Alib. Take you none with you, leave ’em all with us.
[Exit Pedro.

Ant. O, my cousin’s gone! cousin, cousin, O!

Lol. Peace, peace, Tony; you must not cry, child, you must be whipped if you do; your cousin is here still; I am your cousin, Tony.

Ant. He, he! then I'll not cry, if thou be’st my cousin; he, he, he!

Lol. I were best try his wit a little, that I may know what form to place him in.

Alib. Ay, do, Lollio, do.

Lol. I must ask him easy questions at first.—Tony, how many true[414] fingers has a tailor on his right hand?

Ant. As many as on his left, cousin.

Lol. Good: and how many on both?

Ant. Two less than a deuce, cousin.

Lol. Very well answered: I come to you again, cousin Tony; how many fools go[415] to a wise man?

Ant. Forty in a day sometimes, cousin.

Lol. Forty in a day? how prove you that?

Ant. All that fall out amongst themselves, and go to a lawyer to be made friends.

Lol. A parlous[416] fool! he must sit in the fourth form at least, I perceive that.—I come again, Tony; how many knaves make an honest man?

Ant. I know not that, cousin.

Lol. No, the question is too hard for you: I'll tell you, cousin; there’s three knaves may make an honest man, a sergeant, a jailor, and a beadle; the sergeant catches him, the jailor holds him, and the beadle lashes him; and if he be not honest then, the hangman must cure him.

Ant. Ha, ha, ha! that’s fine sport, cousin.

Alib. This was too deep a question for the fool, Lollio.

Lol. Yes, this might have served yourself, though I say’t.—Once more, and you shall go play, Tony.

Ant. Ay, play at push-pin, cousin; ha, he!

Lol. So thou shalt: say how many fools are here——

Ant. Two, cousin; thou and I.

Lol. Nay, you’re too forward there, Tony: mark my question; how many fools and knaves are here? a fool before a knave, a fool behind a knave, between every two fools a knave; how many fools, how many knaves?

Ant. I never learnt so far, cousin.

Alib. Thou puttest too hard questions to him, Lollio.

Lol. I'll make him understand it easily.—Cousin, stand there.

Ant. Ay, cousin.

Lol. Master, stand you next the fool.

Alib. Well, Lollio.

Lol. Here’s my place: mark now, Tony, there'[s] a fool before a knave.

Ant. That’s I, cousin.

Lol. Here’s a fool behind a knave, that’s I; and between us two fools there is a knave, that’s my master; ’tis but we three, that’s all.

Ant. We three, we three,[417] cousin.

First Mad. [within] Put’s head i' th' pillory, the bread’s too little.

Sec. Mad. [within] Fly, fly, and he catches the swallow.

Third Mad. [within] Give her more onion, or the devil put the rope about her crag.[418]

Lol. You may hear what time of day it is, the chimes of Bedlam go.[419]

Alib. Peace, peace, or the wire[420] comes!

Third Mad. [within] Cat whore, cat whore! her parmasant, her parmasant![421]

Alib. Peace, I say!—Their hour’s come, they must be fed, Lollio.

Lol. There’s no hope of recovery of that Welsh madman; was undone by a mouse that spoiled him a parmasant; lost his wits for’t.

Alib. Go to your charge, Lollio, I'll to mine.

Lol. Go you to your madmen’s ward, let me alone with your fools.

Alib. And remember my last charge, Lollio. [Exit.

Lol. Of which your patients do you think I am?—Come, Tony, you must amongst your schoolfellows now; there’s pretty scholars amongst ’em, I can tell you; there’s some of ’em at stultus, stulta, stultum.

Ant. I would see the madmen, cousin, if they would not bite me.

Lol. No, they shall not bite thee, Tony.

Ant. They bite when they are at dinner, do they not, coz?

Lol. They bite at dinner indeed, Tony. Well, I hope to get credit by thee; I like thee the best of all the scholars that ever I brought up, and thou shalt prove a wise man, or I'll prove a fool myself. [Exeunt.

ACT II. SCENE I.

An apartment in the castle.
Enter Beatrice and Jasperino severally.
Beat. O sir, I'm ready now for that fair service
Which makes the name of friend sit glorious on you!
Good angels and this conduct be your guide!
[Giving a paper.
Fitness of time and place is there set down, sir.
Jas. The joy I shall return rewards my service.
[Exit.
Beat. How wise is Alsemero in his friend!
It is a sign he makes his choice with judgment;
Then I appear in nothing more approv’d
Than making choice of him; for ’tis a principle,
He that can choose
That bosom well who of his thoughts partakes,
Proves most discreet in every choice he makes.
Methinks I love now with the eyes of judgment,
And see the way, to merit, clearly see it.
A true deserter like a diamond sparkles;
In darkness you may see him, that’s in absence,
Which is the greatest darkness falls on love,
Yet is he best discern’d then
With intellectual eye-sight. What’s Piracquo,
My father spends his breath for? and his blessing
Is only mine as I regard his name,
Else it goes from me, and turns head against me,
Transform’d into a curse: some speedy way
Must be remember’d; he’s so forward too,
So urgent that way, scarce allows me breath
To speak to my new comforts.
Enter De Flores.
De F. Yonder’s she;
Whatever ails me, now a-late especially,
I can as well be hang’d as refrain seeing her;
Some twenty times a-day, nay, not so little,
Do I force errands, frame ways and excuses,
To come into her sight; and I've small reason for’t,
And less encouragement, for she baits me still
Every time worse than other; does profess herself
The cruellest enemy to my face in town;
At no hand can abide the sight of me,
As if danger or ill luck hung in my looks.
I must confess my face is bad enough,
But I know far worse has better fortune,
And not endur’d alone, but doted on;
And yet such pick-hair’d faces, chins like witches',
Here and there five hairs whispering in a corner,
As if they grew in fear one of another,
Wrinkles like troughs, where swine-deformity swills
The tears of perjury, that lie there like wash
Fallen from the slimy and dishonest eye;
Yet such a one plucks[422] sweets without restraint,
And has the grace of beauty to his sweet.
Though my hard fate has thrust me out to servitude,
I tumbled into th' world a gentleman.
She turns her blessed eye upon me now,
And I'll endure all storms before I part with’t.
[Aside.
Beat. Again?
This ominous ill-fac’d fellow more disturbs me
Than all my other passions. [Aside.
De F. Now’t begins again;
I'll stand this storm of hail, though the stones pelt me. [Aside.
Beat. Thy business? what’s thy business?
De F. Soft and fair!
I cannot part so soon now. [Aside.
Beat. The villain’s fix’d.— [Aside.
Thou standing toad-pool——
De F. The shower falls amain now. [Aside.
Beat. Who sent thee? what’s thy errand? leave my sight!
De F. My lord, your father, charg’d me to deliver
A message to you.
Beat. What, another since?
Do’t, and be hang’d then; let me be rid of thee.
De F. True service merits mercy.
Beat. What’s thy message?
De F. Let beauty settle but in patience,
You shall hear all.
Beat. A dallying, trifling torment!
De F. Signor Alonzo de Piracquo, lady,
Sole brother to Tomaso de Piracquo——
Beat. Slave, when wilt make an end?
De F. Too soon I shall.
Beat. What all this while of him?
De F. The said Alonzo,
With the foresaid Tomaso——
Beat. Yet again?
De F. Is new alighted.
Beat. Vengeance strike the news!
Thou thing most loath’d, what cause was there in this
To bring thee to my sight?
De F. My lord, your father,
Charg’d me to seek you out.
Beat. Is there no other
To send his errand by?
De F. It seems ’tis my luck
To be i' th' way still.
Beat. Get thee from me!
De F. So:
Why, am not I an ass to devise ways
Thus to be rail’d at? I must see her still!
I shall have a mad qualm within this hour again,
I know’t; and, like a common Garden-bull,[423]
I do but take breath to be lugg’d again.
What this may bode I know not; I'll despair the less,
Because there’s daily precedents of bad faces
Belov’d beyond all reason; these foul chops
May come into favour one day ’mongst their[424] fellows:
Wrangling has prov’d the mistress of good pastime;
As children cry themselves asleep, I ha' seen
Women have chid themselves a-bed to men.
[Aside, and exit.
Beat. I never see this fellow but I think
Of some harm towards me, danger’s in my mind still;
I scarce leave trembling of an hour after:
The next good mood I find my father in,
I'll get him quite discarded. O, I was
Lost in this small disturbance, and forgot
Affliction’s fiercer torrent that now comes
To bear down all my comforts!
Enter Vermandero, Alonzo, and Tomaso.
Ver. You’re both welcome,
But an especial one belongs to you, sir,
To whose most noble name our love presents
Th' addition of a son, our son Alonzo.
Alon. The treasury of honour cannot bring forth
A title I should more rejoice in, sir.
Ver. You have improv’d it well.—Daughter, prepare;
The day will steal upon thee suddenly.
Beat. Howe’er, I will be sure to keep the night,
If it should come so near me. [Aside.
[Beatrice and Vermandero talk apart.

Tom. Alonzo.

Alon. Brother?

Tom. In troth I see small welcome in her eye.

Alon. Fie, you are too severe a censurer
Of love in all points, there’s no bringing on you;
If lovers should mark every thing a fault,
Affection would be like an ill-set book,
Whose faults might prove as big as half the volume.
Beat. That’s all I do intreat.
Ver. It is but reasonable;
I'll see what my son says to’t.—Son Alonzo,
Here is a motion made but to reprieve
A maidenhead three days longer; the request
Is not far out of reason, for indeed
The former time is pinching.
Alon. Though my joys
Be set back so much time as I could wish
They had been forward, yet since she desires it,
The time is set as pleasing as before,
I find no gladness wanting.
Ver. May I ever
Meet it in that point still! you’re nobly welcome, sirs.
[Exit with Beatrice.
Tom. So; did you mark the dulness of her parting now?
Alon. What dulness? thou art so exceptious still!
Tom. Why, let it go then; I am but a fool
To mark your harms so heedfully.
Alon. Where’s the oversight?
Tom. Come, your faith’s cozen’d in her, strongly cozen’d:
Unsettle your affection with all speed
Wisdom can bring it to; your peace is ruin’d else.
Think what a torment ’tis to marry one
Whose heart is leap’d into another’s bosom:
If ever pleasure she receive from thee,
It comes not in thy name, or of thy gift;
She lies but with another in thine arms,
He the half-father unto all thy children
In the conception, if he get ’em not,
She helps[425] to get ’em for him; and how dangerous
And shameful her restraint may go in time to,
It is not to be thought on without sufferings.
Alon. You speak as if she lov’d some other, then.
Tom. Do you apprehend so slowly?
Alon. Nay, and[426] that
Be your fear only, I am safe enough:
Preserve your friendship and your counsel, brother,
For times of more distress; I should depart
An enemy, a dangerous, deadly one,
To any but thyself, that should but think
She knew the meaning of inconstancy,
Much less the use and practice: yet we’re friends;
Pray, let no more be urg’d; I can endure
Much, till I meet an injury to her,
Then I am not myself. Farewell, sweet brother;
How much we’re bound to heaven to depart lovingly!
[Exit.
Tom. Why, here is love’s tame madness; thus a man
Quickly steals into his vexation. [Exit.

SCENE II.

Another apartment in the castle.
Enter Diaphanta and Alsemero.
Dia. The place is my charge; you have kept your hour,
And the reward of a just meeting bless you!
I hear my lady coming: complete gentleman,
I dare not be too busy with my praises,
They’re dangerous things to deal with. [Exit.
Als. This goes well;
These women are the ladies' cabinets,
Things of most precious trust are lock’d into ’em.
Enter Beatrice.
Beat. I have within mine eye all my desires:
Requests that holy prayers ascend heaven for,
And bring[427] ’em down to furnish our defects,
Come not more sweet to our necessities
Than thou unto my wishes.
Als. We’re so like
In our expressions, lady, that unless I borrow
The same words, I shall never find their equals.
Beat. How happy were this meeting, this embrace,
If it were free from envy! this poor kiss,
It has an enemy, a hateful one,
That wishes poison to’t: how well were I now,
If there were none such name known as Piracquo,
Nor no such tie as the command of parents!
I should be but too much bless’d.
Als. One good service
Would strike off both your fears, and I'll go near’t too,
Since you are so distress’d; remove the cause,
The command ceases; so there’s two fears blown out
With one and the same blast.
Beat. Pray, let me find you, sir:
What might that service be, so strangely happy?
Als. The honourablest piece about man, valour:
I'll send a challenge to Piracquo instantly.
Beat. How? call you that extinguishing of fear,
When ’tis the only way to keep it flaming?
Are not you ventur’d in the action,
That’s all my joys and comforts? pray, no more, sir:
Say you prevail’d, you’re danger’s and not mine then;
The law would claim you from me, or obscurity
Be made the grave to bury you alive.
I'm glad these thoughts come forth; O, keep not one
Of this condition,[428] sir! here was a course
Found to bring sorrow on her way to death;
The tears would ne’er ha' dried, till dust had chok’d ’em.
Blood-guiltiness becomes a fouler visage;—
And now I think on one; I was to blame,
I ha' marr’d so good a market with my scorn;
'Thad been done questionless: the ugliest creature
Creation fram’d for some use; yet to see
I could not mark so much where it should be! [Aside.
Als. Lady——
Beat. Why, men of art make much of poison,
Keep one to expel another; where was my art? [Aside.
Als. Lady, you hear not me.
Beat. I do especially, sir;
The present times are not so sure of our side
As those hereafter may be; we must use ’em then
As thrifty folks their wealth, sparingly now,
Till the time opens.
Als. You teach wisdom, lady.
Beat. Within there! Diaphanta!
Re-enter Diaphanta.
Dia. Do you call, madam?
Beat. Perfect your service, and conduct this gentleman
The private way you brought him.
Dia. I shall, madam.
Als. My love’s as firm as love e’er built upon.
[Exit with Diaphanta.
Enter De Flores.
De F. I've watch’d this meeting, and do wonder much
What shall become of t’other; I'm sure both
Cannot be serv’d unless she transgress; haply
Then I'll put in for one; for if a woman
Fly from one point, from him she makes a husband,
She spreads and mounts then like arithmetic;
One, ten, a hundred, a thousand, ten thousand,
Proves in time sutler to an army royal.
Now do I look to be most richly rail’d at,
Yet I must see her. [Aside.
Beat. Why, put case I loath’d him
As much as youth and beauty hates a sepulchre,
Must I needs shew it? cannot I keep that secret,
And serve my turn upon him? See, he’s here.— [Aside.
De Flores.
De F. Ha, I shall run mad with joy!
She call’d me fairly by my name De Flores,
And neither rogue nor rascal. [Aside.
Beat. What ha' you done
To your face a' late? you’ve met with some good physician;
You’ve prun’d yourself,[429] methinks: you were not wont
To look so amorously.[430]
De F. Not I;—
’Tis the same physnomy, to a hair and pimple,
Which she call’d scurvy scarce an hour ago:
How is this? [Aside.
Beat. Come hither; nearer, man.
De F. I'm up to the chin in heaven! [Aside.
Beat. Turn, let me see;
Faugh, ’tis but the heat of the liver, I perceive’t;
I thought it had been worse.
De F. Her fingers touch’d me!
She smells all amber.[431] [Aside.
Beat. I'll make a water for you shall cleanse this
Within a fortnight.
De F. With your own hands, lady?
Beat. Yes, mine own [hands],[432] sir; in a work of cure
I'll trust no other.
De F. ’Tis half an act of pleasure
To hear her talk thus to me. [Aside.
Beat. When we’re us’d
To a hard face, it is not so unpleasing;
It mends still in opinion, hourly mends;
I see it by experience.
De F. I was bless’d
To light upon this minute; I'll make use on’t. [Aside.
Beat. Hardness becomes the visage of a man well;
It argues service, resolution, manhood,
If cause were of employment.
De F. ’Twould be soon seen,
If e’er your ladyship had cause to use it;
I would but wish the honour of a service
So happy as that mounts to.
Beat. We shall try you:[433]
O my De Flores!
De F. How’s that? she calls me hers;
Already, my De Flores! [Aside.]—You were about
To sigh out somewhat, madam?
Beat. No, was I?
I forgot,—O!—
De F. There ’tis again, the very fellow on’t.
Beat. You are too quick, sir.
De F. There’s no excuse[434] for’t now, I heard it twice, madam;
That sigh would fain have utterance; take pity on’t,
And lend it a free word; ’las, how it labours
For liberty! I hear the murmur yet
Beat at your bosom.
Beat. Would creation——
De F. Ay, well said, that is it.
Beat. Had form’d me man!
De F. Nay, that’s not it.
Beat. O, ’tis the soul of freedom!
I should not then be forc’d to marry one
I hate beyond all depths; I should have power
Then to oppose my loathings, nay, remove ’em
For ever from my sight.
De F. O bless’d occasion! [Aside.
Without change to your sex you have your wishes;
Claim so much man in me.
Beat. In thee, De Flores?
There is small cause for that.
De F. Put it not from me,
It is a service that I kneel for to you. [Kneels.
Beat. You are too violent to mean faithfully:
There’s horror in my service, blood, and danger;
Can those be things to sue for?
De F. If you knew
How sweet it were to me to be employ’d
In any act of yours, you would say then
I fail’d, and us’d not reverence enough
When I receiv'[d] the charge on’t.
Beat. This is much, methinks;
Belike his wants are greedy; and to such
Gold tastes like angel’s food. [Aside.]—[De Flores,][435] rise.
De F. I'll have the work first.
Beat. Possible his need
Is strong upon him. [Aside.]—There’s to encourage thee; [Gives money.
As thou art forward, and thy service dangerous,
Thy reward shall be precious.
De F. That I've thought on;
I have assur’d myself of that beforehand,
And know it will be precious; the thought ravishes!
Beat. Then take him to thy fury!
De F. I thirst for him.
Beat. Alonzo de Piracquo.
De F. [rising] His end’s upon him;
He shall be seen no more.
Beat. How lovely now
Dost thou appear to me! never was man
Dearlier rewarded.
De F. I do think of that.
Beat. Be wondrous careful in the execution.
De F. Why, are not both our lives upon the cast?
Beat. Then I throw all my fears upon thy service.
De F. They ne’er shall rise to hurt you.
Beat. When the deed’s done,
I'll furnish thee with all things for thy flight;
Thou may’st live bravely in another country.
De F. Ay, ay; we’ll talk of that hereafter.
Beat. I shall rid myself
Of two inveterate loathings at one time,
Piracquo, and his dog-face. [Aside, and exit.
De F. O my blood!
Methinks I feel her in mine arms already;
Her wanton fingers combing out this beard,
And, being pleasèd, praising this bad face.
Hunger and pleasure, they’ll commend sometimes
Slovenly dishes, and feed heartily on ’em,
Nay, which is stranger, refuse daintier for ’em.
Some women are odd feeders,—I'm too loud.
Here comes the man goes supperless to bed,
Yet shall not rise to-morrow to his dinner.
Enter Alonzo.
Alon. De Flores.
De F. My kind, honourable lord?
Alon. I'm glad I ha' met with thee.
De F. Sir?
Alon. Thou canst shew me
The full strength of the castle?
De F. That I can, sir.
Alon. I much desire it.
De F. And if the ways and straits
Of some of the passages be not too tedious for you,
I'll assure you, worth your time and sight, my lord.
Alon. Pooh, that shall be no hindrance.
De F. I'm your servant then:
’Tis now near dinner-time; ’gainst your lordship’s rising
I'll have the keys about me.
Alon. Thanks, kind De Flores.
De F. He’s safely thrust upon me beyond hopes.
[Aside.
[Exeunt severally.

ACT III. SCENE I.

A narrow passage in the castle.

Enter Alonzo and De Flores. (In the act-time[436] De Flores hides a naked rapier behind a door.

De F. Yes, here are all the keys; I was afraid, my lord,
I'd wanted for the postern, this is it:
I've all, I've all, my lord: this for the sconce.
Alon. ’Tis a most spacious and impregnable fort.
De F. You will tell me more, my lord: this descent
Is somewhat narrow, we shall never pass
Well with our weapons, they’ll but trouble us.
Alon. Thou sayest true.
De F. Pray, let me help your lordship.
Alon. ’Tis done: thanks, kind De Flores.
De F. Here are hooks, my lord,
To hang such things on purpose.