Have I patience to think of such small fry, when I speak of the greatness of everything at Twentifold Towers, and for miles around? Not a cold, rigid, and stuck-up greatness, such as you must fold your arms to look at, and thank the Lord, in private, that you are not like it; but a warmth of beauty and of kindness shed abroad, which set me on the flutter, when I came to feel it; though my mother had provided me with fifteen pounds of lead, in the hollow at the bottom of my chest. But, at first I was frightened, as you may suppose, and kept asking myself what good would be my best clothes, even to play in, at such a place? Then Lady Twentifold came out, and kissed me, and looked at the tears in my eyes with love—because she had lost a little boy like me—and my heart went to her, so that I saw nothing of the height or size of anything, so long as I could see her, and think about her, and feel how good she was to me.
"You will see a great friend, by and by," she said. "What a distinguished boy you are, to have formed such lofty friendships! And chiefly because of your bodily gift of weighing less than you ought to weigh. Why, a boy, with the mind of a Shakespeare to come, might pour forth poem after poem, and nobody care to inquire into him. Even Professor Megalow, universal as he is, might never even chance to hear of him."
"Oh, is it Professor Megalow?" I asked, with glad excitement. "I am not afraid of any place, when I know that he is near it."
"Ariel, how unkind of you! If we ill-treat you, spread your wings. But I have not even seen your great friend yet. He will not be here, till dinner-time. He is carving, what he cares for more than anything we can offer—a poor dead whale at Crowton Naze."
Now, behold the reward of virtue—for in the present state of this wicked world, it may be taken as a high reward to escape the pains of punishment! If I had gone, as an Admiral's son, to Twentifold Towers, how should I have looked, when Professor Megalow, knowing all about us, and having smelled our works afar—which probably helped to draw him towards us, for congenial nutriment—now came up, with that large sweet smile, which spreads all over his face and body, and said, "My dear little friend, how are you?"
This was the first time I ever beheld him in evening dress, and he astonished me; because a very old hat had always been part of his equipment. He may have contrived to leave it somewhere, for he cannot have come with a good one. Neither was that the only thing in his present appearance amazing; for he had put himself into a black velvet coat, as the smartest thing he could find in his trunk; and grand, I can tell you, he looked in it. From daybreak until he had to go and wash, he had been at work at that great whale, not only directing a mob of clod-hoppers, how to hop about upon a whale, but also, with his own iron arms, performing all work that called for skill and strength. And yet, there was no sign of work about him; neither any talk, or thought of work; and he would not be made (though Lady Twentifold tried her best to make him, and so did Sir Roland with downright "fishers"—as we used to call tapping a master at school, to do a hard sentence for us), by no manner of means could he be brought to speak, as if he wanted to be listened to.
This was the very thing that I had known, ever since he first came, with the other four Professors. Of them there was not one that would leave off talking, for the sake of the public, or of one another, or even for his own sake; neither would they breathe enough, to let another voice in; but the measure of every man's mind was his lungs. And to countervail this, it has been laid down by nature, that the men who have something to say don't say it.
But, though this Professor, in his leisure time, would play round the edge of his learning, rather than plunge other people into it; it was quite impossible for even me (a careless, and light-headed boy) to be with him, without learning something. And my firm belief is, that although I know very little, at this time of writing, whatever I have learned of larger things than little human creatures, was gained upon that whale, where the great mind came to study the great body.
My dear mother always says, and allows no contradiction about it, that this whale, being all bones and blubber, had no right whatever to come ashore there, and to set me against my father's trade. She declares that all science is full of smells, a thousand times worse than we make; and that all their fuss about drains is just, that they may get themselves cleaned up, for nothing. All the people before her, in generation, lived to be ninety, without any drain upon them; except her own parents, and why did they die? Why, because there was a drain carried through their garden; and the smell came in, and choked them!
In support of this view, there is much to be said; and according to my own experience, ten people are killed, by the making and opening of drains, for one who can hope in his lungs, that he breathes better air when near them. Nature has designed the human race, to stand well apart on the face of the earth, and not huddle up in hillocks, as the emmets do; and their certainty of fighting, when they get too thick, shows this, without further argument. And another thing that proves it, is the fact, that when they clot together, they make drains; which destroy everybody who is fond of them. My father was as well as any man could be, till what they call "sanitary engineering" broke his constitution; and the lively smells, that our works had scattered, were bottled into deadly poison.
As yet, I was too young to understand such matters, or even to give a thought to them; but the standing I took upon that whale, and the pleasure with which I went into him, did a great deal for me, in the good opinion (than which there could be no better one) of the kind Professor Megalow. Roly would not come anigh our operations, after one experiment, and a short one; but I, with my quickness and lightness of tread, was of some little service, I do believe, in the cause of harmless science. I learned all the names of the Professor's tools, and could bring them to him, without wanting any ladder; and any little cut, that could be made without much strength, I could make under his direction, while he was at the bigger work. He did not attempt to get all the skeleton, greatly as he longed to do so; for this was no whale to be found every day, but one who had no business here; and his name was something like chocolate. The Professor sighed heavily; as his bones grew more, and more, attractive, and hung over us, like a great arbour drooped with a fine lot of creepers; but he knew, long since, what it is to depend, for money, upon the Government. Lucky would he be, to get the head, and fins, and tail, and some odds and ends, if a dozen rival claimants would let him have so much.
"That whale is mine," said Lady Twentifold; "he chose to land on my property, and I give him to Professor Megalow; not to the Government, that won't pay a penny, but to the Professor, to put in his own garden."
"That whale belongs to me," said the local receiver of the droits of the Admiralty; "the foreshore is vested in the Crown, and the Admiralty represents the Crown."
"Clearly, there can be no question," said the man, who represented the Trinity House, "that the whale is ours; and we mean to have him."
Then there came a lawyer, employed by the crew of the boat who had first harpooned him; and another retained by the men who stuck him last; and another by a captain who had espied him go down; and another by a fisherman who headed him ashore; and one by the Coast-guard, who had seen him stranded first; and two by a man who had foretold the weather, and kept his ropes ready, though he never had to use them. But, in spite of all these claims, the men who got him, or at least got all the best of him, were the men who made no claim at all; but came down, with carts and casks, and helped themselves.
For my part, I thought it not only unjust, but stupid, that I should work so hard, and establish a right, as the Professor said, to a very considerable share of blubber, and my father not get a pailful! I wrote to him, beginning with a line of Latin—not so much to accredit my learning, as to make him pay proper attention,—and after that, I said that here there was any quantity of stuff, such as he could never get, for love or money, (unadulterated), and it was to be had, for the asking; or rather for taking, without asking. I told him, how it shone in the sun, and held together, and took different colours as you looked at it; and I was sure that he would make his fortune; because he could get it for nothing, and make it mix up into everything. And I was certain of stirring him up, and getting five shillings, by return of post, when I added—"Everybody says that Mr. Barlow, of Happystowe candle-works, will make a thousand pounds, out of this poor whale, that is being cut up by me, and Professor Megalow."
My mother was kind enough to answer; but without any sort of reference to business. My father took no more notice of my letter, than if I had sent him a bark of Grip's, instead of a pill-box, filled with sample from my own knife, at a place where the blubber was more than fourteen inches thick. And this goes some way to prove, that his mind was already on the rise above the smaller details, and getting into larger views of lofty subjects, such as chemical researches, political œconomy, and even Government contracts. And it turned out afterwards, as you will see, that he was right in attending to these wholesale sizes.
Dear mother sent me half a crown in stamps, for fear of my changing the half-sovereign, and related a beautiful dream she had enjoyed, about me, and Professor Megalow, standing on the whale, with our wings spread out. "She knew, from all the pictures, what a whale was like, and hoped (for the sake of my new overcoat) I kept out of the way, when he spouted. And, if I could bring a piece of genuine bone, for the sake of her stays, it would be such a comfort, for everything now was adulterated; and their want of spring ran into her. And then, she added, that she did not think I had better write a line to Polly Windsor (though she sent me a message from Polly, to say that I ought to have done it long ago), because it was not so well to go too far, and create expectations, which might come to nothing. Her own opinion was, that after my last fly, and the high society it led to, there was no telling what might be before me, in the family way, and otherwise. But above all, she begged me, for her dear sake, not to trust to the grand dinners I got here, and their turtle and their venison, and their Aspic jelly, but to keep the tongue of the buckle of my lead-belt in the third hole from the end; for, if the wind took me, out over the sea, what could Lady Twentifold, and the whale, and even the great Professor do?"
I was quite content to save fingers from pen, in the direction of Polly Windsor. Polly was very well in her way; when she chose to be pleased, and look pretty. Moreover, she was a very well-grown girl, with broad shoulders, and big arms, and long brown hair, and her feet so truly a pair, that she never could tell her right shoe from her left. And from her mother she had inherited so much strength of dignity, that, if I went to kiss her, when the mood was not in liking, or if she saw me trying it with any of her enemies, she would take me up with one hand, and lay me on the cinders. But I must not say too much of that; or Sir William Chumps will be down upon me.
We had promised to marry one another; ever since she had her first pink slips, and I went into trousers; but I never vowed not to speak to any other girl, nor to let her box my ears, and say "thank you, dear;" as she seemed to believe that I had done. And surely, it is no great reproach upon me, that now, in this busy time, I never thought about her, unless I got something very good to suck, and wished that she were there to have a bit. For it must be understood, that Professor Megalow, could not do a good stroke of work without me, according to the very best of my belief; and as he was lodging at Crowton Naze, which was more than three miles from the Towers, and as he must get to work, the moment that the sunlight came over the sea into the wattles of the whale, there was no help for it, but that I must be up, by the crow of a cock, who lived under my window; for not a serving man, or ruling woman, at the Towers, would take sixpence a day, to get up so soon. Sir Roland called me a confounded fool, and said that I came there to play, and not to work; and even Lady Twentifold was vexed with me. But, like everybody else, she fell under the enchantment of the Professor's eyes, and smile. And I did hear my lady's favourite maid declaring to her cousin, who had to make my bed, that "you should have seen my lady's face, when she was told, by a friend who pretended to know all about him, that the Professor had been married, for several years."
At any rate, he worked as hard, as if he had a large small family to keep; and I was told afterwards, and can well believe (because he was under the Government) that he would have been paid, more than twice as much, if he had done less than half the work. But neither of us gave a thought to that. Our object was to walk off with the whale, or so much of him as was moveable; before the twelve lawyers, who were hard at work, could get an order from the Courts, to stop us. And luckily, this was the season of the year, when the law (like a Python) retires for three months, to digest its swallowings. Moreover, when a boat's crew of people, (who care for the law, about as much as science does) that is to say, blunt fishermen came with intention of landing at high water, and storming the whale, who was well drawn up,—even the Professor could not have stopped them (though Lady Twentifold's bailiff was there, to back him up, through thick and thin), if once those fellows could have landed. By saying to Grip "have a care, my boy," I was able to do a good turn to our cause; for he knew a gun better than I did, and feared no other thing on earth, but that. One look into the boat convinced him that these rogues had got no fire-arms; and as soon as he had knocked over two, who desired to land, the rest held parley.
"Our coast-guard will be withdrawn, next week," the Professor assured them, in his kind and solid way; and whether they misunderstood his meaning, and believed the Preventive men to be in possession, or whether they were glad of some good reason for withdrawal; at any rate they withdrew as promptly, as every one of English race does now, when it might prove troublesome to go on. Moreover, they showed a grand contempt for us; which the mere act of running away exhibits. And in all probability they were wise; for Grip had struck back upon ancestral qualities, as some few Englishmen do, even yet. By slow, and solid holding of his own, he had thrashed all the Twentifold Tower dogs, every one of whom was to have eaten him; and now he was living on whalebone, and every muscle was as hard as wire. If mental analogy counts for aught, against low physical resemblance, Grip was far more akin to the English race, than the present generation is.
The Professor was delighted with all these works; and, as soon as we had finished, and packed up the results, he laid his hand upon my head. Upon his own, he had a velvet cap; and the whole of his face was one sweet smile.
"Tommy," he said, looking steadfastly at me, and swinging a little from side to side, for he always stood with his head well back, and his heels a trifle forward; "what a help you have been, my dear little Tommy—a truly strongsiding champion! Now, before I go, to see your good works stowed away in our dark recesses, tell me what I can do for you, to show the gratitude of the nation." He was fond of talking in this style, making small things great, and great things small.
"If you please, sir," I said, after thinking awhile, for I believed that he could do anything; "I should be so glad, if you could stop me, from having to go up in the air so."
Professor Megalow's bright smile changed into a smile of sadness. He began to rub his well-established nose, in the fork of his finger and thumb; and then he whistled, and put his hands into his trouser pockets.
"Oh yes, sir, you can, if you like;" I said, taking hold of one thumb, which he had left out; "there is nothing of the things that can be done, that you can't do, when you like, sir. I only want to be able to take off this lead, that makes me blue all round, and to leave these heavy things behind; and get to feel the ground under my feet go firm; as it seems to do, with everybody else but me. I have longed so often to ask you, sir; but I did not like, until you asked me. Oh, Sir Megalo-micro-sauros, do try to help me, if I have helped you."
He had told me to call him "Micro-sauros" once, when I stuck fast with his proper name,—"for our origin now is established, my Tommy; and yet, we may modify our pedigrees. My proclivities show me to be devolved, in a very degenerate, and underfed form, from the mighty race of Saurians." And as cause, and effect, interlace each other, he spent his life, in dissecting his ancestors.
"Thomas," he said now, for whenever he spoke in a very solid vein, he called me that; "Thomas, my boy, be contented with that, which has been ordained concerning you. Yours is not the only instance of what our friends call Meiocatobarysm; the meaning of which you have Greek enough now, as well as experience enough to know. The form of life, in which you find yourself, is perhaps the happiest among all, with which we are as yet acquainted—to wit, that of an English boy, of the middle class, well-fed, well-taught, well-played (if I may be allowed the expression), dressed, quite as well as he cares to be, and walking about at his leisure, with an eye down the manifold vistas of mischief. In a few years, Thomas will have changed all that. He will find himself bound to pay rates, and taxes, and never know when he has paid them right; to go to his office, with a compressor on his head, and measure his words, like poison; to doubt his very oldest friends, and be hearty with people he can't bear the sight of; and to go home at night, with the certainty that one run of bad luck may ruin him. Thomas, be happy while you can."
"But, sir," I answered; "how can I be happy, when everybody expects me to go up? No one else, in the world, is expected to go up; because he couldn't do it, if he tried. And I can't go up, more than once in a way; even if my mother would allow me. And yet, I am always getting blamed, by a number of people, for not going up. Even Roly is down upon me now, to do it; and because I won't try, but keep working at the whale, he seems to be getting tired of me."
"Tommy, that is sad; and yet a natural result. To my far less remarkable self, it has happened; when kind friends expected me to rise too fast. Reserve yourself, Tommy; and preserve your self-respect. But would you be really glad, my boy, to lose this special gift of yours? Remember, that if you do, you cease to attract any public attention—doubtful benefit as that may be. Do you really wish, to be unable to pirouette in the air again?"
Professor Megalow, in the kindest manner, put both hands on my shoulders, and fixed his very large clear eyes on mine. It was hopeless for any one, looked at thus, to tell a lie; neither was my nature that.
"If you please, sir," I said, "there is nothing I like better, than to be taken for a wonder of the world, and to read a whole column in the Newspapers about me, beginning with 'Unparalleled phenomenon.' But what I can't bear is, to be always bothered to do it, for people to look at; and to be laughed at, as if I were a rogue, or else a curmudgeon, when I don't go up, to order. Sometimes, I have been tempted to pull my weights off—but I promised my mother, that I never would do that. And you know, sir, that I can only go up, now and then; and always, when I don't want to do it. And when I come down again, I am so stupid; and my head goes round, for hours."
"The natural result of anything counter to the ordinary laws of earth. Have you anything more to explain, concerning your wishes, so far as you know them?"
"No, sir, except that I should like once, to go up, if it was only as high as his hat, when my father was there, to see me do it. Because he is so cock-sure that I can't do it; and he calls it nothing but a pack of lies. And, somehow or other, I assure you, sir, I am just like a lump of lead, when father is looking at me."
"A common complaint of the Mediums, Tommy, of the effect incredulity has on them. But, my dear little anthropic nautilus, I can do nothing, either to make, or mar your excursions over my own head. As I have told you before, there is nothing exceptional in your formation; only it happens, that your bodily contour is exactly such as to promote the tendencies of your specific levity. Do you understand me, noble volant?"
"Well, sir, I think that I do a little; but not very clearly, until I get older. Bodily contour means the turning of my body, when I go up; doesn't it?"
"No, Tommy, no. It means physical outline; if that is any clearer to you. You give me a lesson in lucidity, as the cant of the day calls clearness. To put what I mean, into the vulgar tongue—which is the least vulgar of all just now—your outward shape is especially fitted, to help the lightness of your material, in conquering the power of gravitation. Your chest is very large, and can be much expanded; your head is rather small, and of little substance, but endowed with a mass of curls, which take the wind, like a mop being trundled; your feet are very hollow and receive the air; and the palms of your hands are concave. Above all, your stomach, my dear little friend, or rather your hypogastrium, has a curve, which requires continual attention, in the way of aliment. If neglected, this lends itself at once to inferior pressure. But with all these qualifications, Tommy, you might defy the breezes, if you only had a stable mind, and bones a little more like mine."
The Professor had goodly bones of his own, as behoves a great osteologist; whereas mine are very small, and slight, and it takes some time to find them. But I saw no way to increase their size; and before I could ask, if such there were, Sir Roland came cantering up, and behind him appeared his mother, in a pony-carriage, together with her lovely child, Miss Laura.
"Oh, how we shall miss you!" exclaimed my dear lady—as I was allowed to call her—"Professor Megalow, if I establish my right to the residue of that whale, I shall have it preserved, and a gallery made, in gratitude for all that we have learned from you."
"I heartily hope that you will," he replied, gracefully lifting his velvet cap, as he always did at a compliment; "then there will be some excuse, for me to come down, and have another carve at him."
"Professor," cried Sir Roland, who was always wanting something; "there is one thing that you must do, before you go, for the finishing touch to our gratitude. You must send Tommy up, in this nice quiet reach, without any fellow here to shoot at him; and we'll tie this kite-string to his belt, after we have taken the lead out; to make sure of his not drifting out to sea."
"Tommy, and I, are very warm allies," my great friend answered gravely; "and unless you behave most respectfully to him, I shall tie the kite-string to you, and with her ladyship's permission, send up you."
That was a very fine moment for me, who have been compelled by my peculiar case, to keep such a sharp look-out, what all the people around me are thinking of. In every condition of things, even my best friends have always considered it a nice little piece of excitement, and a pleasure entirely due to them, that I should go up, and encounter all risk, while they remained below, with the heartiest wishes for my safe deliverance.
Sir Roland Towers-Twentifold looked at the Professor, as if to say, at first, "You could not do it, if you tried." The Professor regarded him, with earnest sadness, as much as to say—"Don't make me try; because it might be so bad for you." Then Roly, in doubt and alarm, glanced towards his mother; who had said that he knew no fear. Her eyes were saddened with a gleam of tears, for she had long made up her mind, that the great Professor could do anything permitted by the laws of England. Yet honour, and fine sentiment, forbade her to forbid, that her son should do a thing, which he had urged a friend to do. The wise man enjoyed the situation for a moment; then perceived that it was painful to kind and good friends, and at once relieved them.
"I withdraw my proposal, which was rashly made;" he said to Lady Twentifold, with that wonderful mixture of nod and wink, which had neither nod in it, nor wink, perceptible, and yet conveyed the force of both; "I am truly glad, that I did not give your dauntless son time to accept my offer. Perhaps it would have puzzled me, if he had. Especially as my train will be due in an hour, and the drive to the Station takes forty minutes. Is there any gratitude, in the sons of men? If there be, how little time have I left to express it—and yet the wisest plan; for no length of time would suffice me!"
He lifted her white hand to his lips, in the gallant manner, which became him well; and my dear lady bowed over it, and turned to her carriage, with a little sigh, which conveyed to the ponies—if they understood their mistress—that it was through no default of hers, that they never would be guided by a strong male hand.
I have often been taunted, by people who know nothing (multiplied into a million fibs) about me, that my mind is as volatile as my body, and goes about, in an unsettled manner, for want of the leaden belt, which motherly care so long kept round my stomach. It is equally needless, and useless, to present reason to such irrationals; and I try to be proud, in my loftier moments, of affording them amusement, which amuses me.
But, to reasonable persons, who can hearken to a thing, and take it into common sense, and weigh it—whenever it concerns their own affairs enough—to these (if any) I would simply say, "follow my own history of my own acts, and judge, by my own account, of what nobody else can know so well." And any one, proceeding upon this fair principle, will find more to approve than to condemn in me, however much I may tell against myself.
Hoping that fair-play will prevail—as it generally does in the end—I confess, that at this very tender age of fifteen, I proved for the rest of my holidays, untrue to the image of Polly Windsor. Polly was not there; and even if she had been, how would she have looked, I should like to know, by the side of Laura Twentifold? She was double her size, that is certain at the least; but in quality, oh what a difference! And yet again, manners, and the fear of what I might say greatly against my own interest, enable me to speak in a chastened style; and to do that, I had better leave Polly still absent.
On the very day after Professor Megalow returned to his duties in London, my dear lady comforted her mind, by returning to the place still full of him. You must understand, that the Professor had never been actually staying at the Towers; because, without any other fullgrown gentleman dwelling in the house, it might have looked amiss. So he had his own camping place at Crowton-on-the-Naze, which is ten miles further up the coast than the rising watering-place, called Happystowe. Yet there had not been many days, when he failed to put himself into spruce attire—so far as his nature permitted—and to dine, and make a pleasant evening, with my lady, and her gallant son, Sir Roland. And when he was gone, it could not be helped, that the evenings should grow long, and dull.
It must have been August, and about the middle of it (according to our holidays, which were sadly near their end), when my dear Lady walked down the sands, to talk to an ancient fisherman, about keeping the relics of the whale upright. Roly was gone, with the Keeper, inland, to see about exercising some young dogs, in preparation for the shooting-time; and the lovely little lady, and myself, were left, to look for pretty shells, and to amuse each other. And I never grew tired of obeying her commands; so sweet was her voice, and so gentle were her eyes.
"Now I want to show all these," she said, "to my darling Dorothea, that she may choose exactly what she likes; and it is high time to put her necklace on, that you have made so beautifully, Ariel."
She always called me "Ariel;" because she had heard her mother do it, once or twice, and she said it was so much prettier than "Tommy." And although she was more than ten years old, she had not outgrown the wholesome joy of a little woman in her baby-doll. Dorothea, moreover, was quite young at present, and sweetly instructive in the newest fashions, having only come two days ago from Paris, with the kind introduction of Professor Megalow.
"You may sit down quite close to dear Dorothea; because you are not clumsy and rough, like Roly; who cannot at all enter into the feelings of a lovely and delicate creature, like this. And, Ariel, I am quite sure that Dolly will like you, as soon as she opens her eyes, which are shut now—you must understand—from the sea-air being too much for her. But you must let me put her necklace on, although you have made it so beautifully; not that I would not trust you to do it, but because you cannot understand her hair. It would hardly be proper, if you did, you know."
She was always like this, such a sweet little love; so afraid of hurting anybody's feelings, and so ready to think everybody good. When I sat down near her, on a bank of bed-rushes, with the doll sitting carefully between us, I could not help feeling ungrateful in my heart, for the prospect of Miss Polly Windsor to-morrow. And I could not quite fancy that Maiden Lane—though alive with delights of its proper class—could supply such contentment to sight, and thought (not that I put it so grandly then) as the place I sate in, and the things I saw. For the tide was coming in, with pleasant feeling of the air, and ready briskness of the things, that had been waiting for it. At every short step that it made in advance—for the waves toddled in, like babies—there was some pretty thing, starting up in front, to run, and to glisten before it. But the prettiest thing of all sate there by me.
"You are always at work," she said, "always doing something. Why do people want us to be educated so? Those funny letters are all Greek, I know; because Roly has got some that he learns at Harrow. But he doesn't seem to like it, more than I like French; and he puts it in a cupboard, for the holidays. Ariel, why should you work more than Roly does? He never does a thing, unless he likes it."
I had thought this out, and my reply was ready. "Roly will be a rich man, and I shall not. He belongs to great people, and I belong to small ones. He will get on all the same, whether he works, or not."
"Then I call that as unfair as anything can be. And I could not have believed it, though I know you tell the truth, unless I had heard of such things before. We all ought to work, to do good, of course; but not in the middle of the holidays."
"I have got to go back to old Rum, on Monday;" I answered, with a wistful gaze at her; "and unless I can say a hundred lines of Homer, beginning at the place where we left off, cracks will be the word, and no mistake. And he's come to be so sharp, from being done so often, that there's not a fellow now with the pluck to run a tib, or a crib, or a leary round the corner. Ton d' apameibomenos is the only cock that fights."
"What a lucky thing it is to be a girl!" She cast her eyes down, after looking at me, to learn my opinion of this sentiment; for that opinion showed itself as opposite as could be, to hers. "I only mean because we don't get cracks, and we don't jump on one another, as they do to you sometimes; oh, Ariel, how can you put up with that? And then they tie a string to your toe at night. What courage it must take, to be a boy!"
"Before Bill Chumps went to Oxford," I replied, while looking at the tiny foot, she put forth on the sand; "he shut up all bullying, in our school. There used to be a lot of it; and after getting taw, or togy, in the playground, and rats in school, a fellow couldn't sleep, for fear of cramp. But Bill set up a different fashion altogether; and the little fellows now begin to cock over us, who are their seniors. I am getting bigger than I used to be, and so well up in the school, that I am very useful, in doing the big fellows' exercises. And they never jump on me, as they used to do, when I couldn't try to fly for them. Grip would have something to say to them, next morning, if they tried it."
"Oh, I do love Grip, because he is so ugly; and I love you, Ariel, because you are so pretty, and so kind, and gentle; and you never do mischief, unless Roly sets you the example. I shall cry, when you go away; I'm sure I shall; and I shall put Dorothea into mourning for you. I don't believe a bit that your papa makes candles; and if he does—how could we go to bed, without them? I should just like to ask people that. And what could they say, I should be glad to know?"
To me this appeared an extremely sensible, and large-minded view of the case, and I did not hesitate to promote it.
"And what would you do without soap, Lady Laura? My father makes soap of the finest quality. A great deal better, as everybody says, than any turned out by Mr. Windsor, though he put his name on every cake—'Windsor's best brown Windsor.' And no better than curds, every square of it."
"Then if I see any of it in my room, I shall throw it straight out of the window, and say 'Please to bring me Ariel's soap.' But you must not call me 'Lady Laura.' My mother is a lady, but I am not; till I marry my cousin, Lord Counterpagne; as they say I shall have to do, when I grow up. But I don't care about him at all, till then. He has got red hair, and his eyes are crooked."
Although it was no concern of mine, this arrangement appeared to me most unfair. But I did not dare to say a word against it.
"Oh, Ariel," my little beauty went on, after taking up her doll, and coaxing it; "can you think of anything so bad, as marrying a person you don't like? Because you can never get away, you know; according to the law of the land, I believe, and according to the Bible. My mother has never said a word about it; but Roly declares that I am bound to do it, and he is always determined to have his own way. Oh, Dorothea, what would you do?"
I knew very little of the world as yet, and in matters above me, I was loth to speak; but I could not help saying—"There is lots of time yet. You may trust me to help you, if you only let me know."
"How stupid I am! I never thought of that;" she turned over towards me, and put up her hands, as if for me to help her; and then suddenly began to stroke my hair, as she had often longed to do, but had hitherto refused my invitation. "I must do it once, before you go, to see how the whole of it is fastened on. Don't be afraid; I won't hurt you, Ariel. I know how Ethel Jones does mine. And if they want to marry me, and I don't like it, all you will have to do, is this—to get into the train, and come down here, and then take off your lead, and fly away with me, and come back when the ceremony is over."
"But how could they do it, without you?" I asked.
"You musn't expect me to be reasonable always;" she answered, and began to play with me, gently, and beautifully, and laughing all the time.
"What a pair of silly little things you are!" Lady Twentifold came upon us suddenly, while Laura was trying to uncurl my hair, and I was offering to kiss her, but afraid to do it; while she was dodging in and out, to tempt me more; "Ariel, you told me this morning, that unless you learned a hundred lines of Greek to-day, you had better not be born, next Monday. And you asked me to write a letter of apology, to your learned Dr. Rumbelow. He is likely to be our new Bishop, I was told this morning; and it will put Roly down, for he made sure that his Master would receive the offer. So I hope that you will never call him 'Old Rum,' any more."
"Old Rum to be the Bishop, my dear lady!" I cried, as if I had quite lost my place. "And who is to be our master, I should like to know? Oh, I won't learn another line; 'twould be trouble thrown away."
My practical conclusion was borne out by facts—sad facts for all sons of the Partheneion. Dr. Rumbelow's luck was a joy to us, at first; because we all liked him, and got off a lot of work. But our joy soon went, and a bad time followed; as we all found out, and pretty quickly too. For the new master's name, was Crankhead, "Ernest Mauleverum Crankhead," M.A., a Cambridge man, and a lofty Wrangler; but without much Greek, as we soon found out.
Now, before I left Twentifold Towers, and returned to the smell of our works,—which had changed very greatly for the worse, while I was away down here,—Sir Roland Towers-Twentifold (being well sixteen, and tall for his age, and of long experience, at one of our largest public schools) took me aside into a saddle-room, wherein he was learning to smoke cigars, and put into a nutshell all the essence of the British Constitution. How I wish, I could remember what he said! But it sank into my mind, too deeply ever to be brought up again; and it blended with, and flourished in, the flower of my life; as liquid manure reappears in bright flowers, "inscripti nomina regum."
"Tommy," he went on, as soon as ever he had put into ten words the lessons of a thousand years, "you will see now, how it is that we don't get on. We never get a man to take the lead, who knows his own mind, and will stick to it, and throw up his situation, rather than carry it on, against his own lights. And then, there come a lot of fellows swarming for first pull, as we rush to the swipes-can after cricket; and the louder any cad is for his rights (which are sure to mean the wrongs of some quieter chap), the surer he is to get served first. Now, can you call this Government?"
"I don't pretend to know much about it," I replied, for we had held some conversation of this kind before; "but my father says, that any business carried on, as the Government of this country is, would have to put its shutters up, within three months, if it started with a hundred thousand pounds. But you mustn't tell any one that he said this; for I believe, by the way he would not answer me, that he has got a fine Government contract, by this time."
"Your father is quite right; he is a man of strong sense;" Sir Roland made answer, as soon as he could, after taking a large puff of smoke the wrong way; "let him get every farthing he can from the Government, and then he will be able to understand them. Why, I might not have got the knowledge that I have, except for a trick that they wanted to play about my cousin Counterpagne, when he comes of age. Counterpagne is soft, and his mother no better; and being of an ancient Tory race, they expected to have things made smooth for them. But I can't stop, to tell you all that now. You are to come back at Christmas, and you shall hear it then. Counterpagne is to marry little Laura, to prevent any mischief to our property, and influence; and between us, we shall send six members up, besides Counterpagne himself in the Peers of course, and me in the Commons, for the Towers' own hole. But, Tommy, look at me, and tell me this. If under a Government, that calls itself Conservative, as the present fellows do, such things can be done, as I was going to tell you; what is to be expected of the Radicals? I'll tell you what; if the Constitution lasts till I am of age, which seems a most unlikely thing—I shall want you, and every man of sense I know, to collect, and put your shoulders to the wheel. Remember that."
I did not at all understand what he meant, although he had spoken several times to this effect. But I promised to do all I could; and was pleased with the thoughts of becoming so important.
"Tommy, you will rise," my friend continued, without asking what I was thinking of; "such a fellow as you are, must go up, unless he makes a downright fool of himself. You can beat me all to fits, in Greek and Latin, though you have only been at a dirty little private school. You have got a most wonderful face of your own; so easy-going, and sweet-tempered, that it makes every fellow think you slow, and drop all jealousy about you. And more than all,—and that alone should be enough to make your fortune—you can draw the attention of the whole world upon you, whenever you please, by going over their heads. I have been very good, in letting you off, without sending you up, a lot of times. But you know that I have done it upon one condition—you must cultivate the art, without any one's knowledge, and be ready to go up, at some great moment, when I give the signal. Pretend, for the present, that you can't do it; but practise, as I told you, more and more. I have shown you the muscles you must try to strengthen, and the places where you must lay on fat. It is nothing in the world, but a kind of swimming; and there everything depends upon your being quite at home. Now, remember what I say; and when you come down at Christmas, I shall put you through your paces, and expect to find you perfect."
"Oh, Roly," I replied, "you talk as lightly as all the men of science did about me. I will do my very utmost to please you, I am sure. But I never expect to be of any service to you. You are learning to smoke, and your smoke goes up; and that makes you think that I can do the same."
"Exactly so, Tommy. A great deal of it went down, until I understood it. And now look at that!"
By going from home, after so many years, we had not only done ourselves no good—in the opinion of our friends, who could not go—but we had opened the door to a swarm of changes, which came rushing in upon the heels of each other. To me, the greatest change of all appeared to have taken place in Maiden Lane itself; for the houses had turned black, and the windows grimy, and the roadway and the pavement (wherever there was any) seemed to cry aloud for washing, and the people too, unconscious as they were of such desire.
Excitement appeared to be the main thing now, and hurry, and suspicion, and no time to look about; whereas both at Happystowe, and Crowton-on-the-Naze, the chief business of the natives was, to look at one another; and when there was no more to be made of that, to consider the meaning of the sand and sea. And taken on the whole, those folk looked wiser, and a great deal happier than ours did.
But to dwell upon that, would be ungraceful now, when I call to mind that our own boiling, and the agitation of my father's engine had a great deal to do with the ferment around us. No sooner had my father returned to business—with Joe Cowl, and the summons, wiped off his conscience, and Billy Barlow's new devices written in his heart—than he found on his desk, he could never tell how, a sealed invitation to tender for soap, for the heads of all the convicts (with average stated), in six great castles, for the improvement of our race. The consumption of soap, per head was given, and a number of smaller particulars, all in print and proper columns; and then the requirement for samples, to be delivered at six places. And in pencil, very faint upon the margin, there was written, "It must not be soft, and it must be strong. Price not to be too low, like the Rads' stuff. Tallow will be wanted soon. Rub this out." There was something so touching in this, and so full of fine feeling, as between man and man, that my father immediately filled his pipe, and had a good smoke to consider it. At one time, his heart warmed up with thinking of the goodwill remaining in politics yet, and the loyalty every one is bound to show to, and expect from, his own side. And yet again, he could not feel sure, that he ought to have any faith at all in this. Why should there be six samples sent, of a stone weight each, to six different places, and all to be left without the money? It looked like a hoax, with Joe Cowl at the root of it, to get a paltry laugh at him; or else a swindle, to get three-fourths of a hundredweight of soap, for nothing. He resolved to act warily, and so he did. "If they mean well to me," he said, "they will never examine my samples."
They meant so thoroughly well to him, that they sniffed at his samples, and found them shocking—for he sent the worst stuff he could lay hand on, for fear of having it stolen—and then they gave an order for sixty tons, to be furnished at once, and sixty more to follow. Our works had never sent out such a lot before, at one delivery; and no wonder that they could not think of me.
"John Windsor shall not have a finger in the pie;" my father said right manfully; "I am not at all sure that his politics are sound. He would lower my quality, to get the next himself. You know how he wanted to run away, Sophy, when that great bombardment came. Let every vat stand upon its own bottom."
"Bucephalus, you are quite right," mother answered; "as you always are, when you get on. Work double tides, Bubbly, and double your hands. Don't let them have a penny, if you can help it."
So grand was the commodity thus produced, with the help of the lessons at Happystowe, that it is remembered to the present day, and cited as the type of excellence. For sanitary purposes it was needed and it not only met but transcended them. There was not a convict left with a stub of hair, though their hair is always bristly; and very few had such constitution, as to keep any roots for future trouble. Universal satisfaction was expressed, and my father put up the Royal Arms, twice as big as the knacker's across the road, and done in thicker timber. "Thoroughly candid, and straight-forward," he said to every one who spoke of it; "good value for money, good money for value. Public confidence met, by private industry, enterprise, and honour. I serve them exactly as I should serve you. Just to turn five per cent. on my money, and no more. If any man calls that exorbitant, let him come and do it cheaper."
The only thing at all mysterious was the requirement for six samples, to be delivered at six places far apart. But that was explained most pleasantly, so that my father rubbed his hands, and chuckled, while he was reading the debates, in the early part of the following session. A figuresome member of the Opposition, who thought himself fit to be Chancellor of the Exchequer, had given notice of a question, concerning a certain contract for soap, to be supplied to Her Majesty's penal establishments, etc., with dates, and other insinuations. And he made a very hasty speech about it, confounding the post, and the propter hoc; quite as if my father, whom he dared to call a "wholly unknown manufacturer," had been preferred for a lucrative contract, because of his behaviour at election-time! So far as wickedness can be good, this man spoke well, having got up all his facts; and he sate down in triumph, as he thought.
But before he had time to digest his cheers, the gentleman, who was to reply got up, with a beautiful smile, and a very pleasant glance at a paper laid before him, "I am furnished with particulars, from the head of the department, concerning this heinous transaction, sir," he said; "and I find that large samples were delivered in six quarters, widely apart, and wholly unconnected; the names of which I will read, if desired." Loud cheers followed from every corner of the House—for nobody likes to have his own rights interfered with—and the speaker concluded, "I will ask for no apology. From the Honourable Member for Clap-trap, it would be of no more value than his imputation."
"Well," said my father, when he had read this twice; "I call that something like a Government. If we only get a few more contracts, Sophy, we'll send Tommy into the House to see about them. There might be a stranger thing, my dear, than a long blue paper for ten thousand pounds, with "Thomas Upmore" signed for Her Majesty above, and "Bucephalus Upmore," for himself below. What a rage John Windsor will be in, when he reads about those six samples, and not one of them gone out of his gate! I had sense enough to keep the whole of that inside my own waistcoat."
Now, it would have been good, and even pleasant for the public—lustily though they condemned us, at the time—if the only increase of activity shown in those parts had come out of our chimneys. But there always is a mob of people, who never will leave well alone; and these had got up deputations, petitions, memorials, circulars, indignation meetings, committees, commissions, and worst of all missiles, concerning the wholesome smell we made, and had made before some of their fathers were born. When the unenlightened mass of minds falls into this bubonic fever of excitement, the right thing to administer is gruel, in the form of general promises, a desire to hear all that can be said, and a thoroughly unselfish gratitude towards those, who have made the worst of you. But my father had never possessed this wisdom, which belongs of sweet right to the Liberals; and whether on the ground of true British principle, or the Royal Arms, or the money coming in, he took a firm stand, with his hands in his pockets, and his legs well apart, and defied the public.
"Every blessed flue of mine," he said, "have gone ten feet higher, since I were a boy; and with present foundations, can't go no higher. Before folk grumble, their place is to stump up. If every cantankerous fellow, who don't know a wholesome smell by the touch of it, would put down a half-crown, if he has got one, instead of signing lies against me, I don't know but what I might lay foundations, and change my insurance, and go twenty foot higher. Though a heap of disease would break out, I expect. Look at the plants in my bed-room window, scarlets, and blue things, and lilies of the Nile! Is there any man, or woman, round these parts, half so good-looking, or so sweet to come by? They like it rarely, and so would you, if you understood what is good for you. And who was here first, you, or I, and my fathers, for three generations of boilers? We didn't want the houses; they came round us; every brick of them was laid, with my smoke to set it. And very good neighbours they have always been, till this scientific stuff came up, about cur-bones, and oxen, and the Lord knows what! I tell you what—if you don't like it, budge yourself, but you won't budge me."
Such speeches only made the fuss grow louder; until the authorities felt themselves compelled to do something sanatory. There was no "Metropolitan Board of Works," as yet, I believe; or if there was, it never came up our way. But the Vestry of St. Pancras had many stormy meetings, which my father deigned not to attend; but his workmen were there in great force, and made more noise than our new steam-engine. In short, the matter came (as every matter does now, and the practice already was beginning) to what is called "a reasonable and satisfactory compromise, conciliating all interests." The complaint of the public had been about the air, and the noxious exhalations, and vile odours, as they chose to call them. But who can see the air? Who can tell what is in it? It varies with every puff of wind. Let us turn to something tangible. The earth is a thing that can be dealt with, and the earth is at the bottom of every mischief on the face of it. So, to cure the smell of our chimneys, they ordered a four-foot culvert down our valley, where the course of the old Fleet-stream had been; and the voice of the public went off to it.
This being settled, my father was enabled to make tenfold the smells he had ever made before, without any one hoisting a handkerchief. An inquisitive stranger would sometimes ask, whether this neighbourhood was always choked with vapours, which he coarsely stigmatized. A piece of valuable advice, common (yet neglected universally) about the prior claims of his own affairs, was the only reward for his sympathies. What right had a fellow, with a walking-stick, to come grumbling against our rate-payers, and their engineers, and contractors? Measures were being taken, or at any rate were in contemplation; and every man with a horse and cart would get fifteen shillings a day for them.
But alas, how little do we forecast, while we vindicate, our own welfare! It would have been better for my dear father—as upright and downright a man as ever lived—to have gone to the expense of a new chimney-stack one hundred feet high, or even to have put out all his fires, than to have helped to bring that drain, down our hitherto Maiden valley. The soil in the bottom was of concentrated essence, combining all the density of bygone generations with the volatile relics of their labours. It would grow almost anything, if only scratched, and no healthier place for a walk could be found; but wisdom is not justified of her fathers, when she goes to turn them up.
In happy ignorance of woes impending, I went back to the Partheneion, and found the whole establishment turned upside down. Grip came with me, as a thing of course, and found his old barrel standing on its head, and a notice upon it in large letters—"No dogs allowed." If anything rouses the juvenile spirit, such rude breach of prescription does it. With the help of Jack Windsor, who was quite of my mind, I replaced the barrel in its old position, which was snug in a corner impregnable to guns, and I fastened him there with his own long chain, and said, "Now defend yourself, old boy. I have got lots of money, and you shall not starve." He fully understood the situation; and if any demand for sympathy arose, it would be on behalf of the individual attempting to dislodge him.
Then all of us were summoned to the hall, to hear an oration from the "Principal"—as he styled himself, to start with—our new schoolmaster, Ernest Mauleverum Crankhead, a short brisk gentleman, quite young, with a pale square face, a yellow moustache, and very quick bronzy eyes, which never took two seconds' rest upon anything. Accustomed as we were to the long grave countenance, waving white locks, and calm abstracted gaze of our simple old Dr. Rumbelow, we could not believe that we saw the new man; until he stood up at what he called the rostrum, and hit it three times, with an ivory hammer.
"Going, going, gone!" Jack Windsor whispered; and gone was the glory of the Partheneion. We knew it, we felt it, without a word uttered, our hearts fell into the heels of our socks; and no boy thought twice of the things in his pocket. Our account would be with a sharp hand now, a resolute, and a malignant one; and what was worst of all, and which a boy descries at the very first glance,—we should not have to deal with a gentleman. "I shall never go up any more," thought I.
I remember very little of what Crankhead said; and none of it is worth repeating. But he gave us to understand, that the sooner we forgot everything we had learned hitherto, and began on lines entirely new, the better it would be for our own minds, and what mattered far more, our success in life. For the few, whose parents might still be benighted enough to insist upon Greek and Latin, a Classical Master would be kept, but the College—for such he had the cheek to call it—would henceforth aim at a loftier mark. Science was the noble, and simple distinction, the all-absorbing element of this age. Mankind had been lying on their backs till now, looking up at the stars, and at imaginary Powers; now they arose, and asserted their rights, and their kinship to every organic being, and the interchangeability of everything. Classes for science would be formed to-morrow, under the charge of the four most eminent Professors of the period, Professors Brachipod, and Jargoon, Chocolous, and Mullicles!
At the sound of their names, these gentlemen appeared. Conscience, and prudence, alike induced me to push Jack Windsor in front of me, because he was both broad and thick.
Being older now, by several years, than when I had expected to be cut up all alive, and having been taught by Professor Megalow, that science is not of necessity cruel, I managed to sleep pretty well that night, and resolved to be brave in the morning. And truly there was no great need for courage; which rather disappointed me, and cast a slur upon my value, as a boy of exceptional interest. Not one of the four Professors took the trouble to look twice at me; each had his whole time taken up, in fighting for his own tongue, and purse. Their payment was to be by head of pupils—whether they fitted the head, or not—and being four in number, they put universal knowledge into four departments, each with a bigger name than the other. And each of our chaps, without ever having heard what the meaning of these big names was, had to put down his own (however short it might be) under sixteen columns, out of thirty-two, headed with the titles of the mysterious studies. Each of the Professors was to take eight sciences, for the subjects of his lectures; and most unfairly we were not allowed to know the human names presiding over each humanity. Every single boy of us wanted to sign to be under Professor Chocolous; not only because (as a general rule) great fun can be had with a German, and he is nearly always easy-tempered, familiar, and kind-hearted; but also because we had heard of his ambition to transmit a nascent tail to his descendants, and what could be finer than to help in its establishment? And next to him, we wanted to be under Mullicles, although about him we knew very little; except that he looked very soft, and expected to be disintegrated, without notice, into his component particles. On the other hand, Brachipod was as sharp, and full of points, as a cupping instrument; and Jargoon as dry, and creaky with long words, as a slow steam-roller pounding granite.
With heavy dismay I sate down, and gazed at the broad sheet laid before me. At the top were placed alphabetically the names of the thirty-two sciences proposed; names which it must have been anguish to conceive, agony to pronounce, and despair to remember. Under each name was a column, for the hapless victim to inscribe his own; and at the bottom a merciful notice—"No pupil need enter for more than sixteen of the above studies, during the present term. But all will be expected, in the ensuing term, to proceed to those which they now pretermit. The fee for each course of lectures is one guinea, payable in advance."
Although I could get on with Homer pretty well, and had read the first book of Herodotus, and one of "Porson's Four," and some Xenophon, it took me a long time to make out the name of any one of those sciences. I turned to my Lexicon, and sought for some, and for others I hunted in my Latin Dictionary, and seemed to get near some, but not to be sure; while of others there was no vestige. I was not aware yet, that the authors of these words are as rash with the Classics, as they are with logic, and maltreat the dead languages, as freely as the living.
"I'll tell you what I'll do," Jack Windsor said; "I'll go in for all thirty-two; and let father stump up, if he's got the blunt for it. Here goes 'John Windsor,' thirty twice over."
What a flood of light those plain words shed on my foggy, and thickly-fibred brain, unwitting as yet of the Athenian prototypes of all the Pansophists, pea for pea, in the pods of Aristophanes! The blunt was the point of all points with these hungry professors; and none could be got out of me. And yet, I should never have thought of that, without Jack's plain way of putting it. So I squared my elbow, and sprang my pen, and took care that the ink in it was not too round, and I said, "Don't jerk my elbow, Jack; it is no time for larks of any sort." And then I wrote, in fair hand, across all thirty-two columns, these simple words. "Father don't pay for extras. They tried it on before, but he would not have it. Signed, Thomas Upmore; witness, John Windsor."
This was a bold stroke of mine; and it succeeded, as a bold stroke often does, when it has the force of truth behind it. As soon as all these signatures of zealots for new learning (of whom a great many could not spell their own names) had been received in "Council," by our new Principal, and his four "highly-cultured coadjutors"—oh Lord, where is good English buried?—there came a squeaky call, from their sacred cell (as different from old Rum's sonorous, "send him hither," as the cry of a mouse behind the wainscot is from the roar of a lion) and the boy who had the longest ears made it out to be—"the presence of Thomas Upmore is required."
Now, I never had any great amount of pluck, which is a steadfast element; while all my elements were light and fleeting, and never would stand up together (as in a fine character they must do) without going up into the air, and turning round. A miserable shiver went through my heart, and turned my bright cheeks to a sad pale blue—so the other fellows said; though it recked me naught what manner of boy I might be, to look at.
"Tommy, keep your pecker up;" Jack Windsor hit me a slap on the back, to impress this counsel, which would have taken all my breath away, if it had not been gone already; "think of your dad, and all the money he is making. Stick well up to them, that's the only ticket. Make them all shake in their shoes, dear Tommy. They will send for me next. If you frighten them well, you will give me pluck to go on with it."
This was all very nice, from his own point of view; but I heartily wished that he had to go first, to show me the right way of doing it.
"Oh, Jack, you are so brave," I said, "if you would only come with me, and make believe you had been sent for too, I should take it so very kind of you!"
"Don't you wish you may catch it?" he replied, turning round, to be ready for the path of retreat.
"Well, at any rate, come to the door," said I; "to know that you are there, will be better than nothing."
"Oh bother, don't be such a funk," Jack answered; "why, Tommy, they won't eat you." And he took good care that they should not eat him, by bolting, as fast as his fat legs would go.
None of this tended to relieve my mind; but I tried to remember Achilles, and Hector, and all the brave men I had been reading of; yet in spite of them all, I took good care, so far as trembling hands allowed, to leave the door behind me open. It was now in my power, after fifteen years of growth, to go at such a pace with the wind behind me—and any wind blowing from a scientific point would surely find itself behind me—that if I could only get one yard's start, all the science yet invented—with the Devil at the tail of it—might break its wind without coming up with me. Dat vires animus. The whole of my animus was up and eager. I thought of all these wise men in our clot-pit; and out of despair I plucked hope, and defiance.
The longest dining-table in our hall, which would take thirty boys, and their plates, on each side, had been proved to be not half long enough for the length of the papers necessary for the lantern jaws of science. Accordingly, three long boards, upon which Dr. Rumbelow's Hermes had cleaned our knives, had been brought from his out-house, and set up, with green baize over them, to carry ink and papers. Our new master sat at the end of this length, with a brace of Professors, on his right hand and his left. To my innermost parts I recalled these four, and was amazed to find that they knew not me. Principal Crankhead waved his hand, for me to stand silent at the bottom of the table; and then they all turned round, and stared at me, with the exception of Herr Chocolous, who stood, with his chair pushed under the table, to assert his upright principles. And he seemed to me to be labouring not to laugh.
"The name of this pupil appears to be Thomas Upmore," began Mr. Crankhead, "the son of Bucephalus Upmore, a gentleman residing in a place called Maiden Lane. Instead of expressing his preference for sixteen of the subjects proposed for his study, he has stated very briefly, that his father declines to pay for what he calls extras. He does not appear to have realized that these are the essential parts of all true education. Boy, what do you come here for?"
"If you please, sir, to be taught," I said, with a courage which surprised me, "to learn 'whatever is necessary for a liberal education,' according to what Dr. Rumbelow says to parents and guardians, in this paper." I pulled an old circular of the Partheneion from my pocket, and spread it on the table. "But father gave out, from the first, that he never would pay a shilling for extras; unless they agreed to take it out in soap."
"Take out science in soap, indeed!" muttered Professor Brachipod, forgetting how much he had done in that way; though certainly without intending it.
"Well, Upmore, tell us, if you can remember," Principal Crankhead went on, without deigning to notice old Rum's prospectus, "what are the extras, as you call them, which your father has refused to pay for?"
"Drilling, and drawing, and dancing, sir, and washing, and French, and bacon for breakfast, sixpence a time for the delicate boys; and I think there was something about new-laid eggs."
"Zere is no sooch ting, I vill not allow it pass"—broke in Professor Chocolous, "vat you call ze new-laid egg have no right to be so called, because——"
"Because it is generally stale, Professor. Well, Upmore, we seem to have ascertained what your father considered objectionable. But none of them belong to the domain of science. Your mind is a little confused, perhaps, as is only natural, at your age, after giving so much of it to Greek and Latin. Now take a fresh paper, and put your initials—we shall understand them—in the sixteen columns of your selection. Sit down, my lad; we shall teach you something yet."
Certainly my mind was now confused, neither by Latin nor Greek, but by the proximity of such a mass of learning, and its manner of foreclosing me. With a fog of big words spreading over my eyes, and pouring in at my ears, as I tried to sound them, I took up the pen which had been thrown to me; then I put it in my mouth, and said to myself—"it can't matter much what I sign; I'll go in for the biggest of the lot, to brag of them. Father likes something that he can't pronounce."
There was no word of less than five syllables there, and a good many of them went up to eleven. These I picked out, to learn first, with my thumbnail, after counting upon all ten fingers; and then I fell back on the decasyllabic branches of wisdom, and got my sixteen. But, before putting anything down in ink—which my father would have had to pay for, unless he went down to the County Court—I found in my mouth a little bit of the stuff (a twisted, brittle, filmy stuff it is), which may be the nerve of the quill for aught I know; and it saved me most happily from knowing what its name is.
For it got very easily into my throat,—so widely was that poor throat agape, at the prospect of all those tremendous words—and I put the feather-end in, to try to pull it out; and then I began to chew the harl; and who ever did that, without improving what he was going to write at first? Those gentlemen still were as eager as ever, that I should be shut up and done with; while I became unable to share their hurry, and desirous to see the case clearly.
"If you please, sir," I said, from the bottom of the table, after getting on a stool to be heard all up it; "the meaning of this paper is, that I am going to learn all this, for nothing."
Mr. Crankhead stared at the men of science, and with one accord they stared at him; and they would have been amused at my mistake, if it had not been too serious.
"Upmore, you have a great deal yet to learn;" the Principal spoke severely; "do you imagine that Science has ever imparted her blessings, for nothing?"
"I am sure, I did not know, sir," I replied; "but you said that all these were essential parts of true education; and old Rum says—Dr. Rumbelow, I mean,—in this paper, that all those are included in the money for the term."
"But we have changed all that, my boy. Our ideas of what education is are entirely different from those of the obsolete system, under which you have been trained hitherto."
"Then if you please, sir, my father ought to have had a new paper sent him, before he sent me back to school; or how can he tell what he is to pay? I am sure, that he won't pay a farthing more than he had to pay last quarter."
"Thomas Upmore, you may go;" the new Principal said, quite loftily, after whispering, and receiving whispers; "you need not return to the schoolroom at all, or to any part of these premises, except where your clothes and books are. You are too benighted, and contumacious, to deserve any higher education; such as you expect to get for nothing. Branker, see that this boy does not communicate with the other boys. Pack all his things up, and put him in a cab."