A New York Parvenu—Jonathan's Account of his Cousin Jason Slick, and how Jason was too lazy to work, and got rich on soft sodder—The dinner of a Connecticut Coaster—A New York Coat of Arms, lions couchant and levant—Yankee Ancestry—The way a Yankee speculates, and gets up States, Railroads and Banks, by soft sodder.
Dear Par:
It is eenamost twelve o'clock, jest arter New Years, and here I be as wide awake as a night hawk, and a feeling purty considerably rily in the upper story. So I believe it'll be about the best thing I can du tu clap down and tell you all about New Year's Day here in York.
But first I want tu tell you something about all the trials and troubles that I've had tu go through since I wrote my last letter—I don't believe there ever was a human critter so chased arter as I've been. They talk about Cherry street not being fashionable, but I'll be darned if I believe there's a more genteel street in the city. It's the folks that live in a place that make it genteel or not, and if Cherry street aint at the top of the mark afore many more weeks, it'll be because I move my office out on it, for there's no eend to the great shiny carriages that come down and stop afore my door, eenamost every hour in the day. It raly does look funny enough to see great pussey fellers, as big as the side of the house, a sitting in them things all bolstered up with cushions and kivered over with skins, like a baby shut up in a go-cart afore it begins tu run alone.
T'other day there was one of these fat chaps come into my office, and sot out tu make me believe that he was a sort of a relation of mine. I didn't feel jest right, for since I begun to print my letters in the Express it beats all natur how many relations, that I never heard on afore, have been a trying tu scrape an acquaintance with me. Wal, after a good deal of beating about the bush, this chap at last made out purty tolerably clear that he was a kind of a great toe cousin of our'n, and that he was born and brought up in Weathersfield. He come his soft sodder over me mighty smooth, and had a good deal to say about how much he thought of us all, and how fond he'd been of Sam and me. I wish you could a seen how he pussed out his mouth and breathed through his nose, and what a heap of pomposity he put on when he was a talking. He acted jest like our old turkey gobler, when he goes training the young turkeys round the barnyard, with his wings feathered out and his tail spread. Wal, arter talking all kinds of rigmarole for about an hour, he begun to tell how hard it was for a young man tu start in the world, and git along without somebody tu give him a push up the hill, and that it didn't make much odds how much genius a man had, or how smart he was, if he hadn't some rich and influential friend tu back him up.
"Now," sez he, "cousin Slick," and you can't think how easy he seemed tu call me cousin; "you've done purty well since you come to York, considering that you hadn't nobody to help you along but Mr. Beebe; but you must git a peg higher yit; we must introduce you among the aristocracy."
"The what?" sez I.
"The aristocracy," sez he agin, strutting back, and poking one hand down into his trousers' pocket, as if he was a going tu take something out.
Wal, think sez I, I s'pose arter he's fumbled about long enough, he'll show me what aristocracy is, if he carries it about in his pocket like the rest on 'em; but he only took out a piece of pinted gold, and begun to poke it between his teeth; and arter he'd got through, he made out tu finish what he was a saying.
"Now," sez he, "I think I've seen Mr. Beebe at the New England dinner, and at one or two places of that sort where one meets almost every body, and for a merchant that hasn't made enough to leave off business, I dare say he's a very respectable sort of a man, but he don't exactly belong tu the—the; that is, tu the class—who—which I mean tu take you inter, Mr. Slick; a class that claim some standing from their ancestors—men of family, that can be traced back like our's, cousin."
"Yes," sez I, sort o' pleased, "I believe we never had many relations tu be ashamed on. Par always used to say that grandpa Slick could make about the harnsomest pair of cow-hide boots of any feller in Weathersfield; and as for uncle Josh, I'd be darned if ever I saw his equal at shoeing a hos. They were prime old chaps both on 'em—rale peelers, I can tell you. Now, come tu think on it, there was one lazy coot of a feller that never would work for a living; but he went off when I was a little shaver, and our folks don't know what became of him. He warn't much credit to us, that's a fact."
I don't know what on arth made my pussey cousin get so fedgety all tu once, but he begun to hitch about in his chair, and turned as red as a winter apple; and, sez he—
"Cousin Slick, this isn't the way we gentlemen prove that we are men of family. If that was the way we did it, there aint many men in the country that would go back two generations without breaking their neck over a lap stone or an anvil. Now I have taken a good deal of pains to trace out our family line, and the only way I could du it was to skip all the mechanics and farmers, jest touch slightly on the merchants, lawyers and ministers, but to dwell purty particularly hard on them that lived high and did nothing; now a days it helps a feller along a good deal if he can count up an author or so; and it was considered something of a feather in a man's cap if any of his relations were sent to Congress a few years ago; but now, since they've got a kicking up a dust every other day in the Capitol, and to spitting fire at each other like dogs and cats, it don't help a man much to claim any of them for connexions except here and there one that has got decency enough to be ashamed of the rest. I begin to be glad that none of our family ever got into politics much; but step to the door cousin Slick, and I'll show you the coat-of-arms that I've got on my carriage."
"Wal," sez I, "I don't care if I du, though it comes kinder tough to leave the stove this cold day." With that I tipped down my chair, and took my feet off from the stove and went to the door. By gracious! but he had a smasher of a coach standing there. It glistened and shone in the sun like a house afire. A great strapping nigger sot on a kind of double chair with a low narrer back, kivered over with fine brown broadcloth, all fringed and tossled off like any thing—and a great bear skin was hauled up over his legs, all scolloped off with red cloth and stuck over with coons' tails. The horses beat all live critters I ever did see; they were as black as crows, and I couldn't say which glistened the most, their tarnal smooth coots, or the harness put over them. They were all kivered over and sot out with silver. The horses had great yaller roses stuck on the sides of their heads, like a gal when she's dressed up for a party. My pussey cousin, he opened the door, and sez he,
"Look a here, cousin, haint this purty well got up?"
I looked inside, and there was a leetle sort of a room about big enough for cousin Beebe to put his swarry in, if he wanted to carry it about with him. It was all lined off and stuck full of cushions, and tossled and fringed like a curtained bed. Two great spotted skins lay tumbled up in the bottom, and there were leetle glass doors with steps to them on both sides; it raly was harnsome enough to make a feller's eyes feel snow-blind.
"Wal," sez I, a looking at my pussey cousin; "this does about take the shine off eenamost all the coaches that ever stopped to my office—and there's been a grist on 'em, I can tell you, and some with tarnal handsome ladies in them too."
"Yes," sez he, sort of interrupting what I was going to say; "but you haint a looking at the coat of arms—that is what I want you to see."
"Wal," sez I, a giving the nigger a purty general survey, that sot back of the horses dressed up in sort of regimentals, all finefied off with buttons and yaller cloth; "The coat is well enough—I don't see much to find fault with in it, though to own the truth, Captin Wolf, of the Weathersfield Independent Company, had a training coat that beats it all tu nothing. As for the critter's arms, niggers may be different to white people in that way, but I don't see much odds—mebby you mean this other chap's, and his are long enough, that's a fact."
With that I jest took a good squint at a great tall shote of a feller, with arms like a pair of flails hung up arter threshing. He was a standing up back of the coach, and a hanging on to a couple of great tossels fastened to it, as independent as a monkey in a show. His coat and trousers were just like the nigger's, and he had a great wide band of gold stuff round his hat! my pussey cousin only shook his head when I looked at the chap. The nigger twisted his neck round, and the tall varmint stuck his'n up, and they begun to grin and tee hee at each other over the coach.
"See here, this is what I mean," sez my cousin; and his fat cheek begun to grow red with the cold or something. With that he put his finger on a picter, all sprigged out with gold that was figgered on the door, and sez he, "this is the coat and arms."
"Wal," sez I, "I've seen a good many picters, but I never heard them called by that name afore. I s'pose this is some York notion that you've picked up, aint it?"
"It's the ginuine thing," sez he, "and I paid a deal of money for it, I can tell you."
"Wal," sez I, a looking at the consarn purty sharp; "them two critters a lying down there cut a considerable of a dash, that's a fact; but the rooster on the top, that are beats all. It's so nat'ral, it seems to me as if I could hear it cockadoodledoo right out."
"Yes," sez my cousin, "that is well done, aint it? But I see you don't exactly comprehend the science of heraldry. Now all these things mean something."
"You don't say so!" sez I.
"These are lions couchant," sez he, a pinting tu the wild critters.
"You don't say so!" sez I agin; "I've seen a good many lions in the shows that travel through Weathersfield, but I never saw a croushong afore. They look purty much alike, don't they though?"
With that the two varmints stuck up at each eend of the carriage begun tu tee hee agin, and my pussey cousin, sez he, "Mr. Slick, supposing we go in."
"Wal," sez I, "but if you'd jest as lives, I should kinder like tu know what the rooster means afore we go."
"Can't you guess what part of the Slick family that belongs to?" sez he, a strutting up and rubbing his hands together as proud as could be.
"Wal," sez I, "I don't know, without it belongs to Aunt Lydia—par's old maid of a sister; she sartinly did beat all natur at raising chickens. You never heard of an egg turning out rotten, or a duck gitting drowned, on her premises."
With that the two chaps giggled right out, and stuck their fists into their darn'd great tatur-traps as if they felt a cold; and my pussey cousin, sez he, "it's a gitting cold—less go in."
"Wal," sez I, "I don't care if we du; but I tell you what, if them two chaps don't jest hush up their yop, I'll give them both an allfired thrashing—I will, by gosh!"
I ruther guess the two mean critters hauled in their horns a few at this; and arter I'd gin them both a purty savage look, we went into the office agin.
"Now," sez my pussey cousin, jest as soon as we'd both sot down agin, "Cousin Slick, I've found you out, and I mean to du something for you—something harnsome, you may depend on't. Jest you call up to my house next New Year's day, and git acquainted with my folks, and arter that you needn't be consarned about anything. I'm purty well known here in the city, and my relation can hold up his head almost anywhere, I should think! I was down tu the Astor House t'other day," sez he, a stopping to git breath and stretching both his legs out straight, while he stuck both hands in his pockets, mighty big, "and there was that foreign Count and Miss Miles's brother running on about you, and swearing that they'd skin you alive the first time they caught you in Broadway; but I went up tu them, and sez I, 'that young gentleman is a near relation of mine, and anything you say agin him, I take tu myself.' You can't think, cousin Jonathan, what an impression it made! So you needn't have the least fear of what they can du while I stand by you—they know me."
With that, my pussey cousin got up—and arter he'd shook hands with me, he went off, carriage and all. I say, par, I wish I could give you some idee of him. Did you ever see a great spotted toad a swelling under a harrer, or a turkey gobbler jest afore thanksgiving?
I say nothing; but didn't I larf arter he'd gone. The great stuck-up bear, with his family, and his hens and roosters—he go to grass.
Wal, jest as soon as my pussey cousin had cleared out, I put on my hat, and streaked it down to Peck slip, for Captin Doolittle has jest put in agin with another load of garden sarce; and think sez I, mebby he can tell me something about this chap, for he knows eenamost everybody that ever lived anywhere about Weathersfield.
The Captin had jest sot down to dinner, and was a digging away like all natur, at a hunk of cold pork and a raw onion; a mug of something hot stood on the locker afore him, and he looked like live, I can tell you.
"Wal, Jonathan," sez he, a looking kinder skewing at my new trousers, "Wont you set by and take a bite?"
"Wal," sez I, "I shoudn't mind if I did, but to-morrow is New Year's, and I've got tu go and see a hull heap of these York gals, and I'm afeard my breath will smell of the onions."
I wish you could a seen how Captin Doolittle stared, as he stuck his face close up tu mine, giving his jack-knife a grip, he struck the butt eend of it down on the locker, and sez he,
"Jonathan, they're a spiling you down here in York, they be, by hokey! Go hum, I tell you, and marry Judy White—she knows what's what, and I can tell you these York gals that turn up their noses at the smell of onions, can't have decent bringing up any how. They've sot you agin onions already, and it wont be a great while afore you'll turn agin your own relations."
"Now," sez I, "Captain Doolittle, don't say that are, it makes me feel bad, and I don't desarve it. A feller that will let money, or a stuck up name, or the handsomest gal that ever trod shoe leather set him agin his own father and mother, desarves tu be kicked tu death by grasshoppers."
This seemed to sort of mollify the captin, but he stripped the peel off another onion mighty wrothy, and arter a minit sez he. "Wal, Jonathan, I'm glad to hear that you've got some of your old notions left, but I always make a pint not to talk when I'm a eating, so if you won't set by, why just keep a stiff jaw while I stow away another slice of pork and this piece of onion, and then I'm the man for you."
With that he went to cutting off a chunk of pork and a chunk of onion to hand about, till it fairly made my eyes water to see him crunch them down. Arter a while he wiped his jack-knife on his cuff, shut it tew with a jerk, and put it in his trousers' pocket; then he took a pull at the mug, and arter he'd got a long nine purty well a going, he stretched out his legs, and sez he:
"Wal, Jonathan, what did you come for, if you didn't want nothing to eat?"
With that I sot down and told him all about my pussey cousin. I could see that the critter had heard on him afore by the way he twisted his mouth around about the long nine; but when I told him about the carriage and rooster and so on, he jest took and gave the long nine a fling, clapped his thumb agin the side of his nose, and winking one eye, make his fingers twinkle up and down for as much as a minit without saying a word; arter a while he asked the critter's name, and when I told him, he jumped up, cut a pigeon wing over the locker, and stopping right afore me, winked t'other eye, and sez he—
"Look a here, Jonathan, didn't your par never tell you about Jase Slick, the great lazy coon, that got married and went off West, because he was so allfired lazy that he couldn't git a living like other folks? Jest let me cool off a leetle, and I'll tell you all about him."
With that the Captin brushed away the onion skins and we sot down together on the locker, and sez he—"Mebby your par never told you what an etarnal lazy shote Jase was, but he did beat all natur for doing nothing but swop jack-knives and pitch coppers. He was a tickler though at trapping mushrats and shooting foxes, and he use to send the skins down here to York. Now it aint common that you'll find a lazy shack of a feller very tight about money, but Jase was as close as the bark of a tree; he'd a skinned a musketoe any day for the hide and taller. I don't believe the critter ever stood treat in his hull life; I don't, by gracious.
"Wal, arter all, he warn't a bad hearted feller; but when he see that all the gals turned up their noses at him, and didn't give him invites to their quiltings and so on, he coaxed me to let him work his passage down here to York. He used to send his skins by me, and so I kinder felt for him, and kept track on him a good while arter he got here. He did purty tolerably well at first, considering who it was—he bought a hand-cart, and took people's trunks and sich things up from the steamboats and sloops that put into Peck slip; but there was too much work about that to suit him; so he got somebody to lend him a little money and sot up a rum shop close by the slip.
"Arter that," sez the Captin, a picking up his long nine and a lighting it, "arter that I kinder lost track on him, but somebody told me that he'd swopped off his stock and gone out West. Wal, two years go by purty quick, you know, Jonathan—or if you don't know, you will, when you git to be as old as I am—and I couldn't but jest believe it was so long since I'd seen the critter, when I met him smash in the face one day when I was a scooting up Wall-street, to get specie for a five dollar bill. Gracious me! how he was a strutting up the side-walk—didn't he cut a swarth—with his shiney black coat and the bunch of golden seals a hanging down from his watch fob! He didn't seem to know me at fust, but I went right straight up to him and sez I—
"'Wal, Jase, how do you do?' I never—how he did look! First he kinder held out his hand a leetle, and then he hauled it back agin, and, sez he, 'how do you du, sir?' but he seemed to be all in a twitter. I didn't seem to mind it, but I stuck my hands in my pockets jest as you do, Jonathan, there in your picters—and sez I—
"'Tough and hearty as ever. How does the world use you about these times?'
"It was as much as I could du to keep from larfin right out, to see the etarnal pussey critter skew his head round and look at the stream of men that was a going up and down on each side of the way, as if he was afraid that some on 'em would see us, the mean sneaking coot! Arter a minit he sez, sez he, 'Captin, I'm in a hurry now, but I s'pose you can be found in the old place. Good morning.'
"With that he jest put both hands under his coat tail, and tilting it up a leetle, went sailing along up the side-walk like a prize hog jest afore killing time. I snorted right out all I could du to help it. Then I bent down my knees a leetle, and stuck my hands down hard in both pockets, and I ruther guess the whistle I sent arter him made all the folks stare a few. It wasn't good manners, but I sarved him right. Jonathan, I'd been a friend to the critter when he wanted one bad enough, and any man on arth that's ashamed of his acquaintances because he's got a peg above them in the way of money is a coward and a mean shote,—there's no two ways about that.
"Wal, arter seeing Jase in the street so stuck up, I jest inquired a little about him, what he'd been a doing and so on; and arter a while, I found out what made him so mighty obstroporous. You see he'd found out it warn't so easy tu git a living in York without doing some kind of work, so he absquatelated, as they say down here—but I don't think that's a ginuine word—and went off West.
"There he mushquashed round in the woods till he got tired of that kind of fun, and then he squat down on a section of wild land, cogitating a way tu git a living without grubbing for it. Arter a while he went round to all the places that had any people to brag on, and put up to the taverns, and told every body he met there about the spot where his land lay—what capital land it was—what good water and allfired heavy timber. He sent here tu York and got him a map all pictured out chuck full of water privileges and all sorts of things, till he raly made the people believe that he'd found the very spot where the millinium was a going tu begin; a place where every holler tree was stuck full of honey comb, where the wild cats went pouring about like so many rabbits, and the hen hawks cum down as kind as could be tu help the hens feed their little chickens.
"Wal, it warn't long afore his soft sodder begun to work among the greenhorns like yeast in a kneading trough full of dough. Jonathan, if you ever see a flock of sheep shut up in a paster, you know something worth while about human natur. The minit one takes it into his head to clear the stun wall for another lot, the others all foller hilter skilter, as if the old Harry had kicked them on eend. Your Cousin Jase knew a thing or two about the natur of mankind—he got the first sheep to make a jump, and, hurra! it warn't no time before his section was all cut up into town lots, and grist mills whirling three stuns, wherever there was a quart of water tu make them go; and there was no eend to the corduroy roads and log bridges, and great kivered waggons, chuck full of women and children and other housen stuff, with baskets and brass kittles a hanging on behind, that travelled over them eenamost from one year tu another. When folks began tu wonder what on arth he'd du next, the critter got his territory transmogrified into a State, and then he sot railroads a twistyfying every which way all through his lands; and that made things rise in value like a toad stool in a hot night.
"By the living hokey, the critter wasn't content with this, but he got another kink into his head that did beat all. One way or t'other, I don't know how, he got all his land and railroads and so on, worked up into pieces of paper that they call scrip; he bundled them all into his great coat pocket and come down to York again. And in less than no time he had the scrip all cut up into these red-backed bills with picters on 'em, that they offer here in York for money—then he sot up a bank on his own hook, where he keeps a making money hand over fist. He has a good chance, I tell you, for he owns all in the bank; so he's President, Cashier, and everything else, all himself, and arter all his laziness, he's worth an allfired grist of money considering how he got it."
I swanny, I couldn't hardly keep still while Captin Doolittle was a talking. I felt all over in a twitter, and my mouth would keep a sort of open with thinking so eager of what he was a saying. The minit he'd done I jumped up and hollered right out—
"Hurra," sez I, "if that aint Yankee all over. I haint the least doubt now but the critter is jest what he says he is—Slick to the back bone. Do you s'pose there is any animal on arth besides a full-blooded Connecticut Yankee that would have gone that way to get rich—all soft sodder and no work? I tell you what it is, captin, I'm raly proud tu own the critter. He's done some good in his day and generation, if he is so stuck up; for it aint in the natur of things for a feller to git rich himself without making a good many others better off. To help himself a great deal a chap must help others a little, that's my notion."
"Yes," sez the captin, "but it's an etarnal shame for these chaps tu curl up their noses at honest men."
"Jest so," says I.
With that I put on my hat, and was jest a going to cut stick—but Captin Doolittle, sez he—
"Look a here, Jonathan, if I was you, I'd make this chap pay over a little of his chink, or else I wouldn't ride about with him—I wouldn't, by gracious! He's tickled tu death tu get hold of a chap like you to brag on; for now that he's got rich, you haint no idee how anxious he is to make people think he knows something and always did. He talks about his aristocracy. The men of genius and talons make the real aristocracy in this country, and he's in hopes of getting among 'em by claiming relationship with you because you write for the papers. Supposing you ask him to lend you a couple of thousand dollars."
"No," sez I, "I'll be darned if I du. If I can't cut my own fodder I'll go hum agin."
"Wal," sez the Captin, "mebby you can git him tu help you print your letters in a book. Your par would be tickled tu death if you could print a book like that Sam writ."
"Wal," sez I, sort o' proud, "there needn't be no hurry about that are; but if I du print one, and it can't pay its own expenses and a leetle over, it may go tu grass!"
With that I bid Captin Doolittle good-bye, and made tracks for my office agin.
New-Year's Calls—A real Yankee's New-Year's Treat of Dough-nuts and Cider—Jonathan's ideas of the real difference between a real lady's House and Furniture and the House of a stuck-up Parvenu—Jonathan's ideas of Love and Ladies.
Dear Par:
I made a leetle inquiry about how people did a New Year's Day, and found out that it was the fashion for the wimmen tu stand treat that day, to set out things, and invite everybody that come tu take a bite. So arly in the morning I put a clean white towel on the leetle table in my office. Then I went into the cubby house room, where I keep my new clothes and kindling wood, besides my tooth brush and sich things as I don't want to use every day, and I drew a quart mug of that outrageous good cider, that you sent me by Captin Doolittle. I guess I looked like live when I went out agin, with the mug brimming over in one hand, and the pillow-case stuffed full of dough-nuts, that marm sent me t'other day—besides the hunk of cheese, and the lot of baked sweet apples, tucked under t'other arm. I heaped up a pile of the dough-nuts on one corner of the table, and sot the apple-box on the other, an made room for the cheese and the cider in the middle; and it raly made me feel sort of bad because marm couldn't see how nice I'd fixed it all. Think sez I, there wont be many people in York that'll set a better treat afore their visiters than this I reckon, any how, and as marm aint here I'll stand treat to every body that comes in for her sake.
Wal, who should be the fust critter that come in but cousin John Beebe, tu see what I was a going tu du with myself all day. Arter I'd sot him a chair by the stove, I went up to the table, and sez I,
"Cousin John supposing we take a drink; it's an allfired cold day, and you look as if you couldn't stand it." My gracious, but didn't his eyes snap when he saw what I'd got. I mixed the cider up, purty hot with ginger, and then I sot it on the stove, and kept a stirring on it up with a little ivory thing that a purty gal sent me tu fold my letters with; it begun to foam and sparkle like anything; then I took a sip jest to try it, and handed the mug over to cousin John.
"Here," sez I, "take a swaller; it aint like the pesky stuff you give me when I eat dinner up to your house. Instid of kicking up a dust in your upper story, it goes tu the right spot tu once, and makes a feller feel prime all over in a giffy." I ruther seem to think that cousin John warn't much afeard of the mug anyhow; he gave a sneezer of a pull tu it, and then his eyes begun to glisten, and, sez he—
"I'm beat, Jonathan, if this aint prime; where on arth did you find it? I've sarched from one eend of York tu t'other for it a dozen times, but never made out tu get a drop yit." With that he sot into it agin like all natur. "I declare," sez he, agin, choaking off long enough tu ketch his breath, "this does taste nat'ral."
"Aint it the rale critter?" sez I, a bending for'ard and rubbing both hands together a leetle easy. "It eenamost make me humsick when I first tasted on it, it put me so in mind of Weathersfield. Par sent me a whole cag on it, by Capt. Doolittle."
"Then it did come from the old humstid?" sez he, a eying the mug agin—"I must drink a leetle more, for the sake of them that sent it." With that, he jest finished up the mug; and when he sot it down, he drew a long breath, and sez he agin, "that's prime, Jonathan."
"Aint it," sez I, starting off tu fill up the mug agin, for it tickled me tu see how he took tu the drink, and how much he made himself tu hum in my office. When I cum out of the leetle room agin, John he looked sort of eager at the mug and then at the eatables laid out so tempting.
"I declare," sez he, "I begin tu feel as I use tu when we were boys, Jonathan." With that I sot the table between us, and the way we laid into the provinder was a compliment to marm. Arter cousin Beebe had eat ten of the doughnuts, and a hunk of cheese as big as your fist, he stopt short, and sez he—
"Cousin, this wont du; if we keep on eating as much as we want, we shan't find room for all the eatables and drinkables that the folks will give us to-day, when we make our calls."
"Look a here, cousin Beebe," sez I, kinder anxious, "you know I'm a sort of a greenhorn about New Year's, for we don't have no sich things over amongst us. Supposing you jest tell me how they act and so on. I don't want tu make a coot of myself; and that pussey cousin of mine is a coming tu take me round in his carriage, where I suppose he means tu stick me up like a swarry for folks tu look at; and if I don't du everything according to gunter, he'll be turning red and fussing about like an old hen that's got ducks for chickens. What on arth shall I say to the gals, and what will they expect me to du?"
Cousin Beebe he sot still a minit, kinder nibbling away at the end of a dough-nut, for he seemed mortal loth to choke off, and at last sez he—
"When you come tu a house where you want tu call, jest go into the room where the ladies will be a waiting tu see folks, and arter a while they'll ask you to take some refreshments: with that they'll go up tu a table where there's wine and so on, if they hain't teetotalists, and if they be——"
"It don't make no odds tu tell me how they act," sez I, "for I don't call on anybody that sets up to be wiser than our Savior; he turned water into wine, and when I set up tu be better than him, I'll turn up my nose at it, but not afore. I wish you could a heard par argufy that question with the ministers. I rather guess——"
Here cousin Beebe sot in, and sez he, "Well, jest fill up a glass for the lady about half full, not a drop more, then pour out a glass for yourself——"
"What, full?" sez I.
"Sartinly," sez he.
"Wal," sez I; "that seems kinder hoggish tu give yourself more than you du to the lady; I don't seem tu like that."
"It's the fashion," sez he.
"Oh, is it?" sez I; "wal I think as like as not they know how to help themselves arter a feller's gone. I always notice that the gals that are so mighty stuck up as if they couldn't swaller anything but air before folks, stuff like all natur back of the pantry door."
John larfed a leetle as if he agreed with me, and sez he, "Never mind that now, but when you've poured out the wine, jest step back and make a bow, and say, 'The compliments of the season,' or any other interesting thing that you like. A person of your genius should not be at a loss for pleasant sayings—and after that drink off the wine, take a leetle of anything else that is on the table, and go away agin."
"Wal now," sez I, "I can remember what to say well enough, though it does seem to me that there would be a leetle too much soft sodder in the speech, if it warn't made to a lady; but suppose you jest go over the manœuvre about the wine, so that I can git the kink on it, if you hain't no objection."
"Very well," sez he, "remember I'm you, and you are the lady."
"Jest so," sez I.
"Wal," sez he, a taking up the cider mug, "observe me." With that he made a purlite bow, and give another allfired pull at the drink. I see what the critter was at; but think sez I, I ruther think you've had your share of the cider. With that, I put out both hands a leetle easy, and took the mug from his mouth.
"See if I hain't larnt it," sez I, as sober as a deacon; and with that I made him a low bow, and while I was a drinking off the cider, I jest winked one eye over the top of the mug, tu let him see that I was up tu a thing or two. The minit I pulled up, he began tu laugh as good-natured as a kitten; and arter I'd got my breath, I sot in, and we had a good haw-haw right out in the office.
Arter we'd both got sobered down, John he gave me an invite to come up and see Mary, and then he cut stick tu go home and fix for visiting. I hadn't but jest time to run out and git a piece of Injun rubber to clean my yaller gloves with, and begin tu fix up, when my pussey cousin come up the street, hurra boys, carriage and all, arter me. The tall chap let himself down from behind the carriage, and knocked at the door.
"Come in," sez I, a poking round the office arter a pin tu stick my shirt-color together, where the etarnal washerwoman had washed the button off, consarn her!
The feller was dressed up like a Connecticut Major-General, all in yaller and blue, as fine as a fiddle; he kinder grinned a little when he see my table, and that I hadn't got my fix on yet; but when I looked in his face, he choked in, and, sez he, as humble as could be—
"Mr. Slick, my master is a waiting."
"Tell him not tu be in a pucker," sez I, "I ain't quite spruced up yet." With that he went out—I pitched on my clothes in less than no time, stuffed a baked apple and a few dough-nuts into my coat pocket, for fear of accident, and follered arter. There he stood a holding open the glass door, and a set of little steps, all carpeted off, hung down tu the ground; and there was the fat nigger a twistifying his whip-lash round the horses' heads, as crank as a white man. I jest had time tu see that Jase had got his lions and roosters and crouchants pictered off on the curtain that hung round his seat; and then I jumped into the carriage as spry as a cricket. The tall chap folded up the steps as quick as marm could undu a cat's cradle, and shet the door tu, and away we went like a house a-fire. I swanny! but these coaches du go over the ground as slick as grease; it seemed jest like being bolstered up in a rocking-chair! My pussey cousin seemed tu swell up bigger and bigger every minit, when he see how surprised I was with the spring of it; and, sez he—
"Now, cousin, I'm going tu take you tu see somebody worth knowing, and when they know that you're my relation, they'll take a good deal of notice of you; so jest put your best foot foremost."
Think sez I, it's looky that I got cousin Beebe tu show me how it's done; but I kept a close lip and said nothing, for it was snapping cold, and a feller's words seemed as if they'd turn tu ice, before he spoke 'em.
The nigger driv like fire and smoke, and it didn't seem no time afore we stopped by a great house clear up town, and the tall shote opened the door and undid the steps again, as if he expected us tu git out.
"This is my house," sez my pussey cousin, "you go in and call on the ladies, and I'll dive round to one or two houses, and take you with me again, by and by."
I got up sort of loth, for it seemed kinder awk'ard to go in alone; but afore I had a chance to say so, the tall shote shet tu the stairs, gin the door a slam, hopped up behind agin, and away they went like a streak of lightning.
I stood a minit, a looking about. It was cold enough to nip a feller's ears off, so I jest tucked my hands into my pockets as well as I could, and begun tu stomp my foot on the stun walk. It raly was fun to see the streets chuck full of fellers running up and down, hither and yon, as if the old Nick had kicked them on eend. Every one on 'em was dressed up in his Sunday-go-to-meeting clothes, and they all had their hair slicked down exactly alike, and most on 'em looked more like gals in boys' clothes than anything else. Not the shadow of a petticoat could a feller see, from one eend of York tu the other—it seemed as if the hull city had run tu boys for one day. The streets raly looked lonesome; for, arter all, it don't seem nat'ral to go out and not see gals and women a walking about with their purty faces and fine clothes. A city without them, looks like a piece of thick woods without any sweet, green under-brush and harnsome flowers. I don't know exactly why, but when I go into a place where there's nothing but men, it seems as if all the sunshine and posies of human natur was shet out; and as I stood there afore my pussey cousin's house, it made me feel sort of melancholy not to see the least glimpse of a red shawl or a furbelow nowhere about.
I believe arter all, that when a chap is a leetle scared about doing a thing, the best way is tu pitch for'ard, hit or miss, without thinking on it. So as soon as I'd got a leetle grit raised, I up and pulled the door knob as savage as could be. It was an allfired big chunk of silver though, and the piece spread out on the door was as big as a dinner-plate, and there was "Jason Slick" cut out on it in all sorts of flourishes and curlecues. Think sez I, my pussey cousin means to hang out a specie sign, anyhow. I wonder he didn't have his rooster and lion and crouchants pictered off in his door too.
Arter a minit a tall chap that looked like a twin tu the feller that stood behind the carriage, all dressed out jest as he was, too, like a major-gineral, stood a bowing and shuffling in the hall, as if he wanted to larn me how to dance. The way he sidled and bowed and spread out his hands as he opened the parlor door for me, was enough to make a feller bust with larfin. Wal, afore I knew which eend my head was on, there I stood in the middle of a great long room, that was enough to dazzle a feller's eyes for a month, eenajest to look at it. The settees were all bright red, and glistened with thick velvet cushions. Great, heavy, yaller curtains hitched up with spears and poles, made out of gold, or something plaguey like it, hung over all the winders—all furbelowed and tossled off with great, blue balls, mixed up with red fringe. The carpet was the brightest and softest thing I ever did see—but it was enough tu make a feller stun blind tu look at it, the figgers on it were so allfired gaudy. Everything in the room was as costly and harnsome as could be; but somehow it seemed as if every individual thing had come there on its own hook, and was so proud of itself that it wouldn't agree with its neighbors. The chairs looked dreadfully out of sorts with the settees, and the great looking-glasses made everything seem ten times more fiery and bright with their glistening. The hull room seemed more like a garden planted with poppies, sun-flowers, and marygolds, than anything I could think on. There was a table sot out at one eend, jest afore one of the looking-glasses, that made it seem as long agin as it raly was. It was all kivered over with silver baskets and knives and forks, and glasses, and everything that could be thought on tu eat and drink. At both eends were leetle meeting-houses with steeples tu them, all made out of sugar-candy, and hull loaves of cake with flowers and birds a lying down on top of 'em; besides some had leetle sugar lambs curled up on 'em, as nat'ral as life. I never did see a table so set off in my born days; it was a sight to look on. Cousin Beebe's warn't a touch tu it; but somehow the things were all crowded on so, and there was sich heaps of everything, that it didn't seem half so genteel as Cousin Mary's did. It must have cost an allfired swad of money, though.
I was so struck up with the room and the table, that it was more than a minit afore I found out that there were any folks in the premises; but by-am-by I discovered a fat chunked woman a sitting in a rocking chair all cushioned with red shiney velvet. She sot close by the fire, but when I stepped back and put my foot out to make a bow, she got up and made me a curchy—but sich a curchy I never did see—it was about half-way between the flutter of a hen and the swagger of a fat duck. It was as much as I could du to keep from snorting right out to see her; but I choked in, and sez I, bowing again, "You see I make myself tu hum, marm. Mr. Slick, my pussey cousin, out there, wanted me to come and make you a New Year's call."
I wish you could a seen how the critter strutted up when I said this; but all tu once she seemed to guess who I was, for she stuck her head a one side, and begun to smile and pucker up her mouth like all natur. Up she cum tu me with both hands out, and sez she—
"Cousin, I'm delighted to see you. Mr. Slick was telling me about you yesterday, and sez I, invite him by all means. It ain't often we can make free with a relation, they are so apt to presume upon it. Raly, some of Mr. Slick's family have been very annoying, they have indeed; they don't seem to understand our position; but you, cousin, you that have so much mind, can comprehend these things."
Afore I could get a chance to stick in a word edgeways, she took my hand, yaller glove and all, between both her'n, and led me along to the fire. Arter I'd sot down, she kept a fingering over one of my hands as if it belonged to her. Think sez I, what on arth can the old critter mean? I'll be darned, if she was fifteen years younger, I should think she had such a notion to the family, that she wasn't particular how many on 'em she made love tu. As soon as I could git her to give up my hand, she jest let her'n drop on my knee as affectionate as a pussy cat, and sez she, a screwing up her mouth, and sticking her face close up to mine—
"Cousin, you can't think how delighted I was to read your letters in the Express. I du like to see such upstarts as the Beebe's taken off; only think of the idee of her giving parties, and her husband not out of business yit! When I read that letter, sez I to Mr. Slick, 'bring the young gentleman here, where he can see something of real high life; it would be a pity to have him throw away his talons in describing such low affairs as Mrs. Beebe's must be.'" With that she looked round her blazing room as proud as could be, as if she wanted me to give her some soft sodder back agin; but I felt sort of wrathy at what she said about cousin, and I wouldn't take the hint; but sez I, "I beg pardon, marm, but Mr. Beebe is my friend and relation, and a chap that'll set still and hear a friend run down, don't deserve one, according to my notion; as for cousin Mary——"
"Oh," sez Mrs. Slick, a twisting round like an eel, "she is a lovely woman, without any doubt. I sartinly should have called on her long ago; but then one has so many acquaintances of that sort to remember, that really I have never found time." Think sez I, if you wont call till Mary wants you, I don't think you'll put yourself out in a hurry; but I didn't say so, for jest that minit she seemed to remember something, and she sung out, "Jemima, my dear."
With that the yaller curtains by one of the winders were rustled and flirted out, and a young gal, finefied off to kill, come from where she'd been standing back on 'em to look at the fellers as they went along the street. I ruther guess there was a flirting of ribbon and a glistening of gold things when she made her appearance. She came a hopping and a dancing across the room, and when she come jest afore me, she stopped short and let off a curchy that seemed more like one of her mother's run crazy, than any thing I could think on. The old woman she spread out her hands, and sez she, "Jemima, my dear, this is your cousin, Mr. Slick, the gentleman whose letters you were so delighted with."
With that the queer critter gave me another curchy and looked as if she'd a been glad if she'd known enough to say something; but the old woman sot in with a stream of talk about her till any body on arth would have sot her down for an angel jest out of heaven, dressed up in pink satin and loaded off with gold, if they'd believed a word her mother said. Think sez I to myself, as I stood a looking at the old woman and the gal, it's enough to make a feller sick of life to see two such stuck up critters. The gal's furbelows didn't look so bad considering she was so young, yet it always seems to me as if heaps of jimcracks and finery piled on to a young critter looked kinder unnat'ral. Wimmen are a good deal like flowers to my notion, and the harnsomest posies that grow in the woods never have but one color besides their leaves. I've seen gals in the country with nothing but pink sun bonnets and calico frocks on, that looked as fresh and sweet as full blown roses—gals that could pull an even yoke with any of your York tippies in the way of beauty, and arter all if I ever get a wife I don't think I shall sarch for her among brick houses and stun side-walks.
The old woman raly had made an etarnal coot of herself in the way of fixing. She had on a lot of satin, and shiny thin stuff twistified round her head kinder like a hornet's nest; in front on it, jest over the leetle curls all rolled and frizzled round her face, a bird—a rale ginuine bird, all feathered off as bright as a rainbow—was stuck with its bill down and its tail flourished up in the air, as if it had jest lit to search for a place to build a nest in. I never see one of the kind afore, for its tail looked like a handful of corn-silk, it was so yaller and bright; but, think sez I, it must be some sort of a new-fashioned woodpecker, for it's the natur of them birds always to light on any thing holler—and if he was once to get a going on that old woman's head, I've an idee there'd be a drumming. She had a leetle short neck, all hung round with chains, and capes, and lots of things—besides, a leetle watch, all sot over with shiny stuns, was hung to her side, and her fat chunked fingers was kivered over with rings, that looked like the spots on a toad's back more than any thing else. She had a great wide ruffle round the bottom of her frock, like the one cousin Mary had on at her party; but she warn't no where nigh so tall as Mary, and it made her look like a bantum hen feathered down to the claws. Wal, think sez I, if you wouldn't make a comical figger-head fur Captin Doolittle's sloop. I wonder what your husband would ask for you, jest as you stand—hump, ruffles and all? I shouldn't a taken so much notice of her, if she hadn't let off such a shower of talk on me about her darter; but when a woman begins to pester me by praising up her family, I always make a pint of thinking of something else as fast as I can. If you only bow a leetle, and throw in a "yes marm, sartingly," and so on, once in a while, you're all right. A woman will generally soft-sodder herself, if you let her alone when she once gits a going, without putting you to the trouble of doing it for her.
Arter she'd talked herself out of breath, she went along up to the table, and spreading her hands, sez she, "Take some refreshments, Mr. Slick?"
"Wal," sez I, "I haint much hungry, but I do feel a leetle dry—so I don't care if I du."
I went up to the table, and took a survey of the decanters and cider-bottles; and arter a while, I made out to find one decanter that looked as if it had something good in it, and poured about a thimble full into two of the wine glasses, and filled up one for myself. Mrs. Slick and her darter took up the glasses, and then I stepped back and made a low bow, and sez I, "The compliments of the season!—or any other interesting thing that you like. A person of your genius——" Here I stuck fast, for somehow I forgot how cousin Beebe told me to top off in the speech. But the old woman puckered up her mouth, and curchyed away as if I'd said it all out; and the gal, she went over the same manœuvre, and laughed so silly, and put back her long curls with her white gloves—for she had gloves on though she was tu hum—and sez she, "Oh, Mr. Slick," and then her marm chimed in, and sez she, "Now that you've mentioned genius, Mr. Slick, I do think my Jemima has a talent for poetry."
Think sez I, it raly is surprising how much genius there is buried up in these York brick houses. I hain't been to see a family since I've been down here that hadn't some darter that could write so beautiful, only she was so proud and diffident and modest, that she could not be coaxed to have any thing printed. Think sez I, if that leetle stuck up varmint has took to poetry, there'll be a blaze in the newspaper world afore long. She's sartin to set the North River on fire, if nobody else ever did.
I remembered what cousin Beebe told me about helping myself to eatables, so I sot down by the table and hauled a plate up to me, and begun to make myself to hum. There was no eend to the sweet things that I piled up on my plate and begun to store away with a silver knife and a spoon. Mrs. Slick, she begun to fuss about, and offered to help me to this, that and t'other, till I should raly have thought she didn't care how much I eat, if she hadn't contrived to tell me how much every thing cost all the time. Jest as I was finishing off a plate of foreign presarves, the door-bell rung, and in streaked five or six fellers, dressed up tu kill. It raly made me eenamost snicker out to see how slick and smooth every one of 'em had combed his hair down each side of his face. They all looked as much alike as if they'd been kidney beans shelled out of the same pod. When the old woman and the gal sot to wriggling their shoulders and making curchies to them, I begun to think it was time for me to get up and give them a chance. So I bolted the last spoonful of presarves, and took out my red silk hankercher to wipe my mouth. I thought it come out of my pockets purty hard, so I gave it a twitch, and hurra! out come three of the doughnuts that I'd tucked away to be ready in case of fodder's getting scarce, and they went helter-skelter every which way all over the carpet. At fust I felt sort of streaked, for the young chaps begun to giggle, and Miss Jemima Slick she bust right out. I looked at her, and then I looked at the fellers, and then, instead of sneaking off, I bust right out, jest as if I didn't know how they come there, and sez I,
"Did you ever!"