Andel. Faith, father, what pleasure have you met by walking your stations?
Fort. What pleasure, boy? I have revelled with kings, danced with queens, dallied with ladies, worn strange attires, seen fantasticos, conversed with humorists, been ravished with divine raptures of Doric, Lydian and Phrygian harmonies. I have spent the day in triumphs, and the night in banqueting.
Andel. Oh rare: this was heavenly.
Shad. Methinks ’twas horrible.
Andel. He that would not be an Arabian phœnix to burn in these sweet fires, let him live like an owl for the world to wonder at.
Amp. Why, brother, are not all these vanities?
Fort. Vanities? Ampedo, thy soul is made of lead, too dull, too ponderous to mount up to the incomprehensible glory that travel lifts men to.
Shad. My old master’s soul is cork and feathers, and being so light doth easily mount up.
Andel. Sweeten mine ears, good father, with some more.
Shad. Why, sir, are there other heavens in other countries?
Andel. Peace; interrupt him not upon thy life.
Andel. Oh how my soul is rapt to a third heaven. I’ll travel sure, and live with none but kings.
Shad. Then Shadow must die among knaves; and yet why so? In a bunch of cards, knaves wait upon the kings.
Andel. When I turn king, then shalt thou wait on me.
Shad. Well, there’s nothing impossible: a dog has his day, and so have you.
Enter Fortune in the background: after her The Three Destinies,[376] working.
Shad. I know a medicine for that malady.
Fort. By travel, boys, I have seen all these things.
Andel. And these are sights for none but gods and kings.
Shad. Yes, and for Christian creatures, if they be not blind.
[Exeunt Fortune and The Three Destinies.
Andel. Why the pox dost thou sweat so?
Shad. For anger to see any of God’s creatures have such filthy faces as these sempsters[377] had that went hence.
Andel. Sempsters? why, you ass, they are Destinies.
Shad. Indeed, if it be one’s destiny to have a filthy face, I know no remedy but to go masked and cry “Woe worth the Fates.”
Shad. Shadows? I defy their kindred.
Fort. O Ampedo, I faint; help me, my sons.
Andel. Shadow, I pray thee run and call more help.
Shad. If that desperate Don Dego[378] Death hath ta’en up the cudgels once, here’s never a fencer in Cyprus dare take my old master’s part.
Andel. Run, villain, call more help.
Shad. Bid him thank the Destinies for this. [Exit.
Andel. How, father? jewel? call you this a jewel? it’s coarse wool, a bald fashion, and greasy to the brim; I have bought a better felt for a French crown forty times: of what virtuous block is this hat, I pray?
Brother, close you down his eyes, because you were his eldest; and with them close up your tears, whilst I as all younger brothers do, shift for myself: let us mourn, because he’s dead, but mourn the less, because he cannot revive. The honour we can do him, is to bury him royally; let’s about it then, for I’ll not melt myself to death with scalding sighs, nor drop my soul out at mine eyes, were my father an emperor.
Andel. Yet God send my grief a tongue, that I may have good utterance for it: sob on, brother mine, whilst you sigh there, I’ll sit and read what story my father has written here.
[They both fall asleep: Fortune and a company of Satyrs enter with music, and playing about Fortunatus’ body, take it away. Afterwards Shadow enters running.
Shad. I can get none, I can find none: where are you, master? Have I ta’en you napping? and you too? I see sorrow’s eye-lids are made of a dormouse skin, they seldom open, or of a miser’s purse, that’s always shut. So ho, master.
Andel. Shadow, why how now? what’s the matter?
Shad. I can get none, sir, ’tis impossible.
Amp. What is impossible? what canst not get?
Shad. No help for my old master.
Andel. Hast thou been all this while calling for help?
Shad. Yes, sir: he scorned all Famagosta when he was in his huffing,[380] and now he lies puffing for wind, they say they scorn him.
Andel. I bear it? I touched it not.
Amp. Nor I: a leaden slumber pressed mine eyes.
Shad. Whether it were lead or latten[381] that hasped down those winking casements, I know not, but I found you both snorting.
Andel. I fear he’s risen again; didst not thou meet him?
Shad. I, sir? do you think this white and red durst have kissed my sweet cheeks, if they had seen a ghost? But, master, if the Destinies, or Fortune, or the Fates, or the Fairies have stolen him, never indict them for the felony: for by this means the charges of a tomb is saved, and you being his heirs, may do as many rich executors do, put that money in your purses, and give out that he died a beggar.
Shad. Methinks, master, it were better to let the memory of him shine in his own virtues, if he had any, than in alabaster.
Andel. I shall mangle that alabaster face, you whoreson virtuous vice.
Shad. He has a marble heart, that can mangle a face of alabaster.
Andel. Brother, come, come, mourn not; our father is but stepped to agree with Charon for his boat hire to Elysium. See, here’s a story of all his travels; this book shall come out with a new addition: I’ll tread after my father’s steps; I’ll go measure the world, therefore let’s share these jewels, take this, or this!
Amp. Will you then violate our father’s will?
Andel. A Puritan!—keep a dead man’s will? Indeed in the old time, when men were buried in soft church-yards, that their ghosts might rise, it was good: but, brother, now they are imprisoned in strong brick and marble, they are fast. Fear not: away, away, these are fooleries, gulleries, trumperies; here’s this or this, or I am gone with both!
Amp. Do you as you please, the sin shall not be mine. Fools call those things profane that are divine.
Andel. Are you content to wear the jewels by turns? I’ll have the purse for a year, you the hat, and as much gold as you’ll ask; and when my pursership ends, I’ll resign, and cap you.
Amp. I am content to bear all discontents. [Exit.
Andel. I should serve this bearing ass rarely now, if I should load him, but I will not. Though conscience be like physic, seldom used, for so it does least hurt, yet I’ll take a dram of it. This for him, and some gold: this for me; for having this mint about me, I shall want no wishing cap. Gold is an eagle, that can fly to any place, and, like death, that dares enter all places. Shadow, wilt thou travel with me?
Shad. I shall never fadge[382] with the humour because I cannot lie.
Andel. Thou dolt, we’ll visit all the kings’ courts in the world.
Shad. So we may, and return dolts home, but what shall we learn by travel?
Andel. Fashions.[383]
Shad. That’s a beastly disease: methinks it’s better staying in your own country.
Andel. How? In mine own country—like a cage-bird, and see nothing?
Shad. Nothing? yes, you may see things enough, for what can you see abroad that is not at home? The same sun calls you up in the morning, and the same man in the moon lights you to bed at night; our fields are as green as theirs in summer, and their frosts will nip us more in winter: our birds sing as sweetly and our women are as fair: in other countries you shall have one drink to you; whilst you kiss your hand, and duck,[384] he’ll poison you: I confess you shall meet more fools, and asses, and knaves abroad than at home. Yet God be thanked we have pretty store of all. But for punks,[385] we put them down.
Shad. If I must, the Fates shall be served: I have seen many clowns courtiers, then why not Shadow? Fortune, I am for thee. [Exit.
Enter Orleans melancholy, Galloway with him; a Boy after them with a lute.
Orle. Begone: leave that with me, and leave me to myself; if the king ask for me, swear to him I am sick, and thou shalt not lie; pray thee leave me.
Boy. I am gone, sir. [Exit.
Enter the Prince of Cyprus and Agripyne.
Cypr. By this then it seems a thing impossible, to know when an English lady loves truly.
Agrip. Not so, for when her soul steals into her heart, and her heart leaps up to her eyes, and her eyes drop into her hands, then if she say, Here’s my hand! she’s your own,—else never.
Cyp. Here’s a pair of your prisoners, let’s try their opinion.
Agrip. My kind prisoners, well encountered; the Prince of Cyprus here and myself have been wrangling about a question of love: my lord of Orleans, you look lean, and likest a lover—Whether is it more torment to love a lady and never enjoy her, or always to enjoy a lady whom you cannot choose but hate?
Orle. To hold her ever in mine arms whom I loath in my heart, were some plague, yet the punishment were no more than to be enjoined to keep poison in my hand, yet never to taste it.
Agrip. But say you should be compelled to swallow the poison?
Orle. Then a speedy death would end a speeding misery. But to love a lady and never enjoy her, oh it is not death, but worse than damnation; ’tis hell, ’tis——
Agrip. No more, no more, good Orleans; nay then, I see my prisoner is in love too.
Cypr. Methinks, soldiers cannot fall into the fashion of love.
Agrip. Methinks a soldier is the most faithful lover of all men else; for his affection stands not upon compliment. His wooing is plain home-spun stuff; there’s no outlandish thread in it, no rhetoric. A soldier casts no figures to get his mistress’ heart; his love is like his valour in the field, when he pays downright blows.
Gall. True, madam, but would you receive such payment?
Agrip. No, but I mean, I love a soldier best for his plain dealing.
Cypr. That’s as good as the first.
Agrip. Be it so, that goodness I like: for what lady can abide to love a spruce silken-face courtier, that stands every morning two or three hours learning how to look by his glass, how to speak by his glass, how to sigh by his glass, how to court his mistress by his glass? I would wish him no other plague, but to have a mistress as brittle as glass.
Gall. And that were as bad as the horn plague.
Cypr. Are any lovers possessed with this madness?
Agrip. What madmen are not possessed with this love? Yet by my troth, we poor women do but smile in our sleeves to see all this foppery: yet we all desire to see our lovers attired gallantly, to hear them sing sweetly, to behold them dance comely and such like. But this apish monkey fashion of effeminate niceness, out upon it! Oh, I hate it worse than to be counted a scold.
Cypr. Indeed, men are most regarded, when they least regard themselves.
Gall. And women most honoured, when they show most mercy to their lovers.
Orle. But is’t not a miserable tyranny, to see a lady triumph in the passions of a soul languishing through her cruelty?
Cypr. Methinks it is.
Gall. Methinks ’tis more than tyranny.
Agrip. So think not I; for as there is no reason to hate any that love us, so it were madness to love all that do not hate us; women are created beautiful, only because men should woo them; for ’twere miserable tyranny to enjoin poor women to woo men: I would not hear of a woman in love, for my father’s kingdom.
Cypr. I never heard of any woman that hated love.
Agrip. Nor I: but we had all rather die than confess we love; our glory is to hear men sigh whilst we smile, to kill them with a frown, to strike them dead with a sharp eye, to make you this day wear a feather, and to-morrow a sick nightcap. Oh, why this is rare, there’s a certain deity in this, when a lady by the magic of her looks, can turn a man into twenty shapes.
Orle. Sweet friend, she speaks this but to torture me.
Gall. I’ll teach thee how to plague her: love her not.
Agrip. Poor Orleans, how lamentably he looks: if he stay, he’ll make me surely love him for pure pity. I must send him hence, for of all sorts of love, I hate the French; I pray thee, sweet prisoner, entreat Lord Longaville to come to me presently.
Orle. I will, and esteem myself more than happy, that you will employ me. [Exit.
Agrip. Watch him, watch him for God’s sake, if he sigh not or look not back.
Cypr. He does both: but what mystery lies in this?
Agrip. Nay, no mystery, ’tis as plain as Cupid’s forehead: why this is as it should be.—“And esteem myself more than happy, that you will employ me.” My French prisoner is in love over head and ears.
Cypr. It’s wonder how he ’scapes drowning.
Gall. With whom, think you?
Agrip. With his keeper, for a good wager: Ah, how glad is he to obey! And how proud am I to command in this empire of affection! Over him and such spongy-livered youths, that lie soaking in love, I triumph more with mine eye, than ever he did over a soldier with his sword. Is’t not a gallant victory for me to subdue my father’s enemy with a look? Prince of Cyprus, you were best take heed, how you encounter an English lady.
Cypr. God bless me from loving any of you, if all be so cruel.
Agrip. God bless me from suffering you to love me, if you be not so formable.
Cypr. Will you command me any service, as you have done Orleans?
Agrip. No other service but this, that, as Orleans, you love me, for no other reason, but that I may torment you.
Cypr. I will: conditionally, that in all company I may call you my tormentor.
Agrip. You shall: conditionally, that you never beg for mercy. Come, my Lord of Galloway.
Gall. Come, sweet madam.
[Exeunt all except the Prince of Cyprus.
Re-enter Agripyne and listens.
[Agripyne kneels: Cyprus walks musing.
Agrip. Hold him in this mind, sweet Cupid, I conjure thee. O, what music these hey-hos make! I was about to cast my little self into a great love trance for him, fearing his heart had been flint: but since I see ’tis pure virgin wax, he shall melt his bellyful: for now I know how to temper him. [Exit; as she departs Cyprus spies her.
Enter Cornwall.
Enter Longaville, Galloway, and Chester with jewels.