Wife. By my faith and troth George, and as I am virtuous, it is e'n the kindest young man that ever trode on shooe-leather: well, go thy waies, if thou hast her not, 'tis not thy fault 'ifaith.

Cit. I prethee Mouse be patient, a shall have her, or I'll make some of 'em smoak for't.

Wife. Thats my good lamb George, fie, this stinking Tobacco kills men, would there were none in England: now I pray Gentlemen, what good does this stinking Tobacco do you? nothing; I warrant you make chimneys a your faces: Oh Husband, Husband, now, now there's Ralph, there's Ralph.

Cit. Peace fool, let Ralph alone, hark you Ralph; do not strain your self too much at the first, peace, begin Ralph.

Ralph. Then Palmerin and Trineus snatching their Lances from their Dwarfs, and clasping their Helmets, gallopt amain after the Giant, and Palmerin having gotten a sight of him, came posting amain, saying, Stay traiterous thief, for thou maist not so carry away her, that is worth the greatest Lord in the World, and with these words gave him a blow on the Shoulder, that he struck him besides his Elephant; and Trineus coming to the Knight that had Agricola behind him, set him soon besides his horse, with his neck broken in the fall, so that the Princess getting out of the throng, between joy and grief said: All happy Knight, the mirror of all such as follow Arms, now may I be well assured of the love thou bearest me, I wonder why the Kings do not raise an Army of fourteen or fifteen hundred thousand men, as big as the Army that the Prince of Portigo brought against Rocicler, and destroy these Giants, they do much hurt to wandring Damsels, that go in quest of their Knights.

Wife. Faith Husband, and Ralph says true, for they say the King of Portugal cannot sit at his meat, but the Giants and the Ettins will come and snatch it from him.

Cit. Hold thy tongue; on Ralph.

Ralph. And certainly those Knights are much to be commended, who neglecting their possessions, wander with a Squire and a Dwarfe through the Desarts, to relieve poor Ladies.

Wife. I by my faith are they Ralph, let 'em say what they will, they are indeed: our Knights neglect their possessions well enough, but they do not the rest.

Ralph. There are no such courteous, and fair well-spoken Knights in this age, they will call one the Son of a whore, that Palmerin of England, would have called fair Sir; and one that Rosicler would have called Right beaut[eous] Damsel, they will call Damn'd bitch.

Wife. I'll be sworn will they Ralph, they have called me so an hundred times about a scurvy pipe of Tobacco.

Ralph. But what brave spirit could be content to sit in his shop with a flapet of Wood, and a blew Apron before him selling Methridatam and Dragons water to visited houses, that might pursue feats of Arms, and through his noble atchievements, procure such a famous History to be written [of his] Heroick prowesse.

Cit. Well said Ralph, some more of those words Ralph.

Wife. They go finely by my troth.

Ralph. Why should [not I] then pursue this course, both for the credit of my self and our company, for amongst all the worthy Books of Atchievements, I do not call to mind, that I yet read of a Grocer Errant. I will be the said Knight: Have you heard of any that hath wandred unfurnished of his Squire and Dwarfe? my elder Prentice T[i]m shall be my trusty Squire, and little George my Dwarfe, hence my blew Apron, yet in remembrance of my former Trade, upon my shield shall be pourtraid a Burning Pestle, and I will be call'd the Knight of the burning Pestle.

Wife. Nay, I dare swear thou wilt not forget thy old Trade, thou wert ever meek.

Ralph. Tim.

Tim. Anon.

Ralph. My beloved Squire, and George my Dwarfe, I charge you that from henceforth you never call me by any other name, but the Right courteous and valiant Knight of the Burning Pestle, and that you never call any Female by the name of a Woman or Wench, but fair Lady, if she have her desires; if not, distressed Damsel; that you call all Forrests and Heaths, Desarts, and all Horses Palfries.

Wife. This is very fine: faith do the Gentlemen like Ralph, think you Husband?

Cit. I, I warrant thee, the Players would give all the shooes in their shop for him.

Ralph. My beloved Squire Tim, stand out, admit this were a Desart, and over it a Knight Errant pricking, and I should bid you enquire of his intents, what would you say?

Tim. Sir, my Master sent me to know whither you are riding?

Ralph. No, thus; fair Sir, the Right courteous, and valiant Knight of the Burning Pestle, commanded me to enquire upon what adventure you are bound, whether to relieve some distressed Damsel, or otherwise.

Cit. Whorson blockhead cannot remember.

Wife. I'faith, and Ralph told him on't before: all the Gentlemen heard him, did he not Gentlemen, did not Ralph tell him on't?

George. Right courteous and valiant Knight of the Burning Pestle, here is a distressed Damsel, to have a halfepenny worth of Pepper.

Wife. That's a good boy, see, the little boy can hit it, by my troth it's a fine child.

Ralph. Relieve her with all courteous language, now shut up shop, no more my Prentice, but my trusty Squire and Dwarfe, I must bespeak my Shield, and arming Pestle.

Cit. Go thy ways Ralph, as I am a true man, thou art the best on 'em all.

Wife. Ralph, Ralph.

Ralph. What say you Mistriss?

Wife. I prethee come again quickly, sweet Ralph.

Ralph. By and by. [Exit Ralph.

Mist. Mer. Give thee my blessing? no, I'll never give thee my blessing, I'll see thee hang'd first; it shall ne'r be said I gave thee my blessing: thou art thy Fathers own Son, of the [right] bloud of the Merry-thoughts; I may curse the time that e'r I knew thy Father, he hath spent all his own, and mine too, and when I tell him of it, he laughs and dances, and sings and cries; A merry heart lives long-a. And thou art a wast-thrift, and art run away from thy Master, that lov'd thee well, and art come to me, and I have laid up a little for my younger Son Michael, and thou thinkst to bezle that, but thou shalt never be able to do it, Come hither Michael, come Michael, down on thy knees, thou shalt have my blessing.

Enter Michael.

Mich. I pray you Mother pray to God to bless me.

Mist. Mer. God bless thee: but Jasper shall never have my blessing, he shall be hang'd first, shall he not Michael? how saist thou?

Wife. Ungracious child I warrant him, harke how he chops Logick with his Mother: thou hadst best tell her she lies, do, tell her she lies.

Cit. If he were my son, I would hang him up by the heels, and flea him, and salt him, whorson halter-sack.

Mist. Mer. I'faith I had sorrow enough for thee: (God knows) but I'll hamper thee well enough: get thee in thou vagabond, get thee in, and learn of thy brother Michael.

Old Mer. within. Nose, Nose, jolly red Nose, and who gave thee this jolly red Nose?

Mist. Mer. If you would consider your estate, you would have little list to sing, I-wisse.

Old Mer. It should never be consider'd, while it were an estate, if I thought it would spoil my singing.

Mist. Mer. But how wilt thou do Charles, thou art an old man, and thou canst not work, and thou hast not forty shillings left, and thou eatest good meat, and drinkest good drink, and laughest?

Old Mer. And will doe.

Mist. Mer. But how wilt thou come by it Charles?

Old Mer. How? why how have I done hitherto these forty years? I never came into my Dining-room, but at eleven and six a clock, I found excellent meat and drink a'th' Table: my Cloaths were never worn out, but next morning a Tailor brought me a new suit; and without question it will be so ever! Use makes perfectness. If all should fail, it is but a little straining my self extraordinary, and laugh my self to death.

Wife. It's a foolish old man this: is not he George?

Cit. Yes Cunny.

Wife. Give me a penny i'th' purse while I live George.

Cit. I by Lady Cunnie, hold thee there.

Mist. Mer. Well Charles, you promis'd to provide for Jasper, and I have laid up for Michael: I pray you pay Jasper his portion, he's come home, and he shall not consume Michaels stock: he saies his Master turn'd him away, but I promise you truly, I think he ran away.

Wife. No indeed Mistriss Merry-thought, though he be a notable gallows, yet I'll assure you his Master did turn him away, even in this place, 'twas i'faith within this half hour, about his Daughter, my Husband was by.

Cit. Hang him rogue, he serv'd him well enough: love his Masters Daughter! by my troth Cunnie, if there were a thousand boys, thou wouldst spoil them all, with taking their parts; let his Mother alone with him.

Wife. I George, but yet truth is truth.

Old. Mer. Where is Jasper? he's welcome however, call him in, he shall have his portion, is he merry?

Mist. Mer. I foul chive him, he is too merry. Jasper. Michael.

Old Mer. Welcome Jasper, though thou run'st away, welcome, God bless thee, 'tis thy mothers mind thou shouldst receive thy portion: thou hast been abroad, and I hope hast learnt experience enough to govern it: thou art of sufficient years, hold thy hand: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, there is ten shillings for thee, thrust thy self into the world with that, and take some setled course, if fortune cross thee, thou hast a retiring place; come home to me, I have twenty shillings left, be a good Husband, that is, wear ordinary Cloaths, eat the best meat, and drink the best drink; be merry, and give to the poor, [and] believe me, thou hast no end of thy goods.

Old Mer. No more words Jasper, get thee gone, thou hast my blessing, thy Fathers spirit upon thee. Farewel Jasper; but yet, or e'r you part (oh cruel) kiss me, kiss me sweeting, mine own dear jewel: So, now begone; no words.

Mist. Mer. So Michael, now get thee gone too.

Mich. Yes forsooth Mother, but I'll have my Father's blessing first.

Mist. Mer. No Michael, 'tis no matter for his blessing; thou hast my blessing, begone; I'll fetch my money and jewels, and follow thee: I'll stay no longer with him I warrant thee; truly Charles I'll begon too.

[Old Mer. What you will not?]

Mist. Mer. Yes indeed will I.

Old Mer. Hay ho, farewel Nan, I'll never trust wench more again, if I can.

Mist. Mer. You shall not think (when all your own is gone) to spend that I have been scraping up for Michael.

Old Mer. Farewel good wife, I expect it not; all I have to do in this world, is to be merry: which I shall, if the ground be not taken from me: and if it be,

Wife. I'll be sworn he's a merry old Gentleman for all that: Hark, hark Husband, hark, Fiddles, Fiddles; now surely they go finely. They say 'tis present death for these Fidlers to tune their Rebecks before the great Turks grace, is't not George? But look, look, here's a youth dances: now good youth do a turn o'th' toe; Sweet-heart, i'faith I'll have Ralph come, and do some of his Gambols; he'll ride the Wild Mare Gentlemen, 'twould do your hearts good to see him: I thank you kind youth, pray bid Ralph come.

Cit. Peace Connie. Sirrah, you scurvy boy, bid the Players send Ralph, or by gods —— and they do not, I'll tear some of their Periwigs beside their heads: this is all Riff-Raff.

Wife. George, dost thou think in thy conscience now 'twill be a match? tell me but what thou think'st sweet Rogue, thou seest the poor Gentleman (dear heart) how it labours and throbs I warrant you, to be at rest: I'll go move the Father for't.

Cit. No, no, I prethee sit still Honey-suckle, thou'lt spoil all; if he deny him, I'll bring half a dozen good fellows my self, and in the shutting of an evening knock't up, and there's an end.

Wife. I'll buss thee for that I'faith boy; well George, well you have been a wag in your days I warrant you: but God forgive you, and I do with all my heart.

Wife. Gods blessing o'thy soul, old man, i'faith thou art loth to part true hearts: I see a has her, George, and I'm as glad on't; well, go thy ways Humphrey for [a fair] spoken man, I believe thou hast not thy fellow within the walls of London, and I should say the Suburbs too, I should not lie: why dost not thou rejoyce with me George?

Mist. Mer. Come Michael, art thou not weary Boy?

Mich. No forsooth Mother not I.

Mist. Mer. Where be we now child?

Mich. Indeed forsooth Mother I cannot tell, unless we be at Mile-end, is not all the world Mile-end, Mother?

Mist. Mer. No Michael, not all the world boy; but I can assure thee Michael, Mile-end is a goodly matter, there has been a pitcht field my child, between the naughty Spaniels, and the Englishmen, and the Spaniels ran away Michael, and the Englishmen followed: my neighbor Coxstone was there boy, and kill'd them all with a birding-piece.

Mich. Mother forsooth.

Mist. Mer. What says my white boy?

Mich. Shall not my Father go with us too?

Mist. Mer. No Michael, let thy Father go snick up, he shall never come between a pair of sheets with me again, while he lives: let him stay at home and sing for his supper boy; come child sit down, and I'll shew my boy fine knacks indeed, look here Michael, here's a Ring, and here's a Bruch, and here's a Bracelet, and here's two Rings more, and here's Money, and Gold by th' eye my boy.

Mich. Shall I have all this Mother?

Mist. Mer. I Michael thou shalt have all Michael.

Cit. How lik'st thou this wench?

Wife. I cannot tell, I would have Ralph, George; I'll see no more else indeed-law, and I pray you let the youths understand so much by word of mouth, for I will tell you truly, I'm afraid o' my boy: come, come George, let's be merry and wise, the child's a fatherless child, and say they should put him into a strait pair of Gaskins, 'twere worse than knot-grass, he would never grow after it.

Cit. Here's Ralph, here's Ralph.

Wife. How do you Ralph? you are welcome Ralph, as I may say, it'[s] a good boy, hold up thy head, and be not afraid, we are thy friends, Ralph, the Gentlemen will praise thee Ralph, if thou plai'st thy part with audacity, begin Ralph a Gods name.

Ralph. My trusty Squire unlace my Helme, give me my hat, where are we, or what desart might this be?

Dw. Mirror of Knig[h]thood, this is, as I take it, the perilous Waltham Down; in whose bottom stands the inchanted Valley.

Mist. Mer. Oh Michael, we are betraid, we are betraid, here be Giants, flie boy, flie boy flie.

Wife. I marry Ralph, this has some savour in't, I would see the proudest of them all offer to carry his Books after him. But George, I will not have him go away so soon, I shall be sick if he go away, that I shall; call Ralph again George, call Ralph again, I prethee sweetheart let him come fight before me, and let's ha some Drums, and Trumpets, and let him kill all that comes near him, and thou lov'st me George.

Cit. Peace a little bird, he shall kill them all, and they were twenty more on 'em then there are.

Wife. I do not like that this unthrifty youth should embesil away the money, the poor Gentlewoman his mother will have a heavy heart for it, God knows.

Cit. And reason good, sweet heart.

Wif[e]. But let him go, I'll tell Ralph a tale in's ear, shall fetch him again with a wanion, I warrant him, if he be above ground; and besides George, here be a number of sufficient Gentlemen can witness, and my self, and your self, and the Musicians, if we be call'd in question, but here comes Ralph, George, thou shalt hear him speak, as he were an Emperal.

Mist. Mer. Alas, Sir, I am a poor Gentlewoman, and I have lost my money in this Forrest.

Mist. Mer. Out alas, I left a thousand pound, a thousand pound, e'n all the money I had laid up for this youth, upon the sight of your Mastership, you lookt so grim, and as I may say it, saving your presence, more like a Giant than a mortal man.

Mist. Mer. Has he not cause to weep do you think, when he has lost his inheritance?

Cit. Did not I tell you Nell what your man would do? by the faith of my body wench, for clean action and good delivery, they may all cast their caps at him.

Wife. And so they may i'faith, for I dare speak it boldly, the twelve Companies of London cannot match him, timber for timber: well George, and he be not inveigled by some of these paltery Players, I ha much marvel: but George we ha done our parts, if the Boy have any grace to be thankful.

Cit. Yes, I warrant you duckling.

Wife. This young Jasper will prove me another Things, a my conscience and he may be suffered; George, dost not see George how a swaggers, and flies at the very heads a fokes as he were a Dragon; well if I do not do his lesson for wronging the poor Gentleman, I am no true Woman, his friends that brought him up might have been better occupied, I wis, then have taught him these fegaries: he's e'n in the high-way to the Gallows, God bless him.

Cit. You're too bitter, Connie, the young man may do well enough for all this.

Wife. Come hither master Humphrey, has he hurt you? now beshrew his fingers for't, here Sweet-heart, here's some Green Ginger for thee, now beshrew my heart, but a has Pepper-nel in's head, as big as a Pullets egg: alas, sweet Lamb, how thy Temples beat; take the peace on him sweet heart, take the peace on him.

Cit. No, no, you talk like a foolish woman, I'll ha Ralph fight with him, and swinge him up well-favour'dly: sirrah boy come hither, let Ralph come in and fight with Jasper,

Wife. I and beat him well, he's an unhappy boy.

Boy. Sir, you must pardon us, the plot of our Play lies contrary, and 'twill hazard the spoiling of our Play.

Cit. Plot me no plots, I'll ha Ralph come out, I'll make your house too hot for you else.

Boy. Why Sir, he shall, but if any thing fall out of order, the Gentlemen must pardon us.

Cit. Go your ways good-man boy, I'll hold him a penny he shall have his belly full of fighting now, ho here comes Ralph, no more.