With a torpedo, nephew?
A Gorgon's head, that you stand speechless? or
Are you a fish in earnest?
You see what mourners we had had, had we
Been wreck'd in earnest. My griev'd nephew here
Had made my cellar flow with tears; my wines
Had charg'd glass-ordnance; our funerals had been
Bewail'd in pottle-draughts.
Your nephew and my son had made a panegyric,
And open'd all our virtues.
Broke in estate, and then broke from the compter,
Where Master Seathrift laid him in the hole
For debt, among the ruins of the city
And trades like him blown up, take thee from dust,
Give thee free education, put thee in
My own fair way of traffic—nay, decree
To leave thee jewels, land, my whole estate;
Pardon'd thy former wildness; and couldst thou sort
Thyself with none but idle gallants, captains,
And poets, who must plot before they eat,
And make each meal a stratagem? Then could none
But I be subject of thy impious scoffs?
I swoon at sight of meat! I rise a glutton
From half an orange! Wretch, forgetful wretch!
'Fore Heaven, I count it treason in my blood
That gives thee a relation. But I'll take
A full revenge. Make thee my heir! I'll first
Adopt a slave brought from some galley; one
Which laws do put into the inventory,
And men bequeath in wills with stools and brasspots;
One who shall first be household-stuff, then my heir;
Or, to defeat all thy large aims, I'll marry.
Cypher, go, find me Bannswright; he shall straight
Provide me a wife: I will not stay to let
My resolution cool. Be she a wench
That every day puts on her dowry, wears
Her fortunes, has no portion, so she be
Young, and likely to be fruitful, I'll have her:
By all that's good, I will: this afternoon!
I will about it straight.
And as for you, Tim, mermaid, triton, haddock,
The wondrous Indian fish caught near Peru,
Who can be of both elements, your sight
Will keep you well. Here I do cast thee off,
And in thy room pronounce to make thy sister
My heir: it would be most unnatural
To leave a fish land. 'Las! sir, one of your
Bright fins and gills must swim in seas of sack,
Spout rich canaries up like whales in maps:[237]
I know you'll not endure to see my jack
Go empty, nor wear shirts of copperas-bags,
Nor fast in Paul's, you! I do hate thee now
Worse than a tempest, quicksand, pirate, rock,
Or fatal lake, ay, or a privy-seal.[238]
Go, let the captain make you drunk, and let
Your next change be into some ape—'tis stale
To be a fish twice—or some active baboon:
And, when you can find money out, betray
What wench i' th' room has lost her maidenhead;
Can mount to the king, and can do all your feats,
If your fine chain and yellow coat come near
Th' Exchange, I'll see you. So I leave you. [Exit Seathrift.
Were there a dext'rous beam and twopence hemp,
Never had man such cause to hang himself.
Am I fit only to be caught, and put
Into a pond to leap carps, or beget
A goodly race of pick'rel.
SCENE IV.
Enter Quartfield and Salewit.
'Slight, who would think your father should lay wheels[239]
To catch you thus?
They would be here at supper.
These two old merchants had contriv'd, to feign
A voyage, then to hunt you out disguised,
And hear themselves abused?
Your uncle in this furious mood will marry?
Upon the cards, the hollow die, Park Corner
And Shooter's Hill, are my revenue.
To fight by th' day, carry my kitchen and
Collation at my back, wear orderly
My shirt in course, after't has been the shift
Of a whole regiment in the low countries;
And, after all, return with half a leg,
One arm, perchance my nose shot off, to move
Compassion in my father who, in pity
To so much ruin, may be brought to buy
Some place for me in an hospital, to keep me
From bridges, hill-tops, and from selling switches.
Enter Roseclap.
With Bannswright, as hot and earnest for a wench
As a recover'd Monsieur.
That contrives matches: one that brings together
Parties that never saw or never met,
Till't be for good and all; knows to a penny
Estates and jointures: I'll undertake he has
Now lying by him (unprovided) some twenty
Widows of all fortunes that want husbands,
And men that want wives; and, at an hour's warning,
Can make things ready for the priest.
Devise to get him hither, and cross the match.
Could I speak with him, and draw him to be
An actor in't, I have a stratagem
That can redeem all, and turn the plot
Upon these sage heads.
Enter Bannswright.
For my young sprightly uncle.
Shall then proceed?
In readiness: he's gone to put himself
Into fit ornaments for the solemnity.
I'm to provide the priest and licence: we go
Some two hours hence to church.
Forbid the banns, or I will cut your wizzel,[241]
And spoil your squiring in the dark. I've heard
Of your lewd function, sirrah! You prefer
Wenches to bawdy-houses, rascal!
Threaten me not in my vocation.
Procure the wench, a friend of mine, and double
Your bargain. Such a fair reward, methinks,
Should make thee of my project. Thou dost know
My fortunes are engaged, and thou may'st be
The happy instrument to recover 'em.
Be my good angel once! I have a plot
Shall make thee famous.
Will act a tragedy upon thee.
I am a friend to wit, but more to you, sir,
Of whose misfortunes I will not be guilty.
Though, then, your uncle has employ'd me, and
Has deeply sworn to wed this afternoon
A wife of my providing, if you can
O'erreach the angry burgess, sir, and bring
His wisdom to the gin, show me the way;
I'll help to lay the trap.
An honest-hearted pimp: thou shalt for this
Be drunk in Vine-dee,[242] rascal; I'll begin
A runlet to thee.
I'll tell you my design. You, Salewit, must
Transform yourself to a French deacon: I
Have parts for Bright and Newcut too. Mischief
Upon their absence!
Shall make his father everlastingly
Admire his wit, and ask him blessing.
Let's in and drink a health to our success.
FOOTNOTES:
[221] Mr Steevens observes (note to "The Tempest," act ii. sc. 2) that it was formerly very common to exhibit fishes, either real or imaginary, in this manner, and that it appears from the books of Stationers' Hall, that in 1604 was published, "A strange reporte of a monstrous fish, that appeared in the form of a woman from her waist upward, seene in the sea."
The Italians use Nuovo Pesce in much the same manner as we employ the phrase "a strange fish." "Nuovo pesce era questo ru-Marco"—Domenichi's "Facetie," 1565, p. 268.
[222] Made him drunk, or intoxicated him.
[223] Probably the same mentioned by Sir Kenelm Digby. See note to "The Ordinary" [xii., 245.]
[224] Meaning that the trumpet has been sounded twice, in imitation of the theatres, where, before the play begins by the entrance of the prologue, there were what were called three soundings. See Malone's "Shakespeare," by Boswell, iii. 114.—Collier.
[225] [See Mr Huth's "Ancient Ballads and Broadsides," 1867, p. 213.]
[226] The country has been laid, means that the country has been way-laid for the purpose of catching him. This was the common mode of expression at the time, as appears from Middleton's "Chaste Maid in Cheapside," 1630, and other authorities—
"Lay the water-side—she's gone for ever else!"
Again, in the same play—
"My mother's gone to lay the common staires."
—Collier.
[227] "Mare Liberum," was the title of a book written by the celebrated Grotius, to prove that the sea was free to every nation, in opposition to those who wished to circumscribe the Dutch trade. It was printed in 1609, and among other answers which appeared to it, was one by Selden, which he entitled "Mare Clausum."
[228] The echineis, a fish which by adhering to the bottoms of ships, was supposed to retard their course. So Lucan, lib. vi. v. 674—
In mediis echineis aquis."
—Steevens.
[229] Sir Francis Drake.
[230] There were two of that name, father and son, in the time of Queen Elizabeth, both eminent navigators. See their lives in "Biographia Britannica."
[231] There is an incident of this kind, where a man is shown for a fish against his will, and thrust under water whenever he attempts to speak, in the "Vida de Lazarillo de Tormes."—Collier.
[232] [This word was applied formerly to both sexes. See "Gesta Romanorum," edit. Madden, p. 456.]
[233] Prynne and his "Histriomastix," so often noticed in this play.
[234] A tavern which used to be frequented by Ben Jonson, Beaumont and Fletcher, and other wits of the times, and often mentioned in their works. From the following enumeration of taverns, in an old poem called "Newes from Bartholmew Fayre" [by Richard West, 1607], the title-page of which is lost, we find it was situate in Cornhill:—
Besides beere and ale, and ipocras fine,
In every country, region, and nation;
Chefely at Billingsgate, at the Salutation,
And Bores Head, neere London Stone,
The Swan at Dowgate, a taverne well knowne,
The Miter in Cheape, and then the Bull Head,
And many like places that make noses red;
The Bores Head in Old Fish Street, three Cranes in the Vintree,
And now of late, St Martin's in the Sentree:
The Windmill in Lothbury, the Ship at the Exchange,
King's Head in New Fish Streete, where roysters do range;
The Mermaid in Cornhill; Red Lion in the Strand,
Three Tuns in Newgate Market, Old Fish Street, at the Swan."
[235] [An allusion which has been often explained.]
[236] About the year 1631, Archbishop Laud, under the patronage of Charles I., undertook the repairing and rebuilding of St Paul's. On this occasion the king went to the cathedral, and, after divine service was performed, solemnly promised to exert his best endeavours to repair the ruins which time, or the casualties of weather, had made therein. In consequence of this scheme, many applications were made to noblemen and gentlemen for their assistance, and, on their refusal to contribute, some were very severely censured, and even fined.
[237] Most of our ancient maps will sufficiently illustrate this image. The vacant spaces, occasioned by tracts of sea, are usually ornamented with these monsters spouting water.—Steevens.
[238] Among the illegal modes of raising money adopted by Charles I., after he determined to govern without a parliament; the borrowing of money by writs of privy-seal was one not the least burdensome and oppressive. The manner was to direct these writs to particular persons by name, requiring the loan of money, or plate to the amount of the money, to be paid or delivered to a particular person, for the king's use. The form of the writs may be seen in "The Parliamentary History," xiii., 84, where one of them is printed. [But in this passage this speaker also intends a play on the double meaning of seal.]
[239] Alluding to a method of catching pikes.—Pegge.
[240] [Probably, nimble, sprightly, Fr. leger; unless it should be in the sense indicated by Nares in his "Glossary" under Liedger, i.e., resident; but Bannswright is not described as a pander.]
[241] A corruption, probably, of wizand, or weazon.—Steevens.
[242] Perhaps he means to say Vin de Dieu; i.e., Lacrymæ Christi.—Steevens.
[243] [The old copy here, and again just below, has improperly Plotwell, for Bannswright must be supposed to maintain his disguise at present.]