Jonathan arrives in New York—Travels on the Deacon's Mare—Has Trouble with the Colt—Embarks from Peck Slip, on Capt. Doolittle's Sloop, to meet the President—His Introduction—Jonathan's Idea of the Cold Collation—The Reception—Landing at Castle Garden—Review of the Troops—The Procession, &c.
Dear Par:
Here I am, safe and sound, but about the tiredest critter that you ever sot eyes on. Afore I got to Bridgeport, I begun to be kinder sorry that I didn't stand my chance and come on with Captin Doolittle in the sloop, for the fust thing that I see arter I got tu cousin Smith's in Bridgeport, was the old sloop a scooting down the Sound like a four horse team, with all sails sot, and loaded down to the water with garden sarce. It seemed tu me that I could a'most see Captin Doolittle hisself, a standing on the deck and a poking fun at me for coming down on the old mare. The poor colt tu was eenamost tuckered out, and I begun tu feel sort o' wamblecropped for fear something would happen tu one of the poor critters afore I got tu York; but my keeping didn't cost nothing, and I got cousin Smith to put a good feed in one eend of my saddle-bags and gin the colt a warm drink of milk afore we started in the morning, so we all three on us jogged on towards Stamford, in party good condition, considerin'. Our cousin at Stamford warn't tu hum, so I had to put the old mare and colt up to a tavern, and arter letting into a few of marm's doughnuts, that lightened one eend of my saddle-bags quite a considerable, I turned in till morning. The barkeeper made me pay three York shillings for the horse keeping. My grit riz at it, for the old mare looked as lank as a shad; but I didn't want to git into a scrape, so I shelled out, and rode along darning all the cousins to darnation. What are the varmints good for, if they can't be tu hum when a feller travels their way?
It was purty well into the morning when I got down to York; the old mare was eenamost tired out, and I begun to think she wouldn't cut much of a dash; but jest as we were turning down the Bowery, she got a sight of one of them consarned great railroad cars, and seemed to take it for a stable trying to run off; for she gin a snort, stuck her tail right straight out and her ears right up, and away she streaked it arter the cars, like a house a fire and no engines to be had. The colt, it come a whinnering arter, and if we didn't cut a figger, you never saw one in the multiplication table. My coat tail was a streaming out behind, and I held on to my bell-crowned hat with one hand while I shook my bridle with t'other, and stuboyed the old critter along; for I didn't want the people to think that I was afeard to go as fast as any thing in creation took a notion to, if it was a steam engine loaded with fire and brimstun, instead of a harnsome bay mare with a nussing colt.
Jest as we got away down the Bowery, the cars stopped stock still, and the mare cum up and saw that it was only a box full of folks, she kicked up her heels till I was eenamost spilt in the street. The colt it come up and flurished its leetle spindle shanks agin the car, jest as its mother had afore, and away we went, cutting dirt down Chatham street like a streak of iled lightning, till I drew the mare up with a snort and a kick that tapered off into a double shuffle right agin the Express office.
I jumped off and streaked it into the office, and right up stairs, three steps at a time.
I walked right into the editor's room, with my hand out, and sez I,
"How do you du?"
Afore he could answer, a clock in the City Hall steeple struck. The editor, he jumped up, and sez he,
"We're tu late, the boat is off. There's your ticket, Mr. Slick, but it's of no use now."
I took the paper that he gin me,—it was an invite to meet the President, and the boat was off.
"Darn me, if I don't ketch up with him!" sez I, and out I went, right ahead down stairs, with out another word.
"Look a here," sez I to the boy that held the mare, "when the President comes in, you jest lead my horse down to the landing, and I'll give you a four-pence-ha'penny, clear silver."
"I'll du it," sez the little chap.
"You'll be a man before your marm," sez I, a turning the corner, to go the shortest cut to Peck Slip.
Captin Doolittle, was jest a hauling in, but I gin the old bell crown a swing, and sez I, "Hold on, you consarned old coot, hold on, and hist sail arter the President."
With that I jumped aboard a boat, and afore I reached the sloop she had worked about and was ready for a chase. The wind was coming right up the East River—and the minit I jumped aboard, Captin Doolittle, he and the black boy gin a hurra, and the way we cut water was a caution to small craft. We ploughed right ahead, full chisel, down the harbor, till by-am-by we saw two steamboats a coming towards us, brim full, and a running over with people—with banners a flying, and colors a streaming—toot horns a blowing, and fifes a letting off Yankee Doodle—drums a rattling out "Hail Columbia," and the big paddles a playing the water up, till it seemed tu kinder ketch fire in the hot sun, and drop into the waves to get cool agin.
"Captin," sez I, "hist another flag."
The captin, he put his chaw of terbacco into t'other cheek, and sez he, "I haint got none."
"I guess I have," sez the leetle nigger, a running down into the cabin.
In a minit he cum back with one of the captin's red woollen shirts fastened to the eend of a bean pole, and he stuck it up on the stern of the sloop, jest as we cum bearing right down on the two steamboats.
A tall chap with a sort of good natered face, but the darndest fish-hawk nose that you ever sot eyes on, stood with a lot of fellers on the deck of the boat that had the most music in it—an old codger, with a blue coat lined and faced all over with yaller, and a cocked hat right on his head, with one eend curling up, jest over his nose, like a hen-hawk ready to pick his eyes out, and with his two legs swallered up in a pair of black and yaller boots, stood close by the man with the nose.
"Captin Doolittle," sez I, "get out the gun, there's the President."
"What, that old chap with the yaller legs and breast," sez he, "that looks like an overgrown grasshopper a skipping out of the last century into this?"
"Jest so," sez I, "that's the President of the United States, I haint no doubt—so three cheers, and then blaze away!"
The nigger, he went down and brought up the old gun—Captin Doolittle, he loaded her down purty tight, pushed the charge hum with his ramrod, shook down the powder in the pan, and arter trying it to his shoulder, sez he,
"Jonathan, go ahead."
"I took a squint at the leetle nigger tu see if all was ready, and then I off with my old bell-crown," and sez I, "now"—with that I gin it a flurrish—"Hurra!!!" I yelled out like the bust of a cannon—"Hurra!!" sung out Captin Doolittle on the taper eend of my yell—"Hurra!" squeaked the leetle nigger. With that the old gun banged away, and the tall man with the nose, he bowed and flurrished his hand at us, and with that I saw Alderman Purdy, a chap that used to come to the Express office when I was there afore, and the minit he saw that it was me, the boat stopped all tu once, and begun tu snort and roll on the water like a sick porpoise, and some one sung out, "Cum aboard."
Captin Doolittle and the nigger, they let down the boat, and afore I knew it there I was, standing in the steamboat. The minit I stepped aboard, the swad of fellers on deck with toot-horns and fifes and drums, let out a hull thunder storm of music. Captin Doolittle, he banged off the old gun agin; the leetle nigger, he got up an extra shirt and gin another leetle hurra; and Mr. Purdy, sez he,
"Mr. Slick, the President wants to see you."
"Wal," sez I, "I haint no objection, only give me time to slick up a mite."
With that I took out my hankercher and kinder dusted off my new coat and trousers, and slicked down my hair a leetle, and I follered Mr. Purdy, right up tu where the President was a standing, in his yaller clothes and his cocked hat.
"Mr. Tyler, how do you du?" sez I, a taking one hand from my trousers' pocket, and a holding it out.
The yaller chap, he stepped back a leetle, and the tall coon, with the nose, he gin my hand a tarnal grip, and sez he,
"Mr. Slick, I'm glad tu see you."
"You're kinder got the advantage of me, I reckon," sez I, but that minit Alderman Purdy whispered to me,
"Why, it's the President," sez he.
"Gauly oppilus," sez I, "you don't say so!"
"Mr. President, how do you du, and how are all the folks tu hum, about these times, all purty smart I s'pose?" With that I worked away at the old chap's hand, with both mine, as if I'd made up my mind tu pump an office out of him, afore I let go.
"Wal," sez I, "Captin, I hope you mean to stay in York a spell, now you've got here; some harnsome gals about these diggings jest now, rale sneezers in the way of beauty—you haint no idee of that sort, nor nothing have you?" sez I, a giving him a slantindicular squint from one eye, and a leetle punch in the ribs with the tip eend of my finger, "no you haint now."
The captin he larfed, and sez he, "Oh no, I'm only making a little unpremeditated tour a—"
"Jest so," sez I, "an accidental visit."
The captin gin me a squint across his nose, and then I made him a low bow, and sez I, "Jest so, but the folks seem tu be rather tickled with sich accidents, don't they?"
This seemed to kinder mollify the captin, and jest as I was a spreading myself for a new speech, a feller cum up with a great red and green and white rosy, pinned on to his coat, and he whispered tu the President, and the President looked round tu me, and sez he,
"Mr. Slick, they tell me that the collation is ready—will you go with me into the ladies' cabin, and lead down one of my fair friends?"
I made him a prime bow—a rale darnsing school smasher—and, sez I,
"Wal now, I don't know what kind of horned cattle a collation is, but seeing as it's you, I'll tackle in, if it's only tu git acquainted with a downright ginuine fair friend of your'n, captin, for folks say that your friends are purty darned unfair in a gineral way."
"Folks don't du me justice," sez he, a turning red in the gills; "No man ever had better or devoted friends on arth."
"What there is on 'em," sez I.
The captin didn't seem tu hear me, but he took out his chaw of terbacco and pitched it over the side of the boat. I dug both hands into my trousers' pockets, and sez I tu the man with the silk rosy, sez I—
"Come, now, I s'pose it's about time for you and I and the President to be a movin. Where du you keep that critter of your'n?"
"What critter?" sez he.
"Why, the collation?" sez I.
"Down in the cabin," sez he.
"Wal," sez I, "I hope the varmint is considerable tame; but come on, whose afeard!"
With that, Captin Tyler and I and the old yaller chap, with a hull swad of fellers, some on 'em in training clothes, and some on 'em with cocked hats on, went into a leetle room fenced off from the deck, and there, jest as sartin as you live, were five or six wimmen folks, right in amongst all them men, like one clover top tu a hull hive of honey bees, a lookin as contented as git out. "Wal," think sez I, "If they ain't scared, I ain't." The President seemed to know 'em, for he put his arm right under mine so arnest, that he eenamost lifted my right hand out of my pocket; and, sez he,—
"Ladies, Mr. Slick, of the New York Press."
With that, I took off old bell-crown with one hand, and I put out my right foot and gin a draw kinder softly into the holler of t'other, and I bent down like a jack-knife; my eyes had tu kinder roll up a leetle, to look into the gals', and sez I,—
"Ladies, I hope you're purty well?"
One on 'em kinder got up half way, she was a proper purty woman, and looked as good natered and kind as a robin red breast in the spring time, and reached out that harnsome white hand, and smiled sort of softly, and sez she—
"Mr. Slick, we're happy tu see you."
Another harnsome critter in a checkered frock, a rale ginuine beauty, without paint or whitewash, she gin her leetle foot a twirl, and was a beginning tu reel off a curchy, so I jest stuck out my left stomper, and sot the hinge of my back a going for her; but jest as I was gittin head's up agin and my arms a swinging back tu their place, I ketched her a looking at t'other one, and a puckering up them lips of her'n, till they looked like two red rosberries jest a going to drop off from their bushes. I settled both hands back in my pockets agin, and stood right up parpendicular, as a true born American ought tu.
"Marm," sez I, "what do you think of the weather?" and with that, I jest curled my upper lip and gin her a ginuine grin from one ear tu t'other, and sez I, "Look a here, marm, if you want tu do this kinder business up harnsome, take a lesson from me; I ile the jints of my under jaw every morning. Them screw larfs ain't good for the mouth, you may be sartin of that."
The critter, she colored all over, till she looked as sweet as a pina, then a lot of fun bust right into them blue eyes of her'n, and her pesky leetle mouth begun tu tremble and work itself about, like a red rosy a trying tu fold itself up into a bud agin; and then she bust right out into a leetle finefied haw-haw; and two leetle teenty gals, dressed out in black, they begun to titter like two pigeons on a gutter—pesky sweet leetle varmints—and a smasher of a woman, that was older than any of 'em, she jined in and larfed sort of easy and nat'ral, as if she'd fed on nothing but ripe muskmellons for a hull fortnight; and then the President he jined in, and we had a fust rate haw-haw, right there in the cabin.
Jest then, a leetle chap, with an allfired swad of yaller hair a sticking out all round his head, cum in, and the good natered lady in the gray dress, she hitched on to the President, and a great tall chuckle-headed feller, dressed out in frock and trousers like a boy, with gold buttons a glittering all over his bosom, and a streak of gold a running across his shoulder, he made a dive at the harnsome gal in the checkered frock, the consarned overgrown coot! but I jest then sidled right up with my elbow ready crooked, and sez I, a looking as perlite as all natur, sez I—
"Arter me is manners for you."
The feller looked mad enough tu eat me hull, without vinegar or sarse—but I didn't seem to mind it. The harnsome gal had clenched her white fingers over my coat sleeve, as loving as a young grape vine round a black elder bush; and when I git hitched on to a fust rate gal, all the fellers in creation may go to old Nick, for what I care. The old Sogers, they mixed in with us and the fellers with silk rosies, and out we went, on deck and down stairs. The music, it bust out agin, and one of the fellers with a silk rose, he yelled out, "Make room for the President!" so the free-born Americans on deck, they crowded back and made a lane for us.
"Make room for the President and his sweet," the feller sung out agin.
Think sez I, "That aint fair now; the gal with the President is a nice critter as ever lived; but darn me if mine aint sweeter than his'n, a pesky sight,"—so I sung out, and sez I—
"Make room for Jonathan Slick and his sweet;" with that I took a marching step and went down stairs heads up, and with the gal hanging on my arm, as independent as a cork-screw. Gaury, but wasn't there a feed, considering it was nothing but a cold cut—sich hunks of beef, and ham, and pork, and piles of bread, and bottles of "the critter," you never sot eyes on, without it was day arter thanksgiving. We all sot down at one eend of the table, and afore we'd got a single bite, the doors banged open, and down cum the free-born citizens from on deck, helter skelter, higgle-te-pigglety, black coats, red coats, blue, green, every color on arth, and sogers, spartans, tailors, shoemakers—every sort of two-legged animals under 'em, eating away for dear life, and a drinking like so many house gutters, right afore the face and eyes of the President and me, with all the harnsome leetle sweets a setting round us,—I swan tu man, it eenamost sot me agin my victuals: and the harnsome gal by my side, she looked kinder scared, as if she hadn't ought tu be there.
"Try and take a bite, du now!" sez I, a piling some cold pork on her plate, "it aint a mite rusty, and makes me feel a'most to hum, it tastes so nat'ral."
She put the leastest mite between them temptin lips, but didn't seem to eat with a relish yet. "I swan," sez I, a bending down to take a squint at her face, "I only wish I could git aboard the sloop, and bring you a prime bunch of young onions. Wait a minit and I'll try?"
"Oh, no, no," sez the sweet critter, "I'd ruther not—don't leave me, Mr. Slick."
"Darn me, if I du—onions or no onions," sez I, but I felt kinder disappointed though, for a bunch of white onions, tops and all, would a ben prime with the cold pork—howsomever, I gin in as a feller ought tu, when a gal is in the case; but I didn't feel a bit satisfied about the stomach. When the President got up tu go on deck agin, I looked into the gal's eyes, and tried not tu feel a hungry.
Oh, par, I wish you'd a ben standing on the deck, with us, when we went up. It was a tarnation harnsome sight; the water was a blazing with the sun, and a shining around us, all checkered over with boats, and sloops, and shipping of all sorts, then right ahead was the hull city of York, steeples, housen, and wharves, piled together and heaped up with people a swarming down tu the shore, a hanging over the water, and a climbing up the masts all along the East and North rivers, like bees in hiving time. Two allfired big ships sot on the water, right agin the Battery, with a hull regiment of men, all dressed out in white, a standing up in the rigging, tu see the President and us cum in. The hills all round Brooklyn, was kivered thick with folks a hurraing and a flinging their hats up—and a leetle island that lies close up tu York, was chuck full and a running over with human live stock.
When we got agin the big ships, the men in the riggin flurrished their hats, and gin us a thundering loud hurra. The President he took his hat off, and I and the old yaller chap boosted him up onto a chair, that everybody might have a good squint at him. Mr. Curtis wanted tu hold on tu his coat tail, and make believe boost, but the old yaller chap and I—we shoved him off about the quickest.
"Git out," sez I, "git out! if a President of the United States, can't stand without the help of a pack of office-holders, he'd better fall tu once. Here's this old revolutionary soger, and I—the army, and the people—if we can't keep him up, he'll have tu go tu grass that's all!"
But while we was talking, the two ships blazed away with every darn'd gun in their sides, and the sailors hurraed agin, and afore we knew it, a hull thunder cloud of hot smoke cum a pouring over us all—ca-smash went the chair, and the President he pitched head for'ard, right amongst the office holders. The old yaller chap and I shook our heads, and begun to feel a trifle streaked.
"I'm afeard he's a gone shote," sez I, as the old feller put his cocked hat on agin.
"A unfortunate accident," says a feller close by.
"Not so unfortunate as you think for," sez Captin Tyler, a jumping up and a nussing his nose with one hand, "I've had worse falls than this, and riz agin arter all. Give us another boost, feller citizens—I stand ready for a second boost."
The office-holders made believe help him, but Lord a massy! they hadn't grit enough tu hist a grasshopper out of a bog of swamp grass; but I and the yaller gineral, though, we sot him up as good as new, afore half the smoke cleared off.
Jest as all was put tu rights agin, the brass cannon at the eend of our boat, let off a blast of young thunder. We gin the ship a fust rate hurra, and the minit we were a done, Captin Doolittle and the nigger, they got up a small chance of a cheer, and let off the old gun agin right under our starn. Arter that, we made a curlecue round both the ships with our music a rolling out and our flags a flying, and Captin Doolittle he chased right arter with the red shirts a cutting capers from the bean-poles; and the leetle nigger, he stood on the bows a rolling his eyes and a blowing away at Yankee Doodle on a crooked fife like all natur. I swan tu man, it was enough tu set a feller's patriotism to working like a beer barrel. We gin the ship another hurra and cut for the Battery, with Captin Doolittle and the sloop a streaking it right arter; the guns on the little island they bellowed away at us as we cut by, and the folks on the Battery, they flung up their hats and hollered eenamost as loud as the guns that kept a roaring every minit, till by-am-by in we went ca-smash, right amongst the trees and a hull gineral training of sogers. The President and us we walked ashore and went right into Castle Garden. It was chuck full of feller citizens and sogers, and the mayor was a waitin for us to cum up; he measured off a hull bilin of soft soap to the captin, and then the captin he stuck out his right arm and gin the mayor back as good as he sent, with a pint cup full over. Then we went out amongst the trees, the captin he got on tu a horse all finefied off with gold and shiny leather, and then the leetle boys that hung on the trees as thick as acorns in the fall, they gin us a cheer, and jest that minit I see the newsboy a leading my mare right towards me. I forked over a fourpence-ha'penny and got on tu the critter, tickled eenamost tu death tu git a chance tu sit down agin.
That mare is clear grit, par, and no mistake; the music, and the guns, and the shoutin, had sot her blood a bilin, and she danced about like a two year old colt jest off grass.
I rode through the trainers full chisel arter the President, and the colt, he cum a kickin up his heels amongst the wimmen and children as crazy as a bed bug. I pushed in close up tu the captin, and he and I and the rest on 'em rode along afore the sogers as crank as you please. But the mare, she didn't seem tu like the way they pinted them guns at her, and once in a while she'd kick up and grow a leetle sarcy, and snort right in their faces like a tin toot-horn about dinner time. When we'd got about half way through the sogers—and it seemed as if all creation had got intu regimentals jest then—the mare she got anxious about the colt, and sot up a whinner that a'most shook me off from her back. I tried tu make her git along, but she only bust out in a new spot, dug her hoofs close tu the ground and backed into the crowd till I got wrathy as all natur with her; but the more I paid the gad on, the worse she got, till by-am-by she stood stock still, a shakin her head, a stompin with her fore foot, and a yellin arter the colt like a lovesick gal.
The President he was a gitting ahead, and the darn'd coots all around, begun to larf and poke fun at us, when the colt he cum a scampering through the trees, and a scattering hull squads of wimmen, and boys, and babies, every jump, till he ended off in a crazy caper, all around the mare and me. This pacified the critter, and arter whinnering over the colt a leetle, she jogged on as meek as a cosset lamb, and the colt he follered close tu, till I came up with the captin agin, and then he'd stop every once in a while, and face about, look right into the sogers' eyes, so arnest, that they couldn't help but bust out a larfin, if the President and I was a lookin at 'em.
It was about the greatest show that I ever sot eyes on. The Battery is one of the harnsomest spots on arth, all kivered with grass, and chuck full of trees, and a hull army of sogers, some in brown regimentals, some in green, with yaller feathers, and some in red, yaller, blue, and all sorts of colors, a wheelin round under the trees, was enough to make a feller proud of his country.
When we got to the gate, which opens at the eend of Broadway, Captin Tyler he got into a carriage, and wanted me to git in tu, but I was afeard to leave the mare, and so Robert Tyler, the chap with the yaller hair, we agreed to hitch tackle, and ride along with one another. A hull army of sogers with their drums a beating, and colors a flying, went ahead; Robert Tyler and I, and the colt, and a hull squad of other great men cum next, and then come on the President with his hat off, and a bowin to all the winders and stoops as he went along. Wasn't them winders and ruffs and stoops a sight tu behold! Every square of glass, and every railing that a critter could hold on to was kivered with folks. In my hull life, I never see so many harnsome gals. It seemed as if every man in York, had hung out a sample of his family, for the fellers to pick and choose from. I swan tu man, if it didn't seem to me as if all the gals in creation was a swarming round the President and I, like yaller butterflies round a mud hole, all on 'em anxious for a smile at one or t'other on us. It made the blood kinder tingle all over me to feel that hull battery of bright eyes a pouring fire down on us. I raly don't see how the President stood it! He couldn't, if the crowds of free born citizens that swarmed every step of the way, layer on layer, hadn't kept him a shakin hands out of the carriage a'most every step, till he was clear tuckered out, and a'most wilted down in the carriage, long afore we got up the Express office. When the news boys see me and the colt, they sot up a hurra that outdid anything I'd heard since we come away from the Battery, all the purty gals waved their hankerchers about, and every winder was jammed full, and all on 'em a lookin straight at me and Bob Tyler and the colt. So I lifted my right hand kinder slow, and took off the old bell-crown—I drew in the bridle so as to make the mare caper about right, and made six bows one arter t'other, till my forred near about touched the old mare's neck.
They gin me three more cheers of the tallest kind, as they say in York, but when I looked round, there was Bob Tyler with his hat off, and a shakin that swad of yaller hair about, jest as if our news boys would cheer him, or any body else, when I was a goin by!
"That's right, Mr. Slick," sez he, when he see my bell-crown off.
"Par the President must be a'most tired to death, a bowin and a shakin hands so much, it's quite proper that you and I should do a little on it for him."
"Wal," think sez I, "if you aint a self-conceited critter, I don't know who is," but the feller looked as innocent as a lamb, and I was afeard he'd feel about as sheepish as if I let out on him—so I put my bell-crown on agin, with a leetle knock at the top, for I had to settle the grit somehow, and sez I,
"Wal, Mr. Tyler—to git on a new subject—how'll you swap horses?—say my mare and colt agin that harnsome critter of your'n, saddle and bridle thrown in?"
The feller kinder smiled, but didn't answer right off, so I jest turned about, and leaned one hand on the old mare's cropper, while I whistled the colt up tu us, and pinted out his harnsome head and chist, and the clean notion that he has got of flingin out his legs.
"He's a smart critter, I can tell you," sez I; "and as for the old mare here, she's worth her weight in silver dollars. Haint got but one fault on arth."
"And what's that?" sez Mr. Robert Tyler, sez he.
"Why, she's troubled with the botts a leetle, once in a while, but it aint nothin worth mentionin."
Mr. Robert Tyler he give a start, and he turned as white as skim milk in the face. Sez he, all in a twitter, sez he, "Don't mention it, Mr. Slick. My par, the President, wouldn't let a horse go into his stable that had ever gin symptoms of the botts. It's an awful disease. Don't mention it to him, for he'd never git over it if you did!"
"Wal, then, I s'pose we can't trade," sez I. "Think on it agin. Mebby you'll change your mind to-morrow."
"Hello!" sez I agin. "What's that. Captin Tyler's druv his carriage right out of the ranks, and is gone fair split down Broome street."
Mr. Robert Tyler he turned his horse, and he and I and the colt took arter the President full chisel. We cum up with him jest as he was a gittin out before the Howard Hotel. He was so beat out and tuckered down that I raly felt sorry for him; for arter all that folks say, I believe that he's a good hearted old chap, and wants to du the thing that's about right, if he could only be sartin what it was. He couldn't but jest hold up his head, and had tu go to the Theatre yit. As I was a looking at him, a notion cum intu my head, and, sez I—
"Captin, jest put on your hat a minit, and drive down to the sloop—I've got somethin there that'll make your nose tingle, and chirk you right up, till you'll be as chipper as a squirrel in the fall time."
Captain Tyler he got right up, and sez he—"I'll do anything on arth that'll make me feel better." "Mr. Robert," sez I, "tell the gals that we'll come back right off"—so down we went, I helped the President into the carriage, and in less than no time we got out and went aboard the sloop.
Captain Doolittle had gone ashore, and there wasn't nobody aboard but the leetle nigger. I sent him to the wharf for a pitcher of cold Croton water, and then I asked the President down into the cabin. It was cleared out, and swept as neat as a new pin. The table that stood in the middle of the cabin was scoured off as white as milk, and Captain Doolittle he'd hung up the checkered curtins that marm made for him, right over the highest berth, till it looked as temptin as our spare bed. I gin the Captin a chair, and he sot his hat down on the table, close by old bell-crown, while I opened a locker and took out a hull dishfull of doughnuts that marm biled up for me afore I cum away. Just as I'd sot them on the table, the nigger cum with the cold water. I took it up tu the locker, and filled in with vinegar and lasses enough to make it prime switchel, such as marm mixes up for the workin hands since you took the pledge, par. When I stirred it up well, and took a swig, to see if it was the rale critter, I got a tumbler, and arter filling one for the President, I sot down, and sez I—
"Now, Captin, make yourself to hum, and take hold."
He didn't need much urgin, for the switchel was ginuine stuff, sweety and yet sort of tart, and cool as a cowcumber, and the doughnuts beat all natur.
The President hadn't eat more than half a dozen, and had his tumbler filled about as often, afore he begun to chirk up, and look as good as new agin.
"Mr. Slick," sez he, "this is what I call livin," but my mouth was half full of a middling-sized doughnut, and I had to wash it down afore I could answer.
"Help yourself, Captin; don't be afeard—there's enough more where these cum from," sez I, a swollering the last mouthful.
"Wal, I think I've done purty well," sez he, a stretching hisself up and putting his hands in his pockets, "I raly begin to feel like myself agin; that's excellent drink of yourn, aint it, Mr. Slick?"
"Coolin," sez I, "and ruther toothsome; shall I mix another pitcher, captin?"
"No, not now," sez he, "but I wish you'd write me out a receipt."
"I'll do it," sez I, "and glad of the chance, for darn me if I haint took a sort of a notion to you; my opinion is that you're a rale ginuine feller, if them consarned politicians would only let you be; all you want is a downright honest chap that'll tell you the truth right out, and that you can trust, he'd be worth a hull bilin of Whigs, or Loco-focos either."
"But where is he to be found?" sez the President, sort of melancholy.
"Look a here!" sez I, a flingin one arm over the chair and a leaning t'other elbow on the table; "look a here!"
The President he sot with both hands in his pockets a looking right in my face for ever so long, and sez he at last, sez he—
"Mr. Slick, will you go back with me to the hotel, and sleep with me to-night? I want to have some talk with you: of course you'll go with us to the Park Theatre?"
"With all the pleasure in natur," sez I, "and we'd better be a-goin; take another swig of the pitcher, captin, and stow away some of the doughnuts in your pockets, they'll be prime at the Theatre."
The President said he'd eat enough, so as I was a follering up my own advice, he got up and was a puttin on his gloves, when he see his own pictur a hanging by Captin Doolittle's berth, and I could see that he was kinder tickled with it.
"Captin Doolittle aint much of a politician," sez I, "but he bought that picter because he parsists that it proves you to be the most consistent President that ever lived, when you veto so many bills."
"How does my face prove that," sez he, looking sort of puzzled.
"Why," sez I, "he sez that a man that runs so ginerally to nose can't be expected to say yes when he don't want to."
The President he bust right out a larfin, and with that I took old bell-crown, and arter sending the nigger to put up the mare and colt I follered on to the hotel; but it's gittin late and I can't write any more till next week; but mebby you'll hear from me then, for the President and I went to the Theatre, and slept together, and are as thick as three in a bed jest now, and if he haint no objections I shall write all about it, but 'twill be jest as it takes my notion whether I send it right on or print it.
I send you my pictur and the captin's tu, but it was engraved in a hurry, and aint nigh on so harnsome as either on us; by-am-by I'll set for another, and then you'll see a chap worth while a figgering in the Express agin.
Your dutiful son,
Jonathan Slick.
JONATHAN SLICK IN NEW YORK.
Jonathan attends the President at the Howard House—Visits the Park Theatre with the President and his Handsome Girl—Goes with Mr. Robert Tyler to have his Hair Cut at Clairhugh's—Takes Refreshments with the Ladies at the Howard House—Bed-chamber Scene with the President—Serenade, &c.
Dear Par:
I begin tu feel a leetle sort of better, but nothing to brag on yit. I raly believe that I'd a been a gone sucker, if it hadn't been for the mustard plasters and the onions that Captin Doolittle kept a filling into me, outside and in, till I can a'most feel myself sprouting out greener than ever, and twice as strong. My gracious! when this ere influenza does git hold of a feller, it aint a critter that you can scare off in a hurry. It's the worst kind of a Down East cold, double and twisted strong; and if you don't humor it like a cosset lamb, jest as like as not it ups and goes off, stuboy, into a galloping consumption; and the worst on it is, it carries you off with it, whether you will or no.
Let me see; I was a telling you about the President, and how he seemed tu enjoy the doughnuts and switchel aboard the sloop. The old chap took tu it like a nussin baby, and if he wasn't clear grit, and no mistake, arter it, I don't know the symptoms of prime living.
Wal, we went back to the Howard Hotel, and the President he jumped out of the carriage as spry as a kitten, and both on us run up the steps that open out of Maiden Lane, to git rid of a hull swad of office-holders that was a hurraing at the front door in Broadway.
The President he took off his hat, and slicked down his hair a leetle in the entry-way, and I pulled up my dickey a trifle, and hauled out a corner of my yaller hankercher, and sez I—
"Captin, go ahead, I'm all ready."
We went right intu the harnsomest room that I ever sot eyes on in my hull life. Nothing that I ever see at the Astor House was a primin to it. The carpeting was all finefied off, and curlecued with posies, and green leaves, and morning-glory vines went a twistifying all over it as nat'ral as life, and all on 'em seemed kinder tangled up and trying to unsnarl all over the floor, till it raly seemed like treading on a patch of wild posies, with the moonshine a streamin over it; you would a'most smell the roses when a feller sot his foot on a bunch on 'em, they were pictered out so nat'ral and temptin.
The President, he sidled off to one of the cushioned benches, and sot down right in a swad of the harnsomest of the gals that sot in the room. They squeezed together tu make room for him, and larfed so good natered, and looked all in a twitter they was so tickled tu git him among 'em; and there I was, eenamost alone, a standin up parpindicular, and a feelin as streaked as a pair of old cotton trousers in washing time. That pesky harnsome critter that wore the checkered frock aboard the boat, she got nigh agin the door, so when she see me a standin there, she pinted with that leetle white hand of her'n, and sez she—
"Why don't you take a seat, Mr. Slick?"
"Wal," sez I, a bowin, "I don't care if I du, jest to oblige you;" so down I sot, but the cushion give so, that I sprung right up on eend agin, and when I see it rise up as shiney and smooth as ever, I looked at her, and sez I—
"Did you ever!"
"It's elastic," sez she, a puckering up her mouth.
"I don't know the name on it," sez I, "but it gives like an old friend, so I'll try it agin."
"These cushions are very beautiful and pleasant," sez she.
"Yes," sez I, a spreadin my hankercher over the cushion and a settin down, "they're as soft and blue as them tarnal sweet eyes of your'n, but not half so bright."
She kinder larfed a leetle cozy, and begun tu play with a tossel that hung to a corner of her seat, and then she went to talkin with the fat woman that sot t'other side, like all possessed—the darned tanterlizin varmint.
The President he was as chipper as a blackbird, with the gals around him a smiling and a twitterin as tickled as so many trout round a bait. It raly made my dander rise tu see it, and me a settin there as lonesome as git out. There, jest afore me on the wall, was great smashin pictur,—a rale pen of gold, with a man and a woman a huggin and kissin, and a lookin into each other's eyes, right in the middle on it,—as if there wasn't enough rale live temptin critters to rile a feller up without tanterlizin him with picturs tu.
I say, par, did you ever see a checkered adder a charmin a bird, with his head stuck up in the sun, and kinder slanted a one side,—his mouth wide open, and that are leetle forked tongue a tremblin in the middle on it, as if it was sot to dancin by that lazy hum, hum, hum, that comes etarnally a bilin up from the pison critter's throat? Haint you never observed the purty bird, half scared tu death, and yit a flutterin closer and closer to the varmint, till by-am-by, she lights right in his jaw, and lies a twitterin there while he's a swallerin it hull? Wal, par, jest take away the pison, and you've some idee how I and old bell-crown come the soft sodder round that gal; but I didn't want to git her to hankering arter me tu much, for nothin on arth is so likely to cure a chap of a love-sick fit, as to see the gal a gittin tu strong a notion arter him; so I gin my fingers another snap, to change the tune, and tapered of into Old Hundred with a touch of Greenbank, and that froze her down, eyes, feet and all, in less than no time.
The Theatre was chuck full of folks, and the minit we went in, the hull bilin on 'em got up and begun to fling their hats about and yell agin like all possessed. I tell you what, par, these ere Yorkers are nigh about tickled tu death to think that I've cum back agin. The President and I, we both got up and laid our hands aginst our vest pockets on the left side, and then we begun tu grin like two whipporwills in a black alder bush, and sot tu bowin and rollin up our eyes, till they went at it a consarned sight more fearce than ever. Arter they begun to cool down a trifle, the President and I, we sot down on one of the front benches; so I jest gin the harnsome gal a wink to set down close tu t'other side, and then the hull on 'em begun tu pile in, till we cut about as harnsome a dash as a'most anybody need tu see.
The mayor, he was a goin tu set down by the President, but when he see me, of course he gin away, and sot on t'other seat.
Jest then the curtain cum down ca-chunk, and the folks all riz and gin me three cheers that made the blood bile in my heart like maple sap in a sugar kittle. Then a leetle, lank, office-seekin chap sticks hisself up in the back seats, and yelled out, "Three cheers for the President."
But lord a marcy, cheers aint to be hauled out of a crowd of free-born citizens like fish from a mill pond. Two or three mean looking shotes like him squealed out "Hurra!" but that bait wasn't temptin enough for known fish. I didn't want to make the President feel bad, nor jealous, nor nothin, so I jest gin old bell-crown a whirl, and hollered out, "Three cheers for my friend, the captin."
Gaury, didn't they let into it then! the ruff with all its picturs and curlecues seemed a liftin right up from the walls, hats and hankerchers streamed out; and sich a blast of human thunder aint heerd every night at the Park Theatre.
"That'll du," sez I, a sinkin old bell-crown, and letting myself off in a bow like an iled jack-knife. "That'll du. Now, captin, I guess we'd better go hum."
"But I've got to go to the Chatham Theatre yit," sez the President, a takin up his hat. "The Democracy, the Democracy, you know, Mr. Slick, that must be our fust consideration."
"You aint a goin, Mr. Slick?" sez the harnsome gal, a lookin with them two eyes right into mine, and a clinchin them ere white fingers over the edge of old bell crown.
"I ruther guess not," sez I, a droppin my yaller hankercher over that pesky white hand, for it looked so temptin that I was afeard the President would want to git hold on it, and somehow a President al'ers does purty much as he's a mind to with the gals, except now and then one that's got a right idee of her place.
"Wal," sez I, "captin, if you're detarmined to tackle in with that arnimal that you jest mentioned, make up your mind to cut your own fodder. I go for human natur in gineral—the best part of natur I take to be the wimmen folks—so, if you'd jest as lives, I'll stay and go hum with the gals."
With that, Captin Tyler and the mayor, and the chaps with the silk rosies went off; but Robert Tyler and I jest hitched ontu the wimmen critters, and took them hum to the Howard Hotel. The landlord, he sent us some drink that was enough to make your eyes water, besides a great dish of pine-apples sliced up, sugared off and with wine poured all over 'em, that he sot right under the glass dish full of fire, where they lay yaller and shiny enough to tempt a tee-totaler to break his pledge. The wimmen they all drawed up round the table, and while they were laying into the eatables and drinkables, I jest sidled round to the harnsome gal and took one of marm's doughnuts out of my pocket, and I slid it into her hand. I gin her a wink, and, sez I,
"Keep dark, I don't want tu be mean, nor nothin; I haint got enough to go all round."
She was so tickled that she turned red all over, and eenamost larfed out; but she took the hint and rolled the doughnut up in her hankercher, not to make the rest jealous.
Jest then, I slipped out and run down tu the sloop, for I felt a dry agin, and them pine-apples made me feel sort of womble-cropped about the stomach.
Your dutiful son,
Jonathan Slick.
JONATHAN SLICK IN NEW YORK.
Jonathan goes to see Mr. Macready—Description of the Theatre—Introduces himself to a Handsome Girl at the Theatre—Enters into a Flirtation—Promises to Visit her—Jonathan takes a Novel Method of providing himself with a Fashionable Dress—Quarrels with Captain Doolittle—Is reconciled, and starts off to make a Morning Call on the Handsome Girl.
Dear Par:
Here I am agin, safe and sound, large as life, and chipper as a grasshopper on a high rock in a sunshiny day. I tell you what, a few ginuine huskings to hum, with purty gals to put the music in a feller's elbows, as he strips the husks off from the corn, is jest the sort of occasions to put the grit into a feller from top to toe—jest top them off with an apple cut or so, sich as we had to our house when you and marm cut about amongst the gals and the young chaps, like two spring colts jest let out to grass; and taper the hull off with a week sich as I had a ropin onions with Judy White, with her pesky red pouters a one side, and two or three prim Weathersfield gals on t'other a turning their good natured eyes at a feller every string, till his heart is a cuttin pigeon wings agin his ribs to the music of their larf—jest let a chap get used to that sort o'pastur, and consarn me, if it don't do more towards making a ginuine man of him than a hull etarnity of York life, where every other man and gal you meet have got their hearts so tarnally used up, that they have to lean agin their back bones to rest more than half the time, and likely as not get sound to sleep at that.
The old sloop jest hit the nail on the head, and hauled into Peck Slip the night arter Mr. Macready, a smashin actor from the old country, got to the Park Theatre, where he's been a acting out things that'd make your hair stand right up an eend eenajest to see it. I tell you what, he's a hull team and a horse to let—no mistake in that.
Did you ever see a race horse up on eend for a run, with his neck curled over like an ox bow, and his skin shinen like a junk bottle? Did you ever look into the critter's eyes, and see the fire dancing through the black?—arnimal lightning, every darned spark on it. If you've seen that are, then you've got some idee of the allfired smashin critter that my arm was eenamost girting afore I took a squint at her face.
Wal, she squinched a trifle and gin a leetle start, and then gin me a look with them etarnal long big eyes that made me a'most jump on eend, and yit I sot like a great gawk a staring right intu her face, jest as if I hadn't no marners. Quill wheels and cheese presses! wasn't that critter something worth while! sich lips—red as a blood beet, and shiny as a harnful of wintergreen berries! Consarn it, if ther'd been a honey bee in the theatre, he couldn't a kept from lighting right between 'em; and if he didn't find the breath as sweet agin as all the honey he ever stole from a clover top, I must a been darndly cheated by the looks on 'em—that's jest it. Her neck, and that great broad forred of her'n, looked sort brown and slick, alike a hazlenut jest afore it rattles from the shuck; and I never see a crow a flying in the hot sun so black and shiny, as the thick swad of hair that hung braided and twistified up with gold chains, rale ginuine gold, all round that harnsome head of her'n. I swan tu man, she was the fust gal that ever made Jonathan Slick feel as if he wasn't tu hum in good company. Our black colt, with his taperin limbs, that soft shiny mane, and them eyes that seemed to ketch fire when the sun strikes 'em—is about as much like a common cider mill horse, as she is like the generality of wimmin folks. She was eenajest as tall as I be, and big enough every way to match—a rale downright sneezer of a gal, that a'most took away my breath every time my eye ketched her'n: and consarn me, if that wasn't every two seconds while I sot there.
Wal, there we sot and sot, till the curtin right afore us came down ca-chunk agin the floor, and all the folks riz up as if it was time tu be a goin. The gal got up, took the bottle and hankercher in one hand, and seemed tu be kinder lookin around for something. I was jest a crookin my elbow, and had eenamost said, "Shall I have the pleasure to see you hum marm?" as we do at singin school, when a feller that had been settin right behind us riz up and stuck out his hand as nat'ral as git out.
The gal kinder gin a turn, and while she made bleeve pin her shawl, chucked a piece o' paper into my hand, and put the consarned little hand that I'd been a nussing in mine, right through that tall chap's arm, and went off as if nothing was the matter. I turned round like a great gawk, and took arter em. I jest ketched one squint at them tarnal black eyes and at a swad o' hair that stuck out on his upper lip, like a gray cat's whiskers, and then I found myself standing, like any other darned coot, all alone under a street lamp, a tryin to cypher out the leetle finefied words writ out on that piece o' paper. Arter a good deal of extra spellin I found out the meanin, and that was an invite to come and see that gal in the morning, at a house in ——.
Wal, I did the paper up, put both hands in my trousers pockets, and arter lookin at myself from top to toe, sez I—
"Jonathan Slick, you must be a consarned sight harnsomer chap than ever I took you to be, that's sartin."
Wal, I couldn't ketch a wink of sleep all night, but kept up a tarnal thinkin about that gal; and there lay Captin Doolittle a snorin away in the berth right above me, like a tin peddler's toot-horn run crazy. I swan, it was as much as I could du to keep from gettin up and chokin the varmint. Turights the daylight cum a sneakin intu the cabin as lazy as ever you see daybreak come on; and jest arter the sun got up, Captin Doolittle begun to stir his stumps about breakfast. He and I and the little nigger sot down, but I felt kinder peaked and couldn't hoe my row a bit; so the Captin and the nigger did extra duty, and stowed away for me.
Your loving son,
Jonathan Slick.
Jonathan Visits the Handsome Girl—Describes a Gambling-House in the Morning before it is put to rights—Visits the Lady's Boudoir—Describes the Furniture, the Lady, her Dress, and Conversation—Is Interrupted by the Gentleman of the House—And leaves with a promise to return and escort Miss Sneers to Mad. Castellan's Concert.
Dear Par:
Wal, as I was sayin, I pulled foot down one of them streets that run off kinder catecorned by the Park, till I cum right agin the house pinted out in the paper which that harnsome gal had gin me. I kinder cut across the street and stood over agin the house, detarmined tu take a sort o' observation afore I sot my foot inside the doorway. It was an allfired harnsome consarn, with one story piled atop of t'other, till you could count four rows of winders, besides a row of young ones, stuck right in tu the edge of the ruff. A lot of stone steps run up tu the front door, and an iron fence twistified and curlecued round the edges run along each eend. The winders all on 'em had green slats shut over 'em, the door follered the fashion, and the hull consarn seemed tu be shut up agin winter.
Wal, I cut across the street and went straight up the steps. There was a great chunk o' silver sot intu a kind of a silver sarser nailed agin the door post, and with a name writ round the edge on it. Arter giving the chunk a sneakin pull, to be sartin it would give and meant somethin, I gin it an allfired jerk—and turights there was a tinklin and ringin inside, as if an old wether with a fust rate bell on, had took to scootin over the house.
I hadn't more'n got my hand off the chunk, when the green slats swung open jest as easy, and a yaller nigger stood inside a eyeing me from top tu toe, as if he had a sort of hankerin arter some human arnimal, but didn't think me jest good enough tu eat hull without considerable sarse.
"How do you du," sez I, as mealy as a pink eyed potater jest out o' the pot—"How are all the folks this mornin?—purty smart I reckon."
The coot stared and kinder shook the two great swads o' curly hair that stuck out over each side of his head; and arter lookin back intu the house, then up the street, and then agin at me, sez he, "What du you want?" sez he.
"Wal," sez I, a divin both hands down to where my pockets ought to a'been, but eenamost keelin head over heels with the dive I gin without finding bottom—"I seem tu surmise that I want tu see some body a trifle more like folks than you seem tu be—so I guess I'll walk in."
With that I gin the chap a shove with one of my mudgrapplers, and walked right intu the long entry-way, as crank as a militia trainer with his regimentals on.
"What's your name and who do you want?" sez the yaller nigger kinder wrothy, and a shakin that swad o' curly hair at me like a darned great sun flower in a foggy storm.
"Wal," sez I, "you ought tu go Down East and learn to ask questions. If your tongue was only half as greasy as your face now, you could a done it as slick agin. I aint got no name tu speak on, and all I want o' you is jest tu tell the harnsome critter that lives here, that I'm on hand, a waitin down here as spry as a cricket, and about as arnest tu see her agin as ever a chap was."
The chap he kinder eyed me askew. Fust he took a squint at my puffy trousers, then at old bell crown, and then at me all over.
"You can't be the gentleman that she told me to let in," sez he; "does Miss Sneers expect you?"
"Wal, I kinder reckon she does," sez I.
"Wal," sez the feller, lookin sort o' unsartain, "jest step intu this room and I'll go and see."
"That's a leetle more like folks," sez I, a followin the chap intu a room at one eend of the entry-way, where I sot down with old bell crown over my knees, and took a squint round. It was kinder dark, for them between slats shut out the light; but I could see that the room hadn't been fixed up since over night. Two of the chairs lay keeled up on the carpet—the kiver was a slidin off from the table a'most tu the carpet, and slopped over with wine that wasn't dry yit—a decanter with a trifle o' wine, or per'aps brandy, stood on the table where the cloth had left it bare, and an allfired purty wine glass lay on the harnsome carpet broke to smash; and round under the table and close around my chair was a hull squad of playin cards, a'most new, as if somebody had got beat a playin high-low-jack and the game, and flung the hull bilin down in a huff. I'd jest picked up two or three of the cards, when the yaller nigger turned back and sez he—
"It aint of no use—I can't tell my mistress who wants tu see her, if you wont give me your name, or a card."
"Wal," sez I, "if you must have one or t'other, there's a card—now git out, and don't let me see that consarned yaller face agin till it's wanted."
With that I handed over the jack-o'-spades; he turned his great sarser eyes, fust on the leetle feller that sot stuck up on the card, and then agin at me, as if he didn't know what tu make on't. There was no satisfy in him, I could see that, but I'd begun to get tired o' waitin, and sez I,
"Wal, there's the card, and a harnsome one tu—my name is Jonathan Slick of Weathersfield—my father is a Squire and a Deacon of the Church—my mother was Jerusha Pettebone—my —— but darn me, if you aint satisfied now, you consarned pryin shote, you may go tu grass, and the harnsome gal with you."
The feller cut stick afore I'd half done, and cum back a bowin and a scrapin, as if he'd got a set of new jints while he was a goin up stairs.
"My mistress wants tu know if you're the gentleman that she saw at the theatre last night."
"Jest so," sez I, a flingin down the ten spot o' clubs and the ace o' diamonds, for somehow I jest didn't like the touch of the varmints—"jest so!"
"Walk up stairs," sez he, a bowin eenamost tu the ground.
"Wal, I don't care if I du," sez I, follerin the chap.
I took off old bell crown and riled up my curls with a leetle flourish o' fingers amongst the thickest on 'em, as I went up stairs—then I kinder shook up the pletes of my trousers, and pulled out the eend of my yaller hankercher, as I went along behind the buff colored nigger.
I swan tu man, Par, it was like walkin through a footpath kivered over with meadow grass and wild posies, as I went up the stairs, all carpeted off and a shinin with bars of gold. Jest at the top stood a black figger, a'most as large as life and all but naked, a holdin one finger tu his lips and with a lamp in t'other hand, that seemed as if it had burnt itself out, for there wasn't any ile in it, and the wick was sooty as a nigger's eye lashes.
Wal, I follered on intu another entry-way, where another figger stood, as white as if it had been cut out of a fust rate cheese curd. It had one foot up, as if it was a darncin, one arm was flung over its own head, and both its pesky leetle hands was chuck full of posies, that looked as if they'd been planted in a snow bank and watered with new milk, afore that harnsome half dressed, indecent figger had found 'em. She looked like a ginuine purty gal froze tu death for the want of kiverin.
Wal, while I was a lookin at the poor critter, that yaller nigger he opened the door and stood a flurishin his hand about, jest as our minister does when he dismisses meetin, and is tu allfired lazy tu use both hands tu once.
I went by the varmint and there I stood stock still in the door way a starin about like a stuck calf. I swan, Par, I never sot eyes on any thing that could shake a stick at that are room in my born days. The floor was all spread off with a carpet, like a meadow that slants tu the fust spring sun when the grass is a springin up, and sot off thick with dandelions, buttercups and clovertops; and I swan tu man, there was something in the room that smelt just about as sweet.
The room wasn't over large, and a whoppin winder eenamost took up one eend on't. Yet it was kinder dark for all that, for a hull harvest of shiny silk, as thin as a locust's wing, and sort a rosy colored, like a gal's cheek jest arter a chap has kissed it—was kinder tumblin down the winder in winrows turned lengthwise, one arter t'other, till the hull was grabbed up in one alfired swad, and ketched back in a great hook all of solid gold, that glistened like a lookin-glass frame when the fire light ketches it fair.
There wasn't but two chairs in the room, and they seemed tu be made out o' solid gold tu, stuffed down with shining silk figered off with posies redder than the winder silk, and yet kinder like it. There was a bench agin the winder, standin on chunks o' gold cut out like a lion's paw, and that tu was all cushioned off with shiny silk like the chairs, and on the back on it, right agin the wall, two pillars were stuck up, all kivered over with posies that looked good enough tu smell on. Right agin the door was the harnsomest consarn that I ever sot eyes on. It was a kind of a round table cut in tew in the middle, dressed up in white and ruffled off with harnsome lace, like a gal when she means tu cut a dash. A lookin glass stood on it sot in a gold frame work, curlecued off like a great vine, with the golden grapes a bustin out all over it, and sort a droppin down over the glass. I snum, if it wasn't a sight tu behold! There was a finefied gold watch about as big as a ninepence, a lyin on the table, and some leetle red morocco boxes, with a newfangled pitcher pictured off tu kill, chuck full of ginuine roses and green leaves, that looked as if they'd that minit cum off from the bushes.
There was one thing more a standin up in the corner that beat all I ever did see. It was an allfired overgrown candlestick a standin on legs, and eenamost as tall as I be. That tu, seemed to be of solid gold, curlecued off with little picters. On the top was a great golden sarser, and what chawed me up was a stream o' smoke that ris from the sarser, and kinder spread all over the room, jest enough to let a chap know that there was a fire somewhere about. Jest behind the whoppin candlestick was the figger of a critter, sort o' half bird and t'other half baby, the cunninest varmint that I ever did see. The wings grew out of his chubby shoulders, and the pesky little scamp seemed tu be a larfin at me through the smoke all the while that he made believe that he was a droppin somethin down intu the gold sarser. The critter was as white as a tomb stun; but if it hadn't kept still, I should eenamost thought it was alive. There I stood bendin for'ard, with my mouth kinder opened and old bell crown between both hands, a lookin at that little varmint, and there he was a'most winken at me, when somebody said,—
"Walk in Mr. Slick,—pray walk in!"
I gin a jump and dropped old bell crown, for it seemed tu me as if the flyin baby had spoke; but in stoopin tu pick up old bell crown agin, I kinder turned round; and there, on a bench cushioned off with silk, like the one I've told you on, sot the gal I'd seen at the theatre last night; but oh, get out! more than as harnsome agin. She was all dressed out in a white gown, that hung kinder slimsy from that purty neck, till it eenajest kivered the pesky leetle feet that lay on a footstool like two black squirrels asleep together. The cloth that her dress was made on, was so thin that I could a seen her arms through clean tu the wrist, if the sleeves hadn't been made so full, that every time she moved the hull arm got more than half unkivered. I swan, it made me ketch my breath, when she kinder half ris and reached out that are soft hand, a smilin all the time as if she was tickled eenajest tu death tu see me.
I gin her hand a leetle mechin shake, and turned round tu set down in one of the chairs, for I couldn't help but feel a trifle streaked amongst all that heap o' silk and gold. But before I was quite sot down she settled back aginst the pillar, and whilst she let one foot drop from the stool, she fixed t'other pillar agin the wall; and while she was a pattin the posies on it with her hand, she lifted them tarnal black eyes and gin me a smile that had more than the sweetness of a hull bilin of sugar in it; and there she sot with that hand kinder stuck intu the pillar yet.
Now, Par, you don't think I was shote enough tu set down in the big chair arter that, do you? I guess I wheeled round, about the quickest, and sot down so close by that harnsome critter, that I could feel her breath on my hair; and yit, I sot as fur off as I could, and close on the edge of the bench, but it was orfal short, and I had tu set close any how; but oh gauly, didn't my fingers tingle. There was that leetle hand, as soft and white as a snowball, a lyin among the posies worked on that pillar right behind me, and I hadn't but jest tu lean back, and that are arm would a been a'most round me. But there I sot, close on the edge, all in a flusterfication, fust a lookin at that are hand, then at her smilin face, and then agin at old bell crown, and so over agin. Arter I'd sot about a minit, I hitched back a trifle, and gin a kind o'skeery squint at her—she was eenajest larfin. With that, I gin another hitch, and looked right straight at old bell crown, as if I wanted tu eat it. The harnsome critter didn't seem tu rile up any, so I jest dropped bell crown, dived tu pick it up agin, and riz right up parpendicler agin the pillar. I could feel the leetle hand a movin on the pillar agin my back, like a chip squirrel in its nest; but think says I, you'r ketched this time, any how, and I guess you may as well lie still. With that, I turned my head sort of a slow, and larfed a leetle, jest enough tu show my teeth round the edges, and sez I,
"How do you du marm?"
Did you ever see a spring begin tu gurgle and shine up all tu once, when you've parted the peppermint that grows over it, and let in the broad daylight on the water? If you have, per'aps you have some idea how consarned harnsome the smile was that cum bustin all over that gal's face, a dimpling up them pesky red lips, and a dancin through them great black eyes. I could see the tantelizen critter a bitin them plump lips of hern, to keep from snickerin out in my face; so I put on a leetle extra grin myself, for I'm a hull team at larfin, and a hoss tu let, when I once begin. By-am-by, sez she, as well as she could git it out, sez she—
"I hope you enjoy yourself in town, Mr. Slick."
"I reckon I du jest now," sez I, "quite a considerable deal, and upwards."
With that she sort a smiled agin, and somehow that other leetle hand in her lap kinder crept along under the loose slimsey sleeve, as if it wanted tu get better acquainted with mine. My mudgrappler didn't object tu be introduced.
"It's orful pleasant weather, for time o'year," sez I, and my hand kinder crept along towards hern a mite.
"Very," sez she, a looking at the tall candlestick as soft as summer butter; "very."
"I also kinder like tu go into the woods in the fall, and see the trees a turnin all sorts o' colors, red and blue and yaller; and see the chesnuts, jest ripe enough tu drop from there prickly shucks, and hear the but'nuts a ratlin down tu the dry leaves. Oh, gauly! I wish you and I was there now, if it was ony jest tu watch the chip-munks and gray squirrels a carrying off the nuts in their mouths and fore paws. Did you ever see a harnsome black squirrel, with a shagbark between his whiskers, a hoppin among the trees, arter they're stript more'rn half naked by the frost?"
Then my fingers begun to travel agin like anything.
"Yes," sez she, "I love a pet squirrel dearly."
By this time my hand had got tu the eend of its journey and put up.
"Harnsome critters, aint they," sez I, a'most out o'breath, I was so skeared. "Captin Doolittle has got a rale sneezer down at the vessel, as black as git out, his tail curls up over his side like the feather in a gal's bonnet, and he's got an eye as bright and sharp as if it had been cut out o' yourn. I'll hook it from the old coot, cage and all, and bring it up tu you, if you've a notion tu it, consarn me if I don't."
"You're very kind," sez she.
"Oh, you git out!" sez I; "that aint a primin tu what I mean tu du, if you and I can only agree tu draw in the same tacklin. I aint mean as some chaps that I know on—nobody ever ketched me a halving a long nine, or askin a gal tu pay her own shot when she went a slayin with me—ask Captin Doolittle, if you don't believe me."
The critter looked up and kinder smiled agin so darned winnin, that I histed her hand tu my lips, and gin it a nibble afore I knew what I was about. She seemed tu try tu pull it away, and turned her head so that I couldn't see her face.
"You aint mad nor nothin?" sez I, a lettin go her hand. "I swan tu man, you looked so darned sweet I couldn't help it."
She got up and went tu the table that was dressed off so, and smelt of the posies on it, and then she cum back agin and sot down as good natured as a pussey cat; but she'd put me in such a tantrum, for fear I'd made her mad, that I didn't know what tu say next; so there I sot, a feelin streakeder and streakeder every minit; but arter a while I bust out agin—
"Speakin of the woods," sez I, "aint the maple trees harnsome? Did you ever see the leaves when they're jest a turnin red, a kinder tremblin on the limbs, as if every one on 'em was kinder afraid of fallin off? I've seen 'em over night as green as some of these country chaps when they fust come tu York; and then agin in the mornin, as red as your lips; and a'most as bright when the sun shines on 'em."