How to deliuer out foure Aces, and to conuert
them into foure Knaues.
Make a pack of eight cardes, to wit foure Knaues and foure Aces, and although all the eight cardes must lie imediately together, yet must ech Knaue and Ace be openly seauered, and the same eight cardes must lie also in the lowest place of the bunch, then shuffle them so, as alwaies at the second shuffling, or at least wise at the end of your shuffling the said pack, and of the pack one ace may lye nethermost or so as you may knowe where he goeth and lyeth, and alwaies I say let your foresaid pack, with three or foure cardes more, lye vnseperablely together, immediately vppon and with that ace, then vsing some speech or other deuise, and putting your hand with the cardes to the edge of the table, to hide the account, let out priuily a peece of the second card, which is one of the knaues holding forth the stock in both your hands, and shewing to the standers by the nether Card (which is the ace or kept Card) couering also ye head or peece of ye knaue (wc is your next card) with your foure fingers: draw out ye same knaue laying it down an ye Table: then shuffle again keeping your packe whole, and so haue you two aces lying together in the bottome: & therefore to reforme that disordered Card, as also for a grace and countenance to that action, take off the vppermost Card of the bunch, and thrust it into the middest of the Cards, and then take away the nethermost Card, which is one of your aces, and bestow him likewise: then may you begin as before, shewing an other ace, and in stead thereof lay downe another knaue, and so forth, vntill instead of your foure aces you haue laid downe foure knaues. The beholders all this while thinking that there lye foure aces on the table, are greatly abused, and will maruell at the transformation.
How to tell one what Card he seeth in the bottome,
when the same Carde is shuffled into the stock.
When you haue seene a Card priuily, or as though you marked it not, lay the same vndermost, and shuffle the Cards as before you were taught, till your Card ly againe belowe in ye bottom: then shew the same to the beholders, willing them to remember it, then shuffle the Cards or let any shuffle them, for you know the Cardes already, and therefore may at any time tell them what Carde they saw, which neuerthelesse would be done with great circumstance and shew of difficultie.
A strange & excellent tricke to hold foure Kings in the
hand, and by words to transform them into foure
Aces, and after to make them all blancke
Cardes, one after another.
You shall see a Iugler take foure Kings and no more in his hand, and apparantly shew you them, then after some words and charmes, he will throwe them downe before you vpon the table, taking one of the Kings away and adding but one other Card: then taking them vp againe and blowing vpon them, will shew you them transformed into blancke Cardes, white on both sides: after vsing charmes againe, throwing them downe as before, (with the faces downeward) will take them vp againe and shew you foure Aces, blowing still vpon them, that it may breede the more wonder, which tricke in my minde is nothing inferiour to the rest: and being not knowne, will seeme wonderfull strange to the spectators, yet after you knowe it, you can not but say the tricke is pretty. Now therefore to accomplish this feate, you must haue Cardes made for the purpose, (halfe Cardes ye may call them) that is the one halfe kings the other part aces, so that laying the aces, one ouer the other, nothing but the kings will be seene, and then turning the kings downward, the foure aces will be seene: prouided you must haue two whole, one whole king to couer one of the aces, or els it will be perceaued, and the other an ace to lay ouer the kings, when you meane to shew the aces: then when you will make them all blancke, lay the Cards a little lower, and hide the aces and they will appeare all white. The like you may make of the foure knaues, putting vppon them ye foure fiues, and so of the rest of the Cardes: But this can not be well shewed you without demonstration.
Hitherto I haue intreated of the three principall kinds of Iugling, now it remaineth in order to speake of Iugling by confederacy, which is either priuate or publike.
Priuate conspiracy is, when one (by a speciall plot laid by himselfe, without any compact made with others) perswadeth the beholders, that he will suddenly and in their presence, doe some miraculous feate, which he hath already accomplished priuately: as for ensample, he will shew you a carde or any other like thing, and will say further unto you, behold and see what a marke it hath, and then burneth it, and neuertheles fetcheth another like Card, so marked out of some bodies pocket, or out of some corner, where he himselfe before had placed it, to the wonder and astonishment of simple beholders, which conceaue not that kinde of illusion, but expect miracles and strange workes.
I haue read of a notable exploit done before a King by a Iugler, who painted on a wall the picture of a doue, and seeing a pigeon sitting vpon the top of an house, said to the King, looke now your grace shall see what a Iugler can doe, if he be his craftes master, & then pricked the picture with a knife, so hard and so often, and with so effectuall words, as the pigeon fell downe from the top of the house starke dead, you may imagine how the matter was taken, what wondring was thereat, how he was prohibited to vse that feat any further, least he should imploy it in any other kinde of murder. This story is held yet of diuers as canonicall, but when you are taught the feat or slight, you will thinke it a mockery and a simple illusion.
To vnfold you the mistery heereof, so it is that the poore pigeon was before in the hands of the Iugler, into whom he had thrust a dramme of Nux vomica, or some other such poyson, which to the nature of the Bird was so extreame a poyson, as after the receit thereof, it could not liue aboue the space of halfe an houre, and being let loose after the medicine ministred, she alwaies resorteth to the top of the next house, which she will the rather doe, if there be any pigeons already sitting there, and after a short space falleth downe, either starke dead, or greatly astonished: but in the meane time, the Iugler vseth words of art, partly to protract time, and partly to gaine credit, and admiration of the beholders.
As with Cardes you may shew feates by priuate confederacy, so of the other two, that is to wit, with the balls and the mony, as to marke a shilling or any other thing, and throwe the same into a riuer or deepe pond, & hauing hid the shilling before, with like markes, in some other secret place, bid some goe presently and fetch it, making them beleeue that it is the very same which you threwe into the riuer the beholders will maruell much at it: and of such feates there may be many done, but more by publike confederacy, whereby one may tell another how much money he hath in his purse and an hundred like toyes.
Of publike confederacie and whereof
it consisteth.
Publike confederacy is, when there is before hand a compacte made betwixt diuers persons: the one to be principall, the other to be assistant in working of miracles, or rather in cosoning and abusing the beholders, as when I tell you in the presence of a multitude, what you haue thought or done, or shall doe or thinke, when you and I were thereupon agreed before: and if this be cunningly and closely handled, it will induce great admiration to the beholders, especially when they are before amased and abused, by some experiment of art, magicke or legerdemaine. I will in briefe set you downe some pretty conclusions, and so I will proceede with other feates in other kindes.
To tell you how to know whether one caste Crosse or
Pile; by the ringing
Lay a wager with your confederate (who must seeme simple or obstinate opposed against you) that standing behinde a dore, you will (by the sounding or ringing of the mony) tell him whether he cast crosse or pile, so as when you are gone, and he hath phillepped the money before the witnesses who are to be cosoned, he must say What is it if it be crosse, or What i'st if it be pile, or some other such signe, as you are agreed vpon; and so you neede not faile to gesse rightly. By this meanes if you haue any inuention, you may seeme to doe an hundred miracles, & to discouer a mans thought, or words spoken a far off.
How to tell where a stolne horse is become.
By meanes of confederacy Cuthbert Conycatcher, and one Swart Rutter, two that haue taken degrees in Whittington Colledge, abused notably the country people: for Cuthbert would hide away his neighbours horses, kine, colts, &c: and send them to Swart Rutter, (whom he before had told where they were) promising to send the parties vnto him, whome he described, and made knowne by diuers signes: so as this Swart would tell them at their first entrance vnto the dore, wherefore they came, and would say that their horses kine &c. were stolne, but the theefe should be forced to bring them backe againe, and leaue them within one mile (south and by west, &c.) of his house: euen as the plot was laid, and the pack made before by Cuthbert & him. This Cuthbert is esteemed of some, & thought to be a witch of others, he is accounted a coniurer, but commonly called a wise man, and are able of themselues, to tell you where any thing that is stolne is, as to build Pauls steeple vp againe.
To make one daunce naked.
It hath bene reported of such fellowes, and such, that they can doe rare feates, as to make one daunce naked. To the effecting of this, make a poore boy confederate with you: so as after charmes and words spoken by you, he vnclothe himselfe and stand naked: seeming (whilst he vndresseth him) to shake, stampe, and crie, still hastening to be vnclothed, till he be starke naked: or if you can procure none to goe so farre, let him only begin to stamp and shake &c. and to vnclothe him, and then you may (for reuerence of the company) seeme to release him.
To make a pot of any such thing standing fast on a cupbord,
to fall downe thence by vertue of words.
Lett your cupbord be so placed, as your confederate may hould a black Threed without in the courete, behinde some windowe of that roome, and at a certen lowe word spoken by you, he may pull the same threed, being wound about the pot. And this was the feate of Eleazer the Iewe, which Iosephus reporteth to be such a miracle.
Now that we haue spoken of the three principle actes of Legerdemayne and of confederacy, I will go forward, and touch some fewe ordinary feates, which are pretty, yet not altogether to be compared with the rest; I meane for conceipt and nimblenes of the hand, yet such as to the ignorant, and those that knowe not the carriage, will seeme strange and wonderfull.
Of Boxes to alter one graine into another, or to consume
the graine or corne to nothing.
There be diuers iugling boxes with false bottomes, wherein many false feates are wrought. First they haue a boxe couered or rather footed alike at each end, the bottome of the one end being no deeper then as it may containe one lane of corne or pepper, glewed there vpon. Then vse they to put into ye hollow end thereof some other kind of graine, ground or vnground: then doe they couer it, and put it vnder a hat or candlesticke, and either in putting it thereinto, or pulling it thence, they turne the boxe, and open the contrary end, wherein is shewed a contrary graine, or else they shew the glewed end first, (which end they suddenly thrust into a bag of such graine as is glewed already therevpon) and secondly the empty boxe.
How to conuey (with words and charmes) the corne
conteyned in one Box, into another.
There is another boxe fashioned like a bell, whereinto they put so much and such corne as the foresaid hollowe boxe can conteine: then they stop and couer the same with a peece of lether as broad as a tester, which being thrust vp hard to the middle part or waste of the said bell, will sticke fast and beare vp the corne, and if the edge of the same lether be wet, it will hold the better: then take they the other boxe, dipped (as is aforesaid) in corne, and set downe the same vpon the Table, the empty end vpward, saying, that they will conuey the graine therein, into the other boxe or bell, which being set downe somewhat hard vpon the table, the leather & corne therein will fall down, so as the said bell being taken vp from the table: you shal see the corne lying thereon, & the stopple wilbe hidden therewith, & couered, & when you vncouer the other box nothing shal remaine therein, but presently the corne must be swept downe with one hand, into the other, or into your lapp or hatt: many feates may be done with this boxe, as to put therein a toade, affirming the same to be so turned from corne, and then many beholders will suppose the same to be the Iuglers deuill, whereby his feates and myracles are wrought.
How to pull laces innumerable out of your
mouth; of what colour or length you list, and
neuer any thing seene to be therein.
As for pulling of laces forth of the mouth it is now somewhat stale, whereby Iuglers get much mony among maydes, selling lace by the yarde, putting into their mouthes one round bottome, as fast as they pull out another, & at the iust ende of euery yarde they tie a knott, so as the same resteth vppon their teeth, then cut they off the same, and so the beholders are double and treble deceaued, seeing so much lace as will be conteined in a hat, and the same of what collour you list to name, to bee drawne by so euen yards out of his mouth, and yet the Iugler to talke as though there were nothing at all in his mouth. There are diuers iugling trickes which I am loath to describe for some reasons before alleaged, whereof some are common some rarer and some desperate: I wil therefore shew a few desperate and dangerous iugling knackes, wherein the simple are made thinke, that a silly Iugler with words can hurt and helpe, kill and reuiue any creature at his pleasure: and first to kill any kinde of pullen and to make them reuiue.
To kill a Hen, chicken or Capon and
giue it life againe.
Take a hen &c. and trust a naule, or a fine sharpe pointed knife through the middle of the head thereof, the edge toward the bill, so as it may seeme impossible for her to escape death. Then vse words or incantations, and pulling out the knife, lay otes before her and she wil eate and liue, being nothing at all greeued or hurt with the wound, because the braine lyeth so farre behinde in the head as it is not touched, though you thrust your knife betweene the combe and it: The naturall cause why a Hen thrust through the head with a Bodkin doth liue notwithstanding. And after you haue done this, you may conuert your speech and accions, to the greeuous wounding, and recouering of your owne selfe.
To eate a Knife, and to fetch it forth
of another place.
Take a knife, and conuey the same betweene your two hands, so as no parte be seene thereof, but a little of the poynt, which you must so bite at the first as noyse may be made therwith: then seeme to put a great parte therof into your mouth, and letting your hand slip downe, there will appeare to haue bin more in your mouth, then is possible to be conteyned therein: then send for drinke, or vse some other delaye vntill you haue let the said knife slip into your lap, holding both your fists close together as before, and then raise them so from the edge of the table where you sit (for from thence the knife may most priuily slippe downe into your lappe) and in steede of biting the knife, knab a little vppon your naile, and then seeme to thrust the knife into your mouth, This is pretty if it be cleanely done. opening the hand next vnto it, and thrust vp the other, so as it may appeare to the standers by, that you haue deliuered your hands thereof, and thrust it into your mouth: then call for drinke, after countenance made of pricking, and daunger &c. lastly, put your hand into your lap, and taking that knife into your hand, you may seeme to bring it out from behinde you, or from whence you list: but if you haue another like knife, and a confederate, you may doe twentie notable wonders hereby: as to send a stander by into some garden or Orchard, describing to him some tree or herbe vnder which it sticketh: or else some strangers sheath or pocket &c.
To thrust a bodkin through your head,
without any hurt.
Take a Bodkin so made, as the haft being hollow, the blade thereof may slip thereinto: as soone as you holde the poynt downeward, and set the same to your forehead, and seeme to thrust it into your head: and so (with a little sponge in your hand) you may wringe out blood or wine, making the beholders thinke the blood or wine (whereof you may say you haue drunke very much) runneth out of your forehead: Then after countenance of paine and greefe, pull away your hand suddenly, holding the poynt downeward, and it will fall so out, as it will seeme neuer to haue bin thrusted into the hafte: But immediately thrust that bodkin into your lappe or pocket, and pull out another playne bodkin like the same, sauing in that conceite.
To cut halfe your nose in sunder, and to heale
it againe presently without any salue.
Take a knife, hauing a round hollow gappe in the middle, and lay it vppon your nose, and so shall you seeme to haue cut your nose in sunder: This is easily don, howbeit being nimbly done it will deceaue the sight of the beholders. prouided alwaies that in all these, you haue another like knife without a gap to be shewed vppon pulling out of the same and words of inchauntments to speake: Blood also to bewraye the wounde, and nimble conueyance.
To put a Ring through your cheeke.
There is pretty Knack, which seemeth dangerous to the cheeke: for the accomplishment whereof, you must haue two rings of like coullour and quantity, the one filed asunder, so as you may thrust it vpon your cheeke: the other must be whole and conueyed vpon a sticke, holding your hand therevpon in the middle of the sticke, deliuering each end of the same sticke to be holden fast by a stander by, then pulling the ring out of your cheeke, cleanely strike it against same part of the sticke, keeping it still in your hand, then pull your other hand from the sticke, and pulling it away, whirle about the ring, and so it will be thought that you haue put thereon the Ring which was in your cheeke.
Many other pretty feates of this nature might be here sett downe, as to cut of ones head and to laye it in a platter, which Iuglers cal the decollation of S. Iohn the Baptist, also to thrust a dagger or bodkin through your gutts very strangely, and to recouer imediately: after another way then with the bodkyn before rehearsed, also to draw a corde through your nose, mouth or hande so sencibly, as is wonderful to see, al wc with many more, I here forbeare for breuities sake. There is a very pretty trick to make wine or beere, to come out of your browe, or eare, with a funnell after you haue drank the same, the which I am loath to discouer, as not willing to haue all the poore Iugglers trickes made known at once: there is a way to make fire to come out of your mouth by burning of towe, all which for reasons before aleadged, I wil here omit to discouer. But will hie me to another sorte of Iugglers, or rather cosoners, calling themselues by the name of alchimistes, professing themselues learned men, and to haue the Philosophers stone, these professors of the mysty or smokie science, studie and cast about how to ouer-reach and cosen the simple, and such as are giuen to coueteousnes or greedy desire after gaine, with such they insinuate themselues by little and little, professing a shew of honesty and plainnes, vntill they are acquainted with their desires, and found the length of their foote: telling them that they can doe wonders, make siluer of copper, and golde of siluer. Such a one a while agoe was in Battersey, who comming poore to towne, made some of the towne beleeue he had the Philosophers stone: wherevpon, one of the rest beleuing him, desired to be better acquainted with him: insomuch, that he requested him to take a poore bed at his house, and offred him great kindenesse, hoping in time to get some skil of him towards the attaining of the Philosophers stone: vpon a day as this Smith (for so imagine him to be) and beggerly Artist were together, desired him of all loues to impart to him some of his learning, assuring him, if it lay in his power to doe him a pleasure, he should not faile, protesting that both his purse and himselfe were both at his comaund: Herevpon, to be short, my Gentleman at the first was somewhat scrupilous, yet at the earnest request of his newe friend, did at last condiscende, charging him to be secret in what he should disclose vnto him. The Smith swore to be silent: then my cosoning copesmate instructs him as followeth.
In the month of Iuly, search for the seede of Fearne, which must be first and principall matter of working this, and effecting this hidden secret, and qd. he, if you had but an ounce of this fearneseede, thou shalt be made for euer, for it is very hard to finde: heerevpon he gets vp the next morning (for it was about the same time of the yeare which he prescribd him to search for this inestimable seede) and lookes very dilligently about the heath, (where store of fearne growes: but hauing) spent most part of the day in searching and looking, his backe ready to cracke with stooping, and his throate furd with dust, for want of small beere, so that the poore Smith was ready to faint for want of foode: by chance one of the towne came by, and seeing him search so dilligently vp & downe, and could not guesse for what, asked him what he sought for so busily? O quoth the Smith, for a thing that if I could finde, I should be made for euer: why quoth the fellow what I prethee ist? O no quoth the Smith I may not tell you: not tell me quoth the fellow, why what ist? I prethee tell me: at last, at the earnest entreaty of the fellow, the smith told he looked for fearne seede: with that the fellow laughed a good, and asked him who willed him to looke for that? that did M. Etseb quoth the smith, and if I can but finde one ounce of it, it would be of much worth: worth quoth the fellow, he that set thee to looke for that was a foole and thou art an Asse, for there was neuer any fearne seede as yet seene: therefore get thee home to the forge, for he makes but a foole of thee: at this the smith was blancke, and got him home to his anuill: but how the smith and the Alcumister, agreed vpon the reckoning for his cosening him, I meane not heere to deliuer: but this I bring in by the way, to shew that their art is nothing but deceipt, and themselues cosoners, which by two pretty tales I will declare vnto you,
How an Alcumister cousoned a priest.
Chaucer in one of his Canterbury tales, rehearseth this test of a cousoning Alcumist: espying on a day a coueteous priest, whose purse he knew to be well lyned: assaulted him with flattery and kinde speech, two principall points belonging to this art: at length he borrowed mony of this priest, which is the third part of this art, without the which the professors can doe no good, nor endure in good estate: then he at his day repayed the mony, which is the most difficult poynt in this art, and a rare experiment: finally to requite the priests curtesie, he promised vnto him such instructions, as therby within short time he should become infinitely rich, and all through this art of multiplication: and this is the most common point in this science, for heerein they must be skilfull before they be famous or attaine to any credit: the Preist disliked not his proffer, especially because it tended to his profit, and embraced his curtesie: then the foole-taker bad him send forthwith for three ounces of quicke-siluer, which hee said he would transubstantiate (by his art) into perfect siluer: the Priest thought nothing of deceit, but with great ioy accomplished his request.
And now forsooth goeth this iolly Alcumist about his busines, and worke of multiplication, and causeth the Priest to make a fire of coles, in the bottome whereof he placeth a croslet, and pretending onely to helpe the Priest to lay the coles handsomely, he foysteth into the middle ward or lane of coles, a beechen cole, within which was conueyed an ingot of perfect siluer, (which when the cole was consumed slipt down into the croslet, that was I say directly vnder it.) The Priest perceaued not the fraud, but receaued the ingot of siluer, and was not a little ioyfull to see such certen successe proceed from his own handy worke, wherein could be no fraud (as he surely conceaued) and therefore very dilligently gaue the knaue forty pounds, for the receit of this experiment, who for that summe of mony, taught him a lesson in Alcumistry, but he neuer returned to heare repetitions or to see how hee profited.
A merry tale how a cosoning Alcumist deceaued
a country Gentleman.
A Gentleman in Kent of good worth, not long sithence was ouertaken by a cosoning knaue, who professed Alcumistry, Iugling, Witch craft, and coniuration, and by meanes of his companions and confederates, found the simplicitie and abilitie of the said Gentleman, & learnt his estate and humors to be conuenient for his purpose, and at last came a wooing to his daughter, to whome hee made loue cunningly in words, though his purpose tended to another end: and among other illusions and tales, concerning his owne commendations, for wealth, parentage, inheritance, alliance, learning and cunning, be bosted of the knowledge and experience in Alcumistry, making the simple Gentleman beleeue that he could multiply, and of one Angell make two or three, which seemed strange to the Gentleman: insomuch as he became willing enough to see that conclusion: whereby the Alcumister had more hope and comfort to attaine his desire, then if his daughter had yeelded to haue married him: to bee short, he in the presence of the said Gentleman, did include within a little ball of virgins ware a couple of Angells, & after certaine ceremonies and coniuring words, he seemed to deliuer the same vnto him, but in truth, through Legerdemaine, he conueyed into the Gentlemans hand, another ball of the same scantling, wherein were inclosed many more Angells then were in the ball which he thought he had receaued, Now (forsooth) the Alcumister bad him lay vp the same ball of ware, and also vse certaine ceremonies, (which I thought good heere to omit) and after certaine daies, houres, and minutes, they returned together according to the appointment, and found great gaines by multiplication of the angels, insomuch that he being a plaine man, was heereby perswaded that he should not onely haue a rare and notable good sonne in law, but a companion that might helpe to ad vnto his wealth much treasure, and to his estate great fortune and felicity: and to encrease this opinion in him, as also to winne his further fauour: but especially to bring his cũning Alcumistry, or rather his lend purpose to passe, he tolde him that it were folly to multiply a pound of gold, when as easily they might multiply a million, and therefore counselled him to produce al the money he had, or could borrowe of his neighbours, and freendes, and did put him out of doubt, that he would multiply the same, & reduble it exceedingly, euen as he sawe by experience how he delt with the smal somme before his face: this Gent. in hope of gaines and preferment, consented to his sweete motion, & brought out and layd before his feete, not the one halfe of his goodes, but all that he had, or could make or borrowe any manner of waye: then this Iuggling Alchimister hauing obtayned his purpose, foulded the same in a ball in quantity far bigger then the other. And conuaying the same vnto his bosome or pocket, deliuered another Ball (as before) in the like quantity, to be reserued, and safely kept in his cheste, whereof (because the matter was of importance) eyther of them must haue a keye, and a seuerall lock, that no interruption might be made to the ceremuny, or abuse by either of them in defrawding eche other. Now forsooth the circumstances, and ceremonies being ended & the Alchimisters purpose thereby performed, he tould the Gent. that vntil a certen day and hower lymited to retorne, either of them might imploye themselues about theire busines, and necessarie affaires, the Gent. to his busines, and he to the citty of London. And in the meane tyme the gould should multiply, But the Alchimister (belike) hauing other matters of more importãce, cam not iust at the hower appoynted nor yet at the day, nor with in the yere, so as although it were som what, against ye Gent. conscience to violate his promise or break the league yet partly by the longing he had to see, & partely the desire he had to enioy the frute of ye excellent experiment, hauing for his own securitie (& the others Satisfaction) some testimonie at the opening thereof, to witnes his sincere dealing, he brake vp the coffer, & loe, he soone espied the Ball of ware which he himselfe had layd vpp there with his owne handes, so as he thought, if the hardest should fall, he should finde his principall, and why not as good incrase now, as of the other before? But alas, when the ware was broken and the mettall discouered, the gould was much abased and became perfect lead.
Hitherto haue I spoken somewhat of the knauerie of Alcumisry, now I will conclude with a pretty dialogue that Petrarke a man of great wisdome and learning, and of no lesse experience, hath written who as in his time, sawe the fraudulent fetches of this compassing craft, so hath there bin no age, since the same hath bin broached, but that some wise men haue smelt out the euill meaning of these shifting marchants, and bewrayed them to the world.
Francis Petrarke, (I say) treating of the same matter, in forme of a dialogue, introduceth a deciple of his, who fancied the foresaid profession and practise, speaking on this manner.
Decip. I hope for a prosperous successe in Alcamistrie.
Pet. It is a wonder from whẽce that hope should spring, sith the fruite thereof did neuer yet fall to thy lotte: nor yet at any time chance to another, as the report commonly goeth, that many rich men, by this vanity and madnes, haue bin brought to beggery, whilst they haue wearied their wealth, in trying of conclusions: to make gould ingender gould.
Decip. I hope for gould according to the workemans promise.
Petra. He that promised the gould, will runne away with the gould, and thou neuer the wiser.
Decip. He promiseth me greate good.
Petr. He will first serue his owne turne, and releeue his priuate pouerty, for Alcumisters are a beggerly kinde of people, who though they confesse themselues bare, and needy: yet wil they make other rich, and wealthie, as though others pouertie did molest, and greeue them more then their owne, so far the words of petrarke.
Albert in his booke of mineralls, reporteth that Auicen treating of Alcumistry: saith, Let the dealers of Alcumistry vnderstand, that the very nature of things, can not be changed: but rather made by arte, to resemble the same in shew, and likenes: so that they are not the very thing indeede, but seeme so to bee in appearance: As Castles and Towers doe seeme to be built in the ayre, whereas the representations there shewed, are nothing else, but the resemblance of certaine obiects belowe, caused in some bright, and cleere cloude: when the aire is voyde of thicknes, and grossenes, a sufficient proofe hereof may be the looking-glasse: and wee see (saith he) the yellow orringe cullour layde vppon red, seemeth to be gould.
Thus much for the fond, and vaine arte of Alcumistry, I will now drawe to an ende, leauing to speake of the innumerable charmes of coniurours, bad Phisitions, lewd Surgions, melancholy Witches, and cosoners, especially for such: as bad Phisitions and Surgions, knowe not how to cure: as against the falling euill, the biting of madde doggs, the stinging of a Scorpion, the tooth-ache, for a woman in trauell, for the kings euill: to get a thorne out of any member, or a bone out of ones throate: for sore eies, to open locks, against spirits: for the botts in a horse, for sower wines, and diuers others.
There are also diuers books imprinted, as it should appeare by the authoritie of the Church of Rome, wherin are conteyned many medecinall prayers, not only against all deseases of horses, but also for euery impediment, and fault in a horse, in so much as if a shooe fall in the middest of his iorney; there is a prayer to warrant your horses hoofe so as it shall not breake, how farre soeuer he be from the smythes forge: But these of all the rest are the fondest toyes, that euer were deuised, therefore we wil passe them ouer, and yet how many in these dayes are addicted to the beleefe of these charmes it is incredible, I will giue you a taste of two or three, because you shall see the foolery of the rest.
A Charme to be said each morning by a Witch
fasting, or at least before she goe
abroade.
The fire bites, the fire bites, the fire bites: hogs turde ouer it, hogges turde ouer it, hoggs turde ouer it. The Father with thee, the Sonne with me, the holy Ghost betweene vs both to be, thrise, then spitt ouer one shoulder, and then ouer the other, and then three times right forward.
An olde womans Charme wherewith she did much
good in the cuntrie and grew famous
thereby.
An olde woman that healed all deseases of cattell (for the which she neuer tooke any reward but a penny and a loafe) being seriously examined, by what words she brought these things to passe, confessed that after she had touched the sick creature, she alwaies departed immediately saying.
My loafe in my lap,
My penie in my purse:
Thou art neuer the better,
And I am neuer the worse.
A slouenly Charme for sore eies.
The Deuill pull out both thine eies,
And etish spel this word backward and you
shall see what a slouenly charme this is etish. in
the holes likewise.
A Miller that had his eeles stolne by night, made mone to the priest of the parish, who indeede was the principall of the theeues that stole the eeles, Sir Iohn willed him to be quiet, for said he I will to curse the theeues, and their adherents with bell, booke, and candle, that they shall haue small ioy of their fish, and therefore the next sonday Sir Iohn gotte him vp to the pulpit with his surplis on his back, and his Gole about his neck, and pronounced these words following, in the audience of the people.
All ye that haue stolne the myllers Eeles
Laudate Dominum in coelis:
And all they that haue consented therunto
Benedicamus Domino.
By this little you may plainely perceaue the foppery of the Church of Rome, who hould such toyes as authenticall, and also there knauery to make the people beleeue, lies for truth, and falshod for honestie, Bearing them in hand, as in this, so in all the rest, with blindenes, and ignorance but hereof ynoughe.
And now to conclude, lett vs backe againe with one pretty knack, which is held to be meruilous and wonderfull. And that is to make a horse tell you how much money you haue in your purse: and I reade of a pretty story of an asse at Memphis in Egypt, that could do rare feates, among other Iuggling knackes, there and then vsed: there was one that tooke paynes with an asse, that he had taught him, all these quallities following, and for game he caused a stage to be made, and an assembly of people to meete, which being downe in the manner of a play, he came in with his asse, and sayde: The Sultan hath great neede of asses, to helpe to carry stones, and other stuffe towards his great building which he hath in hande: the asse immediately fell downe to the ground, and by all signes shewed himself to be sick, and at length to giue vp the ghost, so as the Iuggler begged of the assembly money towards his asse, and hauing gotten all that he could, he saide, now my masters you shall see mine asse is yet aliue, and doth but counterfeit, because he would haue some money to buy him prouender, knowing that I was poore and in some neede of reliefe: heere vpon he would needes lay a wager that his asse was aliue, who to euery mans seeing was starke dead: and when one had laid mony with him therevpon, he commaunded the asse to arise, but hee lay still as though he were dead: then did he beate him with a Cudgell, but that would not serue the turne, vntill he had addressed his speech to the Asse, saying as before in open audience, the Sultane hath commaunded that all the people shall ride out to morrow, and see the triumph, and that the faire Ladies will ride vpon the fairest Asses, and will giue notable prouender to them, and euery Asse shall drinke of the sweete water of Nylus: and then, loe the Asse did presently start vp, and aduance himself exceedingly. Loe quoth his master, now I haue wonne: but in troth the Maior hath borrowed my Asse for the vse of the old il-fauoured witch his wife: and therevpon immediately he hung downe his eares and halted downe right, as though he had bene starke lame: then said his Master, I perceaue you loue young pretty wenches: at which the asse looked vp as it were with a ioyfull cheere, and then his master bad him choose out one that should ride vpon him, and he ran to a very hansome woman, and touched her with his head.
Such a one is at this day to be seene in London, his master will say, sirra, heere be diuers Gentlemen, that haue lost diuers things, and they heare say that thou canst tell them tydings of them where they are: if thou canst, prethee shew thy cunning and tell them: then hurles he downe a handkercher or a gloue that he had taken from the parties before, and bids him giue it the right owner, which the horse presently doth: and many other pretty feates this horse doth, and some of those trickes as the Asse before mencioned did, which not one among a thousand perceaues how they are done, nor how he is brought to learne the same: and note that all the feates that this horse doth, is altogether in numbering: as for ensample, His master will aske him how many people there are in the roome: the horse will pawe with his foote so many times as there are people: and marke the eye of the horse is alwaies vpon his master, and as his master moues, so goes he or stands still, as he is brought to it at the first: as for ensample, his master will throw you three dice, and will bid his horse tell how many you or he haue throwne, then the horse pawes with his foote whiles the master stands stone still: then when his master sees hee hath pawed so many as the first dice shewes it selfe, then he lifts vp his shoulders and stirres a little: then he bids him tell what is on the second die, and then of the third die, which the horse will doe accordingly, still pawing with his foote vntill his master sees he hath pawed ynough, and then stirres: which the horse marking, will stay and leaue pawing. And note, that the horse will paw an hundred times together, vntill he sees his master stirre: and note also that nothing can be done, but his master must first know, and then his master knowing, the horse is ruled by him by signes. This if you marke at any time you shall plainely perceaue.
Now that we are come to our iournies end, let vs sit downe and looke about vs, whether we are al sonnes of one father, if there be no knaues among vs: St. Boniface light me the candle. Who doe I see? what the lustie lad of the Myter, that will binde beares, and ride his golden Asse to death but he will haue his will? Birlady, birlady sir, you of all the rest are most welcome, what how doth your stomack after your carrowsing banquet? what gorge vpon gorge, egges vpon egges, and sack vpon sack, at these yeares? by the faith of my body sir you must prouide for a hot kitchen against you growe olde, if you mean to liue my yeares: but happy the father that begot thee, and thrise happy the Nurse that soffred such a toward yonker as thy selfe: I know thy vertues as well as thy selfe, thou hast a superficiall twang of a little something: an Italian ribald can not vomit out the infections of the world, but thou my pretty Iuuinall, an English Dorrell-lorrell, must lick it vp for restoratiue, & putrifie thy gentle brother ouer against thee, with the vilde impostumes of thy lewd corruptions: God blesse good mindes from the blacke enemy say I: I know you haue bene prying like the Deuill from East to West, to heare what newes: I will acquaint thee with some, & that a secret distillation before thou goest. He that drinketh oyle of prickes, shall haue much a doe to auoyd sirrope of roses: and he that eateth nettles for prouender, hath a priuiledge to pisse vpon lillies for litter. I prethee sweete natures darling, insult not ouermuch vpon quiet men: a worme that is troden vpon will turne againe, and patience loues not to be made a cart of Croyden. I doe begin with thee now, but if I see thee not mend thy conditions, Ile tell you another tale shortly: thou shalt see that I can doot, I could bring in my Author to tell thee to thy face, that he hath found a knaue in grosse, of thee: but I can say, I haue found thee a foole in retaile: thou seest simplicity can not double, nor plaine dealing cannot dissemble, I could wish thee to amend thy life, and take heede of the Beadle.