I’ve[827] known a vicious old thought-acting father
Damn’d only in his dreams, thirsting for game
(When his best parts hung down their heads for shame),
For his blanch’d harlot[828] dispossess his son,
And make the pox his heir; ’twas gravely done!
How hadst thou first knowledge on’t, lieutenant?
Maw. Faith, from discourse; yet, all the policy
That I could use, I could not get her name.

Fol. Dull slave, that ne’er could’st spy it!

Maw. But the manner of her coming was described to me.

Fol. How is the manner, prithee?

Maw. Marry, sir, she comes most commonly coached.

Fol. Most commonly coached, indeed; for coaches are as common now-a-days as some that ride in ’em. She comes most commonly coached?

Maw. True, there I left, sir; guarded with some leash of pimps.

Fol. Beside the coachman?

Maw. Right, sir; then alighting, she’s privately received by master Gumwater.

Fol. That’s my grandsire’s chief gentleman[829] i’ th’ chain of gold: that he should live to be a pander, and yet look upon his chain and his velvet jacket!

Maw. Then is your grandsire rounded[830] i’ th’ ear; the key given after the Italian fashion, backward; she closely conveyed into his closet; there remaining, till either opportunity smile upon his credit, or he send down some hot caudle to take order in his performance.

Fol. Peace, ’tis mine own, i’faith; I ha’t!

Maw. How now, sir?

Fol. Thanks, thanks to any spirit
That mingled it ’mongst my inventions!
Hob. Why, master Follywit——
The rest.[831] Captain——
Fol. Give me scope, and hear me.
I’ve[832] begot that means, which will both furnish me,
And make that quean walk under his conceit.

Maw. That were double happiness; to put thyself into money, and her out of favour.

Fol. And all at one dealing.

Hob. ’S foot, I long to see that hand played!

Fol. And thou shalt see’t quickly, i’faith: nay, ’tis in grain; I warrant it hold colour. Lieutenant, step behind yon hanging: if I mistook not at my entrance, there hangs the lower part of a gentlewoman’s gown, with a mask and a chinclout:[833] bring all this way. Nay, but do’t cunningly, now; ’tis a friend’s house, and I’d use it so; there’s a taste for you. [Exit Mawworm.

Hob. But, prithee, what wilt thou do with a gentlewoman’s lower part?

Fol. Why, use it.

Hob. You’ve answered me, indeed, in that; I can demand no farther.

Fol. Well said.—Lieutenant——

Re-enter Mawworm with gown, &c.

Maw. What will you do now, sir?

Fol. Come, come, thou shalt see a woman quickly made up here.

Maw. But that’s against kind,[834] captain; for they are always long a-making ready.[835]

Fol. And is not most they do against kind, I prithee? To lie with their horse-keeper, is not that against kind? to wear half moons[836] made of another’s hair, is not that against kind? to drink down a man, she that should set him up, pray is not that monstrously against kind now? Nay, over with it, lieutenant, over with it; ever while you live put a woman’s clothes over her head: Cupid plays best at blindman buff.

Maw. You shall have your will, maintenance; I love mad tricks as well as you for your heart, sir: but what shift will you make for upper-bodies, captain?

Fol. I see now thou’rt an ass; why, I’m ready.

Maw. Ready?

Fol. Why, the doublet serves as well as the best, and is most in fashion; we’re all male to th’ middle; mankind from the beaver to th’ bum. ’Tis an Amazonian time; you shall have women shortly tread their husbands. I should have a couple of locks behind; prithee, lieutenant, find ’em out for me, and wind ’em about my hatband: nay, you shall see, we’ll be in fashion to a hair, and become all with probability: the most musty-visage critic shall not except against me.

Maw. Nay, I’ll give thee thy due behind thy back; thou art as mad a piece of clay——

Fol. Clay! dost call thy captain clay? Indeed, clay was made to stop holes; he says true. Did not I tell you, rascals, you should see a woman quickly made up?

Hob. I’ll swear for’t, captain.

Fol. Come, come, my mask and my chinclout—come into th’ court.

Maw. Nay, they were both i’ th’ court long ago, sir.

Fol. Let me see; where shall I choose two or three for pimps, now? but I cannot choose amiss amongst you all, that’s the best. Well, as I am a quean, you were best have a care of me, and guard me sure. I give you warning beforehand; ’tis a monkey-tailed age. Life, you shall go nigh to have half a dozen blithe fellows surprise me cowardly, carry me away with a pair of oars, and put in at Putney!

Maw. We should laugh at that, i’faith.

Fol. Or shoot in upo’ th’ coast of Cue.[837]

Maw. Two notable fit landing-places for lechers, P and C, Putney and Cue.

Fol. Well, say you have fair warning on’t; the hair about the hat is as good as a flag[838] upo’ th’ pole at a common play-house, to waft company; and a chinclout is of that powerful attraction, I can tell you, ’twill draw more linen to’t.

Maw. Fear not us, captain; there’s none here but can fight for a whore as well as some Inns-a’-court-man.

Fol. Why, then, set forward; and as you scorn two-shilling brothel,

Twelvepenny panderism, and such base bribes,
Guard me from bonny scribs and bony scribes.[839]

Maw. Hang ’em, pensions and allowances! four-pence halfpenny a meal, hang ’em! [Exeunt.

ACT IV. SCENE I.

A Chamber in Penitent Brothel’s House.
Enter out of his study Penitent Brothel,[840] a book in his hand.
Pen. B. Ha? read that place again—Adultery
Draws the divorce ’twixt heaven and the soul.
Accursed man, that stand’st divorc’d from heaven!
Thou wretched unthrift, that hast play’d away
Thy eternal portion at a minute’s game;
To please the flesh hast blotted out thy name!
Where were thy nobler meditations busied,
That they durst trust this body with itself;
This natural drunkard, that undoes us all,
And makes our shame apparent in our fall?
Then let my blood pay for’t, and vex and boil!
My soul, I know, would never grieve to th’ death
Th’ eternal spirit, that feeds her with his breath:
Nay, I that knew the price of life and sin,
What crown is kept for continence, what for lust,
The end of man, and glory of that end,
As endless as the giver,
To doat on weakness, slime, corruption, woman!
What is she, took asunder from her clothes?
Being ready,[841] she consists of hundred pieces,
Much like your German clock,[842] and near ally’d;
Both are so nice, they cannot go for pride:
Beside a greater fault, but too well known,
They’ll strike to ten, when they should stop at one.
Within these three days the next meeting’s fix’d;
If I meet then, hell and my soul be mix’d!
My lodging I know constantly, she not knows:
Sin’s hate is the best gift that sin bestows:
I’ll ne’er embrace her more; never, bear witness, never.
Enter Succubus in the shape of Mis. Harebrain,[843] and claps him on the shoulder.
Suc. What, at a stand? the fitter for my company.
Pen. B. Celestial soldiers guard me!
Suc. How now, man?
’Las, did the quickness of my presence fright thee?
Pen. B. Shield me,[844] you ministers of faith and grace!

Suc. Leave, leave; are you not ashamed to use such words to a woman?

Pen. B. Thou’rt a devil!

Suc. A devil? feel, feel, man; has a devil flesh and bone?

Pen. B. I do conjure thee, by that dreadful power——
Suc. The man has a delight to make me tremble—
Are these the fruits of thy adventurous love?
Was I tic’d[845] for this, to be so soon rejected?
Come, what has chang’d thee so, delight?
Pen. B. Away!
Suc. Remember——
Pen. B. Leave my sight!
Suc. Have I this meeting wrought with cunning,
Which, when I come, I find thee shunning?
Rouse thy amorous thoughts, and twine me;
All my interest I resign thee:
Shall we let slip this mutual hour,
Comes so seldom in her[846] power?
Where’s thy lip, thy clip, thy fadom?[847]
Had women such loves, would’t not mad ’em?
Art a man? or dost abuse one?
A love, and know’st not how to use one!
Come, I’ll teach thee.
Pen. B. Do not follow——
Suc. Once so firm, and now so hollow!
When was place and season sweeter?
Thy bliss in sight, and dar’st not meet her?
Where’s thy courage, youth, and vigour?
Love’s best pleas’d when’t’s seiz’d[848] with rigour:
Seize me, then, with veins most cheerful;
Women love no flesh that’s fearful:
’Tis but a fit; come, drink’t away,
And dance and sing, and kiss and play!
Fa le la, le la, fa le la, le la la;
Fa le la, fa la le, la le la!
[Singing and dancing round him.
Pen. B. Torment me not!
Suc. Fa le la, fa le la, fa la la lo!
Pen. B. Fury!
Suc. Fa le la, fa le la, fa la la lo!
Pen. B. Devil, I do conjure thee once again,
By that soul-quaking thunder, to depart,
And leave this chamber freed from thy damn’d art!
[Succubus stamps, and exit.
It has prevail’d—O my sin-shaking sinews!
What should I think?—Jasper, why, Jasper!
Enter Jasper.
Jas. Sir? how now? what has disturb’d you, sir?
Pen. B. A fit, a qualm. Is mistress Harebrain[849]
gone?
Jas. Who, sir? mistress Harebrain?
Pen. B. Is she gone, I say?
Jas. Gone? why, she was never here yet.
Pen. B. No?
Jas. Why, no, sir.
Pen. B. Art sure on’t?
Jas. Sure on’t?
If I be sure I breathe, and am myself.
Pen. B. I like it not. [Aside.]—Where kept’st thou?
Jas. I’ th’ next room, sir.
Pen. B. Why, she struck by thee, man.

Jas. You’d make one mad, sir; that a gentlewoman should steal by me, and I not hear her! ’s foot, one may hear the ruffling of their bums[850] almost an hour before we see ’em.

Pen. B. I will be satisfied, although to hazard.
What though her husband meet me? I am honest:
When men’s intents are wicked, their guilt haunts ’em;
But when they’re just, they’re arm’d, and nothing daunts ’em. [Aside, and exit.

Jas. What strange humour call you this? he dreams of women, and both his eyes broad open! [Exit.

SCENE II.

A Room in Sir Bounteous’s House.
Enter at one door Sir Bounteous, at another Gumwater.

Sir B. Why, how now, master Gumwater? what’s the news with your haste?

Gum. I have a thing to tell your worship——

Sir B. Why, prithee, tell me; speak, man.

Gum. Your worship shall pardon me, I have better bringing-up than so.

Sir B. How, sir?

Gum. ’Tis a thing made fit for your ear, sir——

Sir B. O, O, O, cry you mercy; now I begin to taste you. Is she come?

Gum. She’s come, sir.

Sir B. Recovered? well and sound again?

Gum. That’s to be feared, sir.

Sir B. Why, sir?

Gum. She wears a linen cloth about her jaw.[851]

Sir B. Ha, ha, haw! why, that’s the fashion,
You whoreson Gumwater.
Gum. The fashion, sir?
Live I so long time to see that a fashion,
Which rather was an emblem of dispraise?
It was suspected much in Monsieur’s days.[852]

Sir B. Ay, ay, in those days; that was a queasy[853] time: our age is better hardened now, and put oftener in the fire; we are tried what we are. Tut, the pox is as natural now as an ague in the spring-time; we seldom take physic without it. Here, take this key; you know[854] what duties belong to’t. Go, give order for a cullis:[855] let there be a good fire made i’ th’ matted chamber: do you hear, sir?

Gum. I know my office, sir. [Exit.

Sir B. An old man’s venery is very chargeable, my masters; there’s much cookery belongs to’t. [Exit.

SCENE III.

Another Chamber in Sir Bounteous’s House.
Enter Gumwater, with Follywit disguised as the Courtesan and masked.

Gum. Come, lady: you know where you are now?

Fol. Yes, good master Gumwater.

Gum. This is the old closet, you know.

Fol. I remember it well, sir.

Gum. There stands a casket: I would my yearly revenue were but worth the wealth that’s locked in’t, lady! yet I have fifty pound a-year, wench.

Fol. Beside your apparel, sir?

Gum. Yes, faith, have I.

Fol. But then you reckon your chain,[856] sir.

Gum. No, by my troth, do I not, neither: faith, and[857] you consider me rightly, sweet lady, you might admit a choice gentleman into your service.

Fol. O, pray away, sir!

Gum. Pusha,[858] come, come; you do but hinder your fortunes, i’faith: I have the command of all the house, I can tell you; nothing comes into th’ kitchen, but comes through my hands.

Fol. Pray do not handle me, sir.

Gum. Faith you’re too nice, lady; and as for my secrecy, you know I have vowed it often to you.

Fol. Vowed it? no, no, you men are fickle.

Gum. Fickle? ’sfoot! bind me, lady——

Fol. Why, I bind you by virtue of this chain to meet me to-morrow at the Flower-de-luce yonder, between nine and ten.

Gum. And if I do not, lady, let me lose it, thy love, and my best fortunes!

Fol. Why, now I’ll try you; go to.

Gum. Farewell, sweet lady!

[Kisses Follywit, and exit.

Fol. Welcome, sweet coxcomb! by my faith, a good induction! I perceive by his overworn phrase, and his action toward the middle region still, there has been some saucy nibbling motion; and no doubt the cunning quean waited but for her prey: and I think ’tis better bestowed upon me, for his soul’s health, and his body’s too. I’ll teach the slave to be so bold yet, as once to offer to vault into his master’s saddle, i’faith. Now, casket, by your leave:

I’ve[859] seen your outside oft, but that’s no proof;
Some have fair outsides that are nothing worth.
[Rifles the casket.

Ha! now, by my faith, a gentlewoman of very good parts; diamond, ruby, sapphire; Onyx cum prole silexque![860] if I do not wonder how the quean ’scaped tempting, I’m an hermaphrodite! sure she could lack nothing, but the devil to point to’t; and I wonder that he should be missing: well, ’tis better as it is. This is the fruit of old grunting venery; grandsire, you may thank your drab for this. O fie, in your crinkling days, grandsire, keep a courtesan, to hinder your grandchild! ’tis against nature, i’faith, and I hope you’ll be weary on’t.

Now to my villains that lurk close below:
Who keeps a harlot, tell him this from me,
He needs nor thief, disease, nor enemy. [Exit.
Enter Sir Bounteous.

Sir B. Ah, sirrah, methink I feel myself well toasted, bombasted, rubbed, and refreshed! but, i’faith, I cannot forget to think how soon sickness has altered her to my taste. I gave her a kiss at bottom o’ th’ stairs, and, by th’ mass, methought her breath had much ado to be sweet; like a thing compounded, methought, of wine, beer, and tobacco; I smelt much pudding[861] in’t.

It may be but my fancy, or her physic:
For this I know, her health gave such content,
The fault rests in her sickness, or my scent.—
How dost thou now, sweet girl? what, well recover’d?
Sickness quite gone, ha? speak—ha? wench? Frank Gullman!—

Why, body of me, what’s here? my casket wide open, broke open, my jewels stolen!—Why, Gumwater!

Re-enter Gumwater.

Gum. Anon, anon, sir.

Sir B. Come hither, Gumwater.

Gum. That were small manners, sir, i’faith: I’ll find a time anon; your worship’s busy yet.

Sir B. Why, Gumwater!

Gum. Foh, nay then you’ll make me blush, i’faith, sir——

Sir B. Where’s this creature?

Gum. What creature is’t you’d have, sir?

Sir B. The worst that ever breathes.

Gum. That’s a wild boar, sir.

Sir B. That’s a vild[862] whore, sir;—where didst thou leave her, rascal?

Gum. Who? your recreation, sir?

Sir B. My execration, sir!

Gum. Where I was wont; in your worship’s closet.

Sir B. A pox engross her! it appears too true. See you this casket, sir?

Gum. My chain, my chain, my chain! my one and only chain! [Exit.

Sir B. Thou runnest to much purpose now, Gumwater, yea! Is not a quean enough to answer for, but she must join a thief to’t? a thieving quean! nay, I have done with her, i’faith. ’Tis a sign sh’as been sick a’ late; for she’s a great deal worse than she was: by my troth, I would have pawned my life upon’t.

Did she want any thing? was she not supplied?
Nay, and liberally; for that’s an old man’s sin:
We’ll feast our lechery, though we starve our kin.
Is not my name sir Bounteous? am I not express’d there?
Ah, fie, fie, fie, fie, fie! but I perceive,
Though she have never so complete a friend,
A strumpet’s love will have a waft[863] i’ th’ end,
And distaste the vessel. I can hardly bear this;
But say, I should complain; perhaps she has pawn’d ’em—

’S foot, the judges will but laugh at it, and bid her borrow more money of ’em; make the old fellow pay for’s lechery; that’s all the mends I get. I have seen the same case tried at Newbury the last ’sizes.

Well, things must slip and sleep; I will dissemble it,
Because my credit shall not lose her lustre:
But whilst I live, I’ll neither love nor trust her.
I ha’ done, I ha’ done, I ha’ done with her, i’faith!
[Exit.

SCENE IV.

A Hall in Harebrain’s House.
Knocking within;[864] enter a Servant.

Ser. Who’s that knocks?

Pen. B. [within] A friend.

[Servant opens the door.
Enter Penitent Brothel.

Ser. What’s your will, sir?

Pen. B. Is master Harebrain[865] at home?

Ser. No, newly gone from it, sir.

Pen. B. Where’s the gentlewoman his wife?

Ser. My mistress is within, sir.

Pen. B. When came she in, I pray?

Ser. Who, my mistress? she was not out these two days, to my knowledge.

Pen. B. No? trust me, I’d thought I’d seen her. I would request a word with her.

Ser. I’ll tell her, sir.

Pen. B. I thank you. [Exit Servant.] It likes me[866] worse and worse.

Enter Mistress Harebrain.
Mis. H. Why, how now, sir? ’twas desperately adventur’d;
I little look’d for you until the morrow.
Pen. B. No?
Why what made you at my chamber then even now?
Mis. H. I at your chamber?
Pen. B. Pooh, dissemble not;
Come, come, you were there.
Mis. H. By my life, you wrong me, sir!
Pen. B. What?
Mis. H. First, you’re not ignorant what watch keeps o’er me;
And for your chamber, as I live, I know’t not.
Pen. B. Burst into sorrow then, and grief’s extremes,
Whilst I beat on this flesh!
Mis. H. What is’t disturbs you, sir?
Pen. B. Then was the devil in your likeness there.
Mis. H. Ha!
Pen. B. The very devil assum’d thee formally;[867]
That face, that voice, that gesture, that attire,
E’en as it sits on thee, not a plait alter’d;
That beaver band, the colour of that periwig,[868]
The farthingale above the navel; all
As if the fashion were his own invention.
Mis. H. Mercy, defend me!
Pen. B. To beguile me more,
The cunning Succubus told me that meeting
Was wrought ’a purpose by much wit and art;
Wept to me; laid my vows before me; urg’d me;
Gave me the private marks of all our love;
Woo’d me in wanton and effeminate rhymes,
And sung and danc’d about me like a fairy:
And had not worthier cogitations blest me,
Thy form, and his enchantments, had possess’d me.
Mis. H. What shall become of me? my own thoughts doom me.
Pen. B. Be honest, then the devil will ne’er assume thee:
He has no pleasure in that shape t’ abide
Where these two sisters reign not, lust or pride;
He as much trembles at a constant mind
As looser flesh at him: be not dismay’d;
Spring, souls, for joy! his policies are betray’d!
Forgive me, mistress Harebrain, on whose soul
The guilt hangs double,
My lust, and thy enticement! both I challenge;
And therefore of due vengeance it appear’d
To none but me, to whom both sins inher’d.
What knows the lecher, when he clips[869] his whore,
Whether it be the devil his parts adore?
They’re both so like, that, in our natural sense,
I could discern no change nor difference.
No marvel, then, times should so stretch and turn;
None for religion, all for pleasure burn.
Hot zeal into hot lust is now transform’d;
Grace into painting, charity into clothes;
Faith into false hair, and put off as often.
There’s nothing but our virtue knows a mean:
He that kept open house, now keeps a quean.
He will keep open still, that he commends;
And there he keeps a table for his friends:
And she consumes more than his[870] sire could hoard,
Being more common than his house or board.
Enter Harebrain behind.
Live honest, and live happy, keep thy vows;
She’s part a virgin whom but one man knows:
Embrace thy husband, and beside him none;
Having but one heart, give it but to one.
Mis. H. I vow it on my knees, with tears true-bred,
No man shall ever wrong my husband’s bed!
Pen. B. Rise; I’m thy friend for ever.
Har. [coming forward] And I thine
For ever and ever!—Let me embrace thee, sir,
Whom I will love even next unto my soul,
And that’s my wife.
Two dear rare gems this hour presents me with,
A wife that’s modest, and a friend that’s right:
Idle suspect and fear, now take your flight!
Pen. B. A happy inward peace crown both your joys!
Har. Thanks above utterance to you!—