“There was a man called Job,
Dwelt in the land of Uz;
He had a good gift of the gob,
The same thing happens us.”

A fatal “gift o’ the gob,” alas!—for perfectly convincing proof of which see the following verses from his “History of Jonah”—a gem per se. Jonah—according to the poet—soliloquiseth—

“What house is this, where’s neither coal nor candle,
Where I no thing but guts of fishes handle;
The like of this on earth man never saw,
A living man within a monster’s maw.
Noe in his ark might goe and also come,
But I sit still in such a straitened roome,
As is most uncouth, head and feet together,
Among such grease as would a thousand smother.
In all the earth like unto me is none,
Farre from all living I heere lye alone,
Where I entombed in melancholy sink,
Choak’t, suffocat, with excremental stink.”

On Burns’s first visit to Edinburgh he was introduced, among many others, to a Mr. Taylor, then parochial schoolmaster at Currie, and, in his own estimation, a poet of no mean order. The meeting was effected at the house of Mr. Heron, at whose table Burns was a frequent guest. Taylor brought with him his book of manuscript poems, a few of which were read to Burns for his favourable opinion previous to printing. Some of the passages were odd enough, such as this, on the title-page—

“Rin, bookie, rin, round the warld lowp,
Whilst I lie in the yird wi’ a cauld dowp,”

at which Burns laughed heartily. Next morning Mr. Heron meeting Taylor, enquired of him what he thought of the Ayrshire poet.

“Hoot,” quoth the self-admiring pedagogue, “the lad’ll do; considering his want o’ lear, he’s weel eneuch.”

Though not like it, the foregoing recalls a good anecdote of the poet Campbell, which recently appeared in print for the first time, in the columns of the Christian Leader.

The author of “The Pleasures of Hope” being on a visit to Ayrshire, happened to go into a bookseller’s shop in Kilmarnock. The bookseller, as he entered, whispered something over the counter to a portly and comely old lady, who was making a small purchase of sealing-wax and notepaper. “Lord save us,” she replied, in an audible whisper, “ye dinna mean it!”

“It’s true, I tell ye,” said the bookseller, also in a whisper.

The old lady turned towards the poet and said, not without betraying a slight embarrassment: “An’ sae ye’re the great Thomas Campbell; are ye? I’m vera prood to meet ye, sir, and didna think when I left hame in the mornin’ that sic a great honour was to befa’ me.”

The poet felt much flattered by this tribute; but confusion took entire possession of him, as the worthy old soul continued: “There’s no a man in Ayrshire that has the great skill ye hae, Mr. Campbell, and I wad be greatly obleeged to ye if ye wad come and see my coo before ye leave this part o’ the country, an’ let me ken if ye can do onything for her. She’s a young beastie, and a guid beastie, and I shouldna like to lose her.”

There was an eminent veterinary surgeon, or cow doctor, in the neighbouring county of Dumfries, whose name was also Thomas Campbell, and the worthy woman had mistaken the poet for this celebrated and doubtless highly respectable person.

Of Campbell and Leyden, Gilfillan tells an interesting and instructive story in his Life of Sir Walter Scott. The former thought the latter boastful and self-asserting; Leyton thought Campbell jealous and envious. And there was perhaps a modicum of truth in their estimates of each other. Campbell had been unfortunate and not over well conducted in his youth; had been hindered by circumstances in his path to the pulpit; and this, along with poverty, had soured him. Yet he was a fine-hearted fellow in the main, as well as a thoroughly true one. Leyden had something of the self-glorification of the wild Indian chief, fond of showing his strings of scalps, and chanting fierce war-songs over his fallen foes; but he, too, was sincere, warm-hearted and guileless. When he read Campbell’s “Hohenlinden,” he said to Scott, “Dash it! I hate the fellow, but he has written the best verses I have read for ever so long;” to which Campbell replied, “I detest Leyden with all my soul, but I know the value of his critical approbation.”

Every Scottish reader is familiar with Burns’s weird and inimitable “Address to the Deil,” and some are aware that more than one of our native bards—from a desire to “give the deil his due,” as we may suppose—have essayed to catch up the grim humour of the original effusion, and compose a suitable reply to it. I have myself seen three efforts of the kind, each of them more or less clever: one by Ebenezer Picken, of Paisley, who died in 1816; and two of unknown authorship. For pungency of wit and skill of versification, one of the latter—cut from a Scottish newspaper published in Burns’s lifetime—indisputably “bears the gree,” and forms a not unworthy companion-poem to the original “Address.” It is somewhat lengthy, but its rarity, considered in conjunction with its merit, will justify its quotation in full:—

THE DEIL’S REPLY TO ROBERT BURNS.
O waes me, Rab! hae ye gane gyte;
What is’t that gars ye tak’ delight
To jeer at me, and ban, and flyte,
In Scottish rhyme,
And fausely gie me a’ the wyte
O’ ilka crime?
O’ auld nicknames ye hae a fouth,
O’ sharp sarcastic rhymes a routh,
And as ye’re bent to gie them scouth,
’Twere just as weel
For you to tell the honest truth,
And shame the deil.
I dinna mean to note the whole
O’ your confounded rigmarole,
I’d rather haud my tongue, and thole
Your clishmaclavers,
Than try to plod through sic a scrole
O’ senseless havers.
O’ warlocks and o’ witches a’,
O’ spunkies, kelpies, great or sma’,
There isna ony truth ava
In what you say,
For siccan frichts I never saw,
Up to this day.
The truth is, Rab, that wicked men,
When caught in crimes that are their ain,
To find a help, are unco fain,
To share the shame,
And so they shout, wi’ micht and main,
The deil’s to blame.
Thus, I am blamed for Adam’s fa’.
You say that I maist ruined a’;
I’ll tell ye a’ e thing, that’s no twa,
It’s just a lee;
I fasht na wi’ the pair ava,
But loot them be.
I’d nae mair haun’ in that transgression,
You deem the source o’ a’ oppression,
And wae, and death, and man’s damnation,
Than you, yersel’;
I filled a decent situation
When Adam fell.
And, Rab, gin ye’ll just read your Bible,
Instead o’ blin’ Jock Milton’s fable,
I’ll plank a croon on ony table
Against a groat,
To fin’ my name you’ll no’ be able
In a’ the plot.
Your mither, Eve, I kent her brawly;
A dainty queen she was, and wally,
But destitute o’ prudence wholly,
The witless hizzie,
Aye bent on fun, and whiles on folly,
And mischief busy.
Her Father had a bonnie tree,
The apples on’t allured her e’e;
He warned her no’ the fruit to pree,
Nor clim’ the wa’,
For if she did, she’d surely dee,
And leave it a’.
As for that famous serpent story,
To lee I’d baith be shamed and sorry,
It’s just a clever allegory,
And weel writ doon;
The wark o’ an Egyptian Tory—
I kent the loon.
Your tale o’ Job, the man o’ Uz,
Wi’ reekit claes, and reested guiz,
My hornie hooves, and brockit phiz,
Wi’ ither clatter,
Is maistly, after a’ the bizz,
A moonshine matter.
Auld Job, I kent the carl right weel;
An honest, decent, kintra chiel’
Wi’ head to plan, and heart to feel,
And haun’ to gie—
He wadna wrang’d the verra Deil
A broon bawbee.
The man was gay and weel to do,
Had horse, and kye, and ousen, too,
And sheep, and stots, and stirks enow
To fill a byre;
O’ meat and claes, a’ maistly new,
His heart’s desire.
Forby he had within his dwellings
Three winsome queans and five braw callans
Ye wadna, in the hail braid Lallans,
Hae fand their marrow,
Were ye to search frae auld Tantallans
To Braes o’ Yarrow.
It happened that three breekless bands
O’ caterans came frae distant lands,
And took what fell amang their hands,
O’ sheep and duddies.
Just like your reivin’ Hielan’ clans,
Or Border bodies.
I tell thee, Rab, I had nae share
In a’ the tulzie, here or there,
I lookit on, I do declare,
A mere spectator,
Nor said, nor acted, less or mair,
Aboot the matter.
Job had a minstrel o’ his ain,
A genius rare, and somewhat vain
Of rhyme and lear, but then again,
Just like yersel’,
O’ drink and lasses unco fain,
The ne’er-do-weel.
He’d sing o’ lads and lasses fair,
O’ love, and hope, and mirk despair,
And wond’rous tales wad whiles prepare,
And string together,
For a’ he wanted was a hair
To mak’ a tether.
So with intention fully bent,
My doings to misrepresent,
That Book o’ Job he did invent,
And then his rhymes
Got published, in Arabic prent,
To suit the times.
You poets, Rab, are a’ the same,
O’ ilka kintra, age, and name,
Nae matter what may be your aim,
Or your intentions,
Maist a’ your characters of fame,
Are pure inventions.
Your dogs are baith debaters, rare,
Wi’ sense, galore, and some to spare,
While e’en the verra Brigs o’ Ayr,
Ye gar them quarrel—
Tak’ Coila ben to deck your hair
Wi’ Scottish laurel.
Yet, Robin, lad, for a’ your spite,
And taunts, and jeers, and wrangfu’ wyte,
I find, before you end your flyte,
And wind yer pirn,
Ye’re nae sae cankered in the bite
As in the girn.
For when you think I’m doomed to dwell,
The lang for-ever-mair in hell,
Ye come and bid a kind farewell—
And, guid be here,
E’en for the very Deil himsel’,
Let fa’ a tear.
And, Rab, I’m just as wae for thee,
As ever thou can’st be for me,
For less ye let the drink abee,
I’ll tak’ my aith,
Ye’ll a’ gang wrang, and, maybe, dee
A drunkard’s death.
Sure as ye mourned the daisy’s fate,
That fate is thine, nae distant date,
Stern Ruin’s ploughshare drives elate,
Full on thy bloom,
And crushed beneath the furrow’s weight
May be thy doom.

Much more might be written under this heading, for of the humours of living and recent poets I have scarcely dared to speak. Yea, of the humours of those about whom one may write with perfect freedom, the half has not been told; and to the bookish reader, I feel, the chapter will be interesting as much for what it suggests as for what it contains.

As a last item, the following humorous “dig” at the rigid and narrow Sabbatarianism of the early Dissenters, which has had a wonderful vitality—living as it has done for generations, more in the memory of what we may call the “long-headed” order of the community than in printed books—will be enjoyed. Its authorship—presumably a secret from the first—is still unknown; and it has no history or interesting particular other than is expressed by itself, further than this, that it is occasionally sung to a standard Psalm tune, under the old fashion of “reading the line,” and, when so rendered, sounds inexpressibly droll:—

THE CAMERONIAN’S CAT.
There was an auld Seceder’s cat
Gaed hunting for a prey,
And ben the house she catch’d a mouse
Upon the Sabbath day.
The Whig, he being offended
At such an act profane,
Laid by the Book, the cat he took,
And bound her in a chain.
“Thou damned, thou cursed creature,
This deed so dark with thee,
Think’st thou to bring to hell below
My holy wife and me?
“Assure thyself that for the deed
Thou blood for blood shall pay
For killing of the Lord’s own mouse
Upon the Sabbath day.”
The presbyter laid by the Book,
And earnestly he pray’d
That the great sin the cat had done
Might not on him be laid.
And straight to execution
Poor pussy she was drawn,
And high hang’d up upon a tree—
The preacher sang a psalm.
And when the work was ended,
They thought the cat was dead,
She gave a purr, and then a meow,
And stretched out her head.
“Thy name,” said he, “shall certainly
A beacon still remain,
A terror unto evil doers
For evermore, Amen.”