Small Boy. "NOW, THEN, YOU SIR! DON'T YOU KNOW NO BETTER THAN TO RUN AGIN A MIMBER O' PARLIAMENT—JUST YOU COME BACK, AND PICK UP MY 'AT, OR I'M BLOWED IF I DON'T MAKE YER!"
Flunkey. "I BEG YOUR PARDON, SIR—BUT THERE IS ONE THING I SHOULD LIKE TO MENTION AT ONCE. I AM AFRAID—A—THAT I AM EXPECTED TO CLEAN THE BOOTS."
Gentleman. "BLESS ME! OH DEAR, NO! THERE MUST BE SOME MISTAKE; I ALWAYS CLEAN THEM MYSELF—AND IF YOU WILL LEAVE YOUR SHOES OUTSIDE YOUR DOOR, I WILL GIVE THEM A POLISH AT THE SAME TIME."
HAVING BEEN DRUNK AND DISORDERLY, IS ORDERED BY HIS "DASHING WHITE SERJEANT" TO DO DOUBLE DUTY.
THE NIGHTS ARE STILL CHILLY; THEREFORE OUR FRIEND WARMS THE BED FOR HIS FAMILY PREVIOUS TO HIS GOING ON GUARD.
Equestrian. "NO, I SHAN'T STOP FOR THE LAST RACE; I MUST GET TO TOWN TO GO TO AN EVENING PARTY."
Van Driver. "I DON'T KNOW NUTHUN ABOUT NO RIGHT SIDES NOR WRONG SIDES. YOU GET OUT OF THE WAY, IF YER DON'T WANT TO BE MADE A WAFER OF!"
"ALL IN! ALL IN! WALK UP, LADIES! JUST A GOING TO BEGIN! NONE OF YOUR SHAMS HERE, BUT REAL BULLET-HEADED MURDERERS! ALL IN! ALL IN!"
Emma. "WHAT DO YOU THINK, DEAR GRAN'MA? THE LADIES IN PARIS WEAR THEIR HAIR TAKEN OFF THE FOREHEAD AND SPRINKLED WITH SILVER!"
Grandma. "DO THEY, INDEED! WELL, MY DARLING, SO LONG AS THEY ARE RESPECTABLE, THERE CAN BE NO HARM IN GREY LOCKS."
"DEAR! DEAR! DEAR! HOW VERY PROVOKING! HERE'S ONE END OF THE BARREL COME OUT, AND ALL THE OYSTERS MIXED WITH MY CLEAN COLLARS!"
Domestic. "HERE'S MISS BRADSHAW, MUM, HAS JUST COME; SHE'S GONE UP-STAIRS, MUM."
Angelina. "OH, VERY WELL—I WILL—"
Edwin. "BRADSHAW!! WHO THE DEUCE IS MISS BRADSHAW?"
Angelina. "OH, IT'S NOTHING OF CONSEQUENCE, DEAR—SHALL I GIVE YOU SOME MORE TEA, DEAR?"
Edwin. "YES; BUT WHO IS MISS BRADSHAW? WHY CAN'T YOU TELL ME WHO MISS BRADSHAW IS?"
Angelina. "LAW! EDWIN! IF YOU MUST KNOW, IT'S—IT'S—TH'—THE DRESSMAKER."
WHEN YOU CROSS THE CHANNEL, ESPECIALLY IF IT SHOULD BE BLOWING HARD, "KEEP YOUR PECKER UP" (AS THAT AGREEABLE RATTLE, YOUNG FIPPSON, CALLS IT) BY MAKING A HEARTY MEAL AT THE "SHIP" OR "PAVILION."
AND ONCE ON BOARD, FIX YOUR EYES UPON SOME DISTANT OBJECT, AND ADAPT THE MOVEMENTS OF YOUR BODY TO THE ROLLING OF THE VESSEL, AND THE RESULT WILL PROBABLY BE, AS SHOWN ABOVE IN NO. III.
"WELL! GOOD BYE, UNCLE! I'VE ENJOYED MYSELF VERY MUCH IN THE COUNTRY; AND IF YOU WILL RUN UP TO LONDON AT ANY TIME, I'LL SHOW YOU A LITTLE LIFE!"
APPALLING POSITION OF MR. AND MRS. TOMKINS, WHO HAD A JIB HORSE WHEN THE TIDE WAS COMING IN.
THE NOSE OF THE HIPPOPOTAMUS PUT OUT OF JOINT BY THE YOUNG ELEPHANT.
DELICATE STATE OF THE HIPPOPOTAMUS. IT IS ORDERED CHANGE OF AIR, AND A LITTLE SEA-BATHING.
THE HIPPOPOTAMUS HAS QUITE RECOVERED, AND IS TAKEN OUT FOR AN AIRING.
Husband. "WELL! I DECLARE I'M QUITE GLAD IT'S A WET DAY. IT WILL BE AN EXCUSE TO STOP AT HOME WITH MY DARLING LITTLE PIPSEY POPSY. WHAT DO YOU SAY, DICKEY! EH? PRETTY DICK! PRETTY DICK!"
Husband. "GO OUT FOR A WALK! NONSENSE! I'VE SOMETHING ELSE TO DO. I THINK TOO, YOU MIGHT PULL DOWN THAT BLIND, UNLESS YOU WANT THE SUN TO SPOIL ALL THE FURNITURE; AND, DEAR, DEAR, DO FOR GOODNESS' SAKE, JEMIMA, TAKE THAT D—— CANARY OUT OF THE ROOM!"
WHO IS THIS? WHY, THIS IS MR. JOHN CHUBB PULLING ONE OF HIS LONG, SLOW, STEADY STROKES. HE IS TAKING MORE PAINS THAN USUAL, BECAUSE THOSE PRETTY GIRLS IN THE ROUND HATS ARE SITTING ON THE LAWN DRAWING FROM NATURE.
Gentleman. "DO YOU MEAN TO SAY THAT YOU UNDERSTAND THE CARE OF HORSES?"
Boy. "WELL, SIR, I HAD OUGHT TO—FOR I'VE BEEN AMONGST 'EM ALL MY LIFE."
Youths. "THEN, I SUPPOSE, WHEN YOU WERE A SMUGGLER, YOU USED TO HAVE REG'LAR COMBATS AND FIGHTS?"
Boatman. "COMBATS AND FIGHTS! LOR LOVE YER, WE WOS A'MOST ALWAYS AT IT. ONCE IN PARTICKLER I CALL TO MIND. I HAD THREE BALLS THROUGH MY HEAD AND TWO IN THE STUMMUCK (WHICH I FEEL 'EM NOW SOMETIMES IN THE WINTER I DO), BESIDES BEIN' RUN THROUGH WITH A CUTLASS, AND ALL MY FRONT TEETH KNOCKED OUT BY THE PERWENTIVE MAN'S TELESCOPE, WICH LUCKILY SHUT UP, OR THERE'S NO KNOWIN' WOT MIGHT 'A BIN THE CONSEQUENCE. AH! THERE WOS GOINGS ON THEN. BUT, LOR, IT AIN'T NOTHIN' LIKE IT NOW!"
ALTHOUGH POLICEMEN ARE PLACED AT PARTICULAR SPOTS FOR THE PURPOSE OF MAKING OMNIBUSES "MOVE ON," THEY ARE GENERALLY SEEN CHATTING, OR CRACKING THE FRIENDLY WALNUT WITH THE CONDUCTORS, TO THE INCONVENIENCE AND INDIGNATION OF THE PASSENGERS. HOW IS THIS?
Groom. "THAT'S JUST WHAT I SAY, SIR; IT IS AGGERAVATIN' TO SEE A NICE OSS LIKE THAT, SIR, A DOIN' NOTHIN' BUT EATIN' HIS 'ED OFF."
IT IS NECESSARY TO GET A HAT. TWO OR MORE PERSONS PLACE THEIR HANDS ON THE RIM THEREOF, THE LITTLE FINGERS OF EACH PERSON BEING IN CONTACT. IN ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES, OR HALF-AN-HOUR, OR PERHAPS MORE, THE HAT WILL BEGIN TO JUMP AND REVOLVE RAPIDLY.
"NOW, MARM, THIS GOES TO THE CHRISTIAL PALIS."
"BLESS THE MAN! I DON'T WANT NO CHRISTIAL PALISES. I AM GOIN' TO THE BOROUGH."
HAVING A COLD IN HIS HEAD, RESORTS TO AN INGENIOUS METHOD OF PRESERVING HIS HEALTH WITHOUT DESERTING HIS POST.
Militia Man (loq.). "ALEXANDER, WHEN YOU'VE TITTIVATED THAT GENT, YOU MUST COME TO DRILL."
Papa. "SO, CHARLEY, YOU REALLY ARE IN LOVE WITH THE LITTLE BLACK-EYED GIRL YOU MET LAST NIGHT?"
Charley. "YES, PAPA, I LOVE HER DEARLY!"
Papa. "HOW MUCH DO YOU LOVE HER, CHARLEY? DO YOU LOVE HER AS MUCH AS PUDDING?"
Charley. "OH YES, PAPA! AND A GREAT DEAL BETTER THAN PUDDING, BUT (pausing to reflect)—I DON'T LOVE—HER SO MUCH AS—JELLY!"
WHEN EVERY MOMENT IS OF CONSEQUENCE, MR. FLAKE WHITE'S MODEL FOR HAMLET APPEARS WITH A BLACK EYE, WHICH HE DECLARES IS THE EFFECT OF INFLUENZA.
HAVING CURED HIS COLD WITH RUM-AND-WATER, RESOLVES NOT TO GO HOME "TILL DAY-LIGHT DOES APPEAR." HE ASSURES THE POLICEMAN THAT "IT'S ALL RIGHT."
"THERE NOW; THAT'S A CIGAR I CAN CONFIDENTLY RECOMMEND."
"WELL; PUT ME UP A DOZEN TO TRY!"
Head of the Family. "FOR WHAT WE ARE GOING TO RECEIVE, MAKE US TRULY THANKFUL.—HEM! COLD MUTTON AGAIN!"
Wife of his Bussum. "AND A VERY GOOD DINNER TOO, ALEXANDER, SOMEBODY MUST BE ECONOMICAL. PEOPLE CAN'T EXPECT TO HAVE RICHMOND AND GREENWICH DINNERS OUT OF THE LITTLE HOUSEKEEPING MONEY I HAVE."
"RAILROADS, SIR? I HATE RAILROADS, AND I SHALL BE VERY GLAD WHEN THEY'RE DONE AWAY WITH, AND WE'VE GOT THE COACHES AGAIN."
"I SAY, MISTER, JUST PUT US UP A COUPLE OF GREEN WEILS, WILL YER? THE DUST IS SO UNCOMMON DISAGREEABLE A-DRIVING DOWN TO HEPSOM!"
First Swell. "WHAT AN ASTONISHING COAT, GUS!"
Second Do. "YA-AS! YOU SEE ALL THE SNOBS DWESS SO INFERN'LY LOUD—THAT FWED AND I THOUGHT WE WOULD COME DOWN VEWY QUIET."
A DESIGN, SHOWING HOW THE PRETTY HOODS WORN BY LADIES MIGHT BE MADE USEFUL AS WELL AS ORNAMENTAL.
Stout Gentleman. "THAT'S THE WAY TO GO OVER A GATE! I DON'T THINK YOU LEFT ME SO FAR BEHIND THAT TIME."
Father of the Family. "OH, IT'S ALL STUFF AND NONSENSE, MRS. G., IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN MANAGED OVER AND OVER AGAIN BY THIS TIME."
Mrs. G. "LAW, MY DEAR, HOW YOU TALK! AND I'M SURE YOU HAVEN'T BEEN PUT TO MUCH INCONVENIENCE."
Mother-in-Law. "THERE, THERE, JEMIMA. DON'T ANSWER HIM; IT'S QUITE RIDICULOUS."
No. I.
Mamma. "YOU ARE A DISAGREEABLE OLD BACHELOR, AND GENERALLY HATE CHILDREN, I KNOW—BUT ISN'T DEAR LITTLE WORMWOOD A FINE, NOBLE LITTLE FELLOW?"
Old Gent. "WELL, IF YOU WANT MY CANDID OPINION, I MAY AS WELL TELL YOU AT ONCE—THAT I THINK HIM THE MOST DETESTABLE LITTLE BEAST I EVER SAW—AND IF YOU IMAGINE I AM GOING TO LEAVE HIM ANYTHING BECAUSE YOU HAVE NAMED HIM AFTER ME, YOU ARE MIGHTILY MISTAKEN."
Artist No. 1. "THERE, MASTER OKER, I FLATTER MYSELF THAT WILL TAKE THE SHINE OUT OF YOUR PRECIOUS PRODUCTION, ALTHOUGH YOU DO THINK NOBODY CAN PAINT BUT YOURSELF."
Artist No. 2. "HEY! DEAR, DEAR, DEAR! THAT'S VERY BAD. BY JOVE, MY BOY, IT'S A DREADFUL FALLING-OFF FROM LAST YEAR. IF I WERE YOU, I SHOULD THINK TWICE BEFORE I SENT IT IN."
Artist No. 1. "MERE ENVY.—ILLIBERAL HUMBUG."
Medical Man. "STUPID OLD FOOL! WHY, THERE'S NOTHING THE MATTER WITH HIM, EXCEPT WHAT ARISES FROM HIS OVER EATING AND DRINKING HIMSELF—ONLY I CAN'T AFFORD TO TELL HIM SO."
Gentleman in Cart. "I SAY, GUV'NOR, BRING US OUT A SPOONFUL O' GIN FOR THE OLD LADY, WILL YER?—AND I'LL TAKE A PINT O' MILD ALE—AND LOOK HERE. I DON'T WANT IT THICK—FOR I AIN'T HUNGRY!"
Swell on Horseback. "WHY, CHARLEY, WHAT'S THE MATTER, OLD BOY? YOU SEEM OUT OF SPIRITS."
Swell on Foot. "AH! I'VE HAD A SAD LOSS, FRED! I'VE LOST THE LITTLE GRIDIRON OFF MY CHATELAINE!!"
Canvasser. "PRAY, GENTLEMEN, DON'T THINK OF WALKING TO THE POLLING BOOTH; I AM SURE YOUR TIME MUST BE VALUABLE, AND HERE'S A CARRIAGE QUITE AT YOUR SERVICE."
Harry (to TOM). "THERE'S ONE GREAT BORE ABOUT A WATERING-PLACE; THEY SELL SUCH HORRID CIGARS."
DISTRESSING POSITION OF A SENTIMENTAL GENTLEMAN WHO WAS ABOUT TO OFFER HIS HAND AND HEART TO THE OBJECT OF HIS AFFECTIONS.
ABOUT FOUR MILES "DOWN THE ROAD" GET PROPERLY SPLASHED AT A PUBLIC-HOUSE.
City Gent (who fancies himself a Judge of a Horse, and no end of a Swell). "THAT'S A NICE LITTLE TIT, CABBY, AND BROUGHT US ALONG WELL!"
Cabby. "YESSIR! HE IS A NICE LITTLE 'OS, HE IS—BUT LOR BLESS YER! HIS 'ART'S TOO BIG FOR HIS BODY. HE'S TOO GOOD FOR MY WORK! NOW HE'D JEST SUIT SUCH A GENT AS YOU—TO DRIVE A LIGHT TEA-CART ABOUT TOWN FOR ORDERS ON A WEEK-DAY, AND TAKE THE MISSUS OUT FOR THE DAY O' SUNDAYS!"
AND RETURN HOME SMOKING A CHEROOT, TO THE ADMIRATION OF THE POPULACE.
Beggar. "DID YOU GET THE LAMB'S FRY?"
His Child. "ALL RIGHT."
Beggar. "WELL, NOW, RUN HOME AND TELL YER MOTHER NOT TO BOIL THE SPARRERGRASS TILL I COME."
London Merchant. "WHY, WHAT IS THE USE OF YOUR BEING IN A RESPECTABLE HOUSE OF BUSINESS IF YOU PROCEED IN THIS ABSURD, VULGAR MANNER? NOW, TAKE MY WORD FOR IT, UNLESS YOU MEND VERY CONSIDERABLY, YOU WILL GO ON FROM BAD TO WORSE. YOU WILL BECOME A PETTY HUCKSTER; FROM THAT YOU WILL, IN ALL PROBABILITY, GET TO BE A MERE COMMON-COUNCILMAN; THEN AN ALDERMAN; WHEN, AFTER A COURSE OF GLUTTONY AND TOMFOOLERY, PAINFUL TO THINK OF, YOU WILL MAKE A RIDICULOUS TERMINATION TO YOUR CONTEMPTIBLE CAREER BY ACTUALLY BECOMING A LORD MAYOR."
Father of the Family. "COME, DEAR; WE SO SELDOM GO OUT TOGETHER NOW—CAN'T YOU TAKE US ALL TO THE PLAY TO-NIGHT?"
Mistress of the House and M.P. "HOW YOU TALK, CHARLES! DON'T YOU SEE THAT I AM TOO BUSY. I HAVE A COMMITTEE TO-MORROW MORNING, AND I HAVE MY SPEECH ON THE GREAT CROCHET QUESTION TO PREPARE FOR THE EVENING."
Lady of the House. "NOW THEN, GIRLS! FILL YOUR GLASSES! BUMPERS! HERE'S JUST ONE TOAST WHICH I AM SURE YOU WILL ALL DRINK WITH PLEASURE. THE GENTLEMEN!!"
Superior Creature. "FOR GOODNESS' SAKE, EDWARD, DO COME AWAY! WHEN YOU ONCE GET INTO A SHOP, THERE'S NO GETTING YOU OUT AGAIN."
Old Gentleman. "YOU ARE A VERY SAUCY, IMPUDENT WOMAN, AND I'LL CERTAINLY SUMMON YOU!"
Conductress. "THANK YE, SIR! (To Driver.) GO ON, SARAH; NEVER MIND THE OLD COVE."
"AND SERVE HER RIGHT TOO—EXTRAVAGANCE IN A MAN IS, IN SOME DEGREE, EXCUSABLE, FOR HE KNOWS NO BETTER—BUT, IN A WOMAN, IT IS QUITE UNPARDONABLE."
Inferior Animal. "OH DEAR! MISS BROWN! HERE'S A FISH TAKEN ALL MY BAIT. DO COME AND PUT ON ANOTHER WORM!"
Visitor (who is looking at the Print of the Bloomer Costume). "WELL, NOW, UPON MY WORD, I DON'T SEE ANYTHING RIDICULOUS IN IT. I SHALL CERTAINLY ADOPT IT."
Strong-minded Lady. "FOR MY PART, I SO THOROUGHLY DESPISE CONVENTIONALITY, THAT I HAVE ORDERED ALL MY NEW THINGS TO BE MADE IN THAT VERY RATIONAL STYLE!"
Superior Creature. "SAY! OH, SAY, DEAREST! WILL YOU BE MINE?" &c., &c.
Old Gentleman. "BEFORE I CAN ENTERTAIN YOUR PROPOSAL, AND GIVE MY CONSENT TO YOUR MARRYING MY SON, I MUST ASK YOU WHETHER YOU ARE IN A POSITION—A—TO—A—KEEP HIM IN THE STYLE TO WHICH—A—I MAY SAY—HE HAS ALWAYS BEEN ACCUSTOMED? AHEM!"
Maid. "IF YOU PLEASE, MISS, THE DRESSMAKER HAS BROUGHT HOME YOUR NEW—AHEM—FROCK."
Bloomer. "MAY I HAVE THE PLEASURE OF DANCING THE NEXT POLKA WITH YOU?"
Strong-minded Female. "NOW, DO PRAY, ALFRED, PUT DOWN THAT FOOLISH NOVEL, AND DO SOMETHING RATIONAL. GO, AND PLAY SOMETHING ON THE PIANO; YOU NEVER PRACTISE NOW YOU'RE MARRIED."
First Sporting Gent (reads). "'CAUTION.—NO HORSEMAN WILL, ON ANY ACCOUNT, BE ALLOWED TO FOLLOW THE RACEHORSES OVER THE STEEPLE-CHASE COURSE.' DEAR ME! HOW PROVOKING! I SHOULD A LIKED TO HAVE POPPED OVER THIS BROOK!"
Second Gent thinks they had better not interfere with any of the Regulations.
'Arry Belville. "YES! I LIKE IT EXTREMELY. I LIKE THE Lazy Ally SORT OF FEELING. I LIKE SITTING AT THE DOOR OF A Caffy TO SMOKE MY CIGAR; AND ABOVE ALL (onter noo) IT'S A GREAT COMFORT TO WEAR ONE'S BEARD WITHOUT BEING LARFED AT!"
French Official. "YOU HAVE PASSPORT?"
English Gent. "NONO, MOSSOO."
Official. "YOUR NAME?"
Gent. "BELVILLE."
Official. "CHRISTIAN NOM?"
Gent. "'ARRY!"
Official. "PROFESSION?"
Gent. "BANKER!"
Belville. "AHEM! PARDONG MOSSOO!—ESKER VOUS AVEY-A-SUCH A CHOSE AS A-A-UNE POT—A-THAT IS A-A-UNE PO YOU KNOW-DE-DE-DE BEAR'S GREASE? COMPRENNY?—BEAR'S GREASE?"
"WO—MARE. HANG IT!—ANYTHING IN REASON I DON'T MIND; BUT, AS A FATHER OF A FAMILY, I DON'T FEEL JUSTIFIED IN GOING AT SUCH A GATE AS THAT."