We presume there are still young men who get down on their knees and make formal proposals but we aren’t personally acquainted with them. The average couple today goes about it more casually. In the course of a conversation they may discuss marriage and find that both like the idea.
Perhaps the old way was better. At least it was clear-cut. Nowadays a girl often cannot be quite sure whether she is engaged or not. The young man may talk good-naturedly about “When we get married” or may give her his wings or fraternity pin without exactly explaining what the symbol is to mean. Most girls tell us they have been engaged two or three times. Perhaps this vagueness is one reason why they fall in and out of engagements.
When is a couple engaged? According to our thinking, two people are not engaged until they definitely agree that they want to marry each other ... not until they inform their friends and if possible their respective parents that they intend to marry ... and not until the man gives the girl some symbol to display that will tell the world she is engaged and off the marriage market.
Four out of five men who become definitely engaged give their fiancées an engagement ring and that is probably most practical because a ring has been the one accepted, universal symbol of betrothal for more than twenty-five hundred years. Originally the symbolism was less subtle. The ring originated in the days of marriage by capture when the ankles or wrist of the girl were bound with sweetgrass. As the bindings became purely symbolic only the finger was tied up, with an engagement ring. If you decide on a diamond ring (and more than three-fourths of couples do) they range in price from a few dollars to many thousands of dollars. According to one of the women’s magazines, more than half the engaged girls get diamond rings costing about fifty dollars.
Whatever the symbol adopted, it should serve the purpose of taking the couple “out of circulation” and to provide exclusiveness for each other. That is one of the basic conditions of an engagement. Exceptions can be made if the man is away for a prolonged period, but as a rule there should be no extra-curricular dating.
Here are some of the purposes that an engagement should serve in addition to taking you out of circulation:
—Engagement provides a period of deepening love and affection during which there is an awakening of sexual feelings which will make the couple yearn for the full intimacy which marriage permits.
—It serves as a period of planning for the future during which the two plan when they will be married, the kind of wedding they will have, where they will honeymoon, the sort of housekeeping arrangement they will make, where they will live, etc.
—It is a period of personality adjustment, of welding the couple into a union.
—It is a period of exploring each other’s interests to find what activities exist that both enjoy and can share.
—It is a time when the wise couple prepares for marriage. The man gets a job, saves some money. The girl learns and perfects her homemaking skills in cooking, sewing, and house managing.
—It is a time to decide whether they want children and how many.
—It is a time when antagonistic habits are broken and new habits which will permit a smoother married adjustment are established.
—It is a time when differences are recognized about religion, about parents, and solved or compromised.
Because of all these functions, the engagement is a period that requires time.
The beginning of the war saw a sharp rise in “gangplank” or hasty war marriages. And the end of the war produced another sharp rise. Thousands of couples rushed into marriage a few days after the returning veterans got off the boat. We can appreciate the desire of some long-separated couples to marry immediately but if they do they are only adding to the inevitable toll of broken marriages that will result.
Hasty marriages get off to a bad start simply because the engagement period, which is the period of planning and preparation for marriage, is cut short.
In one study that was made, forty-seven per cent of the married couples who had known each other less than six months prior to marriage were poorly adjusted! Of those who had been acquainted for five years prior to marriage, less than fifteen per cent were poorly adjusted. Of those who had known each other less than three years, about thirty-three per cent were poorly adjusted.
Similarly, about fifty per cent of the couples had a poor adjustment if they had been engaged less than three months before marriage. In contrast, less than twenty per cent had poor adjustment when their engagement period ranged from nine months to two years. And less than ten per cent of those who had been engaged more than two years were poorly adjusted. In other words, the prospect of an unhappy marriage clearly decreases as the length of the engagement increases.
And incidentally the same study showed that couples were more happily married if both sets of parents approved the marriage. Parents in general are more likely to approve an orderly marriage than one contracted in haste.
Many hasty marriages are contracted secretly. These take two forms. First, the elopement, which is characterized by a secret wedding, but not by a secret marriage. In the second type the couple not only are married secretly but keep the marriage a secret. All the evidence indicates that either type is less likely to be happy even than the hasty marriage performed in public. By their very nature, secret weddings should be avoided by couples. They rarely take place unless the persons are not sure they are doing the right thing.
For couples that involve a returning veteran, it is especially important that they be engaged at least six months after the reunion before marrying. This time will permit you to become reacquainted, to make up your minds if you still want to marry each other, and to adjust to the changes you two have had during your separation. It provides the veteran time to decide what to do about his career. And it provides him with a chance to get back into the routine of civilian living before he takes on the responsibilities of marriage. In the Army or Navy much of his thinking was done for him. Now he must think for himself and take on responsibilities. The transition may be relatively short for him if he decides to go back to an old job; it may be quite long if he elects to continue his vocational preparation.
Sex is a problem during engagement, because it is accepted as a period for greater intimacy, and properly so. In courtship restrained caressing may be engaged in without disturbing public morals, but petting as we define it should wait upon engagement. Our customs permit greater intimacy during engagement than during courtship but frown upon complete intimacy before marriage. On the other hand, society relaxes chaperonage of engaged couples, permits them to keep later hours, to be together for longer periods of time, perhaps to take trips together. Under such circumstances restraint must be applied if an engaged couple is to refrain from intercourse. Fortunately a girl has more inhibitions and thus can apply restraint more readily. However, if she loves her fiancé deeply she is torn between two desires: whether to do or not do what she has been taught; or whether to do or not do what her loved one suggests. If she gives in to him, it is usually because of the tenderness of her affection rather than because she has great sexual desire. Each couple should decide what their limits will be and stick by them. Both should remember that many engagements never result in marriage.
While an engagement represents an honest declaration of intention by the two people that they intend to marry, engaged couples should feel that if there is any question in their mind about the continuance of the engagement each should feel free to call it quits. They should discuss their apprehensions frankly. It is far better not to go through with a marriage that may prove unsuited or unhappy. (However it is foolish, of course, to break an engagement over a quarrel.) This chance of breaking off is another reason for a long engagement. The authors feel that everything should be done to encourage couples to be sure of each other before marriage is contracted. If couples were trained more for marriage and went through a longer preparatory period, then the more poorly matched couples would become aware of the shoals ahead and we would have far fewer broken marriages in America!
Regardless of how badly it may hurt a mate or parents or friends, you should never marry a person against your better judgment because wedlock will only aggravate an unpleasant situation. Nor should you be deterred from fear that the mate will be so upset emotionally that he will commit a rash act. Such a fear in itself should be proof that the person is not emotionally stable and so probably would not make you a good spouse. (Incidentally, a rash act is exceedingly unlikely.)
One of the questions engaged people frequently ask marriage counselors is how much of a “past” should be revealed by one mate to the other. One general principle should be followed completely, namely, that whatever is to be revealed should be revealed before marriage and not afterward. A second principle is that lurid confessions of the past do not provide a good basis on which to begin a marriage. In most cases, we believe, it is wiser for the young couple not to tell each other things that may build resentment or distrust or may create hurt or may produce problems outweighing whatever might be gained through telling. Just because one becomes engaged is no reason why every skeleton must be rattled. The only thing that a couple should tell each other are things that would have a bearing on their future happiness in marriage. Such things as concealed physical defects, previous marriage, legal embarrassments, debts, etc., should be told because they will come out sooner or later anyhow. However, if you do feel impelled—perhaps through feelings of guilt—to reveal disagreeable aspects of your past, discuss it with some trusted confidant or physician beforehand to confirm the wisdom of doing so. And when you do make the revelation, do it casually and without emotion and without making a great fuss over it.
Engagement is a time of growing tolerance and trust and understanding. Frankness characterizes it and you and your mate should be realistic with each other in facing your problems. Your major problems deal primarily with the present and the future rather than with the past. One evidence that you are trying to solve them is the willingness with which you freely discuss them with each other, with your parents and with your trusted confidants.