Enter Zoranzo, as in prison.
Zor. Sure, 'tis not kind of those great pow'rs above,
To add these chains to me that am in love.
As to my bed of straw, I am content,
Since any bed from her is punishment.
To lie on down of swans would be hard rest,
Could I not make my pillow on her breast.
O Amarissa, wert thou here with me,
I would not sell these bonds for liberty.
Ransoms that prisoners give to be set free,
I'd give as much to lie in chains by thee.
Here is her picture. O, thou too like shade,
[Pulls out her picture.
To look on it my eyes are half afraid,
It so presents my joy and misery;
Since 'tis the nothing of that all to me.
The greatest pain to any lover's heart,
Is to remember when they are apart;
For thoughts of joys, when there's a bar betwixt,
Are worse than poison with a cordial mix'd.
Enter Amphelia and Jailor.
Amph. Well said, jailor, here's for thy pains. Brave pris'ner,
Perhaps this visit may appear but strange
To you, till you have heard me speak—Know then,
When you receiv'd the sentence of your death, you seem'd
To meet it with so brave a soul, as if
The sound had not displeas'd your ears. Thus did
Your courage fill my eyes with wonder, and
My heart with pity.
Straight I resolv'd to give you all my helps
To set you free, which now I offer to
You.
Zor. Madam, could I tell you what to say I
Wou'd begin; I have nothing but poor thanks
To offer to you, and those, though millions, were
Not half enough. Compassion shown unto
The miserable heaven can only recompence;
Therefore, in my dying prayers, I will beg from thence
A blessing to reward your pity.
Amph. Sir,
The joy of your escape will pay my pains;
All my endeavours I will set at work:
The time is short, therefore I must make haste.
Expect to hear of me again with speed.
Enter Ortellus, as she is going out.
Zor. What can this mean? heaven grant she does not
Love me; I wou'd not wish so brave a heart
So great a punishment, since my love's fix'd already.
Ort. Madam, I have been seeking you; pray, whence
Came you? This is no usual place to find you
In.
Amph. I was only walking this way, sir.
Ort. I'll wait on you presently.—I suspect
She has been at the prison; I will inform
Myself by the jailor; and yet perhaps
She has bid him to deny it. [Steps back to the Jailor.
The lady
Amphelia says she has left one of
Her gloves behind her in the prison, and
Has sent me for it.
Jail. I'll go see straight, sir.
Ort. She has been there, it seems, then. Madam, I
Fancy you have been to see the prison.
Amph. Who, I?
What makes you think so?
Ort. Why, am I mistaken?
Amph. Yes; what should I do there?
Ort. Nay, that's the question,
But there you have been just now, and with the
Pris'ner too.
Amph. Sure, you dream.
Ort. She's false, I find:
I'll try her love to me. [Aside.
Madam, since you
Have been pleased to show your kindness publicly
To me, I take this time to beg my happiness,
Which is, that a priest may join our hands.
Amph. I will not marry yet.
Ort. Why, pray, madam?
Amph. For a very good reason, because I ha'n't
A mind to't.
Ort. Will you give me another reason?
Amph. I need not: that's sufficient.
Ort. You love me, do you not?
Amph. You know I have declar'd it.
Ort. But (sure) you'll not deny me twice?
Amph. Not, if you ask but once.
Ort. Fie, fie, this modesty's a thief to lovers,
And robs them of their time. Come, come,
Say aye, and blush.
Amph. I'll not say aye, nor blush.
Ort. If you had any modesty, you wou'd.
Amph. You said
Just now I had too much.
Ort. Too much
Of impudence, you mean.
Amph. What's that to say?
Ort. Why, truth.
Amph. Get you out, and wash your tongue:
'Tis foul.
Ort. 'Tis like you heart then,
But that it cannot lie as much.
Amph. Most valiant lord,
To give the lie to petticoats!
Ort. Why did you
Deny your being in prison?
Amph. Not for fear of you;
I was with the brave prisoner,
What then?
Ort. You went to make love to him.
You had best use your time well; 'twill
Be short and sweet: your dear will not be so
Proper a man by the head within this
Two days. False woman! you've a heart that flies
From one man's breast to another: all the
Inconstancy of your sex is constancy
To this of yours: you have deceived the duke
Already; that might have been my warning.
Amph. Faith, and so
It might; th' duke in all things so far excels
You, that you were a fool to think, when once
My heart bid him farewell, that it design'd
No better a change than you. Troth, your mistaken;
It had a farther journey to make, and so
Took your breast for an inn only, to lie
By the way.
Ort. Base woman! is't not enough that you
Have fool'd me, but you must mock me too? Heaven
Hold my hand from murdering thee!
Amph. Fright those that fear you. [Exit.
Ort. Curses of all fool'd men (like me) light heavy
On thee! Revenge begins to fill my heart,
And I will pour it out on this base woman.
I know the way: I'll to the duke.
Enter Duke.
I am
Glad I have met your highness, for I have
Business to impart to you that concerns your life.
Duke. What is't, Ortellus?
Ort. Know, sir,
Amphelia, that——
Duke. Loves you?
Ort. No, sir, she loves
The pris'ner.
Duke. 'Tis impossible.
Ort. 'Tis very true, sir,
I caught her coming from him! she's designing
His escape, and for aught I know, her love
To him may put other thoughts into her head.
Ort. She may design your life;
A woman that is ill, exceeds a man
In mischief.
Duke. My lord, I thank your care. If you
Can track her farther, pray let me know; in the
Meantime I shall prevent her ill intentions.
Ort. My diligence shall not be wanting. So,
Since I can have no love, revenge shall be
My mistress. [Aside. Exit.
Duke. O Amphelia! why dost
Thou take such pains to break my heart, when 'tis
So easily done? She needs not secretly
Contrive my death, since half a word from her
Commands my life: her face and heart (sure) can
Not be akin; nature mistook, or else
She was to blame to give one woman two
So great extremes.
Enter Arbatus.
See, here comes the brother
To wronged Artabella: th' horror of
That sin grows bigger in me,
That I with a deluding love should fool
An innocent, to show an outward scorn
To false Amphelia; for when I heard
She lov'd
Ortellus, I straight made love to this young
Woman, and brought her from her own country,
Only to make Amphelia think I lov'd
Another.
Arb. I hope I don't disturb your highness.
Duke. No, Arbatus, you are always welcome
To me.
Arb. Sir, I should ask you a question.
Duke. You freely may.
Arb. Not but
I think my sister far unworthy, either
In birth or fortune, to be call'd your wife;
Yet since you have been pleas'd to grace her with
Your love so far, as saying she shall be your
Duchess, be pleas'd to tell me why it is
Not so? she has been here so long, that people
Now begin to say you mean her for your mistress;
Should my ears meet that sound from any tongue,
I'd——
Duke. Hold, Arbatus, I'm sure I have given
No cause as yet to doubt my kindness to
Your sister.
Arb. Pardon me, sir, in your delay you have.
My sister has no dowry but her virtue,
Youth, and some small stock of beauty. These if
You lov'd her for, you would not waste,
By letting time rob her and you at once.
Duke. Sir, business of great importance has
Hitherto deferr'd my marriage; believe
Me, you shall find me just.
Arb. A prince's word
Must not be question'd; I have done.
Duke. O Amphelia! what dost thou make me do? [Exit.
Arb. Let him take heed; if he does fool my sister,
Were he ten thousand dukes, I'd cut his throat. [Exit.
Enter Philidor alone.
Phil. I have been quite at t'other end o'th' town,
To put my children out to new nurses,
For I am known to every nurse hereabout;
That they will as soon nurse a cat's kitten
As any child of mine. This is a very
Pleasant life I lead, neither is this the
Worst part of it; for there are a certain
Flock of women that I have promis'd marriage,
I expect a volley of shot from them too,
Soon as they find me out. Would wives and children
Were as hard to come by as money, then would
I turn usurer, and let 'em out to use;
For, to say truth, I have enough to spare.
Enter six Ladies, one after another.
So, here comes one of my promis'd Virgins!
Nay, a second too—a third—a fourth—a fifth—
A sixth—Welcome, blessed half-dozen; now will I go
Muster my nurses and children too, and go
Against the Great Turk. I am glad to see
They have brought ne'er a coffin, for I expect
Nothing but death from them. I wonder they don't
Begin to ring my funeral peal. See every
One of them beckons to me, as much as to say,
I'd speak with you in private; but the devil
Take me if e'er a one of them do; I find
By this they would not have their business known
To one another; this may be a means for me
To get off for this time—Ladies, you all
Look as if you had something to say to
Me; pray make me so happy as to let
Me know what 'tis. They dare not speak aloud. [Aside.] Will you,
Madam? or you? or you, madam? or you,
Madam? [What] not one of you tell me what
The honour of these visits mean? I see
I am troublesome to you all? therefore
I'll not be longer rude; and so I take
My leave—This was good luck, that they should come
All together; for I had rather be [Beckon him.
Alone six hours with the devil, than with
E'er a one of them an half hour—I'll stand close
In this corner till they are all gone.
1st Lady. Now the pox take him for a cunning rogue!
2d Lady. A plague take him!
3d Lady. The devil take him!
4th Lady. If there be e'er a devil worse than another,
Take him thou!
5th Lady. O, that I had him alone!
6th Lady. Was there ever such a rascal?
[Exeunt at several doors.
Phil. So the coast is clear again— [Peeps out.
Enter Mirida.
S'death, here comes another—O, 'tis none
Of that gang, though.
Mir. I'll lay my head, ne'er a girl in Christendom
Of my age, can say what I can; I'm now
But five years i'th' teens, and I have fool'd
Five several men.
Phil. A brave wench, by this light!
Sure, it is I in petticoats.
Mir. My humour
Is to love no man, but to have as many
Love me as they please, come cut or long tail.
Phil. A most divine wench!
Mir. 'Tis a rare diversion, to see what several
Ways my flock of lovers have in being
Ridiculous; some of them sigh so damnably,
That 'tis as troublesome as a windy day.
There's two of them that make their love together,
By languishing eye-casts; one of them has
One eye bigger than another, and looks
Like a tumbler; and that eye's like a musket
Bullet, and I expect every minute when he
Will hit me with it, he aims so right at me.
My other lover looks a-squint, and to
See him cast languishing eyes, would make a
Woman with child miscarry. There is also
A very fat man, master Pinguister, and
A very lean man that loves me; I tell the
Fat man I cannot marry him till he's
Leaner, and the lean man I cannot marry
Him till he's fat: so one of them purges
And runs heats every morning, to pull down
His sides, and th' other makes his tailor stuff
His clothes to make him show fatter. O, what
Pleasure do I take in fooling of mankind!
Phil. Was there ever so witty a wench? 'tis the
Woman of women for my turn. I'll to her—
Thou most renowned female! I cannot hold—
Mir. From what?
Phil. From kissing thee, [from] loving thee, or what
Thou wilt.
Mir. Troth, y'are very well acquainted, consid'ring
You never saw me before!
Phil. Saw thee! I have
Heard thee talk this hour, like an angel of light.
Mir. Well, d'ye love me for what you heard me say?
Phil. Yes, faith, do I; why, you are just of my
Humour; when I heard thee say how many
Men you had fool'd, I was very glad to hear
You come one short of me, for I have fool'd
Six women, and you but five men.
Mir. Why,
If you love me, you will be the sixth fool,
To make up my half dozen too.
Phil. No, I
Won't, and yet I love thee too.
Mir. Why, how will
You help it?
Phil. Thus: you and I
Will love one another.
Mir. What, whether I will or no?
Phil. Nay, hear me, we two will love how we please,
When we please, and as long as
We please: do not
These propositions tickle your heart a little?
Mir. I don't mislike them—Now could I take him
About the neck and kiss him for this humour
Of his. And do you say you will love me! [Aside.
Phil. Yes, marry, will I.
Mir. Nay, hold, I won't marry
You.
Phil. Nor I thee, for all the world.
Mir. And yet
You say you will love me?
Phil. I tell you
I will: make no more words on it.
Mir. Why then,
Hark you, to be as absolute as you,
I will love you too, that is to say,
Upon the aforesaid conditions.
Phil. With all my heart; prythee, don't think
That I
Will love thee upon any other terms. But come,
We must seal this
Bargain with hands, hearts, lips.
Mir. No, no; no lips; we will only shake hands
Upon't, that's enough for so weighty a contract
As this of ours.
Phil. But, prythee, let us seal
The bargain.
Mir. No, no, sir, I use no wax
To my lips.
Phil. Nay, by my troth, I care not
A pin to kiss thee.
Mir. No? look upon me well,
And see if you can say so again.
Phil. Hum—yes,
Faith, I will give two-pence to kiss thee
Now.
Mir. Well, sir, when I do kiss you, I'll 'bate you
A penny of that.
Phil. Now you and I will sing this song. [He sings.
My love and I a bargain made,
It is well worth a telling:
When one was weary, we agreed
To part, should both be willing.
Mir. Nay, here I'm for you too. [She sings.
And thus our loves will longer last,
Than fools that still are pining:
We'll spend our time in joy and mirth,
Whilst doaters do in whining.
Phil. Faith, you and I sing very well; we are
Alike in that too: I see either nature
Or the devil, somebody or something, made
Thee and me for one another. Well,
But let us
Remember our conditions: imprimis, I
Will love you.
Mir. Item, so will I you.
Phil. I
Will not say how long.
Mir. Item, nor I neither.
Phil. Item, it may be I can love you but
A week.
Mir. I don't care if't be but a day.
Phil. I'll ne'er be tied to any thing.
Mir. Item, thou shalt be tied to what thou wilt
But me.
Phil. Item, I will come when I please,
And go when I please.
Mir. Item, thou shalt drown
Thyself when thou wilt, or hang thyself when
Thou wilt, or go to the devil when thou wilt.
Phil. Item, if I should like another woman, I
Will have the liberty of leaving you, without
Any ceremony, but just saying
Good-bye.
Mir. Item, if I should like any
Man better than you, I'll leave you without saying
So much as good-bye.
Phil. Item, the first that
Sighs of us two, shall fast a week.
Mir. Item, the first
That looks but melancholy of us two,
Shall be starv'd to death.
Phil. To conclude, we will
Both be as mad as we please.
Mir. Agreed,
And the devil take the tamest!
Phil. A bless'd bargain!
But hark you, there's one thing I have forgot.
Mir. What's that?
Phil. Have you had as many children as I?
Mir. No, indeed, ha'nt I.
Phil. Why, then you must let me help you to 'em,
That you may be even with me there too.
Mir. Hold, sir, that bargain's yet to make.
Phil. Pox on't!
That should have been one of our articles.
Mir. Well, I can stay no longer with you now.
Phil. Nay, prythee, hold, thou shalt not go yet; I
Can't part with you so soon.
Mir. Ay, but I have
A mind to go, and that is one of our
Articles.
Phil. Well, but shan't we put that other
Article in, before we part?
Mir. No, no, good-bye to you.
Phil. Farewell, mettle— [Exit.
Enter Pinguister, Doctor, and Servants.
Mir. Look you, master Pinguister, this is the
Measure must meet about your waist, before
I marry you.
Pin. This? why it will not come
About the small of my leg. [Tries the measure himself.
Mir. Sir, I am sorrier
For it: but it must compass your middle before
You can be my dear chuck: your servant, sir,
I am in haste.
Pin. Prythee, thou damnable
Pretty rogue, let me have some comfort from thee,
Before thou goest, either from thy eyes,
Thy cheeks, mouth, or nose, or some part about thee
Consider what a dissolution I
Must undergo for love of thee.
Mir. I do indeed, sir; but your servant for this time. [Exit.
Pin. Worthy doctor, my hopes are all in you now,
I have tried many physicians already
To make me lean enough for that
Tormenting, pretty fairy devil.
Doctor. Truly, sir, your case is very desperate;
But if any man in the world can drain
Your fat from you, 'tis I: sir, we'll begin
Your course out of hand.
Pin. Do you hear, be sure
I have at least two dozen of napkins ready
Upon the spot, to rub me at every turn;
Therefore come you all along with me—
Have mercy on me, I have love and fat
Enough to furnish a whole nation. [Exeunt.