Will You marry the one person you have met whom you would like most to marry, will you have to be content with a second choice, or will you have no choice at all? The answer will depend on how appealing a person you are. And frequently that appeal can be enhanced by knowledge of techniques for winning the romantic interest of persons of the other sex.
The person who wants to win a mate must put three thoughts in the prospective mate’s head. You must make that person feel the need of a mate ... that you are the person who can best fit that need ... and that the time is ripe for marriage.
First, let’s consider some of the things a girl can do to get a man thinking along those lines:
—She should talk about the man’s basic needs in a subtle, impersonal way by discussing such things as good food, comfortable furniture, fireplaces, a place where one can bring friends. She gets his ideas on the style of home he likes, and gets his ideas about children. She does all this in a friendly, optimistic way and avoids discussing some of the disadvantages that marriage often entails. Veterans are particularly responsive to such an approach because their shifting, destructive life as fighting men has filled them with a profound desire to settle down to a comfortable, creative life.
—She appeals to the man’s yearning for mastery (which every man has) by giving him the opportunity to do most of the talking. She follows his words with genuine interest and tries to fall in with whatever mood he is in. And she enthusiastically accepts his ideas about places to go on dates and things to do. Definitely, she minimizes any mistakes that he may make, blames him for nothing and keeps her complaints to herself, or lets them come out only as friendly, constructive suggestions.
—She makes herself physically appealing.
—She does not discuss any poor physical health she may have, nor does she discuss any bad breaks or her possible knack for always getting into trouble.
—She lets him get the impression that other men are interested in her, but makes it plain that they do not interest her nearly as much as this particular man.
—She does not run down other girls.
—She makes it clear that she is sure he must be popular, and very successful in his work.
—She talks casually about her married friends and gets across the idea that they are terribly glad they married.
—She strives to make every occasion with this man an enjoyable one.
—Finally she is not afraid to let him know that she likes him and that his feelings toward her matter a great deal.
In short, the girl constantly sets up conditioning situations which make the man feel good inside for having been with her. Soon he’ll start thinking that it would be nice to have that good feeling inside for the rest of his life. That is the mood in which proposals germinate.
What are some of the things a man can do to get a girl in a receptive mood for a proposal? Here are a few:
—If he is a shrewd, practical psychologist he can detect the chief source of her feelings of inferiority. Most girls feel inferior about something, usually something about their appearance since that looms so important to them. Perhaps they are acutely conscious of big hands or thick ankles or mouse-colored hair. In such cases the man should reserve his most enthusiastic compliments for those sites of anxiety. He does not need to mention them specifically, but he should word the compliments in such a way that those features are obviously included in his admiration. The girl will be so grateful that she will want to be with the man as much as she can just to hear him say such nice things.
—The man should be “romantic” if it kills him. He should remember that women inherently are much more sentimental than men. If it weren’t for feminine sentiment there never would have been a Valentine’s Day. The actual sex urge is not as strong in girls as it is in men, so they are much more interested in the forms of courting than in sex expression itself. They want to be told again and again that you adore them.
—The man, if he is adept, can play effectively on the girl’s feeling of insecurity. Security is the most important thing in the world to women. Though girls can make their own living nowadays, most of them still feel their greatest chance for real security lies in marriage. How can the man play on these feelings of insecurity?—by talking to the girl in detail about her job, about her aspirations, her plans for the future. He can accomplish the same result by the reverse technique of talking casually and impersonally about all the things that stand for security in a woman’s mind. He can analyze house plans in a magazine with her; he can talk about his own future at his job and the prospects that some day he will have a job commanding respect and a substantial income.
—The man should be self-assured with the girl and just a bit masterful. Despite all the feminine emancipation of the past few decades, women admire he-men and sometimes yearn to be swooped up, whisked away and relieved of all their problems.
—He should be considerate and gentle with the girl and be careful that he observes all the amenities of politeness. Women are more impressed by etiquette than men.
—He should be careful not to reveal any anxieties he has about his job or his future generally.
—He should let the idea seep out that he is now in a marriageable state of mind and that other girls seem interested in him. Girls have a more fiercely competitive spirit in their mate-seeking than men.
For people who are still a little baffled about the whole business of courtship, we can pass on a tried and true formula for winning a mate. We have seen it work wonders in scores of cases.
The amusing thing is that it was not designed for snaring mates but for snaring customers for American products such as refrigerators. It is sometimes called the AIDA advertising formula, named from the first letters of the formula’s four key words—Attention, Interest, Desire, and Action. To get a person to buy a refrigerator you must first attract his attention, then generate an interest, instill a desire to own the refrigerator, and then give him the final prod that will impel him to go in and lay down his hard-earned money for the machine.
When applied to your situation, it involves these four stages in winning a mate: First, the prospective mate’s attention must be directed toward you. Upon noticing you, he must see something that will arouse his interest. Then he must be stimulated to have a desire to know you better. When desire is aroused sufficiently, action (agreement to marry) results.
There are, of course, many approaches to attracting a person’s attention. A man has more liberties here in making himself seen than a girl but let’s consider some of the socially-approved approaches a girl can make. She can arrange for relatives, friends and social and business acquaintances to introduce men to her. In this her role can appear passive. Or she can use the be-where-men-are approach by attending parties, meetings and community affairs which by their very nature bring her into contact with men.
After winning the person’s attention—whether you are a man or a girl—the best way to arouse his or her interest is through conversation—and not just any conversation. Here out of the whole universe is one person before you. What kind of person is he or she? What are his or her interests? Unharness your curiosity and ask friendly, tactful questions. And you should make it clear that you regard the person’s answers as worth-while. Emphasize the you with such questions as “What do you think about ...” or “Your idea is the most sensible I’ve heard yet.” Whether you are male or female, learn to be a good listener, or rather a good interrogator. Lead the person into topics he or she seems to relish discussing, and if you see frowns or looks of discomfort change the subject.
Jim may be very much interested in photography. He will like you if you ask him questions about his photography, whether he develops his own pictures, the kind of camera he has, the unusual pictures he has taken. However, you must use insight. Nana may be an expert stenographer but may not be very proud of her vocation and so would be more appreciative of questions about her taste in clothes, about the different places she has lived, the books she has enjoyed reading, the movie stars she likes, the places she has visited.
If you are a congenial conversationalist you have undoubtedly gone a long ways toward arousing the interest of this person whose attention you have. Now if you are still interested, begin asking more personal questions about the person’s background. Perhaps this does not come until after several dates. The aim is to arouse in this person a desire to know you still better. Tell him the things you admire in the opposite sex. Intimate that you are sure he must be very popular. By attributing such a personality to him, you create in him a desire to know you better! Once this desire is firmly created, a courtship has begun that may very well lead to the altar.
What traits do people especially look for in mates? One study of college women and college men found these traits to be mentioned most often:
| GIRLS WANT IN MEN | MEN WANT IN GIRLS | |
| Congeniality | Intelligence | |
| Intelligence | Beauty of form and figure | |
| Companionship | Congenial companionship | |
| “Handsome” form and features | Neatness | |
| Wit | Appealing dress | |
| Good nature | Good sportsmanship | |
| Neatness | Modesty | |
| Sincerity | Good morals | |
| Dependability | Sincerity | |
| Good sportsmanship | Wit | |
| Sex appeal | Sense of humor | |
| Flexibility | Sex appeal | |
| Good morals | Honesty | |
| Honesty | Truthfulness | |
| Good manners | Friendliness |
At Penn State students were asked for the qualities they were looking for in their future mate and a quite different list resulted. They wanted their mate to have:
| Honesty | Good health |
| Affection | Love for children |
| Cleanliness | Same religion |
| Sense of humor | Neatness |
| “Good background” | Have character |
Still another survey shows that if mature men are asked what kind of woman they want for a wife, the majority will state that they want a girl who is dark, reasonably slender, intelligent, with a reasonably good figure, and is average to tall in height, and is affectionate in disposition. The emphasis here is on physical appearance. However, only 10 per cent of the men insist that the girl must be “pretty.” Only about fifteen per cent insist that their wife be a blonde, despite the glamorizing of the blonde, and thirty-three per cent of the men say that they do not want blondes under any circumstances. Even the plump girl has a chance. About seventeen per cent of the men want a wife who is plump to solid.
“Looks” certainly are a factor in one’s attractiveness to the opposite sex, particularly with girls. But actually almost any girl can appear attractive to men if she has only one or two really attractive features, providing she is intelligent enough to capitalize on them. She may be flat-chested or knock-kneed but the men scarcely notice that because she designs herself so that her bad features are not seen. The eye is directed to the good features, whether they be lustrous hair or luminous eyes. Some of the most famous stars in Hollywood are either knock-kneed, thick-ankled or big-footed. The only really ugly girls in this world are the freaks, the crude girls, the girls who appear sexless, and the girls who look unhealthy.
“Good looking” girls are the ones who make a good first impression, and have such attractive personalities that the impression persists. There you have an important distinction. “Looks” are important in attracting the possible mate’s attention. There is a psychological factor involved. For reasons of prestige a man usually wants to prove to his friends that he has picked a “looker” when he shows off his new girlfriend. But once the attention is secured, looks for either a man or girl become decidedly secondary considerations. From then on a person stands or falls on his personality. A man can be an Adonis or a girl can be symmetrically perfect. Yet they can bore you and you can’t get them out of your sight fast enough.
What is the normal physical appearance of a man and woman? One physician has found that the average woman has a height of about five feet four inches and weighs approximately 132 pounds. For every inch of additional height she may add five pounds; for every inch less of height she should subtract five. The man, on the other hand, has an average height of about five feet seven inches, or three inches higher than the girl. He should weigh about 142 pounds. For every inch of height more or less a man can add about eight pounds, if he has his clothes on.
Some women want their men to be “tall, dark and handsome” but statistics would seem to indicate that only about one man in two hundred attains the height of six feet.
Sometimes young people develop terrible inferiority complexes because of specific ugly features they have. Since a feeling of confidence and poise is so important in winning a mate it might be advisable for one with a bad nose, for example, to have a plastic surgery operation. As everyone knows, plastic surgery made tremendous strides in the recent war. A good plastic surgeon will remake your nose for a price averaging about three hundred dollars. The operation itself requires less than an hour, and you may be out of circulation for only a couple of weeks. Such an operation leaves no scars because it is performed through the nostrils rather than from outside. Many other operations of this kind are possible: operations that will eliminate scars, that will improve a bad chin, that will give the lips a configuration, etc. The operation may be worth while if it is the only way to remove a source of anxiety. In these days of modern medical science, plastic surgery, orthodentistry, dermatology, etc. almost any person can rid himself of really abnormal features. And once you have achieved fairly harmonious features your personality is what counts.
It is significant that in defining a truly beautiful woman John Powers, the model agent, listed these four things as being in the top ten ingredients of beauty:
One Hollywood columnist wrote in his column the following two sentences that should cause anyone to think: “Beauty is a drug on the market. Personality can command any price.”
Complete self-assurance (tempered by modesty of course) is undoubtedly the most helpful characteristic anyone can have in competing for mates. The person who has an inferiority complex may have developed it because of physical features which prey on his mind, or because of some inadequate behavior in the past. He may have made poor grades in school or not have been able to earn a letter in athletics. There are many ways to acquire self-confidence. Here are some:
But one of the best of all possible ways to rid yourself of an inferiority complex and to develop self-confidence is to become skillful in social activities that young people frequently enter into. Learn to be expert at tennis or golf or Ping-pong or bridge or canoeing, or swimming or bowling or skeet-shooting or gin rummy, or saxophone playing, or being an amateur magician. Nothing builds up confidence faster than to possess a secret skill that interests or amuses people of the opposite sex. Most important of all, learn to be a skillful dancer. If you can float about a dance floor it instills confidence in you, and admiration in your dancing partner. Besides, you will enjoy yourself more. And a person who knows how to enjoy himself is attractive to other people.