SCENE.—Same as Act I.
(Two weeks have elapsed since the events in the preceding Act. For alteration of furniture, see notes at end of play.)
(JOHN AYERS and TULLY are seated at a small table down C. JOHN in arm-chair on right of table. TULLY in small chair left of table. They are playing cards. JOHN is dressed in pyjamas with blanket round him as in Act I. TULLY wears a lounge suit and slippers.)
(As the curtain rises JOHN is shuffling the cards and dealing for nap.)
(PAMELA enters from bedroom R. and then adjusts her hat, looking in mirror by fireplace. She wears the pearl necklace.)
(JOHN deals.)
PAMELA. I must say I think it is very good of you, Mr. Tully.
TULLY. Beg pardon, Mrs. Ayers.
PAMELA. I say it’s very good of you to come and sit with John as you do.
TULLY. Oh, not at all, Mrs. Ayers. It’s a pleasure. John’s one of the best, in the world.
JOHN (quickly). No, that’s not your card. (Picking up one of TULLY’S cards and looking at it.) Oh, yes it is. (Putting card down again.)
TULLY. But he’s a dirty cheat.
JOHN. Heaven helps those who help themselves.
TULLY. No, John, we’re here to help others.
JOHN. Then what are the others here for?
TULLY. To help the others, I suppose.
JOHN (calling to hand). Well, I’ll go two.
TULLY. Now, Mrs. Ayers, didn’t we stipulate that there were to be no two’s? (To JOHN.) At two-handed nap you can’t call less than three surely.
(They both argue loudly.)
PAMELA (looking round). Now don’t quarrel, there’s good children.
JOHN. Tully’s a bad loser.
TULLY. I’m not. You’re a bad player. How can we possibly call two’s—it’s no game at all.
JOHN. Well, I go—three!
TULLY. Very good, I pass three.
(They play the hand. PAMELA strolls down, putting on gloves, and watches game.)
JOHN. Play to that. I’ll give you “two’s.” That’s one. (Plays again.)
TULLY. Trump! Aha!
JOHN. I’m not afraid of that.
TULLY. You won’t get this. (Plays card.)
JOHN. Thank you. (Leads again.)
TULLY (takes the trick). That’s another one up against you. (Leads again.)
JOHN (takes the trick). Got it! Got it! Got it!
(PAMELA comes down to top of table.)
TULLY. Nothing could touch a hand like that.
JOHN (teasing TULLY). You get the cards, Tully, but you don’t know how to play them.
PAMELA. Oh, I think Mr. Tully plays a very excellent game.
(They start dealing.)
Now just a moment.
JOHN. Where are you going?
PAMELA. I just want to run round and see how mother is. I’ll leave John in your care, Mr. Tully.
TULLY. Certainly, Mrs. Ayers.
PAMELA (to TULLY). Would you mind answering the door?
JOHN. Answering the door? Of course he will. What’s he here for?
PAMELA. We sent the maids away a week ago, they talk so.
JOHN. Cook said she knew positively there was nothing the matter with me at all.
PAMELA. So I’ve given them a holiday.
TULLY. Much the wisest thing to do.
PAMELA (to TULLY). If the inspector or the doctor from the ’bus company calls, just ask him in and say I shall not be long. And you, John——
JOHN. Oh, I shall get into bed like a flash of lightning.
PAMELA. I don’t suppose they’ll come.
JOHN (looking at PAMELA). Do you think it’s wise to wear that necklace on these dark nights. You might have it stolen.
PAMELA (smiling and displaying necklace). Ah! I’ve been waiting for you to notice it.
JOHN. Well, it’s running a risk. I should leave it at home if I were you.
PAMELA. Does it look valuable to you?
JOHN. Of course it does.
PAMELA. Well, it isn’t—this is only imitation.
TULLY. Oh, it looks just the same to me.
PAMELA. Mother had the real one copied for thirty shillings, she was so afraid I should lose it.
TULLY. That’s very thoughtful.
JOHN. Mother does know.
PAMELA (posing). But it looks genuine, doesn’t it?
JOHN. It looks jolly good. (Artfully.) What have you done with the real one?
PAMELA. Ah! that’s telling! I’m never going to part with that as long as I live. (Crossing to door L.). Shall I give your love to mother?
JOHN. No!
PAMELA. John!
JOHN. I mean yes.
(Exit PAMELA.)
Yes, if you like. (To TULLY.) That’s the fourteenth love I’ve sent to mother this week.
(Door slams off L.)
(TULLY shuffles cards.)
I don’t mind telling you, Tully, I’m more than sick of this business. I’ve been shut up now for nearly a fortnight.
TULLY. But the doctor from the ’bus company ought to have called on you long ago.
JOHN. He did call—last Friday week, and I happened to be out. Just my luck. Pam saw him and made some excuse, and he said he’d call again. But he hasn’t been near the place since.
(TULLY deals the cards for nap.)
TULLY. Their idea is of course to tire you out.
JOHN. And we’ve got to be careful. Did you read about Dick Turner?
TULLY. He got his five hundred pounds out of them, didn’t he?
JOHN. Yes. But do you know the latest? They’re going to have him up for fraud.
TULLY. Oh, dear! dear! dear! What does Mrs. Ayers say about it?
JOHN. The Turner case has rather upset her. She’s terribly afraid of the law. If you mention the word she has a panic.
TULLY. So you see, good people are the happiest after all.
JOHN. But they don’t always look it. (Looks at TULLY with a grin.) Let me see now, it’s my call, isn’t it?
TULLY. No, John, you called last time.
JOHN. So I did. You’re quite right.
TULLY (jubilant). I’m going nap!
JOHN. You’re—going—nap?
TULLY. Yes!
JOHN (rising). Hark! It’s the doctor—the doctor from the ’bus company. (Flings off blanket and rushes to door R., groaning as if in pain.)
TULLY (runs to window). There’s nobody there. Desist! (Comes down to door L.) Desist!
(JOHN stops groaning.)
There’s nobody at the door—not a sign of anyone.
JOHN. Really, are you sure? (Coming to table C.)
TULLY. Quite sure.
JOHN (mixing cards up all together). All right! Deal again. Deal again. (Sits.)
TULLY (comes to table—looks with disgust at cards, gathers them up and sits). It’s a very funny thing, John, but every time I call nap you imagine you hear the doctor coming. Coincidence, I suppose. (Gives a big sigh.)
JOHN. What’s the matter with you, Tully? Have you ever been in love?
TULLY (looks and smiles). I was nearly caught once.
JOHN. Oh, what was her name?
TULLY. Agnes. (Sorrowfully.) She made a vow that if she ever met a really good man she would love him though he be as ugly as sin.
JOHN. And she loved you?
TULLY. Devotedly.
JOHN. Why didn’t you marry the girl?
TULLY. She was so expensive.
JOHN. They all are. I don’t believe woman was the rib of man I believe she was the expendix—I mean the appendix—no use to anybody.
TULLY. That’s what makes me so timid. I’m so afraid that one of these days some woman will get me into a corner and make me do something thoughtless. (Cards dealt.)
JOHN. I shouldn’t worry about that if I were you. Let me see, it’s my call, isn’t it?
TULLY. Yes.
JOHN. Well, I pass!
TULLY. You pass? Well—I—I—you can’t hear the doctor coming, can you?
JOHN. N—o.
TULLY. Well, I’m going—nap!!
JOHN. What again?
TULLY. You haven’t given me a chance yet!
JOHN (rises). I have an idea.
TULLY. No, no, play this hand first; I’ve called nap.
JOHN (searches on table L.C.). No, it’s not there.
TULLY. What are you looking for?
JOHN. The—real necklace!
TULLY. She wouldn’t leave it about like that.
JOHN. You don’t know—she might.
(Postman’s double knock heard off L.)
(Rushing for bedroom door.) The doctor! The doctor! (The blanket is left in arm-chair.)
TULLY. It isn’t—it isn’t the doctor. It’s the postman. It’s the postman. I know his knock.
(JOHN goes out of door L., returns with a letter and reads it C.)
JOHN (speaking off). Yes! You’re right. There’s a letter in the box. (Enters.)
TULLY. I told you it was only the postman. Do come and play this nap out. I’ve got such beautiful cards!
JOHN. Hang your nap—this is serious. It’s from little Mamie Scott.
TULLY. Mamie Scott? Who’s she?
JOHN. You know—your wife!
TULLY. Oh, don’t start that again, please! (Rises.)
JOHN (reading from letter). “The Rajah declines to wait any longer for his necklace and threatens to place the matter in the hands of the police.”
TULLY. Oh, dear! dear! dear!
JOHN. You’d better go and tell her the necklace is having its clasp repaired and is coming back from the jeweller’s to-morrow.
TULLY. Is it?
JOHN. Oh, do have a little common sense. I think I know where to find her. Put on your hat and go round to the Five Hundred Club.
TULLY. Is that a ladies’ club?
JOHN. No—er—mixed.
TULLY. No, I couldn’t do that—really.
JOHN. Why not?
TULLY. I never believed in mixed schools or mixed bathing, and I’m certainly not going to a mixed club at my time of life.
JOHN. All you’ve got to do is to ask for Miss Mamie Scott.
TULLY. No, no. I’ve never been to such a place as the Five Hundred Club in my life.
JOHN. Take your Cheque Book with you. They’ll make you very welcome.
TULLY. A great deal too welcome, I expect. No, I couldn’t do it. Why don’t you go?
JOHN. How can I? I’m ill in bed. It’s a hundred to one if I put my foot on the doorstep I should run into the arms of the doctor, Pamela and the whole ’bus company. Ruin, divorce and fraud await me on the doorstep.
TULLY. Well, I’m not going.
JOHN. Don’t forget you’re in this as well as me; if that necklace is lost you’re a party to it.
TULLY. Oh, don’t say that.
JOHN. You’ve acknowledged that little woman as your wife. She’s not the sort to be played with.
TULLY. Oh, don’t talk like that.
JOHN. But I do talk like that.
TULLY. Here—take my key—step over the balcony—(pointing to window L.C.)—get through my window and go out through my flat and come back the same way.
JOHN. Along the balcony and through your flat! They wouldn’t see me then. I could do it in twenty minutes in a taxi, couldn’t I?
TULLY. Easily!
JOHN. Top-hole—that’s splendid!
(Exit door R.)
TULLY. There isn’t a soul at home—the maid’s out. (At card-table—calling.) I say, you’ll play this nap out when you come back?
JOHN (spoken off). What say?
TULLY. You’ll play this nap out when you come back?
JOHN (spoken off). Oh yes!
TULLY. I’ll leave the cards just as they are.
JOHN (spoken off). Right-o!
TULLY. I won’t look at your hand.
JOHN (off). All right!
TULLY. Do you know this is the fourth nap I’ve been done out of?
JOHN (off). Bad luck!
TULLY. How long will you be?
JOHN (off). About twenty minutes, I should say.
TULLY. Somehow I don’t quite like being left here alone.
JOHN (off). Why not?
TULLY. I have a presentiment of impending disaster.
JOHN (off). Say it again!
TULLY (shouting). I have an impediment of presenting disaster.
(JOHN enters in overcoat, muffler and hat. N.B.—He completes his change after next exit.)
JOHN. You do get hold of the most absurd expressions! Now, all we’ve got to do is to keep Mamie quiet until we get this money and then everything will be O.K. (Crossing up to window, L.C.). I’ll be as quick as I can. Which way do I go?
(Both by open window up L.C.)
TULLY. Just step over the balcony.
(Exit JOHN through window.)
The second window to the right. (Calling after JOHN.) Mind the geraniums, just step over them and don’t be seen.
JOHN (heard off). They’ll take me for a creeper, won’t they?
(TULLY stands out on balcony watching JOHN.)
(PAMELA rushes in dramatically, closing the door after her.)
PAMELA. John! John! The doctor—the doctor. (Rushes across and opens door R., calling off.) John! The doctor from the Motor ’Bus Company is coming—John. (Back to C., moves card-table to L.) John, John! Where are you!
(TULLY comes down from window.)
Oh, Mr. Tully, where’s John?
TULLY. I couldn’t say at the moment.
PAMELA. John! Is he in the house?
(TULLY opening and shutting his mouth, but saying nothing.)
Oh, please don’t stand there yawning!
TULLY. I’m not yawning. I’m trying to say something.
PAMELA. Where—is—John?
TULLY (with a gulp). He’s out.
PAMELA. Out! Impossible! Are you sure?
TULLY. Q—q—quite sure.
PAMELA. Where has he gone?
TULLY. He’s gone to—five hundred clubs——
PAMELA (turning down L.). Great Heavens! And we’ve waited for this day!
TULLY. We? We’ve waited for this day?
PAMELA (dashes to door L. Stands with her back to it). Mr. Tully, you and I are the only people in this house.
TULLY (alarmed and going down R.) Oh, don’t say that—don’t say that?
PAMELA. We cannot miss this opportunity!
TULLY. Opportunity? Can’t we? Oh, don’t say that! Don’t say that! (Moving away in apprehension.)
PAMELA. But I do say it. (Crossing C.) And you can’t have an atom of pluck unless you do as I ask.
TULLY. Really, this is most embarrassing.
PAMELA (madly). I want you to get into pyjamas as quickly as you can. (Removes her hat and putting it on table L.C.)
TULLY. Get into pyjamas! I’ve never been asked to do such a thing in my life! (Trembling all over.) Not for all the gold in the Bank of England, Mrs. Ayers.
PAMELA (coming C.). Yes, yes, please. For my sake! dear Mr. Tully (Then up to window L.)
TULLY. Not for any woman breathing. Your endearments are wasted on me. Oh, I knew this would happen one day. I knew some woman would get me into a corner.
PAMELA. I only want you to take John’s place.
TULLY. Hoh! Hoh!
PAMELA. Please—please—(advancing to TULLY)—just for a little time while John is out.
TULLY. But it’s right against my principles.
PAMELA. It’s our only chance. (Crosses to arm-chair, kneels on front of it, looking up at TULLY, who is behind it, and pleading.) He may be back here at any moment. You’ll have to do this for me really, Mr. Tully.
TULLY. I’ll never do it unless you use force—and a woman can’t force a man to get into pyjamas. It isn’t legal! (Dashes up to window R. PAMELA follows him.) If you come any nearer I’ll shriek from the window!
(Bell heard off L.)
PAMELA (up to window L. quickly—looks out—then back again). There is the doctor! I knew it! Now what on earth are we going to do
TULLY. The doctor??
PAMELA. Yes, the doctor!
TULLY. The doctor??? (Sits in arm-chair.) Oh—the doctor! Why didn’t you make your meaning clear just now?
PAMELA. What did you think I meant?
(TULLY very embarrassed.)
What did you think I meant? (Coming down to TULLY.)
TULLY. Well, what you said.
(Bell heard off L.)
PAMELA. That man is out there on the doorstep now, and—and there’s no John. A doctor and no patient! And we swore he was unable to leave his bed.
TULLY. Oh, dear, dear, dear!
(Bell heard off L.—Both listen.)
(Rising.) Perhaps if we keep quite quiet he’ll go away.
PAMELA. No, he knows we must be in the house. Mr. Tully, this doctor has never even seen John—doesn’t know him from Adam.
TULLY. I won’t impersonate Adam!
PAMELA. Would it be asking too much of you to let him think that you—are—my husband?
TULLY. Well, if you put it like that, and you think I could, I’ll do my best.
PAMELA. Very well, go and get into bed.
TULLY. Oh no, I couldn’t get into bed. I can’t bear people to see me in bed. What about the chair? The inspector saw John when he was sitting up. Why couldn’t he see me in the chair?
(Bell heard off.)
PAMELA. Oh, very well. Be as quick as you can. I’ll keep the doctor talking. (Crossing to door L.) Groan—groan when you’re ready. Get into John’s pyjamas. (At door.) I’d do the same for you!
(PAMELA runs off L.)
TULLY. Oh! O-oh!
(TULLY runs off R.)
(TULLY re-enters with pyjamas, puts them on back of arm-chair, looks round room, hops up to window L., draws curtains, hops along to window R., draws curtains—goes to Standard lamp above door L., switches off light—then over to arm-chair—he puts on pyjama jacket over clothes, picks up pyjama trousers, holds them against himself—then looks towards doors R. and L., as if some one might be looking through keyholes, goes to fireplace and brings small firescreen to down to R. of arm-chair—puts on trousers, jumps himself into them, fastens them up, takes screen back to fireplace, comes back to arm-chair, wraps blanket round him, lies back in arm-chair and groans loudly. PAMELA enters and crosses to TULLY.)
PAMELA. I’ve told him you’re not awake. Pretend to be asleep. (Switches on lights and exit L. Re-enters almost immediately holding door open.) Oh, come in, doctor. (Then crossing to TULLY.)
(DR. BIGLAND enters, hat and bag in hand. He is a fairly corpulent man of fifty, and blunt in manner—places hat and bag on small table down L.)
This is our patient, doctor. (Gets to back of arm-chair.)
DOCTOR. Ahem! Wouldn’t he be better in bed?
PAMELA. That is what I try to impress on him, but he says he feels the pain less sitting up. And you can’t persuade him; his mind seems thoroughly unhinged since the accident.
(DOCTOR crosses over to TULLY, puts head to TULLY’S heart. TULLY makes a face. DOCTOR raises his head, almost catching TULLY making a face.)
A pity to wake him, don’t you think?
(DOCTOR still examining TULLY.)
This is the best sleep he’s had for weeks.
(JOHN is entering by window L., seeing DOCTOR he retires immediately.)
DOCTOR (having finished his examination, crosses C.) I understood he was quite a small man.
(TULLY slides down in chair, trying to make himself look smaller—a very conspicuous movement.)
PAMELA. Yes, he was. But he seems to have grown considerably since the accident.
(DOCTOR goes to TULLY, feels his pulse.)
Oh, don’t wake him, please doctor.
DOCTOR. Oh, I shan’t wake him. Don’t worry!
(TULLY snores loudly.)
(To PAMELA.) Any throat trouble.
PAMELA. No—I—er—he hasn’t complained of any.
DOCTOR. Keeps you awake at night a good deal, I dare say? (Going L.)
PAMELA. Oh! yes. He—does.
DOCTOR. By the way, has Mr. Trippett, the inspector of claims for our company—has he been here to-day?
PAMELA. No—no, doctor—not to my knowledge.
DOCTOR. I was wondering, that’s all. He said he would meet me here to discuss the case.
(TULLY shows nervousness.)
PAMELA. No, I don’t think he’s called.
DOCTOR. Ah, probably he’ll come later. This matter has been hanging on too long, you know. It ought to have been settled up days ago.
PAMELA. Yes, I quite—quite agree.
DOCTOR (takes out watch). Well, I have another call to pay—close by here. I’ll look back a little later on. Perhaps he’ll be awake then.
PAMELA. Thank you, doctor. (Crosses to door L., holds door open.)
DOCTOR (picks up hat and follows her). Allow me. (Is going off.)
(TULLY rises in chair and stares after him.)
Oh, I’m forgetting my bag (Turning he almost catches TULLY looking, TULLY collapses immediately.)
PAMELA. The weather keeps warm—doe-doe-doesn’t it—d-d-doctor?
DOCTOR (picking up bag). It d-d-does—indeed.
(Exit DOCTOR L., followed by PAMELA.)
(JOHN enters at window L., comes down quickly, places hat on table L.C., comes to TULLY. TULLY starts up.)
JOHN. Who told you to do this?
TULLY. That’s the doctor from the ’Bus Company.
JOHN. And those are my new pyjamas. (Throwing coat and scarf on to settee at back.)
TULLY. I know—I know—er——
(Enter PAMELA.)
PAMELA. Oh, there you are, John!
JOHN (angrily). Who, who is responsible for this absurd jumble? (Pointing to TULLY.) And who does the doctor think that is?
PAMELA. Why you! You, of course. There was no one else here when the doctor came, and some one had to be ill in bed.
JOHN. But not in a—chair! I know this game backwards. If you can get five hundred in bed, you can’t get fifty in a chair. (To TULLY.) You’ve mucked up the whole show!
TULLY. I’m quite sure I didn’t want to do it. (Turns his back on JOHN.)
JOHN (holding forth). And it’s not very flattering to me if he goes out and about and becomes known as John Ayers.
TULLY. I simply did it to oblige your wife.
JOHN. If you are in the habit of getting into those things simply to oblige ladies, you’ll soon find yourself in the Divorce Court.
TULLY. Don’t be cruel. (Going R.)
PAMELA. It’s no use arguing. The doctor has only gone a little way, and he’ll be back here at any minute.
JOHN (to PAMELA). Surely you could have kept the doctor waiting a little while, or made some excuse?
PAMELA. What possible excuse could I make? Last time he called I said you were in your bath.
JOHN. But that was last Friday week; surely another bath wouldn’t be out of place by now!
(TULLY begins to remove trousers of pyjamas.)
PAMELA (alarmed). Mr. Tully—please—please not in my presence!
JOHN. For Heaven’s sake be decent—be decent!
TULLY (goes up to fireplace, gets behind screen and refastens strings of pyjamas). I’ve had enough of this.
JOHN (back to C.). Can’t you see the awful situation we’re in? If Trippett calls he’ll demand to see me; if the doctor comes he’ll expect to see Tully—and if they both come together—Heaven help us!
PAMELA. Hush—Sh! (Hurries up to window L.)
(JOHN and TULLY start back in fear.)
JOHN. What is it? What is it?
PAMELA (coming down). Ah! It’s nothing!
JOHN. Well, don’t do it, Pam. It unnerves me.
TULLY (coming down R.). I’d give anything to be out of this.
JOHN. Of course you would. Always thinking of yourself.
(TULLY stoops and pulls down leg of pyjamas.)
And don’t stretch those pyjamas!
TULLY. I don’t enjoy the best of health. I shan’t be a nuisance to you much longer.
JOHN. Why talk like that—you know you will.
(TULLY goes up to window R.)
PAMELA. I can’t say that I am enjoying the situation.
JOHN. Well, don’t lose your heads.
PAMELA. Well, what are we going to do?
JOHN (hand to forehead). Already I have the whole scheme laid out here. It’s perfectly simple. This is absolutely an inspiration. Tully—Tully—must—cut—off—his—moustache!
TULLY (crossing to JOHN). No—I’m ready to oblige to a certain extent—but I’m not going to be messed about!
JOHN. It’s absolutely necessary. I’ve always been clean-shaven, and it’s the first thing that is noticed in a man. (To PAMELA.) Now get me a pair of scissors—quickly. (Pushing TULLY into arm-chair R.)
(PAMELA gets scissors from table L.C. and takes them to JOHN. She stands in front of TULLY. JOHN cuts off TULLY’S moustache.)
TULLY. I protest. I’m not going to be chopped about.
JOHN (over TULLY). If you only keep still you won’t know anything about it. Now, don’t move or I shall hurt you.
TULLY. I protest—I pro—gurr! gurr!
PAMELA (holding TULLY down in arm-chair). Oh, don’t choke him, John!
JOHN. I wouldn’t do anything in the world against his wishes. Keep still. Bertram!
(Moustache is cut off. JOHN goes down R. PAMELA goes down L. TULLY sits up in chair.)
I don’t know why you are making all this fuss. There’s practically nothing of it when you come to gather it up. There! I’ve never seen you look so handsome. (Placing moustache in waistcoat pocket.)
PAMELA. Really, I think it suits you, Mr. Tully.
TULLY. But don’t you see, the doctor’s already seen me with a moustache.
JOHN. Oh, lor!
TULLY. And this is my flute night down at the Mission. (Bell heard off L.)
PAMELA. It’s the doctor back again, I expect.
(Runs up to window L., looks off.)
JOHN (pulling TULLY out of chair.) Go on, get into bed. (Leads TULLY to door R.)
TULLY. You don’t think he’ll operate on me? Do you?
(Exit TULLY door R.)
PAMELA. John, it’s a woman.
JOHN (advancing) A woman!
PAMELA. It’s Mrs. Tully——
JOHN (back quickly to door R., puts back against it). Mrs. Tully!!!
PAMELA (comes down C.) Whatever is she coming here for?
JOHN. She knows I’m an invalid and can’t leave the house, and I suppose she imagines that her husband is here. Now, you had better not be seen. Go across quickly into the dining-room (crossing to PAMELA) and shut yourself in.
PAMELA. I want to know exactly why Mrs. Tully has called here.
JOHN. There’s no time to discuss anything. Will you please go and hide in the dining-room?
PAMELA. And leave you alone with that woman? Most certainly not!
JOHN. Then perhaps you will be good enough to explain to Mrs. Tully why her husband is in your bedroom!
PAMELA. No, no! Why can’t you explain it.
JOHN. Not in your presence.
PAMELA. Couldn’t Mr. Tully explain if we send his wife in to him?
JOHN. Good heavens, no! He’d go mad!
PAMELA. Why should he?
JOHN. Well—er—he’s only recently been married, and he’s not in his own flat or in his own bed. Hang it, he’s not in his own pyjamas!
PAMELA. Well, I’m going to ask him. (To door R.)
JOHN. Do please listen to reason, Pam.
PAMELA (knocking on door and calling to TULLY). Mr. Tully, are you in bed?
TULLY (heard off). Yes!
PAMELA. Your wife has called.
TULLY (heard off—a long moan of agony). Oh-h-h-h!
PAMELA. I say your wife has called. We are sending her in to you.
TULLY. Oh-o-h-h-h!
PAMELA. Will you kindly explain everything to her?
(Glass and crockery crash off R.)
(PAMELA staggers back from door. JOHN backs up a little rather frightened.)
JOHN. That’s done it!
(TULLY dashes into room—makes a dive for door L. JOHN catches him and swings him into chair L.C. TULLY has blanket round his shoulders and head. He half sits, half lies, in chair in a collapsed condition.)
TULLY. Let me go—let me go!
JOHN (across to PAMELA). I told you what would happen.
PAMELA. Shall I go and fetch mother?
JOHN. Fetch mother! Good heavens, no! Give the poor devil a chance. Have you got any smelling salts?
PAMELA. Scent spray——
JOHN. Yes, that’ll do.
(PAMELA gets scent spray from mantelpiece and gives it to JOHN. JOHN squirts scent into TULLY’S face. TULLY sneezes loudly.)
PAMELA. It’s the most extraordinary thing I’ve ever experienced—to see a man so afraid of his wife.
JOHN. Ah, some of us don’t show it like he does.
(Bell heard off L.)
His marriage was a mistake from the first. (To PAMELA.) Will you go into the dining-room now, and I’ll see Mrs. Tully here in the presence of her husband and explain everything.
PAMELA. If Mr. Tully will promise to remain in the room.
JOHN. Yes! Yes!
TULLY. No! No!
JOHN (threatening TULLY with spray). Yes—yes! (TULLY cowers into blanket.) (To PAMELA.) Now go along as quickly as you can. (Places spray table R.C.)
PAMELA (crossing to door L.). But understand I shall expect to hear Mr. Tully’s voice the whole time.
JOHN (crossing L.). You shall—you shall. He shan’t leave the room. And when he’s not talking I’ll get him to sing.
(Exit PAMELA briskly L.)
(Turning to TULLY.) Go and let Mamie in as quickly as you can—show her in here—then stand by that door and don’t let anyone else in on any account—and sing—just through the key-hole. It’ll keep Mrs. Ayers quiet.
TULLY (crossing to door L.). You won’t leave me alone with Miss Fluffie Scott again, will you?
JOHN. I’ll get rid of her as soon as ever I can. Go and let her in quickly.
(TULLY runs out of door L.)
(JOHN holds the door open looking off—a moment and MAMIE hurries in.)
Come along, Mamie.
(JOHN shuts door, forgetting all about TULLY, and catches TULLY’S arm in the door. TULLY gives a yell of pain, waggling his hurt fingers.)
Oh, sorry old man, I forgot!
(TULLY shuts door.)
Now don’t leave that door whatever you do—and sing—sing! (JOHN goes to MAMIE, who is C.)
(TULLY stands close to door L. and sings “The Rosary.”)
MAMIE (anxiously). Jack, Jack! Did you get my letter?
JOHN. Your letter? What letter?
MAMIE (seeing TULLY, who is singing loudly). What’s that?
JOHN. It’s all right. He’s not listening.
MAMIE. I wrote you about the necklace.
JOHN. But I sent you word last week that the necklace was in the hands of the jeweller.
MAMIE. I know. I told the Rajah that, and he won’t believe me. He’s simply furious. Where is the jeweller’s? Let me take it back to him whether it’s damaged or not. Do!
JOHN. But there isn’t time. I’m expecting my wife at any moment, and you must get away from here.
MAMIE. But I dare not go home without it. (Throwing her arms round JOHN’S neck.) Darling, do please!
(TULLY embarrassed, sings louder than ever.)
JOHN (to TULLY). Oh, dry up, dry up! (To MAMIE.) Well, now I’ll tell you the truth—the jeweller sent the necklace back yesterday, and I’ve given it to my wife to take care of.
MAMIE (joyfully). Then you’ve got it! You’ve got it!
TULLY (runs towards JOHN). You’ve got it? You never told me!
JOHN (to TULLY, sharply). Watch that door!
(TULLY resumes singing “The Rosary.”)
(To MAMIE.) Yes, Mrs. Ayers is wearing it.
MAMIE. Oh, I am pleased. But why didn’t she give it to Mr. Tully, if she thinks I’m his wife?
JOHN. Ah, that’s the point—that’s the trouble. (Nodding his head towards TULLY.) There are some people in this world you can’t trust.
MAMIE. I could tell you a few things about Mr. Tully. Ask him if he knows a girl called Agnes—she teaches him ragtime down at the Mission.
(TULLY sings louder.)
JOHN (to TULLY). Oh, dry up! Will you dry up!!!
(TULLY drops on “all fours” and stops singing.)
MAMIE (looking at TULLY). What’s he doing there? Saying his prayers?
JOHN. He must keep to that door in case Mrs. Ayers comes back.
(TULLY has stopped singing and is trying hard not to listen.)
MAMIE. Well, give me the necklace, and I’ll be off at once.
JOHN. I’ll send it on to you to-morrow.
MAMIE. No, I dare not go home without it.
JOHN. But how can I give it to you? Mrs. Ayers is wearing it round her neck.
MAMIE. Can’t I wait till she returns?
JOHN. No, no! She doesn’t know you’re here. And you must leave at once before she comes back.
(PAMELA knocks loudly outside door. TULLY jumps up. MAMIE and JOHN start—all silent.)
PAMELA (off). I can’t hear Mr. Tully’s voice!
JOHN (to TULLY). Sing! sing!
(TULLY resumes singing: “I hear you calling me.”)
MAMIE. That is Mrs. Ayers—now you can give me the necklace.
JOHN (back to MAMIE). That’s impossible. I don’t want her to know you’re here.
MAMIE (raising her voice). But it doesn’t matter if she thinks I am Mrs. Tully!
TULLY. (crosses to JOHN). I object to that being shouted broadcast.
JOHN (to TULLY). You keep quiet! (To MAMIE.) You see, he objects—and don’t be so unfeeling. We’re expecting the doctor here at any minute, I’m as ill as I can be, and Tully may be operated on at any moment.
(Grimaces from TULLY.)
MAMIE. I don’t care who’s operated on. I’m not going home without that necklace. (Almost in tears.)
JOHN. Can’t you see the trouble we’re in?
MAMIE. There’ll be worse trouble when the Rajah arrives.
JOHN. Good heavens! You haven’t told the Rajah about me?
MAMIE. What else could I do? And I had to give him your address.
JOHN. Oh, Tully, Tully, she’s given the Rajah my address!
MAMIE (bursting into tears). What else could I do? Boo—boo—— It’s not my fault, and why should I be blamed for it. Boo, boo, boo! (Sitting in arm-chair R.)
JOHN (down to MAMIE). There, don’t cry, don’t cry.
(TULLY bursts into tears.)
What’s the matter with you?
TULLY. I can’t bear to see a woman cry.
(MAMIE shrieks and yells and kicks up her feet.)
JOHN. Hold her feet down! (Sits on MAMIE’S feet.) (To TULLY.) Don’t leave that door!
(TULLY peeps out of door L. and crosses to JOHN.)
TULLY. John! The doctor’s arrived!
JOHN (still sitting on MAMIE’S feet). Say—say you’re having a bath; you won’t be long.
TULLY (speaking through keyhole). I’m in my bath! I shan’t be long!!!
JOHN. You’re not shouting the odds at a race meeting!
TULLY. I’m in my bath—I shan’t be long—splash—splash—(moves up and down, as if covering himself with water) splash. (TULLY uses blanket like a towel, drying his back, up and down, exaggerated movements.) I’m drying—I’m dying——
JOHN. Oh! Good heavens, this is awful. (Rises, looks at MAMIE.) She’s fainting, she’s fainting, what shall we do?
TULLY. Put a key down her back!
JOHN. Well, give me a key. (TULLY rushes to door L.) No! Not that one, idiot! We may want that! (TULLY takes long strides over to door R.)
JOHN. You’ll split those pyjamas!
(TULLY gives JOHN key from door R.)
Is this the proper thing to do? (Drops key behind MAMIE on to arm-chair—as if down her back.)
JOHN. Ah! she’s coming round. No more tears! No more tears, little girl!
MAMIE (rises and puts arm on JOHN’S shoulder). No, no more tears, no more tears! (Turning R. she sees TULLY—and screams at sight of him—turns to JOHN.)
JOHN (leading MAMIE off into room R.). There, dear, no more tears, you come along into this room and you shall have the necklace, I promise you——
MAMIE. You really mean that, Jack——
JOHN. Of course I mean it—now come along.
(Exit MAMIE and JOHN room R.)
TULLY. Oh, Mrs. Ayers! (Going C. and singing:) “Oh dry those tears, oh calm those fears.”
JOHN (entering quickly and trying to lock door R.). The key—where’s the key?
TULLY. You put it down Fluffie’s back!
(PAMELA rushes on from door L.)
PAMELA. The doctor says he can’t wait much longer.
(Exit PAMELA quickly.)
JOHN (crosses to TULLY). I suppose you realize that something’s got to be done. This girl demands the necklace—the police have been informed, and the Rajah is rampant. The ’Bus Company claim me as a patient, and my married happiness rocks in the balance.
TULLY. Oh, don’t talk like that.
JOHN. Go on, get into that chair. (Pushing TULLY to arm-chair R.)
TULLY. Haven’t I done enough for one day?
JOHN. At this very moment you can wreck my life, and you’re going to take advantage of it. Bertram! Bertram!
(Presses TULLY down into arm-chair R.)
What did I do with those pieces of your moustache?
TULLY. You put them in your pocket.
JOHN. Ah, so I did. (JOHN picks up hat and is going to window.)
TULLY (in arm-chair and drawing blanket round him). You’re not going to leave me in this awful predicament?
JOHN. I shall be back immediately. I have a brilliant idea, that will clear up everything. Now, don’t forget you are John Ayers.
TULLY. I’m John Ayers??
JOHN (over to door L.). You can come in. (Back to TULLY.) Moan a little, and for heaven’s sake try and look intelligent.
(JOHN goes off through windows left. TULLY makes faces, as if intelligent. PAMELA enters L., followed by DOCTOR.)
PAMELA (crossing to TULLY). Ah, here he is, doctor.
DOCTOR (putting hat and bag on table L.C.). Is he awake?
PAMELA. Are you awake, dear?
TULLY. No! (PAMELA slaps his head)—er—yes—yes.
DOCTOR. Still sitting up, and after a bath too; it’s not wise.
PAMELA. We can’t keep him in bed; he’s so full of spirits.
DOCTOR. Yes, yes, I quite understand. Now, don’t distress yourself, my dear lady. (Gets chair from R. of table L.C. and places it on left of arm-chair.) You have your own medical man attending, of course.
PAMELA. Oh yes, doctor, of course. (Imitating doctor’s accent.) But I don’t think he understands the case, although he thinks it very serious.
(DOCTOR sits in chair. Loud knocks heard off L.)
DOCTOR. I think that must be Mr. Trippett.
(TULLY starts up—frightened.)
PAMELA (going to door L.). Excuse me a moment.
(Exit PAMELA door L.)
(DOCTOR watches her off. TULLY quickly rises and hides behind arm-chair. DOCTOR turns round to examine TULLY, finds the chair empty, looks dumbfounded, scratches his head, pushes blanket down, which has been left on chair, turns left, looks under his own chair, then looks up L. TULLY gets quickly back into arm-chair again and pulls blanket round him—feigns sleep. DOCTOR turns again to arm-chair, sees TULLY, can’t believe his eyes, pinches himself, lifts TULLY’S arm. TULLY drops it. DOCTOR lifts TULLY’S arm again. TULLY holds it up this time and moves fingers.)
DOCTOR. Now then, young man, I want you to tell me exactly where you feel this pain. We don’t want you to remain an invalid all your life, although I dare say a little compensation will act as a wonderful restorative.
(PAMELA enters holding door open.)
JOHN (peeping round door). Say it’s Mr. Tully. (JOHN is wearing a moustache.)
PAMELA (announcing). Er—Mr. Tully.
TULLY (rising). Yes!
PAMELA. It’s Mr. Tully.
(JOHN enters.)
(DOCTOR turns and looks at JOHN. TULLY walks on knees round arm-chair and then sits covering himself with blanket.)
JOHN (posing as TULLY). May I come in? How d’ye do, Mrs. Ayers? So pleased to see you. And how is the patient to-day?
PAMELA. Not much better, I’m afraid.
JOHN. Oh no, he’s worse—a lot worse. I can see that. (Going behind TULLY.) Poor old John!
TULLY. Poor John!
JOHN. I don’t think we shall have him with us much longer.
(TULLY sits up.)
(Softly.) Bertram.
(TULLY falls back.)
DOCTOR. I don’t think it’s wise to dishearten the patient like that.
PAMELA (to JOHN). This is the doctor from the Motor ’Bus Company.
JOHN. Oh, how d’ye do? (DOCTOR turns to JOHN.) I’m a very old friend of Mr. Ayers, and I’m very sorry to see him struck down like this. (TULLY falls R. half off chair. JOHN pulls him back again.) It’s a very serious matter.
DOCTOR. Yes. The Company wish me to convey their deep sympathies.
JOHN. Deep sympathies aren’t much good. I’m afraid it will cost them something more than that.
DOCTOR. Oh! He’ll be up and about in a few days.
JOHN. Oh no he won’t.
DOCTOR. Oh yes he will!
JOHN. Oh no he won’t!
DOCTOR. Oh yes he will!
JOHN. Oh no he won’t! I can promise you that. Can’t you see the man has been terribly knocked about? (Aside to TULLY.) Groan!
(TULLY groans long and loudly.)
DOCTOR. Now, tell me, Mrs. Ayers, is he thirsty at all?
PAMELA. No, doctor.
DOCTOR. No, no, he wouldn’t be.
JOHN. But the pain in his back is simply terrible. He raves! (Aside to TULLY.) Rave!
(TULLY raves, pulls hair up on end, imagines he sees something, tries to catch it, and continues any mad business. DOCTOR follows his movements closely and seriously.)
DOCTOR (to PAMELA). Does he have any pains in the head?
PAMELA. N-no—doctor.
DOCTOR. No, no, he wouldn’t have.
JOHN. But his mind’s affected.
DOCTOR. Is he—is he sleepy at all?
PAMELA. No, not as a rule, doctor.
DOCTOR. No, no.
JOHN. No, no, he wouldn’t be. (Imitating DOCTOR.)
DOCTOR. How dare you, sir? (Turns away in a rage.) Of course a good deal of this may proceed from a previous debilitated state.
PAMELA. Debilitated?
DOCTOR. I understand the patient has led rather a—well—if I may be allowed to say so—rather a gay life?
(TULLY rises annoyed.)
JOHN. Oh no, you’re quite wrong. (Pointing to TULLY.) No one can ever say that John Ayers went the pace. I’ve known John ever since I was born and I can safely say he’s a living saint, isn’t he, Mrs. Ayers?
PAMELA (with a gulp). Er—yes—yes, of course.
JOHN. If anyone knocks about at all, you might accuse me. I’m known everywhere as Tully the Rake.
(TULLY sits up in protest.)
(Aside.) Bertram!
(TULLY falls back in chair.)
DOCTOR. There’s just one more question, Mrs. Ayers. Does he have any cold sweats?
JOHN. Yes, he lives entirely on soda-water.
DOCTOR. I said, sir, does he have any cold sweats?
JOHN. Oh, I beg your pardon, I thought you said Schweppes.
DOCTOR. Schweppes!!
PAMELA (crossing to R. of arm-chair). Yes, he perspires a good deal.
JOHN (aside to TULLY). Perspire!
(TULLY perspires—wipes head—then wrings handkerchief out.)
DOCTOR. Perspires. That’s quite natural. (To TULLY.) Now then, will you tell me exactly where you feel this pain in the back?
JOHN (getting between DOCTOR and TULLY). Just up between the ribs.
(DOCTOR digs JOHN in back.)
Oh, that’s the very place!
DOCTOR. Will you let the patient tell me?
JOHN. But he doesn’t know as well as I do.
TULLY (pointing to JOHN). Mr. Ayers—er—Mr. Tully, this gentleman knows all about it.
DOCTOR. Mr. Tully, Mr. Tully! Where have I heard that name before? Ah, you were in the ’bus accident with him, I believe? (To JOHN.)
JOHN. No, that was my brother.
DOCTOR. Your brother? And he escaped unhurt?
JOHN. Er—yes. He fell on top of a fat old woman who was sitting opposite.
DOCTOR. Yes, that poor lady had three ribs broken. (Rises.) Still, that concerns your brother. (Sarcastically. JOHN and TULLY exchange looks. DOCTOR takes chair up to R. of table L.C., opens bag.) I can’t quite understand all this, you know—according to Mr. Trippett’s report, the patient was a much smaller man. (Takes out stethoscope from bag, wiping it with his handkerchief and coming down L.)
JOHN (over to DOCTOR). Surely, you’re not going to measure him, doctor? Hang it all, he’s not dead yet.
DOCTOR. No, I simply wish to examine him, that’s all. (Turning to JOHN.) Although I have taken the measure of many people in my time.
(JOHN turns away and up stage.)
Now, Mrs. Ayers, will you kindly loosen the patient’s things a little—just in front.
(TULLY drags his pyjama jacket tightly round him, very much alarmed. PAMELA looks at JOHN in despair.)
JOHN (down to TULLY). Perhaps I can assist.
DOCTOR. I shall feel much obliged, sir, if you will not interfere. (DOCTOR goes over to table down L., keeps his back towards the others.)
PAMELA. Couldn’t you examine him better in bed, doctor?
DOCTOR. Undoubtedly!
(MAMIE enters from door R. JOHN sees her and pushes her back.)
JOHN. No, I can’t let him go into bed. I don’t advise it. (Shutting door R.)
TULLY. And I’m not going to strip.
(Bell heard off L.)
PAMELA (up to window L., looks off). It’s Mr. Trippett!
DOCTOR. Mr. Trippett, good! He’s just in time!
JOHN (to TULLY). Good! He’s just in time. That is lucky. I am glad!
DOCTOR. He promised to meet me here. (Takes out watch.)
JOHN (crosses to DOCTOR). Isn’t it Motor ’Bus etiquette for you to discuss the case with Mr. Trippett in private?
DOCTOR. No, I don’t think that’s at all necessary.
(Goes up to table L.C., puts stethoscope in bag.)
JOHN. I’m sure both Mr. and Mrs. Ayers would like you to consult before anything is said or done in the matter. The dining-room is at your service.
PAMELA (crossing to and opening door L.). Yes—yes—of course.
DOCTOR. Well, if you particularly wish it, I’ll see Mr. Trippett.
PAMELA. This way, doctor.
DOCTOR. I thank you, madam, I thank you.
(DOCTOR exits, followed by PAMELA. JOHN places chair L.C. under table. TULLY jumps up.)
TULLY. I’ve had enough of this! I’m going mad!
JOHN. Bertram! Bertram!
TULLY. Bertram be damned! (Holds his mouth instantly.)
JOHN (crosses to TULLY). I think you’re very ungrateful. Just as everything’s going so splendidly.
TULLY. Splendidly! Is it? Do you think Mr. Trippett and the doctor are going to swallow this tale. I’ve lost my reputation and I’ve lost my moustache!
(PAMELA rushes in and closes door.)
PAMELA. Mr. Trippett would like to see you now. He’s in rather a hurry. What will you do?
JOHN. That’s all right. Send Trippett in here in two seconds and keep the doctor in there and keep calm.
(PAMELA exits L.)
TULLY. Everything’s going splendidly. Everything’s going splendidly. (Taking wild leaps into the air.)
JOHN (to TULLY). Go on, get behind that screen.
(Gets into chair and draws blanket round him.)
TULLY (going up to fireplace). If ever I get out of this I’ll leave the neighbourhood. (Kneels behind screen in fireplace.)
JOHN. Don’t talk like that.
MAMIE (rushes on from door R.). Jack, I can’t wait any longer. Where’s the necklace?
JOHN (rises and crosses to MAMIE). It’s all right, only wait.
MAMIE. My darling, what have you been doing?
JOHN. What?
MAMIE. That dreadful moustache.
JOHN. Oh, they’ve been putting me under glass. (Pushes MAMIE off down R.)
(TULLY groans.)
Don’t you groan. I’m the patient now!
(Sits in arm-chair again. PAMELA rushes in to C. TULLY peeps round from screen.)
PAMELA. John, the doctor says he must examine you before discussing the case with Mr. Trippett.
JOHN (rising). Good heavens! Can’t they make up their minds? They must be a couple of weathercocks. All right—send the doctor in—wait till you hear Tully groan.
PAMELA. Mr. Tully will be in the chair?
JOHN. Yes, yes. We’re quite prepared. Wait till he groans, that’s all.
(PAMELA exits L.)
(To TULLY.) Go on, get into that chair. (Arranging blanket.) The doctor’s coming in.
(TULLY comes down to arm-chair. PAMELA rushes in.)
PAMELA (breathlessly). John, Mr. Trippett and the doctor are both coming in together!
JOHN. Both together!
(JOHN and TULLY both rush for arm-chair.)
Wait, I know. Say there’s an escape of gas.
PAMELA. Electric light! Look!
TULLY. Say the lease of the flat is up!
JOHN (pushing TULLY into chair). Don’t be a fool. Say I’m dead!
(Door-bell heard off L.)
PAMELA (up to window). John, there’s a coloured man at the door!
JOHN. A coloured man! Good heavens, it’s the Rajah!
(TULLY rushes up to windows R.C. with blankets on arm.)
PAMELA. The Rajah?
JOHN. Yes! Tell him I’m buried and won’t be back for a week!
(MAMIE enters door R.)
PAMELA. But who is the Rajah?
JOHN. Just a friend of mine.
MAMIE. Excuse me, he’s a friend of mine.
PAMELA. Yours!
MAMIE. Yes, a friend of mine, and I must have that necklace. Will you kindly give it to me, Mrs. Ayers?
PAMELA. This necklace—how dare you—it’s mine.
(MAMIE and PAMELA both quarrel violently about it and argue madly till fall of curtain. TULLY goes to MAMIE at the same time as JOHN goes to PAMELA. They both throw the men off. TULLY has taken blanket from arm-chair. JOHN is going to door L.)
TULLY. Not that way, John! Not that way!
(JOHN and TULLY meet centre, TULLY throws blanket over both of them and they crawl out of window L. DOCTOR and TRIPPETT enter together talking. DOCTOR sees the two men crawling off, he draws TRIPPETT’S attention, and they both look on aghast.)
CURTAIN.