Same Scene as in Act I. The PROF. has returned from town. He is half asleep in a chair at the table. His valise is lying on the floor.
PEGGY comes in cautiously from the room. She has a hat and coat and suitcase, which she hides in the lower part of the cupboard.
PEGGY [regarding PROF.]. Gracious, wasn’t mother and the Kilroys foolish to think you’d go away?… Important engagement in London.… Wake up, uncle!
PROF. [looks around and scratches his head]. I wonder to Gawd where I’m now! Paris or London.…
PEGGY. You’re all right, uncle. You’re at home … in Ireland.
PROF. [parrot-like]. Pritty Peggy.… Pritty Peggy. Lent me three pounds at five per cent.… Rich or poor you’re my uncle, Peggy.… Full or empty, welcome home.… Order! [Sleeps.]
PEGGY. It’s perfectly hopeless. [Exit back.]
PROF. [sits up again]. Whisht, Kelly! By some dispensation of Providence you can sing none. Let me try it. [Sings.]
[Scratching his head] If a man doesn’t know his friends from his foes he has only to come home broke. [Sleeps.]
JOHN comes in back. He is coatless and has the salley switch in his hand.
JOHN. Are you sleeping, Tim? [No answer.] Waken up, man! I’m going to cart you over to the other farm.…
PROF. Whisht, Kelly! You’re simply murdering that. Let me at it. [Sings]
Gum, Kelly, I’m awful homesick! I’ll go home—if I should have to walk it!
JOHN. Poor fellow.
MRS. S. comes in from the room. She has her hair done and wears a shiny silk blouse and a conspicuous watch-chain.
MRS. S. Give him a shake, man! Don’t be so gentle with him.
JOHN. I could never cart this man across, Briget, in such a condition. He’s like a lump of wet putty.
MRS. S. You’ll take him over and close him in the barn, and he’ll stay there on bread and water till I give the order to release him. I’ll not have my plans upset by such a wandering vagabond. [She grabs the switch from JOHN and hits PROF. a lick.] Waken up! or I’ll lift the bark off you.
It has no effect.
JOHN. See that now, Briget. He’s paralysed.
MRS. S. And them Kilroys coming at six o’clock!
JOHN. If we could get him upstairs, Briget … and let him lie in the back room.…
MRS. S. [explodes and batters PROF.]. Get up! Rise! Wake up—or I’ll finish you!
JOHN [takes the switch from her]. Don’t do that, woman! Don’t hammer the unfortunate.
PROF. [awake]. What’s the row?
MRS. S. Get up.
PROF. Where am I? Who struck me with the marlin spike?
MRS. S. I did. Get up.
PROF. Hallo, sister Briget! Glad to see you. [Yawns.] I’m awful tired.
MRS. S. Well, there’s a room upstairs ready for you. Go up and lie down. John’ll help you up.
PROF. What time is’t?
MRS. S. It’s bed-time.
JOHN. Ah, no, Briget. It’s not six o’clock yet.
MRS. S. [to JOHN]. Big head!
PROF. [blinking]. I’m not going to bed at six o’clock.… Like in a reformatory.… I want a drink. I’m dry.…
MRS. S. You’ll get no drink here. Not a spark.
PROF. My valise! Where’s my valise?
MRS. S. It’s here. [To JOHN] Take it up to the back room, John. Quick now.
JOHN goes off with valise.
PROF. Come back here, Johnny? Come back, you little cutworm. [Draws knife.] Gum, I’ll teach you crofters’ manners. [Goes out after JOHN.]
MRS. S. Oh, sweet bad luck to you! And the same to big, windy Kilroy, for leaving you on the platform instead of flinging you into the train.…
PEGGY comes in back.
PEGGY. What’s wrong, mother?
MRS. S. What’s not wrong?
PEGGY. Where’s uncle Tim?
MRS. S. The last I saw of him he was chasing our father upstairs with a knife. This house is going straight to the devil.
PEGGY. Gracious, he might hurt father.
MRS. S. He hasn’t the least intention of hurting father! He knows soft John too well for that.
PEGGY. There’s always something wrong in this house.
MRS. S. Yes, and there’s something wrong with you, too! You’ve been flitting about all afternoon like a ghost. Don’t tell me you haven’t, for I’ve eyes in my head.
PEGGY. Well, mother, you do have some silly notions. You’d think I was only sixteen.
MRS. S. Your age has nothing whatever to do with it. You’re under my care till Joseph Kilroy takes you off my hand, then you’ll be your own mistress.
PEGGY. You’re making a sermon out of nothing.
MRS. S. Well, I’ll cut my sermon short. You’ll marry Joseph Kilroy before you’re a week older. His mother’ll be here in a few minutes, and I’ll make my own arrangements.… Go now and close the parlour windows and have everything ready for tea.…
JOHN comes in right shaking his head.
JOHN. By the hedges, that’s a case. He lay down on the parlour floor and fell asleep.
MRS. S. [shrieks]. Why did you let him in there? Go and fetch him out of that. Don’t you know the Kilroys have to sit in there! Drag him out.
JOHN. By hokey, I’ll do nothing of the kind, Briget.… He’s that long seafaring knife in his hand, and vows he’ll give somebody the length of it.… I’ll not face him anyway.…
MRS. S. You’ll not face him! [Blazing.] But I’m the lady ’ill face him! [Stalks to the room.]
Noise from the room.
JOHN. Your mother’s getting very hard to live with, Peggy. She’s out of one tantrum into another the whole year round. I’ve made myself an old man trying to humour that woman and keep peace in the house, but it’s going to beat me in the end.
Noise from MRS. S. and PROF.
PEGGY. Listen, father. She’s giving uncle Tim a great tongue thrashing.
JOHN. She won’t shift him. You might as well try to draw the badger.
PEGGY. I thought you were going to take him over to the other farm?
JOHN. The man’s not able to go anywhere! He wants about a month’s sleep. God knows when that man got a dacent sleep. Maybe not for years.
PEGGY. Well, it’s a pity, father. The Kilroys are coming and we can’t take them into the room.
JOHN. What’s the matter with this kitchen?
PEGGY. Not a thing, father. But Mrs. Kilroy’s coming.
JOHN. And who’s Mrs. Kilroy? Is she any better than the rest of us?
PEGGY. Not a whit. But she thinks she is.
JOHN. The priest sits in this kitchen. If it’s good enough for him it’s good enough for Mrs. Kilroy. If she doesn’t think so she needn’t sit down. I’m fair sick of vanity.
PEGGY. Just a word, father, before they come in. Don’t you sign any papers for James Kilroy. Hugh O’Cahan says they have nothing.
JOHN. Do you think I don’t know what Kilroy’s here for? Do you think I don’t know what all the match-making’s about? Ho, the very best. His ill-bred son wants a settlement and there’s nothing to settle him with.…
PEGGY. They shan’t settle him with me anyhow.
JOHN. You’re right, Peggy. If I was a nice educated girl like you I’d put a shirt on Hugh O’Cahan. He’s a man with all his faults; and the other’s a prig with all his virtues.
PEGGY. Father, I never thought you could size up people so well.
JOHN. I’m not as soft as I let on, Peggy. By minding my own business I’m a strong farmer. Kilroy by minding other people’s business is a weak one. He’d ruin me now like himself, but he won’t.… I won’t let him.
PEGGY. Mother ’ill be wild if you don’t sign.
JOHN. I know, Peggy. It means civil war. But I’m prepared for war. Your mother treated me very shabby this day. Before them Kilroys too. That’s what stomachs me. It was “Silence, John!” every time I opened my mouth. Your uncle Tim said I was only a scarecrow on my own land, and he wasn’t far wrong. But, by God, the scarecrow’s tired of his job!
MRS. S. comes in baffled and angry.
MRS. S. Have you pair been here ever since?
JOHN. We were waiting for you to bring out the invader, Briget.
MRS. S. But you couldn’t come in and give me a hand!
JOHN. I knew if you couldn’t shift him yourself, nothing could shift him.
MRS. S. [to PEGGY]. Nor you didn’t think it worth while to come!
PEGGY. I was afraid, mother. He was raveling in his sleep. You never knew what he’d do.
MRS. S. Well, put on your apron and lay the table. We’ll have to entertain the Kilroys in the kitchen.
PEGGY. All right, mother. [Gets cloth.]
MRS. S. [to JOHN]. Go you and leave your cowstick outside and put something clean on your neck. You’ll be sitting at the table with Mrs. Kilroy.
JOHN. That’s a great honour.… Peggy, is there a rag of a collar about the house?
PEGGY. Your collar and tie’s here. [Gets them from drawer.]
JOHN. Put them on me, like a good gerl. My hands is dirty.
MRS. S. And so is your face! Go out and wash your face and hands at the pump.
JOHN. I’ll attend to all that in a minute, Briget.
PEGGY puts collar and tie on JOHN. MRS. S. goes to room and returns with grand red chair.
MRS. S. If I’d a man like a man, and not a jinny, he’d soon clear the room! [Goes out for another chair.]
JOHN. She’s working herself up into a serious pucker, Peggy.
PEGGY. Never mind, father.
JOHN. I’m as much to blame as herself. I let her tramp over me at the start. Before you childer grew up I was servant gerl and all here.
MRS. S. comes in with another chair.
MRS. S. If my three sons were here they’d soon clear the room! [Goes out for a plant.]
JOHN. You’d think they weren’t my sons, too, to hear her.… If ever you marry, Peggy, never treat a man like that.
PEGGY. Now, now, father. Don’t get vexed with her. After all, she’s a good mother. And she improved you.…
JOHN. She improved me, but at a terrible price.
MRS. S. comes in with large plant.
MRS. S. If these strangers weren’t coming I’d give you pair a bit of my mind! [Staring at them] Are you going to stand there thumbing and fiddling till they walk in?
JOHN. Hurry up, Peggy.
PEGGY. There you are. I’m finished.
JOHN. I’ll go now and have a nice wash at the pump. [Goes out back.]
MRS. S. Get the tablecloth.
PEGGY [gets cloth]. Will you just give them tea in their hands?
MRS. S. I’ll see when the times comes. Straighten the cloth.
PEGGY puts on cloth. MRS. S. sets plant in centre.
PEGGY [going towards cupboard]. I’ll get out the cups.…
MRS. S. Never mind the cups. I’ll get them out myself. Put on your apron.
PEGGY gets an apron and watches MRS. S. nervously. MRS. S. opens cupboard and takes out tea-things. Finally she peers into the lower part and drags out PEGGY’S hat, coat and suitcase.
PEGGY. O—h!
MRS. S. [very calm]. What are these things doing here?
PEGGY [stiffly]. I don’t know.
MRS. S. When did you put them here?
PEGGY. I don’t know.
MRS. S. Perhaps they don’t belong to you?
PEGGY. I don’t know.
MRS. S. Since you don’t appear to know anything, I must find out for myself. [Tries to open suitcase.] Where’s the key of this bag?
PEGGY. I don’t know.
MRS. S. [flies into temper and tries to smash it]. I’ll smash more than the bag before I’ve finished! There’ll be no runaway matches in my house.…
JOHN hurries in back, drying his face with an old towel.
JOHN. Here they come, Briget! The Royal Procession. James and the wife and Joseph.
MRS. S. Go you and put on your hat and coat and meet them and put in the horse and throw that old towel out of your hand!
JOHN. By the hedges, there’s a fine string of orders! [Sees suitcase.] What’s this going on?
MRS. S. Step on and do what you’re told!
JOHN. Hokey tattler! [Going.] As Tim says, it’s like a house of correction. [Goes out back.]
PEGGY. Father’s getting pretty sick of all this stupid badgering. And so am I.
MRS. S. You are?
PEGGY. I am. It makes life a burden.
MRS. S. If these strangers weren’t coming in I’d give you and your father a lesson you wouldn’t forget.…
PROF. staggers in from room.
PROF. A drink of water, please.
MRS. S. Ooooooooh!
PROF. What’s the matter with you? Gum, you’d think you’d swallowed a tenpenny nail. [To PEGGY] A glass of water, pigeon.
MRS. S. grabs hold of PROF., runs him backward, and shoots him into the room. He is heard falling.
MRS. S. There’s a glass of water for you! [She picks up hat, coat and suitcase, pitches them into the room, and locks the door.] Now! we’ll see who’s mistress here. From this night forth I’ll rule with an iron rod.…
PEGGY. I hear someone coming in.…
MRS. S. smooths hair and dress and goes to back door. MRS. KILROY comes in. She is a big vain countrywoman, aged 45, and dressed in her very best.
MRS. S. W-ell, Mrs. Kilroy! At last! [They kiss lightly.] It’s a shame to bring you in this way, but the parlour’s turned upside down for the Professor coming.…
MRS. K. This is perfection. Nothing would do Mr. Kilroy but I should come over and see Peggy. He has raved all afternoon about Peggy. And for Joseph, I declare the boy’s half crazy.
MRS. S. This is Peggy herself … just in her apron. Peggy darling, this is Mrs. Kilroy.
MRS. K. [kissing PEGGY]. Your girls are all very good-looking, Mrs. Scally, but Peggy’s the pick of the bunch.
MRS. S. The people say that anyway. The others take more after the Scallys, but Peggy favours my own people. She has the Professor’s eyes.
MRS. K. Well, Peggy dear, I hope you’ll make Joseph a good wife. He’s very young and wild and foolish, but you’re a good sensible girl.
PEGGY. I’ll do my best.
MRS. K. That pleases me better than big promises. After all, it’s a great lottery.
MRS. S. Put off your things, Mrs. Kilroy.
MRS. K. I’ll put off this jacket, I’m warm. But I’ll keep on my hat. We haven’t long to stay.
She takes off jacket, showing a formidable dress and jewellery.
MRS. S. [taking jacket]. I’ll leave your jacket in the hall. Peggy, get Mrs. Kilroy a comfortable chair. [Goes out left.]
MRS. K. Peggy dear, won’t Rush Hill make a lovely home for you and Joseph?
PEGGY. Beautiful. [Gets chair for MRS. K.]
MRS. K. [sits]. I want to ask you one thing before your mother comes in. Joseph says Hugh O’Cahan walked in here this morning and threw down your presents and told you to make jam of them. Is that true, Peggy?
PEGGY. Quite true, Mrs. Kilroy.
MRS. K. Well, that relieves my mind more than words can say.… I hear he’s going off to-night, so you’re rid of him for life and for ever. You don’t happen to know where he’s going.
PEGGY. I think Australia.
MRS. K. That’s the place for him. The farther away the better. For I’d be afraid of Joseph quarrelling with him. Joseph’s that hasty.
MRS. S. comes in and locks door.
MRS. S. Are the men not in yet? [Sits.]
MRS. K. Oh, they’ll be looking at the cattle. Joseph’s a great judge of cattle. He was at the Agricultural College, you know. [To PEGGY] Peggy dear, would you mind telling them to come in? We haven’t long to stay, for Mr. Kilroy has a Council meeting to-night.…
PEGGY goes out back.
MRS. S. Your husband’s a very busy man.
MRS. K. Fearful! I hardly ever see him. Fairs and markets and council meetings and political meetings. You may guess, one of the childer asked him the other day—“Daddy, where do you live?”
MRS. S. He’s a great man.
MRS. K. And he thinks you’re a great business woman. But indeed I’ve heard many a one praising your management. So I want to ask you about the match. Are you content with everything?
MRS. S. And was from the very first. But what about yourself? Are you content?
MRS. K. Now that I’ve seen Peggy and talked to her, I’m more than content. I’m pleased and happy.
MRS. S. Thank goodness to hear that! We’ll have the wedding immediately.
MRS. K. That brings me to what I want to say, Mrs. Scally. James—I won’t call him Mr. Kilroy any more—tells me you’ve a brother a Professor coming here.
MRS. S. Yes. I’d a letter this morning.
MRS. K. Where does he reside usually?
MRS. S. He travels a great deal.
MRS. K. James said he thought he was a Professor in Edinboro’ University.
MRS. S. No, I don’t think he belongs to that University. He travels a great deal in foreign countries.
MRS. K. Well, dear, you’ll maybe think me a very vain woman. But I’d like to have the Professor at the wedding. It would give a bit of tone to it and lift it above the ordinary country wedding.
MRS. S. I’d like to have the Professor there myself. But it mightn’t fit in with his plans.
MRS. K. Could we not make our plans fit in with his?
MRS. S. Perhaps we could. I’ll see. If it can possibly be arranged I’ll have him at the wedding.
MRS. K. That’s grand. I’m glad I mentioned it. I’m content now.
PEGGY comes in back.
PEGGY. They’re coming in. They were looking at the new binder.…
KILROY, JOSEPH, and JOHN come in back. JOHN has on his black coat and hat.
KILROY. Well, have you ladies had a nice sumptuous crack about the latest hats and all the falderals?
MRS. S. We never mentioned a hat, James, nor a falderal. But we’d a very pleasant chat just the same.
KILROY [slapping wife’s shoulder]. Doesn’t this caretaker of mine wear well?
MRS. S. Remarkable! She’s still the best-looking woman and the best put-on woman that comes into the chapel.
KILROY. Do you hear that, Ellen? [Slaps.] And that’s from a lady that flatters nobody. [Slaps.] She’s as good as new, Briget.
MRS. K. Sit down now and behave yourself. If I was gone you’d have a young one before a week.
KILROY. Haha! She wouldn’t say that so gaily if she believed it.
MRS. S. Not a bit of her.… Now, Peggy, make the tea.
PEGGY sees them all seated at table, then starts making tea.
JOHN. Strong, Peggy. I want a good strong cup. [Holds his head.]
MRS. S. Joseph, you’re very quiet.
MRS. K. That’s because I’m here.
JOSEPH [mutters]. Awwwwwh! [Hangs his head.]
MRS. S. takes a bottle of wine and glasses from cupboard.
MRS. S. This won’t do anybody any harm. It’s only wine. [Pours a glass for each.] Will you have some, Peggy? It’s not every night this happens.
PEGGY. Thanks, mother. I’ll wait and have tea.
MRS. S. All right, dear. [Puts round the wine.]
KILROY [stands up]. I’m not going to make a speech. I’m only going to say a few words. Briget, I want you and my Ellen to be very great friends. Very great friends. In fact, this wedding ’ill make us more than friends. It’ll make us near relations.…
MRS. S. Hear, hear!
KILROY. With your own two farms and Rush Hill all lying in together, we practically own the landscape.…
PROF. makes a racket at room door.
PROF. [off]. Open this door!
KILROY [shudders but tries to proceed]. We’ll drink now to the prosperity of the young couple. That they may … may … may may.… [He can’t get another word.]
PROF. [giving door a heavy thud]. Open up, you clodhoppers! Or I’ll batter it down.
MRS. S. [in desperation]. Go on, James! Go on with your speech.…
KILROY. That they may … may … always … always … always … have the grace … grace … grace … to always.…
Another heavy smash on the door.
PROF. [off, yells]. Open! Open! Open this door.
MRS. K. [frightened]. In God’s holy name, who’s that?
PROF. [off, loudly]. It’s me! Professor Tim! Sister Briget has locked me in—trying to hide me! [Kicks the door.]
KILROY. Ah, Mrs. Scally! [Collapses on chair.]
MRS. S. [rising]. I may just as well tell the truth, Mrs. Kilroy. It’s my brother. And he’s no credit to me. He’s not the man I expected.
MRS. K. Not the Professor, is it?
PROF. [off]. It is the Professor! Professor Tim. Open up!
JOHN. You may open the door, Briget.
MRS. S. He’s not … not presentable.
JOHN. If you don’t open the door he’ll present himself. He’ll come through it.
MRS. S. [goes to open door]. Lie down on the sofa, Tim. And rest yourself. We’ve visitors.
PROF. [off]. Open up! Amn’t I a visitor, too?
MRS. S. Ah, this is cruel!
She unlocks door and PROF. comes in.
PROF. You thought you’d killed me, Briget. Eh?
MRS. S. Whisht, now.… You tripped over something.
PROF. I tripped over nothing at all. You gimme a heave that sent me heels over kettle.… Here, feel this lump.… [on his head].
MRS. S. Nonsense, Tim. You only imagine things.…
PROF. Imagination doesn’t raise a lump on a man’s head like an onion. [Fingers lump gingerly.]
MRS. S. Your head’s all wrong.
PROF. My head was all right till you smashed it.
MRS. S. [to company]. He’s half dazed.…
PROF. I’m whole dazed with that unmerciful fall you gimme. [Draws knife.] For two pins I’d slit you!
MRS. K. [screams]. Oh, James! he’s a knife.
MRS. S. runs away. PEGGY goes to PROF.
PEGGY. Give me that knife. [She gets knife.] I’ll keep it safe, uncle.
PROF. You’d better, pigeon. For that’s the knife I cut my food and baccy with.
PEGGY. Come and sit down.
PROF. [coming to table]. Hallo, all! Who’s this smashing big heifer in the hat?
MRS. K. [afraid]. James!
KILROY. It’s all right, Ellen. He’ll not touch you. [To PROF.] That’s my wife, sir, Mrs. Kilroy. Isn’t she a good specimen?
PROF. Gum, I should say so. She’s like a Burmese idol.
MRS. K. [jumps up]. James Kilroy, I’m going out of this place!
PROF. Sit down, dear. Sit down. I won’t eat you. You’re not my style of muslin.…
MRS. K. How dare you speak to me!… James Kilroy, both you and your son told me a parcel of lies! You told me this man was a Professor in Edinburgh University.…
PROF. Gum, that was a whopper.
MRS. K. And Mrs. Scally backed you up in deceiving me! [To MRS. S.] You and your Professor! A drunken sailor! [Marches out back.]
KILROY [rising]. Come back, Ellen. Don’t go away.… [To MRS. S.] Briget, get this man put out of the road. Put him in the churn and put the lid on him.… I’ll fetch Ellen back in a minute.… [Hurries out back.]
PROF. I’m tired. [Sits.]
JOSEPH. Will this matter to you and me, Peggy?
PEGGY. It won’t matter to me, Joseph.
JOSEPH. No, nor to me.… I don’t care if the Professor was ten times as bad a case.… Nor my father doesn’t care either.…
PROF. Nor your mother won’t care either, Joseph.… Wait till she hears what your father has to say outside. She’ll come in and eat out of my hand.…
JOSEPH. Awwwh!
PROF. What are you trying to say? Gum, if I strike you I’ll change the whole shape of your face. You oaf.
MRS. S. Tim, I’ll forgive you a lot if you go and lie down in the room for half an hour.…
PROF. I don’t think you’ve a great lot to forgive.… I think I’m the injured party.…
KILROY and MRS. K. come in back. He is very red and embarrassed, she very crestfallen.
KILROY. We’re all right now. Sit down, Ellen. Sit down.
KILROY and MRS. K. resume their places at table.
PROF. Mrs. … Mrs. … Kilroy, I apologise. I’ll behave myself like a gentleman and a scholar. I’m tired.
KILROY. There now, Ellen. He won’t bother us again. He’s not that bad after all. [Takes up glass.] Come on now. Let’s all be the best of friends. Here’s luck and prosperity and wedding bells. Drink up, Ellen.…
All drink.
PEGGY. Uncle, will you have some wine?
PROF. No, dear. I’ve the pledge, for life.
MRS. S. Tea, Peggy.
PEGGY is pouring out tea when MR. ALLISON comes in back. He has a bundle of papers in his hand.
ALLISON. Well, Professor, are you still here?
PROF. No, I’m evaporated.
KILROY. Nothing wrong, Mr. Allison?
ALLISON. Not a thing the matter, James. I was over at your place and was told you were here. The Bank wants this agreement signed by you and John Scally to-night.…
JOHN. Me! What does the Bank want me to sign?
MRS. S. Silence, John!
JOHN. This is too sarious for silence! [To ALLISON] What business have you or the Bank with me?
MRS. S. James Kilroy bought Rush Hill on the understanding that you would go in with him as security.…
JOHN. James Kilroy never mentioned the like to me!
MRS. S. But he mentioned it to me! I said you’d do it and you shall!
JOHN [bouncing up]. Well, I’m cursed if I shall!
PROF. Bully Johnny! Your “shall’s” not geographically correct, but that’s only a detail.
JOHN. I know myself what I mean. I’ll sign no bills! No bills. [Sits.]
MRS. S. Mr. Allison, have you the papers here?
ALLISON. Yes, ma’am. [Takes paper from bundle.]
MRS. S. Hand it to me and a pen.
ALLISON [gives her both]. Your husband signs there [points].
PROF. Now, Johnny! You’re going to get your new spine tested.
MRS. S. [places pen and paper under JOHN’S nose]. John Scally, you never disobeyed me since the morning I married you! I told James Kilroy to buy Rush Hill and you would sign this paper. He’s making a home for your daughter. Now then. Take the pen in your hand and write your name.…
JOHN [wavering]. I’d rather not, Briget.…
MRS. S. Lift the pen!
JOHN [picks up pen, he is trembling violently]. I know nothing about Banks or bills.…
MRS. S. Write your name!
JOHN [hesitating]. I know in my heart I shouldn’t do this.…
PROF. Johnny Scally! if you sign that paper every small boy in the parish ’ll laff at you.
JOHN [throws down pen and jumps up]. I’m cursed over again if I sign it! [Sweeps pen and paper and tumblers off table.] Take the whole thing away to blazes out of my sight and sign it yourselves!
PROF. Bully Johnny! That’s the first time I’ve ever seen you in pants.
JOHN [raging]. I’ll not be made a scarecrow of any longer! Nobody ever signed a bill for me, and I’ll sign nothing for no man! [Sits down.]
MRS. S. I’ll not affront myself before these people, John, but I’ll make you rue this night’s work.
JOHN. From this night forth—aye, from this minute—you’ll take your own place in this house and I’ll take mine!
PROF. Sit down, sister. You’re beaten to the ropes. Your despotic reign is over. Johnny’s cock of the walk.
O’C. comes in back. He wears a tweed suit and has an overcoat and suitcase.
O’C. I apologise for interrupting the picnic. But I want one word with you, Mr. Allison.
ALLISON. Shall we go outside?
O’C. It isn’t necessary. I’m going off to-night. There’s the key of Rush Hill. That’ll save you any trouble.
ALLISON [taking key]. O’Cahan, you’re a prince.
O’C. Don’t mention it.
PEGGY goes off quietly to the room.
ALLISON. I’ve a car, Hugh. Won’t you let me drive you in?
O’C. I’ll be very glad of a lift. I don’t think I ever walked to town in my life. [Turns to JOHN] John, I owe you forty pounds for a foal.
JOHN [angrily]. You owe me nothing! You buried the foal.…
O’C. [taking out roll of money]. You couldn’t help that, John. It might as readily have won the Derby. There’s your money. [Lays it on the table.]
JOHN. Will you take a luckpenny?
O’C. A luckpenny for a dead foal! Ah, John, that’s too thin!
JOHN. Will you let me shake hands with you?
O’C [holding out his hand]. I’m very glad you want to, John. [They shake.]
JOHN. Good-bye, Hugh. And remember this: John Scally always wished you well.
O’C. Thanks, John. I always thought so.
PEGGY comes in dressed for travelling.
PEGGY. Now, Hugh. Are you ready?
MRS. S. [jumps up]. What! Where are you going, Peggy?
PEGGY. I don’t really know yet. Wherever Hugh’s going.
PROF. Bully Peggy?
MRS. S. Peggy Scally, you’re mad! You won’t cross the threshold this night!
PEGGY. Hugh, I’m going with you. Take me out of this.
O’C. I will, Peggy, and I don’t think anyone present—or all of them—will try to stop me.
PROF. Now, Joseph, there’s a chance for you to get knocked flat.
MRS. S. John Scally, save your daughter! She won’t heed me any more.
JOHN [rising]. Do nothing rash, Peggy. You’re a good girl.
PEGGY. I’m doing nothing rash, father. I was engaged to Hugh O’Cahan when he had plenty. I’m going with him now when he has nothing.
PROF. Gum, she’s a thick and thinner.
JOHN. By the hedges, she put that plain and dacent. I’m proud of my Peggy.… Hugh O’Cahan, you don’t know what you’re getting. It’s not because she’s my daughter. But no man in the world is good enough for Peggy Scally to clean her feet on.
O’C. That’s the one thing I do know, John.
JOHN. But she’s going with you, and I won’t try to stop her.… Lord, I wish you were staying at home … that I could see Peggy whiles.… But here’s an offer. You’ll stay here another week and get married decently, and I’ll give Peggy her fortune.
O’C. You’re manly, John. You always were. But I won’t take any fortune with Peggy. I want to throw off my coat and vest and work.… I’m going to prophesy now. [He looks at the KILROYS] You people have got Rush Hill. But if I live I’ll come back and root you out of it! If I die a son of mine will come back and root you out of it! But I believe I’ll come back myself, and bring Peggy back to Rush Hill.
PROF. That’s inspiration. If a man holds on to that he can crush the earth like an eggshell. He can break the Wheel that tried to break him.
JOHN. Peggy, you and me was always the best of friends. I never seen your frown. Won’t you make Hugh wait here another week?
PEGGY. We’ll do as father says, Hugh.
O’C. Right you are, Peggy. You’re the law and the prophets.
JOHN. Hugh O’Cahan, I’ll say out before all these people what was always in my mind. I always had a great grah for you. You were a wild fella but a good fella. You as good as gimme a brown mare that has made me a power of money with her foals.…
O’C. Never mind about the brown mare, John. I took a profit on her. Tell us some of the wild deeds.
JOHN. Well, you went too fast, Hugh. That’s the short way of putting it.
PROF. That takes in wine, women, and cards.…
JOHN. And leppin’ horses.
O’C. How much, John, do you reckon I’ve spent on wine, women and cards and leppin’ horses since my uncle died?
JOHN. Some says fifty thousand pounds, and some twice that.
O’C. Mr. Allison, how much has the Bank against Rush Hill?
ALLISON. Four thousand pounds!
O’C. How much had the Bank against it when uncle Hugh died?
ALLISON. The same—four thousand pounds.
O’C. There you are, John. It isn’t hard to earn a local reputation for riotous living. As a matter of fact, I never had the ghost of a chance.
JOHN. By the hedges, I’d rather hear that than a thousand pound! [Sits down.]
PROF. Come and sit down, Hugh. Gum, I’m proud of my sex. A young Irishman’s the noblest work of God.
O’C. sits.
KILROY [rising]. Mr. Allison, I want to speak to you.
KILROY and ALLISON go out back.
PEGGY [puts off coat and hat]. Shall I pour out the tea, mother?
PROF. Gum, she’s a cool one. As the poet says, “Mistress of herself, though china fall.”
MRS. K. No tea for me. My jacket, please!
MRS. S. I’ll get it. [Goes out for it.]
MRS. K. Go and put the horse in the trap, Joseph. You’ve had a very narrow escape.…
JOSEPH [rising]. I’ve Rush Hill anyway. And I can marry any gerril I like in two counties. I don’t want anybody’s leavings.… [Going to the door back] Look at this circus.…
JOSEPH stands aside to allow MOLL and PADDY to come in. Both have been weeping. MOLL is still sniffing audibly. She has on the new hat and dress, carries a big, ungainly bundle, and has a cat in a basket. PADDY has a saddle and bridle and other riding tackle strung about him.
MOLL [not seeing O’C.]. We’ve seen the last av him … and the last av Rush Hill. [Sniffs.] Och, hum! we’re all homeless this night, and broken-hearted as a motherless colt.… May the holy saints—Colum, Patrick, and Brigid—be with him wherever he goes.…
O’C. Amen, Moll. The saints are all here.
MOLL. Oh, sweet heavens! Gimme another look at you.… [Peering at him] I can hardly see you for my crying eyes.…
PEGGY [placing a chair]. Sit down, Moll, and take a good look at him.… What have you got in the basket?
MOLL. Ach, sure it’s the cat. Toby. We couldn’t lave him behind us to be starved and beaten to death by the Kilroys. [Sits.] Och, hum.
JOSEPH. Awwwwh! [Goes out.]
PEGGY [with a chair]. Sit down, Paddy. We’re having tea.
PADDY [sits]. It’s good to be all here—if only for a minute—as the swallows light on the road.
MRS. K. [loudly]. My jacket! My jacket!
MRS. S. comes in with jacket.
MRS. S. This is getting a very distinguished gathering!
PROF. “Go ye out into the highways and byeways,” etc., etc.
JOHN. Briget, don’t be harsh. They’ve no home. Moll Flanagan has the homeless cat in that basket. That’s a lesson to us all.
MRS. S. You’d think to hear you that I was a hard-hearted woman. But I’ll let you see our mistake. If Peggy’s going away I’ll keep Moll Flanagan and the cat as long as they like to stay.
JOHN. Good, Briget. I know’d the homeless cat would touch the heart.… And Paddy could give the boys a hand with the harvest.…
PEGGY. Moll, I’m going away with Hugh. Will you stay here till I send for you?
MOLL. I will—if it was fifty years!
O’C. Paddy, you can hang around here, too, and give John a hand with the horses, till you hear from me. That won’t be long.
PADDY. Right, master. It can’t be too soon for me. [Pulls the hat over his eyes.]
PROF. [rising]. Lucky devil, O’Cahan! Youth, love, friendship, devotion, and the cat for luck.… My valise.… Gum, I’m dry. [He goes to the room.]
MRS. K. Mrs. Scally, I’ll take my jacket now. You’ll have a fine collection here after a bit.…
MRS. S. [giving her jacket]. Thank God, Mrs. Kilroy, there’s plenty for them to eat. And we’ll not ask you to bail us if we want more.…
JOHN. Holy tattler! That’s a posey! Outrageous, Briget! Atrocious!
KILROY and ALLISON come in. KILROY has a paper in his hand.
KILROY [to JOHN]. Now, Scally, as man to man—will you go bail with me and two other good men for Rush Hill?
MRS. S. He’ll do nothing of the sort. John has more good sense than all in the house. I just see that now, that bail’s a near cut to the poor-house.
JOHN. Thank you, Briget.
KILROY. That ends it. [Tears the agreement.] The deal’s off, Allison. You can give Rush Hill to some of your Freemason friends. My opinion is you never wanted me to get it.
ALLISON. You carry the sting in your tail, James. But for once in a way you’re right. I didn’t want you to get it. Nor any of my Freemason friends either. I wanted Rush Hill to remain with O’Cahan. And it does!
O’C. Allison … Sam … that’s a cruel sort of joke.…
ALLISON. It’s no joke, young man. I don’t make jokes like that. [Holds up papers.] It’s all here. The deeds and documents of Rush Hill. Your mortgages are paid—a clean wipe out.
O’C. [gasping]. Allison … you wouldn’t.… I know you wouldn’t.…
ALLISON [looking round]. Where’s the Professor?
PEGGY. He’s in the room.
ALLISON [lowering his voice]. We people have been making sad fools of ourselves. Mrs. Scally, you ought to’ve known better. You knew the brother was always a little eccentric.… The man’s a real Professor of Geology. A big man in the world. And very wealthy. He’s tons of it.
MRS. S. My God! has he been acting?
ALLISON. Aye, and doing it not badly. I tell you I was with him in the Bank for two hours, and ’twas an eye-opener to me. He’s been in the East—Chief of a Geological Expedition—and he’s worth a pot of money.
JOSEPH comes in back with eyes bulging.
JOSEPH. Lord save us! There’s a waggon-load of stuff come for the Professor—trunks, bags, golf sticks, and fishing-rods—like a load of hay!
JOSEPH runs out again.
ALLISON. I told you so.
PROF. comes in from the room, suitably dressed, a touch of distinction about himself and his clothes.
PROF. I’ve some luggage at the front door. But I’ve told the man to wait. Part of it is going over to Rush Hill, and part of it staying here. [With a quaint smile] I’ve been enjoying myself. But my little experiment is at an end. On the whole it has yielded good results. I’ve found some hearts of gold.
ALLISON [handing him papers]. You’ve the deeds and old mortgages all there, Professor. Some of them haven’t seen daylight for a hundred years.
JOSEPH comes in quietly at back.
PROF. [takes papers]. Give me the key. [ALLISON gives key.] Come here, Peggy. [She goes to him.] You gave me a kindly welcome to-day, and three pounds. Do you remember?
PEGGY. Y-es.
PROF. There’s part of your reward. [Hands her papers and key.] A wedding present.
PEGGY [after a pause]. Uncle … I’m going to cry.…
PROF. Ah, Peggy, don’t be so obvious. Tears are as common as rain-water. Do something original.
PEGGY. Can I do with these what I like, uncle?
PROF. Do with them whatever you please, Peggy. Light your pipe with them.
PEGGY [hands all to O’C.]. You’re a great prophet, dear. Without going away you’re coming back to Rush Hill.… Say something, Hugh.
O’C. damps his lips and tries to speak, but in vain.
PROF. Don’t open your lips, young man, or your heart ’ill fly out. I can hear it beating against the roof of your mouth.
PEGGY [petting him]. Try again, Hugh. [O’C. shakes his head.] You see, uncle, he hasn’t had much practice in thanking his lucky stars. That’s why he can’t speak now. He’s so much finer in defeat.
PROF. It depends on what a man’s best used to, Peggy.
O’C. [shaking himself]. I can speak now. [Shakes hands with PROF.] I suppose I may call you uncle?
PROF. Yes, it’s only a little ante-dated.
O’C. It’ll take some time for me to realise what has happened. For the last ten days I’ve been like a blind man. One smash coming after another, old friends disappearing as if by magic, and the future as black as the inside of a cloud. Leaving Rush Hill to-night was like walking out to be hanged.
PROF. Sonny, you please me well. You pleased me to-day at the auction, when the world was falling in pieces about your ears. That’s when a man stands out. Not when he’s eating strawberries and cream. If you call a boy after me I’ll put six figures to his name.
ALLISON. And never miss it!
PADDY. In sowl, at that rate, we’ll call a dozen for him.
MOLL. Pad-ee! have some morals.
PROF. For the rest of my life I want to spend half time in this house and the other half at Rush Hill. Can I have a room there facing the south?
O’C. Can Peggy and I have a room there facing anywhere? The rest belongs to you. Peggy and I are your tenants.
PROF. Good. I’ll be a bachelor and a family man combined. We can have everything we want at Rush Hill. And Peggy the undisputed boss of the show. You hear that, Peggy!
PEGGY. I should think I do, uncle.… And you hear it, Hugh? No more double-banks or champion stone walls. I don’t want to be left a widow at Rush Hill.
O’C. Before all these witnesses, Peggy, I hand you the whip and the reins. [Gives PADDY the key.] Take the key, Paddy, and turn up the lights. I’ll be over after you directly.
PADDY. Come on, Moll Flanagan. Get into your gear. I’m sorry I bought you all that finery.… Bring Toby and all with you.…
MOLL [struggling to her feet]. Oh, Lord above! The torrents of joy’s killing me.…
PEGGY gets PADDY and MOLL ready for the road.
PROF. Paddy Kinney!
PADDY. Yes, your honour, Professor.
PROF. You gave me two shillings to-day.
PADDY [embarrassed]. Ah, God forgimme, Professor! Sure I thought you were as poor as myself.
PROF. I’ll give you two hundred pounds if you kiss Moll Flanagan in that hat and dress.
PADDY. Well, in sowl, it’s a big lump of money.…
MOLL. Daar ye! Daar ye!
PADDY kisses MOLL.
PROF. I’ll give you five hundred pounds, Paddy, and build you a cottage if you marry Moll Flanagan inside thirty days.
PADDY. Well, you’ll pay that bonus, Professor, in one fortnight.
MOLL. I wouldn’t like to say but you’re right, Paddy. For that bonus would drive anyone to it.
PADDY. Come on, then. You’re going to get me after all.… Turn your head for home. We left Rush Hill, carriage paid for destruction, and we’re going back to begin a golden age.… Good bless Professor Tim!
MOLL. Amen. May he live for ever.
PADDY and MOLL go out back.
KILROY [rising]. We may as well go home, Ellen.
PROF. James Kilroy, you’re a good Irishman. You put a pound note in my hand at the station.…
KILROY. I wish from my heart I’d had nothing to do with Rush Hill.
PROF. Sit down, James, and smoke a cigar.
JOHN. Sit down, James.
KILROY sits down.
PROF. Peggy, you’ll find a box of cigars in my valise.
PEGGY. All right, uncle. [Goes into the room.]
PROF. Hugh, would you mind telling Peggy it’s the small flat box I want?
O’C. The mild ones.… [Goes to room scratching his head.]
ALLISON. May I stay and smoke a cigar, Professor?
PROF. I’ll be very glad if you will.
MRS. K. Keep up your heart, Joseph. Mrs. Scally has more daughters than Peggy.
JOSEPH. I’d marry any of the other three … any one of them that would have me.
PROF. You’re what’s called a marrying man, Joseph.
JOSEPH. Yes, sur.
PEGGY comes in with cigars, followed by O’C., who hands her a sidecomb.
PEGGY. Joseph, you ought to set your cap for Susan. I know she likes you, and she’s been frightfully jealous of me.…
JOSEPH [brightening]. Will you speak to Susan for me, Peggy?
PEGGY. I will indeed, Joseph.
JOSEPH. Mrs. Scally, will you speak for me, too?
MRS. S. [in a low voice]. I’ll see, Joseph. [Pause.] If God spares me, I mean to talk less.… [Rising] I’ll go to my room for half an hour.… I’m feeling upset.…
PEGGY [throwing her arms round MRS. S.’S neck]. Mother! don’t leave us! [Sets her down and kisses her.] Sure you’ve made us all what we are!… Come here, Hugh, and kiss mother.
PROF. That’s a tall order, Hugh.
O’C. Not before the crowd, Peggy. But some other time [shaking hands with MRS. S.]. My dear mother, you’re the only living thing I was ever afraid of. And that was because I was very often ashamed of myself.
MRS. S. God bless you, Hugh. I was always anxious about Peggy.
JOHN. By the hedges, it’s grand! It’s outrageous. Atrocious!
PEGGY. And uncle Tim has had his little joke, mother. He must have counted the cost and known what to expect—especially if he took snuff.
PROF. [chuckling]. Gum, yes. I got off very lightly, more so than I deserved.… Shake hands, sister Biddy. [They shake.] Like every good Irish mother, you’ve a sharp tongue and a good vocabulary. And it needs both to bring up a big family of boys and girls.
MRS. S. [drying her eyes]. We’ve seven of the best children in the world.
JOHN. As straight as seven dies.
PROF. Glad to hear it. And glad to be home. Have a cigar, friends? I bought these cigars in Bombay.