In the course of looking over the field for mates a large part of our young people become involved in bodily petting and complete intimacy. How widespread are such premarital sex relations? All the factual studies would indicate that there has been a steady increase. Dr. L. M. Terman, whose book Psychological Factors in Marital Happiness, published in 1938, reports a study he made of 792 couples, concludes:
“The trend toward premarital sex experience is proceeding with extraordinary rapidity.”
Of older couples who married around 1910, he found fifty per cent of the men and eighty-seven per cent of the women had been virgins at the time of marriage. In contrast, of those who married about ten years ago only fourteen per cent of the men and thirty-two per cent of the women were virgins at marriage. Dr. Terman predicted:
“If the drop should continue at the average rate shown ... virginity at marriage will be close to the vanishing point” for males marrying after 1955 and for girls marrying after 1960.
It’s a rare high school nowadays that doesn’t have an occasional pregnant girl, unmarried, in its midst. In one city more than two hundred such pregnancies occurred last year. Most of the sexual experiences today—especially for girls—are with people they eventually marry. But even in this respect the trend indicates that more and more young people are having intercourse with persons they do not marry than has ever been true before in our history. The trend is more pronounced for men than it is for girls. This can be understood in view of the fact that it is the woman who gets pregnant, and not the man.
Of couples marrying today, a relatively high percentage have complete physical intimacy before the wedding night. The rate seems to be higher among the lower economic classes than in the higher levels.
This does not mean the morals of the upper classes are higher but probably is due to the fact that girls in the upper group—who have lived at women’s or other colleges—have more inhibitions. After marriage they often have greater trouble having climactic sexual experience than girls who only went to high school, because of these inhibitions. Probably less than one-third of such wives regularly experience orgasm.
Why has premarital intimacy become more widespread in recent years? There appear to be several major explanations:
—The tensions of two wars and a major depression which led to postponement of marriage but not necessarily to postponement of gratification. Also during the war many girls threw their ideals to the wind in an attempt to find or give happiness on a friend’s last furlough.
—Religion is not as much concerned with sexual taboos today as it was a generation ago.
—We have removed chaperonage and parents generally are more tolerant of their children’s behavior and build in them fewer repressions than in past years.
—The widespread dissemination of birth-control information and the improved techniques in preventing venereal disease have reduced the penalties of indulgence.
—Our people are more mobile today so that it is possible for a young couple to experiment sexually with less likelihood that their parents will find out about them. Boys have access to automobiles in which they can take girls to secluded spots. Hotels have relaxed their restrictions about verifying the “Mr. and Mrs.” of couples who register. Tourist camps rarely had any restrictions to start with. Finally the war took millions of our young people away from their home communities.
In short, the old controls of society have relaxed or are in the process of breaking down. The same is true in Great Britain where studies during the war indicated that one out of every three births was conceived prior to marriage.
While young men engage in intimacies because of the hormones pulsing through their bodies and because it makes them feel more “grown up,” girls engage for somewhat different reasons, though thrill is a factor. Girls in their teens do not have nearly as high a sex drive as boys of the same age. Whereas a man reaches the height of his sexual vigor at around eighteen, a girl does not reach hers until around twenty-eight. This is largely because of the different conditioning boys and girls get. Girls lead more sheltered, guarded lives and thus develop many more repressions and inhibitions about sex than men.
Most girls who start to pet in their teens do so because they are afraid they won’t be asked for dates if they don’t pet. They give kisses as rewards to the boy for taking them to the dance. It is believed that at least one-half of female sex delinquents get little or no pleasure from the sex activity. They indulge primarily to get something else they want: the prestige and pleasure of having dates. This behavior puts sex on a very low plane. The prostitute herself is rarely motivated by excessive sex feeling. Rather she does it to obtain certain other things she considers important, such as spending money, gowns, cosmetics, etc.
Some girls think that because of the surplus of women over men they must be aggressive if they are to get dates, and consider bold petting one of the most effective techniques of aggression. Actually aggression of any kind usually has an adverse effect on a man, and the emotions generated in the girl by petting may lead to a sense of insecurity and a feeling of frustration.
It would be pointless to advise that young people should never neck or pet, because the facts show that the vast majority of young people engage in necking and petting to some extent. But what can be said for and against unmarried couples practicing complete physical intimacy before marriage? What arguments have been advanced in favor of it?
First we have heard it said that premarital sexual relations assist in the wise choice of a mate. You know what you are getting. You will know better whether you and the mate would be compatible sexually. One religious sect in this country takes a unique view on premarital experience. Couples do not marry until a child is conceived. In this way the groom-to-be can rest assured his bride-to-be can bear him children. The trouble here is that many premarital sex experiences of the modern couple are engaged in under circumstances that are hardly favorable to the flowering of sexual desires and their satisfaction. When intimacy is accompanied by feelings of fear or guilt or shame—as is frequently the case in premarital affairs—permanent scars are left on the participants. Usually a person can get just as accurate a clue of what married love would be with a specific individual by petting and conversation rather than by complete intimacy with its usual aftermath of shame and guilt.
Another argument often mentioned in favor of premarital sex relations is that it is dangerous to one’s health to wait. This argument is based on the well-known fact that most young people are mature enough physically to marry several years before economic factors make marriage advisable. So why wither away while waiting? They point to the spinsters who shrivel up for lack of love. This is only a half truth because, as you will see later in this chapter, there are other outlets for sexual feeling available in addition to coitus. These may not be as pleasurable but they are virtually as effective. The withered spinsters are that way because they employ no outlets whatsoever.
On the other side—the reasons why complete intimacy is ill-advised before marriage—we have first of all the fact that society frowns on such intimacy. Even though the practice is widespread it is still illicit love, with all the psychological problems it involves. The idea that the bride and groom be virgins at the start of their marriage is the product of the experience of most civilized peoples. That in itself should mean something. Undisciplined sexual expression has always been found to be destructive to the social group that permits it to take place.
Next, while it can be seriously debated whether complete intimacy hurts or helps an engaged couple planning early marriage, there is no question how it affects persons indulging on a casual basis. We have authoritative information on this point. In one carefully conducted research, the records of twenty-five girls were picked at random—girls who, according to their test scorings, were unconventional and generally unstable emotionally. These girls were carefully interviewed. Of the twenty-five, twenty-one admitted to the counselors that they had been intimate with one or more men during the preceding two years! That is persuasive proof that promiscuous persons are usually also unstable emotionally. And being unstable emotionally they are very poor prospects for marriage.
Finally here are some specific dangers that every person considering complete intimacy before marriage should be aware of:
—Possible pregnancy, and a forced and hasty marriage.
—If the child is aborted the possibility of permanent sterility or other injury must not be forgotten.
—The probability that the illicit relationship may become known to members of your social group, if not to your parents.
—Probability that even though temporary relief from sexual tension is achieved you may suffer from feelings of shame, guilt, or remorse.
—Possibility that your future spouse may discover that you have had sexual relations with another person. It may prey on his or her mind despite the fact that he goes through with the marriage.
—The possibility that the intimacy is practiced under conditions so nerve-racking and undesirable that they cheapen the meaning of the act.
—The risk of venereal disease.
—The possibility—if you are a girl—that the relationship is exploitive. Perhaps the man is seeking his own satisfaction with little regard for the girl or her feelings.
After those warnings regarding complete intimacy are given we would like to make it clear that premarital kissing and petting do have a legitimate function. Recently a nurse trainee came to the Penn State clinic; she was overwrought. She said her current boy friend had laid his hand across her breast. Had she been prudish in becoming upset? She was assured that she hadn’t been. But she was urged not to let the incident drive her to aloofness. Frigidness can wreck one’s chances for a happy marriage just as surely as promiscuity.
It is entirely natural for a mutually attracted young couple to desire to caress each other. It is one of nature’s techniques for encouraging mating. Without it we would have fewer marriages—and children. It is harmful only when the attachment between the two people is completely sexual and they rush into an early marriage, or into intercourse without marriage.
Take for example Dorothy and Bob, who wanted some last-minute advice before marrying. Obviously they were crazy about each other. To them a kiss or embrace was a way to convey their adoration. Everything pointed to their being truly in love and the tests showed them to be well-matched. To deny them such expression of affection when together would not only frustrate their love but might even impair their adjustment in marriage.
Their kind of innocent petting however should not be confused with the “exploitive” kind practiced by a student we’ll call Hale. He said quite casually that he “loves ’em and leaves ’em.” Investigation showed that was precisely what he did. And while he was apparently not as irresistible as he implied, he did find some girls to join him in his sex adventuring. Some naïvely fell for his line. Others joined in quite frankly for the thrill involved in exploring each other. Both Hale and two of the promiscuous girls involved showed in their tests strong traces of emotional instability which would make them poor marriage prospects. Before a girl becomes involved in any petting she should make sure in her own mind that it is not the “exploitive” kind.
Caressing or petting becomes definitely dangerous when physical contact and stimulation become ends in themselves. In the case of an engaged couple in love the intimacy is not just an end in itself but an expression of affection. The important thing is that sexual feeling should develop and grow out of the friendship and courtship of two people, it should not be the initial basis for it. There is likely to be exploitation involved if a couple feel impelled to engage in petting during the first few dates. Petting is progressive and can carry a couple much further than they intend to go. That is the big danger.
Ideally a couple should marry when their friendship and courtship have developed in them such strong sexual feelings toward each other that there is a physical and psychological need for satisfaction. This is why society is more tolerant of petting after a couple become engaged. It is nature’s preparation for marriage. The trouble of course is in the serious lag involved between the time a couple may be ripe physically for marriage and the time they are prepared vocationally and emotionally to marry. We still have our child brides in backwoods areas but most modern Americans do not consider it feasible to marry until they are well in their twenties. And in our civilization that is proper. But it does impose serious temptations on the people who have to wait.
From the time they pass out of adolescence young people—especially men—need outlets for the sexual tensions building up within them. There seems little doubt to us that refraining from any sort of sexual expression does impair one’s psychological balance and mental health. Personality can be damaged and physical health may be damaged. But if we rule out climactic sexual relations with another person what alternatives are left? There are three major forms this can take.
—Climaxes in the dream world. This is most common with men and produces their nocturnal emissions.
—Substitution. This usually means masturbation. Many people think that masturbation is a sin, that it will produce insanity, that it leads to skin blemishes or pimples, that it is something disgusting or filthy, that it stunts your growth. All the evidence indicates that none of these is true. A noted psychiatrist, O. Spurgeon English, recently said: “Most all psychiatrists, psychologists, and educators today regard masturbation as a normal phenomenon ... indulged in to some degree by all human beings during the course of their development.” As we see it, masturbation is a relatively harmless method of reducing tension providing feelings of guilt and shame are not connected with it and providing of course that it is not done excessively.
—Sublimation. You “sublimate” a sexual hunger, or handle it on a “high” socially approved plane by such things as dancing and associating a great deal with persons of the other sex. A young person is greatly helped in this if he is permitted to date at an early age (fifteen is not too young) and encouraged to bring his date to his home. Sublimation cannot reduce sexual hunger but it helps to take your mind off it.
If there is no outlet for these feelings through normal and natural associations with the opposite sex and if parental instruction on sex has been inadequate, really abnormal sex behavior may result.
The most common form of maldevelopment probably is homosexuality. It was once believed that homosexuals were “born that way.” But now it is known that the great majority of them, male and female, are normal in a bodily sense. Their abnormal behavior is clearly the result of unfortunate conditioning. Perhaps a boy was pampered too much as a child and has had little chance to mingle with the other sex, and then is rebuffed when he attempts to make dates because he seems namby-pamby or effeminate. While being forced away from associating with girls the hormones are being poured into his blood stream. The boy becomes tense without realizing why and without any outlet to reduce the tension. Bit by bit he may turn to persons of his own sex for sexual satisfaction, first perhaps through mutual masturbation and finally through homosexuality.
It is known that there is much more homosexuality in girls’ or boys’ schools than there is at co-educational institutions. One study showed that one-third of married women have had at some time in their unmarried days intense emotional relations with other women, even though some did not recognize the behavior as sexual in character. There is every reason to believe that more women engage in homosexual behavior than is true of men. This is understandable in view of the fact that expressions of affection between women are much more acceptable than is true of expressions of affection between men. Nobody thinks anything of two women greeting each other with a kiss, walking hand in hand or with arms clasped about each other. Men would be looked upon suspiciously if they engaged in any such behavior.
Still other abnormal outlets sexual feeling will take if it is not provided with normal or acceptable forms of expression are:
—Voyeurism, or “Peeping Tom” behavior, brought about by curiosity about sexual behavior of other individuals because the person is repressed and lacks sexual information himself.
—Fetishism, which produces an unnatural sex attachment to objects rather than persons. The objects may be shoes, hair curls, wearing apparel. The possession and fondling of such articles create arousal and satisfaction of sex feelings.
—Pedophilia, or unnatural attachment for children, perhaps because it offers them a “safe” way to inspect and caress human anatomy.
—Sadism and masochism. The first feeling comes from inflicting pain on another, the second from having pain inflicted on one’s self. This involves the sensual feeling of pleasure-after-pain which we have already mentioned.
But to get back to the problem of finding socially approved outlets for sexual feeling before marriage. We would advise couples rigorously to refrain from direct sexual stimulation and other below-the-shoulder petting until marriage is fairly imminent if they hope to abstain from intercourse before marriage. The excitation of such petting is apt to swirl a couple into complete intimacy despite their best intentions not to go that far.
We would not undertake to advise young people how far they should go in their petting, but feel that every young person—as a part of his or her personal philosophy of life—should decide just what his limits should be. When the limit is set here are some hints on how to make it stick.
—Reserve even your good-night kisses for people you are genuinely fond of. A girl should not cheapen them by letting a casual date lead her to the davenport to collect a reward for taking her out. And don’t fall into the error of thinking that free-and-easy petting will increase your popularity. It won’t except with people who would make unstable mates anyway.
—Limit carefully the time you are alone with a person of the other sex under romantic conditions. It is almost a “rule of love” that the longer a couple are alone with nothing much to do, the greater the likelihood they will pet. Several college girls tell us they never agree finally to a date until they are sure there will be something definite to do—go to the movies, dance or play gin rummy. If parents or school authorities set a time limit for you to be home they are really doing you a favor.
—Learn to sense when either is becoming physically aroused and stop. Again college girls tell us that when they recognize the danger signals they suggest to the man that they dance, go for a soda or take a walk.
—Learn that alcoholic beverages may relax your inhibitions to the point where you will go much further than you intended. That is why some people wisely refrain from drinking or limit themselves severely while on a date.
Some people respond to their mates with a greater intensity of emotion than do others. This test should reveal your own responsiveness.
If you answered yes to fifteen or more of these you are a warm, ardent person and should be able to work out a satisfying sexual adjustment in marriage. If you answered yes to nine or less you appear to be reserved and cool by nature. Your best chance in marriage will be with a person of similar disposition.