Maw. We spied that weakness in him long ago, sir;
Your worship must bear with him, the man’s much o’erseen;
Only in respect of his office we obey’d him.
Both to appear conformable to law,
And clear of all offence; for I protest, sir,
He found us but a’ horseback.

Fol. What, he did?

Maw. As I have a soul, that’s all, and all he can lay to us.

Con. I’faith, you were not all riding away then?

Maw. ’S foot, being a’ horseback, sir, that must needs follow.
Fol. Why, true, sir.
Sir B. Well said, justice! he helps his kinsman well.

Fol. Why, sirrah, do you use to bring gentlemen before us for riding away? what, will you have ’em stand still when they’re up, like Smug upo’ th’ white horse yonder? are your wits steeped? I’ll make you an example for all ditch[918] constables, how they abuse justice.—Here, bind him to this chair.

Con. Ha, bind him? ho!

Fol. If you want cords, use garters.

[Mawworm, Hoboy, &c. bind the Constable.

Con. Help, help, gentlemen!

Maw. As fast as we can, sir.

Con. Thieves, thieves!

Fol. A gag will help all this: keep less noise, you knave.

Con. O help! rescue the constable; O, O!

[They gag him.

Sir B. Ho, ho, ho, ho!

Fol. Why, la, you, who lets you[919] now?
You may ride quietly; I’ll see you to
Take horse myself, I have nothing else to do.
[Exeunt Follywit, Mawworm, Hoboy, and others.

Con. O, O, O!

Sir B. Ha, ha, ha! by my troth, the maddest piece of justice, gentlemen, that ever was committed.

Har. I’ll be sworn for the madness on’t, sir.

Sir B. I am deceived, if this prove not a merry comedy and a witty.

Pen. B. Alas, poor constable! his mouth’s open, and ne’er a wise word.

Sir B. Faith, he speaks now e’en as many as he has done; he seems wisest when he gapes and says nothing. Ha, ha! he turns and tells his tale to me like an ass. What have I to do with their riding away? They may ride for me, thou whoreson coxcomb, thou! nay, thou art well enough served, i’faith.

Pen. B. But what follows all this while, sir? methinks some should pass by before this time, and pity the constable.

Sir B. By th’ mass, and you say true, sir.—Go, sirrah, step in; I think they have forgot themselves; call the knaves away; they’re in a wood, I believe.

[Exit Servant.

Con. Ay, ay, ay!

Sir B. Hark, the constable says ay, they’re in a wood: ha, ha!

Gum.[920] He thinks long of the time, sir Bounteous.

Re-enter Servant.

Sir B. How now? when come they?

Ser. Alas, an’t please your worship, there’s not one of them to be found, sir!

Sir B. How?

Har. What says the fellow?

Ser. Neither horse nor man, sir.

Sir B. Body of me! thou liest.

Ser. Not a hair of either, sir.

Har. How now, sir Bounteous?

Sir B. Cheated and defeated! Ungag that rascal; I’ll hang him for’s fellows; I’ll make him bring ’em out.

[They ungag Constable.
Con. Did not I tell your worship this before?
Brought ’em before you for suspected persons?
Stay’d ’em at town’s end upon warning given?
Made signs that my very jaw-bone aches?[921]
Your worship would not hear me; call’d me ass,
Saving your worship’s presence, laugh’d at me.

Sir B. Ha!

Har. I begin to taste it.

Sir B. Give me leave, give me leave. Why, art not thou the constable i’ th’ comedy?

Con. I’ th’ comedy? why, I am the constable i’ th’ commonwealth, sir.

Sir B. I’m[922] gull’d, i’faith, I’m gull’d! When wast thou chose?
Con. On Thursday last, sir.
Sir B. A pox go with’t! there’t goes.
Pen. B. I seldom heard jest match it.
Har. Nor I, i’faith?
Sir B. Gentlemen, shall I entreat a courtesy?
Har. What is’t, sir?
Sir B. Do not laugh at me seven year hence.
Pen. B. We should betray and laugh at our own folly then,
For, of my troth, none here but was deceiv’d in’t.

Sir B. Faith, that’s some comfort yet; ha, ha! it was featly carried; troth, I commend their wits; before our faces make us asses, while we sit still and only laugh at ourselves!

Pen. B. Faith, they were some counterfeit rogues, sir.

Sir B. Why, they confess so much themselves; they said they’d play The Slip;[923] they should be men of their words. I hope the justice will have more conscience, i’faith, than to carry away a chain of a hundred mark[924] of that fashion.

Har. What, sir?

Sir B. Ay, by my troth, sir;
Besides a jewel and a jewel’s fellow,
A good fair watch, that hung about my neck, sir.

Har. ’S foot, what did you mean, sir?

Sir B. Methinks my lord Owemuch’s players should not scorn me so, i’faith; they will come, and bring all again, I know; push,[925] they will, i’faith; but a jest, certainly.

Re-enter Follywit in his own dress, with Mawworm, Hoboy, and others.

Fol. Pray, grandsire, give me your blessing.

Sir B. Who? son Follywit? [Kneeling.

Fol. This shews like kneeling after the play;[926] I praying for my lord Owemuch and his good countess, our honourable lady and mistress.

[Aside.
Sir B. Rise, richer by a blessing; thou art welcome.
Fol. Thanks, good grandsire; I was bold to bring
Those gentlemen, my friends.
Sir B. They’re all welcome!
Salute you that side, and I’ll welcome this side.—
Sir, to begin with you.

Har. Master Follywit!

Fol. I am glad ’tis our fortune so happily to meet, sir.

Sir B. Nay, then, you know me not, sir.

Fol. Sweet mistress Harebrain!

Sir B. You cannot be too bold, sir.

Fol. Our marriage known?

Cour. Not a word yet.

Fol. The better.

Sir B. Faith, son, would you had come sooner with these gentlemen!

Fol. Why, grandsire?

Sir B. We had a play here.

Fol. A play, sir? no?

Sir B. Yes, faith! a pox a’ th’ author!

Fol. Bless us all! why, were they such vild[927] ones, sir?

Sir B. I am sure villanous ones, sir.

Fol. Some raw, simple fools!

Sir B. Nay, by th’ mass, these were enough for thievish knaves.

Fol. What, sir?

Sir B. Which way came you, gentlemen? you could not choose but meet ’em.

Fol. We met a company with hampers after ’em.

Sir B. O, those were they, those were they! A pox hamper ’em!

Fol. Bless us all again!

Sir B. They have hampered me finely, sirrah.

Fol. How,[928] sir?

Sir B. How, sir? I lent the rascals properties[929] to furnish out their play, a chain, a jewel, and a watch; and they watched their time, and rid quite away with ’em.

Fol. Are they such creatures?

Sir B. Hark, hark, gentlemen! by this light, the watch rings alarum in his pocket! there’s my watch come again, or the very cousin-german to’t: whose is’t, whose is’t? by th’ mass, ’tis he! hast thou one, son? prithee, bestow it upon thy grand-sire; I now look for mine again, i’faith: nay, come with a good will, or not at all; I’ll give thee a better thing.—A prize, a prize,[930] gentlemen!

[Draws chain, &c. out of Follywit’s pocket.

Har. Great or small?

Sir B. At once I’ve[931] drawn chain, jewel, watch, and all.

Pen. B. By my faith, you have a fortunate hand, sir!

Har. Nay, all to come at once!

Maw. A vengeance of this foolery!

Fol. Have I ’scaped the constable to be brought in by the watch?

Cour. O destiny! have I married a thief, mother?

Mot. Comfort thyself; thou art beforehand with him, daughter.

Sir B. Why, son, why, gentlemen, how long have you been my lord Owemuch his servants, i’faith?

Fol. Faith, grandsire, shall I be true to you?

Sir B. I think ’tis time; thou’st been a thief already.

Fol. I, knowing the day of your feast, and the natural inclination you have to pleasure and pastime, presumed upon your patience for a jest, as well to prolong your days as——

Sir B. Whoop! why, then, you took my chain along with you to prolong my days, did you?

Fol. Not so neither, sir;
And that you may be seriously assur’d
Of my hereafter stableness of life,
I have took another course.

Sir B. What?

Fol. Took a wife.

Sir B. A wife! ’s foot, what is she for a fool[932] would marry thee, a madman? when was the wedding kept? in Bedlam?

Fol. She’s both a gentlewoman and a virgin.

Sir B. Stop there, stop there: would I might see her!

Fol. You have your wish; she’s here.

Sir B. Ah, ha, ha, ha! this makes amends for all.

Fol. How now?

Maw. Captain, do you hear? is she your wife in earnest?

Fol. How then?

Maw. Nothing, but pity you, sir.

Sir B. Speak, son; is’t true?
Can you gull us, and let a quean gull you?
Fol. Ha!
Cour. What I have been is past; be that forgiven,
And have a soul true both to thee and heaven!
Fol. Is’t come about? tricks are repaid, I see.
Sir B. The best is, sirrah, you pledge none but me;
And since I drink the top, take her—and, hark,
I spice the bottom with a thousand mark.[933]

Fol. By my troth, she is as good a cup of nectar as any bachelor needs to sip at.

Tut, give me gold, it makes amends for vice;
Maids without coin are caudles without spice.
Sir B. Come, gentlemen, to th’ feast; let not time waste;
We’ve[934] pleas’d our ear, now let us please our taste.
Who lives by cunning, mark it, his fate’s cast;
When he has gull’d all, then is himself the last.
[Exeunt omnes.[935]
The Catch[936] for the Fifth Act, sung by Sir Bounteous Progress to his guests.
O for a bowl of fat canary,
Rich Aristippus,[937] sparkling sherry!
Some nectar else from Juno’s dairy;
O these draughts would make us merry!
O for a wench! I deal in faces,
And in other daintier things;
Tickled am I with her embraces;
Fine dancing in such fairy rings!
O for a plump, fat leg of mutton,
Veal, lamb, capon, pig, and cony!
None is happy but a glutton,
None an ass but who wants money.
Wines, indeed, and girls are good,
But brave victuals feast the blood:
For wenches, wine, and lusty cheer,
Jove would come down to surfeit here.