood, whilst true perfect valour,
   Hating to shew itself, goes by despised!
   Heart!  I do know now, in a fair just cause,
   I dare do more than he, a thousand times;
   Why should not they take knowledge of this, ha!
   And give my worth allowance before his?
   Because I cannot swagger. — Now, the pox
   Light on your Pickt-hatch prowess!

   SOG.  Why, I tell you, sir; he has been the only 'Bid-stand' that ever kept
   New-market, Salisbury-plain, Hockley i' the Hole, Gadshill, and all the
   high places of any request:  he has had his mares and his geldings, he,
   have been worth forty, threescore, a hundred pound a horse, would ha'
   sprung you over the hedge and ditch like your greyhound:  he has done five
   hundred robberies in his time, more or less, I assure you.

   PUNT.  What, and scaped?

   SOG.  Scaped!  i'faith, ay:  he has broken the gaol when he has been in
   irons and irons; and been out and in again; and out, and in; forty times,
   and not so few, he.

   MACI.  A fit trumpet, to proclaim such a person.

   CAR.  But can this be possible?

   SHIFT.  Pardon me, my dear Orestes; causes have their quiddits, and 'tis
   ill jesting with bell-ropes.

   CAR.  How!  Pylades and Orestes?

   SOG.  Ay, he is my Pylades, and I am his Orestes:  how like you the conceit?

   CAR.  O, 'tis an old stale interlude device; no, I'll give you names
   myself, look you; he shall be your Judas, and you shall be his elder-tree
   to hang on.

   MACI.  Nay, rather let him be captain Pod, and this his motion:  for he
   does nothing but shew him.

   CAR.  Excellent:  or thus; you shall be Holden, and he your camel.

   SHIFT.  You do not mean to ride, gentlemen?

   PUNT.  Faith, let me end it for you, gallants:  you shall be his
   Countenance, and he your Resolution.

   SOG.  Troth, that's pretty:  how say you, cavalier, shall it be so?

   CAR.  Ay, ay, most voices.

   SHIFT.  Faith, I am easily yielding to any good impressions.

   SOG.  Then give hands, good Resolution.

   CAR.  Mass, he cannot say, good Countenance, now, properly, to him again.

   PUNT.  Yes, by an irony.

   MACI.  O, sir, the countenance of Resolution should, as he is, be
   altogether grim and unpleasant.

   ENTER FASTIDIOUS BRISK.
   FAST.  Good hours make music with your mirth, gentlemen, and keep time to
   your humours! — How now, Carlo?

   PUNT.  Monsieur Brisk?  many a long look have I extended for you, sir.

   FAST.  Good faith, I must crave pardon:  I was invited this morning, ere I
   was out of my bed, by a bevy of ladies, to a banquet:  whence it was almost
   one of Hercules's labours for me to come away,
   but that the respect of my promise did so prevail with me.  I know they'll
   take it very ill, especially one, that gave me this bracelet of her hair
   but over night, and this pearl another gave me from her forehead, marry she
   — what!  are the writings ready?

   PUNT.  I will send my man to know.  Sirrah, go you to the notary's, and
   learn if he be ready:  leave the dog, sir.
   [EXIT SERVANT.

   FAST.  And how does my rare qualified friend, Sogliardo?  Oh, signior
   Macilente!  by these eyes, I saw you not; I had saluted you sooner else, o'
   my troth.  I hope, sir, I may presume upon you, that you will not divulge
   my late check, or disgrace, indeed, sir.

   MACI.  You may, sir.

   CAR.  He knows some notorious jest by this gull, that he hath him so
   obsequious.

   SOG.  Monsieur Fastidious, do you see this fellow there?  does he not look
   like a clown?  would you think there were any thing in him?

   FAST.  Any thing in him!  beshrew me, ay; the fellow hath a good ingenious
   face.

   SOG.  By this element he is as ingenious a tall man as ever swagger'd about
   London:  he, and I, call Countenance and Resolution; but his name is
   cavalier Shift.

   PUNT.  Cavalier, you knew signior Clog, that was hang'd for the robbery at
   Harrow on the hill?

   SOG.  Knew him, sir!  why, 'twas he gave all the directions for the action.

   PUNT.  How!  was it your project, sir?

   SHIFT.  Pardon me, Countenance, you do me some wrong to make occasions
   public, which I imparted to you in private.

   SOG.  God's will!  here are none but friends, Resolution.

   SHIFT.  That's all one; things of consequence must have their respects;
   where, how, and to whom. — Yes, sir, he shewed himself a true Clog in the
   coherence of that affair, sir; for, if he had managed matters as they were
   corroborated to him, it had been better for him by a forty or fifty score
   of pounds, sir; and he himself might have lived, in despight of fates, to
   have fed on woodcocks, with the rest:  but it was his heavy fortune to
   sink, poor Clog!  and therefore talk no more of him.

   PUNT.  Why, had he more aiders then?

   SOG.  O lord, sir!  ay, there were some present there, that were the Nine
   Worthies to him, i'faith.

   SHIFT.  Ay, sir, I can satisfy you at more convenient conference:  but, for
   mine own part, I have now reconciled myself to other courses, and profess a
   living out of my other qualities.

   SOG.  Nay, he has left all now, I assure you, and is able to live like a
   gentleman, by his qualities.  By this dog, he has the most rare gift in
   tobacco that ever you knew.

   CAR.  He keeps more ado with this monster, than ever Banks did with his
   horse, or the fellow with the elephant.

   MACI.  He will hang out his picture shortly, in a cloth, you shall see.

   SOG.  O, he does manage a quarrel the best that ever you saw, for terms and
   circumstances.

   FAST.  Good faith, signior, now you speak of a quarrel, I'll acquaint you
   with a difference that happened between a gallant and myself; sir
   Puntarvolo, you know him if I should name him signior Luculento.

   PUNT.  Luculento!  what inauspicious chance interposed itself to your two
   loves?

   FAST.  Faith, sir, the same that sundered Agamemnon and great Thetis' son;
   but let the cause escape, sir:  he sent me a challenge, mixt with some few
   braves, which I restored, and in fine we met.  Now, indeed, sir, I must
   tell you, he did offer at first very desperately, but without judgment:
   for, look you, sir, I cast myself into this figure; now he comes violently
   on, and withal advancing his rapier to strike, I thought to have took his
   arm, for he had left his whole body to my election, and I was sure he could
   not recover his guard.  Sir, I mist my purpose in his arm, rash'd his
   doublet-sleeve, ran him close by the left cheek, and through his hair.  He
   again lights me here, — I had on a gold cable hatband, then new come up,
   which I wore about a murey French hat I had, — cuts my hatband, and yet it
   was massy goldsmith's work, cuts my brims, which by good fortune, being
   thick embroidered with gold twist and spangles, disappointed the force of
   the blow:  nevertheless, it grazed on my shoulder, takes me away six purls
   of an Italian cut-work band I wore, cost me three pound in the Exchange but
   three days before.

   PUNT.  This was a strange encounter.

   FAST.  Nay, you shall hear, sir:  with this we both fell out, and breath'd.
   Now, upon the second sign of his assault, I betook me to the former manner
   of my defence; he, on the other side, abandon'd his body to the same danger
   as before, and follows me still with blows:  but I being loth to take the
   deadly advantage that lay before me of his left side, made a kind of
   stramazoun, ran him up to the hilts through the doublet, through the shirt,
   and yet miss'd the skin.  He, making a reverse blow, — falls upon my
   emboss'd girdle, I had thrown off the hangers a little before — strikes
   off a skirt of a thick-laced satin doublet I had, lined with four taffatas,
   cuts off two panes embroidered with pearl, rends through the drawings-out
   of tissue, enters the linings, and skips the flesh.

   CAR.  I wonder he speaks not of his wrought shirt.

   FAST.  Here, in the opinion of mutual damage, we paused; but, ere I
   proceed, I must tell you, signior, that, in this last encounter, not having
   leisure to put off my silver spurs, one of the rowels catch'd hold of the
   ruffle of my boot, and, being Spanish leather, and subject to tear,
   overthrows me, rends me two pair of silk stockings,  that I put on, being
   somewhat a raw morning, a peach colour and another, and strikes me some
   half inch deep into the side of the calf:  he, seeing the blood come,
   presently takes horse, and away:  I, having bound up my wound with a piece
   of my wrought shirt —

   CAR.  O!  comes it in there?

   FAST.  Rid after him, and, lighting at the court gate both together,
   embraced, and march'dhand in hand up into the presence.  Was not this
   business well carried?

   MACI.  Well!  yes, and by this we can guess what apparel the gentleman wore.

   PUNT.  'Fore valour, it was a designment begun with much resolution,
   maintain'd with as much prowess, and ended with more humanity. —
   RE-ENTER SERVANT.
   How now, what says the notary?

   SERV.  He says, he is ready, sir; he stays but your worship's pleasure.

   PUNT.  Come, we will go to him, monsieur.  Gentlemen, shall we entreat you
   to be witnesses?

   SOG.  You shall entreat me, sir. — Come, Resolution.

   SHIFT.  I follow you, good Countenance.

   CAR.  Come, signior, come, come.
   [EXEUNT ALL BUT MACILENTE.

   MACI.  O, that there should be fortune
   To clothe these men, so naked in desert!
   And that the just storm of a wretched life
   Beats them not ragged for their wretched souls,
   And, since as fruitless, even as black, as coals!
   [EXIT.

   MIT.  Why, but signior, how comes it that Fungoso appeared not with his
   sister's intelligence to Brisk?

   COR.  Marry, long of the evil angels that she gave him, who have indeed
   tempted the good simple youth to follow the tail of the fashion, and
   neglect the imposition of his friends.  Behold, here he comes, very
   worshipfully attended, and with good variety.

   SCENE V. — A ROOM IN DELIRO'S HOUSE

   ENTER FUNGOSO IN A NEW SUIT, FOLLOWED BY HIS TAILOR, SHOEMAKER, AND
   HABERDASHER.

   FUNG.  Gramercy, good shoemaker, I'll put to strings myself..
   [EXIT SHOEMAKER.] — Now, sir, let me see, what must you have for this hat?

   HABE.  Here's the bill, sir.

   FUNG.  How does it become me, well?

   TAI.  Excellent, sir, as ever you had any hat in your life.

   FUNG.  Nay, you'll say so all.

   HABE.  In faith, sir, the hat's as good as any man in this town can serve
   you, and will maintain fashion as long; never trust me for a groat else.

   FUNG.  Does it apply well to my suit?

   TAI.  Exceeding well, sir.

   FUNG.  How lik'st thou my suit, haberdasher?

   HABE.  By my troth, sir, 'tis very rarely well made; I never saw a suit sit
   better, I can tell on.

   TAI.  Nay, we have no art to please our friends, we!

   FUNG.  Here, haberdasher, tell this same.
   [GIVES HIM MONEY.

   HABE.  Good faith, sir, it makes you have an excellent body.

   FUNG.  Nay, believe me, I think I have as good a body in clothes as another.

   TAI.  You lack points to bring your apparel together, sir.

   FUNG.  I'll have points anon.  How now!  Is't right?

   HABE.  Faith, sir, 'tis too little' but upon farther hopes — Good morrow
   to you, sir.
   [EXIT.

   FUNG.  Farewell, good haberdasher.  Well now, master Snip, let me see your
   bill.

   MIT.  Me thinks he discharges his followers too thick.

   COR.  O, therein he saucily imitates some great man.  I warrant you, though
   he turns off them, he keeps this tailor, in place of a page, to follow him
   still.

   FUNG.  This bill is very reasonable, in faith:  hark you, master Snip —
   Troth, sir, I am not altogether so well furnished at this present, as I
   could wish I were; but — if you'll do me the favour to take part in hand,
   you shall have all I have, by this hand.

   TAI.  Sir —

   FUNG.  And but give me credit for the rest, till the beginning of the next
   term.

   TAI.  O lord, sir —

   FUNG.  'Fore God, and by this light, I'll pay you to the utmost, and
   acknowledge myself very deeply engaged to you by the courtesy.

   TAI.  Why, how much have you there, sir?

   FUNG.  Marry, I have here four angels, and fifteen shillings of white
   money:  it's all I have, as I hope to be blest

   TAI.  You will not fail me at the next term with the rest?

   FUNG.  No, an I do, pray heaven I be hang'd.  Let me never breathe again
   upon this mortal stage, as the philosopher calls it!  By this air, and as I
   am a gentleman, I'll hold.

   COR.  He were an iron-hearted fellow, in my judgment, that would not credit
   him upon this volley of oaths.

   TAI.  Well, sir, I'll not stick with any gentleman for a trifle:  you know
   what 'tis remains?

   FUNG.  Ay, sir, and I give you thanks in good faith.  O fate, how happy I
   am made in this good fortune!  Well, now I'll go seek out monsieur Brisk.
   'Ods so, I have forgot riband for my shoes, and points.  'Slid, what luck's
   this!  how shall I do?  Master Snip, pray let me reduct some two or three
   shillings for points and ribands:  as I am an honest man, I have utterly
   disfurnished myself, in the default of memory; pray let me be beholding to
   you; it shall come home in the bill, believe me.

   TAI.  Faith, sir, I can hardly depart with ready money; but I'll take up,
   and send you some by my boy presently.  What coloured riband would you have?

   FUNG.  What you shall think meet in your judgment, sir, to my suit.

   TAI.  Well, I'll send you some presently.

   FUNG.  And points too, sir?

   TAI.  And points too, sir.

   FUNG.  Good lord, how shall I study to deserve this kindness of you sir!
   Pray let your youth make haste, for I should have done a business an hour
   since, that I doubt I shall come too late.
   [EXIT TAILOR.]
   Now, in good faith, I am exceeding proud of my suit.

   COR.  Do you observe the plunges that this poor gallant is put to, signior,
   to purchase the fashion?

   MIT.  Ay, and to be still a fashion behind with the world, that's the sport.

   COR.  Stay:  O, here they come from seal'd and deliver'd.

   SCENE VI. — PUNTARVOLO'S LODGINGS.

   ENTER PUNTARVOLO, FASTIDIOUS BRISK IN A NEW SUIT, AND SERVANTS WITH THE DOG.

   PUNT.  Well, now my whole venture is forth, I will resolve to depart shortly.

   FAST.  Faith, sir Puntarvolo, go to the court, and take leave of the ladies
   first.

   PUNT.  I care not, if it be this afternoon's labour.  Where is Carlo?

   FAST.  Here he comes.

   ENTER CARLO, SOGLIARDO, SHIFT, AND MACILENTE.

   CAR.  Faith, gallants, I am persuading this gentleman [POINTS TO SOGLIARDO]
   to turn courtier.  He is a man of fair revenue, and his estate will bear
   the charge well.  Besides, for his other gifts of the mind, or so, why they
   are as nature lent him them, pure, simple, without any artificial drug or
   mixture of these two threadbare beggarly qualities, learning and knowledge,
   and therefore the more accommodate and genuine.  Now, for the life itself —

   FAST.  O, the most celestial, and full of wonder and delight, that can be
   imagined, signior, beyond thought and apprehension of pleasure!  A man
   lives there in that divine rapture, that he will think himself i' the ninth
   heaven for the time, and lose all sense of mortality whatsoever, when he
   shall behold such glorious, and almost immortal beauties; hear such
   angelical and harmonious voices, discourse with such flowing and ambrosial
   spirits, whose wits are as sudden as lightning, and humorous as nectar; oh,
   it makes a man all quintessence and flame, and lifts him up, in a moment,
   to the very crystal crown of the sky, where, hovering in the strength of
   his imagination, he shall behold all the delights of the Hesperides, the
   Insulae Fortunatae, Adonis' Gardens, Tempe, or what else, confined within
   the amplest verge of poesy, to be mere umbrae, and imperfect figures,
   conferred with the most essential felicity of your court.

   MACI.  Well, this ecomium was not extemporal, it came too perfectly off.

   CAR.  Besides, sir, you shall never need to go to a hot-house, you shall
   sweat there with courting your mistress, or losing your money at primero,
   as well as in all the stoves in Sweden.  Marry, this, sir, you must ever be
   sure to carry a good strong perfume about you, that your mistress's dog may
   smell you out amongst the rest; and, in making love to her, never fear to
   be out; for you may have a pipe of tobacco, or a bass viol shall hang o'
   the wall, of purpose, will put you in presently.  The tricks your
   Resolution has taught you in tobacco, the whiffe, and those sleights, will
   stand you in very good ornament there.

   FAST.  Ay, to some, perhaps; but, an he should come to my mistress with
   tobacco (this gentleman knows) she'd reply upon him, i'faith.  O, by this
   bright sun, she has the most acute, ready, and facetious wit that — tut,
   there's no spirit able to stand her.  You can report it, signior, you have
   seen her.

   PUNT.  Then can he report no less, out of his judgment, I assure him.

   MACI.  Troth, I like her well enough, but she's too self-conceited, methinks.

   FAST.  Ay, indeed, she's a little too self-conceited; an 'twere not for
   that humour, she were the most-to-be-admired lady in the world.

   PUNT.  Indeed, it is a humour that takes from her other excellences.

   MACI.  Why, it may easily be made to forsake her, in my thought.

   FAST.  Easily, sir!  then are all impossibilities easy.

   MACI.  You conclude too quick upon me, signior.  What will you say, if I
   make it so perspicuously appear now, that yourself shall confess nothing
   more possible?

   FAST.  Marry, I will say, I will both applaud and admire you for it.

   PUNT.  And I will second him in the admiration.

   MACI.  Why, I'll show you, gentlemen. — Carlo, come hither.
   [MACI., CAR., PUNT., AND FAST. WHISPER TOGETHER.

   SOG.  Good faith, I have a great humour to the court.  What thinks my
   Resolution?  shall I adventure?

   SHIFT.  Troth, Countenance, as you please; the place is a place of good
   reputation and capacity.

   SOG.  O, my tricks in tobacco, as Carlo says, will show excellent there.

   SHIFT.  Why, you may go with these gentlemen now, and see fashions; and
   after, as you shall see correspondence.

   SOG.  You say true.  You will go with me, Resolution?

   SHIFT.  I will meet you, Countenance, about three or four o'clock; but, to
   say to go with you, I cannot; for, as I am Apple-John, I am to go before
   the cockatrice you saw this morning, and therefore pray, present me
   excused, good Countenance.

   SOG.  Farewell, good Resolution, but fail not to meet.

   SHIFT.  As I live.
   [EXIT.

   PUNT.  Admirably excellent!

   MACI.  If you can but persuade Sogliardo to court, there's all now.

   CAR.  O, let me alone, that's my task.
   [GOES TO SOGLIARDO.

   FAST.  Now, by wit, Macilente, it's above measure excellent; 'twill be the
   only court-exploit that ever proved courtier ingenious.

   PUNT.  Upon my soul, it puts the lady quite out of her humour, and we shall
   laugh with judgment.

   CAR.  Come, the gentleman was of himself resolved to go with you, afore I
   moved it.

   MACI.  Why, then, gallants, you two and Carlo go afore to prepare the jest;
   Sogliardo and I will come some while after you.

   CAR.  Pardon me, I am not for the court.

   PUNT.  That's true; Carlo comes not at court, indeed.  Well, you shall
   leave it to the faculty of monsieur Brisk, and myself; upon our lives, we
   will manage it happily.  Carlo shall bespeak supper at the Mitre, against
   we come back:  where we will meet and dimple our cheeks with laughter at
   the success.

   CAR.  Ay, but will you promise to come?

   PUNT.  Myself shall undertake for them; he that fails, let his reputation
   lie under the lash of thy tongue.

   CAR.  Ods so, look who comes here!

   ENTER FUNGOSO.

   SOG.  What, nephew!

   FUNG.  Uncle, God save you; did you see a gentleman, one monsieur Brisk, a
   courtier?  he goes in such a suit as I do.

   SOG.  Here is the gentleman, nephew, but not in such a suit.

   FUNG.  Another suit!

   SOG.  How now, nephew?

   FAST.  Would you speak with me, sir?

   CAR.  Ay, when he has recovered himself, poor Poll!

   PUNT.  Some rosa-solis.

   MACI.  How now, signior?

   FUNG.  I am not well, sir.

   MACI.  Why, this it is to dog the fashion.

   CAR.  Nay, come, gentlemen, remember your affairs; his disease is nothing
   but the flux of apparel.

   PUNT.  Sirs, return to the lodging, keep the cat safe; I'll be the dog's
   guardian myself.
   [EXEUNT SERVANTS.

   SOG.  Nephew, will you go to court with us?  these gentlemen and I are for
   the court; nay, be not so melancholy.

   FUNG.  'Slid, I think no man in Christendom has that rascally fortune that
   I have.

   MACI.  Faith, you suit is well enough, signior.

   FUNG.  Nay, not for that, I protest; but I had an errand to monsieur
   Fastidious, and I have forgot it.

   MACI.  Why, go along to court with us, and remember it; come, gentlemen,
   you three take one boat, and Sogliardo and I will take another; we shall be
   there instantly.

   FAST.  Content:  good sir, vouchsafe us your pleasance.

   PUNT.  Farewell, Carlo:  remember.

   CAR.  I warrant you:  would I had one of Kemp's shoes to throw after you.

   PUNT.  Good fortune will close the eyes of our jest, fear not; and we shall
   frolick.
   [EXEUNT.

   MIT.  This Macilente, signior, begins to be more sociable on a sudden,
   methinks, than he was before:  there's some portent in it, I believe.

   COR.  O, he's a fellow of a strange nature.  Now does he, in this calm of
   his humour, plot, and store up a world of malicious thoughts in his brain,
   till he is so full with them, that you shall see the very torrent of his
   envy break forth like a land-flood:  and, against the course of all their
   affections, oppose itself so violently, that you will almost have wonder to
   think, how 'tis possible the current of their dispositions shall receive so
   quick and strong an alteration.

   MIT.  Ay, marry, sir, this is that, on which my expectation has dwelt all
   this while; for I must tell you, signior, though I was loth to interrupt
   the scene, yet I made it a question in mine own private discourse, how he
   should properly call it "Every Man out of his Humour", when I saw all his
   actors so strongly pursue, and continue their humours?

   COR.  Why, therein his art appears most full of lustre, and approacheth
   nearest the life; especially when in the flame and height of their humours,
   they are laid flat, it fills the eye better, and with more contentment.
   How tedious a sight were it to behold a proud exalted tree kept and cut
   down by degrees, when it might be fell'd in a moment!  and to set the axe
   to it before it came to that pride and fulness, were, as not to have it
   grow.

   MIT.  Well, I shall long till I see this fall, you talk of.

   COR.  To help your longing, signior, let your imagination be swifter than a
   pair of oars:  and by this, suppose Puntarvolo, Brisk, Fungoso, and the
   dog, arrived at the court-gate, and going up to the great chamber.
   Macilente and Sogliardo, we'll leave them on the water, till possibility
   and natural means may land them.  Here come the gallants, now prepare your
   expectations.

   SCENE I. — THE PALACE STAIRS.

   ENTER PUNTARVOLO, WITH HIS DOG, FOLLOWED BY FASTIDIOUS
   BRISK AND FUNGOSO.

   PUNT.  Come, gentles, Signior, you are sufficiently instructed.

   FAST.  Who, I, sir?

   PUNT.  No, this gentleman.  But stay, I take thought how to bestow my dog;
   he is no competent attendant for the presence.

   FAST.  Mass, that's true, indeed, knight; you must not carry him into the
   presence.

   PUNT.  I know it, and I, like a dull beast, forgot to bring one of my
   cormorants to attend me.

   FAST.  Why, you were best leave him at the porter's lodge.

   PUNT.  Not so; his worth is too well known amongst them, to be forth-coming.

   FAST.  'Slight, how will you do then?

   PUNT.  I must leave him with one that is ignorant of his quality, if I will
   have him to be safe.  And see!  here comes one that will carry coals, ergo,
   will hold my dog.
   ENTER A GROOM, WITH A BASKET.
   My honest friend, may I commit the tuition of this dog to thy prudent care?

   GROOM.  You may, if you please, sir.

   PUNT.  Pray thee let me find thee here at my return; it shall not be long,
   till I will ease thee of thy employment, and please thee.  Forth, gentles.

   FAST.  Why, but will you leave him with so slight command, and infuse no
   more charge upon the fellow?

   PUNT.  Charge!  no; there were no policy in that; that were to let him know
   the value of the gem he holds, and so to tempt frail nature against her
   disposition.  No, pray thee let thy honesty be sweet, as it shall be short.

   GROOM.  Yes, sir.

   PUNT.  But hark you, gallants, and chiefly monsieur Brisk:  when we come in
   eye-shot, or presence of this lady, let not other matters carry us from our
   project; but, if we can, single her forth to some place —

   FAST.  I warrant you.

   PUNT.  And be not too sudden, but let the device induce itself with good
   circumstance.  On.

   FUNG.  Is this the way?  good truth, here be fine hangings.
   [EXEUNT PUNT., FAST., AND FUNGOSO.

   GROOM.  Honesty!  sweet, and short!  Marry, it shall, sir, doubt you not;
   for even at this instant if one would give me twenty pounds, I would not
   deliver him; there's for the sweet:  but now, if any man come offer me but
   two-pence, he shall have him; there's for the short now.  'Slid, what a mad
   humorous gentleman is this to leave his dog with me!  I could run away with
   him now, an he were worth any thing.

   ENTER MACILENTE AND SOGLIARDO.
   MACI.  Come on, signior, now prepare to court this all-witted lady, most
   naturally, and like yourself.

   SOG.  Faith, an you say the word, I'll begin to her in tobacco.

   MACI.  O, fie on't!  no; you shall begin with, "How does my sweet lady",
   or, "Why are you so melancholy, madam?" though she be very merry, it's all
   one.  Be sure to kiss your hand often enough; pray for her health, and tell
   her, how "More than most fair she is".  Screw your face at one side thus,
   and protest:  let her fleer, and look askance, and hide her teeth with her
   fan, when she laughs a fit, to bring her into more matter, that's nothing:
   you must talk forward, (though it be without sense, so it be without
   blushing,) 'tis most court-like and well.

   SOG.  But shall I not use tobacco at all?

   MACI.  O, by no means; 'twill but make your breath suspected, and that you
   use it only to confound the rankness of that.

   SOG.  Nay, I'll be advised, sir, by my friends.

   MACI.  Od's my life, see where sir Puntarvolo's dog is.

   GROOM.  I would the gentleman would return for his follower here, I'll
   leave him to his fortunes else.

   MACI.  'Twere the only true jest in the world to poison him now; ha!  by
   this hand I'll do it, if I could but get him of the fellow.  [ASIDE.]
   Signior Sogliardo, walk aside, and think upon some device to entertain the
   lady with.

   SOG.  So I do, sir.
   [WALKS OFF IN A MEDITATING POSTURE.

   MACI.  How now, mine honest friend!  whose dog-keeper art thou?

   GROOM.  Dog-keeper, sir!  I hope I scorn that, i'faith.

   MACI.  Why, dost thou not keep a dog?

   GROOM.  Sir, now I do, and now I do not:  [THROWS OFF THE DOG.]  I think
   this be sweet and short.  Make me his dog-keeper!
   [EXIT.

   MACI.  This is excellent, above expectation!  nay, stay, sir; [SEIZING THE
   DOG.] you'd be travelling; but I'll give you a dram shall shorten your
   voyage, here.  [GIVES HIM POISON.]  So, sir, I'll be bold to take my leave
   of you.  Now to the Turk's court in the devil's name, for you shall never
   go o' God's name. [KICKS HIM OUT.] — Sogliardo, come.

   SOG.  I have it i'faith now, will sting it.

   MACI.  Take heed you leese it not signior, ere you come there; preserve it.
   [EXEUNT.

   COR.  How like you this first exploit of his?

   MIT.  O, a piece of true envy; but I expect the issue of the other device.

   COR.  Here they come will make it appear.