FATE!
"Owth's Ikey?"
"Vy, Ikeyth's dead."
"You don't thay so. Vy I thor him goin' ter the thinagogue lathst week."
"Vell, ith's all along of that thinagogue that Ikeyth's dead. They was a-justh coming out, ven someone outside shouted out, 'Sale goin' ter commenth,' and Ikey was killed in the crush!"
THE NOBLE ART
PRO BONO PUBLICO
Discontented Artist: "I wish I had a fortune. I would never paint again."
Generous "Brother-Brush": "By Jove, old man, I wish I had one. I'd give it to you!"
ACCOMMODATING
Customer: "I want a respirator, please."
Chemist: "I'm afraid, sir, we haven't one your size in stock, but if you will wait until I go and get a tape-measure, I will get you one made!"
AT A PROVINCIAL BANQUET
Flunkey: "Excuse me, mum, but the banquet has commenced, and I can't admit you. Them's my orders."
She: "But the Mayor is here, isn't he?"
Flunkey: "Oh, yes, he's here right enough."
She: "Well, but I'm his lady."
Flunkey: "It makes no difference, mum; I couldn't admit you if you were his wife."
ON THE BRAIN
ALL THE DIFFERENCE
Barmaid: "I beg pardon, I have taken twopence too much. I didn't know you were an actor. I thought you were only a gentleman!"
THREE MEN IN A BOOT
A FRIEND IN NEED
Invalid: "I sometimes feel inclined to blow my brains out."
Friend: "I shouldn't advise you to try it, old chap, you know you're a bad shot, and there's nothing much to aim at!"
Cousin Jane: "I want ma to have her portrait painted. Who would you recommend?"
Cousin George: "Stacy Marks."
AN UPRIGHT COURSE
Parson: "Tell me, my good man, do you know the way to heaven?"
Old Cantankerous (who doesn't like parsons): "Well, I sh'd think if you was to follow your nose, it 'ud be a short cut!"
ON THE SANDS
Machine Man (to bather who has been complaining that he was not taken out far enough): "Why, lor bless yer, Sir, I once know'd a man who could dive in two foot of water."
Bather: "And where's he buried?"
WOMANLY
First Philanthropist: "Cannot we start a society for the employment of the poor Russian Jews?"
Second Ditto: "Well, you see, what could they do? You know that they can't speak English."
First Ditto: "Oh, get them something to do on the railway, to call out the names of the stations, for instance."
OUR CLIMATE
"Look here, that barometer you sold me a month ago has got out of order, it won't work."
"Well, you see, sir, look what a lot of wear and tear 'e's 'ad lately."
FRENCH, AS SHE IS SPOKE
French Professor: "How would you pronounce t-o-u-t-a-f-a-i-t?"
Pupil: "Totty Fay."
HARD LINES
Day Policeman (relieving night-man): "How's the missus?"
Night Policeman: "I don't know. 'Aven't seen her for ten years."
Day Policeman: "But ye're living together, aren't yer?"
Night Policeman: "Yes, but she's a charwoman, an' is out all day, an' I'm out all night. So we've never met since we came back from our honeymoon."
MUTUAL CONSIDERATION
Art Critic: "What do you think of Alma Cadmium's painting?"
Artist: "Oh, I think it is superb."
Art Critic: "I'm surprised to hear you say that. He says just the reverse of yours."
Artist: "Ah, well, perhaps we're both mistaken!"
BRITONS IN PARIS
First Englishman: "Where shall we go?"
Second Englishman (who does not know that 'relâche' means that the piece is taken off): "Let's go to the Eden and see 'Relâche'!"
READY FOR THE BALL
"Phwell and phwat do ye think of me, darlint?"
"Shure ye look jist illigent, but I phwish it wur a mask ball!"
BEFORE HIS FRIENDS
Brown (who likes to be thought a swell, and who has been entrusted with a friend's brougham for the night): "Home, John."
John: "Where's that, sir?"
THE NEW JEW
"And so you're going to marry a Christian and disgrace your poor old father."
"Yeth, but I'm goin' to change my name to Smith."
"But what are you goin' to do with that nose?"
"Yes, I was three months in the dessert, with nothing to drink but camel's milk."
"Didn't it give you the hump!"
THE VICTIM OF CIRCUMSTANCES
Pious Friend: "Dear me, I'm sorry to see you coming out of a public-house, Mr. Brown."
"Couldn't help it, ole fel' (hic), I was chucked out!"
THE CAPE MAIL
Clerk: "The letter is too heavy. It will require an extra stamp."
She: "Won't that make it heavier?"
"What the deuce are you smoking, old chap?"
"Well, you see, the doctor has limited me to one cigar a day!"
INFORMATION
Obliging Driver (to country visitor, who is trying to see London from the top of a 'bus in an intense fog): "That there's the Halbert Memorial, but you can't see it!"
AN IDLE FELLOW
Visitor: "I hear you've had the celebrated Mr. Abbey, the artist, staying with you down here."
Proprietor of Old-Fashioned Inn: "Yes, sir, an' he be the laziest man I ever came across. He do nothing but dror and paint all day!"
Grandpapa (to Tommy, who has just come home from school): "And did you get a good place in your class at the last examination?"
Tommy: "Yes; next to the stove."
A PLEASANT PROSPECT
"Grandma, shall I have a face like you when I get old?"
"Yes, my dear, if you're good."
REALISM
Comedian: "The critic of the Back Alley Chronicle described me as giving a very 'saponaceous' rendering to my part. What does 'saponaceous' mean, dear boy?"
Tragedian (with learned dignity): "Cudgel not thy brains with words higher than thy bloomin' salary."
AT THE RIDING SCHOOL
Nervous Pupil: "When do you think I shall go on the road?"
Riding Master: "Very soon, if you don't sit better than that."
She: "But I really thought you were much taller than you are, Mr. Smith."
He: "Oh, no! Not a bit, I assure you!"
A PROMINENT FEATURE
"Hillo, Bill! What's the matter with your nose?"
"I don't know. Think my conscience must have pricked it."
FORCE OF HABIT
Prison Photographer (who has just obtained the post, to sitter, who is about to undergo twenty years' penal servitude): "Now sir, look pleasant!"
THE UNKINDEST CUT
He: "I grew a beard and moustache for ten years, and I forgot what I was like without, so I just shaved to see."
She: "And weren't you shocked?"
"Hillo, Bill—blind again?"
"I beg pardon, I'm not blind at all; asha-matterer-fac, I can see twiche-ash-much as you."
In Her War-Paint