| The Illiterate Digest Office | Frontispiece |
| Page | |
| You Are Going to Get the Low-Down on Some of Those Birds Who Are Sending Home the Radish-Seed | 26 |
| They Are Carpeting All the Halls of the Senate So in Case of a Fall There Will Be No Serious Loss | 31 |
| As I Opened the Door to Let Her in 2 of Our Dogs and 4 Cats Came In | 46 |
| Birds That Never Can Tell the Servants from the Guests | 53 |
| I Would Invent a Triangle Shape Slide That Could Be Pushed Under the Plate | 56 |
| Song Writers Should Be Segregated and Made to Sing Their Songs to Each Other | 76 |
| Why Can’t I Do Something With Second-Hand Gum? | 86 |
| The More Glasses You Used the More Eclipse You Could See | 98 |
| I Just Happened to Remember That No One Had Said a Word for California | 110 |
| I Want to Do Something for the Home Town Girl So She Can Stay at Home and Show How and What She Is Made Of | 120 |
| So I Got Me Some of Those Long-Handled Wooden Hammers and Started in at Polo | 130 |
| The Family Wash-Tub Was Dragged Up By the Fire | 140 |
| Finally a Warden Knocked at My Dressing Room and Said: “You Die in 5 More Minutes for Kidding Your Country” | 158 |
| I Could Just Sorter Nonchalantly Step on the Bride’s Train | 170 |
| If Mr. Ford Had Been Elected We Would Have Been the Mouthpiece of the Administration | 192 |
| He Started at Four or Five Years of Age and Has Worked on New Stunts Every Day of His Life | 202 |
| If a Rider Hit on His Head, It Was Me | 211 |
| It’s a Bigger Thing for Washington Than the Shriners’ Convention | 216 |
| They Not Only Have to Be Lawyers, But Political Lawyers | 219 |
| They Are from Tulsa. I Will Be Right Out | 226 |
| I Object to the Senator from Massachusetts’ Slurring Remarks | 236 |
| “There’s a Bellboy at My Hotel and He Just Got It From the Chauffeur of a Prominent Oil-Man” | 248 |
| They Rehearsed Their Old Act Here Yesterday | 268 |
| “You Wasn’t Here and You Know Them as Well as I Do” | 278 |
| Well, I Guess You Heard About My Presidential Boom | 286 |
| The Deaths from Old Age Among the Delegates Is About Offset by the Birthrate | 291 |
| “If They Haven’t Got Enough Water in There to Fill the Harbor, We Will Have to Ask the Neighbors to Drain Their Corn Liquor” | 322 |
| “If You Don’t Get Well and Throw Away Your Crutches I Get Nothing Out of It” | 344 |