"So I bolted the last spoonful of presarves, and took out my red silk handkercher to wipe my mouth. I thought it come out of my pocket purty hard, so I gave it a twitch, and hurra! out come three of the dough-nuts"
I didn't say another word, but jest made them a low bow all round, and was a going out, but Mrs. Slick got hold of my arm, and told me not tu seem to mind the doughnuts, and said, sort of low, that she'd tell the gentlemen that I was a relation of her'n, and that there warn't no danger of their poking fun at me about it. Think sez I, I see how to get out of the scrape: she'll think I'm awful mean not to offer her some of the doughnuts, when I had them in my pocket, so seeing it's new-year's day, I'll make her think I brought 'em tu make her a present on, for relation's sake. I jest went back, and picked up the tarnal things, and heaping them up in one hand, I made a smasher of a bow as I held 'em out tu her, and, sez I—
"I thought mebby you'd like tu see how a prime Weathersfield doughnut would taste agin; so I jest tucked a few one side, tu bring up here; take 'em, you're as welcome as can be; I've got enough more tu hum."
She looked at the gentlemen, and then she turned red, as if she didn't exactly know how tu take me.
"Don't be afeard on 'em," sez I, "they're fust rate; chuck full of lasses, and fried in hog's lard as white as snow."
With that she took them out of my hand and put them on the table, and, sez she, a puckering up her mouth, "you men of genius are so droll."
Think sez I, I've made a good hit off this time, any how, so I'll cut stick. I made another bow, and out I went, jest as the chaps were all a bowing and saying, "the compliments of the season," one arter another, like boys, in a spelling class.
I hadn't but jest got to the door, when my pussey cousin driv up, so I got intu the carriage, and off we went, down Broadway, at a smashing rate, till at last we stopped afore one of the neatest-looking houses that I've seen in York: it warn't crinckled and finefied off with wood-work and iron fences, but the hull was solid stun. The steps were made of the same, with great stun sides a rolling down from the door tu the side-walk. The door was sunk clear intu the front; there warn't no chunk of silver in the middle, tu write the owner's name on; so I s'pose he thought that every body ought to know where a rale fashionable chap lives, without his hanging out a sign to tell folks. Jason was jest a going tu give the knob a twitch, but he seemed to remember, and, sez he, to the tall chap that had got down,
"Why don't you ring?"
With that the chap made a dive up the steps, and it warn't a second afore the door swung open, and a nice old feller, dressed up as neat as a new pin, but without regimentals, stood inside. Arter making a bow, he opened a mahogany door, and made a little motion with his hand, as much as to say—"walk in."
Jason he kinder seemed loth to go in fust; and arter all his money, I couldn't help but think the old feller in the hall looked as well and acted a good deal more like a rale gentleman, than he did. There's nothing like being rich to git up a man's pluck; arter fidgeting with his watch-seals a minit, Jase stuck up his head like a mud turtle in the sun, and in he went. I follered arter as close as a bur tu a chestnut; for in my hull life I never felt so scared.
The house didn't seem like Miss Miles's nor Cousin Beebe's, nor yet like my pussey cousin's. Coming from his house into that, seemed like going out of a blustering wind into a calm snowstorm. Every thing was so slick and still, that it didn't seem like anything else that I ever see. Cousin Slick went in fussing along, and a tall harnsome lady got up from a chair, where she sot by the fire, and cum towards us. Arter Jason had give her a little information about the weather—told her it was dreadful cold, and so on, he stepped back, and spreading out his hands sort of like his wife, sez he—
"Mrs. ——, this is Mr. Jonathan Slick, a young relation of mine."
I declare it made my heart beat to see how purtily she smiled—her curchy was as soft and easy as a bird—she didn't wriggle up her shoulders and stick out her feet as some of the rest of 'em did, but jest seemed to droop down a little easy, and then she asked us to sit down; and in less than no time we felt as much tu hum as if we'd known her ever since she was a nursing baby. Instead of beginning to give me a lot of soft sodder, as some of the other women did, she jest set in and began to talk about old Connecticut, and sich things as she must a seen was likely to tickle me like all natur, and her voice was so soft, and she kept a smiling so, that I never felt so contented in my life as I did a talking with her.
At last she began to ask Jason some questions about the Western country—so I had a chance to look about me a leetle. Instead of being dressed out like a thing sot up for a show, she hadn't nothing on but a harnsome silk frock, and a leetle narrow velvet ribbon tied round her harnsome black hair, that was brushed till it looked as bright as a crow's back. I never did see anything braided up so nice as it was behind. She hadn't on the leastist bit of gold nor furbelows of any kind, only jest a leetle pin that glistened like a spark of fire, which pinned the velvet ribbon jest over her white forehead. It raly beats me to make out why I can't tell you what was in the room, jest as I du about all the other places; but somehow it aint easy to tell the difference, for there was settees, and chairs, and tables, and curtains, and so on—but yet it warn't a bit like any room I ever see afore. There warn't no glistening and shining, and gold and silver; but I couldn't get the notion out of my head that everything cost a good deal more than if there had been ever so much of it. The room seemed made exactly for the things that were in it, and there warn't a thing that didn't fit exactly into its place like wax-work. There was one consarn that looked awful harnsome, and it was rale ginuine too; but at first I thought it was some of these York make-believes. It was a slim green tree, eenamost tall enough to reach my head, all blown out and kivered over with as much as twenty of the biggest and whitest roses I ever did see. It was sot jest below the two winders, and when the sun came kinder softly through the curtains down into the white posies they seemed to sort o' blush like a beach blow; yit they raly were as white, according to natur, as the cleanest handful of snow you ever see. The tree grew out of a great marble flower-pot, and when I asked its name of the lady, she looked as bright and sweet as one of the flowers, and told me it come from Japan, away east. There was some picters hung agin the wall, that struck my eye so that I couldn't keep from looking at 'em. She see how I was took up, and sez she—
"That's a beautiful picter, Mr. Slick, don't you think so? There is something in Doughtie's picters that I love to look on; his grass and hillocks are so soft and green, he does excel every American artist most certainly in his atmosphere."
"Wal, marm," sez I, "I aint no judge of picters, but sartinly, to my notion that does outshine cousin Jason's lions and roosters, and croushongs, all to nothing. It don't glisten so much, but somehow them great trees du look so nat'ral, and them cows lying down under them so lazy; it eenamost makes me hum sick to go back to Weathersfield when I see it." Here Jase trod on my toe with his consarned hard boot. Wal, think sez I, what have I said now; and I looked right in the lady's face to see if she'd been a laughing; but she looked so sweet and unconsarned as could be, and sez she, a getting up and going across the room; for Jase made a motion as if he was in a hurry, sez she—
"Let me help you to some cake and wine."
With that she went to a table that had some decanters and wine-glasses on it, besides a loaf of cake as white as drifted snow. I sniggers, but it did look as neat as a new pin. There was a heap of rale flowers and leaves, jest picked from the bush, fresh and fair, twisted round the edge of the cake, and a leetle white sugar dove snuggled down in the middle.
Cousin Jase filled the glasses and he made a leetle speech—but somehow it didn't seem to me as if I could go to talking soft sodder tu that harnsome critter—she looked so sweet yet so proud. All I did was jest to drink the wine, and then bend my head kinder softly to try and match her curchy—but if I didn't wish her a happy New Year in my heart, I'm a lying coot, that's all. When we went away, she gave us an invite to come agin, and she was mortal perlite to me. If I don't go, it'll be because I'm afeard, for I don't know when I've taken such a shine to anything that wears petticoats.
Jest as soon as I'd got clear of the door, and Jase had bowed and scraped himself out, we got into the carriage agin, and sez he—
"Wal, cousin, how do you like Mrs. ——?"
"Like her!" sez I, "if I don't there's no snakes. She's none of your stuck up, finefied, humbug critters, but a rale ginuine lady, and no mistake."
"It's a pity she hasn't more taste and emulation to fix up her house," sez he. "She raly don't know how to cut a dash, and yet her husband is as rich as a Jew."
"Wal, raly, I don't know what to think of that," sez I. "Somehow when I see everything in a room kinder shaded off, one color into another that's eenamost like it, till the hull seemed to be alike, jest as it is in that lady's room,—it seems to take my notion amazingly. I can't tell you why, but it made me feel as if the room had been made up into a big picter, and so it is in part, and I begin to think that——"
I was a going to say something allfired cutting about these stuck up flashy houses and people that I'd seen here in York—when the carriage driv up to another door. In we went, eat and drank, and then out agin; and then it was riding from one house to another, and eating and drinking till it got eenajest dark, and I was clear tuckered out, besides beginning tu feel wamblecropped a leetle, with the heap of sweet things I'd been eating all day.
This New Year's day here in York is sartainly as good as a show,—such lots of gals as a feller sees, and such lots of good living; but give me a Thanksgiving dinner yit afore a York New Year's,—a good turkey with plenty of gravy and tatur. I swanny, how I wish I'd been a eatin them things instead of this heap of tarnal cake and sugar things. I shan't feel right agin in a month, I'm sure on it.
I guess you Weathersfield tee totalists would a stared some tu see how the young chaps begun tu make fence along the stun side-walks towards night; some on 'em were purty well over the bay I can tell you. I went to see lots of women and gals, and cousin Mary amongst the rest, and arter I got back to my office I couldn't get one wink of sleep. My head was chuck full of gals all night,—such a whirring and burring as there was in my upper story you never did know on,—every time I shet my eyes the office seemed chuck full of purty gals and feathers and gold and decanters, cut glass, till it seemed as if I would go crazy a thinking over all I'd done; but the last thing that got into my brain jest afore I dropped to sleep, was the real lady and my pussey cousin's stuck up wife.
But I can't stop to write you on all my dreams that night. I don't think doughnuts or sugar candies set well on the stomach, and I don't think seeing so many gals sets well on my head. There is a terrible all over-ish sort of a feeling in a young feller when he's been cruising among the gals all day, and comes hum and cuddles up in bed at night. When he gits one gal stuck fast in his head and his heart, as I had Judy White, he's as quiet as a kitten, and his head's a sort a settled; but arter he's been a roving over the world as I am a doing, his natur gits ruther rily, and there's nothing that sticks in it except the dregs, the pure essence sifting out all through.
Getting in love is somewhat like getting drunk, the more a feller loves the more he wants tu,—and when the heart gits a going, pitty pat, pitty pat, there is such a swell, that it busts up all the strings, so that it can't hold the ginuine grit at all. When Judy White fust took hold a my arm I give the coat sleeve a rale hearty smack, where her hand had lain, and that coat I raly did love better than any other I ever had on; but I never think the better of my yaller gloves for shaking the hands of all the gals in York. I've only got Miss Miles out of my head, to git a thousand new shinin faces in. Lord knows what'll become of me, Par, if I go on to be bedivilled arter the women, as I have been this new year's day. When a feller is made any thing on by 'em he must have been brought up under good preaching in Weathersfield to stand it here in York. I feel as if I shouldn't be good for much afore long, myself, the way I am going on, but to skoot up and down Broadway like that ere Count, and to hang round gals' winders with fifes, and bassoons, and drums, and gitars at night.
I can't look full into a purty gal's face all a flashing so, without being kind a dazzled and scorched. It warms me up in this cold weather, and kindles such a touse in my heart, that the blood runs through it as hot as if it had scooted through a steamboat pipe. And then the allfired critters have so many sly ways of coming over a feller, that I don't think much of a man who can see their purty mouths tremble, and not feel his tremble tu. If they sidle up, I can't help sidling too if I died; and when them black eyes fall flash on me, I wilt right down under 'em as cut grass in Weathersfield on a hot summer day. It is natur all this, and I can't help it no how.
But you know, Par, I was brought up under good preaching, and I go now to Dr. Spring's meeting always as straight as Sunday comes round, and twice a day. If wimmin do snarl up a feller's heart strings, though, they keep him out of other scrapes, anybody will tell you that. A man that is in love a leetle is not always a running into rum-holes, and other such places. He don't go a gambling, and isn't a sneakin round nights.
Love, according to my notion on it, is a good anchor for us on this 'ere voyage of life!—it brings us up so all a standing when we put on too much sail. It puts me in mind, now I think on it, of our cruise through Hell Gate in Captin Doolittle's sloop; for jest as the tide and the wind was a carrying us on the rocks, we dropt anchor and kept off. I look on the uses of women purty much as I look on the freshet that in the spring brings down the Connecticut the rale rich soil for the meadows in Weathersfield. They make a great deal of splutter and fuss in their spring-time, with their rustles and their ribbons, and their fooleries, I know; but when they light on a feller for good, they are the rale onion patches of his existence. Put us together, and the soil will grow anything; but keep us apart, and we are his thistles and nettles.
Your loving son,
Jonathan Slick.
Visit to the Park Theatre—First Impressions of the Poetry of Motion, as written on the air, in the aerial feats of Mademoiselle Celeste—First shock at the exhibition of a Ballet Costume accompanied by the "twinkles" of Celeste's feet—with her pigeon wings, double-shuffles, gallopades, and pirouettes.
Dear Par:
I've been a trying tu git time tu write you a letter this ever so long; but somehow I've had so many parties tu go tu, besides sleigh-rides, balls, and so on, that I haint known which eend my head is on more than half the time. Besides all that, I've felt kinder loth tu write you, for I aint jest sartin that you and marm won't be in a pucker about what I've been a doing since I writ tu you before. But I've got my pluck a stirring jest now; so I'm detarmined tu up and tell you all right out, jest as it is—for arter all, a feller must be a consarned coward that'll do a thing, right or wrong, and then back out from owning on it.
Wal, t'other night Mr. Beebe he cum up tu my office about sundown, and sez he, "Cousin Slick, supposing we go tu the Park Theatre to-night, and see Madame Celeste dance."
My heart riz right up into my throat as he said this, for the very idee of going tu the Theatre set me all over in a twitter. Ever since I cum down here tu York, I've had an etarnal hankering tu go and see some of their plays; but I tried all I could tu pacify myself, and thought over more than forty times all the preachings you used to make agin them—how you used tu say they were filled with sinful devices and picters of the devil's own painting, and that they warn't nothing more nor less than scraps of the infarnal regions sot up here on arth tu delude away poor mortals.
I wanted tu go awfully, but insted of giving in tu cousin John when he fust come, I jest sot too and let off one of your preachments to him; he didn't seem to mind it a mite, but, sez he, "Cousin, would you think it right if a feller was tu cum out like all blazes agin one of your letters in the Express, if he hadn't read 'em?"
"I should like to ketch a feller at it—I should," sez I.
"Wal," sez he, "du you think it fair tu run out agin the Theatres till you've seen something on 'em?"
"Wal," sez I, "I don't know as it is; but haint my par an old man as well as deacon of the church, and hadn't he ought tu know? What's the use of a man's experience, if his children won't profit by it, as long as he can't turn about and live his life over agin?"
"That's true," sez cousin John; "but are you sartin that your father was ever at a play in his life?"
"What, my par at the Theatre!" sez I, a holding up both hands, "Mr. Zephaniah Slick, Esquire, Justice of the Peace and Deacon of the Church, at the Theatre! Look a here, cousin John, why don't you ask if he ever plays all fours, or 'I had as many wives as the stars in the skies,'—he'd be about as likely tu du one as t'other."
"Wal," sez John, sort of parsevering, "how can he judge about them sort of things without he's seen 'em? Come, come, jest put on your fix and let's go down."
So with that he come his soft sodder so strong that I couldn't hold out no longer, so I jest giv up, and we started off; but my heart felt sort of queer all the way, for I couldn't keep from thinking how you and marm would feel when you found out where I'd been tu. I don't think there's anything very scrumptious about the outside of the Theatre anyhow. Think sez I, as I looked up tu it, if this is raly a temple of Old Nick, he haint put himself out much tu finefy it off. A good many of the meeting-houses here in York go ahead of this all tu nothing. It looks more like a town hall or a tavern than any thing else that I can think on.
When we got into the entry-way, cousin Beebe he took out a dollar bill, and went up tu a little hole cut out in the wall, and stuck in his hand, and sez he, "A ticket."
Think sez I, wal, if this don't beat all! They raly du mean tu carry on all kinds of develtry; who'd a thought of finding one of these darnation lottery offices here.
"You wont want a ticket," sez cousin John.
"No," sez I, "I guess I don't; if there's any thing on arth that makes my blood bile, it's gambling." I was a going on tu give him a piece of my mind, but jest then he pushed a door open, all kivered over with green flannel, and give his paper tu a tall man that stood there, looking as solemn as an owl in a storm; and, sez he, a pinting tu me, this gentleman belongs tu the press. The feller looked at me as sharp as a needle, and he begun tu fumble over a paper, as if he didn't know exactly what he wanted; but at last he held out his hand, and said it was custom for the press to leave cards at the door. I never was so struck up in my whole born days. Think sez I, wal, if this don't beat all natur; they think because a feller is green enough tu go tu the Theatre that he must play cards, and every thing else that's bad. I shouldn't wonder, sez I tu myself, if he wants me tu begin and cuss and swear next. I looked him right in his eyes, and put my hands down in my pockets allfired hard, and, sez I—
"Look a here, you sir, I ain't no gambler—none of your foreign chaps, that git their living by playing cards. You must be soft in the upper story if you don't see that the first giffy. You don't see no hair on my upper lip. I don't carry a cane with a bagonet in it, nor wear checkered trousers, so you needn't ask me to give you any cards, I haint touched one of the pesky things since marm broke the tin dipper over my head for singing out, 'high, low, Jack and the game, by gauley,' one day when I and another little shaver got hid away in the corn-house a playing all fours."
The feller opened his eyes a few when I said this, but three or four finefied young fellers, with white gloves on, and little canes in their hand, come to the door, and stood a grinning at me like so many hungry monkeys. Cousin John spoke sort of low, and sez he,—
"It is your name the man wants. If you haven't any cards, write it out on a piece of paper."
With that the man handed over a piece of paper, and cousin Beebe give me his gold pencil.
Think sez I, "If they will have my name, I'll give 'em a smasher,"—so I flourished the "J" off with an allfired long tail, and curlecued the "S" up till it looked like a black snake in the sun. I ruther seem to think the feller stared a few when he saw the name. The grinning chaps cum and looked at it, but made themselves scarce in less than no time arter they had made it out, and the tall chap, he bowed close down to the floor, and sez he—
"Walk in, Mr. Slick, Mr. Simpson put your name on the free list ever so long ago."
I was going to ask him to tell Mr. Simpson that I was very much obligated, though I hadn't the least idea what he meant by his free list, but that minit there was such a smashing of fiddles and drums and toot-horns inside that I eenamost jumped out of my skin. It seemed as if a dozen training bands had all been set a going tu once.
Cousin John he took hold of my arm, and hauled me along through a little door into a great big room built off more like a meeting-house than anything else—and yet it wasn't like that neither. It was shaped kinder like a horse shoe, the floor was chuck full of benches, kivered over with red cushions, and there was four galleries all pillared off and painted, and set off with gold and great blazing glass things that made every thing look as bright as day. In the second gallery there were five or six pens all boarded off from the rest, with lots of gold picters all round them, and hung over with silk curtains, till they looked more like the berths on board a steamboat than any thing I could think on. These places were chuck full of allfired harnsome gals and spruce looking fellers, that were dressed off to kill, and talked and laughed as chipper as could be. The ruff was an etarnal way up from the floor; it rounded up, and was crinkle-crankled off with gold and picters till it looked like the West jest afore sundown, when the red and yaller and purple lie in heaps and ridges all over the sky.
Think sez I, if that's what par means by a device of the devil, Old Nick is no slouch at putting the shine on the ruff of his house, anyhow.
We sot down on one of the red benches in the lowest gallery, and I got a leetle over the twitter that I was in at fust, and jest made up my mind to look amongst the folks to see what was going on.
It warn't a mite of wonder that the musicianers made me jump so when I was in the entry way, for clear on t'other eend of the room was a long pen chuck full and running over with fiddlers, base drums, and great brass horns, all pulling and blowing and thumping away like all natur; didn't they send out the music!—never on arth did I hear any thing like it! It made me choke and sigh and ketch my breath like a dying hen; and all I could du, my feet would keep going over the steps, and my yaller gloves seemed as if they never would git still agin, they kept so busy a beating time on the leg of my new trousers. Jest over the pen where the fiddlers sot, hung a great picter as big as the side of a house. I thought of what you said about theatres being filled with picters of the devil's own painting; but I couldn't make up my mind that that was one on 'em, for it was so green and cold, and a pale man, pictered out on a heap of stuns in the middle on it, looked as shivery as if he'd had a fit of the fever and ague—besides there was water painted out, and every body knows that Old Scratch aint tee-total enough to paint a picter chuck full of clouds and water and sich like, without one spark of fire to make him feel to hum in his own premises.
By-am-by sich sights of the people, all dressed off as if they were a going to a general training ball, kept a pouring in through the leetle doors in the galleries till the seats were all chuck full; such a glistening of harnsome eyes and feathers, and flowers, I never did see. A purty leetle gal cum and sot close down by me, and now and then I took a slanting squint at her; by hokey, she was a slick leetle critter, with the consarnedest soft eyes I ever looked into.
I wonder what on arth is the reason that I can't sit down by a harnsome gal, but my heart will begin to flounder about like a fish jest arter he's hooked. Think, sez I, if there's any dancing a going on to-night, darn me if I don't shin up to that gal for a partner. But, where on arth the folks were a going tu find a place to dance in I couldn't make out, for in the hull building there warn't room enough tu hang up a flax-seed edgeways.
I was jest a going tu ask cousin John about it, when the fiddles pulled up a minit, and all tu once that great picter give a twitch, and up it went like a streak of chalk, into the ruff, or the Lord knows where. I jumped right on eend, I was so struck with what I see.
Clear back where the curtain had been was a purty little garden, as nat'ral as one of our onion patches. It was chuck full of trees and flowers, and a snug leetle house stood on one side; clear back, jest under the edge of the sky, lay the soft water, looking as blue and still as could be. What to make on it I couldn't tell; it warn't like a picter, and yet I couldn't think how on arth there could be room enough tu have sich a place near the theatre. While I sot there a bending for'ard with one of my yaller gloves pressed down on each knee, and staring like a stuck pig with my mouth a leetle open, a lot of folks dressed off in short jackets and trousers cut off at the knees, come a dancing out of the house, and begun tu talk all at once, and chatter and laugh together as chipper as a flock of birds. They seemed as happy as clams in high water; and the fellers skipped and hung round the gals like good fellers.
But the gals were dressed out too bad. I'll be darned if some of 'em didn't make me feel streaked, their frocks were so short. They didn't seem tu make no bones of showing their legs half-way tu their knees. I swanny if I wasn't ashamed of the purty gal that sot by me. Think sez I, if she don't blush and feel all overish I'm mistaken. Arter a while, I give her a slantidicular squint, but she sot as still as a kitten, and looking as if butter wouldn't melt in her mouth, but was a staring right straight at the garden without seeming to mind the gals' legs a bit more than if they had been so many broom sticks.
It warn't a great while afore I didn't seem to mind it much either, for a little old comical looking chap come out in front of the garden, and begun to chatter and larf, and fling his arms about every which way, and to tell about some young gal that was a going to be married. Madeline, he called her.
Wal, while he was a talking, a feller, all in red regimentals, come round the house, as big as my pussey cousin, with a set of letters in his hand, and blowing a tin toot-horn, as if he wanted us all tu come tu dinner. He turned to be a sort of post-rider, with letters; he give one to the funny old chap that owned the house, but it only had another letter in it, and that was for the gal that was a going tu be married.
I begun to feel awful curious tu see that gal, arter hearing them talk about her so much; but the post-office feller cut up his shines, and ordered the folks about as obstroperous as my pussey cousin; a prime chap he was—and I took a sort of a notion to him, he acted out so slick.
By-am-by in come the purtyest looking critter that ever I did see; she walked and sidled through the garden like a bird among the green trees, and her voice sounded so funny when she spoke; she kinder cut her words off, and lisped 'em out so sweet, that every word sounded chuck full of honey. I swan it made my heart rise right up in my mouth every time she spoke. She had tarnal harnsome eyes, as bright as the biggest star in the gill-dipper, and I could almost tell what she was a saying by the cut of her face; I never did see a critter look so happy. She had the cunningest leetle white hat that I ever did see, stuck on one side of her head, with blue ribbons streaming from it over her shoulders; on t'other side her long shiny curls hung down on her shoulders, and a harnsome white rose was stuck in them back of her ear; but it didn't seem much whiter than her forehead and neck, for they were as white as the froth on a pail of new milk afore it is strained. She had on a blue silk frock, cut off a leetle too short at the bottom, for my notion, and her cunning leetle feet raly cut about in them new shoes a leetle too spry; I never did see anything so subtle as she was in my life.
The minit she came into the garden, all the folks in the galleries, and on the seats below, begun to stomp, and yell, and holler, till I was afeard that I made a mistake, and got into a political meeting agin. She began to curchy, and lay her hand on her bosom, and curchy agin, all the while a looking so sweet and mealy-mouthed that I wanted to eat her hull, I swow I did. Arter a while they begun to get tired of making sich etarnal coots of themselves, and then she begun to go round among the folks in the garden, and give them presents, because she was a going to git married in the morning, tu a rich gentleman that lived close by.
All tu once the comical old chap called "Madeline!" and give her the letter the post-rider had brought for her.
Arter she'd gone into the house, he begun to tell the folks all about her—how she was a poor leetle French gal that he'd undertook tu bring up and keep out of harm, when everybody in her country was afeard of their lives—and how she'd got a brother yet in France, whose life wouldn't be worth four-pence-half-penny if he should once set foot over in England; for they made believe that all this garden and things was a going on in England.
Wal, arter they'd all gone in, out come Madeline agin with the letter in her hand. I swanny, but I couldn't help but feel for the poor critter. She looked as if she'd been crying her eyes out, but she kept a kissing the letter and reading it sort of loud, and a crying all the time, so that we all found out it come from her brother, and that he was a coming tu take her away with him in the morning; and it seemed to make her feel bad because he didn't know that she was a going to be married then. When she'd read her letter through, she went into the house agin, looking as peaked and wamble-cropped as a sick lamb.
When the picter was rolled up agin, the garden was all gone, and there sot the purty leetle Madeline in a room with a chest open by her filled with wimmen's clothing, and there was a rale harnsome young feller a standing by her that she seemed so fond of, and that she called her brother.
While they were talking together, and afore she had time to tell him she was a going to be married, there was an allfired noise outside of the door, and you never see a cat jump up spryer than she did. She turned as white as a sheet, and wrung her leetle hands, and seemed more than half crazy, for she said the officers had cum arter her brother to hang him for a spy. She hugged him one minit, and then she'd wring her hands, and look round so anxious for some place to hide him in. At last she run to the chest, pulled all the clothes out on it, and made him git in there—she put them all back agin, and kivered it over with a great red shawl. She hadn't but jest sot down and took up her sewing work, when a great etarnal coot of a feller, that made my blood bile every time I looked at him, cum into the room along with another feller, and begun to sarch arter the poor young chap that she'd hid away.
We could see that the poor gal was eenamost scared out of her senses, for she turned as white as a ghost—but she cocked one foot over t'other, and went on a sewing as fast as could be. I swanny, it made me wrathy tu hear the varmint how he run on agin the poor gal. I never did see sich wicked eyes as hisen were in my life, nor sich a ragged drunken looking shark; it made my grit rise every time he looked towards that sweet gal.
The officer couldn't find nobody, and wanted to go hum, but the tall shack went up to the chest, and begun to poke about among the clothes, and asked what she'd got there. She looked as if she would go off the handle at that; but she didn't give up. Arter a minit she jumped up and took up a gown and showed it to the officer, and then she took up a shawl and told him it was her wedding shawl, and she began to run on and smile, and talk so coaxing, and spread out the shawl all the time, till the young feller in the chest crept out and got into another room, while she held the shawl afore him. They went off grumbling, and consarnedly wamble-cropped, for a reward had been offered for the purty French gal's brother, and the etarnal scamp meant tu git his revenge on her and money tu boot.
I was a looking steady into the room, when all tu once it slid away, and there was the garden agin, and the outside of the house, and it was dark as midnight among the bushes. By-am-by out came the ragged scamp and stood jest under the poor French gal's winder, to see what was a going on, and while he was there, the good-hearted chap, that she was a going tu be married tu, came along tu look at her winder, as fellers will when they are over head and ears in luv.
Then the French gal cum to the winder, and the young feller that she'd been a hiding away, jumped out, and she put his cloak on and hugged him as if her heart was eenamost ready to bust. When she see her brother clear off she went back tu bed, but the squire and the ragged scamp had seen her, and sich a row as it kicked up never was heard on afore.
In a little while there was sich a hubbub in the garden; all the wimmen that she'd gin presents tu, got together, and begun to run out agin her, and saying that they always thought she was no better than she ought tu be. The squire said he wouldn't marry her, and the tarnal old man turned her out of doors.
I thought I should a boo-hooed right out, when I see her cum out of the door with a bundle in her hand, a crying as if she hadn't a friend on arth. She was a going away so slow and sorrowful, when the squire cum up and offered her some money, for he seemed tu feel sorry for her, though he thought she'd been a cheating him.
She looked at him so still, and yit so proud, as if her heart was brim full of grief, but she wouldn't take his money. At last he told her that the man she'd had was took prisoner. Oh, how she did take on then! She wrung her hands, and sobbed, and cried enough tu make one feel wamble-cropped to see her, and she said now that her character was gone and her brother taken, that she wanted to die.
The squire felt dreadfully when he found out that the man was her brother. So he made up with her, and she got on tu a horse and rode off full chisel tu get her brother's pardon.
By-am-by she got back with the pardon for her brother, and there was such crying and kissing and shaking hands, as you never heard on. I bellered right out a crying, I was so allfired glad tu see the poor gal happy once more.
Wal, by-am-by, a bell tinkled; the picter rolled up agin and the fiddlers begun to put on elbow grease till the music came out slick enough. Instead of the garden there was a long ball-room with rows of great shiney pillars running all through it. It was as light as day, for there seemed to be candles out of sight among the pillars, besides a row of lamps that stood along the pen where the musicianers sot. I was staring with all the eyes I had in my head, when the harnsomest critter I ever sot eyes on cum flying into the middle of the room, and there she stood on one foot with her arms held out and her face turned towards us, looking as bold, and smiling as soft as if she'd never done nothing else all her life. I was so scared when she fust sprung in, that I raly didn't know which een my head was on. The darned critter was more than half naked—she was, by golley! To save my life I couldn't look at her right straight with that blue-eyed gal a setting close by me. At fust I was so struck up that I couldn't see nothing but an allfired harnsome face a smiling from under a wreath of flowers, and naked legs and arms and neck, a flying round like a live wind-mill. I thought I should go off the handle at fust—I felt sort of dizzy, and as if I was blushing all over. I don't think I ever was in such an etarnal twitter in my hull life. I partly got up tu go out, and then I sot down agin as streaked as lean pork, and kivered my face with my yaller gloves, but somehow I couldn't hold my hands still all I could du—the fingers would git apart, so that I couldn't help but look through them at that plaguey, darned harnsome, undecent critter, as she jumped and whirled and stretched her naked arms out toward us, and stood a smiling and coaxing and looking tu the fellers. It was enough to make a feller cuss his mother because she was a woman; but I'll be darned if there ever was a feller on arth that could help looking at the critter.
I've seen a bird charmed by a black snake, but it was nothing tu this—not a priming. One minute she'd kinder flutter round the room softly and still like a bird that's jest beginning tu fly, then she'd stand on one foot and twinkle t'other out and in against the ankle so swift you couldn't but jest see it. Then she'd hop for'ard and twist her arms up on her bosom, and stick one leg out behind her, and stand on one toe for ever so long, till all on us had had a fair sight on her that way. Then she'd take another hop and pint her right toe forward, and lift it higher, till by-am-by round she'd go like a top, with her leg stuck out straight and whirling round and round like the spoke of a broken waggin with a foot tu it. It raly did beat all that I ever did see. When she stood up straight, her white frock was all sprigged off with silver, and it looked like a cloud of snow, but it didn't reach half way down tu her knees, and stuck out dreadfully behind. I hadn't dared to unkiver my face yet, and was sort of trembling all over in a dreadful pucker, wondering what on arth she meant tu do next, when she give a whirl, kissed her hand, and hopped away as spry as a cricket, jest as she came in.
I swan, if I didn't think I never should breathe straight agin; I raly wouldn't a looked in that purty blue-eyed gal's face for anything; but somehow I happened tu squint that way, for I felt kinder anxious tu see how red a gal could blush, and there she sot a smiling and a looking as she raly liked the fun. She was whispering to a young feller that sot t'other side, and sez she—
"Aint it beautiful! Oh! I hope they'll call her back!"
"She will come, I dare say," sez the feller a larfin, and beginning to stomp and clap hands with the rest on 'em that were a yelling and hooting like all possessed. "Celeste treats the Americans very much as a lover does his lady."
"How so?" sez the gal, looking sort of puzzled.
"Why, she can't leave them without coming back again and again to take farewell!" sez he, a larfin; "but here she comes!"
True as a book, there she did cum, and begun tu sidle and whirl, and cut up her crancums all over agin. By leetle and leetle I let my hands slide down from my face, and when she give her prime whirl and stuck out her toe the last time, I sot a staring right straight at her, so astonished I couldn't set still, for as true as you live, the nice, leetle French gal that was so sweet and modest, and the bold, beautiful critter with her foot out, her arms a wavering around her head, and her mouth jest open enough tu show her teeth, was the same individual critter, and both on 'em were Madame Celeste.
I went hum. But I'll be choked if them legs and arms, and that frock with the flowers over it didn't whirl round in my head all night, and they ain't fairly out yit.
Your loving son,
Jonathan Slick.
Jonathan receives an Invitation to a Fancy Ball—Dilemma about the Dress—Choice of a Character, &c.
Dear Par:
I du think this ere trade of writing is about the darndest bisness that a feller ever took to. The minit a man begins tu git his name up here in York, the way the gals du haul him over the coals is a sin to Crocket, as they say down here. They talk about the Yankees having a nack of cheating people out of their eye teeth. By gracious! if the York folks don't know how to hold up ther end of the yoke at that trade, I'm a coot, that's all. They may take my grinders and welcome, but I'll be darn'd if I give up my Christian name, without making an all-fired rumpus about it. I can't go down Cherry-street now without somebody's stopping me to find out who writes my letters, jest as if I didn't write 'em myself. Some on 'em seem to think it's a Portland chap, an allfired smart critter, that come from down East, and that's been a writing a capital history of the war down on the territory that haint got no boundary; and people keep a coming to the Express office every once in a while, to find out if Major Jack Downing don't write 'em and sign my name. I should like to ketch him at it once! Let him or any other chap put my name to any thing that I don't write, and if I don't lick him within an inch of his life, then he may steal my name and welcome.
Now, jest to git the York people out of the etarnal twitter that they're in to find out who writes my letters, I've made up my mind to tell 'em here, in one of my letters; and if I don't tell 'em the truth, I hope I may be hung and choked to death, so there!
In the first place, I aint intimate with Major Jack Downing, and never sot eyes on him in my life, till t'other night at "the Grand Fancy Ball," as they call it. He's a smart chap, but I'll be darned if he ever writ a word of one of my letters in his life,—and more than all that, he don't know me from Adam; no more does the Portland chap, or any of the rest on 'em,—and I du think it's allfired hard, if I can't have the credit of writing letters on my own hook, and nobody's else. Now these two chaps are prime fellers, and old hands at the bisness; but I never tried my hand at writing a letter in my hull life, till I sent the fust one to the Express—and that I put my name tu as large as life. Neither the Portland Major Jack Downing, nor the New York Major Jack Downing, nor our Sam, nor nobody else, has a finger in my dish; but all the letters that has my name and picter to 'em are writ by me.