Enter two Vintners with wine.

Ast.
Car., &c. } O brave! march fair.

Lod. Are you come? that’s well.

Mat. Here’s ordnance able to sack a city.[406]

Lod. Come, repeat, read this inventory.

First V. Imprimis, a pottle of Greek wine, a pottle of Peter-sameene,[407] a pottle of Charnico,[408] and a pottle of Leatica.[409]

Lod. You’re paid?

Sec. V. Yes, sir. [Exeunt Vintners.

Mat. So shall some of us be anon, I fear.

Bots. Here’s a hot day towards:[410] but, zounds, this is the life out of which a soldier sucks sweetness! when this artillery goes off roundly, some must drop to the ground; cannon, demi-cannon, saker, and basilisk.[411]

Lod. Give fire, lieutenant.

Bots. So, so, must I venture first upon the breach? To you all, gallants; Bots sets upon you all.

[Drinks.

Ast.
Car., &c.[412] } It’s hard, Bots, if we pepper not you,
as well as you pepper us.

Enter Candido.

Lod. My noble linen-draper!—Some wine!—welcome, old lad!

Mat. You’re welcome, signor.

Can. These lawns, sir?

Mat. Presently; my man is gone for them. We ha’ rigged a fleet, you see, here, to sail about the world.

Can. A dangerous voyage, sailing in such ships.

Bots. There’s no casting overboard yet.

Lod. Because you are an old lady, I will have you be acquainted with this grave citizen; pray, bestow your lips upon him, and bid him welcome.

Mis. H. Any citizen shall be most welcome to me.—I have used to buy ware at your shop.

Can. It may be so, good madam.

Mis. H. Your prentices know my dealings well. I trust your good wife be in good case: if it please you, bear her a token from my lips, by word of mouth. [Kisses him.

Can. I pray, no more; forsooth, ’tis very well;
Indeed I love no sweetmeats.—Sh’as a breath
Stinks worse than fifty polecats. [Aside.]—Sir, a word;
Is she a lady?

Lod. A woman of a good house and an ancient; she’s a bawd.

Can. A bawd?—Sir, I’ll steal hence, and see your lawns
Some other time.

Mat. Steal out of such company? Pacheco, my man, is but gone for 'em.—Lieutenant Bots, drink to this worthy old fellow, and teach him to fly high.

Lod.
Ast., &c. } Swagger, and make him do’t
on his knees.

Can. How, Bots? now, bless me, what do I with Bots?
No wine, in sooth, no wine, good master Bots.

Bots. Grey-beard, goat’s-pizzle, ’tis a health: have this in your guts, or this there [touching his sword]: I will sing a bawdy song, sir, because your verjuice face is melancholy, to make liquor go down glib. Will you fall on your marrow-bones, and pledge this health? ’tis to my mistress, a whore.

Can. Here’s ratsbane upon ratsbane.—Master Bots,
I pray, sir, pardon me: you are a soldier,
Press me not to this service; I am old,
And shoot not in such pot-guns.

Bots. Cap,[413] I’ll teach you.

Can. To drink healths is to drink sickness.—Gentlemen,
Pray rescue me.

Bots. Zounds, who dare?

Lod.
Ast., &c. } We shall ha’ stabbing then.

Can. I ha’ reckonings to cast up, good master Bots.

Bots. This will make you cast 'em up better.

Lod. Why does your hand shake so?

Can. The palsy, signors, danceth in my blood.

Bots. Pipe with a pox, sir, then, or I’ll make your blood dance——

Can. Hold, hold, good master Bots, I drink.

[Kneels.[414]

Lod.
Ast., &c. } To whom?

Can. To the old countess there. [Drinks.

Mis. H. To me, old boy?—This is he that never drunk wine!—Once again to’t.

Can. With much ado the poison is got down,
Though I can scarce get up; never before
Drank I a whore’s health, nor will never more.
Re-enter Orlando with lawns.

Mat. Hast been at gallows?

Or. Yes, sir, for I make account to suffer to-day.

Mat. Look, signor; here’s the commodity.

Can. Your price?

Mat. Thus.[415]

Can. No, too dear: thus.

Mat. No? O fie, you must fly higher: yet take 'em home; trifles shall not make us quarrel; we’ll agree, you shall have them, and a pennyworth; I’ll fetch money at your shop.

Can. Be it so, good signor; send me going.

Mat. Going?—A deep bowl of wine for signor Candido!

Or. He would be going.

Can. I’ll rather stay than go so: stop your bowl.

Enter Constable and Billmen.[416]

Lod. How now?

Bots. Is’t Shrove Tuesday,[417] that these ghosts walk?

Mat. What’s your business, sir?

Con. From the duke: you are the man we look for, signor; I have warrant here from the duke to apprehend you upon felony for robbing two pedlars: I charge you i’ th’ duke’s name go quickly.

Mat. Is the wind turned? well: this is that old wolf my father-in-law.—Seek out your mistress, sirrah.

Or. Yes, sir.—As shafts by piecing are made strong,
So shall thy life be straighten’d by this wrong.
[Aside, and exit.

Lod.
Ast., &c. } In troth, we are sorry.

Mat. Brave men must be crost; pish, it’s but fortune’s dice roving against me.—Come, sir, pray use me like a gentleman; let me not be carried through the streets like a pageant.

Con. If these gentlemen please, you shall go along with them.

Lod.
Ast., &c. } Be’t so: come.

Con. What are you, sir?

Bots. I, sir? sometimes a figure, sometimes a cipher, as the state has occasion to cast up her accounts: I’m a soldier.

Con. Your name is Bots, is’t not?

Bots. Bots is my name; Bots is known to this company.

Con. I know you are, sir.—What’s she?

Bots. A gentlewoman, my mother.

Con. Take 'em both along.

Bots. Me, sir?[418]

Bill. And, sir.

Con. If he swagger, raise the street.

Bots. Gentlemen, gentlemen, whither will you drag us?

Lod. To the garden-house. Bots, are we even with you?

Con. To Bridewell with 'em.

Bots. You will answer this.

Con. Better than a challenge; I’ve warrant for my work, sir.

Lod. We’ll go before.

Con. Pray, do.—

[Exeunt Matheo with Lod., Ast., Car., Ber.
and Font.; Bots and Mis. H. with Billmen.
Who, signor Candido? a citizen
Of your degree consorted thus, and revelling
In such a house?

Can. Why, sir, what house, I pray?

Con. Lewd, and defam’d.

Can. Is’t so? thanks, sir: I’m gone.

Con. What have you there?

Can. Lawns which I bought, sir, of the gentleman
That keeps the house.
Con. And I have warrant here
To search for such stoln ware: these lawns are stoln.
Can. Indeed!
Con. So he’s the thief, you the receiver:
I’m sorry for this chance, I must commit you.
Can. Me, sir? for what?
Con. These goods are found upon you,
And you must answer’t.
Can. Must I so?
Con. Most certain.
Can. I’ll send for bail.
Con. I dare not: yet, because
You are a citizen of worth, you shall not
Be made a pointing stock, but without guard
Pass only with myself.
Can. To Bridewell too?
Con. No remedy.
Can. Yes, patience: being not mad,
They had me once to Bedlam: now I’m drawn
To Bridewell, loving no whores.
Con. You will buy lawn! [Exeunt.

ACT V. SCENE I.

A Street.
Enter on one side Hippolito, on the other Lodovico, Astolfo, Carolo, Beraldo, and Fontinell.

Lod. Yonder’s the lord Hippolito; by any means leave him and me together; now will I turn him to a madman.

Ast.
Car., &c. } Save you, my lord.

[Exeunt all except Hippolito and Lodovico.

Lod. I ha’ strange news to tell you.

Hip. What are they?

Lod. Your mare’s i’ th’ pound.

Hip. How’s this?

Lod. Your nightingale is in a lime-bush.

Hip. Ha!

Lod. Your puritanical Honest Whore sits in a blue gown.[419]

Hip. Blue gown?

Lod. She’ll chalk out your way to her now; she beats chalk.

Hip. Where? who dares——

Lod. Do you know the brick-house of castigation, by the river-side that runs by Milan? the school where they pronounce no letter well but O?

Hip. I know it not.

Lod. Any man that has borne office of constable, or any woman[420] that has fallen from a horse-load to a cart-load, or like an old hen that has had none but rotten eggs in her nest, can direct you to her: there you shall see your punk amongst her back-friends,

There you may have her at your will,
For there she beats chalk, or grinds in the mill,[421]
With a whip, deedle, deedle, deedle, deedle.
Ah, little monkey!
Hip. What rogue durst serve that warrant, knowing I lov’d her?
Lod. Some worshipful rascal, I lay my life.
Hip. I’ll beat the lodgings down about their ears
That are her keepers.
Lod. So you may bring an old house over her head.
Hip. I’ll to her,
I’ll to her, stood arm’d fiends to guard the doors!
[Exit.
Lod. O me, what monsters are men made by whores!
If this false fire do kindle him, there’s one faggot
More to the bonfire. Now to my Bridewell-birds;
What song will they sing? [Exit.

SCENE II.

An Apartment in Bridewell.
Enter Duke, Infelice, Carolo, Astolfo, Beraldo, Fontinell, and several Masters of Bridewell.
Duke. Your Bridewell?[422] that the name? for beauty, strength,
Capacity and form of ancient building,
Besides the river’s neighbourhood, few houses
Wherein we keep our court can better it.
First Mas. Hither from foreign courts have princes come,
And with our duke did acts of state commence;
Here that great cardinal had first audience,
The grave Campayne; that duke dead, his son,
That famous prince, gave free possession
Of this his palace to the citizens,
To be the poor man’s warehouse, and endow’d it
With lands to th’ value of seven hundred mark[s],[423]
With all the bedding and the furniture, once proper,
As the lands then were, to an hospital
Belonging to a duke of Savoy. Thus
Fortune can toss the world; a prince’s court
Is thus a prison now.
Duke. ’Tis fortune’s sport:
These changes common are; the wheel of fate
Turns kingdoms up, till they fall desolate.
But how are these seven hundred marks by th’ year
Employ’d in this your workhouse?
First Mas. War and peace
Feed both upon those lands: when the iron doors
Of war[424] burst open, from this house are sent
Men furnish’d in all martial complement.
The moon hath through her bow scarce drawn to th’ head,
Like to twelve silver arrows, all the months,
Since sixteen hundred soldiers went aboard.
Here providence and charity play such parts,
The house is like a very school of arts;
For when our soldiers, like ships driven from sea,
With ribs all broken and with tatter’d sides,
Cast anchor here again, their ragged backs
How often do we cover! that, like men,
They may be sent to their own homes agen.[425]
All here are but one swarm of bees, and strive
To bring with wearied thighs honey to the hive.
The sturdy beggar and the lazy lown
Gets here hard hands or lac’d correction.
The vagabond grows staid, and learns t’ obey;
The drone is beaten well, and sent away.
As other prisons are, some for the thief,
Some by which undone credit gets relief
From bridled debtors, others for the poor;
So this is for the bawd, the rogue, and whore.
Car. An excellent team of horse!
First Mas. Nor is it seen
That the whip draws blood here, to cool the spleen
Of any rugged bencher, nor does offence
Feel smart on[426] spiteful or rash evidence;
But pregnant testimony forth must stand
Ere justice leave them in the beadle’s hand.
As iron, on the anvil are they laid,
Not to take blows alone, but to be made
And fashion’d to some charitable use.
Duke. Thus wholesom’st laws spring from the worst abuse.
Enter Orlando disguised as a Serving-man, and[427] Bellafront.
Bel. Let mercy touch your heart-strings, gracious lord,
That it may sound like music in the ear
Of a man desperate, being i’ th’ hands of law!

Duke. His name?

Bel. Matheo.

Duke. For a robbery?
Where is he?[428]

Bel. In this house.

Duke. Fetch you him hither.—
[Exeunt Second Master and Bellafront.

Is this the party?

Or. This is the hen, my lord, that the cock with the lordly comb, your son-in-law, would crow over and tread.

Duke. Are your two servants ready?

Or. My two pedlars are packed together, my good lord.

Duke. ’Tis well: this day in judgment shall be spent:
Vice, like a wound lanc’d, mends by punishment.
Inf. Let me be gone, my lord, or stand unseen;
’Tis rare when a judge strikes, and that none die,
And ’tis unfit then women should be by.
First Mas. We’ll place you, lady, in some private room.
Inf. Pray do so.
[Exit with First Master, who presently returns.
Or. Thus nice dames swear, it is unfit their eyes
Should view men carv’d up for anatomies,[429]
Yet they’ll see all, so they may stand unseen:
Many women sure will sin behind a screen.
Enter Lodovico.
Lod. Your son, the lord Hippolito, is enter’d.
Duke. Tell him we wish his presence. A word, Sforza;[430]
On what wings flew he hither?

Lod. These; I told him his lark whom he loved was a Bridewell-bird; he’s mad that this cage should hold her, and is come to let her out.

Duke. ’Tis excellent: away, go call him hither.

[Exit Lodovico.

Re-enter on one side Second Master and Bellafront, with Matheo and Constable; on the other, Lodovico with Hippolito. Orlando goes out and returns with two of his servants disguised as pedlars.

Duke. You are to us a stranger, worthy lord;
’Tis strange to see you here.
Hip. It is most fit,
That where the sun goes, atomies[431] follow it.
Duke. Atomies neither shape nor honour bear:
Be you yourself, a sunbeam to shine clear.—
Is this the gentleman? stand forth and hear
Your accusation.

Mat. I’ll hear none; I fly high in that: rather than kites shall seize upon me, and pick out mine eyes to my face, I’ll strike my talons thorough mine own heart first, and spit my blood in theirs. I am here for shriving those two fools of their sinful pack: when those jackdaws have cawed over me, then must I cry guilty, or not guilty; the law has work enough already, and therefore I’ll put no work of mine into his hands; the hangman shall ha’t first: I did pluck those ganders, did rob them.

Duke. ’Tis well done to confess.

Mat. Confess and be hanged, and then I fly high,—is’t not so? that for that; a gallows is the worst rub that a good bowler can meet with; I stumbled against such a post, else this night I had played the part of a true son in these days, undone my father-in-law; with him would I ha’ run at leap-frog, and come over his gold, though I had broke his neck for’t: but the poor salmon-trout is now in the net.

Hip. And now the law must teach you to fly high.

Mat. Right, my lord, and then may you fly low; no more words:—a mouse, mum, you are stopt.

Bel. Be good to my poor husband, dear my lords!
Mat. Ass!
Why shouldst thou pray them to be good to me,
When no man here is good to one another?
Duke. Did any hand work in this theft but yours?

Mat. O yes, my lord, yes: the hangman has never one son at a birth, his children always come by couples: though I cannot give the old dog my father a bone to gnaw, the daughter shall be sure of a choke-pear. Yes, my lord, there was one more that fiddled my fine pedlars, and that was my wife.

Bel. Alas, I?

Or. O everlasting, supernatural, superlative villain! [Aside.]

Duke,
Lod., &c. } Your wife Matheo?

Hip. Sure it cannot be.

Mat. O, sir, you love no quarters of mutton that hang up, you love none but whole mutton. She set the robbery, I performed it; she spurred me on, I galloped away.

Or. My lords——

Bel. My lords—fellow, give me speech—if my poor life
May ransom thine, I yield it to the law.
Thou hurt’st thy soul, yet wip’st off no offence,
By casting blots upon my innocence:
Let not these spare me, but tell truth: no, see
Who slips his neck out of the misery,
Though not out of the mischief: let thy servant,
That shar’d in this base act, accuse me here:
Why should my husband perish, he go clear?

Or. A good child, hang thine own father! [Aside.

Duke. Old fellow, was thy hand in too?

Or. My hand was in the pie, my lord, I confess it: my mistress, I see, will bring me to the gallows, and so leave me; but I’ll not leave her so: I had rather hang in a woman’s company than in a man’s; because if we should go to hell together, I should scarce be letten in, for all the devils are afraid to have any women come amongst them; as I am true thief, she neither consented to this felony nor knew of it.

Duke. What fury prompts thee on to kill thy wife?

Mat. It’s my humour, sir; ’tis a foolish bagpipe that I make myself merry with: why should I eat hemp-seed at the hangman’s thirteenpence-halfpenny ordinary, and have this whore laugh at me as I swing, as I totter?

Duke. Is she a whore?

Mat. A sixpenny mutton pasty[432] for any to cut up.

Or. Ah, toad, toad, toad! [Aside.

Mat. A barber’s cittern[433] for every serving-man to play upon: that lord your son knows it.

Hip. I, sir? am I her bawd then?

Mat. No, sir, but she’s your whore then.

Or. Yea, spider, dost catch at great flies? [Aside.

Hip. My whore?

Mat. I cannot talk, sir, and tell of your rems, and your rees, and your whirligigs and devices,—but, my lord, I found 'em like sparrows in one nest, billing together, and bulling of me: I took 'em in bed, was ready to kill him, was up to stab her——

Hip. Close thy rank jaws;—pardon me, I am vex’d,—
Thou art a villain, a malicious devil!
Deep as the place where thou art lost, thou liest!
Since I am thus far got into this storm,
I’ll through, and thou shalt see I’ll through untouch’d,
When thou shalt perish in it.
Re-enter Infelice.
Inf. ’Tis my cue
To enter now.—Room, let my prize be play’d![434]
I ha’ lurk’d in clouds, yet heard what all have said:
What jury more can prove sh’as wrong’d my bed
Than her own husband? she must be punished;
I challenge law, my lord; letters, and gold,
And jewels from my lord that woman took.
Hip. Against that black-mouth’d devil, 'gainst letters and gold,
And 'gainst a jealous wife, I do uphold
Thus far her reputation; I could sooner
Shake th’ Appenine, and crumble rocks to dust,
Than, though Jove’s shower rain’d down, tempt her to lust.

Bel. What shall I say?

Or. [throwing off his disguise] Say thou art not a whore, and that’s more than fifteen women amongst five hundred dare swear without lying: this shalt thou say—no, let me say’t for thee—thy husband’s a knave, this lord’s an honest man; thou art no punk, this lady’s a right lady; Pacheco is a thief as his master is, but old Orlando is as true a man as thy father is.—I ha’ seen you fly high, sir, and I ha’ seen you fly low, sir; and to keep you from the gallows, sir, a blue coat have I worn, and a thief did I turn; mine own men are the pedlars: my twenty pound did fly high, sir, your wife’s gown did fly low, sir: whither fly you now, sir? you ha’ scaped the gallows, to the devil you fly next, sir.—Am I right, my liege?

Duke. Your father has the true physician play’d.

Mat. And I am now his patient.

Hip. And be so still:
’Tis a good sign when our cheeks blush at ill.
Con. The linen-draper, signor Candido,
He whom the city terms the patient man,
Is likewise here for buying of those lawns
The pedlars lost.
Inf. Alas, good Candido!
Duke. Fetch him [exit Constable]: and when these payments up are cast,
Weigh out your light gold, but let’s have them last.