Enter Latronello and Fucato, tumbling in, in false beards.

Lat. O, I beseech your good worship!

Fuc. Your worshipful worship!

Fal. Thieves! my two-hand sword! I’m robbed i’ th’ hall. Latronello, knaves, come down! my two-hand sword, I say!

Lat. I am Latronello, I beseech your worship.

Fal. Thou Latronello? thou liest; my men scorn to have beards.

Lat. We forget our beards. [They take off their false beards.]—Now, I beseech your worship quickly remember us.

Fal. How now?

Fuc. Nay, there’s no time to talk of how now; ’tis done.

[A Cry within.] Follow, follow, follow!

Lat. Four mark and a livery is not able to keep life and soul together: we must fly out once a quarter; ’tis for your worship’s credit to have money in our purse. Our fellow Furtivo is taken in the action.

Fal. A pox on him for a lazy knave! would he be taken?

Fuc. They bring him along to your worship; you’re the next justice. Now or never shew yourself a good master, an upright magistrate, and deliver him out of their hands.

Fal. Nay, he shall find me—apt enough to do him good, I warrant him.

Lat. He comes in a false beard, sir.

Fal. ’S foot, what should he do here else? there’s no coming to me in a true one, if he had one. The slave to be taken! do not I keep geldings swift enough?

Lat. The goodliest geldings of any gentleman in the shire.

Fal. Which did the whorson knave ride upon?

Lat. Upon one of your best, sir.

Fuc. Stand-and-deliver.

Fal. Upon Stand-and-deliver? the very gelding I choose for mine own riding; as nimble as Pegasus the flying horse yonder. Go shift yourselves into your coats; bring hither a great chair and a little table.

Fuc. With all present speed, sir.

Fal. And, Latronello——

Lat. Ay, sir.

Fal. Sit you down, and very soberly take the examination.

Lat. I’ll draw a few horse-heads in a paper; make a shew. I hope I shall keep my countenance.

[Exeunt Latronello and Fucato.

Fal. Pox on him again! would he be taken? he frets me. I have been a youth myself: I ha’ seen the day I could have told money out of other men’s purses,—mass, so I can do now,—nor will I keep that fellow about me that dares not bid a man stand; for as long as drunkenness is a vice, stand is a virtue: but I would not have ’em taken. I remember now betimes in a morning, I would have peeped through the green boughs, and have had the party presently, and then to ride away finely in fear: ’twas e’en venery[878] to me, i’faith, the pleasantest course of life! one would think every woodcock a constable, and every owl an officer. But those days are past with me; and, a’ my troth, I think I am a greater thief now, and in no danger. I can take my ease, sit in my chair, look in your faces now, and rob you; make you bring your money by authority, put off your hat, and thank me for robbing of you. O, there is nothing to a thief under covert barn![879]

Enter Phœnix and Fidelio; Constable and Officers with Furtivo; and Latronello and Fucato bringing in a chair and table.

Con. Come, officers, bring him away.

Fal. Nay, I see thee through thy false beard, thou midwind-chined rascal, [Aside.]—How now, my masters, what’s he? ha?

Con. Your worship knows I never come but I bring a thief with me.

Fal. Thou hast left thy wont else, constable.

Phœ. Sir, we understand you to be the only uprightness of this place.

Fal. But I scarce understand you, sir.

Phœ. Why, then, you understand not yourself, sir.

Fal. Such another word, and you shall change places with the thief.

Phœ. A maintainer of equal causes, I mean.

Fal. Now I have you; proceed, sir.

Phœ. This gentleman and myself, being led hither by occasion of business, have been offered the discourtesy of the country, set upon by three thieves, and robbed.

Fal. What are become of the other two?—Latronello.[880]

Lat. Here, sir.

Phœ. They both made away from us; the cry pursues ’em, but as yet none but this taken.

Fal. Latronello.

Lat. Sir?

Fal. Take his examination.

Lat. Yes, sir.

Fal. Let the knave stand single.

Fur. Thank your good worship.

Fal. Has been a suitor at court, sure; he thanks me for nothing.

Phœ. He’s a thief now, sure.

Fal. That we must know of him.—What are ye, sir?

Fur. A piece next to the tail, sir, a servingman.

Fal. By my troth, a pretty phrase, and very cleanly handled! Put it down, Latronello; thou mayst make use on’t.—Is he of honour or worship whom thou servest?

Fur. Of both, dear sir; honourable in mind, and worshipful in body.

Fal. Why, would one wish a man to speak better?

Phœ. O, sir, they most commonly speak best that do worst.

Fal. Say you so, sir? then we’ll try him farther.—Does your right worshipful master go before you as an ensample of vice, and so encourage you to this slinking[881] iniquity? He is not a lawyer, is he?

Fur. Has the more wrong, sir; both for his conscience and honesty he deserves to be one.

Fal. Pity he’s a thief, i’faith; I should entertain him else.

Phœ. Ay, if he were not as he is, he would be better than himself.

Fur. No, ’tis well known, sir, I have a master the very picture of wisdom——

Lat. For indeed he speaks not one wise word.

[Aside.

Fur. And no man but will admire to hear of his virtues——

Lat. Because he ne’er had any in all his life.

[Aside.

Fal. You write all down, Latronello?

Lat. I warrant you, sir.

Fur. So sober, so discreet, so judicious——

Fal. Hum.

Fur. And above all, of most reverend gravity.

Fal. I like him for one quality; he speaks well of his master; he will fare the better.—Now, sir, let me touch you.

Fur. Ay, sir.

Fal. Why, serving a gentleman of such worship and wisdom, such sobriety and virtue, such discretion and judgment, as your master is, do you take such a beastly course, to stop horses, hinder gentlewomen from their meetings, and make citizens never ride but a’ Sundays, only to avoid morning prayer and you? Is it because your worshipful master feeds you with lean spits, pays you with Irish money, or clothes you in northern dozens?[882]

Fur. Far be it from his mind, or my report. ’Tis well known he kept worshipful cheer the day of his wife’s burial; pays our four marks a-year as duly by twelve pence a-quarter as can be——

Phœ. His wisdom swallows it. [Aside.

Fur. And for northern dozens—fie, fie, we were ne’er troubled with so many.

Fal. Receiving then such plenteous blessings from your virtuous and bountiful master, what cause have you to be thief now? answer me to that gear.[883]

Fur. ’Tis e’en as a man gives his mind to’t, sir.

Fal. How, sir?

Fur. For, alas, if the whole world were but of one trade, traffic were nothing! if we were all true men,[884] we should be of no trade: what a pitiful world would here be! heaven forbid we should be all true men! Then how should your worship’s next suit be made? not a tailor left in the land: of what stuff would you have it made? not a merchant left to deliver it: would your worship go in that suit still? You would ha’ more thieves about you than those you have banished, and be glad to call the great ones home again, to destroy the little.

Phœ. A notable rogue!

Fal. A’ my troth, a fine knave, and has answered me gloriously.—What wages wilt thou take after thou art hanged?

Fur. More than your worship’s able to give: I would think foul scorn to be a justice then.

Fal. He says true too, i’faith; for we are all full of corruption here. [Aside.]—Hark you, my friends.

Phœ. Sir?

Fal. By my troth, if you were no crueller than I, I could find in my heart to let him go.

Phœ. Could you so, sir? the more pitiful justice you.

Fal. Nay, I did but to try you; if you have no pity, I’ll ha’ none.—Away! he’s a thief; to prison with him!

Fur. I am content, sir.

Fal. Are you content?—Bring him back.—Nay then, you shall not go.—I’ll be as cruel as you can wish.—You’re content? belike you have a trick to break prison, or a bribe for the officers.

Con. For us, sir?

Fal. For you, sir! what colour’s silver, I pray? you ne’er saw money in your life: I’ll not trust you with him.—Latronello and Fucato, lay hold upon him; to your charge I commit him.

Fur. O, I beseech you, sir!

Fal. Nay, if I must be cruel, I will be cruel.

Fur. Good sir, let me rather go to prison.

Fal. You desire that? I’ll trust no prison with you: I’ll make you lie in mine own house, or I’ll know why I shall not.

Fur. Merciful sir!

Fal. Since you have no pity, I will be cruel.

Phœ. Very good, sir; you please us well.

Fal. You shall appear to-morrow, sirs.

Fur. Upon my knees, sir!

Fal. You shall be hanged out a’ th’ way.—Away with him, Latronello and Fucato!—Officers, I discharge you my house; I like not your company.

Report me as you see me, fire and fuel;
If men be Jews, justices must be cruel.
[Exeunt all but Phœnix and Fidelio.
Phœ. So, sir, extremes set off all actions thus,
Either too tame, or else too tyrannous:
He being bent to fury, I doubt now
We shall not gain access unto your love,
Or she to us.
Fid. Most wishfully here she comes.
Enter Niece.
Phœ. Is that she?
Fid. This is she, my lord.
Phœ. A modest presence.
Fid. Virtue bless you, lady!
Niece. You wish me well, sir.
Fid. I’d first in charge this kiss, and next this paper;
You’ll know the language; ’tis Fidelio’s.
Niece. My ever-vowed love! how is his health?
Fid. As fair as is his favour with the prince.
Niece. I’m sick with joy: does the prince love him so?
Fid. His life cannot requite it.
Not to wrong the remembrance of his love,
I had a token for you, kept it safe,
Till by misfortune of the way this morning,
Thieves set upon this gentleman and myself,
And with the rest robb’d that.
Niece. Was it your loss?[885]
O me, I’m dearly sorry for your chance!
They boldly look you in the face that robb’d you;
No farther villains than my uncle’s men.
Phœ. What, lady?
Niece. ’Tis my grief I speak so true.
Fid. Why, my lord[886]——
Phœ. But give me pausing, lady; was he one
That took th’ examination?
Niece. One, and the chief.
Phœ. Henceforth hang him that is no way a thief;
Then I hope few will suffer.
Nay, all the jest was, he committed him
To the charge of his fellows, and the rogue
Made it lamentable, cried to leave ’em:
None live so wise but fools may once deceive ’em.
Fid. An uncle so insatiate!
Phœ. Ay, is’t not strange too,
That all should be by nature vicious,
And he bad against nature?
Niece. Then you have heard the sum of all my wrongs?
Phœ. Lady, we have, and desire rather now
To heal ’em than to hear ’em:
For by a letter from Fidelio
Direct to us, we are intreated jointly
To hasten your remove from this foul den
Of theft and purpos’d incest.
Niece. I rejoice
In his chaste care of me: I’ll soon be furnish’d.
Fid. He writes that his return cannot be long.
Niece. I’m chiefly glad,—but whither is the place?
Phœ. To the safe seat of his late wronged mother.
Niece. I desire it;
Her conference will fit mine: well you prevail.
Phœ. At next grove we’ll expect you.
Niece. I’ll not fail. [Exeunt.

SCENE II.

A Street.
Enter Knight and Jeweller’s Wife.

Knight. It stands upon the frame of my reputation, I protest, lady.

Jew. Wife. Lady? that word is worth an hundred angels[887] at all times, for it cost more: if I live till to-morrow night, my sweet Pleasure, thou shalt have them.

Knight. Could you not make ’em a hundred and fifty, think you?

Jew. Wife. I’ll do my best endeavour to multiply, I assure you.

Knight. Could you not make ’em two hundred?

Jew. Wife. No, by my faith——

Knight. Peace; I’ll rather be confined in the hundred and fifty.

Jew. Wife. Come e’en much about this time, when taverns give up their ghosts, and gentlemen are in their first cast[888]——

Knight. I’ll observe the season.

Jew. Wife. And do but whirl the ring a’ th’ door once about: my maid-servant shall be taught to understand the language.

Knight. Enough, my sweet Revenue.

Jew. Wife. Good rest, my effectual Pleasure.

[Exeunt.[889]

ACT IV. SCENE I.

A Street: before the Jeweller’s House, and the Court of Law.
Enter Proditor and Phœnix.
Prod. Come hither, Phœnix.[890]
Phœ. What makes your honour break so early?
Prod. A toy, I have a toy.[891]
Phœ. A toy, my lord?
Prod. Before thou lay’st thy wrath upon the duke,
Be advis’d.
Phœ. Ay, ay, I warrant you, my lord.
Prod. Nay, give my words honour; hear me.
I’ll strive to bring this act into such form
And credit amongst men, they shall suppose,
Nay, verily believe, the prince, his son,
To be the plotter of his father’s murder.
Phœ. O that were infinitely admirable!
Prod. Were’t not? it pleaseth me beyond my bliss.
Then if his son meet death as he returns,
Or by my hired instruments turn up,
The general voice will cry, O happy vengeance!
Phœ. O blessed vengeance!
Prod. Ay, I’ll turn my brain
Into a thousand uses, tire my inventions,
Make my blood sick with study, and mine eye
More hollow than my heart, but I will fashion,
Nay, I will fashion it. Canst counterfeit?
Phœ. The prince’s hand most[892] truly, most direct;
You shall admire it.
Prod. Necessary mischief,
Next to a woman, but more close in secrets!
Thou’rt all the kindred that my breast vouchsafes.
Look into me anon: I must frame, and muse,
And fashion. [Exit.
Phœ. ’Twas time to look into thee, in whose heart
Treason grows ripe, and therefore fit to fall:
That slave first sinks whose envy threatens all.
Now is his venom at full height. [Voices within.

First Voice. [within] Lying or being in the said county, in the tenure and occupation aforesaid.

Second Voice. [within] No more then; a writ of course upon the matter of——

Third Voice. [within] Silence!

Fourth Voice. [within] O-o-o-o-yes! Carlo Turbulenzo, appear, or lose twenty mark in the suits.

Phœ. Hah, whither have my thoughts conveyed me?
I am now
Within the dizzy murmur of the law.

First Voice. [within] So that then, the cause being found clear, upon the last citation——

Fourth Voice. [within] Carlo Turbulenzo, come into the court.

Enter Tangle and two Suitors after him.

Tan. Now, now, now, now, now, upon my knees I praise Mercury, the god of law! I have two suits at issue, two suits at issue.

First Suit. Do you hear, sir?

Tan. I will not hear; I’ve other business.

First Suit. I beseech you, my learned counsel——

Tan. Beseech not me, beseech not me; I am a mortal man, a client as you are; beseech not me.

First Suit. I would do all by your worship’s direction.

Tan. Then hang thyself.

Second Suit. Shall I take out a special supplicavit?

Tan. Mad me not, torment me not, tear me not; you’ll give me leave to hear mine own cause, mine own cause.

First Voice. [within] Nay, moreover and farther——

Tan. Well said, my lawyer, well said, well said!

First Voice. [within] All the opprobrious speeches that man could invent, all malicious invectives, called wittol[893] to his face.

Tan. That’s I, that’s I: thank you, my learned counsel, for your good remembrance. I hope I shall overthrow him horse and foot.[894]

First Suit. Nay but, good sir——

Tan. No more, sir: he that brings me happy news first I’ll relieve first.

Both Suit. Sound executions rot thy cause and thee!

[Exeunt.

Tan. Ay, ay, ay, pray so still, pray so still; they’ll thrive the better.

Phœ. I wonder how this fellow keeps out madness;
What stuff his brains are made on.

Tan. I suffer, I suffer, till I hear a judgment!

Phœ. What, old signior?

Tan. Prithee, I will not know thee now; ’tis a busy time, a busy time with me.

Phœ. What, not me, signior?

Tan. O, cry thee mercy! give me thy hand—fare thee well.—Has no relief again[895] me then; his demurs will not help him; his sursurraras[896] will but play the knaves with him.

Enter Falso.

Phœ. The justice? ’tis he.

Fal. Have I found thee, i’faith? I thought where I should smell thee out, old Tangle.

Tan. What, old signior justicer? embrace me another time and[897] you can possible:—how do[898] all thy wife’s children,—well? that’s well said, i’faith.

Fal. Hear me, old Tangle.

Tan. Prithee, do not ravish me; let me go.

Fal. I must use some of thy counsel first.

Tan. Sirrah, I ha’ brought him to an exigent: hark! that’s my cause, that’s my cause yonder: I twinged him, I twinged him.

Fal. My niece is stolen away.

Tan. Ah, get me a ne exeat regno quickly! nay, you must not stay upon’t; I’d fain have you gone.

Fal. A ne exeat regno? I’ll about it presently: adieu.

[Exit.
Phœ. You seek to catch her, justice; she’ll catch you.
Re-enter First Suitor.

First Suit. A judgment, a judgment!

Tan. What, what, what?

First Suit. Overthrown, overthrown, overthrown!

Tan. Ha?—ah, ah!——

Re-enter Second Suitor.

Second Suit. News, news, news!

Tan. The devil, the devil, the devil!

Second Suit. Twice Tangle’s overthrown, twice Tangle’s overthrown!

Tan. Hold!

Phœ. Now, old cheater of the law——

Tan. Pray, give me leave to be mad.

Phœ. Thou that hast found such sweet pleasure[899] in the vexation of others——

Tan. May I not be mad in quiet?

Phœ. Very marrow, very manna to thee to be in law——

Tan. Very syrup of toads and preserved adders!

Phœ. Thou that hast vexed and beggared the whole parish, and made the honest churchwardens go to law with the poor’s money——

Tan. Hear me, do but hear me! I pronounce a terrible, horrible curse upon you all, and wish you to my attorney. See where a præmunire comes, a dedimus potestatem, and that most dreadful execution, excommunicato capiendo! There’s no bail to be taken; I shall rot in fifteen jails: make dice of my bones, and let my counsellor’s son play away his father’s money with ’em; may my bones revenge my quarrel! A capias cominus? here, here, here, here; quickly dip your quills in my blood, off with my skin, and write fourteen lines of a side. There’s an honest conscionable fellow; he takes but ten shillings of a bellows-mender: here’s another deals all with charity; you shall give him nothing, only his wife an embroidered petticoat, a gold fringe for her tail, or a border for her head. Ah, sirrah, you shall catch me no more in the springe of your knaveries! [Exit.

First Suit. Follow, follow him still; a little thing now sets him forward. [Exeunt Suitors.

Phœ. None can except against him; the man’s mad,
And privileg’d by the moon, if he say true:
Less madness ’tis to speak sin than to do.
This wretch, that lov’d before his food his strife,
This punishment falls even with his life.
His pleasure was vexation, all his bliss
The torment of another;
Their hurt[900] his health, their starved hopes his store:
Who so loves law dies either mad or poor.
Enter Fidelio.
Fid. A miracle, a miracle!
Phœ. How now, Fidelio?
Fid. My lord, a miracle!
Phœ. What is’t?
Fid. I have found
One quiet, suffering, and unlawyer’d man;
An opposite, a very contrary
To the old turbulent fellow.

Phœ. Why, he’s mad.

Fid. Mad? why, he is in his right wits: could he be madder than he was? if he be any way altered from what he was, ’tis for the better, my lord.

Phœ. Well, but where’s this wonder?

Fid. ’Tis coming,[901] my lord: a man so truly a man, so indifferently a creature, using the world in his right nature but to tread upon; one that would not bruise the cowardliest enemy to man, the worm, that dares not shew his malice till we are dead: nay, my lord, you will admire his temper: see where he comes.

Enter Quieto.
I promis’d your acquaintance, sir: yon is
The gentleman I did commend for temper.
Qui. Let me embrace you simply,
That’s perfectly, and more in heart than hand:
Let affectation keep at court.
Phœ. Ay, let it.
Qui. ’Tis told me you love quiet.
Phœ. Above wealth.
Qui. I above life: I have been wild and rash,
Committed many and unnatural crimes,
Which I have since repented.
Phœ. ’Twas well spent.
Qui. I was mad, stark mad, nine years together.
Phœ. I pray, as how?
Qui. Going to law, i’faith, it made me mad.
Phœ. With the like frenzy, not an hour since,
An aged man was struck.
Qui. Alas, I pity him!
Phœ. He’s not worth pitying, for ’twas still his gladness
To be at variance.
Qui. Yet a man’s worth pity:
My quiet blood has blest me with this gift:
I have cur’d some; and if his wits be not
Too deeply cut, I will assay to help ’em.
Phœ. Sufferance does teach you pity.
Enter Boy.

Boy. O master, master! your abominable next neighbour came into the house, being half in drink, and took away your best carpet.[902]

Qui. Has he it?

Boy. Alas, sir!

Qui. Let him go; trouble him not: lock the door quietly after him, and have a safer care who comes in next.

Phœ. But, sir, might I advise you, in such a cause as this a man might boldly, nay, with conscience, go to law.

Qui. O, I’ll give him the table too first! Better endure a fist than a sharp sword: I had rather they should pull off my clothes than flay off my skin, and hang that on mine enemy’s hedge.