In addition to these laws, this famous doctor in the art communicated to me others which he told me had been established by the most celebrated beggars of Italy, and particularly by the renowned Albert, surnamed Messer Morcon—in other words, Mr. Big-guts—who was looked upon as Generalissimo of the Beggars at Rome. In truth, he well deserved that title, and even that of Prince of the Beggars, or rather the Archbeggar, of Christendom.
He was worthy to be Emperor of the Idlers, as well on account of his appearance as of his manners and understanding. He would devour at a single meal the whole of the tripe and trotters of two good sheep, a cow’s udder, and ten pounds of bread, not to mention the scraps that he collected, which he generally applied solely to his own use. He would drink in proportion. It is true that he alone would scrape up as much in begging as ten of the most deformed and crippled of our Society; but then he had occasion for all this, as I before told you; for although he consumed every scrap that was given him, and spent all his money in drink, he was frequently obliged to have recourse to the larders of other beggars, who, considering themselves his vassals, were always well pleased to contribute to his subsistence. He never seemed satisfied either with wine or victuals. He always went, both summer and winter, open breasted, and never wore either shirt or stockings. His head was always bare, his chin always well shaved, and his skin was as white and shining as if it had been rubbed with lard.
Among other rules made by this famous Messer Morcon during his reign, there is one which is well worth repeating: he ordained that every beggar should sleep on the ground, without either mattress or pillow, and that they should leave off begging every day as soon as they had gained sufficient for the day’s necessities; for, said he, a true beggar ought to depend entirely upon Providence, and think not of the morrow.
I got all the laws of begging by heart, but was content to observe the most essential only. Nevertheless, as I was ambitious to distinguish myself in every profession I embraced, I was frequently tempted to run risks which turned out neither to my honor nor profit. An unlucky adventure of this description occurred to me one day in the month of September. The day was oppressively hot; I happened to go out between one and two o’clock, to beg from door to door in the streets of Rome, imagining that every one who saw me begging at such a time would be sure to think I must be half starved, and that I should not fail to have either victuals or money given me on that account. In vain, however, did I range the principal quarter of the city, making the air resound with my lamentations; I met with nothing but repulses and reproaches.
I repaired to another quarter, hoping to find hearts more sensible to my cries. I knocked at a door with my stick, but as I obtained no answer, I repeated my strokes very loudly three or four times; but just as I had made up my mind not to budge until I had made myself heard, a kitchen-boy appeared at one of the upper windows, who seemed to be washing dishes, and, as a reward for my obstinacy, poured down a cauldron of boiling water on my head, and immediately afterwards cried out, Scaldings! look to yourself below there!
As soon as I felt myself baptized in this hot manner, I set up so frightful a yell, and made such grimaces, that I gathered a great crowd round me in a moment. Some few blamed the kitchen-boy; but all the rest told me that I was much in the wrong to presume thus to disturb gentlefolks who were asleep, and that if I did not feel inclined for sleep myself, I ought not at least to wake others. Some among them pitied me, and, to console me for my unlucky accident, put a few sous in my hand, with which I withdrew, intending to go home and dry myself. “Admirable!” thought I, in my own way home. “Wilt thou never be content with what is needful for thee? what demon tempted thee to do what others of thy calling never venture to attempt?”
I was already very near my own lodgings, when a neighbour, who was one of the oldest of our fraternity, called me into a cellar where he resided, and, seating me on a three-legged stool, asked me where the devil I had come from, what bath I had just left, and who had made me in such a pickle? When I related my adventure he laughed most heartily. This old man was a native of Cordova, born, trained up, and destined to die in the profession of begging. “My poor Guzman,” said he, “I fear much you will be a simpleton all your life; the blood is too hot in your veins; you seem to wish to be master before you have served your apprenticeship. Do you not see your folly in violating our customs? But, as we are both from the same country, and your extreme youth is some sort of excuse for you, I will endeavour to point out your duty to you more clearly. In the first place, my friend, know that nobody ever gives alms at Rome in the afternoon. The citizens as well as the people of quality always take a nap at that time of the day; and you are sure only to displease by waking them or disturbing their slumbers. When a beggar has howled twice, in a supplicating tone, at the door of a house, without seeing any one, it is a sign that the people of the house do not chuse to be seen, and, consequently, the best way is to be gone without further loss of time. Be not so imprudent as to open a door that you find shut, still less to enter the house; ask whatever you want from the street, for fear of the dogs of the house, who can easily distinguish us from other men, and who, considering us their rivals, have a natural antipathy towards us.
“One of the best pieces of advice that I can give you,” continued he, “is by reminding you that you are a Spaniard. This supposes in you a disposition always ready to treat with rudeness all such as withhold their charity; thus, when you address yourself to one of these ill-disposed rich ones, who not only make it a rule never to assist us, but will also reproach us most bitterly for our idleness, recollect that you should always answer their hard-hearted treatment with words full of softness and humility. Another piece of good advice: should you by chance, which has happened to me at least a hundred times in my life, approach a cavalier who, just as you implore his charity, takes off his glove and puts his hand in his pocket, I do not forbid you to feel rejoiced at such an action; but if you afterwards discover that it was only with the intention of drawing out his handkerchief, do not venture to testify chagrin at your disappointment, nor growl at him, for there may chance to be another gentleman near him who might have intended to relieve you, had not your grumbling prevented his design.”
After the old Cordovan had given me these political precepts, he taught me how I might raise a pretended leprosy and ulcers; how a leg might be swelled; how I might make an arm appear dislocated, and render my face paler than death itself. In short, he possessed a thousand curious secrets, which he was so kind as to communicate to me, not more out of friendship for me, as he told me, than from the fear that he might leave this world for the other without having bequeathed them to any one. In fact, he died a few days after this conversation.
Notwithstanding the disposition recommended by the tenth statute of our laws, I did not think proper to communicate to my comrades the secrets of the Cordovan, who had revealed them to none but myself; nevertheless we all lived together in perfect union. We frequently met together of an evening to the number of ten or twelve, and passed our time in practising and inventing new exclamations to excite pity. There were even some among us who discovered new forms of benediction which they got a livelihood by, and which they sold to the others, who were always willing to purchase them on account of their novelty.
On festival-days we would be up betimes and run to the churches where indulgences were dispensed, that we might secure the best places, by being as near as we could to the Holy Water, or at the entrance of the Chapel near the Station,—which is the place set apart for penitents to stand and recite the prayers prescribed for them. Thus were our mornings employed, and towards night we generally left the City to make an excursion into the villages in the environs, as well as the farms and country-seats, whence we seldom returned without being well laden with abundance of lard, bread, eggs and cheese; sometimes with a good collection of old clothes, so well did we know how to excite the compassion of the good folks in the country. If on the road we saw any person of distinction coming towards us, the instant we perceived him at a distance, we set up a concert of plaintive voices imploring his charity, that he might have abundance of time to put his hand in his pocket, otherwise he might have passed on without stopping.
When we had to meet a number of citizens together, and had time to prepare for it, we would every one of us act a different character; one would halt as if he were lame, another would counterfeit blindness; a third would carry one arm in a sling, another would affect dumbness; a fifth would distort his mouth or his legs, and a sixth would walk on crutches; in a word, we every one of us performed a different part, taking care to place the most skilful amongst us at our head, to render the scene more affecting.
You would have been well amused had you but heard the various benedictions we employed to extract the marrow from their purses. We prayed that God would give them children, prosper their commerce, and bless them with good health; such wishes as these were scarcely ever thrown away. There never was a party of pleasure or an entertainment of any sort going forward, but we were sure to smell it out and pick up something; and we never failed to repair, in small numbers at a time, to such places, where we always got as much as we could eat. The hotels of Bishops, Cardinals, Ambassadors, all the great houses were open to us, and we frequented them by turns: thus we partook of every thing, though we possessed nothing.
I know not how my comrades felt affected when they chanced to receive alms from the hand of a pretty woman; for myself, miserable sinner, when a young female approached me whose figure I admired, I could not refrain from leering upon her with an amorous look when I implored her charity. If she herself gave me money, I pressed her hand tenderly in my own, and kissed it before I allowed it to escape. But I always committed this rash action with so respectful, or rather so hypocritical an air, that the lady, not suspecting that it was merely for my own gratification, always considered this insolence as a transport of gratitude.
The pleasures of this world, which have been thought to be the share of the rich and great only, may much more reasonably be said to fall to the lot of us beggars, who enjoy the sweets of life with more freedom, more relish, and tranquillity. Even though beggars had no other advantage than that of begging and receiving without either embarrassment or shame, they enjoy therein a privilege which none of the rest of mankind possess, sovereigns only excepted, who also beg of their people without blushing: but the difference between them is, that sovereigns often make poor folks contribute to their wants, while beggars seldom ask of any but such as are richer than themselves. There is evidently then no condition of life more happy than that of a beggar, and fortunate were it, indeed, if every one could know when he is so well off. The greater number of my comrades, however, were so entirely engrossed with delicacies of animal life, that one half of their felicity was actually thrown away: they did not reflect how sweet it was to live independent, without the dread of law-suits or the fear that their money was badly applied: to be unaffected by the intrigues of state, by the uncertainty of business and speculation, or by the numberless mischances and embarrassments to which every other man is constantly subject. The first man who embraced this mode of life must, doubtless, have been a great philosopher.
I would willingly have believed beggars entirely free from the control of Fortune, did not that malicious goddess take pleasure in occasionally showing her power over them, by subjecting them to little disgraces, as well as others. Of this nature was what happened to me in the town of Gaeta, whither I went out of curiosity, imagining that a man like me, who might now be reckoned skilful in my trade, would have no sooner entered the place, than alms would shower down as thick as hail upon him. The instant I arrived there I covered my head with a false scab, which I knew well how to counterfeit, and placed myself at the door of a church. The governor of the town happened to pass by me, and after having looked at me for some time with attention, gave me alms. A considerable number of the inhabitants of both sexes followed his example, and this good luck lasted for several days; but covetousness, as the saying is, at last bursts the bag. On the next festival-day, thinking that my pretended scabby head was too old a trick, I determined to make myself an ulcer on my leg, and soon raised one by making use of one of the secrets the old Cordovan had revealed to me.
Having prepared all that was necessary to dress up my leg so as to yield me a good harvest, I posted myself in the best situation at the door of another church, where I immediately began to writhe myself about and howl, as if I had been exceedingly afflicted by my ulcer, so as to attract the notice of every one that passed by me; and though my healthy countenance was sufficient to have belied my complaints (for I had neglected to manufacture a pale face on the occasion), and have created suspicion, yet I found that my apparently distressing situation excited the compassion of many; for these charitable folks did not examine so accurately as to detect me, and I in consequence received individually greater contributions than all the other beggars who were there, who wished me and my ulcer at the devil.
Unluckily, however, the aforementioned governor chanced to come to hear mass at this church, and had no sooner listened to me for a moment than he recognized me by my voice. He could not otherwise have possibly recollected me, for my head was completely covered with a large napkin which descended to my nose; but he was a man of experience who had seen a great deal of the world; and as soon as he espied me I knew well that he said to himself, “It cannot be four days since I saw and relieved this same fellow; can he possibly have been afflicted since that time with so bad an ulcer on his leg? there must be some roguery in this affair, and it is incumbent on me to inquire further into it:” “My friend,” said he, addressing himself to me, “I am much affected by your miserable situation; follow me home and I will give you a good shirt.”
I was so imprudent as to obey him, without the slightest suspicion of his design upon me; for had I in the least guessed at it I should soon have forced my way through his servants, and disappointed him of the punishment he had devised for me. Having arrived at his house, I did not presage much good when he looked at me with earnestness, and then demanded of me in a severe tone if I was not the same person whom he had seen a few days since at a church door with a bad head. I turned pale at this question, and could not muster impudence enough to answer in the negative, whereupon he insisted on seeing my head, and not perceiving the least appearance of disorder: “Tell me,” said he, “by what singular remedy you can possibly have cured yourself so perfectly in the short space of four days, and how you can have so inveterate an ulcer on your leg accompanied with so ruddy a complexion:” “Sir,” replied I; so disconcerted that I knew not what I said,—“I know not: but God was pleased that it should be so.”
I was still more troubled when I heard him desire one of his servants to run for a surgeon. I knew well what was preparing for me, and should soon have made an attempt to escape, if I had not observed that the door was locked; but as such was the case I was obliged to submit. At length the surgeon arrived, and examined my leg most attentively, and, skilful as he was, would very probably have been deceived, had not the governor communicated to him in a whisper the reasons he had for thinking me an impostor; after this the surgeon had but little trouble in discovering the truth: he examined the ulcer afresh, and then declared, with an air of importance and sagacity, that I had no more ailment in my leg than he himself had in his eye: “Bring me some hot water,” said he, “and I will prove clearly what I assert.” This was soon supplied; the surgeon rubbed and washed my leg, which became in an instant so clean and healthful, that I dared not utter a syllable in defence of my knavery.
The governor, thinking that he was bound to reward me for my address, gave me the shirt he had been so kind as to promise, which was fitted on my back in a moment by one of his lusty servants, who applied thirty hearty lashes by his master’s directions, by way of recompence for my journey. After which I was ordered to leave the town immediately, with the promise that I should be doubly remunerated if I ever ventured to make my appearance in it again. This was a very superfluous prohibition, for the pleasant treatment I had met with in Gaeta was of itself quite sufficient to divest me of all desire of visiting that place again. I left this cursed town therefore without further delay, shrugging up my shoulders all the way I went, until I arrived once more in the Pope’s territories. I greeted my dear Rome with a thousand blessings as I entered it, and no sooner saw it at a distance than tears of joy trickled from my eyes, and I could not refrain from wishing my arms long enough to have embraced it.
I soon rejoined my old comrades, but took good care not to communicate my late disgrace to them: had they known it, I should never have heard the last of my flogging adventure at Gaeta, which would have been an everlasting joke against me. I told them that I had merely taken a trip out of curiosity to some of the neighbouring villages; but that I had found by experience that, there was no place like Rome for persons of our calling. I must indeed have been half mad when I thought of leaving this blessed city, where we all lived so well, never failing to collect daily as much money as we wanted. Every fowl fills its crop by a single grain at a time. In like manner we accumulated our money; and after having converted it into gold, we carried it about with us sewed to our garments under rags, which frequently concealed a sufficient sum to buy a complete new suit. We might be said to have been stitched up with gold; and there were some few old rascals among us who were worth a very considerable sum which they always carried about their persons. Persons of our class generally possess the vices of avarice and cruelty in the highest degree. I will illustrate this assertion by relating to you a very singular example in the history of a beggar of my own acquaintance, which is well worth the recital.
A poor beggar, named Pantalon Castello, a native of Genoa, having married at Florence, had one son by his wife whom he intended so to establish in life as to render it unnecessary for him either to work, or go into service to obtain his livelihood: with this view, taking advantage of the facility with which the delicate members of a new born infant may be dislocated, he determined on the barbarity of crippling his own child. Perchance, reader, you will feel inclined to stop me here, to tell me that this is by no means extraordinary among beggars. I am ready to allow, that beggars of every nation in the world are in the habit of availing themselves of such inhuman means to excite compassion: but our Pantalon, like a true Genoese, was willing to surpass all his predecessors in this point, and disfigured his poor son so dreadfully that there was scarcely such another monster in the world. This unfortunate child, who, with the exception of his arms and tongue, which had not been touched, was deformed all over, was no sooner out of his infancy, than he began to exhibit himself through the streets in a kind of cage, on a little ass which he guided with his own hands.
If, however, his body had but little of the human form in it, by way of amends he had a great deal of wit, which shone the more brilliantly as he advanced in age. His repartees were so pleasant and so much to the purpose, that he was the admiration of all who knew him, and received great alms, which he owed no less to his facetious and good natured manner, than to the compassion excited by his unfortunate person. Deformed and ugly as he was, however, he lived until seventy two years of age, after which he fell sick; and knowing well that his illness must be fatal, he began to reflect on his past life, and sent for a confessor, a pious and learned man, with whom he was acquainted. Having discoursed with him about all his affairs as well spiritual as temporal, he called in a Notary, to whom he indited his will in the following terms: I recommend my soul to God who created it, and my body to the earth, and I wish to be interred in my own parish.
Item, I desire that my ass be sold, and that the money accruing therefrom be employed in defraying the expenses of my burial. As for the pack-saddle, I bequeath it to the Grand Duke my Lord, to whom it of right belongs, and whom I hereby nominate executor to this my will, and universal heir to my property.
This beggar died a few days after, and his Will being made public, became the talk of the city of Florence. As every one had known him to be a merry-conceited fellow all his life, it was the general opinion that he had hoped, by this seeming burlesque, to make folks laugh at him even after his death. But the Duke somewhat differed from them; for having frequently heard of the testator and his pleasantries, he suspected there might be some mystery in it. To unravel it, therefore, he ordered the pack-saddle which was bequeathed to him to be brought to his Palace, where he caused it to be unripped in the presence of the whole court, who were not a little surprised at discovering in it several pieces of gold of all kinds, to the value of three thousand six hundred crowns, of four hundred maravedis each. It came afterwards to be known that it was by the advice of his Confessor that he had thus disposed of his property, which the Grand Duke, like a just and pious Prince, made a good use of, by employing the whole of it in founding a perpetual Mass to be said for the testator’s soul.
Having risen one fine morning betimes, as was usual with me, I seated myself at the gate of a Cardinal who passed for one of the most charitable men in Rome, having first taken great pains to swell and dress up one of my legs into an ulcer, which might have deceived the most skilful surgeons. I had not, on this occasion, forgotten to make my face as pale as possible, for I should have been inexcusable indeed had I committed the same fault twice. I began begging in the most dolorous tone that my voice was capable of, and several of the servants who were passing in and out were much affected by my plaintive moans: but this was merely practising for the game I had in view. It was the pity of their master that I hoped to excite, who no sooner made his appearance than I redoubled my cries and complaints, addressing him in these words: “O noble Christian! friend of Jesus Christ! take pity on a poor afflicted sinner, diseased and crippled in the flower of his age; be pleased, your Eminence, to take compassion on my misery, and praised be the passion of our Redeemer.”
The Cardinal, who was a holy man, stopped to listen to me; and hoping to please the Lord in extending his charity towards me, he turned to his domestics, saying, “Take this poor wretch in your arms, and convey him into my chamber; there let these rags be taken from off him, furnish him with clean linen, lay him in my own bed, and have another prepared for me in the next apartment.” These orders were instantly obeyed. O charity which may serve for an example to other prelates, who in general consider Heaven as indebted to them, when they pay the slightest attention to the misery of the poor! The Cardinal did not stop here, but sent for two of the most celebrated surgeons in Rome, desiring them to examine my leg, and do every thing in their power to cure it; and after having promised to reward them well for their trouble, he left them to their own proceedings.
On the faith of this promise, the surgeons immediately began to inspect my ulcer, which at first seemed to them incurable. Mortification seemed already to have taken place. This was occasioned, however, by nothing but the herbs I had applied, and could only last for a certain time, after which, by omitting the application, my leg would have been restored to its natural healthy state. They then threw off their cloaks, drew out their cases, and ordered some fire to be brought them in a chaffing-dish, some fine white linen, and some eggs and milk. While all these things were preparing, they began to question me concerning my disorder, how long I had been afflicted with it, and if I knew how I first came by it? if I drank any wine? what I was accustomed to eat? In short, they asked me all the questions usual with persons of their profession on such occasions, to which I was not able to answer a word, so dreadfully frightened was I at the terrible preparations that were making before my eyes. I knew not what Saint I could presume to implore, for I could not flatter myself that there was one to be found in Heaven willing to intercede for such a knave as myself. I began to reflect on what had so recently happened to me at Gaeta, and could scarcely hope to escape in this instance with so slight a punishment.
The surgeons, after having turned my leg in all directions twenty times over, retired into another chamber, to discourse together, and communicate their observations to each other more privately. I was terribly alarmed as to what would be the result of this consultation, not knowing but they might decide on cutting my leg off. I leaped straightway out of bed, therefore, to follow and listen to them, fully resolving to confess the truth, if I should find they had determined upon amputation. I approached the door, and while I listened most attentively to their conversation, heard one of these sages say to the other: “We may make a good job of this, brother, if we can understand each other; the leg is dreadfully inflamed, and must take a long time to cure.” “You certainly must be jesting,” answered the other, “there is no more inflammation on that leg than on my hand: it is a description of disorder which I am sure I can convince you may be removed in less than two days.” “Do not believe it,” replied he who had first spoken; “by St. Comas, I flatter myself I have some knowledge in ulcers, and I do maintain that this is a decided mortification.” “No, no,” retorted the other; “believe me, our patient is an arrant rogue, and has no real disorder whatever to complain of; I know well enough how a sham ulcer may be raised, for I have often met with similar cases, and can even tell you the herbs this impostor has made use of to reduce his leg into its present apparently diseased state.”
The surgeon who had been my dupe was quite abashed at these words; but thinking that it concerned his reputation to persist in his first assertion, he would not yield to his comrade’s opinion. The dispute would have grown very hot between them, had not the second surgeon been politic enough to terminate it by entreating his brother to examine the leg afresh. “Just inspect it again,” said he, “and you will no longer doubt the deception.” “Willingly,” replied the other; “and if I find the ulcer such as you have affirmed, I will readily yield to your judgment.” “That is not enough,” replied the former; “in acknowledging your error, you must also agree that I deserve to have a greater share of the profits than you.” “By no means,” cried his companion; “do not take so much merit to yourself for such a discovery, which I might have made without your assistance. I insist that we share equally whatever fees his Eminence may give us.” They disputed afresh on this point, and their quarrel grew so high that they came at length to the resolution of laying the full particulars of the case before the Cardinal.
When I found how things were likely to end, I hesitated no longer, but entered the room suddenly, threw myself at their feet, and with tears in my eyes, (for I had a peculiar talent in being able to cry when I would) addressed them in these words:—“Take compassion, my dear gentlemen, on one who is but a man like yourselves. You well know that the rich are so hard-hearted now-a-days, that it is impossible for the poor to excite their pity, otherwise than by covering themselves with wounds and sores, and that it is but seldom that we can obtain any thing but the most miserable pittance even by these means. What can you gain by discovering my knavery? you will lose the reward which has been promised you, which cannot escape you if you can consent that we all three concert matters together. You may safely venture to place confidence in me, for the fear of punishment will insure my discretion.”
The surgeons, after a little reflection, made up their minds to profit by this opportunity of touching the Cardinal’s money. This was no sooner agreed than we returned to his Eminence’s chamber, where they seated me on a chair, and began to re-examine my leg, which they plastered up with the drugs they considered most likely to make the sore last as it was. They then bound it up, and wrapped a napkin round it, and, observing the Cardinal enter the room at that very instant, took me up in their arms to keep up appearances, and placed me on the bed again. His Eminence, who was extremely uneasy on account of my ulcer, inquired about it immediately. “My Lord,” said one of the surgeons with a grave countenance, “this poor lad’s situation is truly pitiable; his leg is already mortified; we trust, however, that with God’s assistance, we may be able to do something for him, but his cure must be the work of time.” “It is most fortunate for him,” said the other surgeon, “that he has this day fallen into our hands; one day more must have proved fatal; and Heaven had certainly ordained that his life should be saved by sending him to the door of your Eminence.”
The Cardinal was extremely pleased at this report, and told them that they might take as much time as they pleased, provided they cured me in the end. He besought them afresh to neglect nothing that might contribute to my recovery, promising that he would see that I should be well treated in his house. They assured him that his confidence should not be misplaced, and that they would not fail, one or other of them, to call and see me twice a day; for that it would be necessary for them to consult together upon the slightest change that might take place in my disorder. After this they withdrew, and left me more at ease in my mind; for to this moment I had been very suspicious of these two treacherous rascals, lest they should expose my knavery while they pretended to be accomplices. These unconscionable dogs obliged me to keep my chamber for three months, which appeared three ages to me, so difficult is it to lose the desire for gaming and begging. In vain did I lie in a fine bed; in vain did I fare like his Eminence himself; nothing could recompense me for such confinement. At length, I pressed, I tormented my surgeons so eternally to bring this comedy to an end, that they were obliged at last to yield to my importunities. They left my ulcer, therefore, to take its course, and when they found that my leg was restored to its natural state, acquainted the good Cardinal with it, who was quite astonished at so wonderful a cure, and dismissed these quacks, after having paid them much more than they deserved. His Eminence had been so kind as to pay me several visits during the course of my pretended illness. I had frequent conversations with this holy prelate, who having discovered in me a sort of wit which pleased him, had taken a great fancy to me. As a proof of which he proposed and seemed to wish to take me into his service, among the number of his pages; an honour which was too gratifying to me to think of refusing.
Thus did I all of a sudden become a page. This was in truth a fine leap for me, although between knave and page there is no difference but their dress, for their propensities are precisely the same; it served, however, to amuse me, and prevented my growing idle, though I felt like a fish out of water in my new employment. As a beggar I was in my element; accustomed to the soups of Egypt, I felt myself at home no where but in the tavern. I was, therefore, by no means pleased by the life I led in this house, where every thing was regulated by rule and compass; where at one time I was employed with a flambeau in my hand running up or down stairs, to light our visitors as they entered or left the house, and at another was obliged to dance attendance in the ante-chamber, kicking my heels there for about two hours, until I received my orders. Always in readiness to follow carriages by night as well as by day, or to wait at table and devour with my eyes only all the dishes that were served up; in a word, it was necessary for me to be at hand on all occasions, and that not for a few days only, but from the first day of January to the last of December.
Ah! miserable slave, you will naturally say, what profit could you possibly derive during a year of so much trouble? alas! I must answer, I was servant to every body; a fine coat was certainly given me, but that not so much for my own use as my lord’s honour. I got nothing in this service but the itch and severe colds, except some ends of flambeaux which I stole and sold to the cobblers; and it was necessary to be very cautious to commit even these little thefts with impunity. Woe to us pages if we were ever caught in the fact; we were sure to get well lashed. Besides the pieces of wax that we cut off the flambeaux, we sometimes lay our hands upon some tit-bits that were served up at table, which we ate in private. But such tricks as these required more dexterity than was possessed by any of my comrades; and a pretty accident befel one of these silly fellows. As he was clearing away the dishes after having waited at table, he thought proper to steal some honey fritters, which he wrapped up hastily in his handkerchief, and crammed into his pocket. The fritters being very hot, and pent up in so close a place, began to discharge their honey, which ran all down the poor page’s leg. Ill-luck directed the Cardinal’s eyes that way, who, guessing at first sight what it was, began to laugh most heartily. “Page,” said he, addressing himself to this simpleton, “I perceive blood trickling down your legs; are you any where wounded?” At this question, all the company, which was very numerous, and even the servants, turned about to look at the culprit’s leg, and the poor devil of a page stood confused and mortified, knowing that his crime was discovered. Happy for him had he been let off for the shame of enduring the extreme laughter which he excited, but he paid much more dearly the next day for his fritters, the honey of which was but sour to him.
Most of my other comrades were as green as this one when I was first received among them; and as I could not refrain from following my old habits, I employed myself in robbing them of whatever they had worth stealing, in spite of all the pains they took to secure themselves from my clutches. This soon taught them to be rather more vigilant. Our master kept, in a closet adjoining his own bed-chamber, a large chest, filled with all sorts of dried sweetmeats, which he was extremely fond of. In this chest, among other things, were prunes from Genoa, bergamot-pears from Aranjuez, melons from Grenada, citrons from Seville, oranges from Placentia, lemons from Murcia, cucumbers from Valencia, love-apples from Toledo, peaches from Arragon, and raisins from Malaga. In short, the most delicious sweetmeats and dried fruits of every description were to be found in this enviable chest, which never failed to make my mouth water whenever his Eminence gave me the key to get some out for him. On such occasions, however, he always took good care to be present himself, distrusting, as I supposed, my thieving disposition. I was much mortified at this suspicion, which only served to excite my desire, which was already strong enough, to have a taste of these fine preserves, and not being able any longer to resist the temptation, I thought of nothing but the means of gratifying my inclination. The chest was about a yard wide, and two yards and a half long, and had only one lock in the middle. Seeing this, I procured a wooden wedge, and raised a corner of the lid, by which means I made an opening large enough to admit my arm; but as I could then only choose such sweetmeats as lay within my reach, I fastened a hook to the end of a long stick, with the assistance of which I had the pleasure of picking and choosing where I pleased. Thus I made myself complete master of the chest without having the key of it.
Notwithstanding the great quantity of fruits in the chest, my stick was so frequently at work that they began to diminish apace. The Cardinal observed large holes here and there, which did not much please him; but one day being desirous to taste a very fine citron which he had taken particular notice of the preceding evening, what was his astonishment when he found it flown? He summoned his principal officers before him, and told them he was determined to know which of his domestics had been so insolent as to open his chest and touch the fruits he so much prized, charging his major-domo, a sour ill-natured priest, to leave no stone unturned to find out the thief. Suspicion fell upon the pages, and we were ordered to assemble in the hall, where we were searched, one after another; but to no purpose were our pockets ransacked, in vain were we threatened, for I had long ere this not only eaten the citron but digested it.
This affair soon blew over, and no more was said of it. The Cardinal, however, had not forgotten it, and I was obliged to be so much on my guard that I did not venture to pay another visit to my favourite chest, even to look at it, for several days. This vexed me exceedingly; for I had acquired a particular relish for his Eminence’s sweetmeats, and so far from thinking of giving them up, was waiting anxiously for the first opportunity of having another touch at them. One day, therefore, while the Cardinal was engaged at play with some other Cardinals after dinner, I doubted not that I should have abundance of leisure to resort to my old sport again. Quite confident of this, I ran for my tools, which I had hid in a snug place, and glided into the closet without being perceived by any one. Scarcely had I raised the lid and thrust in my arm, when his Eminence entered the chamber, and finding neither of his pages there, assisted himself to what he wanted. I heard him, and endeavoured to release my arm with so much haste and fear that I struck the wedge out with my elbow, and the lid fell on my arm, so that I was caught like a bird in a trap. The Cardinal, hearing the noise, began to be alarmed for his sweetmeats, and entered the closet immediately, where he found me in this ludicrous situation: “Ah! ah! friend Guzman,” cried he, “is it then you who rob me of my sweetmeats?” The grimaces that I made at finding myself so fairly caught were so ridiculous that he could not restrain his laughter. He even called the other Cardinals that they might enjoy my confusion, who left off playing and ran up immediately; and after they had diverted themselves for some time at my expence, they entreated him to forgive me this time, saying that they were convinced I should not again transgress. But my master was inexorable: all that their prayers could obtain for me was, that I should receive only a dozen lashes instead of four-and-twenty, which I had so richly deserved. This chastisement could not be remitted; and the major-domo, signor Nicola, my mortal enemy, was charged to inflict it in his own apartment; which duty he acquitted himself of with such hearty good will, that I was scarcely able to stir for above a fortnight after.
It was not many days, however, before I was avenged on him for this hard usage. You must know that this chanced to be just the season for mosquitos, with which Rome was more than usually swarmed that year. Signor Nicola, who loved his ease, was complaining one day in my presence how much he was annoyed in his bed by these troublesome companions. “Signor,” said I, “you will have only yourself to blame if you are not quickly rid of them for ever. In Spain we have an infallible secret to secure ourselves from being plagued by these insects, which, if you please, I shall be happy to communicate to you.” “You will oblige me beyond measure,” answered Nicola. “You have only,” replied I, with a serious countenance, “to lay at your bed’s-head a good bunch of parsley well steeped in vinegar, of which these vermin are extremely fond, and which is sure to kill them.”
He believed me, and tried the experiment that very night, but it had a very different effect, for he found himself assailed more cruelly than ever, and was even fearful that they would have eaten his nose off or torn out his eyes, and had given himself a thousand violent thumps on the face during the night to get rid of them. Thus had he fought with them until daylight, when he found that he had not come very victoriously off, for that even of such of his enemies as he thought he had crushed, very many had escaped. I did not fail to go into his chamber to see him the first thing in the morning, and his swoln eyes quickly assured me of the success of my plan. He told me how he had been tormented, saying that my secret was not worth a farthing. I affected great astonishment. “You cannot then,” said I, “have left the parsley long enough in the vinegar, or the vinegar you were supplied with must have been very weak and bad; for I assure you, that by carrying a bunch of parsley prepared in the same manner into my own chamber, I have entirely cleared it of these troublesome guests, who were there in swarms before I used this remedy.” The major-domo was fool enough to believe me again, and left a whole bundle of parsley to soak for above six hours in the strongest vinegar he could procure, and then not only put it into his bed, but scattered it all over his chamber. God knows what furious attacks he was therefore exposed to: I verily believe that all the mosquitos in the neighbourhood poured down in legions upon him to devour him, and made so furious an assault, that they left him like a leper all over his body. What a thrashing would he have given me had he met me on the following day! but his Eminence, to prevent accident, called us both into his presence, desiring him not to treat me harshly on the occasion, and at the same time gave me a slight reprimand, though he could scarcely restrain his laughter at the success of my scheme. “For what reason,” said the good prelate, “have you played such a scurvy trick upon Signor Nicola?” “My Lord,” replied I, “for no other reason than that when he had orders to give me a dozen lashes for my exploit among the sweetmeats, he accommodated me with more than twenty on his own account. I have only, therefore, avenged my scars by those I have inflicted on him.
Thus ended this notable affair. Ever since my unlucky adventure of the sweetmeat-chest, I had been discharged from the chamber of the pages. The flogging I got was not the only way in which I was punished, for I had been passed into the Chamberlain’s department, to serve among the foot-boys until I had sufficiently atoned for my offence to be reinstated in my former post. The Chamberlain was a man of honour and sincerity, but rather too scrupulous, and even inclined to be visionary. He had several relations in the neighbourhood, who were very virtuous girls, but so poor, that he would send every day two thirds of his own meals to enable them to subsist. He went occasionally to dine or sup with them. This afforded an opportunity to the officers of the family, and especially our Major-domo, to rally him before his Eminence, who was greatly diverted by it.
One night when the Chamberlain came home after having dined with his relations, finding himself rather indisposed, he retired into his own chamber and went to bed. The Cardinal not seeing him at supper, inquired after him. “My Lord,” said one of the servants, “he is not very well.” The Cardinal, who was anxious to know what could ail him, sent one of his gentlemen to see, who returned with a report that the Chamberlain only required a good night’s rest, and that he doubted not he would be perfectly well again by the morning. This passed off well enough; but the Secretary Nicola, who was always ready to pick a hole in the Chamberlain’s coat, having learnt the next morning that he was much better, caused one of the pages to be dressed up in a young woman’s clothes, who, with the assistance of a bribe to one of the foot-boys, introduced himself into the bed-room while the Chamberlain was fast asleep, and glided to the side of the bed where he was concealed by the curtains. Immediately after this the Secretary went to wait on the Cardinal, who inquired after the invalid the first thing. “He has passed but an indifferent night, I understand,” answered Nicola, “but is much better this morning.” The Cardinal, who loved all his domestics as a father loveth his children, resolved, upon hearing this, to go and see the Chamberlain himself, who was disturbed from his slumbers to be apprised of the honour intended him.
His Eminence then entered the sick man’s chamber, and sat down on a chair at the side of the bed; but scarcely was he seated, when he saw the metamorphosed page slip suddenly from the bed-side, who counterfeiting, most naturally, the embarrassed female anxious to escape, got off at length crying, “Oh! good God, I am ruined for ever! what must his Eminence think of me!” The Cardinal, who had not been prepared for this scene, and who believed his Chamberlain to be a religious steady man, appeared to be extremely surprised at this sight; but great as his astonishment was, it amounted to nothing in comparison with that of our visionary Chamberlain, who, as if just roused from a most horrible dream, cried aloud, that it was assuredly the Devil himself come to tempt him in the shape of a woman. This idea caused so excessive an agitation of his spirits that he could scarcely be restrained from leaping out of bed in his shirt before his Eminence, and taking to his heels. As all the servants who were present were privy to the Secretary’s design, they could not avoid laughing, from which the Cardinal soon perceived that it was only a trick upon his Chamberlain, and had the goodness to relieve his distress by undeceiving him himself. After which he retired.
All this was just over when I reached home, having been out on different commissions the whole of the morning. Finding the worthy Chamberlain very low-spirited on my return, I enquired the cause, and he related the whole affair to me, saying he had no doubt that Nicola was at the bottom of it. “I would willingly, my dear Guzman,” added he, “most willingly sacrifice one of my eyes to be amply avenged on him for this plot, and with your assistance I doubt not I may be able to return him a ‘roland for his oliver.’ A knowing shaver like you will soon devise some good trick to play him.” “I must confess,” answered I, “that were I in your place, the Secretary should have no occasion to go to the Pope for absolution; I would make him do sufficient penance for his trick. Remember, however, that he is my superior, and it is not for me to interfere with officers who are above me. If I was excused for the trick I played master Nicola on my own account, it was only because what I did was to revenge myself for his former cruel conduct towards me.”
In vain did I represent to the enraged Chamberlain, that I dared not take up his cudgels, lest I should repent it; he would admit of no excuse. His prayers, my great friendship for him, the mortal hatred I had for the Secretary, and above all my natural propensity to mischief, determined me at length to espouse his cause. “Well then,” said I, “leave it to me, I will undertake to make my talents useful to you. All I require of you is, to behave towards the Secretary as though you had not the most distant thought that he was the author of the late plot.” The Chamberlain, simple as he was, played his part so well, that all the servants thought he had forgiven all that had passed.
In the meantime I was on the alert in preparing every thing to keep my promise. I bought some rosin, mastic, and frankincense, reduced the whole into a powder, and mixed them well together in a paper packet which I kept in my pocket until an opportunity presented itself of making use of it. This offered itself very opportunely a few days after. It was the Spanish post-day, and Mr. Secretary being very much engaged, I went to his apartment in the morning, and entered his wardrobe where his servant was. “James,” said I, “my dear fellow, I have a loaf and a fine slice of fried ham below. I want but a bottle of wine to make a good breakfast. If you can supply this, you shall share with me; otherwise I must look for some one else.” “Mr. Guzman,” answered James, his eyes sparkling with joy, “I am your man; I can easily get you a bottle of the very best wine, and if you will but wait here I shall be with you again in an instant.” Thus saying he disappeared, leaving me master of the wardrobe. Then looking about for his master’s breeches, for I knew the Secretary did not put them on in the morning, having slipped on his dressing gown over his shirt that he might write more at his ease. I perceived them on the back of a chair. I took them up and turned them inside out, and after having strewed my powders all over the inside of them, I replaced them exactly as I found them. James soon returned with the wine, but scarcely had we begun breakfast when his master called him to assist in dressing, and detained him in his room so long that I was obliged to find another to share my bottle with me, waiting most anxiously for the time when I should have the pleasure of seeing my composition operate.
It had its full effect at the Cardinal’s dinner, where there were a number of visitors that day. As we were in the middle of the dog-days, the extreme heat of the weather was very favorable to my trick. Mr. Nicola was in waiting in the parlour with the other officers. I soon remarked by his distortions that he felt a great itching in a part of his body where through respect he dared not put his hand. He knew not how to keep his countenance, and unfortunately, the more he shrugged himself about the more he increased the pain. As he was naturally as hairy as a bear, the powder stuck in his hair and flesh, and twitched him like the points of a thousand needles. This was not all, for the Cardinal having some orders to give him, called him, and whilst in the act of whispering to him, his Eminence was obliged to stop his nose all at once, saying: “What on earth have you about you, that you smell so strong of rosin and frankincense?” The Secretary coloured at these words, and stood farther off from his master, who, perceiving that almost all my comrades, whom the Chamberlain had let into the secret, were whispering and laughing among themselves, began to suspect that I had been at my tricks again. As I stood very near to him looking very demurely all the while; “Guzman,” said he, “what is the fun now that seems to cause so much tittering?” “I know not indeed,” answered I, “unless it be on account of our Secretary’s having taken a laxative draught composed of turpentine this morning.” The Cardinal laughed most heartily, and the whole table followed his example. Nicola now began to see through the business, and not being any longer able to endure the jeers and laughters with which the dining parlour resounded at his expence, took to his heels with a precipitation which redoubled the pleasure of the company. After he had left the room, the Cardinal, impatient to know what was really the matter, addressed himself to the Chamberlain, who concealed nothing from him. This adventure established my reputation in the palace as a most formidable character.
After having been banished two months from the chamber of the pages, I was at length recalled and re-established in my former post, the duties of which I resumed with as much effrontery as if nothing had happened. This brought to my mind a fable which you have doubtless heard, of the Air, the Water, and Shame, who having kept company together for some time, and being at length obliged to part, were desirous to know where they should see each other again. Quoth the Air, “you will always find me on the top of mountains;” “and I, without fail,” said the Water, “may always be found in the bowels of the earth.” “As for me,” said Shame sighing, “if I am once parted with, it is impossible to meet with me again.” Nothing can be more true: in my own case I felt it, for I was now no longer susceptible of shame at the commission of a bad action; the only shame I felt was in being detected. In short, I was so naturally disposed to knavery, that I really believe I would have thrown myself headlong from the top of the Castle of St. Angelo, if I saw any thing at the bottom worth stealing.
As the good Cardinal was a great lover of sweetmeats, especially of those that came from the Canaries in barrels, he would always send for more when his stock was out; and when the barrels were empty they became the property of the first servant who took possession. One fell to my share in this manner, in which I kept my handkerchiefs, cards, dice, and other effects of a poor page. One day a man called to inform his Eminence that a merchant had just received twelve barrels of fruits of this description. The Cardinal ordered them for himself. I heard this order given, and said within myself, it shall go hard but I have one of them. I retired to my chamber to consider how I could make myself master of one, and resolved on this plan: I instantly emptied my barrel of my old rags, and having filled it with earth and straw, I closed it down, and put on the hoops again so neatly that it looked as if it had never been opened. This done, I went down into the court-yard to wait the arrival of those that were full of sweetmeats. I had not waited long before I perceived them coming with the Major-domo at their head, who ordered us to carry them immediately into the closet where his Eminence usually kept them. Each of my comrades carried up a barrel. I took good care to be the last with mine, having my reasons for wishing to walk after all the rest. We were necessarily to pass by my chamber, so that seeing myself followed by no one, I slipped in unperceived, and changing the barrels in the twinkling of an eye, carried the one I had so well filled with earth and straw, and laid it boldly among the rest in the Cardinal’s closet. His Eminence was himself there to see them, and when they were all arranged in order he turned towards me with a smile on his countenance and said: “well, Guzman, what think you of these barrels? it will not be so easy a matter to thrust an arm into these, or to use wedges as with the former ones.” “If wedges will not do,” replied I, coolly, “I may be tempted to employ my nails, for the hand sometimes does the office of the arm.” “Ah!” replied his Eminence, “but I defy thee to pilfer these barrels, which have no corners to be lifted up as the chest had.” “True,” replied I, “but I beseech your Eminence not to defy me in any thing; for the devil may in such a case furnish me with the means of deceiving you.” “Be that as it may,” cried the Cardinal, “I give you leave with all my heart to steal these sweetmeats if you can, and I give you eight days to do it in. Should you be dexterous enough to succeed, you shall not only be allowed to keep what you steal, but I promise you as much more: on condition, however, that should your genius be obliged to yield, you will without murmuring submit to whatever penalty I may choose to inflict.”
“That is but just my Lord,” said I, “and I agree to the alternative. Yes,” continued I, “if I do not perform my task in four and twenty hours, for I ask not eight days for so trifling an affair, I will submit to any punishment Signor Nicola may be pleased to sentence me to, who, after the affair of the mosquitos and that of the turpentine, is not likely, you will allow, to be too lenient a judge.” The Cardinal laughed at these last words, and it was finally agreed that I should be punished or rewarded on the following day.
What precautions did not his Eminence take to secure his barrels from my clutches! besides keeping the key of the closet in his own possession, he set some of his most confidential domestics to be most constantly on the watch. The next day at dinner the good prelate, fancying me a little thoughtful, said with a smile: “Guzman, I see plainly what makes you so dull; you are reflecting on the luxury of receiving a hundred lashes from the vigorous arm of Signor Nicola.” “Indeed my Lord” replied I, “nothing was farther from my thoughts; for the sweetmeats are already in my possession.”
The Cardinal, fully persuaded that no one could possibly have gained access to his closet or touched his sweetmeats, seemed surprised at my effrontery, and rallied me all dinner-time on the strapping that was justly my due. I allowed him to divert himself as long as he pleased, but when the dessert was about to be served up, I stole privately out of the dining room up to my own chamber, and drew out of my barrel some of the sweetmeats, with which I filled a basin I had taken off the sideboard for that purpose, and carried them to his Eminence’s table. He was so strangely surprised at sight of them, that he could scarcely believe his own eyes, “Here,” said he to the chamberlain, giving him the key of the closet, “go and count the barrels attentively; there must be one short.” The chamberlain returned with an assurance that they were all safe. “Ah, ah!” said the Cardinal, “I now see through your finesse, my poor Guzman. You have purchased some of the same merchant who sold me these fruits, and now hope to make me believe that you have stolen them; but it will not do, Mr. Guzman; your undertaking was to open and pilfer one of my barrels and take out some of the sweetmeats; this was our wager as you will be pleased to recollect; you cannot, therefore, escape the punishment.” “Come, Signor Nicola,” continued he, “seize this rash youth, and inflict on him such chastisement as he may appear to you to deserve.” “Softly, my Lord,” said I, at these last words; “I confess that I amply deserve all this if the sweetmeats that I have just laid before you are not some of those your Eminence bought yesterday; but you must allow also that I have won if I prove the contrary, by convincing you that I have at this moment in my own chamber one of the twelve barrels that were yesterday brought into your palace.”
“Be cautious what you affirm, page,” interrupted the Chamberlain; “there are twelve barrels in my master’s cabinet which I have counted over and over again.” “That may be,” said I to the Chamberlain, “but recollect that the wolf often eats the counted sheep.” The Cardinal anxious to know the truth of the matter, hastened his dinner over, that he might examine his closet, whither he repaired, accompanied by all the guests that dined with him that day, who for the most part felt convinced by the bold face I assumed, that the affair would not end to my disadvantage.
His Eminence counted the barrels himself, and finding twelve, “Guzman,” said he, “here are the twelve barrels that I bought.” “My Lord,” answered I, “there are certainly twelve, but they are not all full of sweetmeats.” The Cardinal, losing patience, wished to have them opened. “No, no,” cried I, “I will save you that trouble.” Saying which, I pointed out to him the barrel I had filled with earth and straw, and while they were opening it I ran to my chamber, whence I returned with the other, which was still half full of fruit, and related in what manner I had gained possession of it.
All the company present applauded me for my dexterity, and laughed most heartily at the adventure. His Eminence, agreeably to promise presented me with a second barrel, which I resigned to my comrades, to shew that what I had done was but to amuse my worthy master. Diverted, however, as he was by my slights of hand, he would undoubtedly have dismissed me his service for example’s sake, had he not apprehended that if he abandoned me I might have been driven to the commission of some more desperate act which would end in my utter destruction. Thus this good prelate, compassionating my youth, retained me in his family in spite of all my faults, that I might not be compelled to commit greater crimes elsewhere.