She-Angle
Why, yes, I think so. At least as much as any one does. But let’s not discuss that. I won’t murder him and I won’t have him murdered!
Author
Well then. Free love?
She-Angle
But that certainly is sinful!
Author
Oh, no! How old-fashioned you are!
She-Angle
Well, I don’t care if I am old-fashioned. I’m not going to do anything that my conscience says is wrong!
Author
Well, all I have to say is that you’re a queer pair. You’ve been unconventional enough to go and fall in love. That does not seem to you to be wrong, but you balk at divorce, murder, and free love. I’m sure I don’t see any help for you. What you need is not a Novelist or a Playwright or a Poet, but a Psychiatrist. Good day!
(He goes out at left.)
She-Angle
What a disagreeable man!
He-Angle
Realism did it!
She-Angle
I don’t believe he’s much of an Author.
He-Angle
Trash is all he writes, probably.
She-Angle
Free love!
He-Angle
Murder!
(An Actress rises somewhere in the audience.)
Actress
Let me help you!
She-Angle
Who is that?
Actress (coming toward stage)
I know I can help you if you’ll let me. I know just how you feel.
(Prologue assists her to the stage.)
Prologue
And your name?
Actress
I’m an Actress.
Prologue (to She-Angle)
She’s an Actress.
She-Angle (to He-Angle)
She’s an Actress.
He-Angle
An Actress!
Actress (going to She-Angle at once sympathetic and patronizing and always fully realizing that she is going to have an opportunity to hold the center of the stage:)
You poor dear, I know how you feel. I know.
She-Angle
I’ve suffered much.
Actress
I know. I know.
He-Angle
Can you help us?
Actress (turning to him; every movement is deliberate, studied)
Yes.
He-Angle
I’m sure you can.
Actress
Yes.
She-Angle
My husband, you know—
Actress
I know.
She-Angle
How can you help us?
Actress
Ah, you must be deft. You must be subtle. But not too subtle.
She-Angle
But, go on!
Actress
It is all so very simple. First you must decide what you want. Do you want to marry your lover?
She-Angle
Yes.
Actress
Do you want that most of all?
She-Angle
Yes, most of all.
Actress
Then you must realize there is only one solution—divorce. As the Author says it is very smart. It is not vulgar unless the husband gets it. If the wife gets it, divorce is quite all right. Of course, murder is all right if you’re a tragedienne. Are you a tragedienne?
She-Angle
I can’t act!
Actress
Then it must be divorce and you must be the one to obtain it. That is very simple. Your husband loves you? Yes?
She-Angle
I’m sure of it!
Actress
Yes. I know! Yes, your husband loves you. You must, however, show him that your love for him has died, that you love another and that you must either marry this other man or be his mistress.
She-Angle
Oh!
Actress
I know how you feel. I know.
She-Angle
But I can’t do that!
Actress
Oh, yes, you can. You must only be deft. You must act. You must show him how you suffer.
She-Angle
But how?
Actress
I shall show you. We shall have a rehearsal now. I shall be you, and your lover will be your husband. You must watch me carefully. Then you do as I do.
She-Angle
Ah, I see.
Actress (going up toward He-Angle)
I shall call him John. It need not be his name, but it will do in rehearsal. Besides, I like simple names in emotional scenes. Monosyllables are best. They’re so tense when used alone. (Turning again toward He-Angle.) You must help me now. I want you to do just the things and say the things you would if you were really John. John!
He-Angle
Yes, dear.
Actress
I have something to say to you, John dear.
He-Angle
Yes, dear?
(Actress sits on stool beside He-Angle. She sits impassive, tense.)
Actress
Won’t you sit down?
(He-Angle sits.)
Actress
How long have we been married, John?
He-Angle
Why, five years, dear. Why?
Actress
We’ve been very happy, haven’t we, John?
He-Angle
I don’t know what you mean!
Actress
We’ve been happy, haven’t we? That is all.
He-Angle
Yes, dear. But—
Actress
You’ve loved me, John?
He-Angle
Always.
Actress
You still love me, John?
(He-Angle wavers a little. He feels that this is getting a bit deep.)
Actress
Don’t be bashful. Remember this is only a rehearsal. Put your arms around me and kiss me. John would.
(He-Angle is not unwilling, but the presence of She-Angle disturbs him somewhat, particularly as the latter is beginning to lose interest in the technical side of the rehearsal and to resent the liberties the Actress is taking with her lover.)
Actress
Do as I say or I can’t go on. Do you still love me, John?
He-Angle (taking her in his arms with a mixture of contentment and apprehension, he kisses her)
There, dear. Does that answer your question?
Actress
I’m afraid it does.
He-Angle
Afraid?
Actress
Yes, John, afraid.
He-Angle (in the spirit of the play)
But why do you say that?
Actress
Oh, John. I don’t know how I can ever tell you.
He-Angle
Tell me what?
Actress (parenthetically)
Oh, you’re doing fine. Tell you that—
He-Angle
Yes?
Actress
Oh, John, I no longer love you!
He-Angle
What?
Actress
Oh, John. It’s true. Kill me! Do anything with me! I don’t deserve your love! I’m unworthy of you. Kill me!
He-Angle
You don’t love me!
Actress
Kill me. Oh, John, it’s too true, too terribly true. Would to God I had died before I met you. Then you would be saved this. Kill me, John!
He-Angle (putting his hands firmly on her shoulders and looking her in the eyes)
What do you mean?
Actress (hanging her head)
Oh, John, you’re making it very hard for me. I—I love another.
He-Angle
You’re not telling me the truth!
Actress
I never was more serious in my life, John.
He-Angle
You love another!
Actress
I don’t know why I’m telling you all this.
He-Angle
You love another!
Actress
But I love you, too. Honestly, I love you. But in a different sort of way. I’ll always love you, John. You’ve been so fair to me.
He-Angle (taking her suddenly in his arms and kissing her passionately)
It’s a lie. Darling, say it’s a lie!
(He kisses her again. She-Angle does not like it. She jumps to her feet.)
She-Angle (coldly)
That will do!
(He-Angle and Actress both turn toward her.)
She-Angle
That will be enough.
Actress
But we’re not nearly through yet!
She-Angle
That is what I was afraid of. But I do not think I require any more instruction. I have learned much already.
Actress
But what about the rest?
She-Angle
There isn’t going to be any rest.
Actress
What do you mean?
She-Angle
I mean that I am quite capable of settling my domestic problems without any assistance from the theatrical profession.
Actress
Why! Why!
She-Angle
I know. I know.
Actress
Of all the insults! Goodness knows, I didn’t want to interfere in your business.
She-Angle
Well, no one asked you to!
Actress
You did. You appealed to the audience.
She-Angle
I didn’t! All I asked of the audience was a Novelist. I didn’t ask for a chorus girl.
Actress
A chorus girl! I’ll have you sued for slander, you silly, ignorant doll, you. A chorus girl! You free-lover! You, you mistress!
(Actress stalks off right.)
He-Angle
I don’t see why you did that!
She-Angle (sarcastically)
No, of course you don’t. Certainly not!
He-Angle
She isn’t a chorus girl.
She-Angle
How do you know she isn’t?
He-Angle
Well, I just know. She didn’t look like one, for one thing.
She-Angle (too agreeable)
I thought she did, but I see I was mistaken. I shall not argue with an authority.
He-Angle
What do you mean?
She-Angle
I dare say you know a great deal about chorus girls, and—and actresses. I can readily see that you are very familiar with the looks and actions of that kind of people. I understand perfectly now how you were able to carry your part so well, I—
He-Angle
Stop!
She-Angle
I shall not stop! What right have you to tell me to stop? As I was saying before you so rudely lost your temper, I quite realize that in all probability it was not your first scene with an Actress.
He-Angle
I say—!
She-Angle
You have said quite enough. Quite too much, in fact. It is all very plain to me that your intimacy with chorus girls and soubrettes has stood you in good stead to-day. I am glad to have learned that before I took some rash step. I am very glad to be able to say that whatever may be my husband’s faults, he has never frequented stage doors.
He-Angle
What in Heaven’s name has come over you? Are you insane?
She-Angle
That’s right! Call me names. Strike me! That is all there is left to do!
He-Angle (he goes up to her and makes her face him)
You know everything you have said is damned foolishness. You know you had no basis for such a scene.
She-Angle (in a rage)
No basis! No basis! To see you take another woman, a painted woman probably from a burlesque chorus, to see you take her into your arms, burning with passion, your eyes dilated, your cheeks flushed, your whole being mad with unholy love. No basis, do you say? To see you do that while still my lover! What would it be if you were married to me—if you were my husband! Oh, I have been blind! I have a husband who has at least the grace to carry on his amours behind my back, if he does carry on any. And I would have changed him for you! Oh, I have been blind! Go!
He-Angle
But—
She-Angle
Go! Go! Do not stay another moment! Here comes my husband. I hear him outside. If you don’t go I shall have him kill you.
He-Angle
Darling—
She-Angle
Don’t use that word to me! Go!
He-Angle
You must listen.
She-Angle
I shall scream!
(The Husband-Angle enters.)
Husband-Angle
Hello, Darling. (To He-Angle.) How are you?
She-Angle
He’s just hurrying away—to meet the dearest actress in the world who has been here to call.
(He-Angle gives her an ugly look.)
He-Angle
Good-by.
She-Angle (too sweet)
Good-by!
Husband-Angle
Good-by.
(He-Angle goes.)
Husband-Angle
I’ve got two seats for a good show to-night, dear. It’s a problem play. Wonderful actress.
She-Angle (kisses him)
Oh, you darling! I love actresses.
CURTAIN
(Prologue gathers his trumpet sleepily under his arm. He has been half asleep during the later action of the play. He looks at the audience in some confusion and starts to go through the curtains.)
Prologue
I’ve got to hurry or I’ll be an Epilogue. That wasn’t so hard to settle, was it? Thank you.
(He goes within the curtains.)
THE END