CURTAIN.

  OR

  THE SLAVE OF DUTY

  DRAMATIS PERSONAE

  MAJOR-GENERAL STANLEY

  THE PIRATE KING

  SAMUEL (his Lieutenant)

  SERGEANT OF POLICE

  MABEL, EDITH, KATE, and ISABEL (General Stanley's Daughters)

  RUTH (a Pirate Maid of all Work)

  Chorus of Pirates, Police, and General Stanley's Daughters

                                ACT I

             A rocky sea-shore on the coast of Cornwall

                               ACT II

                    A ruined chapel by moonlight

        First produced at the Opera Comique on April 3, 1880

  (Scene.-A rocky seashore on the coast of Cornwall.  In the
  distance is a calm sea, on which a schooner is lying at anchor.
  Rock L. sloping down to L.C. of stage.  Under these rocks is a
  cavern, the entrance to which is seen at first entrance L.  A
  natural arch of rock occupies the R.C. of the stage.  As the
  curtain rises groups of pirates are discovered — some drinking,
  some playing cards.  SAMUEL, the Pirate Lieutenant, is going from
  one group to another, filling the cups from a flask.  FREDERIC is
  seated in a despondent attitude at the back of the scene.  RUTH
  kneels at his feet.)

                           OPENING CHORUS

  ALL:      Pour, O pour the pirate sherry;
                 Fill, O fill the pirate glass;
            And, to make us more than merry
                 Let the pirate bumper pass.

  SAMUEL:   For today our pirate 'prentice
                 Rises from indentures freed;
            Strong his arm, and keen his scent is
                 He's a pirate now indeed!

  ALL:      Here's good luck to Fred'ric's ventures!
            Fred'ric's out of his indentures.

  SAMUEL:   Two and twenty, now he's rising,
                 And alone he's fit to fly,
            Which we're bent on signalizing
                 With unusual revelry.

  ALL:      Here's good luck to Fred'ric's ventures!
                 Fred'ric's out of his indentures.
            Pour, O pour the pirate sherry;
                 Fill, O fill the pirate glass;
            And, to make us more than merry
                 Let the pirate bumper pass.

  (FREDERIC rises and comes forward with PIRATE KING, who enters)

  KING:     Yes, Frederic, from to-day you rank as a full-blown
            member of our band.
  ALL:      Hurrah!
  FREDERIC: My friends, I thank you all, from my heart, for your
            kindly wishes.  Would that I could repay them as they
            deserve!
  KING:     What do you mean?
  FREDERIC: To-day I am out of my indentures, and to-day I leave
            you for ever.
  KING:     But this is quite unaccountable; a keener hand at
            scuttling a Cunarder or cutting out a White Star never
            shipped a handspike.
  FREDERIC: Yes, I have done my best for you.  And why?  It was my
            duty under my indentures, and I am the slave of duty.
            As a child I was regularly apprenticed to your band.
            It was through an error — no matter, the mistake was
            ours, not yours, and I was in honour bound by it.
  SAMUEL:   An error?  What error?  (RUTH rises and comes forward)
  FREDERIC: I may not tell you; it would reflect upon my well-loved
            Ruth.
  RUTH:     Nay, dear master, my mind has long been gnawed by the
            cankering tooth of mystery.  Better have it out at
            once.

                            SONG — RUTH

  RUTH:     When Frederic was a little lad he proved so brave and
                 daring,
            His father thought he'd 'prentice him to some career
                 seafaring.
            I was, alas! his nurs'rymaid, and so it fell to my lot
            To take and bind the promising boy apprentice to a
                 pilot —
            A life not bad for a hardy lad, though surely not a
                 high lot,
            Though I'm a nurse, you might do worse than make your
                 boy a pilot.
            I was a stupid nurs'rymaid, on breakers always
                 steering,
            And I did not catch the word aright, through being hard
                 of hearing;
            Mistaking my instructions, which within my brain did
                 gyrate,
            I took and bound this promising boy apprentice to a
                 pirate.
            A sad mistake it was to make and doom him to a vile
                 lot.
            I bound him to a pirate — you! — instead of to a
                 pilot.
            I soon found out, beyond all doubt, the scope of this
                 disaster,
            But I hadn't the face to return to my place, and break
                 it to my master.
            A nurs'rymaid is not afraid of what you people call
                 work,
            So I made up my mind to go as a kind of piratical maid-
                 of-all-work.
            And that is how you find me now, a member of your shy
                 lot,
            Which you wouldn't have found, had he been bound
                 apprentice to a pilot.
  RUTH:     Oh, pardon!  Frederic, pardon!  (Kneels)
  FREDERIC: Rise, sweet one, I have long pardoned you.  (Ruth
            rises)
  RUTH:     The two words were so much alike!
  FREDERIC: They were.  They still are, though years have rolled
            over their heads.  But this afternoon my obligation
            ceases.  Individually, I love you all with affection
            unspeakable; but, collectively, I look upon you with a
            disgust that amounts to absolute detestation.  Oh! pity
            me, my beloved friends, for such is my sense of duty
            that, once out of my indentures, I shall feel myself
            bound to devote myself heart and soul to your
            extermination!
  ALL:      Poor lad — poor lad!  (All weep)
  KING:     Well, Frederic, if you conscientiously feel that it is
            your duty to destroy us, we cannot blame you for acting
            on that conviction.  Always act in accordance with the
            dictates of your conscience, my boy, and chance the
            consequences.
  SAMUEL:   Besides, we can offer you but little temptation to
            remain with us.  We don't seem to make piracy pay.  I'm
            sure I don't know why, but we don't.
  FREDERIC: I know why, but, alas! I mustn't tell you; it wouldn't
            be right.
  KING:     Why not, my boy?  It's only half-past eleven, and you
            are one of us until the clock strikes twelve.
  SAMUEL:   True, and until then you are bound to protect our
            interests.
  ALL:      Hear, hear!
  FREDERIC: Well, then, it is my duty, as a pirate, to tell you
            that you are too tender-hearted.  For instance, you
            make a point of never attacking a weaker party than
            yourselves, and when you attack a stronger party you
            invariably get thrashed.
  KING:     There is some truth in that.
  FREDERIC: Then, again, you make a point of never molesting an
            orphan!
  SAMUEL:   Of course:  we are orphans ourselves, and know what it
            is.
  FREDERIC: Yes, but it has got about, and what is the consequence?
            Every one we capture says he's an orphan.  The last
            three ships we took proved to be manned entirely by
            orphans, and so we had to let them go.  One would think
            that Great Britain's mercantile navy was recruited
            solely from her orphan asylums — which we know is not
            the case.
  SAMUEL:   But, hang it all!  you wouldn't have us absolutely
            merciless?
  FREDERIC: There's my difficulty; until twelve o'clock I would,
            after twelve I wouldn't.  Was ever a man placed in so
            delicate a situation?
  RUTH:     And Ruth, your own Ruth, whom you love so well, and who
            has won her middle-aged way into your boyish heart,
            what is to become of her?
  KING:     Oh, he will take you with him.
  FREDERIC: Well, Ruth, I feel some difficulty about you.  It is
            true that I admire you very much, but I have been
            constantly at sea since I was eight years old, and
            yours is the only woman's face I have seen during that
            time.  I think it is a sweet face.
  RUTH:     It is — oh, it is!
  FREDERIC: I say I think it is; that is my impression.  But as I
            have never had an opportunity of comparing you with
            other women, it is just possible I may be mistaken.
  KING:     True.
  FREDERIC: What a terrible thing it would be if I were to marry
            this innocent person, and then find out that she is, on
            the whole, plain!
  KING:     Oh, Ruth is very well, very well indeed.
  SAMUEL:   Yes, there are the remains of a fine woman about Ruth.
  FREDERIC: Do you really think so?
  SAMUEL:   I do.
  FREDERIC: Then I will not be so selfish as to take her from you.
            In justice to her, and in consideration for you, I will
            leave her behind.  (Hands RUTH to KING)
  KING:     No, Frederic, this must not be.  We are rough men, who
            lead a rough life, but we are not so utterly heartless
            as to deprive thee of thy love.  I think I am right in
            saying that there is not one here who would rob thee of
            this inestimable treasure for all the world holds dear.
  ALL:      (loudly)  Not one!
  KING:     No, I thought there wasn't.  Keep thy love, Frederic,
            keep thy love.  (Hands her back to FREDERIC)
  FREDERIC: You're very good, I'm sure.  (Exit RUTH)
  KING:     Well, it's the top of the tide, and we must be off.
            Farewell, Frederic.  When your process of extermination
            begins, let our deaths be as swift and painless as you
            can conveniently make them.
  FREDERIC: I will!  By the love I have for you, I swear it!  Would
            that you could render this extermination unnecessary by
            accompanying me back to civilization!
  KING:     No, Frederic, it cannot be.  I don't think much of our
            profession, but, contrasted with respectability, it is
            comparatively honest.  No, Frederic, I shall live and
            die a Pirate King.

                         SONG — PIRATE KING

  KING:     Oh, better far to live and die
            Under the brave black flag I fly,
            Than play a sanctimonious part
            With a pirate head and a pirate heart.
            Away to the cheating world go you,
            Where pirates all are well-to-do;
            But I'll be true to the song I sing,
            And live and die a Pirate King.
                 For I am a Pirate King!
            And it is, it is a glorious thing
            To be a Pirate King!
                 For I am a Pirate King!
  ALL:                You are!
            Hurrah for the Pirate King!
  KING:     And it is, it is a glorious thing
            To be a Pirate King.
  ALL:                It is!
            Hurrah for the Pirate King!
            Hurrah for the Pirate King!
  KING:     When I sally forth to seek my prey
            I help myself in a royal way.
            I sink a few more ships, it's true,
            Than a well-bred monarch ought to do;
            But many a king on a first-class throne,
            If he wants to call his crown his own,
            Must manage somehow to get through
            More dirty work than e'er I do,
                 For I am a Pirate King!
            And it is, it is a glorious thing
            To be a Pirate King!
                 For I am a Pirate King!
  ALL:                You are!
            Hurrah for the Pirate King!
  KING:     And it is, it is a glorious thing
            To be a Pirate King.
  ALL:                It is!
            Hurrah for the Pirate King!
            Hurrah for the Pirate King!

       (Exeunt all except FREDERIC.  Enter RUTH.)

  RUTH:     Oh, take me with you! I cannot live if I am left
            behind.
  FREDERIC: Ruth, I will be quite candid with you.  You are very
            dear to me, as you know, but I must be circumspect.
            You see, you are considerably older than I.  A lad of
            twenty-one usually looks for a wife of seventeen.
  RUTH:     A wife of seventeen!  You will find me a wife of a
            thousand!
  FREDERIC: No, but I shall find you a wife of forty-seven, and
            that is quite enough. Ruth, tell me candidly and
            without reserve:  compared with other women, how are
            you?
  RUTH:     I will answer you truthfully, master:  I have a slight
            cold, but otherwise I am quite well.
  FREDERIC: I am sorry for your cold, but I was referring rather to
            your personal appearance. Compared with other women,
            are you beautiful?
  RUTH:     (bashfully)    I have been told so, dear master.
  FREDERIC: Ah, but lately?
  RUTH:     Oh, no; years and years ago.
  FREDERIC: What do you think of yourself?
  RUTH:     It is a delicate question to answer, but I think I am a
            fine woman.
  FREDERIC: That is your candid opinion?
  RUTH:     Yes, I should be deceiving you if I told you otherwise.
  FREDERIC: Thank you, Ruth.  I believe you, for I am sure you
            would not practice on my inexperience.  I wish to do
            the right thing, and if- I say if- you are really a
            fine woman, your age shall be no obstacle to our union!
            (Shakes hands with her.  Chorus of girls heard in the
            distance, "climbing over rocky mountain," etc.)  Hark!
            Surely I hear voices!  Who has ventured to approach our
            all but inaccessible lair? Can it be Custom House?  No,
            it does not sound like Custom House.
  RUTH:     (aside)  Confusion!  it is the voices of young girls!
            If he should see them I am lost.
  FREDERIC: (looking off)  By all that's marvellous, a bevy of
            beautiful maidens!
  RUTH:     (aside)  Lost!  lost!  lost!
  FREDERIC: How lovely, how surpassingly lovely is the plainest of
            them!  What grace- what delicacy- what refinement!  And
            Ruth— Ruth told me she was beautiful!

                                RECITATIVE

  FREDERIC: Oh, false one, you have deceived me!
  RUTH:          I have deceived you?
  FREDERIC:           Yes, deceived me!
                                                  (Denouncing her.)
  FREDERIC: You told me you were fair as gold!
  RUTH:     (wildly)  And, master, am I not so?
  FREDERIC: And now I see you're plain and old.
  RUTH:          I'm sure I'm not a jot so.
  FREDERIC: Upon my innocence you play.
  RUTH:          I'm not the one to plot so.
  FREDERIC: Your face is lined, your hair is grey.
  RUTH:          It's gradually got so.
  FREDERIC: Faithless woman, to deceive me,
                      I who trusted so!
  RUTH:     Master, master, do not leave me!
                      Hear me, ere you go!
                 My love without reflecting,
                 Oh, do not be rejecting!
       Take a maiden tender, her affection raw and green,
                 At very highest rating,
                 Has been accumulating
       Summers seventeen, summers seventeen.
                 Don't, beloved master,
                 Crush me with disaster.
       What is such a dower to the dower I have here?
                 My love unabating
                 Has been accumulating
       Forty-seven year—forty-seven year!

                              ENSEMBLE

               RUTH                            FREDERIC

       Don't, beloved master,         Yes, your former master
       Crush me with disaster.        Saves you from disaster.
  What is such a dower to the     Your love would be uncomfortably
       dower I have here              fervid, it is clear
       My love unabating              If, as you are stating
       Has been accumulating          It's been accumulating
  Forty-seven year, forty-seven   Forty-seven year—forty-seven year!
       year!                      Faithless woman to deceive me, I
                                      who trusted so!
  Master, master, do not leave    Faithless woman to deceive me, I
       me, hear me, ere I go!         who trusted so!

                           RECIT—FREDERIC

            What shall I do?  Before these gentle maidens
            I dare not show in this alarming costume!
            No, no, I must remain in close concealment
            Until I can appear in decent clothing!

  (Hides in cave as they enter climbing over the rocks and through
       arched rock)

  GIRLS:    Climbing over rocky mountain,
            Skipping rivulet and fountain,
            Passing where the willows quiver,
            Passing where the willows quiver
            By the ever-rolling river,
                 Swollen with the summer rain, the summer rain
            Threading long and leafy mazes
            Dotted with unnumbered daisies,
            Dotted, dotted with unnumbered daisies,
            Scaling rough and rugged passes,
            Climb the hardy little lasses,
                 Till the bright sea-shore they gain;
            Scaling rough and rugged passes,
            Climb the hardy little lasses,
                 Till the bright sea-shore they gain!

  EDITH:    Let us gaily tread the measure,
            Make the most of fleeting leisure,
            Hail it as a true ally,
            Though it perish by-and-by.

  GIRLS:         Hail it as a true ally,
                 Though it perish by-and-by.

  EDITH:    Every moment brings a treasure
            Of its own especial pleasure;
            Though the moments quickly die,
            Greet them gaily as they fly,
            Greet them gaily as they fly.

  GIRLS:    Though the moments quickly die,
            Greet them gaily as they fly.

  KATE:     Far away from toil and care,
            Revelling in fresh sea-air,
            Here we live and reign alone
            In a world that's all our own.
            Here, in this our rocky den,
            Far away from mortal men,
            We'll be queens, and make decrees—
            They may honour them who please.

  GIRLS:    We'll be queens, and make decrees—
            They may honour them who please.
            Let us gaily tread the measure, etc.

  KATE:     What a picturesque spot! I wonder where we are!
  EDITH:    And I wonder where Papa is.  We have left him ever so
            far behind.
  ISABEL:   Oh, he will be here presently! Remember poor Papa is
            not as young as we are, and we came over a rather
            difficult country.
  KATE:     But how thoroughly delightful it is to be so entirely
            alone! Why, in all probability we are the first human
            beings who ever set foot on this enchanting spot.
  ISABEL:   Except the mermaids—it's the very place for mermaids.
  KATE:     Who are only human beings down to the waist—
  EDITH:    And who can't be said strictly to set foot anywhere.
            Tails they may, but feet they cannot.
  KATE:     But what shall we do until Papa and the servants arrive
            with the luncheon?
  EDITH:    We are quite alone, and the sea is as smooth as glass.
            Suppose we take off our shoes and stockings and paddle?
  ALL:      Yes, yes!  The very thing!  (They prepare to carry, out
            the suggestion. They have all taken off one shoe, when
            FREDERIC comes forward from cave.)

  FREDERIC: (recitative).  Stop, ladies, pray!
  GIRLS:    (Hopping on one foot)    A man!
  FREDERIC:                I had intended
            Not to intrude myself upon your notice
            In this effective but alarming costume;
            But under these peculiar circumstances,
            It is my bounden duty to inform you
            That your proceedings will not be unwitnessed!
  EDITH:    But who are you, sir?  Speak!  (All hopping)
  FREDERIC:                I am a pirate!
  GIRLS:    (recoiling, hopping)     A pirate!  Horror!
  FREDERIC:                Ladies, do not shun me!
            This evening I renounce my vile profession;
            And, to that end, O pure and peerless maidens!
            Oh, blushing buds of ever-blooming beauty!
            I, sore at heart, implore your kind assistance.
  EDITH:    How pitiful his tale!
  KATE:          How rare his beauty
  GIRLS:    How pitiful his tale!  How rare his beauty!

                           SONG—FREDERIC

            Oh, is there not one maiden breast
                 Which does not feel the moral beauty
            Of making worldly interest
                 Subordinate to sense of duty?

            Who would not give up willingly
                 All matrimonial ambition,
            To rescue such a one as I
                 From his unfortunate position?
                      From his position,
                 To rescue such an one as I
                      From his unfortunate position?

  GIRLS:    Alas!  there's not one maiden breast
                 Which seems to feel the moral beauty
            Of making worldly interest
                 Subordinate to sense of duty!

  FREDERIC: Oh, is there not one maiden here
                 Whose homely face and bad complexion
            Have caused all hope to disappear
                 Of ever winning man's affection?
            Of such a one, if such there be,
                 I swear by Heaven's arch above you,
            If you will cast your eyes on me,
                 However plain you be, I'll love you,
                 However plain you be,
            If you will cast your eyes on me,
                 However plain you be I'll love you,
                 I'll love you, I'll love, I'll love you!

  GIRLS:    Alas! there's not one maiden here
                 Whose homely face and bad complexion
            Have caused all hope to disappear
                 Of ever winning man's affection!

  FREDERIC: (in despair)  Not one?
  GIRLS:                   No, no— not one!
  FREDERIC: Not one?
  GIRLS:                   No, no!
  MABEL:    (enters through arch)         Yes, one!
                      Yes, one!
  GIRLS:    'Tis Mabel!
  MABEL:         Yes, 'tis Mabel!

                            RECIT—MABEL

            Oh, sisters, deaf to pity's name,
                           For shame!
            It's true that he has gone astray,
                           But pray
            Is that a reason good and true
                           Why you
            Should all be deaf to pity's name?

  GIRLS:    (aside):  The question is, had he not been
                 A thing of beauty,
            Would she be swayed by quite as keen
                 A sense of duty?

  MABEL:    For shame, for shame, for shame!

                             SONG—MABEL

  MABEL:    Poor wand'ring one!
            Though thou hast surely strayed,
                 Take heart of grace,
                 Thy steps retrace,
            Poor wand'ring one!
            Poor wand'ring one!
            If such poor love as mine
                 Can help thee find
                 True peace of mind-
            Why, take it, it is thine!

  GIRLS:    Take heart, no danger low'rs;
            Take any heart but ours!

  MABEL:    Take heart, fair days will shine;
            Take any heart—take mine!

  GIRLS:    Take heart; no danger low'rs;
            Take any heart-but ours!

  MABEL:    Take heart, fair days will shine;
            Take any heart—take mine!
            Poor wand'ring one!, etc.

  (MABEL and FREDERIC go to mouth of cave and converse.  EDITH
       beckons her sisters, who form a semicircle around her.)

                                EDITH

            What ought we to do,
                 Gentle sisters, say?
            Propriety, we know,
                 Says we ought to stay;
            While sympathy exclaims,
                 "Free them from your tether—
            Play at other games—
                 Leave them here together."

                                 KATE

            Her case may, any day,
                 Be yours, my dear, or mine.
            Let her make her hay
                 While the sun doth shine.
            Let us compromise
                 (Our hearts are not of leather):
            Let us shut our eyes
                 And talk about the weather.

  GIRLS:    Yes, yes, let's talk about the weather.

                          Chattering chorus

            How beautifully blue the sky,
            The glass is rising very high,
            Continue fine I hope it may,
            And yet it rained but yesterday.
            To-morrow it may pour again
            (I hear the country wants some rain),
            Yet people say, I know not why,
            That we shall have a warm July.
            To-morrow it may pour again
            (I hear the country wants some rain),
            Yet people say, I know not why,
            That we shall have a warm July.

                      Enter MABEL and FREDERIC

.During MABEL's solo the GIRLS continue chatter pianissimo, but
       listening eagerly all the time.

                             SOLO—MABEL

            Did ever maiden wake
                 From dream of homely duty,
            To find her daylight break
                 With such exceeding beauty?
            Did ever maiden close
                 Her eyes on waking sadness,
            To dream of such exceeding gladness?

  FREDERIC: Ah, yes!  ah, yes! this is exceeding gladness
  GIRLS:    How beautifully blue the sky, etc.

                           SOLO—FREDERIC

.During this, GIRLS continue their chatter pianissimo as before,
       but listening intently all the time.

            Did ever pirate roll
                 His soul in guilty dreaming,
            And wake to find that soul
                 With peace and virtue beaming?

                              ENSEMBLE

        FREDERIC                MABEL                  GIRLS

  Did ever pirate       Did ever maiden wake   How beautifully blue
       loathed          From dream of homely        the sky, etc.
  Forsake his hideous        duty,
       mission          To find her daylight
  To find himself            break
       betrothed        With such exceeding
  To lady of position?       beauty?

                           RECIT—FREDERIC

            Stay, we must not lose our senses;
                 Men who stick at no offences
                      Will anon be here!
            Piracy their dreadful trade is;
                 Pray you, get you hence, young ladies,
                      While the coast is clear
                                        (FREDERIC and MABEL retire)

  GIRLS:    No, we must not lose our senses,
            If they stick at no offences
                 We should not be here!
            Piracy their dreadful trade is—
            Nice companions for young ladies!
                 Let us disap—.

  (During this chorus the PIRATES have entered stealthily, and
       formed in a semicircle behind the GIRLS.  As the GIRLS move
       to go off, each PIRATE seizes a GIRL.  KING seizes EDITH and
       ISABEL, SAMUEL seizes KATE.)

  GIRLS:    Too late!
  PIRATES:       Ha, ha!
  GIRLS:              Too late!
  PIRATES:                 Ho, ho!
            Ha, ha, ha, ha!  Ho, ho, ho, ho!

                              ENSEMBLE

  (Pirates pass in front of        (Girls pass in front of
       Girls.)                          Pirates.)

              PIRATES                            GIRLS

  Here's a first-rate opportunity  We have missed our opportunity
  To get married with impunity,    Of escaping with impunity;
  And indulge in the felicity      So farewell to the felicity
  Of unbounded domesticity.        Of our maiden domesticity!
  You shall quickly be             We shall quickly be
       parsonified,                     parsonified,
  Conjugally matrimonified,        Conjugally matrimonified,
  By a doctor of divinity          By a doctor of divinity,
  Who is located in this           Who is located in this
       vicinity.                       vicinity.
  By a doctor of divinity,         By a doctor of divinity,
  Who resides in this vicinity,    Who resides in this vicinity,
  By a doctor, a doctor, a doctor  By a doctor, a doctor, a doctor
       of divinity, of divinity.        of divinity, of divinity.

                                 RECIT

  MABEL:    (coming forward)  Hold, monsters!  Ere your pirate
                 caravanserai
                 Proceed, against our will, to wed us all,
            Just bear in mind that we are Wards in Chancery,
                 And father is a Major-General!

  SAMUEL:   (cowed)  We'd better pause, or danger may befall,
                      Their father is a Major-General.

  GIRLS:    Yes, yes; he is a Major-General!

  (The MAJOR-GENERAL has entered unnoticed, on the rock)

  GENERAL:  Yes, yes, I am a Major-General!
  SAMUEL:   For he is a Major-General!
  ALL:      He is!  Hurrah for the Major-General!
  GENERAL:  And it is, it is a glorious thing
            To be a Major-General!
  ALL:      It is!  Hurrah for the Major-General!
            Hurrah for the Major-General!

                         SONG—MAJOR-GENERAL

            I am the very model of a modern Major-General,
            I've information vegetable, animal, and mineral,
            I know the kings of England, and I quote the fights
                 historical
            From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical;
            I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters
                 mathematical,
            I understand equations, both the simple and
                 quadratical,
            About binomial theorem I'm teeming with a lot o' news,
            With many cheerful facts about the square of the
                 hypotenuse.

  ALL:      With many cheerful facts, etc.

  GENERAL:  I'm very good at integral and differential calculus;
            I know the scientific names of beings animalculous:
            In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
            I am the very model of a modern Major-General.

  ALL:      In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
            He is the very model of a modern Major-General.

  GENERAL:  I know our mythic history, King Arthur's and Sir
                 Caradoc's;
            I answer hard acrostics, I've a pretty taste for
                 paradox,
            I quote in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus,
            In conics I can floor peculiarities parabolous;
            I can tell undoubted Raphaels from Gerard Dows and
                 Zoffanies,
            I know the croaking chorus from the Frogs of
                 Aristophanes!
            Then I can hum a fugue of which I've heard the music's
                 din afore,
            And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense
                 Pinafore.

  ALL:      And whistle all the airs, etc.

  GENERAL:  Then I can write a washing bill in
                 Babylonic cuneiform,
            And tell you ev'ry detail of Caractacus's uniform:
            In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
            I am the very model of a modern Major-General.

  ALL:      In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
            He is the very model of a modern Major-General.

  GENERAL:  In fact, when I know what is meant by "mamelon" and
                 "ravelin",
            When I can tell at sight a Mauser rifle from a javelin,
            When such affairs as sorties and surprises I'm more
                 wary at,
            And when I know precisely what is meant by
                 "commissariat",
            When I have learnt what progress has been made in
                 modern gunnery,
            When I know more of tactics than a novice in a nunnery-
                 -
            In short, when I've a smattering of elemental strategy,
            You'll say a better Major-General has never sat a gee.

  ALL:      You'll say a better Major-General, etc.

  GENERAL:  For my military knowledge, though I'm plucky and
                 adventury,
            Has only been brought down to the beginning of the
                 century;
            But still, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
            I am the very model of a modern Major-General.

  ALL:      But still, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
            He is the very model of a modern Major-General.

  GENERAL:  And now that I've introduced myself, I should like to
            have some idea of what's going on.
  KATE:     Oh, Papa—  we—-
  SAMUEL:   Permit me, I'll explain in two words:  we propose to
            marry your daughters.
  GENERAL:  Dear me!
  GIRLS:    Against our wills, Papa—against our wills!
  GENERAL:  Oh, but you mustn't do that!  May I ask—  this is a
            picturesque uniform, but I'm not familiar with it.
            What are you?
  KING:     We are all single gentlemen.
  GENERAL:  Yes, I gathered that.  Anything else?
  KING:     No, nothing else.
  EDITH:    Papa, don't believe them; they are pirates—  the
            famous Pirates of Penzance!
  GENERAL:  The Pirates of Penzance!  I have often heard of them.
  MABEL:    All except this gentleman (indicating FREDERIC), who
            was a pirate once, but who is out of his indentures to-
            day, and who means to lead a blameless life evermore.
  GENERAL:  But wait a bit.  I object to pirates as sons-in-law.
  KING:     We object to major-generals as fathers-in-law.  But we
            waive that point. We do not press it. We look over it.
  GENERAL:  (aside)  Hah! an idea!  (aloud)  And do you mean to say
            that you would deliberately rob me of these, the sole
            remaining props of my old age, and leave me to go
            through the remainder of my life unfriended,
            unprotected, and alone?
  KING:     Well, yes, that's the idea.
  GENERAL:  Tell me, have you ever known what it is to be an
            orphan?
  PIRATES:  (disgusted)  Oh, dash it all!
  KING:     Here we are again!
  GENERAL:  I ask you, have you ever known what it is to be an
            orphan?
  KING:     Often!
  GENERAL:  Yes, orphan.  Have you ever known what it is to be one?
  KING:     I say, often.
  ALL:      (disgusted)  Often, often, often.  (Turning away)
  GENERAL:  I don't think we quite understand one another.  I ask
            you, have you ever known what it is to be an orphan,
            and you say "orphan". As I understand you, you are
            merely repeating the word "orphan" to show that you
            understand me.
  KING:     I didn't repeat the word often.
  GENERAL:  Pardon me, you did indeed.
  KING:     I only repeated it once.
  GENERAL:  True, but you repeated it.
  KING:     But not often.
  GENERAL:  Stop!  I think I see where we are getting confused.
            When you said "orphan", did you mean "orphan",a person
            who has lost his parents, or "often", frequently?
  KING:     Ah! I beg pardon—  I see what you mean — frequently.
  GENERAL:  Ah! you said "often", frequently.
  KING:     No, only once.
  GENERAL:  (irritated)  Exactly—  you said "often", frequently,
            only once.

                                FINALE OF ACT I

  GENERAL:  Oh, men of dark and dismal fate,
                 Forgo your cruel employ,
            Have pity on my lonely state,
                 I am an orphan boy!
  KING/SAMUEL:        An orphan boy?
  GENERAL:            An orphan boy!
  PIRATES:       How sad, an orphan boy.

  GENERAL:  These children whom you see
                 Are all that I can call my own!
  PIRATES:                 Poor fellow!
  GENERAL:  Take them away from me,
                 And I shall be indeed alone.
  PIRATES:                 Poor fellow!
  GENERAL:  If pity you can feel,
                 Leave me my sole remaining joy—
            See, at your feet they kneel;
            Your hearts you cannot steel
       Against the sad, sad tale of the lonely orphan boy!
  PIRATES:  (sobbing)      Poor fellow!
            See at our feet they kneel;
            Our hearts we cannot steel
       Against the sad, sad tale of the lonely orphan boy!
  SAMUEL:   The orphan boy!
  add KING:                The orphan boy!
            See at our feet they kneel;
            Our hearts we cannot steel
       Against the tale of the lonely orphan boy!
  PIRATES:                 Poor fellow!

                              ENSEMBLE

      GENERAL (aside)           GIRLS (aside)           PIRATES
  (aside)

  I'm telling a terrible   He is telling a terrible If he's telling
  a
       story                    story,                   terrible
  story
  But it doesn't diminish  Which will tend to       He shall die by
  a death
       my glory;                diminish his             that is gory
  For they would have           glory;              Yes, one of the
       taken my daughters  Though they would have        cruellest
  Over the billowy waters,      taken his                slaughters
                                daughters           That ever were
  known in
                           Over the billowy waters,      these
  waters;
  If I hadn't, in elegant  It is easy, in elegant   It is easy, in
  elegant
       diction,                 diction.                 diction,
  Indulged in an innocent  To call it an innocent   To call it an
  innocent
       fiction,                 fiction,                 fiction
  Which is not in the same But it comes in the same But it comes in
  the same
       category                 category                 category
  As a regular terrible    As telling a regular     As telling a
  regular
       story.                   terrible story.          terrible
  story.

  KING:     Although our dark career
                 Sometimes involves the crime of stealing,
            We rather think that we're
                 Not altogether void of feeling.
            Although we live by strife,
                 We're always sorry to begin it,
            For what, we ask, is life
                 Without a touch of Poetry in it?
                                                        (all kneel)

  ALL:      Hail, Poetry, thou heav'n-born maid!
                 Thou gildest e'en the pirate's trade.
            Hail, flowing fount of sentiment!
                 All hail, all hail, divine emollient!
                                                         (all rise)

  KING:     You may go, for you're at liberty, our pirate rules
                 protect you,
            And honorary members of our band we do elect you!
  SAMUEL:   For he is an orphan boy!
  CHORUS:   He is!  Hurrah for the orphan boy!
  GENERAL:  And it sometimes is a useful thing
                 To be an orphan boy.
  CHORUS:   It is!  Hurrah for the orphan boy!
            Hurrah for the orphan boy!
  ENSEMBLE: Oh, happy day, with joyous glee
            They will away and married be!
            Should it befall auspiciously,
            Her (Our) sisters all will bridesmaids be!

       (RUTH enters and comes down to FREDERIC)

  RUTH:     Oh, master, hear one word, I do implore you!
            Remember Ruth, your Ruth, who kneels before you!
  PIRATES:  Yes, yes, remember Ruth, who kneels before you!
  FREDERIC: Away, you did deceive me!
  PIRATES:  (Threatening RUTH)  Away, you did deceive him!
  RUTH:     Oh, do not leave me!
  PIRATES:  Oh, do not leave her!
  FREDERIC: Away, you grieve me!
  PIRATES:  Away, you grieve him!
  FREDERIC: I wish you'd leave me!  (FREDERIC casts RUTH from him)
  PIRATES:  We wish you'd leave him!

                              ENSEMBLE

                  MEN                           WOMEN

  Pray observe the magnanimity     Pray observe the magnanimity
  We display to lace and dimity!   They display to lace and
                                          dimity!
  Never was such opportunity       Never was such opportunity
  To get married with impunity,    To get married with impunity,
  But we give up the felicity      But they give up the felicity
  Of unbounded domesticity,        Of unbounded domesticity,
  Though a doctor of divinity      Though a doctor of divinity
  Is located in this vicinity.     Is located in this vicinity.

  (GIRLS and MAJOR-GENERAL go up rocks, while PIRATES indulge in a
       wild dance of delight on stage.  The MAJOR-GENERAL produces
       a British flag, and the PIRATE KING, in arched rock,
       produces a black flag with skull and crossbones.  Enter
       RUTH, who makes a final appeal to FREDERIC, who casts her
       from him.)

                                    END OF ACT I