[Exeunt all but Sir Alex. Wengrave.
S. Alex. I wash a negro,
Losing both pains and cost: but take thy flight,
I’ll be most near thee when I’m least in sight.
Wild buck, I’ll hunt thee breathless: thou shalt run on,
But I will turn thee when I’m not thought upon.—
Enter Trapdoor with a letter.

Now, sirrah, what are you? leave your ape’s tricks, and speak.

Trap. A letter from my captain to your worship.

S. Alex. O, O, now I remember; ’tis to prefer thee into my service.

Trap. To be a shifter under your worship’s nose of a clean trencher, when there’s a good bit upon’t.

S. Alex. Troth, honest fellow—Hum—ha—let me see—

This knave shall be the axe to hew that down
At which I stumble; has a face that promiseth
Much of a villain: I will grind his wit,
And, if the edge prove fine, make use of it.[Aside.
Come hither, sirrah: canst thou be secret, ha?
Trap. As two crafty attorneys plotting the undoing
of their clients.
S. Alex. Didst never, as thou’st walk’d about this town,
Hear of a wench call’d Moll, mad, merry Moll?
Trap. Moll Cutpurse, sir?
S. Alex. The same; dost thou know her, then?
Trap. As well as I know ’twill rain upon Simon
and Jude’s day next: I will sift all the taverns
i’ th’ city, and drink half pots with all the watermen[964]
a’ th’ Bank-side, but, if you will, sir, I’ll find
her out.
S. Alex. That task is easy; do’t then: hold thy hand up.
What’s this? is’t burnt?

Trap. No, sir, no; a little singed with making fireworks.

S. Alex. There’s money, spend it; that being spent, fetch more. [Gives money.

Trap. O sir, that all the poor soldiers in England had such a leader! For fetching, no water-spaniel is like me.

S. Alex. This wench we speak of strays so from her kind,
Nature repents she made her: ’tis a mermaid
Has tol’d my son to shipwreck.

Trap. I’ll cut her comb for you.

S. Alex. I’ll tell out gold for thee, then. Hunt her forth,
Cast out a line hung full of silver hooks
To catch her to thy company: deep spendings
May draw her that’s most chaste to a man’s bosom.

Trap. The gingling of golden bells, and a good fool with a hobbyhorse, will draw all the whores i’ th’ town to dance in a morris.

S. Alex. Or rather, for that’s best (they say sometimes
She goes in breeches), follow her as her man.

Trap. And when her breeches are off, she shall follow me.

S. Alex. Beat all thy brains to serve her.

Trap. Zounds, sir, as country wenches beat cream till butter comes.

S. Alex. Play thou the subtle spider; weave fine nets
To ensnare her very life.

Trap. Her life?

S. Alex. Yes; suck
Her heart-blood, if thou canst: twist thou but cords
To catch her, I’ll find law to hang her up.

Trap. Spoke like a worshipful bencher!

S. Alex. Trace all her steps: at this she-fox’s den
Watch what lambs enter; let me play the shepherd
To save their throats from bleeding, and cut hers.

Trap. This is the goll[965] shall do’t.

S. Alex. Be firm, and gain me
Ever thine own: this done, I entertain thee.
How is thy name?

Trap. My name, sir, is Ralph Trapdoor, honest Ralph.

S. Alex. Trapdoor, be like thy name, a dangerous step
For her to venture on; but unto me——

Trap. As fast as your sole to your boot or shoe, sir.

S. Alex. Hence, then; be little seen here as thou canst;
I’ll still be at thine elbow.
Trap. The trapdoor’s set.
Moll, if you budge, you’re gone: this me shall crown;
A roaring boy[966] the roaring girl puts down.
S. Alex. God-a-mercy, lose no time. [Exeunt.

ACT II. SCENE I.

Three shops open in a rank: the first an apothecary’s shop, the next a feather-shop, the third a sempster’s shop; Mistress Gallipot in the first, Mistress Tiltyard in the next, Openwork and Mistress Openwork in the third.

Enter Laxton, Goshawk, and Greenwit.

Mis. Open. Gentlemen, what is’t you lack?[967] what is’t you buy? see fine bands and ruffs, fine lawns, fine cambrics: what is’t you lack, gentlemen? what is’t you buy?

Lax. Yonder’s the shop.

Gos. Is that she?

Lax. Peace.

Green. She that minces tobacco?[968]

Lax. Ay; she’s a gentlewoman born, I can tell you, though it be her hard fortune now to shred Indian pot-herbs.

Gos. O sir, ’tis many a good woman’s fortune, when her husband turns bankrout,[969] to begin with pipes and set up again.

Lax. And, indeed, the raising of the woman is the lifting up of the man’s head at all times; if one flourish, t’other will bud as fast, I warrant ye.

Gos. Come, thou’rt familiarly acquainted there, I grope that.

Lax. And[970] you grope no better i’ th’ dark, you may chance lie i’ th’ ditch when you’re drunk.

Gos. Go, thou’rt a mystical lecher!

Lax. I will not deny but my credit may take up an ounce of pure smoke.

Gos. May take up an ell of pure smock! away, go! ’Tis the closest striker![971] life, I think he commits venery forty foot deep; no man’s aware on’t. I, like a palpable smockster, go to work so openly with the tricks of art, that I’m as apparently seen as a naked boy in a phial;[972] and were it not for a gift of treachery that I have in me, to betray my friend when he puts most trust in me—mass, yonder he is too!—and by his injury to make good my access to her, I should appear as defective in courting as a farmer’s son the first day of his feather, that doth nothing at court but woo the hangings and glass windows for a month together, and some broken waiting-woman for ever after. I find those imperfections in my venery, that were’t not for flattery and falsehood, I should want discourse and impudence; and he that wants impudence among women is worthy to be kicked out at bed’s feet. He shall not see me yet. [Aside.

Green. Troth, this is finely shred.

Lax. O, women are the best mincers.

Mis. G. ’Thad been a good phrase for a cook’s wife, sir.

Lax. But ’twill serve generally, like the front of a new almanac, as thus:—calculated for the meridian of cooks’ wives, but generally for all Englishwomen.

Mis. G. Nay, you shall ha’t, sir; I have filled it for you. [She puts it to the fire.

Lax. The pipe’s in a good hand, and I wish mine always so.

Green. But not to be used a’ that fashion.

Lax. O, pardon me, sir, I understand no French. I pray, be covered. Jack, a pipe of rich smoke!

Gos. Rich smoke? that’s sixpence a pipe, is’t?

Green. To me, sweet lady.

Mis. G. Be not forgetful; respect my credit; seem strange: art and wit make[973] a fool of suspicion; pray, be wary.

Lax. Push![974] I warrant you.—Come, how is’t, gallants?

Green. Pure and excellent.

Lax. I thought ’twas good, you were grown so silent: you are like those that love not to talk at victuals, though they make a worse noise i’ th’ nose than a common fiddler’s ’prentice, and discourse a whole supper with snuffling.—I must speak a word with you anon.

Mis. G. Make your way wisely, then.

Gos. O, what else, sir? he’s perfection itself; full of manners, but not an acre of ground belonging to ’em.

Green. Ay, and full of form; has ne’er a good stool in’s chamber.

Gos. But above all, religious; he preyeth daily upon elder brothers.

Green. And valiant above measure; has run three streets from a sergeant.

Lax. Puh, puh. [He blows tobacco in their faces.

Green. O, puh!

Gos. Ho, ho!

Lax. So, so.

Mis. G. What’s the matter now, sir?

Lax. I protest I’m in extreme want of money; if you can supply me now with any means, you do me the greatest pleasure, next to the bounty of your love, as ever poor gentleman tasted.

Mis. G. What’s the sum would pleasure ye, sir? though you deserve nothing less at my hands.

Lax. Why, ’tis but for want of opportunity, thou knowest.—I put her off with opportunity still: by this light, I hate her, but for means to keep me in fashion with gallants; for what I take from her, I spend upon other wenches; bear her in hand[975] still: she has wit enough to rob her husband, and I ways enough to consume the money. [Aside.]—Why, how now? what, the chincough?

Gos. Thou hast the cowardliest trick to come before a man’s face, and strangle him ere he be aware! I could find in my heart to make a quarrel in earnest.

Lax. Pox, and[976] thou dost—thou knowest I never use to fight with my friends—thou’ll but lose thy labour in’t.—Jack Dapper!

Enter Jack Dapper and Gull.

Green. Monsieur Dapper, I dive down to your ancles.

J. Dap. Save ye, gentlemen, all three in a peculiar salute.

Gos. He were ill to make a lawyer; he despatches three at once.

Lax. So, well said.—But is this[977] of the same tobacco, mistress Gallipot?

Mis. G. The same you had at first, sir.

Lax. I wish it no better: this will serve to drink[978] at my chamber.

Gos. Shall we taste a pipe on’t?

Lax. Not of this, by my troth, gentlemen, I have sworn before you.

Gos. What, not Jack Dapper?

Lax. Pardon me, sweet Jack; I’m sorry I made such a rash oath, but foolish oaths must stand: where art going, Jack?

J. Dap. Faith, to buy one feather.

Lax. One feather? the fool’s peculiar still.

[Aside.

J. Dap. Gull.

Gull. Master?

J. Dap. Here’s three halfpence for your ordinary, boy; meet me an hour hence in Paul’s.[979]

Gull. How? three single halfpence? life, this will scarce serve a man in sauce, a halp’orth of mustard, a halp’orth of oil, and a halp’orth of vinegar,—what’s left then for the pickle herring? This shews like small beer i’ th’ morning after a great surfeit of wine o’ernight: he could spend his three pound last night in a supper amongst girls and brave bawdyhouse boys: I thought his pockets cackled not for nothing: these are the eggs of three pound, I’ll go sup ’em up presently.

[Aside, and exit.

Lax. Eight, nine, ten angels:[980] good wench, i’faith, and one that loves darkness well; she puts out a candle with the best tricks of any drugster’s wife in England: but that which mads her, I rail upon opportunity still, and take no notice on’t. The other night she would needs lead me into a room with a candle in her hand to shew me a naked picture, where no sooner entered, but the candle was sent of an errand: now, I not intending to understand her, but, like a puny at the inns of venery, called for another light innocently; thus reward I all her cunning with simple mistaking. I know she cozens her husband to keep me, and I’ll keep her honest as long as I can, to make the poor man some part of amends. An honest mind of a whoremaster! how think you amongst you? What, a fresh pipe? draw in a third man?

Gos. No, you’re a hoarder, you engross by th’ ounces.
[At the feather-shop.
J. Dap. Pooh, I like it not.
Mis. T. What feather is’t you’d have, sir?
These are most worn and most in fashion:
Amongst the beaver gallants, the stone riders,
The private stage’s audience, the twelvepenny-stool gentlemen,[981]
I can inform you ’tis the general feather.
J. Dap. And therefore I mislike it: tell me of general!
Now, a continual Simon and Jude’s rain
Beat all your feathers as flat down as pancakes!
Shew me—a—spangled feather.
Mis. T. O, to go a-feasting with;
You’d have it for a hench-boy,[982] you shall.
[At the sempster’s shop.
Open. Mass, I had quite forgot!
His honour’s footman was here last night, wife;
Ha’ you done with my lord’s shirt?
Mis. O. What’s that to you, sir?
I was this morning at his honour’s lodging,
Ere such a snake as you crept out of your shell.
Open. O, ’twas well done, good wife!
Mis. O. I hold it better, sir,
Than if you had done’t yourself.
Open. Nay, so say I:
But is the countess’s smock almost done, mouse?[983]
Mis. O. Here lies the cambric, sir; but wants, I fear me.
Open. I’ll resolve[984] you of that presently.
Mis. O. Heyday! O audacious groom!
Dare you presume to noble women’s linen?
Keep you your yard to measure shepherds’ holland:
I must confine you, I see that.
[At the tobacco-shop.
Gos. What say you to this gear?[985]
Lax. I dare the arrant’st critic in tobacco
To lay one fault upon’t.
Enter Moll in a frieze jerkin and a black saveguard.[986]

Gos. Life, yonder’s Moll!

Lax. Moll! which Moll?

Gos. Honest Moll.

Lax. Prithee, let’s call her.—Moll!

Gos. Moll, Moll!

Green. Pist, Moll![987]

Moll. How now? what’s the matter?

Gos. A pipe of good tobacco, Moll?

Moll. I cannot stay.

Gos. Nay, Moll, pooh, prithee, hark; but one word, i’faith.

Moll. Well, what is’t?

Green. Prithee, come hither, sirrah.

Lax. Heart, I would give but too much money to be nibbling with that wench! life, sh’as the spirit of four great parishes, and a voice that will drown all the city! Methinks a brave captain might get all his soldiers upon her, and ne’er be beholding[988] to a company of Mile-end milksops, if he could come on and come off quick enough: such a Moll were a marrow-bone before an Italian; he would cry buona roba[989] till his ribs were nothing but bone. I’ll lay hard siege to her: money is that aquafortis that eats into many a maidenhead; where the walls are flesh and blood, I’ll ever pierce through with a golden augre. [Aside.

Gos. Now, thy judgment, Moll? is’t not good?

Moll. Yes, faith, ’tis very good tobacco.—How do you sell an ounce?—Farewell.—God b’i’ you, mistress Gallipot.

Gos. Why, Moll, Moll!

Moll. I cannot stay now, i’faith: I am going to buy a shag-ruff; the shop will be shut in presently.

Gos. ’Tis the maddest fantasticalest girl! I never knew so much flesh and so much nimbleness put together.

Lax. She slips from one company to another, like a fat eel between a Dutchman’s fingers.—I’ll watch my time for her. [Aside.

Mis. G. Some will not stick to say she is a man,
And some, both man and woman.

f Lax. That were excellent: she might first cuckold the husband, and then make him do as much for the wife.

[At the feather-shop.

Moll. Save you; how does mistress Tiltyard?

J. Dap. Moll!

Moll. Jack Dapper!

J. Dap. How dost, Moll?

Moll. I’ll tell thee by and by; I go but to th’ next shop.

J. Dap. Thou shalt find me here this hour about a feather.

Moll. Nay, and[990] a feather hold you in play a whole hour, a goose will last you all the days of your life.—Let me see a good shag-ruff. [At the sempster’s shop.

Open. Mistress Mary, that shalt thou, i’faith, and the best in the shop.

Mis. O. How now? greetings! love-terms, with a pox, between you! have I found out one of your haunts? I send you for hollands, and you’re i’ th’ low countries, with a mischief. I’m served with good ware by th’ shift; that makes it lie dead so long upon my hands: I were as good shut up shop, for when I open it I take nothing.

Open. Nay, and you fall a-ringing once, the devil cannot stop you.—I’ll out of the belfry as fast as I can, Moll.

[Retires.

Mis. O. Get you from my shop!

Moll. I come to buy.

Mis. O. I’ll sell ye nothing; I warn ye my house and shop.

Moll. You, goody Openwork, you that prick out a poor living,
And sew[991] many a bawdy skin-coat together;
Thou private pandress between shirt and smock;
I wish thee for a minute but a man,
Thou shouldst ne’er use more shapes; but as thou art,
I pity my revenge. Now my spleen’s up,
I would not mock it willingly.—
Enter a Fellow, with a long rapier by his side.
Ha! be thankful;
Now I forgive thee.

Mis. O. Marry, hang thee, I never asked forgiveness in my life.

Moll. You, goodman swine’s face!

Fel. What, will you murder me?

Moll. You remember, slave, how you abused me t’other night in a tavern.

Fel. Not I, by this light!

Moll. No, but by candle-light you did: you have tricks to save your oaths; reservations have you? and I have reserved somewhat for you [strikes him]. As you like that, call for more; you know the sign again.

Fel. Pox on’t, had I brought any company along with me to have borne witness on’t, ’twould ne’er have grieved me; but to be struck and nobody by, ’tis my ill fortune still. Why, tread upon a worm, they say ’twill turn tail; but indeed a gentleman should have more manners.

[Aside, and exit.

Lax. Gallantly performed, i’faith, Moll, and manfully! I love thee for ever for’t: base rogue, had he offered but the least counter-buff, by this hand, I was prepared for him!

Moll. You prepared for him? why should you be prepared for him? was he any more than a man?

Lax. No, nor so much by a yard and a handful, London measure.

Moll. Why do you speak this then? do you think I cannot ride a stone-horse, unless one lead him by th’ snaffle?

Lax. Yes, and sit him bravely; I know thou canst, Moll: ’twas but an honest mistake through love, and I’ll make amends for’t any way. Prithee, sweet, plump Moll, when shall thou and I go out a’ town together?

Moll. Whither? to Tyburn, prithee?

Lax. Mass, that’s out a’ town indeed: thou hangest so many jests upon thy friends still! I mean honestly to Brainford,[992] Staines, or Ware.

Moll. What to do there?

Lax. Nothing but be merry and lie together: I’ll hire a coach with four horses.

Moll. I thought ’twould be a beastly journey. You may leave out one well; three horses will serve, if I play the jade myself.

Lax. Nay, push,[993] thou’rt such another kicking wench! Prithee, be kind, and let’s meet.

Moll. ’Tis hard but we shall meet, sir.

Lax. Nay, but appoint the place then; there’s ten angels[994] in fair gold, Moll: you see I do not trifle with you; do but say thou wilt meet me, and I’ll have a coach ready for thee.

Moll. Why, here’s my hand, I’ll meet you, sir.

Lax. O good gold! [Aside.]—The place, sweet Moll?

Moll. It shall be your appointment.

Lax. Somewhat near Holborn, Moll.

Moll. In Gray’s-Inn-Fields then.

Lax. A match.

Moll. I’ll meet you there.

Lax. The hour?

Moll. Three.

Lax. That will be time enough to sup at Brainford.

Open. I am of such a nature, sir, I cannot endure the house when she scolds: sh’as a tongue will be heard further in a still morning than Saint Antling’s bell.[995] She rails upon me for foreign wenching, that I being a freeman must needs keep a whore i’ th’ suburbs, and seek to impoverish the liberties. When we fall out, I trouble you still to make all whole with my wife.

Gos. No trouble at all; ’tis a pleasure to me to join things together.

Open. Go thy ways, I do this but to try thy honesty, Goshawk. [Aside.]

[At the feather-shop.

J. Dap. How likest thou this, Moll?

Moll. O, singularly; you’re fitted now for a bunch.—He looks for all the world, with those spangled feathers, like a nobleman’s bed-post. The purity of your wench would I fain try; she seems like Kent unconquered, and, I believe, as many wiles are in her. O, the gallants of these times are shallow lechers! they put not their courtship home enough to a wench: ’tis impossible to know what woman is throughly honest, because she’s ne’er thoroughly tried; I am of that certain belief, there are more queans in this town of their own making than of any man’s provoking: where lies the slackness then? many a poor soul would down, and there’s nobody will push ’em:

Women are courted, but ne’er soundly tried,
As many walk in spurs that never ride. [Aside.
[At the sempster’s shop.

Mis. O. O, abominable!

Gos. Nay, more, I tell you in private, he keeps a whore i’ th’ suburbs.

Mis. O. O spittle[996] dealing! I came to him a gentlewoman born: I’ll shew you mine arms when you please, sir.

Gos. I had rather see your legs, and begin that way.

[Aside.

Mis. O. ’Tis well known he took me from a lady’s service, where I was well beloved of the steward: I had my Latin tongue, and a spice of the French, before I came to him; and now doth he keep a suburbian whore under my nostrils?

Gos. There’s ways enough to cry quit with him: hark in thine ear. [Whispers her.

Mis. O. There’s a friend worth a million!

Moll. I’ll try one spear against your chastity, mistress Tiltyard, though it prove too short by the burgh.[997]

[Aside.
Enter Trapdoor.

Trap. Mass, here she is: I’m bound already to serve her, though it be but a sluttish trick. [Aside.]—Bless my hopeful young mistress with long life and great limbs; send her the upper hand of all bailiffs and their hungry adherents!

Moll. How now? what art thou?

Trap. A poor ebbing gentleman, that would gladly wait for the young flood of your service.

Moll. My service? what should move you to offer your service to me, sir?

Trap. The love I bear to your heroic spirit and masculine womanhood.

Moll. So, sir! put case we should retain you to us, what parts are there in you for a gentlewoman’s service?

Trap. Of two kinds, right worshipful; moveable and immoveable—moveable to run of errands, and immoveable to stand when you have occasion to use me.

Moll. What strength have you?

Trap. Strength, mistress Moll? I have gone up into a steeple, and stayed the great bell as’t has been ringing; stopt a windmill going——

Moll. And never struck down yourself?

Trap. Stood as upright as I do at this present.

[Moll trips up his heels.

Moll. Come, I pardon you for this; it shall be no disgrace to you: I have struck up the heels of the high German’s size'[998] ere now. What, not stand?

Trap. I am of that nature, where I love, I’ll be at my mistress’ foot to do her service.

Moll. Why, well said; but say your mistress should receive injury, have you the spirit of fighting in you? durst you second her?

Trap. Life, I have kept a bridge myself, and drove seven at a time before me!

Moll. Ay?

Trap. But they were all Lincolnshire bullocks, by my troth. [Aside.

Moll. Well, meet me in Gray’s Inn Fields between three and four this afternoon, and, upon better consideration, we’ll retain you.

Trap. I humbly thank your good mistresship.—I’ll crack your neck for this kindness. [Aside, & exit.

Lax. Remember three. [Moll meets Laxton, and

Moll. Nay, if I fail you, hang me.

Lax. Good wench, i’faith!

Moll. Who’s this? [then Openwork.

Open. ’Tis I, Moll.

Moll. Prithee, tend thy shop and prevent bastards.

Open. We’ll have a pint of the same wine,[999] i’faith, Moll. [Exit with Moll.] [Bell rings.

Gos. Hark, the bell rings! come, gentlemen. Jack Dapper, where shall’s all munch?

J. Dap. I am for Parker’s ordinary.

Lax. He’s a good guest to’m, he deserves his board; he draws all the gentlemen in a term-time thither. We’ll be your followers, Jack; lead the way.—Look you, by my faith, the fool has feathered his nest well.