Gli. Tricks and shows! Protestations with men are like tears with women, forgot ere the cheek be dry. Gerardine is a gentleman; his lands be in statutes: ’a[178] is not for thee, nor thou for him: ’a is a gallant, and young thoughts be most unconstant.
Mar. Yet young vines yield most wine.
Mis. G. But old vines the best. Believe not these great-breeched[179] gallants; they love for profit, not for affection: if ’a brings thee to a fool’s paradise, ’a will forsake thee.
Gli. Which fortune God send my enemy! Love is a cold heat,[180] a bitter sweet, a pleasure full of pain, a huge loss, and no gain. Why shouldest thou love him only?
Gli. Tut, love is an idle fantasy, bred by desire, nursed by delight, an humour that begins his dominion in Leo the lion, the sign of the heart; and ends in Aries the ram, the sign of the head: his power is to stir the blood,—pricks up the flesh, fills all the body with a libidinous humour, and is indeed the overture[183] of all ladies: which to prevent, I have banished Gerardine, your dearly beloved, my house; and as for you, since I am your guardian by my brother’s last will, I will sequester you from all other rooms in my house save this gallery and your upper chamber, till, in discretion, I shall find it convenient to enlarge you.
Mis. G. Believe me, Maria, I have known the natures of divers of these gallants. If they possess the unlimited love of us women in never so ample manner, without the society of the body, I know how soon their love vadeth:[184] young men’s love is like ivy; it must have somewhat to cleave to, or it never prospers. Love is like fasting-days, but the body is like flesh-days; and ’tis our English gallants’ fashion to prefer a morsel of flesh before all the fasting-days in the whole year.
Gli. The news with you, Vial?
Vial. And it like[185] your worship, here’s Club, master Purge the ’pothecary’s ’prentice, come to invite you, my mistress, and mistress Maria, to supper, and to see master Gerardine’s will sealed.
Gli. Tell Club my wife and myself will be there, but Maria shall not come. [Exit Vial.]—There must be your sweetheart’s parting feast. Now ’a perceives no access to my house, ’a will to sea; a good riddance: if ’a returns not, you, forsooth, are his heir; that’s not much amiss. Yet there may be tricks: I will not be overreached. Come, to your chamber; where, till my return, you shall be in safe custody.
Lip. Now, by the horns of Cupid’s bow, which hath been the bane to many a tall[187] citizen, I think there be no finer fools under heaven than we men when we are lovers. How thou goest crying up and down, with thy arms across, for a wife! which hadst thou, she’d cross both arms, head, and heart. Dost not yet know the old saying,—a wife brings but two good days, that is her wedding-day, and death-day?
Gud. Believe him, Gerardine, ’a speaks now gospel: a man may take more wife with one hand than he’s able to put away with ten, Gerardine. A wife is such a cross, that all married men would most gladly be rid of.
Lip. Didst ever see the true picture of a lover? I can give thee the hieroglyphic; and this it is: a man standing naked, a wench tickling him on the left side with a feather, and pricking him under the right side with a needle. The allegory, as I take, is this: that at the first we are so overjoyed with obtaining a wife, that we conceit no heaven like to the first night’s lodging; and that’s the signification of the left side, for wives always in the night take the left-side place: but, sir, now come to the needle on the right side,—that’s the daytime, wherein she commands; then, sir, she has a certain thing called tongue, ten times more sharp than a needle, and that, at the least displeasure, a man must have shot quite through him.
Gud. Gramercies, Lipsalve, my neat courtier!—But, sirrah Gerardine, be thyself, sociable and free: leave not thy native soil for a giglot,[189] a wench who in her wit is proud——
Lip. In her smile deceitful——
Gud. In her hate revengeable——
Lip. And in nothing but her death acceptable. I’ll tell thee, there’s no creature more desirous of an honest name, and worse keeps it, than a woman. Dost hear? follow this song; and if ever thou forsake thy country for a wagtail, let me be whipt to death with ladies’ hairlaces.
Ger. Let’s hear that worthy song, gentle master Lipsalve.
Lip. Observe:
How dost thou like this, man?
Gud. Tut, man, every one knows their worth when they are at a rack-rent: in the term-time they bear as great a price as wheat when transportations are.
Ger. Peace: let’s draw near the window, and listen if we may hear her.
Lip. She’d move within thy orb and thou in hers? blood, she talk[s] bawdy to herself.—Gudgeon, stand close.
Mar. I knew it: he that, to get up to a fair woman, will stick to vow and swear, may be accounted no man. But tell me,
Ger. O perfection of women!
Lip. A plague[198] of such perfection!
Ger. How she wooes! by negatives shews——
Gud. Thee what to do, under colour of dissuasion.[199]
Ger. She’s truly virtuous!
Lip. Tut, man, outward apparance[200] is no authentic instance[201] of the inward desires: women have sharp falcon’s eyes, and can soar aloft; but keep them, like falcons, from flesh, and they soon stoop to a gaudy lure.
Ger. Why, then, Huguenot women are admirable angels.
Gud. But angels[202] make them admirable devils.
Lip. Women’s smiles are more of custom than of courtesy: women are creatures; their hearts and they are full of holes, apt to receive, but not retain affection. Thou wilt to-morrow, thou sayest, begone: if thou wilt know the worst of a country,[203] marry before thou goest; for if thou canst endure a curst wife, never care what company thou comest in.
Ger. Come, merry gallants, will you associate me to my cousin Purge’s the ’pothecary’s, and take part of my parting feast[204] to-night?
Gud. O, his wife is of the Family of Love: I’ll thither; perhaps I may prove of the fraternity in time: we’ll thither, that’s flat. [Exeunt.
Mis. P. What, Club, Club! Is Club within there?
Club. Mistress?
Mis. P. I pray, what said master doctor Glister? will ’a come?
Club. ’A sent word ’a would, for ’a was but to carry a diet to one of his patients—what call you her? she that paints a day-times, and looks fair and fresh on the outside, but in the night-time is filthier than the inside of Bocardo,[205] and is indeed far more unsavoury [to those] that know her, forsooth.
Mis. P. Went ’a to her?
Club. ’A had a receipt for the grincomes[206] in his hand, and ’a said ’a would take that in his way.
Mis. P. ’Tis well: and what guest[s] besides him and his wife will be here at supper?
Club. The first in my account is master Gerardine your cousin, master doctor Glister and his wife, master Dryfat the merchant, master Lipsalve the courtier, master Gudgeon the gallant, and their pages,—these, I take, will be your full number.
Mis. P. Then belike my room shall be stuffed with courtiers and gallants to-night. Of all men I love not these gallants; they’ll prate much, but do little: they are people most uncertain; they use great words, but little sense; great beards, but little wit; great breeches,[207] but no money.
Club. That was the last thing they swore away.
Mis. P. Belike they cannot fetch it again with swearing, for if they could, there’s not a page of theirs but would be as rich as a monarch.
Club. There’s nothing, mistress, that is sworn out of date that returns. Their first oath in times past was by the mass; and that they have sworn quite away: then came they to their faith, as, by my faith, ’tis so; that in a short time was sworn away too, for no man believes now more than ’a sees: then they swore by their honesties; and that, mistress, you know, is sworn quite away: after their honesty[208] was gone, then came they to their gentility, and swore as they were gentlemen; and their gentility they swore away so fast, that they had almost sworn away all the ancient gentry out of the land; which, indeed, are scarce missed, for that yeomen and farmers’ sons, with the help of a few Welchmen, have undertook to supply their places: then[209] at the last they came to silver, and their oath was by the cross of this silver; and swore so fast upon that, that now they have scarce left them a cross[210] for to swear by.
Mis. P. And what do they swear by, now their money is gone?
Club. Why, by ( ),[211] and God refuse them.
Mis. P. And can they not as well say, men refuse them, as God refuse them?
Club. No, mistress; for men, especially citizens and rich men, have refused their[212] bonds and protestations already.
Mis. P. ’Tis well: see how supper goes forward, and that my shoes be very well blacked against I go to the Family. [Exit Club.]—Now, sweet chick, where hast thou been? In troth, la, I am not well: I had thought to have spent the morning at the Family, but now I am resolved to take pills, and therefore, I pray thee, desire doctor Glister that ’a would minister to me in the morning.
And now, sweet duck, know I have been for my cousin Gerardine’s will, and have it: ’a has given thee a legacy, but the total is Maria’s.
Master doctor, your wife, and master Dryfat, are most welcome: now, were my cousin Gerardine and master Lipsalve here, our number were complete.
Gli. Is this frantic will done? will master Gerardine to sea? Let me tell you, I am no whit sorry; let such as will be headstrong bite on the bridle.
Pur. ’Tis here, master doctor; all his worth is Maria’s, and locked in a trunk, which by to-morrow[’s] sun shall be delivered to your custody.
Dry. Methinks ’twere a reasonable match to bestow your niece on master Gerardine: ’a is a most hopeful gentleman, and his revenue such, that having your niece’s portion to clear it of all incumbrances, ’twill maintain them both in a very worthy degree.
Gli. Tut, you are master Dryfat the merchant; your skill is greater in cony-skins[213] and woolpacks than in gentlemen. His lands be in statutes: you merchants were wont to be merchant staplers; but now gentlemen have gotten up the trade, for there is not one gentleman amongst twenty but his land[s] be engaged in twenty statutes staple.[214]
And how go the squares?[215]
Pur. Your stay, gentlemen, does wrong to a great many of good stomachs: your suppers expect you.
Gud. And we our suppers.
Gli. And from what good exercise come you three?
Ger. From a play, where we saw most excellent Sampson[216] excel the whole world in gate-carrying.
Dry. Was it performed by the youths?[217]
Lip. By youths? Why, I tell thee we saw Sampson, and I hope ’tis not for youths to play Sampson. Believe it, we saw Sampson bear the town-gates on his neck from the lower to the upper stage,[218] with that life and admirable accord, that it shall never be equalled, unless the whole new livery of porters set [to] their shoulders.
Mis. P. Fie, fie, ’tis pity young gentlemen can bestow their time no better: this playing is not lawful, for I cannot find that either plays or players were allowed in the prime church of Ephesus by the elders.
Dry. Aha, I think she tickled you there!
Pur. Cousin Gerardine, shall the will be read before supper?
Ger. Before supper, I beseech you.
Lip. Ay, ay, before supper,—for when these women’s bellies be full, their tongues[219] will be soon at rest. [Aside.
Dry. Well, master doctor, pity the state of a poor gentleman: it is in you to stay his journey, and make him and yourself happy in his choice.
Gli. Hold you content.—Shall this will be read?
Pur. It shall.—Read you, good master Lipsalve.
Lip. Command silence then.
Gud. Silence!
Lip. [reads] In the name of God, amen. Know all men by these presents,[220] that I Gerardine, being strong of body, and perfect in sense——
Dry. That’s false; there’s no lover in his perfect sense.
Gud. Peace, Dryfat.
Lip. [reads] Do give and grant to Maria Glister, daughter of John Glister, and niece to doctor Glister, physician, all my leases, lands, chattels, goods, and moveables whatsoever. This is stark naught: you cannot give away your moveables, for mistress doctor and mistress Purge claim both shares in your moveables by reason of their legacies.
Dry. That’s true, for their legacies must go out of your moveables.
Lip. I[’ll] put it in—all my moveables, these following legacies being paid.
Ger. Do so, good master Lipsalve.
Lip. [after writing] ’Tis done.
Mis. P. I pray, read only the legacies, for supper stays.
Lip. Well, the legacies: [reads] First, I give to my cousin, mistress Purge, a fair large standing—what’s this?—O, cup,—a fair large standing cup, with a close stool.
Dry. ’Tis not so, ’tis not so.
Lip. I cry you mercy; a close cover ’tis. [Reads] To mistress doctor I give a fair bodkin of gold, with two orient pearls attending the same: all which are in my trunk to be delivered to the keeping of Maria. In witness, &c.—Is this your will?
Ger. ’Tis.
Lip. To it with your hand and seal.
Mis. P. How is it, chick? I must have the standing cup, and mistress Glister the bodkin?
Pur. Right, sweet duck.
Ger. I pray, gentlemen, put to your hands.
Dry. Come, your fists, gentlemen, your fists.
Ger. [while the witnesses sign the will.] Mistress Glister, I have found you always more flexible to understand the estate of a poor gentleman than your husband was willing: therefore I have thought it a point of charity to reveal the wrongs you sustain[221] by your husband’s looseness. Let me tell you in private that the doctor cuckolds Purge oftener than he visits one of his patients: what ’a spares from you ’a spends lavishly on her. These ’pothecaries are a kind of panders: look to it: if ’a keep Maria long close, it is for some lascivious end of his own.
Mis. G. She is his niece.
Ger. Tut, these doctors have tricks. Your niceness is such that you can endure no polluted shoes[222] in your house: take heed lest ’a make you a bawd before your time; look to it.
Lip. Come, our hands are testimonies to thy follies. Shall’s now to supper? We’ll have a health go round to thy voyage.
Gud. Ay, and to all that forswear marriage, and can be content with other men’s wives.
Ger. Of which consort[223] you two are grounds; one touches the bass, and the other tickles the minikin.[224]
Pur. The grey-eyed morning braves me to my face, and calls me sluggard: ’tis time for tradesmen to be in their shops; for he that tends well his shop, and hath an alluring wife with a graceful what d’ye lack?[225] shall be sure to have good doings, and good doings is that that crowns so many citizens with the horns of abundance. My wife, by ordinary course, should this morning have been at the Family, but now her soft pillow hath given her counsel to keep her bed: master doctor should indeed minister to her; to whose pills she is so much accustomed, that now her body looks for them as duly as the moon shakes off the old and borrows new horns. I smile to myself to hear our knights and gallants say how they gull us citizens, when, indeed, we gull them, or rather they gull themselves. Here they come in term-time, hire chambers, and perhaps kiss our wives: well, what lose I by that? God’s blessing on’s heart, I say still, that makes much of my wife! for they were very hard-favoured that none could find in’s heart to love but ourselves: drugs would be dog-cheap, but for my private well-practised doctor and such customers. Tut, jealousy is a hell; and they that will thrive must utter their wares as they can, and wink at small faults. [Exit.