SCENE.—A room in TULLY’S flat. Lights out to open. A similar room in construction in every way to scene in Act I excepting that it is furnished differently. Two French windows at back opening on to balcony, door R. leading to hall and street. Door L. leading to bedroom. It is twilight as the curtain rises. A letter and telegram lie unopened on table about L.C. and a settee is placed well in view below door L. A plan of the scene will be found at the end of the play. URSULA, TULLY’S maid, enters R., switches on lights—switch above door R. Lights go up.)
URSULA (in sombre tones). You can come h’in.
(Enter AUNT HANNAH. She is very tall and stout, old-fashioned, but a lady.)
AUNT HANNAH (entering). Thank you, thank you, (goes to chair R. of table L.C.) thank you. (Sits.) Oh, dear me, I am glad to sit down. Phew! I only left the hospital this morning.
URSULA (standing C.). You don’t say.
AUNT HANNAH. Yes. I was in a terrible ’bus accident about three weeks ago, and I had three of my ribs broken.
URSULA. You don’t say.
AUNT HANNAH. It was my first experience of a motor ’bus too. They’re most dangerous things. Aren’t you afraid of them?
URSULA. I ain’t afraid of nothink.
AUNT HANNAH. Dear me, what courage! What courage!
URSULA (crossing to L. of table L.C.). Take anything?
AUNT HANNAH. N-o, no thank you. I’ve had my tea. And so my nephew’s out?
URSULA. Been h’out since lunch.
AUNT HANNAH. Didn’t he say he expected me?
URSULA. About three weeks ago he mentioned your name, but not since.
AUNT HANNAH. Yes, that was when I came up from Exeter. I was coming on to see him then when I was injured in the ’bus, and they took me straight away to the hospital.
URSULA. You don’t say!
AUNT HANNAH (tapping walking-stick on floor). But I do say. But I sent him a telegram saying I was coming to-day.
URSULA (pointing to table). Telegram.
AUNT HANNAH. Oh yes. Oh yes! Unopened?
URSULA. Come h’after the master left.
AUNT HANNAH. Oh dear! What a pity! But he’ll be home shortly, I suppose, or doesn’t he keep good respectable hours?
URSULA. Nothing to find fault with.
AUNT HANNAH. Has he any—er—lady friends?
URSULA. H’only one—h’Ag—er—ness.
AUNT HANNAH. I hope she’s a good girl.
(Noise off. PAMELA, MAMIE, JOHN and TULLY continuing argument loudly off R. as at end of Act II.)
Oh, what’s that?
URSULA. People next door, I suppose.
(Noise ceases.)
AUNT HANNAH (opening her cloak). Dear me! It’s close!
URSULA. Removing your things?
AUNT HANNAH. Yes, I should like to. (Rising.)
URSULA (goes to door L., opens door and holds door open). Bedroom this way.
AUNT HANNAH (crossing to door). How very convenient. And I find every one in London so very kind and polite.
URSULA (closing door almost on AUNT HANNAH). In there!!
(Noise off again.)
AUNT HANNAH. Thank you. Thank you!
(Exit AUNT HANNAH door L.)
URSULA (closes door, crosses up R.). ’Orrible neighbours—’orrible neighbours!
(Exit URSULA door R. TULLY appears in pyjamas, peeping through curtains R. of C. he steals into room and runs down to chair L.C., looks round room. JOHN crawls on through window R. of C. with blanket over him, following TULLY on.)
TULLY. Home at last. Home at last!
JOHN. It’s all right! (Throws blanket on chair at back.) I’ve made a barricade with the geranium pots. Nobody could get over without making a terrible smash. We should be sure to hear them.
TULLY. Good, then we’re safe for the moment. (Groans loudly.)
JOHN. Don’t make a scene! Don’t make a scene!
(Going up to window. AUNT HANNAH enters and seeing TULLY in pyjamas she gives a scream and goes off door L. quickly. JOHN and TULLY both start and look round the room.)
JOHN (to TULLY). Don’t do it! Don’t do it!
TULLY. I distinctly heard a woman’s voice.
JOHN (approaches window gingerly). ’Sh! Don’t make a noise. I’m listening for the flower-pots to fall.
TULLY. What will happen if Mr. Trippett and the doctor come in and find us gone?
JOHN. They dare not enter while the two women are arguing, perhaps fighting. I’m only thinking what a little cat Mamie was to come out just when everything was going so splendidly.
TULLY. Whatever induced you to run after a girl like that?
JOHN. Is there anybody in this flat?
TULLY. Only the maid.
JOHN. Well, send her out.
TULLY. She’s just been out.
JOHN. Never mind—send her out fifty times if it’ll only help us.
(TULLY groans.)
Don’t give way! Don’t give way! I’ve got an idea. I’m going to cut the electric wires of the whole block of flats. I think I know where they run. Now you go and get her out of the house. Don’t lose a moment. Please go, Bertram!
(TULLY groans and exits door R.)
(Calling after him.) It isn’t often I ask you to do anything!
(JOHN thinks. He has a brilliant idea. Takes out his penknife and goes to wall at back, feels along wall.)
No, that’s not it. (Looks at wall below door L.) Ah, that looks more like it. Yes. (Plunges his knife into wall, a jet of soda water comes out through rubber tube fixed in flat below door, the spout of a soda syphon is pushed in other end of rubber tube outside, and at the cue) Got it! Got it! (The water is squirted through.) Oh, damn, confound!
(JOHN immediately places his hand over tube and with his handkerchief stops the flow of water. Syphon is removed and placed on floor ready for next squirt of water.)
TULLY. Help! Help! Help! (Heard off.)
(TULLY dashes on door R. and slamming door holds on to handle as if besieged.)
JOHN. What’s up? What’s the matter with you?
TULLY (trembling all over). The maid doesn’t recognize me without a moustache. She thinks I’m a burglar—and she’s chasing me with a poker.
JOHN. Chasing you?
TULLY. Yes, and if this woman gets in, she’ll brain us both. Come and help, for heaven’s sake!
JOHN. I can’t let go here.
TULLY. Why not?
JOHN. I thought if I could cut the main electric cable and put out the lights next door, that the doctor and Trippett would be compelled to leave the flat—
TULLY. Good! Go on, cut the cable.
JOHN. I have tried, I have tried! And I’ve cut the water-pipe instead. It’ll flood the place.
TULLY (still holding onto door). Oh, I’d do anything to get out of this.
JOHN. For heaven’s sake don’t be so selfish, just when everything’s going so splendidly! (Still holding on to water-pipe.)
(AUNT HANNAH opens door L. and just enters—sees JOHN and TULLY and with a cry exits hurriedly. JOHN and TULLY both turn on each other.)
JOHN. Don’t do it! Don’t do it!
TULLY. I didn’t do anything. If you shout like that I shall have a fit in a moment.
JOHN. Well, we don’t want to stand here all night.
TULLY. Can you reach that key out of the other door?
JOHN. I’ve told you I can’t let go here.
TULLY. If this woman gets in our lives won’t be worth having.
JOHN. Whatever made you engage such a brute?
TULLY. I can’t live here alone without protection.
JOHN. What’s her name?
TULLY. Ursula!
JOHN. Ursula! Give her a month’s notice.
TULLY. No, I don’t want to lose her.
JOHN. Women—are—no—use—unless—they—are—mastered!
TULLY. I’ve always heard that it was best to avoid women who are mustard.
JOHN. Mastered—not mustard! And take off those pyjamas!
TULLY. And I ought to be playing the flute to-night down at the Mission.
JOHN. Hang your mission! I’m trying to think what I can do here. Lend me your handkerchief—I’ll plug it up with mine and then tie it up.
TULLY (waving his handkerchief). Catch! Catch!
JOHN. How can I catch from here?
(TULLY runs across with handkerchief—his pyjama trousers round his ankles—gives handkerchief to JOHN—then sits chair C.)
You’ll split those pyjamas!
TULLY (removing pyjamas). This is the most awful afternoon I’ve ever had in my life. I shall never be the same man again.
JOHN (ties up tube with handkerchief). There, that’ll hold, I think. Now, I’ll go and cover your retreat. (Crosses to R.)
TULLY (picking up telegram from table L.C.). Oh! Here’s a telegram! Telegrams always make me feel so nervous! (Opens it and reads.) It’s from Aunt Hannah, she’s coming up to-day. I’ve been expecting her for the last three weeks. I am the only relation she has, and in order to avoid the death-duties she’s going to make a Deed of Gift to me amounting to several thousand pounds!
JOHN. Several thousand pounds! Now that is mean. Look at the trouble you’ve put me to. You might have lent me the money and so saved me a fortnight’s illness.
TULLY (rises). Will you accept the £500 from me?
JOHN. I suppose I must.
TULLY. That is good of you!
JOHN. Not at all! You have such a winning way with you. One can’t help doing as you wish.
TULLY (smiles broadly). That’s taken a great load off my mind. The old lady is very generous. Directly she arrives we must both be very nice to her.
JOHN. Trust me for that. And I can be nice when I like.
TULLY. I know you can. But what about the ’Bus Company?
JOHN. Oh yes. I’ll get you to go back and say I withdraw my claim.
TULLY. Yes. I’d love to do that. (Picking up letter from table L.C.)
JOHN. I’ll buy Mamie a new necklace, and tell Pam the whole truth—that Mamie is not your wife, but your little bit of fluff named Agnes.
TULLY. No, I draw the line there, Mamie’s your fluff. You must shoulder that responsibility.
JOHN. But you’re a single man. It doesn’t matter about you.
TULLY. Oh yes it does. I’ve got to think of my reputation down at the Mission.
JOHN. Oh, hang your mission!
TULLY. Oh, dear! (Becomes very serious as he reads letter.)
JOHN. What’s up?
TULLY. It’s a letter from the Motor ’Bus Company.
JOHN. Motor ’Bus Company?
TULLY. They’re going to sue me.
JOHN. Sue you, what for?
TULLY. The fat woman who had three ribs broken says that I am liable—that my fall on her was premeditated and nothing to do with the accident. Oh, and listen to this. (Reading.) “Our representative will have much pleasure in calling upon you this evening at seven o’clock.”
JOHN. It’s gone seven now.
TULLY. They’re sending some one here to-night?
JOHN. Yes, who will they send—either Trippett or the doctor. They are both in the neighbourhood.
TULLY. Then they may be here at any moment!
JOHN. But this is a simple matter now you’ve got the necessary money coming in.
TULLY. But which one will they send, because it depends on that who you are and who I am.
JOHN. Well, I’ll get you to creep back and tell Pam that I withdraw my claim—then, if the doctor calls you must get back in time to see him, and if Trippett calls, I’ll see Trippett.
TULLY. But that won’t help me out—if they are going to sue me—possibly for hundreds—I’m not going to lend you this money unless I can see a clean sheet for myself—you got me into this mess, you must get me out of it! (Sits C. and groans.)
JOHN. You are ungrateful. After all I’ve done for you. Are you going to lend me the £500 or are you not?
TULLY. Certainly. But I didn’t fall on top of this fat woman, and I’m not going to be made to pay. You had the fun, you ought to suffer.
(JOHN crosses to L. and rings bell, alarmed.)
What are you going to do?
JOHN. Do as you wish. I’m going to get you out of this trouble. I’ve rung for Ursula.
TULLY. Ursula!
(URSULA enters R., holding poker at her side. TULLY bus. trying to hide his lip.)
JOHN (crosses to door R.). Oh, er, good evening Ursula! (In his best manner.)
URSULA (abruptly). Evening!
JOHN. We want you to do us a favour, if you will?
URSULA. A favour?
JOHN. We want you to lend us some ladies’ clothes—just for an hour or so.
URSULA. What sort of clothes?
JOHN. Oh, nothing—er—white—nothing under—underhand—just super clothes—and if you do this, your master will be very much obliged to you and he’ll raise your wages.
(Bus. TULLY aghast. JOHN motioning to him to keep quiet.)
URSULA. I’ll see—I’ll see.
(Exit URSULA door R.)
TULLY (rises and comes down C.). John! What are you going to do?
JOHN. I think you will acknowledge this is an inspiration. These ’bus people think they are going to corner us, I can see their move. But you and I are far too smart for them.
TULLY (in doubt). Are we?
JOHN. It has only just struck me, but you are the living image of the fat old lady in the ’bus!
TULLY (offended). Oh! John!
JOHN. Without the fat, of course. If you get into these clothes and pad yourself all round, no one will know the difference.
TULLY. No, I couldn’t do that. It’s illegal!
JOHN. I’m doing this to get you out of the pickle. I’m not doing it for my own sake, please bear that in mind.
TULLY. But what good will it do?
JOHN. If the doctor or Trippett calls here, I shall say that I am Tully, that is Tully’s brother, that I have had an interview with the lady in the ’bus accident and she is strongly of opinion that the ’Bus Company is liable.
TULLY. But they’ll dispute it at once.
JOHN. Naturally—then we are prepared. I shall just bring you into the room dressed as the lady, with nothing to do but to bear out my statement.
TULLY. No, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t do it! (Turns L.)
JOHN. Bertram! I have an idea—an idea that wouldn’t occur to one man in a million,
(Enter URSULA, with bundle of clothes. Crosses to JOHN.)
and you want to ignore it. Bertram! Bertram!
URSULA. Clothes! (Gives clothes to JOHN and exits door R.)
JOHN (takes clothes). Thank you, Ursula, thank you. (Gives clothes to TULLY.) The very thing—but you’ll want a fearful lot of padding—you’re so thin. (He gathers up cushions from couch and arm-chair and pushes them into TULLY’S arms.) Here we are, top-hole, beautiful padding!
TULLY. But, John, what about a bodice. I must have a bodice!
JOHN. What do you want a bodice for?
TULLY. For all this part. (Pointing to chest.)
JOHN. I’ll go and get a bodice off Ursula. Meanwhile you go into the bedroom and get into these clothes as quickly as you can. Shave your top lip clean. Don’t forget the cushions. Arrange them—diplomatically—you know—come out and go in—and all that sort of thing, and I’ll go and get the bodice.
(JOHN exits door R.)
TULLY. I don’t know where a woman comes out and goes in!
(Stands looking round hopelessly, then goes to door L., opens door and is about to enter bedroom. AUNT HANNAH screams off. TULLY shuts door quickly, rushes up to window L. Crash of falling flower-pots heard off R. TULLY drops clothes, etc., and rushes to door R. MAMIE enters windows R.C. breathless and excited.)
MAMIE. Oh, there you are, Bertie! Where’s Jack? Where is he?
TULLY (coming C.). Somewhere in the house.
MAMIE. Is there anyone else in the house besides Jack?
TULLY. Only the maid—and Bogie.
MAMIE. Bogie—who’s Bogie?
TULLY. My little dog.
MAMIE. Do you know that Mrs. Ayers still thinks I am your wife.
TULLY (wriggles and nods). Yes, I’m so sorry.
MAMIE. What?
TULLY. I mean—delighted. (Wriggles again.)
MAMIE. Oh, don’t wriggle! Things are far too serious for wriggling. You heard about the necklace that was lent to me by my friend the Rajah?
TULLY. Yes, I have heard about it.
MAMIE. Then I want you, as my husband, to take the matter into your hands and tell Mrs. Ayers that unless the necklace is returned to me at once, you will take proceedings.
TULLY. Oh, I couldn’t do that, I’ll call John. (Going to door R.)
MAMIE (pulling TULLY back). No, don’t call John. It’s only natural if you are supposed to be my husband that you should help me in this matter. And if you don’t, you’ll get it in the neck right where the chicken got the axe. (On the verge of tears, she crosses and sits C., searching in her handbag for letter.) Just read this letter. It’s from the Rajah—I’ve never had such things said to me in my life—boo—boo—boo! (Crying.)
TULLY (patting back of chair). Don’t cry, child, don’t cry.
MAMIE. Where did I put it? In my bag? No! (Rising.) I remember, I put it in my dress for safety.
TULLY. Oh! oh!
MAMIE. Would you mind unhooking my dress at the back, please.
TULLY (very embarrassed). Really I’m a single man!
MAMIE. Well, these are single hooks.
TULLY (crosses to door R.). I’ll call John!
MAMIE. Please don’t call John.
TULLY (calling through door and whistling). I must have some one in the room—Bogie! Bogie! Bogie!
MAMIE. Bertie! Bertram! Come here! (BERTRAM going towards her.) I want to show you something very important.
TULLY (backing away from her). I’ll take your word for it!
MAMIE. It’s the Rajah’s letter. Just the top two hooks, please—as quickly as you can. (Approaching TULLY with her shoulder towards him.)
TULLY. Really, I don’t understand. I’m quite a novice.
MAMIE (annoyed). You don’t want me to tear the thing off?
TULLY (advancing timidly). For heaven’s sake, don’t do that!
MAMIE. Well, pull your socks up, Bertie, and undo the top one.
(TULLY pulls up his socks.)
What are you doing?
TULLY. Pulling my socks up.
MAMIE (sidling up to him). Go on, the top one.
(TULLY unfastens the top hook.)
Ah, that’s better. (Trying to get letter from bodice.) Now, the next one.
TULLY. No, no more.
MAMIE (sweetly). Now the next one.
TULLY (shaking head decisively). No more!
MAMIE. Do please, Bertie dear! Bertie darling! Bertie sweetheart!
TULLY (smiles broadly and giggles). Well, just this one. No more after that.
MAMIE. No, no more after that.
TULLY (giggles). They are nice little hooks. Shall I go any further?
MAMIE. No, not at present. (Secures letter.) I’ve got it. Just read that!
(Crash of flower-pots off R.)
It’s the Rajah! (Very frightened.)
TULLY. No, more flower-pots. (Going up to window R.) More creepers! (In a loud whisper.) It’s Mrs. Ayers!
MAMIE. I’ll hide here and listen. Come and hide me, Bertie.
(MAMIE crouches down at foot of table L.C. behind TULLY. PAMELA enters window R.)
PAMELA (coming down C.). Oh—Mr. Tully—where is John?
TULLY. He’s very busy with my maid.
PAMELA. With your maid?
TULLY. Yes, he’s trying to get some clothes off her.
PAMELA (annoyed). What?
TULLY. Trying to borrow some clothes I should say.
(JOHN enters from door R., sees PAMELA and exits hurriedly, MAMIE tickles TULLY’S legs.)
PAMELA. Well, someone must come at once. Mr. Trippett refuses to leave the flat until he has seen John, and the doctor is coming round to your door.
TULLY (crossing to R. towards PAMELA). But John is going to withdraw his claim against the Company, and I’m going to tell Mr. Trippett so.
PAMELA. Then please come at once.
(TULLY and PAMELA go up.)
MAMIE. Stop! Before you go, I’d like you to ask Mrs. Ayers to give me back my necklace. (Below table L.C. standing.)
PAMELA. I’ve already told you, Mrs. Tully, that this necklace does not belong to you. (To TULLY.) And please ask your wife to apologize. (Goes down R.)
TULLY (crosses to MAMIE). Miss Scott—Miss Fluff—(bangs hand on table and adopts an authoritative tone)—my wife—will you apologize?
MAMIE (round sharply to TULLY). Certainly not!
(TULLY collapses in chair.)
You know as well as I do that that necklace does not belong to Mrs. Ayers. Please ask her to return it to me.
TULLY (crosses to PAMELA). Mrs. Ayers, will you please return the necklace to Mrs.—er—Mrs. wife?
PAMELA. I shall do nothing in the matter until I’ve seen John.
TULLY (crosses to MAMIE). She will do nothing in the matter——
MAMIE (pushing TULLY up stage). Out of my way!
(TULLY watching his opportunity, works up to window, picks up clothes and cushions and steals out by window R.)
(MAMIE crosses to PAMELA.) Now, Mrs. Ayers, that necklace was lent to me and its real owner is waiting at the door of your flat. If I don’t take it back to him at once you’ll have the police on your track. Am I to take it back or not?
(PAMELA hesitates.)
You refuse? You refuse?
PAMELA (hands necklace to MAMIE) Oh, very well, take it to him. (Crosses to writing-desk up L.) I don’t want a vulgar scene over a paltry thirty-shilling necklace. (Sits.)
MAMIE. Thirty shillings! That shows how much you know, and also that this necklace cannot possibly be your property—I’m sorry you made such a mistake. (Going up to window R.) Thirty shillings—that’s really good—I must tell the Rajah that! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
(Exit MAMIE window R., laughing loudly.)
PAMELA (rushes to door L., opens it). John! John!
(AUNT HANNAH screams. PAMELA closes door, rushes across to door R. URSULA enters door R. holding poker in hand and looking very formidable, she advances in a threatening manner.)
(PAMELA starts with a little cry at sight of URSULA and backs up to window R. trembling with fear.)
URSULA. What are you doing ’ere? What are you doing ’ere?
PAMELA. I beg your pardon, I was looking for my husband.
URSULA. Well, he’s not ’ere. He’s not ’ere! (Loudly.)
PAMELA. No, I’m sure he wouldn’t be——
(Exit window R. calling: “John! John!”)
(URSULA opens door R. and beckons.)
URSULA. It’s all right. You can come in now, little man. All gone!
JOHN (entering). Thank you, Ursula, thank you! (JOHN is carrying a bodice.)
(URSULA gives JOHN the glad eye and exits with a little backward kick of the leg. JOHN crosses to door L., opens it and throws bodice into bedroom.)
Here you are, it’s the best she’s got!
(AUNT HANNAH screams off.)
Eh? What’s that, speak up, I can’t hear. (Crossing to door R.)
(AUNT HANNAH enters, JOHN turns and bursts into laughter, mistaking AUNT HANNAH for TULLY in disguise.)
AUNT HANNAH. You dare not attack a woman even if you are a burglar! (With fear and anger.)
JOHN (roars with laughter). Excellent! Splendid! The very thing. I shouldn’t have known you.
AUNT HANNAH (dignified). I want to leave this house.
JOHN (still laughing loudly). Ha! Ha! Ha! You are the living image of the fat old woman in the ’bus.
AUNT HANNAH. I am the lady who was in the ’bus, sir, and I know you—I know you now. You were the coward who, to save his own skin, so cruelly tried to crush me.
JOHN (laughing). Good! Good! If you only keep it up like that you’ll be splendid.
AUNT HANNAH. I tell you, sir, I had three of my ribs broken.
JOHN (laughing). Ribs! You don’t look as if you had any ribs. You are all, cushions! (Digging AUNT HANNAH in the ribs.) Ha! Ha! Ha!
AUNT HANNAH (screams). Oh! Oh! (Up to table.) Oh, my poor side—oh, my poor heart.
JOHN (imitating). Oh, my poor side, oh, my poor heart! Ha! Ha! Ha! Oh, don’t make me laugh! You’ve got the funniest mug I’ve ever seen. And you do “go out” and “come in” a lot, more “come in” than “go out.” (Rocks with laughter.)
AUNT HANNAH. I’m going to leave this house, sir, and if you attempt to stop me, I’ll call for the police. (Tries to pass JOHN, he stops her.)
JOHN. If you jump about like that, your clothes will fall off.
AUNT HANNAH. Ouch! Ouch! (Turns up stage.)
JOHN. Oh! You ought to see your back view! Ha! Ha!
AUNT HANNAH. How dare you! How dare you!
(Bell rings off R.)
JOHN (over to AUNT HANNAH). Hark, that may be our man. Pull yourself together.
AUNT HANNAH. Don’t you touch me!
JOHN. Stop it, you idiot. Don’t forget if that’s the doctor, you’re here to discuss the ’bus accident with me. Now, go into that bedroom, and don’t come out till I call you!
AUNT HANNAH. I wish to leave this house.
JOHN (opens door L. and is pushing AUNT HANNAH off gradually). Come on, don’t play the giddy ox. (Pushes her into bedroom.) Kennel! Kennel!
AUNT HANNAH. Don’t you touch me! How dare you! Oh—o—o—oh!
(Exit.)
(JOHN bangs the door after her. URSULA enters door R.)
JOHN. What is it? What is it?
URSULA. Dr. Bigland to see the master.
JOHN. Dr. Bigland! Good! Show him in!
(Exit URSULA door R.)
JOHN. Who am I now? I know, I’m Tully. No, I’m not, I’m Tully’s brother, Tully’s twin brother. (Stands C., braces himself up and removes moustache.)
URSULA (enters, announcing). Dr. Bigland!
DOCTOR (enters—URSULA exits). Yes. I expected something of this kind.
JOHN (reserves mock dignity). I haven’t the pleasure of your acquaintance.
DOCTOR. You are Mr. Tully.
JOHN. Tully is my name.
DOCTOR. Hadn’t I the pleasure of meeting you a short while ago next door?
JOHN. No, that was my brother.
DOCTOR. Your brother? Good heavens! What a likeness!
JOHN. Yes, we’re often mistaken for each other. If the true facts of the case were known I believe we were very nearly twins.
DOCTOR. Remarkable! I apologize.
JOHN. Not at all. But didn’t my brother tell you it was my brother? I mean, didn’t he tell you it was me?
DOCTOR. He said it was his brother who was in the motor ’bus accident.
JOHN. Quite correct.
DOCTOR. The object of my visit is in reference to that matter.
JOHN. Will you take a seat?
DOCTOR. I thank you. (Sits by table L.C.) Now, as regards yourself. At the time of the accident there was a lady in the ’bus who had three ribs broken, and we understand that this was caused by your fall on top of the lady.
JOHN. Yes, but I make no claim against the lady.
DOCTOR. No, but the lady wishes to make a claim against you.
JOHN. I don’t think so. The lady herself is here, now, and quite ready to deny your allegations against me. (Goes to door L.)
(DOCTOR rises, places hat on chair he has been sitting on and goes R.)
You can come in!
(AUNT HANNAH enters with timid little jerks.)
(Aside to AUNT HANNAH). It’s the doctor.
AUNT HANNAH (tearfully). Oh! O-h-h! It’s Dr. Bigland. (Crosses to doctor.)
(JOHN rubs hands with great satisfaction.)
DOCTOR. Now, my dear lady, calm yourself; remember what I told you, you must keep calm.
JOHN. You see, the poor woman’s nerves are shattered, and all through riding in your beastly ’buses. (Signals to AUNT HANNAH to be quiet, to which she pays no heed.)
DOCTOR (to AUNT HANNAH). You know this gentleman who was in the ’bus accident with you?
AUNT HANNAH. Yes, and I live in fear of him.
DOCTOR. That’s quite all right. There’s nothing to be frightened of. Now sit down, sit down and compose yourself.
(AUNT HANNAH backs up to chair C., is about to sit on DOCTOR’S hat. DOCTOR rushes up and snatches hat away.) Ah! (Shouts.) Not on my hat! (Places hat on table down R.)
(AUNT HANNAH jumps up on DOCTOR’S shout, throws arms round JOHN’S neck. JOHN pushes her into chair C.)
AUNT HANNAH. Oh dear, dear, dear! O-h-h!
DOCTOR. Now I understand you wish to thrash out this matter of the accident.
(Taking notebook from pocket.)
JOHN (crosses to DOCTOR). Yes, we are both desirous that it should be cleared up, aren’t we?
AUNT HANNAH. Doctor, I am.
JOHN (looks over DOCTOR’S shoulder and watches him writing). Will you begin?
DOCTOR. No, I will not begin. I will hear what the lady has to say and make my report.
JOHN. Good! (Signalling to AUNT HANNAH.) Well—er—madam—the Doctor and I have been discussing the matter, and he is under the impression that you think that I am to blame for the injury you have suffered. Now I want you to prove to him that such is not the case.
AUNT HANNAH. But it is the case.
(JOHN starts.)
The Doctor is quite right!
(DOCTOR makes notes. JOHN bus. shaking his head at AUNT HANNAH and signalling.)
JOHN. I say, the Doctor thinks that I was to blame, and I want you to deny this scandalous accusation. (Signals.)
AUNT HANNAH. I can’t deny it.
JOHN. But you don’t understand.
AUNT HANNAH. I beg to state that I do understand.
(AUNT HANNAH holds finger up. JOHN smacks her hand.)
JOHN (frowning and signalling). Let me explain. A short while ago when you and I were discussing this matter, you agreed with me that the ’Bus Company and they alone were responsible for your injuries.
AUNT HANNAH. I did not agree with you in any way! It’s a wicked falsehood.
DOCTOR. Exactly as I thought.
JOHN (to AUNT HANNAH). You silly fool! Oh, I beg your pardon—think—think—didn’t you distinctly say you were going to sue the ’Bus Company?
(Nodding “Yes” to AUNT HANNAH.)
AUNT HANNAH (rising and crossing to couch L.). I don’t remember discussing the matter with you at all, sir.
JOHN. Then the accident must have affected your memory. (Aside to AUNT HANNAH.) You half-witted idiot, you’ll spoil everything.
AUNT HANNAH. And abuse will certainly not make me alter my decision.
DOCTOR (crossing C.). Now, my dear lady, you are firmly of the opinion that the injury you sustained was due to the premeditated action of this gentleman when riding on one of the Company’s vehicles?
AUNT HANNAH. That is my case exactly.
(DOCTOR makes notes, JOHN frantic.)
DOCTOR. Very well. And the amount of damages you claim?
AUNT HANNAH. I claim—(JOHN threatens her with his fist). I claim—I——
DOCTOR. I claim! I claim! What do you claim?
AUNT HANNAH. I claim— (JOHN threatens her.) Five hundred pounds!
DOCTOR. Five hundred pounds. (DOCTOR writes in book.)
(JOHN in a fury is threatening to strike AUNT HANNAH. DOCTOR turns and catches him—they both bow. DOCTOR writes in book again. JOHN bangs back of couch. AUNT HANNAH starts with a shriek. DOCTOR starts also.)
DOCTOR. Now, sir, are you prepared in any way to accept this liability?
JOHN (right up to DOCTOR, furiously). No—most certainly not!
DOCTOR (closing book and crossing R.) Then there’s nothing more to be said.
JOHN (crossing to DOCTOR). Oh yes there is, I’m a little smarter than you imagine, and I can tell you something. That isn’t a woman you’ve been talking to, that’s a man!
(AUNT HANNAH very indignant. DOCTOR laughs.)
Oh, you can laugh, you can laugh, but I can prove it.
(AUNT HANNAH screams, very nervous.)
DOCTOR. You can do what, sir?
JOHN. Prove it!
DOCTOR. Not in my presence, you don’t!
(DOCTOR exits hurriedly.)
(JOHN rushes to door R. and with his back against it glares at AUNT HANNAH.)
AUNT HANNAH (rising in terror). Don’t you look at me like that, sir. Don’t you look at me like that!
JOHN. Take off those pads.
AUNT HANNAH. Pads!
JOHN. Take off those pads!
AUNT HANNAH. I don’t wear pads.
JOHN (advancing on AUNT HANNAH). You cheat! You dirty little turncoat—to make a fool of me like that.
AUNT HANNAH (jumping round table L.C. to R.). Don’t you touch me, sir. Don’t you touch me!
JOHN. Take off those rags, or I’ll thrash you! (Grabs at her skirt, which he tears off, leaving AUNT HANNAH in a very pronounced petticoat. JOHN pushes AUNT HANNAH till she falls on to couch down L.)
(Enter PAMELA from window R.C.)
PAMELA. John! John! I’m surprised at you—treating a woman like that.
(Crosses to AUNT HANNAH, kneeling by her.)
JOHN. A woman! (Gazes into AUNT HANNAH’S face.) Oh, good lor’, it’s a woman!
(Sinks into chair R. of table L.C.)
PAMELA. Yes, a woman. There, there, calm yourself, calm yourself. (To JOHN.) Mr. Tully told me you were trying to get clothes off someone!
JOHN. Where—is—TULLY?
PAMELA. I left him in our flat. He was telling Mr. Trippett that you withdraw your claim. John, she’s fainted! (Rises—looks round.) Get some water, get some water, John. (PAMELA goes up behind table L.C. looking for water.)
JOHN. I haven’t the faintest idea where to get water—I don’t know this beastly flat—(Suddenly thinks of water-spout.) Ah! I know. Stand back. Pam—stand back!
(Gets hold of tube water-spout. JOHN takes the plugged handkerchief from wall and the water-pipe squirts directly on to AUNT HANNAH’S face. JOHN plugs the pipe again and crosses to AUNT HANNAH, assisting her to rise. AUNT HANNAH, when water falls on her, screams and makes movement with arms as if swimming.)
JOHN. Why, who are you?
AUNT HANNAH. I’m Mr. Tully’s aunt.
JOHN. Mr. Tully’s aunt!
AUNT HANNAH. Yes, I am Aunt Hannah!
JOHN. Aunt Hannah! Go and look after her, Pam.
(PAMELA picks up AUNT HANNAH’S skirt and assists AUNT HANNAH off door L. AUNT HANNAH muttering until off.)
(Exit AUNT HANNAH and PAMELA down L.)
JOHN (dazed, and gazing at door). Another five hundred gone.
TULLY (off, window R.C.). Everything’s going splendidly! Everything’s going splendidly!
(TULLY enters windows R.C., comes right down C. and faces audience. He is dressed in woman’s clothes which are much too big for him and is padded out with the cushions.)
JOHN (looks up—sees TULLY). Take it away! Take it away! You’re too late!
TULLY. Don’t I look all right?
JOHN. All right? You look more like a goat than a woman!
TULLY. I thought I looked like a little bit of fluff. What’s happened? (Turns to JOHN.)
JOHN. Do you realize that the stout—lady—in the ’bus accident was—your—aunt!!!
TULLY (going up to JOHN). The fat woman was Aunt Hannah? How do you know this? How do you know this?
JOHN. Because she is here now—in your bedroom.
TULLY. Really. You’ve seen her?
(JOHN nods.)
Have you been very nice to the old lady?
JOHN. Nice! You should have seen what I did to her!
TULLY. Oh, it’s not as bad as all that surely?
(Enter PAMELA. TULLY picks up skirts and dashes off door R.)
PAMELA (laughing). What’s that?
JOHN (crossing to PAMELA). That’s Tully; I think he’s gone mad.
PAMELA (crossing R.). And so has Mrs. Tully. Do you know she swore the pearl necklace you gave me belonged to her?
JOHN. Did she really?
PAMELA. Yes. I can’t help laughing. I gave it to her.
JOHN (starting). You gave her the necklace.
PAMELA (laughing). Yes. I certainly didn’t want a scene with a woman like that.
(JOHN goes mad with delight, dances down L.)
JOHN. Ha! Ha! You gave it to her. You gave it to her. Then the Rajah’s got it back again—the Rajah’s got it back again.
PAMELA. Don’t give way, John.
JOHN. Ha! Ha! I must give way. (Still dancing.)
PAMELA. But you don’t know what I gave her. I didn’t give her the real necklace. (JOHN stops dancing.) I was wearing the imitation one that cost thirty shillings.
JOHN (his spirits down to zero). You gave her the imitation one?
PAMELA. Yes.
JOHN. Are you sure?
PAMELA. Yes, I have the real one here. It has a crown on the clasp. (Shows necklace.) See! (She realizes her mistake.) John! John! I’ve—I’ve given her the real one—I remember now—I changed it at mother’s. I did change it. John, I’ve given her the real necklace! (Bursts into tears and sits R.C.)
JOHN (dances all round the room with joy, then over to PAMELA). There, there, dear, don’t go mad. It can’t be helped. We all make mistakes.
PAMELA. Something must be done. This will kill mother.
JOHN. We must chance that.
PAMELA (starting up). Couldn’t Mr. Tully get the necklace back for me?
JOHN. No, impossible!
PAMELA. Impossible, why?
JOHN (takes PAMELA’S arm confidentially). I’ll tell you a secret, Pam, Tully’s a wrong ’un.
PAMELA. A wrong ’un?
JOHN. Yes, he’s a dark horse. And I’ll tell you something else. That isn’t Mrs. Tully; that’s Tully’s little weakness. He calls her Agnes, and that’s the type of man Mr. Tully is.
PAMELA (with a knowing nod of the head). I had my suspicions. Then perhaps there’s time for me to catch her before she finds the Rajah. (She rushes off windows R.C.)
JOHN. Come back, Pam. Come back!
(Exit PAMELA.)
(Enter AUNT HANNAH door L., without her hat.)
AUNT HANNAH. Where is my nephew, sir? Where is my nephew?
JOHN. Ah, Aunt Hannah! He’s afraid to meet you until you forgive me for all I’ve done. There’s been a most absurd mistake caused by your likeness to Bertram. If you’ll only let me explain.
AUNT HANNAH. Really, I don’t think it matters. (Looking at her wet clothes.)
JOHN. But you’ve no idea what a wonderful likeness there is—except of course—you look the younger.
AUNT HANNAH. Oh, no, I don’t. (Coyly.)
JOHN. Oh yes you do.
AUNT HANNAH. Oh, no, I don’t!
JOHN. Then all is forgiven?
AUNT HANNAH. Why, of course!
(TULLY runs on from door R., sees AUNT HANNAH.)
TULLY. Aunt Hannah! (Over to her, kisses her.)
AUNT HANNAH. Bertie, my boy, my boy!
(PAMELA enters from windows, R.C.)
PAMELA. John, it’s too late; the Rajah’s gone and taken the necklace with him!
JOHN. Thank heaven! And I’ll save up your money and buy you another—and that’s the truth!
PAMELA. But you always do tell me the truth, John.
JOHN. But in future I’m going to tell you better truth. And now we can go home in safety. (PAMELA and JOHN going up to window R.C.) Oh, Bertram, where are you going?
TULLY. I’m going to take Auntie down to the Mission.
JOHN. Then, good-night!!
(Exit PAMELA and JOHN window R.C.)
AUNT HANNAH. Bertie, I’ll just go and put my bonnet on.
(Exit AUNT HANNAH door L.)
(MAMIE puts head round door R.)
MAMIE. Bertie!
TULLY. Oh!
MAMIE (enters and over to TULLY). I’ve got rid of the Rajah. Will you take me out to supper?
TULLY. Certainly not!
MAMIE. Don’t be unkind.
TULLY. I couldn’t dream of such a thing.
MAMIE. Oh, Bertie, why not?
TULLY. I’ve promised to take Auntie down to the Mission.
MAMIE. Tell Auntie you’re going on a much nicer mission. You will come—say yes—Bertie! Bertie!
TULLY (suddenly making up his mind to take the plunge). Oh, Fluffie!!
(TULLY kisses MAMIE excitedly. He moves head quickly to and from MAMIE’S cheek, more like pecks than kisses. URSULA enters from door R. AUNT HANNAH from door L. PAMELA and JOHN from windows R.C. All enter simultaneously and seeing TULLY kissing MAMIE they exit simultaneously with varied exclamations and expressions.)
CURTAIN.