Thus far we have talked about what young people think they want in their mates and about the basic needs, which a good mate should fill. But we still haven’t discussed the big question. What are the actual traits you should have and your mate should have if you are to achieve happiness in marriage? What makes a marriage happy or unhappy?
A few years ago no reliable answer was available. But within the past few years a great deal of illuminating data has been turned up by investigators as a result of an upsurge of scientific interest in marriage. This interest was aroused by the frightening rise in marital bankruptcy as shown by the divorce trend.
What are the characteristics actually found in happily married mates and unhappily married mates?
Terman delved into the lives of 792 married couples and came out with these conclusions about the qualities that usually go with both kinds of mates:
Now how about the husbands? Here is what Terman found about them:
| HAPPY HUSBANDS | UNHAPPY HUSBANDS |
| Have greater stability | Often have feelings of inferiority |
| Are coöperative | Compensate by browbeating wife and subordinates |
| Get along well with business associates |
Dislike details |
| Are somewhat extroverted | More radical about sex morality |
| Are more conservative in attitudes |
Inclined to be moody |
| Willing to take initiative | Are more argumentative |
| Take responsibility easily | Like recreations that take them away from home |
| Do not get rattled easily | Apt to be careless about money |
Another approach Terman made was to find out what husbands and wives complain about most in their mates. He found that unhappily married couples were overflowing with complaints while happily married couples voiced few criticisms. Here are the complaints he heard most often:
| COMPLAINTS FROM HUSBANDS |
COMPLAINTS FROM WIVES |
| Wife’s feelings hurt too easily | Insufficient income from husband |
| Wife too critical | In-laws |
| Trouble with in-laws | Impatience of husband |
| Wife nervous or emotional | Husband’s poor management of income |
| Income managed poorly | His tendency to be critical |
| He has no “freedom” | His preferences in amusements |
| Wife has poor taste in amusements |
His failure to talk things over |
| Wife is a nagger | His failure to show affection |
When Terman had accumulated all of his findings, he devised a “Prediction of Marriage Happiness Scale” by means of which an unmarried person could determine his own chances of finding happiness in marriage. This has nothing to do with the other person involved but simply tests your own capability of becoming a good mate for someone. He found what we have already indicated—that your background largely predetermines your ability to be a successful mate. Of the factors he found most significant in predicting happiness in marriage, ten stand out as most essential to success.
| 1. | Are your parents happily married? |
| 2. | Did you have a happy childhood? |
| 3. | Were you free from conflict with your mother? |
| 4. | Was your childhood discipline firm but not harsh? |
| 5. | Did you have a strong attachment to your mother? |
| 6. | Did you have a strong attachment to your father? |
| 7. | Were you free from conflict with your father? |
| 8. | Were your parents frank with you about sex? |
| 9. | Were you punished infrequently and mildly? |
| 10. | Is your attitude toward sex free from disgust or aversion? |
Terman says that any person who has all ten in his favor is a considerably better than average marriage risk. He gives emphasis to this by saying that any one of the ten factors seems to be more important to marriage happiness than does virginity of the individual at the time of marriage.
At Penn State, where the first all-college marriage counseling service in America was founded, an adaptation of Dr. Terman’s prediction scale is used, by special permission of Dr. Terman, along with the Guilford-Martin Personnel Inventory I and other tests. But the main device the Penn State clinic uses in building an over-all “index” of a person’s prospects for a happy marriage is the Adams-Lepley Personal Audit, which was a product of Penn State’s own investigations. This Audit not only discloses your potentialities for being a good mate, and the potentialities of your possible mate, but goes on to match your two profiles to see if you are compatible.
The happiest marriages, the clinic has found, are between persons who not only are good prospects for marriage individually but who have markedly similar personalities. The clinic calls this compatibility. It has found that opposites may attract each other but it is the likes who achieve the happiest marriages together.
In the process of perfecting this Audit, the clinic not only tested it on thousands of persons and couples but followed up hundreds of those couples who later married, to find out how well the predictions bore up after the couple had been living with each other a year or so as man and wife. (They bore up very well indeed.)
Now the clinic believes it knows just what traits are crucial for men to possess and what ones are crucial for women. (They sometimes differ.)
The Audit measures you for nine separate and distinct traits of personality—sociability, conformity, tranquillity, dependability, stability, idealism, steadiness, flexibility, and seriousness. A personality trait has two extremes, just as height has the two extremes of tallness and shortness. These are the opposite poles for the nine traits just listed:
| Reserved—Sociable | Bold—Fearful |
| Agreeable—Nonconforming | Broadminded—Idealistic |
| Tranquil—Irritable | Calm—Emotional |
| Dependable—Evasive | Rigid—Flexible |
| Thoughtful—Frivolous |
Let’s consider these nine traits, and their significance when found in a mate. (You can also apply them to yourself.)
Trait I. Is He Reserved or Sociable? Another way to put it is this: “Is he introverted or extroverted?” The reserved person is usually quiet, ambitious, serious, agreeable with intimates and confines his socializing to close friends. Sociable or extroverted people are extremely social and aggressive. They are talkative and carefree and sometimes show little regard for other people’s rights. They are the “glad-handers.” Perhaps the man is a salesman, or the girl is a sorority president.
The Penn State investigators found, surprisingly, that the happily married men tended to be just a bit more impulsive, to be more sociable, to be more talkative and to have broader interests than did unhappily married men. Women on the other hand could tend to be either reserved or sociable and still be happy, as long as they were not extreme introverts or extreme extroverts.
Trait II. Is He an Agreeable Sort, or Is He an “Individualist”? The agreeable person tends to conform to the norms set by society. He is usually poised, coöperative, can concentrate easily and tends to wholesome recreations. The individualist enjoys the idea of being “different,” is apt to hurt people’s feelings by his brusqueness and impatience with things that bore or irritate him. In extreme cases he is bullheaded and argumentative.
Trait III. Is He Tranquil or Irritable? The tranquil person has an even disposition, works methodically, is patient, gets along well with folks. The irritable person tends to “fly off the handle,” to be easily annoyed, to find fault, to be erratic and peevish.
For men tranquillity is a crucial trait, the Penn State investigators found. The happily married man is less easily annoyed, less irritable, less peevish, less critical than the unhappily married man. To a girl this means she should be careful about marrying a man who is irritable. While it is desirable for the girl to be even-tempered too, this trait is not as important for a girl as for a man. However, it was found that when one of the two mates tends to be irritable and annoyed it is highly desirable for the other mate to be even-tempered. When you get two irritable persons under the same roof the explosions soon force one to beat a retreat, sometimes into divorce.
Trait IV. Is He Frank or Evasive? This is probably the most crucial trait for marriage happiness that we know. The dependable person is frank and truthful and conscientious. He gets along harmoniously with others, is willing to accept responsibility, is stable and coöperative. The evasive person is unwilling to face reality or to accept responsibilities. He “passes the buck” or projects the blame for things onto others. He exaggerates and often lies. He is easily depressed and lacks integrity.
Persons who rate high in dependability consistently are the ones who are happiest in both marriage and their work. This one trait is at least as crucial to happiness in marriage for a girl as is the entire complex of traits measured by Terman’s Prediction Scale. While it is most crucial for girls in marriage, it is also crucial for men. For a girl it is unquestionably the most crucial trait we know.
This means that in considering any possible mate you should be particularly careful to notice whether he or she is dependable or not dependable. Does he keep appointments, tell the truth and work conscientiously?
Trait V. Is He Bold or Fearful? The “bold” person is confident to the point of cocksureness. He is willing to carry out responsibilities, usually is carefree, stable, self-sufficient, and a bit dominant. The unstable, or fearful, person is shy and changeable. He may seem withdrawn and rarely evinces qualities of leadership.
This trait is crucial for women and fairly important for men. A woman, to have a happy marriage, needs to show strong indications of stability, because in running her household alone she must be self-assured and independent in emergencies when outside help isn’t available. A man should beware a woman who is exceedingly nervous or fearful, jittery or afraid. For the man it is important that he be fairly stable, but without being reckless.
Trait VI. Is He Broadminded or Idealistic? The broadminded person is tolerant, flexible, practical, realistic. His temperament tends to be pleasant and smooth. The idealistic person shows strong attitudes. Prejudice, often disguised as “high” standards, may be present. Inferiority and peevishness are often found here.
Stop and think. The girl you want to marry is the one you hope will be the mother of your children. You want her to instill reasonably high standards and ideals in the children. You want her to be conventional and not do things that will bring criticism. The happiest marriages are those in which the wife has high standards and ideals but not ones that are so stiff and unyielding that she can never see any justification for a slip-up now and then. Unhappy marriages are those where the wives have standards that are very low and who behave in unconventional or questionable ways. Our society encourages higher standards and ideals for women than it does for men. The man can be tolerant and easygoing but should have standards sufficiently high so that he considers it important to be faithful to his wife, and does not waste his money in drink or gambling.
Trait VII. Is He Calm or Emotional? Calm persons have “normal” ways of thinking. Their feelings are not intense. Persons whose work requires objectivity and courage—such as surgeons and military leaders—score high at this level. Emotional people, in contrast, usually think in unorthodox ways. They are usually sensitive. Their feelings are volatile and deep-seated. Interests in writing, drama, arts, literature are often found here. Individualistic, creative work is preferred, and the person may appear temperamental or eccentric to others. Repression and sexual conflicts are common.
Since the emotional person is intense and usually not too well adjusted, marriage may not prove too satisfactory. The trait of coolness or steadiness is much more crucial for men than for women. The happiest married men seem to be those who are steady and free of excess emotion. This enables them to be objective in their work. A girl should be wary of selecting a mate who is very emotional, who is too much interested in sex or who works in the movies or other work where there is a great deal of glamour and excitement.
Trait VIII. Is He Rigid or Flexible? This is more important in men than in women, and the man’s age determines whether he should score high in rigidity or in flexibility. If the man is under twenty-five it is well for the couple’s future happiness if he scores quite high in flexibility because marriage requires a great deal of adjusting and a certain amount of trying out new jobs is healthy for a young man. However, flexibility in a man past thirty should make a girl seriously question the advisability of marriage to him because he is apt to be permanently a “will-o’-the-wisp”; his characteristics are pretty well set. A man in his thirties who changes jobs frequently, who is not “settled,” is not a good matrimonial bet.
Trait IX. Is He Thoughtful or Frivolous? Beware of the girl who is frivolous. She will be shallow and discontented; she will have many unsettled problems; she will be worrying about her past as well as her future; she will have trouble making up her mind and will seem to be at loose ends. She may nag and complain. For women, thoughtfulness ranks second only to dependability in importance to marriage happiness.
There you have the nine traits. As you have probably noticed, it is much more crucial for women to have the right personality traits than for men. This is due largely to the fact that marriage looms much larger in a woman’s life than it does in a man’s. A wife has to do the larger part of the “adjusting” to marriage. She usually has to give up her name, her job, her residence, and many of her friends. The man can go on pretty much the same as he did before marriage. The wife must spend the greatest part of her day being a wife (homemaker) whereas the man serves actively in the role of husband only a few hours a day.
In summing up, what advice would we give the young man in order that he can select a mate who will be happy in marriage and contribute to his happiness in marriage? Ideally, he might well look for a girl:
Who is frank and dependable,
Whose family background has been such that she was reared in a happy home,
Who is thoughtful and not beset by conflicts revolving around her adjustments to the opposite sex,
Who is stable and self-sufficient and free from neuroticism,
Who is objective and free from excessive sensitiveness,
Who is friendly, kindly and considerate,
Who is coöperative in her relations with others,
Who is flexible and adaptable,
Who is steady and free from emotional behavior,
Who is tranquil and not easily irritated,
Who has average to high standards and ideals,
Who can be influenced by people who have sound ideas,
Who is somewhat extroverted and carefree.
All of these traits of course are not vital but it is advisable that she fit into the general pattern outlined above.
Next, what should a girl look for in a young man? Ideally, he should be a man:
Who is tranquil and not easily irritated,
Who is dependable and frank,
Who is objective and has feelings that are not easily hurt,
Who gets along easily with others,
Who is coöperative in group projects and likes to help people,
Who is cool and free from emotionality,
Who is concerned about what other people think of him,
Who was reared in a happy home,
Who is free of cares and has broad interests,
Who is fairly well contented with his lot in life,
Who can be influenced by others when their reasoning is sound.
The big question is how you can know if you and any prospective mate have qualities that make you good marriage risks. You will find in the next chapter ten tests that should provide the answer. They will record your rating on the nine traits we have just discussed, plus a rating on your family background.