XX.

JOSH REPLIZE TEW CORRESPONDENTS.

Mastiff.—I kant tell yu the best kind ov a dogg tew buy; but for a man of limited means, i think the wodden dogg iz the most cheapest. They are the less liabel tew git out ov repare, and ain't awl the time following folks oph. They kant wag their tales, but that kan be remydied by having them made without enny. They are not apt tew be noizy in the night; but if yu want one tew frighten away the robbers, awl yu hav got tew dew iz tew hav one made with the bark on.

Walton.—Yu are right about it; the bull-head aint a game fish, although they die hard. I kant giv yu enny posatiff rule to be a game fisher. Pashunce iz a good thing tew hav. I would advise yu to practiss, for the fust year, in a tan vat, with a leather line, and a skillet handle for a fish hook; yu may not ketch mutch fish, but yu will learn how tew twitch butifully.

Davenport.—I beleave in the doktrin ov spiritualism—that iz, i beleave it iz a smart doktrin. A man haz tew hav a United States juggler's license now before he kan beleave in the doktrin. I beleave in raps on the table, but when i hear them cum pretty loud and fast i make up mi mind that sumboddy iz gitting badly eukered. I don't rekolekt ov but one communikashun between spirits that iz menshuned in the Bible, and that took place between Lazarus and another gentleman. It iz pleasant to know that one ov these spirits waz a pure one, and that he had awl the advantage (ov the other gentleman) in the argument, and in the posishun.

Eazell.—I kant tell yu who painted the Greek Slave; she aint on exhibishun. They are gitting the fine arts almost perfeck now-a-days. One feller in Pittsburg haz painted a sorrell hors so perfekly that the hair awl cum oph from the hors. And another fellar haz just finished a Durham cow that he had salted down last fall for family use. And another artiss haz got a Nufoundland pupp in hiz studio reddy—that he haz bin offered 10 dollars for bi the owner, and no questions asked.

Parent.—I kant tell yu the best way tew bring up a boy; but, if i had one that didn't lie well enuff tew suit me, i think now i would set him tew tending a dri goods store. Probably, one ov the best ways to bring up a boy in the way he should go, iz tew travel that woy ourselfs, once in a while. Still thare aint no sure thing; I have seen them brought up az kerful az a lappdog, and then go tew the devil jist az soon az they could strike the right track. And then agin, i hav saw them cum out ov sumboddy's gutter and wash up like a dimond. Raising boys iz a good deal like raising colts; if yu don't git more than one out ov ten that iz a fast one, yu are dewing fust rate. A grate menny men hanker for a boy tew transmit their reputashun to! i konsider this about az risky az the hen's egg bizzness; thare iz always sum chances agin it—one iz, that the eggs may be spilte before they start for market, and another iz, they may git busted in carrying.

XXI.

LIST OF HOUSEN TEW LET.

FURNISHED AND UNFURNISHED.

BI * * * * *.

Real Estate Agent and Property Broker.

Number One—Gothick cottage, (with chimbleys, and windo blinds attached,) and water, (in the suller,) lokated for the present on the south-east angle ov Soap and Myrtle streets; house kontains a bay windo; would suit a lawyer or a blacksmith. Rent, for the summer months, (including the good will ov the naberhood,) $4,500. No children and doggs aloud on the premises. Cards, tew view the hous, kan be obtained ov the agent (admitting a gentleman and 2 ladys) for the trifling sum ov 5 dollars. N.B.—This hous waz taken yesterday, and customers are forbid tew bother the agent bi inquiring about it.

Number Two—Will be tew rent in a fu daze; the hous iz being put in perfeck order bi being whitewashed, and the floor sprinkled with sum sand. This hous is a cross ov the Ionian & Dorick style, waz built when lumber waz skarse, and iz almitey hard finished throughout, rat-holes awl plugged up, and a bottle ov bed bugg pizen, neatly labeled, and hung up in each room. To a tenant who kan bring testimony, and a good pedigree, this hous would be leased for a term ov 30 or 40 years, for about 2,500 hundred dollars a year, the tenant tew pay the taxes, and remove the mortgages now on the premises, and put in the gass, and git the hous insured for 6,000 dollars, and assign the polisy tew the agent az collatteral security for the faithful performanse ov the kontrakt. N.B.—If thare iz enny things else that i hav forgot tew menshun about the terms, the tenant kan hav them inserted, when the papers are drawed up, without extra charge.

Number Three—Iz kompletely furnished with gass fixtures and meether, and ile cloth in the front hall, and pegs in the closets, and back verandy. This delightful property iz now occupied bi a phisician, ("whose sands ov life hav about run out,") and sum ov the rent would be took in boarding the phisician ("whose sand iz about run thru,") and hiz wife, and wife's oldest sister, and her unkle, and the 9 children, who are awl lite eaters, havin bin kept for the laste 6 months on sperm kandle soup. Tew a tenant who could loan the phisician $1,500 or two thousand dollars, and take a first mortgage on the furniture in the hous, a liberal rent would be named, payable quarterly in advanse. P.S.—fust cum, fust git.

Number Four—Iz the property ov a two-millionaire, who iz about going tew Urope with hiz entire family, tew spend sum munny. This hous haz one ov Chickering's 10 oktave, iron-frame, overstrung bass, rosewood, round kornered, pearl keyed, pianners, built expressly for the owner bi Mr. Chickering himself, after the design ov the pantheon in Rome, (Italy,) and also haz a hole cut thru the roof, from which the North star kan be distinktly seen with the naked eye. Rent iz no objeck—tew a small family ov one or two persons, this hous could be had, if applied for within 2 daze, at the nominal prise ov 20,000 dollars a month, reckoning 26 working days tew the month.

Also—A superb hoss ov a black culler, warranted 16 hands hi, ov grate enduranse, tew stand without tieing, and kan trot in 2:53; would make a good card for a hearse hoss.

XXII.

LAUGHING.

It never haz been proved, that enny ov the animal kreation hav attempted tew laff, (we are quite certain that none hav succeded;) thus this deliteful episode and pleasant power appears tew be entirely within the province ov humans. It iz the language ov infancy—the eloquense ov childhood,—and the power tew laff is the power to be happy. It is becoming tew awl ages and conditions; and (with the very few exceptions, sakred tew sorrow) an honest, hearty laff iz always agreeable and in order. It iz an index ov karakter, and betrays sooner than words.—Laffing keeps oph sickness, and haz conquered az menny diseases az ever pills have, and at mutch less expense.—It makes flesh, and keeps it in its place.—It drives away weariness and brings a dream ov sweetness tew the sleeper.—It never iz covetous.—It ackompanys charity, and iz the handmaid ov honesty.—It disarms revenge, humbles pride, and iz the talisman ov kontentment.—Sum have kalled it a weakness—a substitute for thought, but really it strengthens wit, and adorns wisdum, invigorates the mind, gives language ease, and expreshun elegance.—It holds the mirror up tew beauty; it strengthens modesty, and makes virtue heavenly. It iz the light ov life; without it we should be but animated ghosts. It challenges fear, hides sorrow, weakens despair, and carries haff ov poverty's bundles.—It costs nothing, comes at the call, and leaves a brite spot behind.—It iz the only index ov gladness, and the only buty that time kannot effase.—It never grows old; it reaches from the cradle clear tew the grave. Without it, love would be no pashun, and fruition would show no joy.—It iz the fust and the last sunshine that visits the heart; it was the warm welkum ov Eden's lovers, and was the only capital that sin left them tew begin bizzness with outside the Garden ov Pardise.

XXIII.

LYING.

As easy az it iz to lie, I am astonished that thare are so few engaged in the bizzness, and that so few fust-rate lies are ever told.

I am not prepared to say how mutch real sin thare iz in what iz kalled a light-colored lie, that haz no maliss or evil result in it, but I have alwus notised that the heft ov mankind love to excel in awl they undertake, and I can't tell how long a man would be willing to tell white lies for fun when he might be turning an honest penny for himself by telling black ones.

Men don't generally bekum drunkards by confinning themselfs stricktly tew sweet sider.

Lieing is the lowest grade of sin,—it is more cowardly than stealing, bekause thare is less risk in it—it is more demoralising than burglary, bekause there is no cure for it,—it is more dangerous than swareing, bekause swareing don't hurt enny boddy else,—it waz the fust sin committed, bekause it was the easiest and most natral, and it will probably be the last one committed, bekause no man ever gits so poor and degraded but what he kan tell quite a respectabel lie.

Lieing is said tew be constitushionall in sum folks,—so is the itch constitushionall, because folks hang around whare it is, and won't doktor for it after they git caught by it.

Finally—I might as well own it—I hav told a few very fair lies myself, but i kant reckollect ov one that I feel proud ov now.

XXIV.

PERKUSSION CAPS.

I hold that a man has jist as mutch rite tew spel a word as it is pronounsed, as he has tew pronounse it the way it aint spelt.

Sticking up our nose don't prove enny thing, for the most sensitiff person in the world, when he is away from his kittles, is a bone biler.

But fu sights, in this life, are more sublime and pathetick, than tew see a poor, but virtuous yung man, full ov christian fortitude, struggling with a mustatch.

Common sense is most ginnerally dispised bi those who haint got it.

If I was asked which was the best way, in these days ov temptashun, tew bring up a boy, i should say—bring him up the back way.

It don't require enny edukashun tew tell the truth, but tew lie well dus.

We are told "that an honest man is the noblest work ov God"—but the demand for the work has been so limited, that i hav thought a large share ov the fust edishun must still be in the author's hands.

Men don't seem never tew git tired ov talking about themselfs, but i hav heard them when i thought they showed signs ov weekness.

If yu would make yurself agreeable, wherever yu go, listen tew the grivences ov others, but never relate yure own.

Sum folks are always trieing tew see thru a millstone edgeways, when, if they would only turn it over on the flat side, they could look rite thru the hole.

Buty is like a ranebow—full ov promis, but short lived.

It aint best tu swop with yure relashuns, unless yu kan afford tew giv them the butt end ov the trade.

Amung the blu laws ov Konnekticut, (which are now obsolute,) are this—"No man shall chaw turbakker on Sunday, unless he swallers the spit."

Also, "No yung woman shal hav a rite tew git marrid, who kant make a donut that will keep at least one year, without loseing its twist."

I beleave in the universal salvashun ov men, but I want tew pick the men.

I beleave in suggar coated pills.—I also beleave that virtue and wisdum kan be smuggled into a man's soul bi a good natured proverb, better and deeper than tew be mortised into it with a wormwood mallet and chissell.

The pure don't gro old enny more than a mountain spring dus.

I don't think thare is enny rule for long life. I hav known men tew die before they was 40, from the effek ov a vegatabel diet, and i hav known others tew liv 75 years on salt pork and sider brandy, and then quit the pork on akount ov their helths, and live 15 years longer on the sider brandy alone.

"Give me liberty, or giv me deth"—but ov the 2 I prefer the liberty.

As in a game ov cards, so in the game ov life, we must play what is dealt tew us, and the glory consists, not so mutch in winning, as in playing a poor hand well.

The time tew pray is not when we are in a tight spot, but jist as soon as we git out ov it.

"The Lord tempers the wind to the shorn lamb," but it is man's bissiness tew see that he don't shear the lamb tew cluss.

XXV.

ONE WEEK FROM MY DIAREE.

Monday.—Had suckers for breakfast. Suckers and sussagis are the 2 luxuries ov life; the other luxury iz eazy boots. Answered several letters ov grate moment.

Tuesday.—Awoke with a splendid headache, cauzed by drinking tew much spring water the evening previously, and going tew bed at 9 o'clock precisely. Breakfasted on the butt end ov a sassige; felt like a dogg. Sett down in my little chamber for reflekshun, and reflekted as follers:

Rekolekted ov hearing a man, on the levee, in Saint Lewis, once say "that the steambote Perary Flower drew less water than any bote an the Missouri." I asked him, "how little she could draw?" After changing sides with hiz chaw ov tobacco, he calmly said, "About 2 barrels." I reflekted what a phool this man made ov himself, and ov me too.

Wednesday.—Rekolekted ov asking a man in Minnysota, if beans waz a sure krop in hiz parts. He sed "they waz az certain az a revolver." Reflekted upon the danger ov carrying concealed weapons.

Rekolekted again ov being in Nu Hampshire, during a severe sno storm, and innocently enuff remarked, "that i never see ennything like it," and waz told by one ov the bar-room boarders, "that it want nothing, that he had seen it fall over a thousand feet." "What," sed i, "a thousand feet on the level?" "No," said he, "but a thousand feet from on high." I reflekted how eazy it waz for sum folks tew lie, and tell the truth at the same time.

Thursday.—Rekolekted once more ov being on the Red River, in Arkansaw, and seeing a large piece ov frame-work, by the side ov the road; enquired ov a private citizen, who was leading a blind mule by one ov hiz ears, "what the frame-work mought be?" He sed, "it was a blind fiddle, and it took three yoke ov oxen tew draw the bow, and they had tew haw and gee tew change the tune." Reflekted on that passidge in the poeck, which sez "man is fearfully and wonderfully made;" and thought the remark might apply tew fiddles in Arkansaw, without spileing the remark.

Friday.—Visited mi washwoman, and blowed her up, for sewing ruffles and tucks onto the bottom ov mi drawers.

Josh Billings, upon remonstrating with his washerwoman for sewing tucks onto the bottom of his drawers, is told that the clothes have only been mixed.—See page 93.

She was thunderstruck at fust, but explained the mystery by saying, "she had sent me a pair, by mistake, that belonged to* * * *;" I blushed like a biled lobster, and told her she couldn't be too keerful about such things; i might hav bin ruined for life.

Saturday.—Wrote this diaree for the week, from memory, and am satisfied i hav got a good memory. Reflekted upon the vanity ov human wishes, reflekted how often i had wished tew be ritch, and how seldum mi wishes had bin gratified. Resolved, in the futur, not tew wish for ennything until i had it 3 weeks, and see how i liked it.

Saturday Night, haf past 10.—Dispensed with a new born critick who had tried hard tew be severe on my Book ov Sayings, thusly:—Dear Sir, I have red yure kriticism on mi book, and muss say, it don't cum haf way up tew mi expectations. Yu seem tew hav in a big degree one essenshall for a bull critick, that is a grate willingness tew damn, but yu lack entirely another ingredient which is awl important: yu don't know how tew bild a dam. Upon the whole, i am forced tew admit, that you are a poor damn crittick.

Yure Lover,

Josh Billings.

XXVI.

AMERIKAN ARISTOKRASY.

VIEWED BY JOSH BILLINGS.

Political ekonomists hav defined an aristokrasy as a power or government in which a privileged few hold dominyun.

I am not aware that sich a government exists, in a pure form, at the present day among the nashuns ov the earth.

But we kant be mistaken in the fackt that even in our own Republick thare are menny kandidates who would luv to participate in the peculiar privileges ov an aristokrasy.

We hav divided Amerikan Aristokrasy (jist for fun) into 3 piles—the moneyed, the mackrel, and the pedigree aristokrats.

Not having much time tew spare, we pitch into them a good deal as follers:

The moneyed aristokrats are like certain fine coated animals, worth just what their hides will bring.

The mackrels are remarkable for their numbers and the small kapital they dew bizziness on; and while arrayed in their false dignity, and straining hard tew cheat us in awl things, are like a drunken man trieing tew walk a krack.

The pedigrees hav mutch innosense and little courage. Content with the glory ov their ancestors, they are satisfied in holding under our noses a grandfather's fossils, and fondly beleaf that the bones make them smell ov greatness.

Finally, trieing tew be a fust klass aristokrat in America, just yet, appears tew us tew be almost as flattring an enterprise as climbing a greased pole. Thare is great doubt about our being able tew reach the top, and if we dew succeed (and don't pull the pole up after us) we will soon hav the mortifikashun ov seeing some other sheumaker climbing up the same pole.

Moral—Don't be an aristokrat if you kan help it.

XXVII.

LOVE.

The only natural feeling the young heart possesses is love. It is the first good thing the heart dus, and in after life it is often the only good thing it dus.

Thare is no posatif virtue in love, and yet it may be the result ov the holyest ov virtues.

But thare is, in this life, a vast deal ov Pontoon love, that has no more virtue in it than wooden nutmegs hav.

Thare is, "Love undying," that generally lives about as long as uncorked ginger pop dus.

Thare is "Love Untold," which is alwus told tew ennyboddy who will listen to it, and is as full ov pathos as a pork and beans nightmare.

And thare is "Love at sight," to which I will add Love for 90 days.

These are sum ov the different kinds ov love that are denominated pashun, and form much ov the trading capital that lovers do bissness on.

There is not much sin in these different styles ov love; they don't seem tew git up tew the dignity ov sin; thare is deception in them without doubt; but the deception is like Costar's celebrated Rat Exterminator, it won't hurt ennyboddy else but the rats.

I am not prepared to say that I would like to see these things dun away with, for sumthing wuss might spring up in the place ov them; they seem tew be necessary in carrying on a trade in which judgment has to yield to fancy, and fancy is too often forced to yield to nonsense.

If we could (enny ov us) have our old courtship written out and given to us for perusal, we should probably look upon it as we would upon a Chinese comick almanick, unable tew understand the pikturs and satisfied that the astronomical calculations were never designed for our latitude.

XXVIII.

THE GAME OF YEWKER.

This ill-bred game ov kards is about 27 years old.

It was fust diskovered by the deck hands on a lake Erie steam Boat, and handed down by them tew posterity in awl its juvenile beauty.

It is generally played by 4 persons and owes mutch ov its absorbingness tew the fackt that yu kan talk, and drink, and chaw, and cheat while the game is advancing.

I have seen it played on the Hudson River Railroad, in the smoking cars, with more immaculate skill than ennywhare else.

If yu play thare, yu will often hold a hand that will astonish you, quite often 4 queens and a 10 spot, which will inflame you to bate 7 or 8 dollars that it is a good hand tew play poker with; but you will be more astonished when you see the other feller's hand, which invariably consists ov 4 kings and a one spot.

Yewker is a mollatto game, and don't compare tew old sledge in majesty, enny more than the game ov pin does to a square church raffle.

I never play yewker.

I never would learn how, out ov principle.

I was originally created cluss to the Connektikut line, in Nu England, whare the game ov 7 up, or old sledge, was born, and exists now in awl its pristine virginity.

I play old sledge, tew this day, in its natiff fierceness.

But I won't play enny game, if I know my charakter, whare a jack will take an ace, and a ten spot won't count game.

I won't play no such kind ov a game, out ov respekt to old Connekticut, mi natiff place.

XXIX.

NOW AND THEN.

In anshunt days, men, after konsidering an enterprise, proceeded with energee tew execute it; now they shut up one eye, and "pitch in."

In old times, if their judgment sanctioned, they considered the chances; now, they "let her rip."

Then, they drank moderately ov water and brandy; now, they smile aquafortiss, and suk sweet scented turpentine, thru a quill.

Then, if circumstancis made it imperativ, they closed their bissiness, by affekting an honarabil compromise; now, they "cave in," "squeal," or "absquat."

Then, kontrary opinyuns were okassionally supported with reasonabel wagers; now, every man "bets his pile," or "bottom Dollar."

Then, they went a mile in forti-two, with an easy rein; now, in 2 forti, under a strong pull.

Then, most familys held from 6 to 10 healthy children, within its hallowed sirkle a radiant mother, and a stalwart sire; now, too oftin a puny father, with unsertin knees, a romantik madame, with a pale lily at her breast, a wet nuss, 2 Bridgits and a kennel ov sore eyed pups.

Then, they went tew meeting, to hear a docktrin sermon, and be humbell before God; now, they flaunt into holy palaces, and pay out fortunes every year, to lounge on velvet, and hear the Bible amateured, by a daintee gentleman, who handles their sins as he would a sleeping infant.

Then, our halls ov legislatur were filled with honest patriots; now, with clever bandits, whose courtesys dwell upon the tips ov buoyknives, and whose eloquence and arguments are couchant in the chambers ov deadly revolvers.

Then, we had youths apprenticed to a honest calling, whose indenters were diplomas; now, pale young gentlemen, emulous ov fisick, or the law, who are pendant to the perlews ov the courts and colleges, watching for the falling ov a crumb.

Then, we had maidens until they had bin looked upon bi at least 20 summers, and were modest enuff tew pick out a husband from a skore ov earenst and honest men, whoze very eyes had the promis ov bread in them; now, 15 summers make a woman, (or what we are obliged tew take for one,) and one so ripe too, that he who fust shakes the bush, gits the eager fruit.

Then, our literatur and learning waz drawn from sound philosophee, or quaint proverbs ov sense, and the fu books that prevailed was good; now, evryboddy writes a book, and evry phool reads it; learning is sterotiped, and wisdom iz only 12 shillings a vollume.

Then, industry kreated wants, virtew tempered them, and frugality supplied them; now, luxury haz taken the plase ov industry, pride the plase ov virtew, and extravaganse the plase ov frugality.

Then, men ware solisituss about their karakters; now, about their pedigrees.

Then, they found health at hum; now, they hunt for it bi travell.

Finally—if our Grand Pops should cum among us, with the plans and precepts ov a hundred years ago, we, in our impudence and wickedness, would be caught laffing at them, while they, in virtuous sorrow, would be in tears over us, and thus would be enakted the scenes which alwus ensews when fools and sages meet.

XXX.

OATS.

Munny has dun one thing fur the world that no thing else could hav did so well—it has developed the phools.

The best kind ov advice fur me tew foller is this: "Pay tew the order ov Josh Billings 50 dollars and charge mi akount—John Burch." I had rather hav 10 Dollars ov this kind ov advice than six hundred in Christian consolashun; there is more sassage in it.

Although mankind worship wealth, I will give them credit fur one thing—they seldom mistake it fur brains.

Most aul the grate things hav bin did by taking the chances. Prudence has but one eye, while fortune has a thousand.

If a man has 2 stummuks and 2 outsides, thare might be sum excuse fur adding 10 thousand dollars more each year tew his pile.

I don't read enny boddy else's poetry but Homer's, upon the same principle that i alwus drink, when it is just as handy, out ov a spring, instead ov the outlet.

Treason is one ov them kind ov stains that wash well.

If a man has got tew be poor aul his life, I aint sure but it would be sum munny in his pocket tew be ignorant.

Fust class virtu is alwus anxus tew avoid temptashun.

Yu kant transplant a Yaukee suckcessfully without taking up a good deal ov the sile with the roots.

Originality in writing is as diffikult as gitting a fishpole by the side ov a trout brook—aul the good poles hav bin cut long ago.

It is easy enuff tew git religion, but tew hold it is what bothers a fellow. A good grip is better than rubis—yea! than mutch fine cotten cloth.

I enjoy a good laff—one that rushes out ov a man's soul like the breaking up ov a Sunday school; but a laff that cums tew the surface, as the hickucks cum, or backs out ov a man, like the struggles ov a chicken choked with a chunk ov haff wet dough, i utterly lament.

Thare aint no poetry in poverty, but enny number ov feet ov blank verse.

When a fellow knows he is being stared at, it makes him act as unnatral as though he wos setting fur his picktur.

I am called a "broad humorist," and i am glad ov it: thare is plenty ov narrow humorists in the country without me.

Enny man who will kompell a woman tew make a shirt fur 20 cents, ought tew be filled full ov fish-hooks and be used for bait tew ketch other sharks with.

Silence is one ov the negativ virtews.

XXXI.

WATERFALLS.

I rather like waterfalls.

I kant tell why, enny more than I kan tell why I love kastor ile—but kastor ile is good for a lazyness in the system.

I don't like laziness ov no sort—not even in muskeeters.

I want my muskeeters lively.

But aul this iz foreign tew mi purposs.

I like waterfalls—they are so eazy and natural.

They attack all the sex.

Some they attack with grate fury, while others they approach more like a siege, working up slowly.

I saw one yesterday.

It want no bigger than a small French turnup.

It had attaked a small woman ov only 9 summers duration.

She waz full ov recreation, and when she bounded along the sidewalk the waterfall highsted up and down in an ossillating manner, resembling mutch the sportive terminus ov a bob-tailed lamb, in a grate hurry.

The effeck was purely eclectick.

I also saw another one pretty soon, which belonged tew a mature matron.

She might hav saw 75 summers; her hair waz white az flour (Perkins "A," worth 15 dollars a barrell, delivered); but the waterfall was black.

I asked a bystander how he could account for that.

He said "it waz younger."

I also saw another one pretty soon, which waz the property ov a gusher.

She was about 19 years old, and waz az ripe az a 2 year peach.

She swept the streets like a thing of life.

Men stopped to gaze az she pazsed, and put in a new chew ov tobacco.

Little boys pocketed their marbles in silence.

Her waterfall waz about the size ov a corn-basket turned inside out.

It waz inklozed in a common skap net, and kivered with blazing dimonds ov glass.

It shone in the frisky sun like the tin dome on the Court House, whare the supervizors meet.

But i rather like waterfalls.

It haz bin sed that they would run out, but this i think iz a error, for they don't show no leak yet.

In the language of the expiring Canadian, on our northern frontier, I say—"Vive la Bag-a-tale."

XXXII.

POLITENESS.

I hav looked into the philosophy ov politeness, with grate fierceness, and see the thing in the followin light:

Ginowine politeness is a nice mixture ov vanity and good natur, invigerated bi virtue, and chastened bi policy.

It will take a man along slikly, whose money and impudence, and even religion, singly, would git stuck.

Nobody can stand, without quailing, before a broadside ov ginowine politeness; it will make even a Pawnee Injun grow limber.

It mite not save a man from gitting kicked bi a mule, but it would save him from gitting near enuff tew git kicked.

Thare is one other compound in ginowine perliteness, which gives it terrifick force, and that is deference.

Deference will win oftener than double sixes.

If you want tew beat a man out ov his opinyun, let him hav his own way till you cum tew the forks in the road, then you kan take him jist which road you please.

I am not prepared tew call deference always a virtue, bekause it may exist, and only be an art, or stratagem.

If it is natural, it quite often degenerates into servility, and if artifishall, it merges into fraud, or cunning. Love without deference, is nothing more than a raid.

The deference that exists between equals, (altho pleasant tew look upon,) is not alwus flatterin tew think about; lions are necessarily polite tew each other, but when lions bekum polite tew the lams, then will deference reveal its true sublimity.

Thare is 2 kinds of politeness, the ripe, and the too mutch ripe politeness; a goose has a grate deal ov this last kind ov politeness; i have seen them lower their heds while going into a barn door, that was 18 foot high.

Josh Billings.

XXXIII.

DREAMS.

If yu are handsum, cultivate yure boots; if yu are hoamly, hoe yure branes.

"Shut Nu Ingland out in the cold!"—i should as soon think ov shutting the cold out ov Nu England.

I luv tu meet an old feller ov 70 on the rode, hanging on tu a pare ov trotters. Old fellers! don't give up yure pull, till yure obliged tew.

Thare ain't mutch virgin virtchew in this world; it is purty mutch aul Magdalen.

The trew province ov economy is tu see how mutch munny we kan liv the clussest on.

The sudden ritch quite often find themselfs in the same ficks that mullatters are—just above what they started from, and just belo what they started for.

He who draws his experience from the past iz alwus a man, and he who draws his experience from the futur iz always a child.

If yu kant git good clothes and eddicashun too, git the clothes.

Say "How are ye" tew everyboddy.

If yu argy, alwus git beet.

XXXIV.

JOSH CORRESPONDS.

Jenkins—Yure letter is full ov very foolish questions, but sum ov them are worth answering.

I kant tell whether dogs are born with a bob-tail on them, or whether they ain't, but i am inclined tew think they am.

I think they am, bekause I never see enny dogs' tails laying around loose, without enny dog to them.

But thare is one thing that bothers me too, and that is, i kant see why it aint just as easy for a dog tew be born with a whole tail on him as with a bob piece, when he is about it; still, if the dog has got tew be skant sumwhare, perhaps it is good judgment tew take it oph on the longest end.

The more we sarch these things, Jenkins, the more curerisser they am.

Natur don't dew ennything without sum good reason of her own. If she raises a bob-tailed dog, she don't dew it for fun, but for the dog's welfair; perhaps the dog, if he had bin borned with a whole tail, might hav had it bit oph by a sheep or sumthing.

So yu see, Jenkins, thare is figureing in aul these things.

As i told yu in mi last letter, you must study natur and wisdum more, and then yu won't hav tew ask so menny phoolish questions.

A bob-tailed dog aint half so apt tew hav the tiphus fever as a long-tailed dog is—this stands tew reason.

A long-tailed dog kan wag more than a bob-tailed dog kan; but wagging ov aul kinds, is about played out.

If i should ever git able tew keep a dog, i should selekt a bob-tailed one, for two reasons. One is, yu git more dog and less tail; and the other is, thare aint no good place for the boys tew hitch a tin pail onto them behind.

I had rather have one bob-tailed dog, if he was ever so small, than tew hav six long-tailed ones, if they was ever so big. I might not be so ritch, but i could invest the other 5 dogs in bank stock, which would be better than nothing.

Thare is one thing, Jenkins, yu, nor no other man ever see, with the naked eye, and that is a long-tailed dog that didn't hav fleas on him.

If yu want to hang up a dog by the tail, I am reddy tew allow that the long-tailed ones are the handyest—but the best way, ennyhow, to hang a dog, is by the neck.

In my next letter tew yu I will tell yu sum more news about dogs, but in the mean time yu must prop yure eyes open, and keep up a devil ov a thinking, and wisdum, by-and-by, will cum and sit on yu, and tell yu awl about it, which ov the two is the most necessary, the bob, or the long-tailed dog.

That part ov yure letter, in which yu ask me about Herring, iz full ov very young and half-biled questions, sum ov which are tew easy tew spend enny time answering; but thare is sum ov them more tuff, which I may as well split up for yu now as enny time.

Herring is a small fish that lives in schools. They are used as vittles, and resemble, very mutch, when they are cooked, a paper ov stewed pins. They are cooked by being tanned in the smoke, and then are et raw. They are generally served up with crackers and water. Crackers and herring are as free from moisture as Daball's arithmetick, and will keep without spileing, as long as the rule ov 3.

They are handy tew eat; you kan eat them on a run, or not, just as yu hav a mind to.

Thare is one thing very awful about a herring; they hav got but one bowell, and that is about the sise ov a chalk line when it is stretched tight; this gives their stummuks a penurious look.

Bones is what a herring has the most ov; they are as full ov bone as a rat's tail.

Yu ask me, "if the herrin and sturgin are the same fish?" This question beats enny one i ever heard ov its sise; a child 2 hours old knows better than that.

Jenkins, yu will either hav tew be born agin, or else pull oph yure shoes and run out tew grass one summer, before yu will kno mutch.

Nimrod—I will write yu more at length after sheep-shearing, and will merely suggest now that yu hav got rong noshuns about mankind in general. Mankind in general is as oncertin as a wasp's nest, and wants as mutch cluss watching as a mule's hind legg.

I hav got so poor an opinion ov mankind in general (as far as i hav got) that if i was in a destitute condishun i would rather trust tew mi luck than tew my virtue for sunbeams.

In relation tew that chunk ov skripture which yu ask me about, "Be yee as wise as a sarpient, but harmless as a deer," don't mistake it for a dose of catnip tea or herb drink; it warn't meant for a weak prescription; it is a kind ov iron-klad missionary ship, and means sharp work, on the sly.

Yure idee about the friendship ov the world is 4 miles tew leeward ov the channel; friendship is like the magnetic needle, thare is certin causes that will make it vary sideways sumtimes, but when it settles down tew stiddy work it alwus pints tew the pole—and the fellow that owns the needle owns the pole.

And as for human happiness, Nimrod, don't hunt for it, and yu may acksidentally cum across sum ov it. Hunting happiness is a good deal like hunting crows; when yu haint got yure gun with yu, yu kan alwas git a grate deal nearer tew the crows.

XXXV.

NUZE CUTS FROM OUR EXCHANGES.

The "Shanghi Dispatch" advertises for "a Devil, not over 14 years ov good moral karacter.—References exchanged.—The young Devil will be expekted tew board with his father, espeshily during the cold weather."

The "Nevada Brick" says, "thare will be a total eklips of the moon, next month, visibel with the naked eye, only tew the subskribers ov the "Brick." Send in your subskriptions for the year at onst."

The "Mock Turtle Bulletin" learns "that onions in his lokality won't be more than half a crop, owing tew the number ov akers sewed, and the small size of the seed," and advises hiz patrons "tew lay in their assyfedity now, for the winter, while it iz low."

The "Mohunk Ledger" "highsts the name ov John tyler, solitary and alone, for the next president, and gives hiz reasons."—(We doubt the polisy of this nominashun, for he haz bin run into the ground onse already.)

The "Mutton Hollow Day Book & People's Register" thus reports the acksident, ov a moral karacter, on the Peuterville railroad. "The konduktor ov the 10.15 train going east, when he got tew the end ov his route, had 19 dollars he couldn't account for. This iz the fust acksident ov the kind, ever diskovered on the road, and we kan assure the traveling publik, will probably be the last."

The "Reedsburgh Journal" "learns from good authority, that the wife ov a laborer, in that vicinity, gave birth tew six fine healthy children," and then adds, "but not awl tew onst."

The "Olive Branch" a black republikan sheet, sez, "the grasshoppers, having et up everything green thing in our naberhood, hav pitched onto things blue, sech az whetstones, and demokrats, and are dieing oph bi the thousands, in consequentz."

The "Oakville Banner" don't beleave in the above akount, and adds, "the fackt that the editor of the "Olive Branch" still lives, iz proof enuff that the green things aint all destroyed yet."

In the colums of the "Weekly Bred" of date Oct. 16, we see it announced, that "the sorrel Hen ov deakon Abijeir Phillips lade an egg which weighed, after it waz kold, 7 pounds with an affidavit tew it, before Square Sturgiss, justis of peace." And then the editor goes on to say, "the hen haz bin dewing better ever sinse."—(We should think it would be hard work for her tew do mutch better.)

The "Monthly Reckord" learns, thru her country correspondent, "that the maple sugar krop will be bigger next year, than for the last 90 years, and that we shall have a dreadful hard winter, for the geese are getting reddy; he never knu them so tuff tew bile, as they are this fall."

The "Perary Flower" cums tew us with a long and Abel artikle on punkin pize. The editor sez, "he waz early from konnekticut, and waz born on punkin pi, and would be willing tew die on them almost, with nutmeg in them. He remembers distinktly, how hiz grate grandmother used tew mix them up, and how he used tew dip into the mix, on the sli." He further winds up bi saying, "that it iz az natural for a yankee tew stand on a punkin pi, az it iz for a setter dorg tew sett on a woodcock, or a Frenchman tew point on a frog's hind legs." (I agree with this feller fully; i waz onse from Nu England myself, and punkin pize waz the fust real sass ov mi boyhood, and at this late time ov day, seems to be the principle swivel in the chain, that binds me tew the land whare basswood punkin seeds, and wooden nutmegs, are grown only for exportation.)