He: “Was that you I kissed in the conservatory last night?”

“About what time was it?”

CHANGED.

Mr. Eubeedee: “Yes, I’ve changed a good deal since then, Mrs. Jones.”

“And for the better, I trust.”

“They used to call me a Wild Youth, you remember; but now—— ”

“Now?”

“Now they call me an Old Reprobate.”

NO USE.

“Don’t you think it would be a good idea to send our beloved pastor abroad?”

“But he wouldn’t stay.”

He: “I hope the fact that I’ve led a gay life and been out nights a great deal won’t make any difference.”

“Indeed it does. If I accepted you, you might REFORM.”

“Have you met him socially?”

“Dear me, no. Only in a business way. I married his daughter.”

Mr.: “The cook has agreed to stay.”

Mrs.: “How did you manage it?”

“I told her it would be cowardly to leave me alone.”

Skinflint: “If anything should happen to me, you will be all right. I’ve just insured my life.”

“But suppose nothing does happen to you?”

A DISTINCTION.

He: “Yes, I remembered you at once as the girl I was engaged to in the mountains some seasons ago.”

“What a remarkable memory for faces you have, haven’t you?”

“No—for rings.”

“You have been very successful with the girls—what is your rule in making love to one?”

“I have no set rule. I merely try, with all the power there is in me, to make as big an ass of myself as possible.”

IN THE COUNTRY.

Gabberley: “Since I bought my place here, property in the neighborhood has depreciated terribly.”

“That’s natural.”

“My wife, tells me, sir, that you have been making love to her.”

“That’s just like a woman, to discuss our private affairs. It will be in the papers next.”

“Will you tell my past for two dollars?”

“No, madam, not your past. You will have to hire me by the day.”

“Young man, have you been trying to kiss my daughter?”

“No, sir! I’ve been trying not to.”

WITHOUT RESERVE

“Is your husband very confidential with you?”

“Very! He tells me everything he suspects I’ve found out about him.”

“I hear, sir, that Freddy is working as a clerk in your brokerage office?”

“Yes. I want him to learn enough about the business to let it alone after I die.”

“Is it expensive sending your girls to college?”

“I should say so! My wife takes advantage of their absence to dress about twenty years younger than she really is.”

CURRENT LITERATURE

“I said, my daughter had been indulgently brought up, and was used to luxury, and I could not consent to her becoming the wife of a literary man. And he said, Damme, his last book had sold a million copies and brought him in over three hundred thousand dollars! What’s a man to do a case like that? He’s got more books making, he says. I shall have to let the foolish girl throw herself away on him, if she wants to.”

“If the Duke proposes what shall i do?”

“Make the best bargain you can, my dear.”

“I see that Professor Gigham, the celebrated all-around scientist, is going to marry that college girl.”

“What’s that for?”

“He wants to complete his education.”

Grandfather: “Say, Willie, don’t you want to go through a toy shop with me this afternoon and see all the pretty things?”

“I’m willing to, pop, if you will get any pleasure out of it.”