Enter Amphelia, going to the prison.
Amph. How false a woman to all eyes I seem,
Because I still will hide my constant love!
This way I take will bravely break my heart,
To tell the duke were sneakingly to die:
Since, if he knew that I did love him still,
With basest scorns he'd laugh my soul to death;
Such friendship to this pris'ner I will show,
Shall make the duke believe my heart is there.
To set him free I'll use my utmost art——.
Would I could do as much for this poor heart!
This way my love with my designs complies,
Thus one in chains another's chains unties.
I have made the jailor mine already,
By promising him these hundred pieces—
'Tis now about the time I appointed
To be here—
Enter Jailor.
O, yonder's the jailor expecting me—
Here, jailor, here's for thy
Honesty: may the business be done now?
Jailor. O madam, never at a fitter time; take you
The key and go in to the prisoner;
Whilst I go see the passage clear,
Stand you at th' door, and when I beckon
To you, come away.
Amph. Honest jailor?
Jailor. So, now I am just i' th' fashion; I have taken
Money to do her business, and instead
Of doing it I have undone it.
Enter Duke and Ortellus.
Ort. 'Tis so, sir.
The jailor has discover'd all to me. Here
He comes.
Jailor. And please your highness to stand close
Here, for the lady Amphelia is now
With the prisoner; I have given her a
Key to convey him through this private passage;
As soon as I beckon to her, she will come
Away with him. [Beckons her.
Amph. Come, sir, give me your hand;
The jailor beckons me; the way is clear.
Duke. Hold, lady, and your love, we must shorten
Your journey a little.
Amph. Ha! the duke and Ortellus!
I am betray'd! O villain jailor!
Ort. Sir,
I fear we've interrupted them; it may be
They were going to be married; ha, ha, ha!
Amph. If I were, 'twas what I refused you,
Ortellus; that makes you so mad.
Duke. Well, madam,
If you have a mind to be married, a priest
Shall not join your hands, but you shall go both
Back to the prison, and th' jailor shall tie you
Both hands and legs together.
Amph. Know, sir,
A prison with this brave gentleman
Will be greater paradise to me, than to
Be mistress of your palace. What do I say? [Aside.
Duke. Well you shall have your desire then; ye shall live
Together, and die together. How could
I speak that word to her? [Aside.
Zor. She die, sir!
Wou'd you destroy so great a world of virtue?
Rather invent two deaths for me, that I
May die for her too. You'll rob
Your dukedom of your greatest treasure to take
Away so blest a life as hers: let not
An axe part such a head and body,
Lest heaven frown and call you murderer. You'll pull
Upon your head all mankind's curse: when nature
Sees her bounty thus rewarded, she will
Turn miser, and will give no more such blessings
To th' world as this fair saint.
Duke. Well, sir,
I'm satisfied ye like one another, so you
Shall both return back to your straw beds, there you
May lie as close together as you please.
Amph. No, sir, virtue shall lie betwixt us.
Duke. You will want a pillow, till you come both
To execution, then you shall have one—
A block to lay your heads on.
Amph. Know, [O] duke,
My head will rest better with his upon a block,
Than with yours on the softest pillow. How
Many lies must I confess, before I die. [Aside.
Duke. Indeed, you'll sleep pretty soundly. See, her scorn
To me makes death a pleasure to her. [Aside.
My lord, give order that she may be brought
Immediately to her trial; in the meantime,
Jailor, take them into your custody;
Lay 'em in shackles both. Cousin, many thanks
To you for this timely discovery.
I must leave you awhile. [Exit.
Ort. Duke, you shall have
Less to thank me for, else I am deceiv'd.
I've found out he loves Amphelia still,
So she does him. Now will I go possess
Arbatus of this, and tell him how the duke
Intends to fool his sister. He has the
Character of so strict a brother, and so brave
A spirit, that his soul will never digest
This injury without the duke's blood.
Will join with him, and tell him how
The business may be done.
By this, one of these three things shall I have
Either a mistress, dukedom, or a grave.
Enter Arbatus and Artabella.
See, here comes Arbatus and his sister
Artabella; they talk very earnestly.
Arb. Sister, I do not like it; the duke will
Fool ye.
Art. Indeed, brother, I am amaz'd
At this delay.
Arb. How does he carry himself
To you?
Art. With all respect imaginable.
Arb. Then there must be something more in't,
That he defers his marriage thus.
Ort. There is
So, sir.
Arb. My lord, heark'ning's but a base office;
But if you have heard it, 'tis no treason.
Ort. No, sir, but it is falseness in the duke,
To use your worthy sister thus. I came
To tell you upon my knowledge, he never
Intended to marry her.
Arb. My lord, though I believe it, you must pardon
Me, if I wonder at this information
From your lordship, that is his near cousin.
Ort. Sir, you have the character of so brave
A gentleman, conscience and honour
Bids me discover this to you and your sister:
Think of a way of being reveng'd, and here's
My hand and heart to help you.
Arb. Pardon
Me, that I cannot thank you truly, because
I needs must doubt this offer from your lordship.
Ort. What can I say to confirm you? will the
Word and honour of a gentleman do't?
Arb. To me those are things of great value.
Ort. Then here
I give them both.
Arb. But what to do, my lord?
Ort. What you will.
Arb. Perhaps you think I'd have you
Ask some place about the court for me, in
Recompense of this injury to my sister?
Ort. No, sir, had you been such a person, I
Should not have trusted you thus far with what
I have said. I say [it] again, I am
Your friend; if you doubt it, you wrong my honour.
Arb. Why then, my lord, to be short, nothing will
Satisfy me, but the duke's——
Ort. What?
Arb. Blood.
Ort. Why,
Thou shalt have it all, if I can help thee
To't; this night will I convey you privately
Into his bed-chamber. Come along with me,
And I will tell you all. [Exit.
Arb. My lord, I follow you.
Sister, go to your chamber.
Art. O brother!
Heaven preserve you in this danger.
Arb. Now
It comes into my head, I need not doubt
This lord's truth; he is next heir to the dukedom,
If the duke die without issue.
'Tis base in him the duke's life to pursue,
His blood is only to my sister due. [Exit.
Art. False duke, thou justly hast deserv'd thy death;
To cheat the innocent is a double crime;
I had no cunning guard about this heart
To keep it safe from a seducing tongue.
I have lost my heart, which he by falseness won;
How soon is truth and innocence undone! [Exit.
Enter Philidor.
Phil. Pray remember the poor prisoners, pray
Remember the prisoners. Well, had I
Not taken this course with the regiment
Of women that I have promis'd to marry,
I should have been devour'd by 'em by this
Time. They came just now into my chamber,
One by one, hoping to have found me alone,
To have preach'd matrimony to me; but,
To my blest deliverance, no sooner
One was there, but another came; so I
Persuaded them one by one, to slip up
Into a garret: so still as one knock'd
At the door, the t'other ascended; there
Have I secur'd them with this key, and there
Must I keep them till I have made
Conditions with them.
Enter Mirida.
O, here comes Mirida.
Pray remember the poor prisoners, pray
Remember the poor prisoners.
Mir. Who the devil's that, Philidor?
Phil. The very same, my mettled female.
Mir. Why,
What mad prank art thou playing now?
Phil. Alack-
A-day, I have great cares upon me; I
Must provide meat for half-a-dozen ladies,
That shou'd have been my spouses. Look up yonder;
In that very garret, for aught I know, they
Must dine and sup at my charge as long as
They live; and thus must I be their cook every
Day, and beg their first and second course.
Mir. I am sorry to hear this, because 'tis
A wilder trick than I have done lately
To any of my lovers. Prythee, let's
Go under the window, and call to them.
Phil. Come away, you shall hear what vollies we shall
Have from the castle. Most excellent
Amazonian ladies, look out, and behold
Your labouring purveyor, what pains he
Takes to victual your castle,
Because he knows you must be long there. [Women look out.
1st Lady. Rogue!
2d Lady. Rascal!
3d Lady. Villain!
4th Lady. Dog!
5th Lady. Slave!
6th Lady. Hell-hound!
Phil. Methinks you represent the hemisphere,
Because you are enthron'd so high; your eyes
Appear like stars to us poor mortals here
Below.
1st Lady. Villain, if we had thee here, thou
Should'st find it hell.
Mir. Pray, ladies, what makes you
So angry? Methinks the gentleman is
Your friend, and has holpt you nearer heaven
Than perhaps e'er a one of you would ever
Have been.
2d Lady. What's that you say, little piss-a-bed?
Mir. Sweet angels, will never a one of you
Please to descend?
3d Lady. Thou little devil,
If we had thee here, we'd throw thee down again
With such a swing, we'd knock that rascal's brains
Out with thy fall.
Mir. Then, angry ladies, I
Shall stay here—see, has not that lady
A very fair nose at this distance?
Phil. Has
Not t'other there a mouth, that when she opens it
To scold, looks like a giant's cave?
4th Lady. S'life, we'll
Not be abus'd thus; here's a Hercules' statue,
Let's throw it down upon their heads.
[Mirida runs away, and meets Pinguister and stops.
Enter Pinguister and Doctor.
Mir. Hold, Philidor, we shall have some new sport
Of my making now; here comes my fat lover,
Let us stand close and hear a little.
Ping. Doctor,
Pray, how many stools may I happily have
This morning by this purgation, already
Taken by me?
Doctor. Doubtless, one hundred, sir.
Ping. Save me, 'twill swinge my bum-gut then: but how
Much fat may it bring away?
Doctor. Peradventure,
Half-a-dozen pounds.
Ping. Love! what dost thou make
Me do? But, worthy doctor, from what parts of
My continual purg'd body is this store
Of fat extracted?
Doctor. Chiefly from your waist
And calves of your legs.
Ping. And how many purges
May make my waist and legs' calves, alias, calves
Of my legs, delightful to her eye, sir?
Doctor. Sir, some ten purges: that is to say, you
Must have a thousand stools to drain your treasure
Of fat totaliter from ye.
Ping. O love!
O Mirida, for thee I daily purge:
For thee I daily stink. I find
I must keep company with the bears, that I
May be able to endure my own stink the better.
Doctor. Come, sir, I think you had best begin to run
Your heats.
Ping. O me! nothing cou'd e'er a made
A footman of me but love. Well, I must
Put on my pumps.
Phil. By this light, this is the
Pleasantest scene as e'er I saw.
Ping. Nay, doctor,
If you mean I should run, lend me your hand
To help me up. [Puts on nightcaps.
Now, in the name of love,
I most unwillingly start.
Phil. S'death! he runs
Like a duke. [He runs round, and sometimes goes out to untruss.
Mir. His stools come very quickly upon
Him, one after another.
Ping. I must run
With my breeches in my hand, my purge visits
My bum-gut so intolerably often.
Doctor. Now, sir, for a cheerful loose.
Ping. By my heart,
Master Doctor, I wonder at your cruelty,
To ask a cheerful loose of me; am not
I loos'd sufficiently by
Your furious purgations?
Enter Lean-man and his Tailor.
Mir. O, here comes
My lean lover.
Lean. Tailor, do I look gross
Enough now?
Tailor. Yes, I'll assure you, you seem
Very corpulent.
Lean. Well, I am sure if thou
Hast not made me large enough, thou wilt thy bill.
Now have at Mistress Mirida! sure, my
Person will take her. Why, how now, cousin, [To Ping.
What makes you running a heat?
Ping. I must not stop
To speak with you, but come run by me,
And I will tell you. Why, I see
You know nothing. Mistress Mirida has a
Great kindness for me, but cannot marry me
Before I am leaner.
Lean. She fools him; her kindness is for me,
And bids me make myself fatter, before
We marry. [Aside.
Ping. But pray, coz, what makes you stuff yourself so
To appear big?
Lean. Yes, I do it to please
Mistress Mirida's eye; she bid me.
Ping. So she makes
An ass of him. [Aside.
Lean. Well, I won't hinder you
In your exercise,
Farewell. Now I'll to Mistress Mirida. [Exit.
Ping. Good bye, good bye.
God's fish, my purge again! O, O!
Enter Clown with a cudgel, and beats him in again.
Clown. A nasty rogue, when a man's asleep,
To come and do it just in his mouth! I'll swinge ye.
Ping. O, hold, good sir, 'twas the violence of my physic;
Would my paunch were out, if I saw you!
Phil. Hold,
What do ye mean to beat a
Gentleman thus?
Clown. Let
Him learn more manners, then, against next time.
Ping. O Mistress Mirida, I have been purg'd
And beaten most extremely for your sake;
Sure, I'm lean enough now to marry you.
Mir. That I cannot tell; but I have the measure
In my pocket of what compass you were
About when you first were in love with me,
And also the measure to that you must
Fall before I marry you. Here was your full
Bigness, which was three yards about: let me see;
You are fallen a yard.
Ping. Well, and won't you marry me then?
Mir. That you'll see presently; for here's the measure
Must compass you about before I do.
This wants a yard yet.
Ping. Well, and d'ye think it's possible
For me ever to become such a grig
As that measure will meet about me?
Why, to do that you must embowel me, and then
Shave the remaining rolls of fat off from
My melting sides.
Doctor. Here, pray, sir, throw this blanket
About you; you will catch your death.
Ping. Look you,
Unreasonable mistress, thus am I
Fain to do every day, because I would
Melt myself into a husband for you:
You may hear my guts at this time boiling
Within me; I am confident they will
Have the same fat as a kettle full of
Black puddings that are over-boiled, and so
Broken.
Doctor. Come, sir, you must needs go to bed.
Ping. That is to say, I must go swim; for that
I do constantly in a sea of sweat.
Mir. Ay, pray, sir, I wou'd not for all the world
You should miscarry.
Ping. Indeed, I look as
If I were with child. Lady, if you have
Any thoughts of going to heaven, have
Mercy on me.
Mir. Farewell, garbage.
Ping. O heat! O fat! O love! what will you
Do with me? [Exit with Doctor.
Phil. Was there ever such sport as we have seen?
Mir. Heaven send thee and I many a fair
Year to be mad together in.
Phil. Ay, as
You say, give us but time enough, and when
We grow tame, let the bell toll for us.
But stay, let us return
Back to my virgins, that I may
Make my conditions with 'em,
Before they get out of prison.
Enter all the Ladies and bind them.
S'death! they
Are all got out already.
1st Lady. O, have we
Met with you now, ye pair of devils? we'll lay
You fast enough. So good night to you, lie
There till we come again. [Exit Ladies.
Phil. Pox on't, was there
Ever such luck as this? There was a trap-
Door in the garret, which they found and got
Out at.
Mir. What think ye now of this day's sport
Philidor?
Phil. Plague on it, well enough; if
They had not bound us back to back together,
We might have pass'd away the time.
Malicious jades! no way of bridling us
But this? Pr'ythee turn about thy head, and let
Us try if we can kiss one another
A little.
Mir. No, no, we won't
Try for fear you should put your neck out of
Joint with turning it too much of one side.
Phil. Well, fortune should be more careful
Of accidents of this nature, and not
Contrive them so cross.
Enter Boy.
Phil. O, here comes a boy. Here, sirrah, come hither.
Boy. What say you, master?
Phil. Here, prythee, unbind us, I'll give thee a
Shilling.
Boy. Why, sir, can't you unbind yourselves?
Phil. Simple boy, thou seest we can't.
Boy. And have ye a mind to be unbound?
Phil. Yes, yes, we are in great torments
To lie thus.
Boy. Then, sir, you shall give me a piece,
And your hat, because I have never
A one, or else farewell.
Phil. Well, stay, here take it out of my pockets.
Boy. Yes, that I will do, before I unbind you,
And your hat too. [Exit.
Phil. The rogue's too nimble for me.
Mir. Well, Philidor, farewell, I must
Go put
On a clean handkerchief.
Phil. And I
Must go see if I can find a believing
Haberdasher, else I shall be very
Ceremonious to every one I meet. [Exit.
Enter Fiddler.
Mir. A fiddle! nay, then I am made again;
I'd have a dance, if I had nothing but my
Smock on. Fiddler, strike up, and play my jig,
Call'd, I care not a pin for any man.
Fid. Indeed I can't stay: I am going to
Play to some gentlemen.
Mir. Nay, thou shalt stay
But a little.
Fid. Give me half-a-crown then.
Mir. I have no money about me. But here, take
My handkerchief. [Dance and Exit.