Mis. Kna. Do you mean seriously?
Kna. As I hope for preferment.
Mis. Kna. And can you lose me thus?
Kna. Lose you? I shall love you the better: why, what’s the viewing any wardrobe or jewel-house, without a companion to confer their likings? yet, now I view thee well, methinks thou art a rare monopoly, and great pity one man should enjoy thee.
Mis. Kna. This is pretty!
Kna. Let’s divorce ourselves so long, or think I am gone to th' Indies, or lie with him when I am asleep; for some Familists[887] of Amsterdam will tell you [it] may be done with a safe conscience: come, you wanton, what hurt can this do to you? I protest, nothing so much as to keep company with an old woman has sore eyes; no more wrong than I do my beaver when I try it thus; look, this is all; smooth, and keeps fashion still.
Mis. Kna. You’re one of the basest fellows!
Mis. Kna. Possible?
Kna. And my preferment comes along with him: be wise, mind your good; and to confute all reason in the world which thou canst urge against it, when ’tis done, we will be married again, wife, which some say is the only supersedeas about Limehouse to remove cuckoldry.
L. Beau. Come, are you ready to attend me to the court?
Kna. Yes, my lord.
L. Beau. Is this fair one your wife?
Kna. At your lordship’s service. I will look up some writings, and return presently. [Exit.
Mis. Kna. To see and[890] the base fellow do not leave ’s alone too! [Aside.
L. Beau. ’Tis an excellent habit this: where were you born, sweet?
Mis. Kna. I am a Suffolk woman, my lord.
L. Beau. Believe it, every country you breathe on is the sweeter for you: let me see your hand; the case is loath to part with the jewel [drawing off her glove]: fairest one, I have skill in palmistry.
Mis. Kna. Good my lord, what do you find there?
L. Beau. In good earnest, I do find written here, all my good fortune lies in your hand.
Mis. Kna. You’ll keep a very bad house then; you may see by the smallness of the table.[891]
L. Beau. Who is your sweetheart?
Mis. Kna. Sweetheart?
L. Beau. Yes; come, I must sift you to know it.
Mis. Kna. I am a sieve too coarse for your lordship’s manchet.[892]
L. Beau. Nay, pray you, tell me; for I see your husband is an unhandsome fellow.
Mis. Kna. O, my lord, I took him by weight, not fashion; goldsmiths' wives taught me that way of bargain, and some ladies swerve not to follow the example.
L. Beau. But will you not tell me who is your private friend?
Mis. Kna. Yes, and[890] you’ll tell me who is yours.
L. Beau. Shall I shew you her?
Mis. Kna. Yes; when will you?
L. Beau. Instantly: look you, there you may see her.
Mis. Kna. I'll break the glass, ’tis now worth nothing.
L. Beau. Why?
Mis. Kna. You have made it a flattering one.
L. Beau. I have a summer-house for you, a fine place to flatter solitariness; will you come and lie there?
Mis. Kna. No, my lord.
L. Beau. Your husband has promised me; will you not?
Mis. Kna. I must wink, I tell you, or say nothing.
L. Beau. So, I'll kiss you and wink too [kisses her]; midnight is Cupid’s holyday.
Kna. By this time ’tis concluded.—Will you go, my lord?
L. Beau. I leave with you my best wishes till I see you.
Kna. This now, if I may borrow our lawyer’s phrase, is my wife’s imparlance; at her next appearance she must answer your declaration.
L. Beau. You follow it well, sir.
Mis. W.-Cam. I do lack content, sir, content I lack; have you or your worshipful master here any content to sell?
Geo. If content be a stuff to be sold by the yard, you may have content at home, and never go abroad for’t.
Mis. W.-Cam. Do, cut me three yards; I'll pay for ’em.
Geo. There’s all we have i' the shop; we must know what you’ll give for ’em first.
Geo. Shall I not follow my trade? I'm bound to’t, and my master bound to bring me up in’t.
Geo. Give her not an inch, master, she’ll take two ells if you do.
Geo. Yes indeed, forsooth, she spoke to us, but chiefly to Ralph, because she knows he has but one stone.
Ral. No more of that, if you love me, George; this is not the way to keep a quiet house.
Edw. Why did you not speak for me with you then, and said we could not have done so?
W.-Cam. No more, sweet cousins, now.—Speak, George, customers approach.
G. Cres. Is the barber prepared?
Frank. jun. With ignorance enough to go through with it; so near I am to him, we must call cousins; would thou wert as sure to hit the tailor!
G. Cres. If I do not steal away handsomely, let me never play the tailor again.
Geo. What is’t you lack? &c.
Frank. jun. Good satins, sir.
Geo. The best in Europe, sir; here’s a piece worth a piece every yard of him; the king of Naples wears no better silk; mark his gloss, he dazzles the eye to look upon him.
Frank. jun. Is he not gummed?[904]
Geo. Gummed! he has neither mouth nor tooth, how can he be gummed?
Frank. jun. Very pretty.
W.-Cam. An especial good piece of silk; the worm never spun a finer thread, believe it, sir.
Frank. jun. Gascoyn, you have some skill in it.
W.-Cam. Your tailor, sir?
Frank. jun. Yes, sir.
G. Cres. A good piece, sir; but let’s see more choice.
Ral. Tailor, drive thorough; you know your bribes.
G. Cres. Mum: he bestows forty pounds, if I say the word.
Ral. Strike through; there’s poundage for you then.
Frank. jun. Ay, marry, I like this better.—What sayst thou, Gascoyn?
G. Cres. A good piece indeed, sir.
Geo. The great Turk has worse satin at’s elbow than this, sir.
Frank. jun. The price?
W.-Cam. Look on the mark, George.
Geo. O, Souse and P, by my facks, sir.
W.-Cam. The best sort then; sixteen a yard, nothing to be bated.
Frank. jun. Fie, sir, fifteen’s too high, yet so.—How[905] many yards will serve for my suit, sirrah?
G. Cres. Nine yards, you can have no less, sir Andrew.
Frank. jun. But I can, sir, if you please to steal less; I had but eight in my last suit.
G. Cres. You pinch us too near, in faith, sir Andrew.
Frank. jun. Yet can you pinch out a false pair of sleeves to a friezado doublet.
Geo. No, sir; some purses and pin-pillows perhaps: a tailor pays for his kissing that ways.
Frank. jun. Well, sir, eight yards; eight fifteens I give, and cut it.
W.-Cam. I cannot, truly, sir.
Geo. My master must be no subsidy-man, sir, if he take such fifteens.
Frank. jun. I am at highest, sir, if you can take money.
W.-Cam. Well, sir, I'll give you the buying once; I hope to gain it in your custom: want you nothing else, sir?
Frank. jun. Not at this time, sir.
G. Cres. Indeed but you do, sir Andrew; I must needs deliver my lady’s message to you, she enjoined me by oath to do it; she commanded me to move you for a new gown.
Frank. jun. Sirrah, I'll break your head, if you motion it again.
G. Cres. I must endanger myself for my lady, sir: you know she’s to go to my lady Trenchmore’s wedding; and to be seen there without a new gown! she’ll have ne’er an eye to be seen there, for her fingers in ’em: nay, by my fack, sir, I do not think she’ll go; and then, the cause known, what a discredit 'twill be to you!
Frank. jun. Not a word more, goodman snip-snapper, for your ears.—What comes this to, sir?
W.-Cam. Six pound, sir.
Frank. jun. There’s your money. [Gives money.]—Will you take this, and be gone and about your business presently?
G. Cres. Troth, sir, I'll see some stuffs for my lady first; I'll tell her, at least, I did my good will.—A fair piece of cloth-of-silver, pray you, now.
Geo. Or cloth-of-gold, if you please, sir, as rich as ever the Sophy wore.
Frank. jun. You are the arrantest villain of a tailor that ever sat cross-legged; what do you think a gown of this stuff will come to?
G. Cres. Why, say it be forty pound, sir, what’s that to you? three thousand a-year I hope will maintain it.
Frank. jun. It will, sir; very good, you were best be my overseer: say I be not furnished with money, how then?
G. Cres. A very fine excuse in you! which place of ten now will you send me for a hundred pound, to bring it presently?
W.-Cam. Sir, sir, your tailor persuades you well; ’tis for your credit and the great content of your lady.
Frank. jun. ’Tis for your content, sir, and my charges.—Never think, goodman false-stitch, to come to the mercer’s with me again: pray, will you see if my cousin Sweetball the barber—he’s nearest hand—be furnished, and bring me word instantly.
G. Cres. I fly, sir. [Exit.
Frank. jun. You may fly, sir, you have clipt somebody’s wings for it, to piece out your own; an arrant thief you are!
W.-Cam. Indeed he speaks honestly and justly, sir.
Frank. jun. You expect some gain, sir, there’s your cause of love.
W.-Cam. Surely I do a little, sir.
Frank. jun. And what might be the price of this?
W.-Cam. This is thirty a yard; but if you’ll go to forty, here’s a nonpareil.
Frank. jun. So, there’s a matter of forty pound for a gown-cloth?
W.-Cam. Thereabouts, sir: why, sir, there are far short of your means that wear the like.
Frank. jun. Do you know my means, sir?
Geo. By overhearing your tailor, sir,—three thousand a-year; but if you’d have a petticoat for your lady, here’s a stuff.
Frank. jun. Are you another tailor, sirrah? here’s a knave! what are you?
Geo. You are such another gentleman! but for the stuff, sir, ’tis L.SS. and K, for the turn stript[906] a' purpose; a yard and a quarter broad too, which is the just depth of a woman’s petticoat.
Frank. jun. And why stript for a petticoat?
Geo. Because if they abuse their petticoats, there are abuses stript; then ’tis taking them up, and they may be stript and whipt too.[907]
Frank. jun. Very ingenious!
Geo. Then it is likewise stript standing, between which is discovered the open part, which is now called the placket.[908]
Frank. jun. Why, was it ever called otherwise?
Geo. Yes; while the word remained pure in his original, the Latin tongue, who have no K's, it was called the placet; a placendo, a thing or place to please.
Frank. jun. Better and worse still.— Now, sir, you come in haste; what says my cousin?
G. Cres. Protest, sir, he’s half angry, that either you should think him unfurnished, or not furnished for your use; there’s a hundred pound ready for you: he desires you to pardon his coming; his folks are busy, and his wife trimming a gentleman; but at your first approach the money wants but telling.
Frank. jun. He would not trust you with it—I con him thanks[909]—for that he knows what trade you are of.—Well, sir, pray, cut him patterns; he may in the meantime know my lady’s liking: let your man take the pieces whole, with the lowest prices, and walk with me to my cousin’s.
W.-Cam. With all my heart, sir.—Ralph, your cloak, and go with the gentleman: look you give good measure.
G. Cres. Look you carry a good yard with you.
Ral. The best i' the shop, sir; yet we have none bad.—You’ll have the stuff for the petticoat too?
Frank. jun. No, sir, the gown only.
G. Cres. By all means, sir: not the petticoat? that were holy-day upon working-day, i’faith.
Frank. jun. You are so forward for a knave,[910] sir!
G. Cres. ’Tis for your credit and my lady’s both I do it, sir.
Frank. jun. Your man is trusty, sir?
W.-Cam. O sir, we keep none but those we dare trust, sir.—Ralph, have a care of light gold.
Ral. I warrant you, sir, I'll take none.
Frank. jun. Come, sirrah.—Fare you well, sir.
W.-Cam. Pray, know my shop another time, sir.
Frank. jun. That I shall, sir, from all the shops i' the town; ’tis the Lamb in Lombard Street.
[Exent Franklin jun., G. Cressingham, and Ralph carrying the stuffs and a yard-measure.
Geo. A good morning’s work, sir; if this custom would but last long, you might shut up your shop and live privately.
W.-Cam. O George, but here’s a grief that takes away all the gains and joy of all my thrift.
Geo. What’s that, sir?
W.-Cam. Thy mistress, George; her frowardness sours all my comfort.
Geo. Alas, sir, they are but squibs and crackers, they’ll soon die; you know her flashes of old.
Geo. She has discharged herself now, sir; you need not fear her.
W.-Cam. No man can love without his affliction, George.
Geo. As you cannot without my mistress.
W.-Cam. Right, right;[911] there’s harmony in discords: this lamp of love, while any oil is left, can never be extinct; it may, like a snuff, wink and seem to die, but up he will again and shew his head: I cannot be quiet, George, without my wife at home.
Geo. And when she’s at home you’re never quiet, I'm sure; a fine life you have on’t! Well, sir, I'll do my best to find her, and bring her back, if I can.
Enter Franklin jun. and George Cressingham disguised as before, Ralph carrying the stuffs and a yard-measure, Sweetball, and Boy.
Sweet. Were it of greater moment than you speak of, noble sir, I hope you think me sufficient, and it shall be effectually performed.
Frank. jun. I could wish your wife did not know it, coz; women’s tongues are not always tuneable; I may many ways requite it.
Sweet. Believe me, she shall not, sir; which will be the hardest thing of all.
Frank. jun. Pray you, despatch him then.
Sweet. With the celerity a man tells gold to him.
Frank. jun. He hits a good comparison. [Aside.]—Give my waste-good your stuffs, and go with my cousin, sir; he’ll presently despatch you.
Ral. Yes, sir. [Gives stuffs to G. Cressingham.
Sweet. Come with me, youth, I am ready for you in my more private chamber.
Frank. jun. Sirrah, go you shew your lady the stuffs, and let her choose her colour; away, you know whither.—Boy, prithee, lend me a brush i' the meantime.—Do you tarry all day now?
G. Cres. That I will, sir, and all night too, ere I come again. [Exit with the stuffs.
Boy. Here’s a brush, sir. [Gives brush.
Frank. jun. A good child.
Sweet. [within] What, Toby!
Boy. Anon, sir.
Sweet. [within] Why, when,[912] goodman picklock?
Boy. I must attend my master, sir.—I come.
Sweet. So, friend; I'll now despatch you presently.—Boy, reach me my dismembering instrument, and let my cauterizer[915] be ready; and, hark you, snip-snap——
Boy. Ay, sir.
Sweet. See if my luxinium,[916] my fomentation, be provided first; and get my rollers, bolsters,[917] and pledgets armed. [Exit Boy.
Ral. Nay, good sir, despatch my business first; I should not stay from my shop.
Sweet. You must have a little patience, sir, when you are a patient: if præputium be not too much perished, you shall lose but little by it, believe my art for that.
Ral. What’s that, sir?
Sweet. Marry, if there be exulceration between præputium and glans, by my faith, the whole penis may be endangered as far as os pubis.
Ral. What’s this you talk on, sir?
Sweet. If they be gangrened once, testiculi, vesica, and all may run to mortification.
Ral. What a pox does this barber talk on?
Sweet. O fie, youth! pox is no word of art; morbus Gallicus, or Neapolitanus, had been well: come, friend, you must not be nice; open your griefs freely to me.
Ral. Why, sir, I open my grief to you, I want my money.
Sweet. Take you no care for that; your worthy cousin has given me part in hand, and the rest I know he will upon your recovery, and I dare take his word.
Ral. ’Sdeath, where’s my ware?
Sweet. Ware! that was well; the word is cleanly, though not artful; your ware it is that I must see.
Ral. My tabine[918] and cloth-of-tissue!
Sweet. You will neither have tissue nor issue, if you linger in your malady; better a member cut off than endanger the whole microcosm.
Ral. Barber, you are not mad?
Sweet. I do begin to fear you are subject to subeth,[919] unkindly sleeps, which have bred oppilations in your brain; take heed, the symptoma will follow, and this may come to frenzy: begin with the first cause, which is the pain of your member.
Ral. Do you see my yard, barber?