[Aside to Gent.
Sec. G. And for his uncle——
Hoa. Let that come to me.
His uncle[’s] a severe extortioner;
A tyrant at a forfeiture; greedy of others’
Miseries; one that would undo his brother,
Nay, swallow up his father, if he can,
Within the fathoms of his conscience.
First G. Nay, believe it, widow,
You had not only match’d yourself to wants,
But in an evil and unnatural stock.
Hoa. Follow hard, gentlemen, follow hard.
Court. Is my love so deceiv’d? Before you all
I do renounce him; on my knees I vow [Kneeling.
He ne’er shall marry me.
Wit. [looking in] Heaven knows he never meant it! [Aside.
Hoa. There, take her at the bound. [Aside to Gent.
First G. Then, with a new and pure affection
Behold yon gentleman; grave, kind, and rich,
A match worthy yourself: esteeming him,
You do regard your state.
Hoa. I’ll make her a jointure, say. [Aside to Gent.
First G. He can join land to land, and will possess you
Of what you can desire.
Sec. G. Come, widow, come.
Court. The world is so deceitful!
First G. There ’tis deceitful,
Where flattery, want, and imperfection lie;
[71]But none of these in him: push!
[72]Court. Pray, sir——
First G. Come, you widows are ever most backward
when you should do yourselves most good;
but were it to marry a chin not worth a hair now,
then you would be forward enough. Come, clap
hands, a match.
Hoa. With all my heart, widow. [Hoard and Courtesan shake hands.]—Thanks, gentlemen:
I will deserve your labour, and [to Courtesan] thy love.
Court. Alas, you love not widows but for wealth!
I promise you I ha’ nothing, sir.
Hoa. Well said, widow,
Well said; thy love is all I seek, before
These gentlemen.
Court. Now I must hope the best.
Hoa. My joys are such they want to be express’d.
Court. But, master Hoard, one thing I must
remember you of, before these gentlemen, your
friends: how shall I suddenly avoid the loathed
soliciting of that perjured Witgood, and his tedious,
dissembling uncle? who this very day hath appointed
a meeting for the same purpose too;
where, had not truth come forth, I had been
undone, utterly undone!
Hoa. What think you of that, gentlemen?
First G. ’Twas well devised.
Hoa. Hark thee, widow: train out young Witgood
single; hasten him thither with thee, somewhat
before the hour; where, at the place appointed,
these gentlemen and myself will wait the opportunity,
when, by some slight[73] removing him from
thee, we’ll suddenly enter and surprise thee, carry
thee away by boat to Cole-Harbour,[74] have a priest
ready, and there clap it up instantly. How likest
it, widow?
Court. In that it pleaseth you, it likes[75] me well.
Hoa. I’ll kiss thee for those words. [Kisses her.]—Come, gentlemen,
Still must I live a suitor to your favours,
Still to your aid beholding.
[76]First G. We’re engag’d, sir;
’Tis for our credits now to see’t well ended.
Hoa. ’Tis for your honours, gentlemen; nay, look to’t.
Not only in joy, but I in wealth excel:
No more sweet widow, but, sweet wife, farewell.
Court. Farewell, sir.
[Exeunt Hoard and Gentlemen.
Wit. O for more scope! I could laugh eternally!
Give you joy, mistress Hoard, I promise
your fortune was good, forsooth; you’ve fell upon
wealth enough, and there’s young gentlemen enow
can help you to the rest. Now it requires our
wits: carry thyself but heedfully now, and we are
both——
Host. Master Witgood, your uncle.
Wit. Cuds me! remove thyself awhile; I’ll
serve for him.
[Exeunt Courtesan and Host.
Luc. Nephew, good morrow, nephew.
Wit. The same to you, kind uncle.
Luc. How fares the widow? does the meeting hold?
Wit. O, no question of that, sir.
Luc. I’ll strike the stroke, then, for thee; no more days.
[77]
Wit. The sooner the better, uncle. O, she’s
mightily followed!
Luc. And yet so little rumoured!
Wit. Mightily: here comes one old gentleman,
and he’ll make her a jointure of three hundred a-year,
forsooth; another wealthy suitor will estate
his son in his lifetime, and make him weigh down
the widow; here a merchant’s son will possess
her with no less than three goodly lordships at
once, which were all pawns to his father.
Luc. Peace, nephew, let me hear no more of
’em; it mads me. Thou shalt prevent[78] ’em all.
No words to the widow of my coming hither. Let
me see—’tis now upon nine: before twelve, nephew,
we will have the bargain struck, we will,
faith, boy.
Wit. O, my precious uncle! [Exeunt.
SCENE II.
Hoa. Niece, sweet niece, prithee, have a care to
my house; I leave all to thy discretion. Be content
to dream awhile; I’ll have a husband for thee
shortly: put that care upon me, wench, for in
choosing wives and husbands I am only fortunate;
I have that gift given me.
[Exit.
Joy. But ’tis not likely you should choose for me,
Since nephew to your chiefest enemy
Is he whom I affect: but, O, forgetful!
Why dost thou flatter thy affections so,
With name of him that for a widow’s bed
Neglects thy purer love? Can it be so,
Or does report dissemble?
How now, sir?
Geo. A letter, with which came a private charge.
Joy. Therein I thank your care. [Exit George.]—I know this hand—
[Reads] Dearer than sight, what the world reports of
me, yet believe not; rumour will alter shortly: be
thou constant; I am still the same that I was in love,
and I hope to be the same in fortunes.
Theodorus Witgood.
I am resolv’d:
[79] no more shall fear or doubt
Raise their pale powers to keep affection out. [Exit.
SCENE III.
Enter Hoard,
Gentlemen,[80] and Drawer.
Dra. You’re very welcome, gentlemen.—Dick,
shew those gentlemen the Pomegranate there.
Hoa. Hist!
Dra. Up those stairs, gentlemen.
Hoa. Hist, drawer!
Dra. Anon, sir.
Hoa. Prithee, ask at the bar if a gentlewoman
came not in lately.
Dra. William, at the bar, did you see any gentlewoman
come in lately? Speak you ay, speak
you no.
[Within.] No, none came in yet but mistress
Florence.
Dra. He says none came in yet, sir, but one
mistress Florence.
Hoa. What is that Florence? a widow?
Dra. Yes, a Dutch widow.[81]
Hoa. How?
Dra. That’s an English drab, sir: give your
worship good morrow. [Exit.
Hoa. A merry knave, i’faith! I shall remember
a Dutch widow the longest day of my life.
First G. Did not I use most art to win the widow?
Sec. G. You shall pardon me for that, sir; master
Hoard knows I took her at best ’vantage.
Hoa. What’s that, sweet gentlemen, what’s that?
Sec. G. He will needs bear me down, that his
art only wrought with the widow most.
Hoa. O, you did both well, gentlemen, you did
both well, I thank you.
First G. I was the first that moved her.
Hoa. You were, i’faith.
Sec. G. But it was I that took her at the bound.
Hoa. Ay, that was you: faith, gentlemen, ’tis right.
Third G. I boasted least, but ’twas I join’d their hands.
Hoa. By th’ mass, I think he did: you did all well,
Gentlemen, you did all well; contend no more.
First G. Come, yon room’s fittest.
Hoa. True, ’tis next the door. [Exeunt.
Enter Witgood, Courtesan, Host, and Drawer.
Dra. You’re very welcome: please you to walk
up stairs; cloth’s laid, sir.
Court. Up stairs? troth, I am very[82] weary,
master Witgood.
Wit. Rest yourself here awhile, widow; we’ll
have a cup of muscadine in this little room.
Dra. A cup of muscadine? You shall have the
best, sir.
Wit. But, do you hear, sirrah?
Dra. Do you call? anon, sir.
Wit. What is there provided for dinner?
Dra. I cannot readily tell you, sir: if you
please you may go into the kitchen and see yourself,
sir; many gentlemen of worship do use to do
it, I assure you, sir.
[Exit.
Host. A pretty familiar, prigging[83] rascal; he
has his part without book.
Wit. Against you are ready to drink to me,
widow, I’ll be present to pledge you.
Court. Nay, I commend your care, ’tis done
well of you. [Exit Witgood.]—’Las,[84] what have
I forgot!
Host. What, mistress?
Court. I slipt my wedding-ring off when I
washed, and left it at my lodging: prithee, run; I
shall be sad without it. [Exit Host.]—So, he’s
gone. Boy.
Boy. Anon, forsooth.
Court. Come hither, sirrah; learn secretly if
one master Hoard, an ancient gentleman, be about
house.
Boy. I heard such a one named.
Court. Commend me to him.
Re-enter Hoard and Gentlemen.
Hoa. Ay, boy,
[85] do thy commendations.
Court. O, you come well: away, to boat, begone.
Hoa. Thus wise men are reveng’d, give two for one. [Exeunt.
Re-enter Witgood and Vintner.
Wit. I must request
You, sir, to shew extraordinary care:
My uncle comes with gentlemen, his friends,
And ’tis upon a making.
[86]Vin. Is it so?
I’ll give a special charge, good master Witgood.
May I be bold to see her?
Wit. Who? [t]he widow?
With all my heart, i’faith, I’ll bring you to her.
Vin. If she be a Staffordshire gentlewoman, ’tis
much if I know her not.
Wit. How now? boy! drawer!
Vin. Hie!
Boy. Do you call, sir?
Wit. Went the gentlewoman up that was here?
Boy. Up, sir? she went out, sir.
Wit. Out, sir?
Boy. Out, sir: one master Hoard, with a guard
of gentlemen, carried her out at back door, a pretty
while since, sir.
Wit. Hoard? death and darkness! Hoard?
Host. The devil of ring I can find.
Wit. How now? what news? where’s the widow?
Host. My mistress? is she not here, sir?
Wit. More madness yet!
Host. She sent me for a ring.
Wit. A plot, a plot!—To boat! she’s stole away.
Host. What?
Enter Lucre and Gentlemen.
Wit. Follow! inquire old Hoard, my uncle’s adversary.
[Exit Host.
Luc. Nephew, what’s that?
Wit. Thrice-miserable wretch!
Luc. Why, what’s the matter?
Vin. The widow’s borne away, sir.
Luc. Ha? passion of me!—A heavy welcome, gentlemen.
First G. The widow gone?
Luc. Who durst attempt it?
Wit. Who but old Hoard, my uncle’s adversary?
Luc. How!
Wit. With his confederates.
Luc. Hoard, my deadly enemy?—Gentlemen, stand to me,
I will not bear it; ’tis in hate of me;
That villain seeks my shame, nay, thirsts my blood;
He owes me mortal malice.
I’ll spend my wealth on this despiteful plot,
Ere he shall cross me and my nephew thus.
Wit. So maliciously!
Luc. How now, you treacherous rascal?
Host. That’s none of my name, sir.
Wit. Poor soul, he knew not on’t!
Luc. I’m sorry. I see then ’twas a mere plot.
Host. I trac’d ’em nearly——
Host. And hear for certain
They have took Cole-Harbour.
[88]Luc. The devil’s sanctuary!
They shall not rest; I’ll pluck her from his arms.—
Kind and dear gentlemen,
If ever I had seat within your breasts——
First G. No more, good sir; it is a wrong to us
To see you injur’d: in a cause so just
We’ll spend our lives but we will right our friends.
Luc. Honest and kind! come, we’ve
[89] delay’d too long:
Nephew, take comfort; a just cause is strong.
Wit. That’s all my comfort, uncle. [Exeunt all
but Witgood.] Ha, ha, ha!
Now may events fall luckily and well:
He that ne’er strives, says wit, shall ne’er excel.
[Exit.
SCENE IV.
A Room in Dampit’s House.
Dam. When did I say my prayers? In anno
88, when the great armada was coming; and in
anno 89,[90] when the great thundering and lightning
was, I prayed heartily then, i’faith, to overthrow
Poovies’ new buildings; I kneeled by my great
iron chest, I remember.
Aud. Master Dampit, one may hear you before
they see you: you keep sweet hours, master Dampit;
we were all a-bed three hours ago.
Dam. Audrey?
Aud. O, you’re a fine gentleman!
Dam. So I am, i’faith, and a fine scholar: do
you use to go to bed so early, Audrey?
Aud. Call you this early, master Dampit?
Dam. Why, is’t not one of clock i’ th’ morning?
is not that early enough? fetch me a glass of fresh
beer.
Aud. Here, I have warmed your nightcap for
you, master Dampit.
Dam. Draw it on then. I am very weak truly:
I have not eaten so much as the bulk of an egg
these three days.
Aud. You have drunk the more, master Dampit.
Dam. What’s that?
Aud. You mought, and[91] you would, master
Dampit.
Dam. I answer you, I cannot: hold your
prating; you prate too much, and understand
too little: are you answered? Give me a glass
of beer.
Aud. May I ask you how you do, master
Dampit?
Dam. How do I? i’faith, naught.
Aud. I ne’er knew you do otherwise.
Dam. I eat not one pen’north of bread these two
years.[92] Give me a glass of fresh beer. I am not
sick, nor I am not well.
Aud. Take this warm napkin about your neck,
sir, whilst I help to make you unready.[93]
Dam. How now, Audrey-prater, with your scurvy
devices, what say you now?
Aud. What say I, master Dampit? I say nothing,
but that you are very weak.
Dam. Faith, thou hast more cony-catching[94] devices
than all London.
Aud. Why, master Dampit, I never deceived you
in all my life.
Dam. Why was that? because I never did trust thee.
Aud. I care not what you say, master Dampit.
Dam. Hold thy prating: I answer thee, thou
art a beggar, a quean, and a bawd: are you answered?
Aud. Fie, master Dampit! a gentleman, and
have such words?
Dam. Why, thou base drudge of infortunity,
thou kitchen-stuff-drab of beggary, roguery, and
cockscombry, thou cavernesed quean of foolery,
knavery, and bawdreaminy, I’ll tell thee what, I
will not give a louse for thy fortunes.
Aud. No, master Dampit? and there’s a gentleman
comes a-wooing to me, and he doubts[95] nothing
but that you will get me from him.
Dam. I? If I would either have thee or lie with
thee for two thousand pound, would I might be
damned! why, thou base, impudent quean of foolery,
flattery, and coxcombry, are you answered?
Aud. Come, will you rise and go to bed, sir?
Damp. Rise, and go to bed too, Audrey? How
does mistress Proserpine?
Aud. Fooh!
Dam. She’s as fine a philosopher of a stinkard’s
wife, as any within the liberties. Faugh, faugh,
Audrey!
Aud. How now, master Dampit?
Dam. Fie upon’t, what a choice of stinks here
is! what hast thou done, Audrey? fie upon’t, here’s
a choice of stinks indeed! Give me a glass of fresh
beer, and then I will to bed.
Aud. It waits for you above, sir.
Dam. Foh! I think they burn horns in Barnard’s
Inn. If ever I smelt such an abominable
stink, usury forsake me. [Exit.
Aud. They be the stinking nails of his trampling
feet, and he talks of burning of horns. [Exit.
ACT IV. SCENE I.
An Apartment at Cole-Harbour.[96]
Enter Hoard, Courtesan, Lamprey, Spichcock, and Gentlemen.
First G. Join hearts, join hands,
In wedlock’s bands,
Never to part
Till death cleave your heart.
[To Hoard] You shall forsake all other women;
[To Courtesan] You lords, knights, gentlemen, and yeomen.
What my tongue slips
Make up with your lips.
Hoa. [kisses her] Give you joy, mistress Hoard: let the kiss come about. [Knocking.
Who knocks? Convey my little pig-eater
[97] out.
Luc. [within] Hoard!
Hoa. Upon my life, my adversary, gentlemen!
Luc. [within] Hoard, open the door, or we will force it ope:
Give us the widow.
Hoa. Gentlemen, keep ’em out.
Lam. He comes upon his death that enters here.
ᚠLuc. [within] My friends, assist me!
Hoa. He has assistants, gentlemen.
Lam. Tut, nor him nor them we in this action fear.
Luc. [within] Shall I, in peace, speak one word with the widow?
Court. Husband, and gentlemen, hear me but a word.
Hoa. Freely, sweet wife.
Court. Let him in peaceably;
You know we’re sure from any act of his.
Hoa. Most true.
Court.[98] You may stand by and smile at his old weakness:
Let me alone to answer him.
Hoa. Content;
’Twill be good mirth, i’faith. How think you, gentlemen?
Lam. Good gullery!
Hoa. Upon calm conditions let him in.
Luc. [within] All spite and malice!
Lam. Hear me, master Lucre:
So you will vow a peaceful entrance
With those your friends, and only exercise
Calm conference with the widow, without fury,
The passage shall receive you.
Luc. [within] I do vow it.
Lam. Then enter and talk freely: here she stands.
Enter Lucre, Gentlemen, and Host.
Luc. O, master Hoard, your spite has watch’d the hour!
You’re excellent at vengeance, master Hoard.
Hoa. Ha, ha, ha!
Luc. I am the fool you laugh at:
You are wise, sir, and know the seasons well.—
Come hither, widow: why is it thus?
O, you have done me infinite disgrace,
And your own credit no small injury!
Suffer mine enemy so despitefully
To bear you from my nephew? O, I had
Rather half my substance had been forfeit
And begg’d by some starv’d rascal!
Court. Why, what would you wish me do, sir?
I must not overthrow my state for love:
We have too many precedents for that;
From thousands of our wealthy undone widows
One may derive some wit. I do confess
I lov’d your nephew, nay, I did affect him
Against the mind and liking of my friends;
[99]Believ’d his promises; lay here in hope
Of flatter’d living, and the boast of lands:
Coming to touch his wealth and state, indeed,
It appears dross; I find him not the man;
Imperfect, mean, scarce furnish’d of his needs;
In words, fair lordships; in performance, hovels:
Can any woman love the thing that is not?
Luc. Broke you for this?
Court. Was it not cause too much?
Send to inquire his state: most part of it
Lay two years mortgag’d in his uncle’s hands.
Luc. Why, say it did, you might have known my mind:
I could have soon restor’d it.
Court. Ay, had I but seen any such thing perform’d,
Why, ’twould have tied my affection, and contain’d
Me in my first desires: do you think, i’faith,
That I could twine such a dry oak as this,
Had promise in your nephew took effect?
Luc. Why, and there’s no time past; and rather than
My adversary should thus thwart my hopes,
I would——
Court. Tut, you’ve been ever full of golden speech:
If words were lands, your nephew would be rich.
Luc. Widow, believe’t,
[100] I vow by my best bliss,
Before these gentlemen, I will give in
The mortgage to my nephew instantly,
Before I sleep or eat.
First G. [friend to Lucre] We’ll pawn our credits,
Widow, what he speaks shall be perform’d
In fulness.
Luc. Nay, more; I will estate him
In farther blessings; he shall be my heir;
I’ll bind myself to that condition.
Court. When I shall hear this done, I shall soon yield
To reasonable terms.
Luc. In the mean season,
Will you protest, before these gentlemen,
To keep yourself as you’re
[102] now at this present?
Court. I do protest, before these gentlemen,
I will be as clear then as I am now.
Luc. I do believe you. Here’s your own honest servant,
I’ll take him along with me.
Court. Ay, with all my heart.
Luc. He shall see all perform’d, and bring you word.
Court. That’s all I wait for.
Hoa. What, have you finished, master Lucre? ha, ha, ha, ha!
Luc. So laugh, Hoard, laugh at your poor enemy, do;
The wind may turn, you may be laugh’d at too;
Yes, marry may you, sir.—Ha, ha, ha, [ha]!
[Exeunt Lucre, Gentlemen, and Host.