Dandy Dick, by A. W. Pinero

[Looking at Georgiana.] My sister! [To Sir Tristram.] I offer no opposition.

But not even our approaching family tie prevents my designating you as one of the most atrocious conspirators known in the history of the Turf.

Strychnine! Summon my devoted servant Blore, in whose presence the innocuous mixture was compounded. [Georgiana rings the bell. The girls hide behind the window curtains.] This analysis is simply the pardonable result of over-enthusiasm on the part of our local chemist.

You’re a disgrace to the pretty little police station where you slept last night!

I will prove that in the Deanery Stables the common laws of hospitality have never been transgressed. Give me the bowl! [Georgiana hands The Dean the basin from the table.] A simple remedy for a chill.

I, myself, am suffering from the exposure of last night. [Taking the remaining bolus and opening his mouth.] Observe me!

[Rushing forward, snatching the basin from The Dean and sinking on to his knees.] No, no! Don’t, don’t! You wouldn’t ’ang the holdest servant in the Deanery.

I did it! I ’ad a honest fancy for Bonny Betsy, and I wanted this gentleman’s ’orse out of the way. And while you was mixing the dose with the best ecclesiastical intentions, I hintroduced a foreign element.

The dear Dean had only Fifty Pounds to spare for sporting purposes, and I thought a gentleman of ’is ’igh standing ought to have a certainty.

I can conceal it no longer—I—I instructed this unworthy creature to back Dandy Dick on behalf of the Restoration Fund.

Oh, sir, thinking as you’d given some of the mixture to Dandy I put your cheerful little offering on to Bonny Betsy.

Oh! [To Blore.] I could have pardoned everything but this last act of disobedience. You are unworthy of the Deanery. Leave it for some ordinary household.

If I leave the Deanery, I shall give my reasons, and then what’ll folks think of you and me in our old age?

I must save you from intemperance at any cost. Remain in my service—a sad, sober and, above all, a silent man!

If you have sufficiently merged all sense of moral rectitude as to declare that I am not at home, do so.

No, no. Papa; we have accidentally discovered that you, our parent, have stooped to deception, if not to crime.

We are still young—the sooner, therefore, we are removed from any unfortunate influence the better.

[He goes out rapidly, followed by Salome and Sheba. Directly they have disappeared, Noah Topping, looking dishevelled, rushes in at the window, with Hannah clinging to him.

Theer’s been a man rescued from my lawful custody while my face was unofficially held downwards in the mud. The villain has been traced back to the Deanery.

You mustn’t bring your domestic affairs here; this is a subject for your own fireside of an evening.

I’m speaking to the man I took last night—the culprit as ’as allynated the affections of my wife.

[Salome and Tarver go into the Library and sit at the writing-table. Darbey sits in an arm-chair with Sheba on the arm.

[Mildly.] Do not let us chide a man who is conscientious even in error. [Looking at Hannah.] I think I see Hannah Evans, once an excellent cook under this very roof.

I’m Mrs. Topping now, sir—bride o’ the constable. And oh, do forgive him—he’s a mass o’ ignorance.

[To Hatcham.] Hatcham—[pointing to The Dean]—Is that the man you and the Constable secured in the stable last night?

Don’t trouble further. I withdraw unreservedly any charge against this unknown person found on my premises last night. I attribute to him the most innocent intentions. Hannah, you and your worthy husband will stay and dine in my kitchen. Good afternoon.

[Turning angrily to Hannah.] Now then, you don’t know a real gentleman when you see one. Why don’t ’ee thank the Dean warmly?

Happy! My family influence gone forever—my dignity crushed out of all recognition—the genial summer of the Deanery frosted by the winter of Deceit.

Ah, Gus, when once you lay the whip about the withers of the horse called Deception he takes the bit between his teeth, and only the devil can stop him—and he’d rather not. Shall I tell you who has been riding the horse hardest?

[Sheba sits at the piano and plays a bright air softly—Darbey standing behind her—Salome and Tarver stand in the archway.

[Slapping The Dean on the back.] Look here, Augustin, George Tidd will lend you that thousand for the poor, innocent old Spire.

On one condition—that you’ll admit there’s no harm in our laughing at a Sporting Dean.

Why, Jedd, there’s no harm in laughter, for those who laugh or those who are laughed at.

Provided always—firstly, that it is Folly that is laughed at and not Virtue; secondly, that it is our friends who laugh at us, [to the audience] as we hope they all will, for our pains.

Transcriber’s Note

This transcription is based on the scan images posted by The Internet Archive at:

archive.org/details/dandydickplayint00pinerich

In addition, when there was a question about the printed text, another edition posted by The Internet Archive was consulted:

archive.org/details/dandydickplayint00pineiala

The following changes were made to the text:

Throughout the text, dashes at the end of lines have been normalized.
Throughout the text, “and” in the character titles preceding dialogue has been italicized consistently and names in stage directions have been consistently either capitalized (in the text version) or set in small caps (in the html version).
In the Introductory Note, “St. Marvells” has an apostrophe, whereas in the text of the play it almost always does not. The inconsistency has been allowed to stand in the Introductory Note, but the apostrophe has been removed in the few instances in the text.
Pg. 25: “The Dean gives Darbey a severe look...”—A bracket has been added to the beginning of this line.
Pg. 91: “Sir Tristram, then enters quietly, smoking...”—The comma after “Sir Tristram” has been deleted.
Pg. 97: “No, Aunt, No!”—The second “No” has been changed to lower case.
Pg. 139: “Oh, what do you think of it. Mr. Darbey?”—The period after “it” has been changed to a comma.
Pg. 141: “We can’t shout here, go and cheer...”—The comma has been changed to a semicolon.
Pg. 142: “That’s Hatcham, I’ll raise his wages.”—The comma has been changed to a semicolon.
Pg. 143: “’aint” has been changed to “ain’t”.
Pg. 147: “...mutual esteem, last night...”—The comma has been changed to a semicolon.
Pg. 154: “I did it?” has been changed to “I did it!”

The html version of this etext attempts to reproduce the layout of the printed text. However, some concessions have been made, particularly in the handling of stage directions enclosed by brackets on at least one side. (Entrances were usually without brackets.) In general, the stage directions were typeset in the printed text as follows:

Before and within dialogue.
Flush right, on the same line as the end of dialogue if there was enough space; on the next line, if there was not.
If the stage directions were two lines, they were indented from the left margin as hanging paragraphs. How much the stage directions were indented varied.

In the etext, all stage directions not before or within dialogue are placed on the next line, indented the same amount from the left margin, and coded as hanging paragraphs.