The Friar who had entertained us with this story, finished here. After which his friend and himself commenced a conversation respecting the wars of Granada. During all this time the muleteer, perceiving that we were almost at the gates of Cazalla, seemed particularly anxious to say a few words to me in private. Since our last adventure, he had not uttered a word, but, as we were now about to part, perhaps never to meet again, he at length broke silence by demanding of me three crowns, for the charges of my journey, as well as for my share of what we had expended at the inn where we had supped so well the preceding evening, and breakfasted so delicately that very morning. This was any thing but a joke to me, who little expected such a demand, and might have defied him or any other person to have made me pay it, not having half that sum in my purse; and we soon grew so warm in our arguments against each other on this subject, that I had armed myself with two flints, which I should certainly have levelled at his head, had not the Friars taken compassion on me, and prevented me from getting myself well thrashed. These gentlemen set themselves up for umpires in the case, and after having heard both parties, condemned me to pay the muleteer a fourth part of what he demanded. I was obliged to obey this decree, which, favorable as it was towards me, reduced my finances so low, that I had scarcely sufficient remaining in my purse to defray the expences of a supper and night’s lodging at another Inn, whither I repaired after having taken leave of the two Friars, and the unlucky muleteer, who had no great reason, in my opinion, to thank his stars that he ever met with me.
Behold me now, friendly reader, in the best inn at Cazalla, twelve leagues from Seville, where the money I had left was sufficient to pay for a good supper and a good bed to lie down on. Instead, however, of enjoying a profound sleep, which such excellent fare was calculated to procure me, the state of my affairs presented itself to my imagination in a thousand distressing forms, and prevented me from sleeping a wink the whole of the night. “Hitherto,” said I to myself, “I have always had plenty to eat and drink. But this will now soon be over. When a man has bread to eat he may support himself under any affliction. ’Tis well to have a father; ’tis well to have a mother; but nothing is to be compared to a good bellyful.”
Necessity, with her heretic visage, now stared me full in the face, and occasioned the most terrible apprehensions in my mind; and I would gladly have returned to Seville, had I not considered that money was quite as necessary to repair my folly as to pursue my fortune. I could compare myself to nothing but some half-starved cur, who having lost his way, finds himself surrounded by a number of larger dogs barking and growling at him on all sides. In addition to this, how could I, without shame, return to my mother’s house after having left it with so much resolution. The loss of my cloak also recurred to my remembrance, which I imagined would be a fine subject for ridicule on my return. This last consideration was sufficient to determine me not to return to Seville; in addition to which, I was not less concerned that I must stop when I was in so fair a way. A point of honour then seized me, and I resolved to continue my journey, abandoning myself to Providence. I took the direct road to Madrid, the ordinary residence of our Kings, hoping to see something of the Court, which I had been told was most brilliant, from the great number of noblemen that composed it, and above all from the presence of a young king newly married. All this excited my curiosity, and I encouraged the most flattering ideas, building castles in the air without number. I fancied that a lad of my air and figure would soon be noticed in such a country, where I should soon make friends, and could not fail of making my fortune. Full of these deceitful visions, I had little inclination to sleep, and lay expecting the day with impatience. But no sooner had it arrived, and I had set out for Madrid, than all these chimeras vanished, leaving nothing before my eyes but a long and tedious journey.
“Courage, Signor Guzman,” said I to myself; “consider that you cannot now retreat. Keep up your spirits, therefore, my friend, and do your best whatever may happen. Instead of having a cloak upon your shoulders, which would only incommode you at this time of the year, be content that you have a good stick, which will assist you in walking.” I passed the whole day without eating, and at night lay myself down on the grass at the foot of a large tree, where I fell asleep from fatigue, and did not wake until the sun had risen the next morning, when I began to feel that I could have made a very hearty breakfast if I had had any provisions; but not having even a morsel of the coarsest bread, I found myself obliged to set forward again upon an empty stomach, and with an appetite increasing every moment. Towards night, my hunger became such, that I could scarcely walk from weakness. In vain did my stomach plead its emptiness; my legs seemed unwilling to support my weight any farther.
Just at this moment two gentlemen, who by their looks seemed to be rich merchants, trotted briskly past me upon mules. “Thank God!” thought I, “here are two gentlemen who will in all probability defray my charges to-day.” The hope of obtaining a good meal at their expense inspired me with fresh strength, and I resolved not to lose sight of them. A meal was now of the most serious consideration for me. With this impression I followed them so closely that we arrived together at the inn where they stopped. I looked more dead than alive when I came up with them; yet, tired as I was, I shewed myself disposed to make myself useful by holding the bridles of their mules while they alighted, and offering my services to carry their portmanteau, with a bag containing their provisions, into their apartments. But, whether my officiousness rendered me suspected by them, or that they were naturally rough and distrustful, no sooner had I laid my hands on the bag, than one of them called out to me, in a voice which made me tremble from head to foot, “Out of the way, boy! stand off!” I obeyed without making any answer to this disagreeable reception, and formed but a bad presage in favour of the gratification of my appetite; but determined not to be so easily got rid of. I therefore walked behind them to their room, in a very humble manner, with my hat in my hand. They had brought good provisions with them, as is customary in Spain. I saw a roast shoulder of mutton drawn from their bags, with part of a ham, some bread and wine. This only increased my extreme desire to serve them. To obtain their favour, therefore, I advanced towards the table, and took up a glass, intending to rinse it for their use, but the other merchant, who had not yet spoken, snatched it from me, saying, in a rougher manner than his friend, “No, no, leave that glass alone. We have no occasion for your services.”
“O traitors!” thought I, “enemies to God and man! hearts of flint! I find that I have exhausted my breath and strength to little purpose in following you hither.” I resolved, however, not to leave them, in the hope that they might feel more charitably disposed when their bellies were full, and throw me a bone to pick, or even a bit of bread, out of compassion. I was again mistaken; they continued eating without deigning to cast a look towards me. I devoured their provisions with my eyes all this time; but this would not satisfy my craving appetite. To complete my mortification, I saw these monsters put up the remains of their dinner in their wallet, even to the smallest bit of bread, with which they left the inn. What barbarity! what a sight for a lad starving with hunger! I was ready to run distracted with grief and inanition, when a friar of the order of St. Francis entered the room in which I stood.
I conceived but little hope of relief from this quarter. What assistance could I expect from a poor monk, who travelled on foot, from a begging friar, who seemed himself to stand in need of assistance? He perspired freely, and appeared much fatigued. He brought a wallet with him, which he placed on the table, and upon which I fixed the most attentive and eager looks. I could have stolen it even from the altar; it made my mouth water before I knew its contents. When his reverence took out his provisions, which consisted of a large loaf of white bread, and a piece of salt beef, which I should have longed for even at my mother’s table, I fixed my eyes upon them, and stood in an ecstacy with my mouth wide open. How did I wish that I had been his little brother! I fancied that I felt in my own throat every morsel that he swallowed.
He happened to look at me by chance in the course of his meal, and perceiving what I wanted, for my looks spoke, “Good God!” cried he, animated by a holy zeal, “approach, my child, I will not allow thee to languish from want; though I had but this bit of bread, it should be thine. Here, my son,” added he, giving me half his bread and meat, “take a little nourishment. I were unworthy to exist did I not share with thee.”
O Providence! who makest many of thy creatures to subsist even in stone, thy divine goodness never forsakes us! I implored blessings on the head of the reverend father, for this act of charity towards me; and began to shew him that he was not deceived in my half-starved appearance; and being now pretty well replenished, I returned thanks to Heaven for this fortunate rencounter. How pleased should I have been had I been doomed to travel any distance with this friar! My fate would have been enviable; but, as chance would have it, he was going to Seville, so that we parted immediately after dinner. Before we separated, he put his hand into his wallet, and gave me half of another small loaf, saying, that I should have my full share of all he had. I put up this last half-loaf in my pocket, and after having eaten the first with the beef, and drunk some good fresh water, for the good friar had nothing better to offer me, I set out again in good spirits towards Madrid.
I travelled about three leagues further during the day, and in the evening reached Campanis, a large village in New Castile, where I entered an inn, and supped upon the half-loaf I brought with me, having nothing better to eat. This inn was where the muleteers of Tuxillo lodged, for whom all the beds were engaged, and who came in towards night. The landlord allotted me a lodge in the hay-loft, whither I mounted very contentedly, not being in a situation to make any difficulties. I stretched myself on the straw, and slept soundly until day-break, when I rose with a light stomach, which, as you will recollect, was by no means overloaded the preceding night, and had already got out of the inn, when the rascally landlord was uncivil enough to stop me, demanding payment for my night’s lodging, for which he charged four marvedis. As I had not even one in the world, I struggled to escape from his grasp; but he held me fast, and perceiving that my coat was made of good cloth, he was on the point of taking it off, by way of settling the dispute, had not a muleteer, who was standing by, taken pity on me. “Leave the lad alone,” said he to the host, “I will pay for him. I see how the matter stands; this young man has run away either from his father’s or his master’s house.” At these words the landlord looked at me, and asked me if I was disposed to serve him, having occasion for the assistance of a boy like me in his inn.
At any other time such a proposal would have appeared ridiculous to me, and I should even have been offended at it; but misery relieves one from such scruples, and reconciles the greatest hardships. After having considered for a few moments, the prospect of starvation made me accept his offer. “Enter my house, then,” said he; “there are but two things I shall require of you: to give out the oats and straw to the passengers, and to be sure to render me a good and faithful account.” I promised to acquit myself in this noble post to the utmost of my abilities; after which I was engaged beyond the power of retracting.
However hard service was to me, who had hitherto been accustomed to be waited upon myself, I was at first tolerably well contented with my situation. Very few gentlemen passed that way in the course of the day, so that, generally, I had nothing to do but to eat and drink until night, when the muleteers arrived. I soon learnt all the manœuvres of inns: how to swell the corn to three times its quantity with boiling water, and how to measure it out afterwards to the best advantage. There was no occasion to point out to me more than once the peculiar construction of the mangers, for, after one attempt, I well knew how to watch my opportunity to deprive the passengers of at least a third part of the corn they paid for; and even the muleteers did not always escape; but when by chance any young cavaliers, distinguished by their insignia and the nice cut of their whiskers, happened to stop at our house without servants, we were particularly assiduous in our attentions. No sooner did we perceive them than we ran out to assist them to alight. These young gentlemen, for the most part, affecting to be persons of great importance, would not condescend to enter the stable, but were content to recommend their horses or mules to our care; which recommendation had so powerful an effect that we never failed to lead the poor beasts where there was neither hay nor a single grain of corn. We tied them to the rack, and left them to their meditations. Occasionally, however, out of pity, we gave them a handful of corn, just by way of a bon-bouche, before their departure, though of this scanty pittance the poultry in the yard caught up half, and sometimes even the jackass got his share of it.
In this manner were all those cavaliers served who relied upon our honesty; and if we made them pay well for what their beasts had never eaten, judge in what manner we charged them for their own expences. I was overjoyed when it fell to my lot to reckon with them: “your bill amounts to so many reals,” said I, “and so many maravedis,” adding in a graceful manner: Y haga les buen provecho,—“Much good may it do you:”—a compliment which always procured me something for myself. You will very easily believe that we always charged this sort of customers twice as much as they owed, in spite of all the regulations of the Police, to which my master paid little attention, though they were fixed up all over his house. He was satisfied with having them in his possession, and so long as he was able to pay the officers their dues, he cared but little about observing their ordinances.
The more experienced travellers always paid without hesitation whatever was demanded, knowing that it was useless to contend; but others who thought themselves more cunning, would frequently have the landlord called, that they might reckon with him. On these occasions, our master, for fear of doing himself wrong, always increased the price of every article; and when he had once taxed the bill at a certain amount, his sentence was without appeal, and they were obliged to draw their purse-strings. Woe to that traveller who presumes to complain of his treatment, and to threaten an innkeeper in Spain for having cheated him. As they are almost all of them members of the Holy Brotherhood, he will be sure to cause him to be arrested at the first village through which he passes, accusing him either of a design to burn his house to the ground, of having assaulted him, or of having violated his wife or his daughter; so that the poor traveller may esteem himself more than ordinarily happy if he got off by paying double what was before demanded of him, after having begged pardon of his landlord into the bargain.
There were several pretty servant-maids in our inn, but it was dangerous to have any thing to say to them. It was well for those who had their wits about them when they left the house; for whatever happened by chance to be forgotten and left behind, was sure never to be heard of again. What roguery! what infamous trick! what wickedness is constantly going on at these inns! God is not feared, and Justice is compounded with. One would think that when a man becomes an innkeeper he is at liberty to do what he pleases, and has an absolute power over the property as well as the persons of such as are obliged to stop at his house.
Besides that I was of too flighty a disposition to be long contented in the same way of life, I could not consider the one that I now led by any means suitable to a spirited lad who had left his mother’s house, for the sole purpose of seeing the world. In addition to this, the servant of an innkeeper ranked lower, in my opinion, than that of a blind beggar. I saw every day boys of about my own age and size pass our door, who, after having asked alms, went gaily along the road again. This sight roused my feelings: “what,” said I to myself, “does the dread of hunger hold me here, while these young fellows, who have no more resolution than I ought to be master of, expose themselves courageously to hunger and thirst? I am in all probability as well deserving as they, and ought not, therefore, to be less courageous.” These reflections inspired me with resolution, and, defying fortune, I again set out for Madrid, after having demanded my dismissal of my master, who gave me three reals for my services during the time I had been with him.
With this money and the little I had saved from the liberality of our customers, I was able to advance as far as the celebrated bridge of Arcolis upon Zagus, whence I pursued my route as the others had done, by holding out my hand in every village through which I passed, and to every gentleman I met; but the harvest had been so extremely bad that year, that people in general were but little disposed to be charitable. I was therefore soon obliged to sell my clothes; so that I cut a most elegant figure when I reached that celebrated capital of Spain. I was reduced to a tattered pair of breeches, with a shirt black and torn, a pair of stockings with a thousand holes in them, and shoes which had no other soles than those of my feet. I looked more like a fellow just escaped from the galleys, than a gentleman’s son of good family; and could not possibly hope to be employed in any gentleman’s service, which was now the height of my ambition. My miserable appearance was not calculated to prepossess any one in my favour, and he must have been a bold man indeed who could have made up his mind to admit me into his house. No one could look at me attentively without saying in his own mind, there is a young chap who only wants the opportunity to perform some desperate trick. At length, finding that my appearance was such, that no one would receive me either as page, footman, or even as a turnspit, I turned my eyes towards a company of beggars whom I perceived at a church door. I considered them with attention, and they seemed so healthy and void of care, that I thought I could not do better than enrol myself in their company. I joined them accordingly, and was received by them as a member whose mien and equipage were not unworthy of their fraternity.
Before I reached Madrid I had taken good care to leave all my modesty on the road, as a load too heavy for a foot passenger to carry about with him. If I had not ere this got rid of this cruel enemy to hunger, I should soon have lost every spark of it in the company of these good folks, who were severally and collectively the most complete birds of prey. I followed them every where, acting as a sort of assistant to them, until I should become sufficiently experienced to contribute my share towards making the pot boil, in which there never failed to be plenty. Twice a day we had a fine dish of soup, of which I was sure to partake, provided I attended punctually to the hours of dinner and supper, otherwise being only an underling, I should have found nothing but the empty turine for my share.
After supper we generally sat down to play; I soon learned the games of Quince, one and thirty, quinola and primera, with a thousand tricks on the cards. I had so happy a knack, and my disposition was so well suited to this science, that I made visible progress under these excellent masters. Little as I was, I felt desirous to imitate some of my companions, who, lest they should be punished as vagrants, posted themselves with baskets in the different markets, offering the citizens to carry home for them the provisions they might purchase. This employment appeared rather laborious to me at first, but I soon got so well accustomed to it, that I thought no man’s lot preferable to my own. “How charming,” thought I, “to live thus in plenty, without being obliged to use either needle or thread, the hammer or the thimble; nothing but a basket and a little industry being necessary for subsistence! The life of a beggar is a delicacy without bone, an uninterrupted stream of pleasure, an employment exempt from trouble and vexation. How void of sense must my ancestors have been to have taken so much pains to live in wretchedness! In how many perplexities have they been involved for the sake of supporting their commerce and reputation! O absurd honour of this world, thou art but a millstone to sink such fools as consent to be burdened with thee!”
One day as I was carrying home a quarter of mutton in my basket for an honest shoemaker who walked before me, I picked up a paper which I perceived lying in the street, containing some verses of an old ballad, which I began to read and sing to myself. The shoe-maker, surprised to hear me, said with a smile: “what, you ill-looking little dog, can you read?” “And write too,” answered I. “Is it possible?” cried he, much astonished. “If you will teach me merely to sign my name, I will pay you well for your trouble.” I asked of what possible use the knowing how to sign his name only could be to him, and he told me that having obtained a good situation through the influence of a certain person, whom he named, whose family he had supplied with shoes gratis, he should be glad to be able to sign his name when necessary, that he might not be obliged to confess that he could not write.
As soon as we entered his house he caused pen, ink, and paper to be brought, and I commenced my occupation of writing-master, showing my scholar how to hold his pen, and guiding his hand. I then made him form the letters that composed his name so many times over, that he fancied he had already acquired the elements of the art of writing. After having scribbled over and blotted five or six sheets of paper, he was so well satisfied, that he made me try on a pair of new shoes, which fitted as if they had been made for me, and which he presented me with: I then took leave of him, assuring him, that whenever I wanted a new pair of shoes, I would call and give some further lessons to make him quite perfect in his writing.
I was well content in this new way of life, in which I enjoyed that liberty so eagerly desired by all the world, so boasted of by philosophers, and so often sung of by poets: I possessed that precious treasure which is preferable to gold or silver; but unfortunately I did not long retain it, for a cursed cook soon deprived me of it. This cook was one of my most constant employers: “My friend,” said he one day, “I am well pleased with you, and am willing to put you in the way of making your fortune; quit your idle companions, and come and fill the place of scullion at my master’s which is now vacant; I will myself teach you the duties of the kitchen out of friendship, and qualify you to become cook to the King himself. Happen what may, the very least advantage you can derive from a knowledge of this fine art, is to enable you to return to your own country a rich man.” In short, he so completely cajoled me, that I willingly accepted his proposal.
He then conducted me to the hotel of the nobleman whom he served, where I took my post and my scullion’s cap, that is a nightcap, with a white apron. The first thing that was given me was some parsley to shred; which is always considered like the alphabet to those who aspire to the higher degrees in the kitchen. The cook my master was a married man: he had a house in the neighbourhood where his wife lived, and where we both went home to sleep every night; but I passed the principal part of the day at the Hotel, where I was always ready to oblige every body. My activity and good-nature soon gained me the esteem of my fellow servants of both sexes. I performed their commissions with punctuality, secresy and fidelity, and was rewarded by many small gratifications in return. In the kitchen I performed my duty to admiration, and my master was so well satisfied with me, that he often said I was born to tread in his footsteps.
I grant that all this cost me no small trouble, but then I was amply recompensed by the many advantages that my exertions procured me. Next to the profession of begging, which is undoubtedly the most charming condition of civilized society, I could not possibly fare better than I did in this kitchen; having been bred to good cheer, I felt myself completely in my element. No plate came in or went out of the kitchen but I had a lick at it, no sauce but what I tasted, and I can assure you my master made most exquisite ragouts. The cooks of St. Giles’s, of St. Dominick, of the Gate of the Sun, the great Market-place and Toledo Street, must excuse me if I rank him far above them in this art, notwithstanding the high reputation they have established.
I might have been perfectly happy had I resisted the opportunity of gaming; but I could not long withstand the temptation of joining the lackeys and pages, who were at cards almost the whole of the day. At first I spent only now and then a quarter of an hour with them, or half an hour at the utmost; but when I found that my natural inclination for this cursed habit was not sufficiently satisfied by day, I was induced to steal from my master’s house in the night-time, as soon as I believed him to be asleep, for the purpose of joining my companions at the Hotel, with whom I generally remained until sun-rise the next morning. If my master had been informed of my conduct, he would undoubtedly have horse-whipped me handsomely; but no one apprized him of it, for fear of getting me into trouble. Meantime I lost all the money that I had earned in the execution of commissions, without losing my taste for gaming; on the contrary, my desire for play increased daily, and I was induced to steal to supply me with means; this I had never yet been guilty of, although I well knew, that from my master downwards, all the servants in the Hotel were in the habit of appropriating to their own use every thing they could lay their hands on. Every one took good care of himself, and what is more surprising, though they were all well aware of each other’s practices, no one ever impeached the rest, but kept the secret which equally affected them all.
Though I had not been a gamester from inclination, and though I had not been from nature eagerly disposed to possess myself of the property of another, these examples alone would have been more than sufficient to corrupt me I soon began, therefore, to follow the fashion; I cast my eyes with eagerness all over the house, and whatever I could pilfer without being observed, was soon converted into money; but, unfortunately for me, I had no sooner acquired it, than I lost it again at play.
In addition to the opportunities which presented themselves to me to exercise my slight of hand at the Hotel, which might be compared to a sea open to all sorts of fishermen, I had my master’s private house, which, though indeed but a small river, in which it was not likely to take fish of any considerable size, yet afforded me one day tolerable good sport. My master regaled some of his friends, all good bottle-companions and fond of good cheer like himself, with a collation one afternoon, treating them with andouilles and hams, which caused them to drink three times as much as usual. During this entertainment I was at the Hotel, and when I had finished my work, returned home to see if I was wanted. The visitors were already gone, and I found the parlour intolerably hot and full of dust, the cloth still on the table, and the floor strewed with empty bottles, most of them broken. My master, whom I did not see, but whom I heard plain enough, was snoring on his bed so loud as to make the whole house ring with the noise; and my mistress, who was about as sober as her husband, lay by him sleeping as sound as a top.
I contemplated for some moments the remains of this debauch, when I happened to cast my eyes on a silver goblet which stood on the table, and resolved to steal it. I was certain that nobody had seen me come in, and I could leave the house again equally unobserved. This reflection was sufficient to determine me: “with your leave, Mr. Goblet,” whispered I, putting it into my pocket, “you shall pay me for these broken bottles;” then closing the door softly after me, I placed my booty in a safe place, and returned to the Hotel as though nothing had happened. Towards evening my master came into the kitchen, somewhat recovered of his debauch, but in so peevish a humor, that he complained of the merest trifles, and immediately began to quarrel with me for having a faggot too much on the fire. I made no answer, but accompanied him home after supper, where he immediately went to bed. As to his wife, she had so comfortable a nap, that she was now as composed as usual, except that she appeared dull and vexed about something. I enquired the cause with as much effrontery as if I had been entirely ignorant of it. She informed me that she could not find the goblet, telling me, at the same time, that it was not the value of the thing that she regretted, but the passion that her husband would be in when he missed it, from whom she should never hear the last of it.
I endeavoured to console her,—not to the utmost of my power, for nobody was so well able as myself had I been disposed,—but by representing to her that this goblet was not of so singular a manufacture, but that a fellow to it might be found in Madrid; that she had nothing therefore to do, but to purchase another of the same make and fashion, telling her husband that it was the same, which she had had fresh-washed, or that it was a new one she had bought by giving the other and a few reals in exchange. She approved of my advice, and requested me to endeavour to procure one for her; and so next day I carried the stolen goblet itself to a goldsmith’s a good way off from our house, desiring him to have it washed, which he promised to get done in such a manner for me, that it should appear as good as new.
I communicated this good news to my mistress. “Madam,” said I, “I have been fortunate enough to find a goblet at a Jeweller’s shop exactly resembling the one you have lost, but the quality and fashion of it are so excellent, that the very lowest price at which it can be procured is fifty six reals.” Anxious to avert the storm that threatened her, she counted me out that sum without hesitation, and gave me half a real for my trouble. I accordingly carried the aforesaid goblet to her in the evening, which she thought so exactly like the other, that she said she was convinced her husband would never know to the contrary.
The fruits of this worthy exploit enabled me to game afresh. It was, indeed, a considerable sum for a scullion to apply to such a purpose; but, alas! all these reals soon fell into the gulph which had already swallowed up the produce of my former knaveries. Those with whom I played were more experienced in the art than I was, although I had learnt among the beggars how to shift the cards, to make false cuts, and many other villainous tricks of the like nature.
About this time my master was desired to prepare an elegant dinner for a foreign prince who had newly arrived at Madrid. Early in the morning of the day preceding that on which this entertainment was to be given, the cook took me with him into the kitchen, where the purveyor had just sent provisions of every description necessary for the fete. We immediately began, before the others joined us, to set apart whatever we considered our dues of office, and soon filled a large sack, with loins of veal, hams, tongues, and all kinds of fowls, which we concealed until night, when I was desired to convey it home as privately as possible. This I could not do without great fatigue, so heavily was I laden. I afterwards returned to the kitchen, where I found employment until midnight in preparing fowls for dressing on the next day, and after I had finished my work, my master charged me with the care of a second sack containing hares, pheasants, and partridges, saying: “here, Guzman, carry this home safely, and go to rest my little friend; you will tell my wife that I know not how long it may be before I come home.” The liar! he knew well enough he should be obliged to remain all night at the Hotel, where his presence was absolutely necessary to superintend the other cooks, who were actively engaged under his directions. But he was rather inclined to be jealous, although his wife was no beauty; and he only sent her this message to deceive her, that she might regulate her conduct accordingly, evidently fearing that she might think fit to call in a neighbour to fill his place during his absence; this being a kind office which people are as ready to perform towards cooks, as towards other absent husbands.
Having reached home, the first thing I did was to hang the contents of my sack in rows along the wall, which formed a very pleasant looking tapestry; after which I began to think of going to bed, for I stood much in need of rest after so hard a day’s work. My mistress, who slept in the lower parlour, was already in bed. I ascended to my apartment, which was a garret into which the sun darted its rays from morning till night, making it as hot by night as by day. I threw off my shirt to be more cool, and stretched myself as naked as I was born on the sorry bed in which I usually lay; but my slumbers, sound as they were, were disturbed about an hour afterwards by a most frightful noise, occasioned by cats, who were fighting desperately, and the gallery appeared to me to be the field of battle. This made me uneasy: “there will be the devil to pay,” said I to myself, “if these malicious animals should fall upon our provender! it were best for me to go and see what is the matter, that creates so terrible a din.” Hereupon I jumped out of bed; and not staying to put on my shirt that I might not lose so much time, I hastened to descend into the gallery; but scarcely had I set foot on my ladder, for I had no other staircase, than I perceived a light before me, which stopped me short. I looked round to discover whence it proceeded, and observed a figure all naked like myself, and so black, that I took it to be no other than the devil himself. This phantom, which made me tremble like an aspen-leaf, was my mistress, who, having been also waked by the cats, had come to the assistance of our pheasants and partridges, with a lamp in her hand, and clothed like myself in puris naturalibus, having neglected to put her shift on again on so pressing an occasion. As we thought each other sound asleep, this precaution had been considered superfluous by us both. We perceived each other at the same moment, and if I took her for a devil, she took me for a spright. I shrieked out most horribly, and she echoed me with equal strength of lungs, and ran into her chamber almost frightened to death, whilst I endeavoured to regain my garret; but as my ill-luck would have it, I slipped from the ladder, and fell with such violence into the gallery that I was bruised from head to foot.
I got up again with considerable difficulty, and groped my way along in the dark until I came to a place where I knew there was a tinder-box as well as some matches and ends of candles. I obtained a light, with which I returned to the gallery, to see whether the combatants were still there; but our cries had frightened them away. Finding that the enemy was fled, I examined the articles with which I had lined the walls, one after another, and found that the bloody battle, the noise of which had disturbed my mistress and myself, had been occasioned by the contention for a larded hare, for a share of which the cats had disputed with so much rage that there was nothing remaining of it but the bones.
I put all our provisions as much out of their reach as I could, and went to bed again: but to sleep was impossible, for in addition to the pain caused by my bruises, I could not get my mistress’s figure out of my mind, whose swarthy skin I fancied still before my eyes. The sight of a woman like this naked, is frightful indeed!
Day having at length come to dispel the visions of so disagreeable a night, I rose and dressed myself to attend my master, who had given me strict orders to be with him very early in the morning. As soon as I saw him, he inquired after his wife and family, and I told him that my mistress was well, and that I had left every thing in the house in good order; not thinking it prudent to inform him of the adventure of the cats, for fear he should think fit to impute to me the sad fate that the hare had met with, and punish me for my negligence accordingly.
The bustle and confusion in which our kitchen now was, in preparing to entertain the prince who was expected, would have formed a fine subject for a painter. Every one was in action, not only those employed in the kitchen, but also those who were constantly passing to and fro. We needed only to ask to have any thing, which every one took care to do pretty freely. The provisions seemed to vanish as quickly as they appeared; one said, “bring me sugar for the tarts,” and another cried, “bring me more tarts to be sugared.” Thus it was with all the rest; nothing was necessary but to vary the manner of asking a little, to obtain any thing twice or thrice over. We called these grand entertainments jubilees, as though we thought to obtain indulgences by robbing the master whose bread we were eating. It is certain that the river overflowed on these occasions on all sides, and the fish swam in deep water. For my own part, being but a small sparrow-hawk, I waited patiently until the kites and other larger birds of prey had their talons full; in the mean time, however, my hands itched so immoderately, that I could not refrain from dipping into a basket of eggs, and slipped half a dozen of them into my pocket.
Ill luck still pursued me; my master saw me; and wishing to establish the reputation of an honest man and zealous servant at my expence, in the presence of so many of the house servants, he came up to me with a savage countenance, and gave me such a kick that he lay me sprawling on the ground, and as I happened to fall on that side where I had the pocketful of eggs, they all broke, and made an omelet which ran down my thighs, to the great amusement of the company present, with the exception of my master, who still looked very serious, and adding menaces and reproaches to insult, told me, that “he would teach me to steal in so great a lord’s house.” I was so enraged at the behaviour of this rascally cook towards me, that it was with great difficulty I refrained from answering, that nobody, indeed, could teach me better than himself; and that those eggs for which he had chastised me were laid by the fowls he had ordered me to carry home to his house the night before; but I held my tongue, and thereby escaped any further kicking, with which so laconic an answer would certainly have been rewarded. Take lesson from my behaviour on this occasion, reader, if you happen to be so fortunate as to recollect it, when you feel desirous to show your wit by some satirical speech which may be of ill consequence to you in your future welfare.
Notwithstanding this unlucky accident, I managed afterwards to pocket, unobserved, two partridges, four quails, and half of a roast pheasant, with some sweetbreads of veal, which I secured less from interest than to try my dexterity; not being willing to have it said of me, that I had been at court without seeing the King, or at a wedding without kissing the bride. The banquet being over, as my master and I were returning home together in the evening, he said to me; “Guzman, my friend, think no more of what passed between us in the kitchen this morning; forget the kick I was obliged to give you; it behoved me more than you can imagine to treat you in this manner: it was a piece of policy, for which I was sorry in the main. But think of it no longer, my lad, and to make you amends for this little accident I will make you a present of a new pair of shoes to morrow.” This was an article I was so much in need of, that I was delighted with the promise, and my resentment against him instantly subsided. He did not, however, keep his word, being prevented by what happened the next day.
My mistress gave me a very sour look when we got home; whence I conceived that she had taken an aversion to me on account of the last night’s adventure, and I was not deceived in my opinion, for she seemed, evidently, ashamed to look me in the face. But I am convinced that she was less mortified at my having seen her naked, than afraid of the fine report I might make of the adventure. I went to bed, however, without feeling much anxiety as to what she thought, and resolved to sell the game and veal sweetbreads I had stolen the next day. I rose so early in the morning, that I left my master in bed, and ran to the market, quite sure that I should have abundance of time to dispose of my merchandize, and still to get to the hotel before him. I soon found a purchaser in an old cook, whom I never fail to curse whenever I happen to think of him, who professed himself ready to buy whatever I had. I was so pressed for time that the bargain was soon struck; and I agreed to let him have my provisions for six reals, and was only waiting for my money to start off as swift as a roebuck; but this old dotard was as punctilious and slow as I was hasty and impatient. He must first put a register which he held in his hand under his arm, then take off his ragged gloves, and hang them to his girdle; after which he pulled out his spectacles and spent about half an hour in cleaning them to examine the money he was going to pay me.
In vain did I entreat him to make more haste, telling him I had an affair of consequence which called me elsewhere; he was deaf to my prayer. How long a time did he consume in untying his purse, and how many pieces of money did he amuse himself with looking at, one after another, before he began counting the money into my hands, by quarters and half quarters of reals, and even maravedis: all this almost drove me mad. “What, old fumbler,” muttered I between my teeth: “can such a trifling old cur wish to enrage me, or to amuse me here, until my master, who is already suspicious of me, and who, perhaps, is at this moment looking every where for me, come up and surprise me?” This, it appears, I had more reason to apprehend than I imagined; the cook had heard me leave the house, and was much surprised at such extraordinary diligence; and suspecting that I had some new scheme in my head, he got up and dressed himself hastily that he might be at my heels; so that he stood immediately behind me at the very moment the old man had at last got over the ceremony of paying me. “Ho! ho! my boy,” cried my master, seizing me by the hand and taking the money, “what fine bargain is this you are making?” At these words I stood more confounded than a smuggler who is caught in the fact. I made no reply, and was even patient enough to submit to another good kick, accompanied by a thousand reproaches. He did not leave me until he had forbidden me ever to enter his house again, and threatened to thrash me soundly if I was ever insolent enough to pass the door of the hotel. My friend the merchant, unluckily for him, remained on the spot until the close of this scene, which was, in consequence, little better for him than for me; for attributing my present misfortune to this old sorcerer, I fell on him in my passion, and snatched my partridges and pheasants, telling him I was determined to have my own goods, and that he might get his money if he could from the knave who had run off with it. Thus saying, I disappeared like a flash of lightning, to sell my game in some other market, leaving this phlegmatic old gentleman to his own thoughts upon the adventure, which he most probably considered a plan concerted between the cook and me to cheat him out of his money.
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END OF VOL. I.
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London: Printed by J. Nichols and Son,
25, Parliament-street.